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One rat rope bridge, six nibbling
cubes and a hamster snuggle pouch.
Yeah, check.
Ok.
One ferret adventure centre,
one supreme gerbil fortress,
- one supreme gerbil palace.
- Check.
Oh, hang on, no fortress.
That's fine, we've got
the palace, so I'm happy.
But they're not the same thing.
A palace is just a posh house.
A
fortress is a military installation.
I think the bigger question, Daniel is,
- why does a rodent need a fortress?
- Well, fine.
But just don't expect it to be able
to defend itself in a siege situation.
You're seriously asking
me to restock an item
because you think there
might be a gerbil Stalingrad?
DOOR OPENS
Oh, ***.
Look!
- Oh, God, it's her
- Look! Go and see what she wants.
No, you go and see what she wants,
I'm looking for this fortress.
I don't want to see her.
Go and do the consult.
What's in it for me?
- A day off.
- Nah.
- Two days off.
- Better.
Starting?
Tomorrow?
- All right, straight after you've seen her.
- Perfect.
My mum's away, means I
can spend a long weekend
with Mistress Venerea
and The Ninja ***.
Eh?
Right.
One squirrel swing ball,
one My First Kitten Karate Kit
TELEPHONE RINGS
SHE WHISPERS: Hello?
Yes, speaking, yeah.
Oh! Uh yes, of course, I've
remembered, yes, brilliant
Great! Uh I look forward
to seeing him tomorrow.
Yes, tomorrow, that's perfect, yeah,
great.
Thanks so much for calling.
He's still having trouble
walking.
Come on, Smithy
- That's great, I've got to go.
- Come on.
As I say, most likely it's a bug,
although there's a 1%
chance it's a twisted bowel,
in which case those pills I've
given you will be completely useless
and he'll die in agony.
Ok?
Well, good luck with that.
DOG WHINES
Bye!
Well, you've lost none
of your reassuring banter.
Daniel, a word, please.
No, the dog is not really sick.
Yes, she probably just
came here to see you.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got a date with a pneumatic redhead
in my newly-customised lounge dungeon.
And I imagine that lady
comes with a foot pump?
Now, I've had a fascinating
call from the PSS
because, apparently, a Jonathan
Walters is coming tomorrow
to carry out an inspection.
Well, they sent a letter.
How am I supposed to find
anything in that mess?
Mr Walters, 9am, Tuesday 12th.
Easy, see?
I've explained this to
you a million times before.
It's such a simple system.
Left hand side, people you can tolerate.
Middle, people you just
want to slightly hurt.
Right hand side, people
you want to destroy.
Ok, then? Within that
needs a good slapping,
needs a good kicking,
needs an elastic band round the ***.
It's quite a big section, that.
So where's Mr Walters?
Well, his personality
is yet unknown, innit,
so I put him on the neutral shelf.
Haven't assessed him
yet, he's a pen-pusher,
so he'll be somewhere between
acid bath and punch to the kidneys.
- Right, see ya.
Bye!
- Bye, enjoy.
PUMPING SOUND
MUSIC PLAYS
Get off! Get off!
Well done, well done! What was that?
- One minute seven.
- Excellent.
You're getting much faster
at expressing those personal boundaries.
Two weeks' time, your parents
will be here and it's crunch time.
- Do I have buttock marks on my face?
- Yes.
Now, your problem is that you
don't just come out with things.
You need to be more
honest.
More direct.
Yes?
Maybe
Now, I think the best way to
achieve this would be for us
to get stuck into with some good
old-fashioned role play.
- Yes?
- Yes, great, ok.
Now, stand up and shake it out.
Shake it out.
Right, let me
just have a little think
Ok, ok, I've got it, I've got it.
- Justine, you're a waitress.
- Ok.
Sara, sit down, sit down.
Spill it out, spill it out.
Now, you are a customer.
You're half way through your
starter, you find a beetle in it.
I want you to complain.
Right.
SHE CLEARS HER THROA Excuse me?
Of course.
IN A POLISH ACCENT: I'm sorry, my
leg, it was damaged in an accident.
For goodness' sake.
I mean
Babcia told me not to play on
construction site, but I was young.
I did not know what bulldozer was.
Now all I have is this job.
How can I help you?
Yeah, I really can't do this, cos
Just, just hold it there, hold
it there.
Be honest, go on.
SHE CLEARS HER THROA Yes?
- Sorry, it's this salad
- You don't like the salad?
My brother made that salad before he died.
Now, I make it every day in honour of him.
Yeah, this is ridiculous.
This is brilliant.
Just have another go.
How can I help you?
IN A POLISH ACCENT: Ah,
you're from the Old Country.
Me too, yes.
I see you have accident?
I also have accident, I
have very, very withered arm,
but I use it like scarf now to keep warm.
So, which part of Poland are you from?
Krakow.
My family also from there many years.
We are like sisters,
we've bonded together, yes.
So come get the beetle
out of this *** salad!
Excellent! Hug it out.
Oooh!
Hug it out.
Hug it out!
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Oh, sorry.
I've got to go.
I promised One Direction I'd
give them a status workshop.
If I'm one second late,
little Harry will be milfing
the heck out of something.
Hello, Harry!
Now, I've told you to stop sexting me.
- You're really good at that role play stuff!
- Thanks.
I love it.
Don't suppose you want
to do any more, do you?
Sure.
Who am I?
Right.
You're going to be a
receptionist at a busy vets.
Now, your job is to welcome clients
and also to sort out the disastrous
filing left by your predecessor.
Great!
Great.
All right, you start
tomorrow.
Minimum wage
Thank you.
God, this is looking so
tidy.
This is a great job.
Are you enjoying it?
Hi, I don't know you.
I'm
Anne-Marie, the agency sent me.
Wow, you like to get deep into
character, don't you? Hello.
Don't bin that, that's
for the rescue centre,
so just pop that up there, I'm
trying to raise some cash for them,
they are going down the tubes, poor things.
Ok, listen, send the next
patient in, Justine.
Thanks.
SHE CLEARS HER THROA - Anne-Marie.
- Oh, sorry, Anne-Marie.
Mrs Batalova, the vet will see you now.
I have been waiting 15 minutes.
If you were in Russia, you
would be in gulag by now.
I am Ivanka Budska Carolina Batalova.
Husband is Dmitri Konstantin Batalov.
This is our baby son, Sasha
Anatoli Vadim Kutchera IV.
Hello there, little fella.
Don't touch him.
Don't ever touch him.
Do you have any idea who this is?
Sasha the fourth?
This is a dog from Russia's
most famous bloodline.
His ancestors licked the feet of the Tsars,
all the way back in the 14th century.
His great-great-great-great-grandfather
defecated in Lenin's shoe.
Don't ever touch him.
Ok.
Perhaps you can tell
me what's wrong with him.
A week ago, we introduce
Sasha to Alexandria Chermatova,
the famous ***.
He did not like her.
We left him alone together.
Nothing.
Now, my husband refuse
to have him in the house
until he makes masculine eruption.
He cannot make sexy with other dog.
He is wrong in ***, maybe.
- Um, uh
- You can help?
I'll certainly try.
You've heard of oil?
- Yes.
- You've heard of gas?
- Yes.
- We own them.
If you help Sasha to achieve the wood,
I pay you much, much money.
The Russian way in bag, in boot of car.
And if I don't?
Same for you.
Boot of car.
DOOR OPENS
Ah, good morning.
I'm from the
Practice Standards Scheme
HE SNEEZES
- Oh, here you go.
- Thank you.
Yes, I'm Jonathan Walters, PSS.
Are you the receptionist
or one of the vets?
I am a vet.
Ah well, I inspect vets.
Oh, no, no Um no.
Ok, I just want to get some kind of
idea as to the type you like, so
Let me know.
Something long-haired?
No? Short-haired?
How about something continental or exotic?
I don't know.
Are you gay?
DOG GROWLS
All right, all right, easy.
You
Russians, you're all the same.
So that's my dream.
A plastic surgery clinic for animals.
Called Pug Ugly?
Yes.
I want it to be classy.
Oh, of course.
Well, I've never understood the
joys of small animal surgery.
For me, it's about all things equine.
Nothing beats sitting astride a stallion,
that taut barrel between your thighs,
breathing in that fresh, salty sweat,
feeling your hearts beating
as one and then jum p!
Ah
Mmmm.
- Do you know what I mean?
- Not really.
Anyhow, we should trot on,
get on with this inspection.
I'm not sure what's keeping our senior vet.
Perhaps we should hurry her along.
Yes, why not.
Do you want a bit of
butt, eh? In your face?
I'm the Beyonce of animal
behaviourism, look at this.
HE SNEEZES
This is Jonathan.
Of course.
Jonathan Walters, PSS.
I've been chatting to your colleague
and I have to say she's abreast
- of some very cutting-edge surgical techniques.
- Really?
Uh, eh lovely to meet you.
Um one thing.
On the form, there are two
vets listed at the practice,
but I've got them written as
Sara and Daniel.
Is that right?
That should read Danielle.
Danielle, I'll make that change.
And you just do small animals here, yes?
Nothing bigger, like
horses?
It's very hard to get a horse
into a small urban practice.
Your loss.
Well, Danielle's offered to take
me on a tour of the premises,
so if I can just take a
moment to clear my nostrils,
I'll be right with you.
What are you playing at?
IN A NORTHERN ACCENT:
Role-playing.
Like you asked.
I said receptionist, not vet.
You know, I got bored.
Well, I get bored, but I don't
suddenly turn into a florist!
Why are you talking with
that Northern accent?
Well, the only thing
I could think of was
BOTH: All Creatures Great And Small.
Well, thanks very much, Tristan,
you have landed me right in it.
Well, thank you both.
That was
a very interesting briefing.
I'll certainly take on board your
comments about a uniform, Danielle.
Yeah, do think about it.
I'd go floral or pastel.
Just something to soften
the whole evil inspector vibe.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow, then.
Tomorrow?
Yes, for the one-on-one interviews.
It's just the basics CPD records,
rates of post-surgical infection,
that sort of thing.
- I might watch a procedure too, if that suits.
- Absolutely!
Well, have a good evening.
And thanks.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye!
I think that went brilliantly.
You told him we'd treated a unicorn.
Yeah, I was trying to impress him!
I mean, they're rare, aren't they?
They are, they are very rare.
How come I didn't know he
was coming two days in a row?
Where's that letter?
It's here.
Under 'S' for 'Scary'.
Does anybody file traditionally any more
or is it all done by emotional states?
This isn't going to work, I'm
going to need to get Daniel back.
And I'm going to tell him a story.
I shall say that you were a locum or
just a passing nutter.
Oh.
So does that mean the role play's over?
Yes.
Well, who am I going to be now?
Er Justine?
And what is her motivation?
Do you know, I've never really had a clue.
TELEPHONE RINGS
'Please leave a message.
'
'Hi, this is a message for Sara.
It's Eve.
'
'Um ok, when you get
this, can you call me?'
'I really need to talk
to you, it's about my dog.
'
'Are you there?'
'If you're there, please,
can you pick up, it's urgent.
'
- Aren't you going to call her back?
- Nope, it's a ploy.
She knows that I know
she is seeing somebody.
So this is just another
way of reeling me in.
But her dog
It's a lie.
Trust me.
- Gosh.
- Mmm.
Can I just keep the Northern accent?
No, lass.
PEOPLE YELLING
Daniel!
Daniel!
Oh, it's you.
What the bloody
hell are you doing here?
Look, it's going really badly,
this inspection.
Really badly.
I just need you to come by
tomorrow and help me out, please.
I'm sorry, I told you, I'm
busy for the next few days.
It's Ninja *** time.
Oh, yes, sorry, I forgot.
Yes, it's
you and Red Sonja and Queen Carnal,
Empress Gonorrhoea, all just
holed up for the weekend.
Great.
You'd rather sit in that flat
and play video games than
help me out.
You loser!
Who dares to call you
a loser, Prince Gothica?
Be calm, my princess, or
you may wake The ***.
So sorry to interrupt.
Um great to meet you.
Lovely sword, by the way.
I I should go, anyway,
I was just going to
Yeah, if you wouldn't mind.
I'm mid-wargasm, yeah?
Ok, so not into bondage,
then? We know that.
You're so vanilla.
Right, now, I think we could kick off
with a little relaxer that I
picked up from the Cujareno tribe
in the Amazon "la danza de
las mujeres desnudas hormonales"
or The Dance of the
Hormonal Naked Women.
Right.
Now, what we need is some rush matting
and a couple of corks, ok?
No?
BOTH: No.
Shame.
Nevermind, let's do
a simple exercise instead.
We each take it in turns to make a claim
and then, the others guess
whether it's true or false.
Right.
Eventually, we build up enough
trust and knowledge of the group
to be able to disclose something genuine.
Yes, all right, Jamie, you start.
Right, ok.
- I like relaxing with
- That's a lie.
He never relaxes.
Damn! She's good, she's good.
My turn, my turn, my turn!
I once played Spin The
Bottle with the Queen Mother.
- True.
- True.
False.
SHE LAUGHS
No, it was Prince Albert of Monaco.
I once exploded a gerbil.
True.
False.
Actually, it's false.
Just mildly expanded.
I was once cautioned by the
Italian police for cleaning toe jam
from Michelangelo's David.
BOTH: True!
Damn! I'm rubbish at this.
Last night, I had an
*** dream about Jamie
in which we performed position 16
of the Kama Sutra the wheelbarrow.
That's false!
I think it's true.
It is true.
And then, we went on to perform the
wagon wheel and the angry lobster.
Oh, God
Well, I once took down a
client's details from our records
and went to her house, because I've
got a really terrible crush on her
and it's doomed to failure.
True!
Well done!
Now, Jamie, get the stopwatch!
Right, I'm coming in!
Right, that's it, I'm coming in!
I don't want to be re-born.
I don't want to be re-born.
- Morning!
- Morning!
No luck with Daniel, then?
No, he's currently upside
down being flagellated
by an Essex leather princess.
Well, I got your message and I'm
I am ready.
- Yeah?
- I spent all of last night researching being a vet.
Ask me anything, anything at all.
What vaccines do you
give a ten-week-old pup?
Measles, mumps, rubella and if
it's been a cold winter, a flu jab?
How do lambs acquire immunity?
I want to say if they become diplomats,
but I know that's not right, is it?
Or is it?
We're doomed.
- No, we're not, cos I've got a back-up plan.
- Oh, God!
I've asked Jamie to come in
and he's going to kick up a fuss
about his rabbit's appendix.
Rabbits don't have appendixes.
Then, you'll be able to tell him
that, showing off your knowledge.
DOOR OPENS
Morning.
Can I get you a cup of tea?
No, thank you.
I'm a bit pressed for time,
so let's crack on with the interviews
and have look at your surgical rota.
Do you have copies of your CVs?
CVs?
Yes.
I assume you do have copies.
Yeah, of course we do, in our cupboard.
Filed under F.
KNOCKING ON DOOR
Come in.
Take a seat.
So, Daniel.
That's a good start, isn't it?
Let's change that to Danielle.
I've been reading your mission statement,
"I can lead a horse to water,
but I can't make it drink.
"
What does that even mean?
"I am a *** talisman who brings energy,
vigour and potency to the party.
"
- Well
- Don't interrupt me.
"My hobbies include battle re-enactments,
cage fighting, helping
animals and big-game hunting.
"
"I pride myself on my attention
to detail, team management skills,
organisational abilities
and my attention to detail.
"
- Ahh
- I haven't finished.
I quote, "I am very
experienced at *** Relations.
"
Not presenting a very good picture, is it?
Right.
Sum yourself up in 18 words.
Oh! Um this isn't counting
towards my words, is it?
Really?
So how many have I got left?
Oh.
Care to tell me what's going on?
- What do you mean?
- Well, your colleague, Danielle.
- What about her?
- She's patently not qualified.
What gives you that idea?
When I asked her about her
training, she cited Spring Watch
and Lambing Live.
She thinks a gecko is a baby T-Rex.
She's a maverick.
When I asked her which animal she'd most
like to encounter, she said, "A wookie.
"
Oh, God, not wookie.
Ok.
So she's not a vet.
She's she's my friend.
She was here helping out
and we were a vet short
and well, she knew how important
this inspection was to me, so
it all just snowballed from there.
I lied.
I'm sorry.
I'm prepared
to face the consequences.
But why would you do that? Why lie?
To smooth things over? To
avoid disappointing someone?
To indulge someone's fantasy
of being something they're not.
Haven't you ever done that?
I always wanted to be a pirate
but I'm frightened of water,
so I became a vet.
What about you? You can't have
always wanted to be an inspector.
Damn it, where's my inhaler?
I thought you said you had a cold?
- I do.
- Well, why would you need an inhaler?
Why not?
Well, no reason, but, I mean, inhalers
you'd usually use it for, I don't know
Have you been shaving cats in here?
You have, haven't you?
No! Well, one or two, maybe.
Well, just help me look for it, please!
Why do you need an inhaler, Jonathan?
I mean, usually you would
use an inhaler for
All right!
Just give me the inhaler, please.
You wanted to be a pirate.
Well, I always wanted to be a vet.
From the moment I saw my
first horse, I knew it.
A palomino called Sally.
Lovely springy barrel.
The way her spine dug into my tailbone
SHE CLEARS HER THROA So I studied and studied,
got into vet school.
And then, out of nowhere,
in the second year,
I started wheezing and coughing and
Well, that was it.
I'm sorry.
My only real regret is that I
I never got to save a life.
Nobody in a suit ever did
anything as wondrous as that.
DOOR OPENS
Is there a vet here? I need help!
Help, I need a vet!
Help!
Hi, I need a vet.
My
rabbit's appendix have burst.
BOTH: Rabbits don't have appendix.
Well, there's something very wrong with her
and I need you to come with me NOW.
DOG BARKS
Oh, no oh, no.
Oh, no, no
Get it away from me.
I'm in
moleskin! I'm in moleskin!
I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to touch him!
He's related to the Romanovs or something.
Oh, God! It's got its lipstick out.
Not the moleskin.
DOOR OPENS
Can you help me, please?
He's just collapsed,
he's been puking all day.
Didn't you get my message?
Oh, just keep him lying still.
I need to check his
stomach, it's very swollen.
Ok, we'll skip bloodworks
and radiography
Daniel, can you prep the surgery please?
Daniel?
Oh, ***!
I can do it, if you like.
Ok, I would need you to prepare the
surgery for an emergency gastrotomy.
I will need minor
surgery pack and scrub in.
Justine, you too, scrub in.
Ok, we're getting the exploration.
Mid-line abdominal approach,
cutting along the linea alba.
Blood pressure 137, 138, still rising.
That's the digital clock, Justine.
This is exciting, isn't it?
You know, I haven't been
in an operating theatre
since I removed an infected
bit from a Shetland.
The way the light caught her
shaggy mane.
She was naked.
I was naked.
We were all naked.
I hate to interrupt, do naked
later, let's save this dog.
Look, there's something in
there blocking the pylorus.
I can't see it.
Listen, do
you want to take the reins?
Oh, I'd love to but before I begin,
I need to know how many hands is he?
Ok, four and a thumb.
- Four and a thumb.
Forceps.
- Forceps, right.
God, how did I miss that?
What is that? It's a palace?
- Actually, it's a fortress.
- Not you as well.
- Is there a difference?
- A fortress is a military installation.
You're my hero.
Right, ok, let's clean the wound.
Might need to just
This is fine, it's just it's just snot.
BEEPING
Damn, he's losing too much blood.
Justine?
I've got a steady reading of 9.
2.
They're the weighing scales,
you're standing on them.
I can't stabilise the pressure!
All right, increase fluids.
Not you, Justine, the dog!
- Clamp.
- Clamp.
Come on,
come on, boy!
We're not going to lose you.
HE NEIGHS
HE IMITATES HORSE TROTTING
Whoa
Easy there
HE SIGHS
Perfect job, Jonathan.
Thank you.
Now, pass me the suture needle
and let's get this gelding sown up.
I'm not quite sure what to
make of the past couple of days,
but thank you.
It's been great to get back in the saddle.
Well, thank YOU.
I mean, I promise I'll be an awful
lot more straightforward next time.
Ah, your secret's safe with me.
Oh, I hope you don't mind I'd
like to keep this as a souvenir.
It will sit well next to my dressage cup.
- Of course you can.
- Thank you.
Oh, now we've both got a souvenir.
Indeed.
Nice to meet you.
And you.
I need to warn you he's
left half of his sinus cavity
in your dog's stomach.
- Oh, does that mean we need to come back?
- Stop it.
I came to your house.
Oh, so that was you by the bins
in the night vision goggles?
I came to your house.
I know you did.
Well, I guessed it was you.
You ran off, I wanted to
I'm very sorry.
I've
been incredibly childish.
I should have answered
the phone when you called
and I should have done that
consultation and that was
incredibly unprofessional.
It won't happen again.
DOOR OPENS
I'm here for Sasha.
Have
you made him erect yet?
I haven't, no, but our resident
sexologist, Dr James has.
Excellent.
My husband will be delighted that there
is no longer a eunuch in the house.
I bring you this as arranged.
Do not ask where it comes from.
Where is my dog?
We must plunge him immediately
into Alexandria Chermatova VII
while she is still drippy.
He is just there, I'll go get him.
Ok, Jamie, time to go.
- Where are we going?
- Well, I'm not going anywhere.
But you're going with
a very nice Russian lady
to create the next
generation of Slavic sex pest.
I'm not going.
You can't make me.
I'm not going to make you,
no.
But I can offer you this,
which could be, I don't know,
a lifetime's supply of mop
heads, microfibre cloths,
hand sanitisers, whatever
you want it to be, really.
You promise me there'll be no touching?
I promise.
Right, all sorted, Mrs Batalova.
Dr James will come with you
now and oversee the mating.
Sasha.
Just so you know the last dog
of hers who didn't make sexy
ended up as that coat,
so get it up, old fella.
Listen, about the other day
It is over.
I just I haven't
had the guts to say so, that's all.
It's not for me to judge you, you know.
I would be hypocritical.
There's plenty of things I haven't
told the people that I love,
so it's just call it quits.
We really need to sort ourselves
out, don't we? It's so boring.
How do you think I feel?
This is the first time I've
had to be a grown up, horrible!
I suggest you leave now
before I change my mind.
- How long before you crack?
- Three seconds.
- Three seconds isn't long
- Two seconds.
- You're being very strict.
- One
- All right! I'm gone.
- Very strict, go on, go on.
KNOCKING ON WINDOW
Sara, Sara, I'm not going.
I'm not going, ok?
I know you can hear me.
You cannot make me sit in a confined
space with that perverted hound.
DOG HOWLS