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>> BOSS: Your hard drive is filthy.
Right - we got your computer back. I mean, it is - it is -
dirty. I'm talking like ho's, ***, ***, double ***, penetration, interracial facial, creampie -
I don't even know what that is.
>> ANNA DAVID: So we'll start first with the experts.
What are some of the symptoms of sex addiction?
>> ALEXANDRA KATEHAKIS: Well the signs and the symptoms and the consequences are all the same -
the ones we saw there - high levels of preoccupation are what people report. I mean, this is
what takes up most of the time. It's not the ***.
It's the thinking about, it's the ritualization,
it's the preparation, it's the obsession.
Loss of time, loss of
friends.
Loss of socialization.
It's a disease of isolation
whereby people spend all of their time,
energy,
either thinking about it, preparing for the next *** episode
and as I said earlier they continue
despite negative consequences,
which we see in him.
Even when he's confronted, he just looks dead and dissociated,
which is a large part of people that are true sex addicts. There's a high level
of compartmentalization
and dissociation, so that relationships fall away, anything that has any meaning
to people, they start to jeopardize.
And they can't NOT do it, as i think what
Carmen was saying also - that it led her to thinking about killing herself.
>> ANNA: And the thing you said before about how he looks like he's in pain -
>> ALEX: Yeah. Yeah, I mean that's what was so disturbing to me when I saw this movie
and why I liked the movie so much is that they didn't glamorize that at all.
>> ETHLIE ANN VARE: I call that his "Are we having fun yet?" face.
>> ALEX: Yeah, exactly. And you see
the tolerance that builds too. And there's a big argument academically about
whether
there is, in fact, tolerance with this problem.
And yet he keeps upping the ante where he ends up having sex with men
and we don't know that he's oriented towards men in the beginning of the movie but it doesn't
matter. He's just got to get out of this abject pain that he's in.
>> ETHLIE: I think part of that in this instance is his spiral toward self-destruction,
his version of his sister's wrist slashing. So it may not even be
an escalation of a *** need. I sometimes liken sex addiction to
nicotine addiction. No one is going to debate whether or not nicotine
cigarettes are addictive - an addiction rather than a habit.
But I personally managed to smoke a pack and a half a day for nineteen years. I was addicted. It didn't escalate to four packs a day, I was
still addicted. So I think it's possible to have an addiction without the phenomenon of increasing tolerance.
>> CHRIS DONAGHUE: Yeah. And I always think it's about their subjective experience. And that's why I think it's good that they
showed the biological deterioration.
You know, the neurology completely over-stimulated, the stress response
in the body, he's breaking down, he's not functioning.
I guess - you said high bar, low bar - I put it on a continuum. So I would see him as the
far end meeting all the criteria. Because it's important that they meet multiple criteria,
'cause if you take those apart - each one of those is a component of just being a ***
person in the world.
Preoccupation - we think about sex a lot,
unmanageability - that will happen from time to time.
So I think you have to always look for multiple criteria.
I think we're a little too over diagnose - over diagnostic culturally. I work with a lot of
couples where
one partner like sex a lot so they're a 'sex addict', they like looking at ***
so they're a 'sex addict'. The *** they're looking at is a little dirty - I think that's great - but they
call them a 'sex addict'.
>> ALEX: Right, but I think that's the problem with using the term sex addiction and how it's getting overused now.
Somebody has an affair and they're a 'sex addict' - and that's not true. That's just not true at all. But I
think you're right, and I think
it is a compendium of all
these problems
in one package
where the person just cannot function anymore.
And that's when it's not sexy, it's not funny, it's really
really painful.
>> CHRIS: Yes, because if you want to look at dirty, filthy *** and *** five people in a day in an
alley, and it's functional and it works for you - congratulations. You have my support.
Sounds like a great life but
if it's deteriorating your body, it's impacting your relationships, you're not getting through the work day -
>> ETHLIE: If it's marked by craving, compulsion and withdrawal, which are
you know, the physiological hallmarks of
addiction as opposed to just the 'bad habit'.
>> ANNA: I think that's a good time to ask the addicts here - is that something
- in terms of escalation, in terms of all three components - is that something
that happened with each of you?
>> CARMEN: Yes. Carmen, sex and love addict.
Yes, absolutely. Without a doubt.
The craving was intolerable.
And the withdrawal
was intolerable.
But if you can get into recovery, you can get through it.
And for me, getting into a 12-Step program
was the thing that got me through it.
It's been the only thing that's really
got me through it.
>> BUD: I'm Bud,
sexually compulsive. If you've noticed - he couldn't have sex with someone
he cared about.
Marianne, the
woman that he worked with.
When he got close to her
he couldn't
perform sexually.
He could have sex with people he didn't love, but he couldn't
have sex with people he loved. And that's
a sign. He used sex as a substitute for his close social and personal relationships.
And he threw sex at
his problems. So, for example, when he had his climactic bad night
with his sister,
he went out and he just tried to prove that he could have sex. I think even
sex with Marianne was to
retaliate to David, his boss,
for having trouble at work. That he would conquer his
employee.
So he threw sex at all of his problems. And it still didn't work.
>> MILES: Miles,
sex addict. I -
touching on that,
one thing that
- that i believe is that sex addiction is an intimacy disorder.
And -
that's a huge component of it, at least for me and my experience with
other people I've worked with.
And what Bud was talking about -
it was perfectly
illustrated by
- that in terms of his inability to function
sexually with someone he did care about and his inability to have any
relationships period. You know, he said the longest relationship he'd ever had was just four
months, and a number of other things, and
sex addicts tend to
- it's a very
- it's a very selfish disease and what you're doing is you're using - rather than having
a sensual
or spiritual connection to another person, it's a completely
physical
endeavor
- that there's - it's - it's
- When I got sexually sober, I realized that what i was doing
when I was having sex with other people - was I was actually just using another
person for ***. I wasn't actually having a connection to them.
And that was kind of, you know, what my sex life was like. I also like that they
showed in the movie - his relationship with *** - and that was a very big
addiction for myself.
And I see - and I'm seeing more and more people - especially with - it's so easily
accessible right now
- I can't even open up my email, you know, without having
twenty
invites to *** sites.
>> ANNA: Well something for the therapists - how do you know
if someone - if a client is a sex addict?
>> CHRIS: Part of it has to have a subjective component.
Because I think it's easy to get into
this normalizing view of how things should be, how sex should be, how relationships should be,
such a multitude of configurations.
The one addict mentioned
having sex with the person as though they're not a real person.
If that's the only
way you can be ***, it's probably problematic. I try to work with people having a
full skill set
where sometimes if you want objectified sex where it's all about you - that's great,
but you want to have the ability to tap into intimate sex as well.
So I think the first piece is subjectively recognizing that this is
not feeling good anymore, it's not working for me - and take it from there.
>. ETHLIE: I like to - I try to do little, like actual signs as opposed to symptoms -
one being objective and the other being subjective - like if you've turned your
monitor on your desk so that no one else can see what's on it - Sign.
Right? If you're keeping a list or a diary of *** conquests but lying to other people
about your *** conquests - Sign.
If your number of *** conquests is approaching four figures -
Sign.
>> CHRIS: Wait, I don't think -
>> ETHLIE: If you know the number - Sign.
>> CHRIS: I just want to make sure -
>> ETHLIE: I said sign, didn't say diagnosis. I said sign.
You know, you stack up enough of themи
If you're keeping trophies - Sign. If you have a certain ritualized pattern, do your sex partners
have to dress a certain way or look a certain way for you - Sign. Not diagnosis. Sign.
>> ALEX: THis is why Ethlie's book "Love Addict"
is so hilarious and well-written
if you're interested in reading more about love addiction. I would say that what we do at the Center for
Healthy Sex is that we use tests. One of them is a test for hyper-***
behavior that has solid psychometrics. And that when people fall within these ranges
they most likely have a problem. People typically call our office because
they're identifying as having a problem.
They're saying "What I'm doing is not okay for me."
And there are a couple of self tests that you can find on the internet if you
google "sex addiction screening test"
that will give people an idea about where they are on the road map.
And I'm in agreement with Chris - if somebody says "I have a problem with this"
then we have a problem.
If they don't have a problem, it's not a problem.
>> ANNA: So it's sort of the equivalent of the twenty questions for addiction?
>> ALEX: Sure. Or CAGE which is maybe, what? Four questions.
>> ANNA: Right. Does anyone have anything else to add on this?
>> MILES: I was going to say -
Miles, sex addict - I was going to say one thing about
a point I wanted to make
at least for myself, and I found this with, you know, with a lot of the addicts I know -
Sex addiction, indeed we get into the ritualization and talking about
how it's more - it's more about
you know, the hours preparing and searching rather than
the actual ***
- I know it's about -
addicts tend to use this as a way to manage our
feelings. You know, this is a coping mechanism that we have learned to do
with our feelings the same way an alcoholic drinks
perhaps to manage their feelings. Sex addicts have learned that - you know, there's a reward
center in my brain that I can activate and it'll make, you know, my fears and - and
and uh...
and bad feelings not be so present if I engage in this behavior.
>> ANNA: We're going to show the third clip
and that is - "What are the signs of love addiction?"