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HE WAS HITTING ON ME.
YOU ARE SO FULL OF YOURSELF.
CHAD BARRY HAS HAD, LIKE, TEN GIRLFRIENDS IN THE LAST YEAR.
THEY SAY WHEN YOU ARE A DRUG ADDICT, YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO THINK OF SOMETHING THAT YOU WANT TO LIVE FOR.
THE THING I LIVE FOR IS... IS MY FAMILY.
SO YOU HIJACKED MY DATE.
I CAN'T DATE YOU.
I KNOW.
SO YOU ARE GAY.
NO, MAN. BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T THINK YOU'RE HOT.
(both laughing)
WE WERE HAVING FUN. THAT'S ALL.
WELL, I WANT US TO HAVE FUN, AND WE DON'T.
NOT LIKE WE USED TO.
ARE YOU DATING KITTY WALKER?
HOW LONG HAVE YOU TWO BEEN SEEING EACH OTHER?
OH! IT'S A PICTURE FRAME.
IT'S SO... SHINY AND PRETTY.
IT'S JUST WHAT I WANTED FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
SHE HATES IT.
WELL, WE JUST THOUGHT WITH THE BABY COMING--
NO, NO, NO. YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH PICTURE FRAMES.
I LOVE IT. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
MMM.
I KNOW, AND IT'S STORE-BOUGHT.
MOM, I-I REALLY WANTED TO BAKE,
BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN REALLY BUSY AT WORK,
AND COOPER'S HAD THIS HORRIBLE FLU--
OH, OH, OH!
SORRY, GUYS.
SARAH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE EXCUSES.
I LOVE STORE-BOUGHT WHITE COCONUT CAKE. IT'S MY FAVORITE.
AND BESIDES THAT,
YOU KNOW I DIDN'T WANT A BIG BIRTHDAY PARTY.
NO, I-I DON'T NEED ANYTHING FANCY.
OH, MY DEAR SISTER, YOU ARE MANY THINGS,
OH, SAULY, COME ON.
NOW YOU KNOW I WAS THE ONE THAT INSISTED
WE DO SOMETHING LOW-KEY AND INTIMATE AND QUIET.
THIS IS PERFECT.
OH, MOTHER. YOU WANTED A PARTY.
I TOLD YOU. DIDN'T I TELL YOU?
YOU KNOW, IN OUR DEFENSE, MOM,
YOU WERE REALLY QUITE CONVINCING.
KEVIN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR LISTENING TO ME.
THIS ISN'T A-A WEDDING. IT'S NOT A BAR MITZVAH.
IT'S JUST AGING. I'M 60. (chuckles)
MORE CAKE?
I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE THOUGHT THAT WAS HER PARTY.
I KNOW. I ALMOST FELT SORRY FOR HER.
MMM. DID YOU SEE THAT LOOK OF DEVASTATION
WHEN WE BROUGHT HER THE CAKE FROM AISLE SIX?
(all laughing)
OH, MY GOD, IT WAS TOTAL GENIUS.
OKAY, COME ON. LET'S NOT PAT OURSELVES ON THE BACK QUITE YET.
WE STILL HAVE A SURPRISE PARTY TO PULL OFF.
OKAY. 1:00 P.M., KITTY LEAVES THE HOUSE WITH MOM
REALLY? NOT KEVIN?
DIDN'T YOU USE TO DATE ONE OF THOSE FLYING MONKEYS?
DON'T LAUGH. ONE OF THOSE FLYING MONKEYS GOT THEM HOUSE SEATS.
EXCUSE ME. WHO ARE YOU TEXTING SO FRANTICALLY?
NOTHING FRANTIC ABOUT IT. I HAVE FAST THUMBS.
GREAT. I'LL PUT THEM TO USE IN THE KITCHEN.
WHAT--WHOA, 9:00?
AREN'T I SUPPOSED TO MEET, UH, SPARKY'S PARTY PEOPLE
UH-HUH, IN THE AFTERNOON.
MM-HMM.
COME ON, I HAVE WORK TO DO. HOW--LOOK--
HEY.
THAT WOULD BE A DEAD GIVEAWAY IF SHE LEFT WITH US.
OH, YEAH.
EXACTLY. NOW, SAUL, HOW ARE WE DOING WITH THE R.S.V.P.s?
41. OUR USUAL CLOSEST FRIENDS AND RELATIVES.
YEAH, WE'RE SWIMMING IN THE STUFF.
THAT VINEYARD HOLLY WANTS TO BUY,
THEY'RE JUST SENDING OVER CRATES OF WINE.
GREAT. OKAY, 2:00 P.M.--JULIA.
I KNOW, I PICK UP THE CAKE AT MILLIE'S.
YEAH, AND I'M OFF TO MALIBU TO GET JUSTIN FROM REHAB.
GREAT.
I GOTTA GO.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. DID WE ALL LEAVE, UH, VIDEO TESTIMONIALS?
MINE'S ON THAT CHAIR IN THE DINING ROOM.
SEE YOU, BABY.
(door closes)
OKAY, RACHAEL RAY, TIME FOR BED.
NO, NO, NO. YOU CAN'T GET OUT OF THIS.
WE HAVE A VIDEO TO MAKE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO, YOU KNOW.
I HAVE A WHOLE PINT OF ICE CREAM IN THE FRIDGE.
I GUESS YOU DON'T EAT ICE CREAM, RIGHT? MORE OF A SORBET MAN?
I JUST GOTTA GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP, THAT'S ALL.
I HAVE A BIG SCENE TOMORROW. MY FATHER'S OLD MAFIA BOSS
IS TRYING TO KILL ME WITH A POISONED LATTE.
I DO. MY GIRLFRIEND KRISTA DRINKS IT INSTEAD.
OH, SHE'S THE--SHE'S THE NURSE WITH THE HUGE ***, RIGHT?
I THOUGHT YOU NEVER WATCH THE SHOW, MR. SNOB.
YOU DID?
HMM. SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I THINK YOU'RE GREAT.
MY SISTER SARAH'S BEEN FILLING ME IN ON WHO'S WHO.
SHE USED TO WATCH IT ALL THE TIME WHEN SHE WAS PREGNANT.
YOU TOLD YOUR SISTER ABOUT US?
JUST--YEAH, JUST THAT WE'RE FRIENDS.
IT'S--IT'S FINE. DON'T WORRY. IT'S FINE.
(sighs) IT'S JUST, WE GOTTA BE CAREFUL, DUDE.
(sighs)
YOU UNDERSTAND, RIGHT?
YEAH. YEAH, OF COURSE.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A TV HEARTTHROB WITH A GIRLFRIEND. COME ON.
IT'D BE STUPID FOR ME TO THINK THAT THIS IS, YOU KNOW,
DON'T BE LIKE THAT.
LOOK, I'VE BEEN WITH OTHER GUYS BEFORE,
BUT NEVER MORE THAN ONCE.
THIS IS A BIG DEAL FOR ME.
YOU SHOULD GET A GOOD NIGHT'S REST.
I WOULDN'T WANT YOU
TO ACCIDENTALLY DRINK THE POISONED LATTE.
COOL.
I'LL TEXT YOU GOOD NIGHT?
NOTHING SAYS GOOD NIGHT LIKE A TEXT.
HEY, MOM.
UH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
YOU TAUGHT ME TO BE A FRIEND AND A MOTHER.
I'M DEFINITELY MY MOTHER'S DAUGHTER--
THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY.
NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING UGLY.
WHAT? THAT WAS OKAY. THAT WAS GOOD.
STOP. I GOTTA-- I GOTTA DO IT AGAIN.
GO AGAIN. JUST GIVE ME A SECOND.
YEAH, KEEP PRAC-- KEEP PRACTICING. JUST A SEC.
60 YEARS OLD. 60 YEARS YOUNG. MAYBE I SHOULD DO--
QUIET ON THE SET, PLEASE. SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.
QUIET ON THE SET, PLEASE.
SARAH'S TOAST TO HER MOM, TAKE 16.
OH, AN ADVANTAGE?
YEAH. UM, YOU CAN DO IT. COME ON.
OKAY.
OH, STOP IT. CUT IT OUT.
OH, YEAH.
OH, WOW.
WHAT?
JOE!
COME ON! WE'RE NOT...
(quietly) MAKING A... SEX VIDEO.
OH, HEY. THERE'S AN IDEA.
(normal voice) YEAH. YOU'RE INSANE.
YOU KNOW, YOU SAID THAT YOU WANTED TO HAVE MORE FUN.
THIS WOULD BE FUN.
YEAH. YEAH, RIGHT.
WE DO IT RIGHT HERE ON THE COUCH WITH THE KIDS UPSTAIRS
THAT IS SO HOT.
MMM, HMM, HMM.
YOU'RE SERIOUS.
MMM. MMM, MMM. MMM.
JOE! COME ON.
I PUT IN A NEW TAPE.
MM-HMM.
OOH! (giggles) JOE...
IF THIS ENDS UP ON THE INTERNET--
WE'LL MAKE A KILLING.
(giggles) STOP IT.
(shoe bangs on floor)
NO. NO, NO, BETTY, IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED.
YOU REMEMBER RENEE BAUMANN'S 60th? IT WAS A TOTAL DEBACLE.
HALF THE NEIGHBORHOOD ENDED UP WITH FOOD POISONING.
I--BETTY, THERE'S SOMEONE AT THE DOOR. I HAVE TO GO.
I'LL CALL YOU RIGHT BACK. BYE-BYE.
MOM. OH, MY GOD, MOM!
WELL, NORA, PLEASE GET OUT OF THE DOORWAY.
IT'S COLD OUT THERE.
MOTHER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WELL, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, HONEY.
ACTUALLY, MY BIRTHDAY WAS TWO DAYS AGO. YOU'RE A LITTLE LATE.
LATE? THE PARTY IS NOT TILL TONIGHT.
WHAT PARTY?
WELL, YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY, OBVIOUSLY.
I HAVE THE FEELING
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SURPRISE, MOTHER.
OH.
A SURPRISE PARTY.
IT'S OKAY.
THAT'S OKAY, MOTHER. MAYBE YOU DIDN'T KNOW.
THESE THINGS CAN HAPPEN, I GUESS.
SO IT'S MY FAULT NOW? (scoffs)
WOULD YOU GET MY BAG?
THE CAB DRIVER LEFT IT OUT AT THE CURB.
OH, MY GOD.
I KNOW, MOM. RIGHT. ONE SECOND. ONE SECOND.
I TOLD YOU I DID NOT WANT A BIG TO-DO!
ARE YOU CRAZY, NORA? IT'S YOUR 60th BIRTHDAY.
DID YOU THINK WE REALLY WERE GONNA STOP AT COCONUT CAKE?
I CERTAINLY DIDN'T THINK YOU WOULD INVITE OUR MOTHER
TO A SURPRISE PARTY WHICH I WAS VERY CLEAR
NOT THAT CLEAR.
I MEAN, SHE CALLS ME EVERY SUNDAY NIGHT.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I HAD TO TELL HER.
I MEAN, IF I THOUGHT THAT SHE WAS ACTUALLY GONNA COME--
WELL, OF COURSE SHE WOULD COME! YOU INVITED HER!
I DID NOT INVITE HER!
SHE'S HERE BECAUSE SHE LOVES YOU.
(stammering) NOW DON'T-- DON'T--
SHE NEVER EVEN CAME TO MY HUSBAND'S FUNERAL!
JUST CALM DOWN.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
COME ON.
HI, MOM. I'LL MAKE YOU SOME COFFEE.
OHH!
YOU HAVE SO MANY FANCY GADGETS HERE.
DO YOU EVEN USE HALF THIS STUFF?
I LIKE TO COOK, MOM.
(chuckles) IT'S NOT COOKING WHEN YOU USE ALL THIS STUFF.
IT'S CHEATING.
YEAH.
HERE SHE COMES, PEOPLE, OUR FEARLESS LEADER.
YOUR KITCHEN AWAITS.
HON, YOU OKAY?
UH-OH.
NO, DON'T. DON'T "UH-OH" ME. I'M NOT GONNA GET SICK.
YOU LOOK GREEN...
LIKE KERMIT THE FROG GREEN.
I AM COOKING FOR 40-PLUS.
I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO GET SICK.
OKAY. WHERE DO YOU WANT THE--
THE--
OH, GOD.
LAMB?
WHAT? NO. NO, NO. YOU'RE KIDDING ME. YOU CAN'T BE SICK.
I ALREADY TOLD MYSELF THAT, KEVIN. IT DIDN'T WORK.
LOOK, THE PARTY'S IN 9 HOURS AND 33 MINUTES.
OH, SARAH, THIS IS SO NOT YOUR FAULT.
YES, IT IS HER FAULT! I TOLD HER TO--
HOW IS THIS HELPING?
WELL, LOOK, I CAN'T COOK FOR EVERYBODY.
WELL, CLEARLY, WE DO HAVE TO FIND A CATERER.
FOR TONIGHT?
(Kevin) Where the hell is Kitty?
WHAT--SHE'S NOT DOING ANYTHING FOR THIS PARTY.
Kitty is already making calls from her office.
The bulk of the planning is already done.
I JUST--I NEED YOU GUYS TO JUST--
to step up and take the reins, okay,
and communicate with each other.
YES.
YEAH.
GOOD, BECAUSE I'M GONNA GO AND THROW UP NOW.
YOU'RE STRICTLY KOSHER?
WELL--WELL, JUST-- JUST SAY THAT I WANTED,
LIKE, A CREAM SAUCE ON--
WELL, OKAY. OKAY, OKAY.
I--IT--IT...
GOOD SHABBAS?
(groans) DON'T ASK.
AH, THE BIG 6-0.
YEAH, AND, UH, WE ARE SUDDENLY WITHOUT FOOD.
SO THE BIG 6-0 IS ABOUT TO BECOME A BIG FAST
UNLESS I CAN FIND A CATERER, AND I CAN'T.
EXCUSE ME?
OF COURSE YOU DO.
PIETRO IS WORLD-CLASS. HIS CRAB CAKES ARE UNBELIEVABLE.
NOT KOSHER, BUT...
PIETRO, IT'S ROBERT.
LISTEN, I HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF AN EMERGENCY.
THERE'S AN EVENT IN L.A. TONIGHT, AND I NEED YOU.
OKAY. I'LL CALL YOU BACK WITH THE INFO.
CRISIS AVERTED.
IT'S NOTHING.
NO. NO, IT'S NOT NOTHING. YOU JUST SAVED ME--
WELL, SAVED-- YOU SAVED ALL OF US
FROM GIVING MY MOTHER A SECOND HORRIBLE BIRTHDAY PARTY.
AND, YOU KNOW, UM... YOU SHOULD COME.
OH. THANK YOU.
NO, NO. I'M--I'M SERIOUS.
YOU CAN COME AND EAT CRAB CAKES
AND--AND "CAKE" CAKE
AND, YOU KNOW, YOU'D MEET THE WHOLE ENTIRE CRAZY FAMILY.
WELL, NOT THAT IT'S GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE SMALL,
INTIMATE FAMILY DINNER PARTIES.
MY MOTHER IS ACTUALLY SHOCKINGLY POPULAR,
BUT, YOU KNOW, THERE'LL BE LOTS OF PEOPLE,
OOH.
THAT'S OKAY, YOU'LL BLEND IN,
YOU KNOW, UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU HAVE PLANS ALREADY.
JUST FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY.
OH. WELL, GOOD.
SO YOU KNOW HOW THIS IS GONNA WORK, RIGHT?
YEAH, I'M HIS, UH, HIS CHAPERONE, KIND OF.
NOT "KIND OF," TOMMY.
WE'RE RELEASING JUSTIN UNDER YOUR SUPERVISION.
IS THERE ANY CHANCE OF ME
WE NEED YOU TO SIGN THESE PAPERS.
IT'S MOSTLY FOR THE INSURANCE COMPANY.
IT STATES THAT YOU'RE GONNA BE ASSUMING ALL LIABILITIES
SURE.
ALSO THAT YOU WILL NOT BE TAKING JUSTIN ANYPLACE
WHERE DRUGS OR ALCOHOL WILL BE READILY AVAILABLE.
IS THAT A PROBLEM?
UH, NO, NO, NO. NOT A PROBLEM.
JUST--UH, JUST BRING IT ALL IN AND SET IT DOWN ANYWHERE.
THAT'D BE GREAT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OH, THESE GOBLETS? AREN'T THEY FABULOUS?
WHAT... WHAT'S--WHAT'S GOING... WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?
UH, SPARKY'S IN THE DINING ROOM.
WHAT--EXCUSE ME!
DOESN'T THIS LOOK GREAT?
IT'S YOUR FAMILY'S PERSONALIZED COAT OF ARMS.
OKAY, STOP. WHAT--I'M SORRY. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING AB--
WHAT'S WITH THE GOB--
IT'S THE MEDIEVAL PACKAGE.
NO, NO, NO. WE ORDERED THE MID-LEVEL PACKAGE.
THERE'S NO SUCH THING. YOU MUST HAVE CHECKED THE WRONG BOX.
NO, OKAY, OKAY. IT'S MY MOTHER'S 60th, OKAY?
THROWING HER A PARTY WITH A MIDDLE-AGED THEME
(cell phone rings)
YEAH, YEAH, 30 SECONDS. HELLO?
I'M JUST DOUBLE-CHECKING. ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO INCLUDE
all this footage on your mom's tape?
WHAT--UH, UH, YES. WHY?
(cell phone beeps)
UH, HOLD ON A SECOND. I HAVE ANOTHER CALL.
You're not gonna believe this.
WE CAN'T HAVE ALCOHOL AT THE HOUSE.
It's the only way they'll allow Justin to be there.
OKAY. IT'S NOW OFFICIALLY A NIGHTMARE.
DON'T GET DEFENSIVE. JUST GET HERE.
YOU WERE SAYING?
SIR, I'M ON A SCHEDULE.
OKAY, THAT'S GREAT. YOU CAN JUST PUT IT BACK ON THE TRUCK.
GUYS! YOU CAN JUST PUT IT BACK ON THE TRUCK. THANK YOU.
MY JOB IS TO DELIVER, NOT TAKE AWAY.
Mr. Walker, I don't think this is appropriate
UPSTAIRS IS EXTRA.
WHATEVER YOU HAVE, JUST PUT IT ON THERE.
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS NOW, OKAY? THANK YOU, BYE.
YEAH?
WE'RE SENATOR McCALLISTER'S SECURITY DETAIL.
RIGHT, AND--AND YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE...
SAYS WHO?
DID MY SISTER INVITE HIM?
WE DON'T DEAL WITH HIS PERSONAL LIFE.
RIGHT.
I DOUBT THAT.
I LOVE GOING TO A MATINEE. I REALLY, REALLY LOVED IT.
I TELL YOU WHAT, I DON'T KNOW WHY KEVIN ENDED THINGS
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
MY LIPS ARE DRY. OH!
THIS WEATHER IS SO WEIRD.
ALL RIGHT. SHALL WE GO?
OKAY.
SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA--
(all) SURPRISE!
SURPRISE. SURPRISE.
WOW!
OH, MY.
WELL, I--I'M JUST... SO...
IS THAT A COAT OF ARMS?
WELL, YEAH, YEAH. YOU-- WELL, WE KNOW HOW YOU LIKE THEM.
PRETTY.
(cheering)
OH!
I-I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT YOU PULLED OFF, TRULY.
AH, WELL, SARAH DESERVES MOST OF THE CREDIT.
SARAH GOT THE FLU FROM THE KIDS.
OH. AND, JUSTIN!
MOM!
NORA, A PEASANT GIRL TOLD ME THERE IS NO ALCOHOL.
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
I'LL--I'LL GET YOU A SPARKLING CRANBERRY JUICE, GRANDMA.
(man) ♪ OPEN UP THE GATE... ♪
WELL, WHO'S THE MOVIE STAR?
OH! UM...
TOLD YA.
OH, YEAH.
IS THIS A COSTUME PARTY?
APPARENTLY IT IS. BUT, YOU KNOW, OUR HOUSE
DOESN'T USUALLY, YOU KNOW, LOOK LIKE THIS.
NORA, VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I AM SO SORRY TO JUST BE GETTING HERE,
BUT YOU KNOW THE RULE-- BE EARLY OR LATE.
OH!
MOTHER.
YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, SENATOR McCALLISTER,
WHEN SARAH GOT SICK, HE-- HE GENEROUSLY GAVE US HIS CHEF.
JUST AN ACT OF CULINARY BIPARTISANSHIP.
(chuckles)
UH, KEVIN, DO YOU THINK
MAYBE YOU COULD SHOW GRANDMA THE COUCH?
SURE. LIKE I HAVEN'T DONE ENOUGH TODAY. COME ON, GRANDMA.
(chuckles)
HUH!
LOOK AT YOU. YOU ARE SO HANDSOME.
(chuckles)
WHY ARE YOU STILL A BACHELOR? HOW IS YOUR LOVE LIFE?
ARE YOU DATING ANYBODY?
UH, I D--I DON'T--NO. IT'S--
SEE, YOU JUST HAVEN'T MET THE RIGHT GIRL YET, THAT'S ALL.
IT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
THAT'S--GRANDMA, THE THING IS, I'M--
(laughs) OH, LOOK AT YOU BLUSHING.
IF I WAS YOUR AGE, I WOULD DATE YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA GET US SOME WINE.
JUST, UH, JUST KEEP IT ON THE D.L. YEAH.
(whispers) KEEP IT ON THE D.L.
KIND OF A CUSTARD?
YOU, COME WITH ME NOW.
WHOOP. EXCUSE ME.
♪♪♪
HERE I COME.
WHERE DID THEY HIDE THE ***?
TELL ME. REALLY, I'M NOT JOKING.
NORA, IF I KNEW WHERE IT WAS, I'D BE DRUNK BY NOW.
MOM IS DRIVING ME CRAZY. I'M GONNA END UP
INSTITUTIONALIZED ON MY 60th BIRTHDAY.
WHY DO YOU LET HER GET TO YOU?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST WALK AWAY?
OH, WHERE WOULD I GO? SHE'S LIKE A HEAT-SEEKING MISSILE.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH THE TWO OF YOU?
HOW? HOW AM I BEHAVING LIKE A CHILD?
WHAT HAS SHE BEEN TELLING YOU?
NOTHING. THERE'S JUST SO MUCH MISUNDERSTANDING
OH, NO, I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING SHE SAYS.
ALL RIGHT, TELL ME SOMETHING.
DID YOU TELL HER NOT TO COME TO WILLIAM'S FUNERAL?
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LISTEN TO HER.
SHE ASKED ME IF IT WOULD BE ALL RIGHT
IF SHE WENT ON A CRUISE TO THE BAHAMAS.
WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO SAY, "NO, MOTHER, I REALLY THINK
IT'S A BETTER IDEA IF YOU COME TO MY HUSBAND'S FUNERAL"?
WELL, MAYBE SHE JUST WANTED YOU TO TELL HER
YOU KNOW WHAT? IT WAS NOT ABOUT HER.
MY HUSBAND DIED.
IT WAS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE HER FEEL BETTER.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS TAKE HER SIDE?
I DON'T TAKE ANYONE'S SIDE.
(gasps)
MMM.
OH. ALL RIGHT.
OH, SENATOR, HELLO.
OH, EXCUSE ME. I JUST WANT TO SEE HOW EVERYONE'S DOING.
UH... NO, UM, DON'T I KNOW YOU?
I FEEL LIKE I...
YES. I COOKED AT A BENEFIT FOR THE CHILDREN'S WISH.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT!
OH!
AH, THAT WAS MY HUSBAND'S FAVORITE CHARITY.
IT'S BEING THREATENED, YOU KNOW. A CONSORTIUM OF BUSINESSMEN--
THEY'VE, UH, FIGURED OUT A WAY TO MANIPULATE EMINENT DOMAIN
TO KNOCK DOWN THE CHURCH AND BUILD A SUPERMARKET.
I DIDN'T THINK YOU REPUBLICANS CARED ABOUT THINGS LIKE THAT.
YOU KNOW, NORA, I BET YOU AND I COULD FIND A LOT TO AGREE ON.
IN FACT, I'M SURE YOU'RE IN COMPLETE AGREEMENT
ON WHAT AN ASTONISHING WOMAN KITTY IS.
(man) ♪ WE GROW UP... ♪
AH, YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD RELAX. YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET HER VOTE.
OH, I DON'T KNOW. I-I THINK HE'S MY FAVORITE REPUBLICAN,
MM-HMM.
ANY MORE RAVIOLI LEFT? THE SENATOR'S THUGS...
UH, NO, NOT OFFICIALLY,
ALTHOUGH I AM FAMILIAR WITH HIS POLITICS.
HOW YOU DOING?
IT IS THE SENATOR HERE WHO PROVIDED US
WITH THIS FABULOUS FEAST FOR TONIGHT.
MAYBE WE COULD LEAVE THE POLITICAL DEBATE
OH, ABSOLUTELY, OF COURSE.
MAYBE ONE DAY, HE CAN EVEN CATER MY WEDDING,
ALTHOUGH HE'D HAVE TO BE
NOT NECESSARILY.
MMM.
KEVIN, TALK. NOW, PLEASE.
TAKE YOUR TIME. (chuckles)
THE ONE CONTRIBUTION YOU MADE TO THIS PARTY IS
KEVIN, I REALLY THOUGHT THAT YOU AND I WERE DONE WITH THIS.
OH, GOD, YOU MISS THE POINT! OKAY, OKAY.
IT IS ONE THING TO GO AND WORK FOR THE GUY,
WHICH I HAVE FINALLY COME AROUND TO.
BUT TO BRING HIM TO M--OUR HOUSE,
HE GAVE US HIS CHEF. IT WAS THE NICE THING TO DO.
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU HAVE NO ROOM TO TALK.
WHO TOLD YOU?
WHAT? I NEVER SAID A WORD.
YOU'RE THE ONE BLABBING TO THE ENTIRE FAMILY.
OKAY, WHATEVER. LOOK, WHERE DID YOU HIDE THE WINE?
IT'S IN THE CLOSET.
YOU PUT THE WINE IN MY CLOSET?
IS YOUR LITTLE BOYFRIEND IN THERE?
HEY, HEY, HEY! KEEP IT DOWN. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE ABOUT TO START THE VIDEO. WHERE'S JUSTIN?
IF HE DOES SOMETHING STUPID TONIGHT--
WE CAN'T, KITTY. THAT'S WHY HE'S IN REHAB.
NO, HE'S IN REHAB TO GET BETTER, AND THAT INVOLVES
TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THINGS THAT HE'S ALREADY DONE,
WAIT. HE--HE WHAT?
YEAH. YEAH, I GUESS HE HAD TO GO APOLOGIZE TO HER,
KITTY, YOU--YOU-- YOU LET HIM GO?
NO. NO, I PINNED HIM DOWN AND I GAVE HIM A WEDGIE,
BUT I JUST COULDN'T KEEP HIM THERE.
I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE--
YOU HAVE TO TRY AND TRUST HIM, OKAY?
OKAY, FINE, BUT IF ANYTHING HAPPENS, IT'S--
KIDS, KIDS, COME ON. THEY'RE GONNA SHOW YOUR VIDEO. COME ON.
COME ON.
(Kenny Rogers) ♪ THROUGH THE YEARS ♪
♪ YOU'VE NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪
♪ YOU'VE TURNED MY LIFE AROUND ♪
♪ THE SWEETEST DAYS I'VE FOUND... ♪
YOU'RE LIKE A FINE WINE, NORA WALKER.
OH.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NORA.
WE LOVE YOU.
OH.
♪ I LOVE THE LIFE WE'VE MADE... ♪
(Joe) WE'LL MAKE A KILLING.
ARE THEY...
WHOA. WHOA! UH, WHERE'S THE REMOTE?
OH, MY LORD!
HOW DO YOU STOP--COME ON! HOW DO YOU--HOW DO YOU--
(Sarah) OOH.
(Joe) UH, TOMMY, HOW DO YOU TURN THIS THING OFF?
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING.
(laughs) PLEASE, I'M IN POLITICS.
I'VE PRETTY MUCH SEEN EVERYTHING.
(Joe) THERE'S NOTHING-- IT DOESN'T--
IT DOESN'T-- NOTHING ELSE IS HAPPENING.
AH, BOY.
OH, NO, THANK YOU.
HEY, JACK.
(man whispers indistinctly)
SARAH.
HEY, SARAH.
UM... WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I SAID I'D TRY AND MAKE IT IF I FELT OKAY.
JOE, WHAT'S GOING ON?
YEAH, SURE.
WHY ARE THERE COPS HERE ANYWAY?
OH, THOSE ARE SERFS.
SENATOR, WOULD--WOULD YOU LIKE SOME WINE?
I THOUGHT THIS WAS A DRY PARTY.
MM-HMM, BUT I-- I KNOW A GUY.
COME ON. THIS--THIS WAY.
THANKS FOR COMING.
YOU--YOU LOOK GREAT.
I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIME.
I-I WON'T KEEP YOU.
I-I NEED TO GET BACK TO MY MOM'S PARTY ANYWAY.
I JUST...
I CAME TO APOLOGIZE.
I'M NOT HERE TO MAKE AN EXCUSE,
BECAUSE THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR WHAT I DID.
BUT I--I'M IN REHAB.
SO YOU'RE OUT MAKING AMENDS, HUH?
THAT'S PART OF THE PROGRAM, ISN'T IT?
HOW HIGH UP AM I ON YOUR LIST?
YOU'RE RIGHT UNDER MY FAMILY.
LOOK, THAT NIGHT I GOT HIGH AT THE HOTEL,
I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER MUCH.
AND--AND THAT GIRL,
HONESTLY, IS JUST SOMEONE I USED TO USE WITH.
WE JUST TRY TO FORGET ABOUT STUFF TOGETHER.
NO.
TYLER, LOOK, YOU WERE THE BEST THING
THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME IN A LONG TIME.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?
JUSTIN, YOU MAY HAVE BEEN HIGH, BUT I WASN'T.
AND I REMEMBER EVERYTHING.
GOD, LOOK, I AM SO SORRY.
(woman) ♪ AND IF YOU LIKE... ♪
I GET OUT IN A WEEK. C-CAN I SEE YOU?
LOOK, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A DATE, RIGHT?
YOU--YOU CAN BRING ONE OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS.
I'M SEEING SOMEONE.
♪♪♪
THAT--I--THAT'S GREAT.
THAT'S GREAT. I'M--I'M--I'M--
I'M REALLY-- I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU.
♪♪♪
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO AFTER REHAB?
I'M GOING BACK.
UH, TO THE MIDDLE EAST.
THEY--THEY CALLED ME TO IRAQ.
OH, MY GOD.
♪♪♪
YOU FOUND OUT THAT DAY, DIDN'T YOU?
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
I DIDN'T WANT TO USE IT AS AN EXCUSE.
OH, JUSTIN.
♪♪♪
UH, YEAH, YOU KNOW, YOU--YOU SHOULD GO.
I DON'T WANT TO KEEP YOU.
YEAH.
♪ IT SEEMS LIKE NO ONE'S LISTENING... ♪
UM, TELL YOUR MOM I SAID HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
YEAH.
♪ SHE SINGS MY SONG ♪
♪ AND EVERY NIGHT ♪
(Robert) IF THIS IS WHERE YOU KEEP THE WINE,
WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR CLOTHES?
OH, JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND COME ON. SHUT THE DOOR.
I AM HAVING, LIKE, A FIFTH GRADE FLASHBACK
OF DINA SEGERSON AND SEVEN MINUTES IN HEAVEN.
HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN A CLOSET DRINKER?
NO, I'LL--I'LL THINK OF SOME MORE.
AHH.
WOW. THIS IS QUITE A COLLECTION.
OH, YEAH.
IF ONLY MY SHOES COULD TALK.
THESE ARE SUFFICIENTLY SLUTTY. WHAT'S THEIR STORY?
(chuckles)
HAMPTONS, 2002,
BROKE A HEEL DANCING ON A TABLE,
GOT SANDWICHED IN BETWEEN THIS, UH, CLUB PROMOTER
AND SOME TORTURED PLAYWRIGHT.
DO YOU WANT TO EXPLAIN THOSE?
(laughs) OH, MY GOD.
YES. HALLOWEEN TWO YEARS AGO...
UM... TRIBECA LOFT PARTY,
UH, JONATHAN AND I WENT AS SONNY AND CHER.
JONATHAN?
UH, YEAH. UH, JONATHAN, MY... EX-FIANCé.
YEAH, I'D RATHER TALK ABOUT MY SHOES.
UNDERSTOOD.
YOU KNOW, TONIGHT WAS UNUSUALLY BIZARRE,
EVEN FOR MY FAMILY.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IT'S BEEN FANTASTIC.
HMM.
WELL, YOU CERTAINLY MANAGED
TO CHARM THE PANTS OFF THE RINGLEADER.
I THINK MY MOTHER WAS ACTUALLY BATTING HER EYELASHES AT YOU.
SENATOR, THERE WAS,
PLEASE, WE'RE IN A CLOSET. CALL ME ROBERT.
OKAY, WELL, ROBERT, SO NOW THAT YOU'VE MANAGED
TO MAKE MY MOTHER FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU,
WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL KEVIN THAT YOU HAVE A GAY BROTHER?
MM, BECAUSE I DON'T TRADE IN THAT KIND OF CURRENCY.
I'M NOT GONNA USE MY BROTHER TO GET YOUR BROTHER'S APPROVAL.
(man) ♪ SOMEONE TURN A LIGHT ON... ♪
WELL, IT WOULD MAKE THINGS A LOT EASIER.
MAKE WHAT EASIER?
♪♪♪
HMM.
MM, SORRY.
YOU KNOW, WE'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR,
LIKE, OVER A MINUTE NOW,
AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN DONE ANYTHING.
I'VE GOTTEN MORE ACTION FROM DINA SEGERSON
I CAN'T.
AND IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T WANT TO--
I DON'T MEAN THAT I-- I DO WANT TO.
IT'S JUST THAT EVEN IF I DID WANT TO, I COULDN'T.
WITH THAT KIND OF LOGIC, ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT A DEMOCRAT?
BESIDES, I'M ON A FAST.
MY... MY MOM AND I MADE A PACT,
A MAN-FAST?
MEANING?
NO MEN. YOU KNOW, TEMPORARILY.
WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE,
I'VE--I'VE WORN A LOT OF SHOES IN MY LIFE.
SO NOW IT'S JUST TIME TO FOCUS ON ME FOR A WHILE
AND GO BAREFOOT.
OKAY.
BUT... HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING?
YOU MEAN HYPOTHETICALLY IF I DIDN'T WORK FOR YOU?
HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING, OF COURSE.
YOU'D BE THE FIRST PAIR I'D TRY ON.
♪ SO I CAN TASTE THE MORNING AIR ♪
(Sarah) I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I'M OUT OF COMMISSION FOR EIGHT HOURS,
AND THE PARTY TURNS INTO A MEDIEVAL CIRCUS.
YEAH, WELL, YOU ORDERED THIS MEDIEVAL CIRCUS,
WHICH HAPPENS TO BE THE MOST EXPENSIVE PACKAGE.
NO, I-I ORDERED THE MED--
THE MID-- THE MID-LEVEL.
OH, MY GOD.
OH, MOM, I AM SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR PARTY.
SWEETIE, NO ONE REALLY SAW ANYTHING.
WHAT?
UH, UH, UH, THE THEME.
RIGHT.
THE THEME IS SO FESTIVE.
IT'S SO FESTIVE.
(mouths words)
AND WHERE'S ALL THE WINE?
I MEAN, ISN'T THAT ALL THEY DID IN THE MIDDLE AGES, DRINK WINE?
AND WHAT'S WITH ALL THE STATE TROOPERS?
SENATOR.
AND WE HAD TO PROMISE NO WINE
OUT OF WHERE?
(Nora) MOTHER...
JUSTIN IS IN A REHAB PROGRAM. HE'S A DRUG ADDICT.
OH, MOM, A LITTLE MORE DISCRETION.
WELL, IT'S NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED OF.
OH, BUT HOMOSEXUALITY IS?
(Kitty) OH, KEVIN, YOU KNOW, PLEASE, ENOUGH.
CAN YOU JUST PLEASE TELL HIM THAT YOU HAVE
WHO'S GAY?
I THINK YOU JUST OUTED TWO BROTHERS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE.
THANKS, KITTY. THAT WOULD BE ME, GRANDMA. I'M GAY.
OH, YOU'RE NOT GAY.
JUSTIN, MAYBE. BUT YOU--
OH, I-I-I-I AM, UH, GAY. I SWEAR. I AM.
OH, MOTHER, STOP ACTING SO HORRIFIED.
YOU ARE LOVING EVERY SECOND OF THIS.
PIETRO, DO THAT PICK UP?
WHY IS EVERYBODY IN THE KITCHEN, HUH?
WELL, HARDLY.
JUSTIN IS AN ADDICT, KEVIN IS GAY,
AND--AND THIS ONE IS SHOOTING PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIES.
PORNOGRAPHIC WHAT?
THE SEX TAPE THAT YOU AND JOE SHOT,
IT ENDED UP ON MY VIDEO.
YEAH.
(all) YES, IT DID.
JOE.
JOE.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT THE TAPE?
HON, I WAS GONNA TELL YOU AFTER THE PARTY.
I DIDN'T TO RUIN YOUR PARTY HERE.
UH, WE WERE A TEAM.
IT'S NOT FUNNY!
WHAT ELSE DON'T I KNOW ABOUT THIS FAMILY?
MA, LET'S GO SIT DOWN, OKAY?
NO, NO, SAUL. SHE WANTS TO KNOW SO I'M GONNA TELL HER.
MOTHER, WILLIAM CHEATED ON ME.
YES! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR?
WILLIAM HAD AN AFFAIR WITH ANOTHER WOMAN
FOR ALMOST HALF MY MARRIAGE-- AND NOT ONLY THAT, HOLD ON--
HE WAS AN EMBEZZLER.
AS IT TURNS OUT, A VERY SUCCESSFUL EMBEZZLER,
BUT AN EMBEZZLER NONETHELESS.
SO IT TURNS OUT YOU WERE RIGHT. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?
OF COURSE I'M NOT HAPPY.
I'M NOT SURPRISED, BUT I'M NOT HAPPY.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, MOM.
THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT. LET'S GO. THAT'S ENOUGH.
I'M TAKING YOU TO MY HOUSE,
WELL, WHAT DID I DO?
IT'S NORA'S BIRTHDAY, MOM.
SHE'S HAD A TERRIBLE YEAR,
AND YOU HAVEN'T BEEN NICE TO HER SINCE YOU GOT HERE.
I'M SORRY I INVITED YOU. I REALLY AM.
I HAVE NEVER... UNDERSTOOD THIS FAMILY.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU NEVER EVEN TRIED.
WOW.
OH!
MOM--
NO, NORA. IT'S--IT'S OKAY.
THAT WAS SOME SERIOUS FAMILY DRAMA.
I THINK YOU FINALLY DROVE OFF McCALLISTER
GOOD.
OH, WHATEVER.
AT LEAST YOUR *** WEREN'T PLASTERED ALL OVER A PLASMA.
DON'T LAUGH. IT'S NOT FUNNY.
I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU PEOPLE ANYMORE.
YEAH. BOLD CHOICE WITH THE COUCH.
HAVE YOU BEEN DOING YOGA?
OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW SHE'S NICE TO US,
CAN YOU IMAGINE HAVING THAT AS YOUR PARENT?
YOU GOTTA HAND IT TO HER.
YEAH.
TO MOM.
TO MOM.
JUSTIN.
WOW. AND I'M THE ONE IN REHAB.
UH, WHERE--WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
NOT BEEN DRINKING, UNLIKE YOU DRUNK ***.
WAIT, COME IN. SHUT THE DOOR.
IT'S LIKE A SPEAKEASY IN HERE.
WE WERE JUST--
JUST GETTING WASTED. RELAX. I'M NOT GONNA GROUND YOU.
SO, UH, HOW'D IT GO WITH TYLER?
OH.
TO TYLER!
(Tommy and Kevin laugh)
MOTHER, STOP IT. NOW STOP PACKING.
STOP IT.
YOU... ARE... NOT GOING ANYWHERE TONIGHT.
I KNOW YOU NEVER LIKED HIM-- WILLIAM.
WHAT--WHAT WAS IT YOU ALWAYS CALLED HIM,
THE--THE CHARMER, THE--THE...
THE OPERATOR.
YES, THE OPERATOR.
YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO GET HURT.
YOU WERE BEING MY MOTHER.
WHEN I THINK OF SOMEBODY HURTING MY KIDS...
BUT, MOTHER, LISTEN TO ME.
GROWN-UP KIDS MAKE BIG OLD GROWN-UP MISTAKES.
AND YOU WERE RIGHT, WEREN'T YOU?
(sighs)
I'VE TRIED TO IMAGINE WHY HE NEEDED SOMEBODY ELSE.
I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER UNDERSTAND IT.
BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW, MOTHER,
WE HAD A GOOD MARRIAGE.
YOU DO?
YOUR FATHER...
SPENT ALL OF HIS LIFE IN THE OFFICE.
OR AT LEAST, THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.
IN ANY CASE, IT WAS HARDLY A GREAT MARRIAGE.
NOT EVEN A GOOD ONE.
AND WHEN I LOOKED AT YOURS,
I COULD SEE THE DIFFERENCE.
THERE WERE TIMES WHEN I-- I ALMOST LEFT.
WHY DIDN'T YOU?
YOU AND SAUL.
AND...
I DIDN'T WANT TO BE ALONE.
I REALIZE NOW THAT I AM ANYWAY.
♪♪♪
NOW, NORA, I WANTED TO COME TO WILLIAM'S FUNERAL.
I THOUGHT THAT SINCE I'D SAID
SO MANY TERRIBLE THINGS ABOUT HIM
YOU WOULDN'T WANT ME THERE.
SO I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE CRUISE BECAUSE I WANTED TO GIVE YOU
AN EASY WAY FOR YOU TO SAY "DON'T COME."
OH, MOTHER.
OH, MOTHER.
I SHOULD'VE INSISTED THAT YOU COME.
I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE CARE OF YOU THAT DAY.
I WANTED SOMEBODY TO TAKE CARE OF ME.
(woman) ♪ SHOWING YOU... ♪
HERE.
I DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE TO GO SHOPPING.
I GOT THAT--THAT FRAME
THROUGH ONE OF THOSE CATALOGS.
♪ THE PLACE I LIVE... ♪
(Ida) THAT'S YOU.
(chuckles)
THAT'S THE OLDEST PICTURE I COULD FIND.
YOU WERE SO BEAUTIFUL...
EVEN AS AN INFANT.
THERE WASN'T A DAY I DIDN'T HEAR SOMEONE SAY
YOU LOOKED LIKE A SEARS, ROEBUCK DOLL.
♪ I DIDN'T KNOW... ♪
THANKS, MOM.
♪ THAT I WAS BLESSED... ♪
NOW IF YOU DON'T MIND,
YEAH.
I DON'T FEEL LIKE GOING BACK TO THAT PARTY.
ALL RIGHT.
IF THERE'S CAKE, DO YOU WANT ME TO COME GET YOU?
MM. NOT SO MUCH.
ALL RIGHT.
♪ MY HAPPINESS... ♪
NORA, YOU MUST'VE DONE SOMETHING RIGHT.
YOU'VE GOT A HOUSE FULL OF CHILDREN.
IF I DIDN'T CALL SAUL ON SUNDAYS,
I DON'T THINK I WOULD EVER HEAR FROM EITHER ONE OF YOU.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
♪ IT'S WEIRD TO BE LIVING ♪
♪ WITH A SHIFT IN MY AWARENESS ♪
I'M GLAD YOU CAME, MOM.
♪ AND NO HOT TEARS TO CRY ♪
♪ OOH ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ I DIDN'T KNOW ♪
♪ THAT I WAS LUCKY ♪
♪ NO, I DIDN'T KNOW ♪
♪ THAT I WAS BLESSED ♪
♪ LUCKY ENOUGH TO FIND THIS ♪
♪♪♪
OH, WOW.
YOU MADE COFFEE.
I WAS HOPING TO TAKE YOU TO JINKY'S FOR BREAKFAST.
OH, IT'S MUCH COZIER HERE. DON'T YOU THINK?
MM-HMM. OH, THANK YOU.
IF YOU'RE HUNGRY, I HAVE SOME LEFTOVER BIRTHDAY CAKE.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT. HOW WAS THE PARTY?
I NEVER ASKED.
(sighs) IT WAS INSANE.
IT WAS KINDA LIKE THIS HUGE FAMILY MELTDOWN,
ONLY REALLY FUN.
OH, SENATOR McCALLISTER WAS THERE.
NO.
YEAH, I KNOW.
HE CRUISED ME ONCE AT THE GYM.
IT MUST BE ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO WORK OUT.
(cell phone rings)
HANG ON A SECOND.
(ring)
HEY.
AH, JUST AT SOME FRIEND'S HOUSE.
YEAH, I'D LOVE TO SHOOT SOME HOOPS LATER.
I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL? RIGHT ON.
(closes cell phone)
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
WELL, OF COURSE.
THAT'S WHERE YOU ARE NOW... SOME FRIEND'S HOUSE.
NO, I KNOW.
IT'S JUST, I'M--I'M NOT USED TO BEING THIS GUY, YOU KNOW?
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN THE ONE WITH INTIMACY ISSUES.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN THE ONE FEELING BAD
'CAUSE I'VE LET SOMEONE DOWN.
♪♪♪
COME ON, LET'S GO TO JINKY'S.
REALLY?
♪♪♪
WOW. BREAKFAST IN THE OUTSIDE WORLD?
GEE, I'M THE LUCKIEST GUY IN TOWN.
DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME.
COME ON. LET ME LOOK IN MY CLOSET.
MAYBE I CAN FIND YOU A LITTLE DISGUISE.
OH, GOD.
BRO, YOU OKAY?
(strained voice) OKAY, FIRST THING, LET'S--
LET'S RETIRE "BRO" FROM THE BEDROOM.
AND SECOND-- OH, EXCUSE ME.
(coughs and gags)
(Nora) TOMMY, JUST COME HERE.
THE LAST THING IN THE WORLD YOU WANT TO DO
IS GET JULIA AND THE FETUS SICK.
ALL RIGHT, "BABY." WHATEVER. JUST COME HERE.
OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU SOON. TOMMY'S GOT IT, TOO.
HOW'S YOUR SISTER?
OH, SHE'S NOT MOVING. (clears throat)
WE ALL SPENT TOO MUCH TIME IN THE CLOSET.
HOW DO YOU FEEL?
BETTER... NOW THAT YOUR GRANDMOTHER
IS ON HER WAY TO THE AIRPORT.
OH, YEAH. WE'VE ALL DECIDED WE--WE ALL FEEL TERRIBLE
ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD.
WELL, THAT'S A REVERSAL.
I JUST... HOPE I'M NOT LIKE HER.
BUT I THINK I AM A LITTLE LIKE HER.
I MEAN, I'M OPINIONATED LIKE HER AND STUBBORN,
AND SHE SAYS WHATEVER THE HELL COMES TO HER MIND LIKE--
YEAH, NOT SUCH A BAD ROLE MODEL FOR A GIRL IN THE '50s,
OR A GAY MAN NOW.
GENETICS-- VERY STRONG THING.
YOU LOOK AWFUL.
THANK YOU, IDA.
MORNING.
YEP.
OH.
MWAH. SHE'S HEADED BACK TO THE DESERT
OH, DON'T.
SAUL!
YUM, YUM, YUM, YUM. (laughs)
OH, HONEY.
I'LL BRING YOU SOME TEA WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED.
I SHOULD BE WEARING A MASK.
SAUL...
THANK YOU FOR LAST NIGHT
AND EVERYTHING WITH MOTHER.
YOU HAVEN'T DONE THAT SINCE...
RIGHT AFTER MY SEVENTH GRADE CHRISTMAS RECITAL.
REMEMBER?
YEAH. SHE SAID YOU COULDN'T SING.
RIGHT.
YOU'RE A GOOD BIG BROTHER, THEN AND NOW.
I COULDN'T PICK A BETTER PERSON TO KNOW
FOR EVERY CHAPTER OF MY LIFE.
WE BOTH LUCKED OUT.
HERE.
OKAY.
YOU HAVE TO RINSE THOSE
BEFORE YOU PUT 'EM IN THE DISHWASHER.
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY.
FINE.
I'LL WASH 'EM AGAIN LATER. JUST GO AHEAD.
OH, MY...
(dbClifford's "Simple Things" playing)
OKAY.
HOW IS EVERYBODY DOING?
THIS IS ALL SARAH'S FAULT.
IS THIS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN PEOPLE HAVE KIDS?
THEY SPREAD DISEASE?
TOMMY, YOU'RE BUILDING YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM.
IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.
NOW I'VE GOT SALTINE CRACKERS, I'VE GOT GINGER ALE,
OH, GOD. (coughs)
OH, THOMAS, BE NICE.
MOTHER, YOU'RE REALLY ENJOYING THIS, AREN'T YOU?
NO. NO.
(doorbell rings)
DOORBELL.
HARE KRISHNAS.
♪ CHOCOLATE CAKE... ♪
NORA... I COME BEARING SOUP.
WHY, SENATOR, THAT'S SO SWEET OF YOU,
AND UN-SENATORIAL.
WELL, UH, THE HOUSE WAS SMACK BETWEEN SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS.
REALLY, WHERE?
SAN DIEGO AND SAN FRANCISCO.
SO I STOPPED AT FEINBERG'S
AND I GOT YOU 2 GALLONS AND BAGEL CHIPS.
KITTY'S UPSTAIRS.
OH, OKAY. UH, TELL HER THAT LAST NIGHT WAS
THE PERFECT DOSE OF FAMILY,
AND THAT I REALLY NEEDED IT.
WELL, THANK YOU FOR THE SOUP AND FOR PIETRO.
YES.
PLEASE TELL KITTY TO LET ME KNOW
WHEN SHE'S READY TO GO SHOE SHOPPING AGAIN.
MY, YOU ARE A FRIENDLY BOSS.
YES, I-I CERTAINLY WILL DO THAT, SENATOR.
AND NOW PLEASE GO FUMIGATE YOURSELF.
(laughs) GOOD TO SEE YOU.
BYE.
♪ ...CHOCOLATE CAKE AND LEMON PIE ♪
♪ I NEED ALL THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME SMILE ♪
♪ I WANT RAIN, AND I WANT SUNSHINE ♪
♪ I WANT... ♪
HE BROUGHT SOUP.
OH, BIG WHOOP. MAYBE HE COULD USE IT AS HIS NEXT CAMPAIGN.
"VOTE FOR ME-- GET SOUP."
OH.
♪ I NEED THE SIMPLE THINGS... ♪
OOH, CHICKEN NOODLE. SWEET.
OH, YOU'RE SUCH A HYPOCRITE, KEVIN.
LOOK, JUST 'CAUSE I'M EATING IT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO LIKE HIM.
ALL RIGHT, YOU KIDS JUST EAT YOUR SOUP, REALLY SLOWLY.
A CHIP?
♪ OH ♪
I WANT A CHIP.
♪ FOR OUR RIGHT TO A BETTER WORLD ♪
♪ AND I KNOW IT'S ALL BEEN SAID BEFORE ♪