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Currently live in New York City, which is, uh...Yeah, you know it's there.
I've been living in New York about six years now,
and when I first moved there, I had a huge fear I was going to get mugged. Constantly.
Like every time I left the house I was like, "Here it comes".
"Someone's gonna take everything."
I got over my fear because I learned a trick,
and now I use this trick all the time.
Whenever I think someone might try to beat me up or mug me,
I fake a Russian accent.
You're welcome.
It's genius.
I'll be walking home late at night, two dangerous looking thugs walk up to me like,
"Yo, man! You know what neighborhood you're in?"
[RUSSIAN ACCENT] "You think this bad neighborhood?"
Russians are the scariest white people.
They've earned it.
I'm so scared of them that I guarantee if I was lost, dangerously lost,
There is no way I'd ask a Russian for directions.
Just real quick like, "Sir, help me, please help me."
"How do I get to the subway?"
[RUSSIAN ACCENT] "The subway?"
[RUSSIAN ACCENT] "Walk down street and turn corner."
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Yeah, screw that, I think I'm just gonna stay lost.
Thank you very much, you guys were great tonight.