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Fathers. Nobody seems to know what to do with these guys.
They wander around the house, nobody really knows how to operate them.
Wouldn't it be great if there was some sort of guide?
Yeah, a guide to the family dad.
[Jerry:] Good morning class. [Kids:] Good morning Mr. Seinfeld.
[Jerry:] Alright, continuing now with the guide to the family dad,
you are are responsible for these new "Dad Terms". They go in your
"Dad Term to Kid Meaning" glossary.
[Jerry:] Alright, now one of the most important things to know about
dad ownership is that dads feel that they know enough about the world
to start their own civilization. That's what the family is to them.
The fathers think, to hell with life, I can invent my own people,
my own rules for fashion, my own health and diet.
Have you ever had your father stick a big jar of high test super cheap
horseradish under your nose?
[Kids:] Eww!
[Jerry:] Then he says this cleans the system out right down the line.
They believe in this rotor rooter. Probably the trickiest part of dad ownership
is gift giving. Does anyone have a suggestion? Yes.
[Boy:] How about one of those executive decision makers? Like the eight ball?
[Jerry:] Fine and you know what you'll get for your birthday? Robitussin. Someone else.
Yes.
[Girl:] Monogrammed shirt?
[Jerry:] Honey I know it's his shirt. He knows it's his shirt.
Who else needs to know who's shirt it is? Someone else?
[Boy:] Oh, Oh, Oh! [Jerry:] Yes.
[Boy:] I know, how about a tie? [Jerry:] Out.
[Boy:] But. [Jerry:] Get out.
I don't believe I stand up here and talk till I'm blue in the face
and I have to deal... You belong in "Intro to Dads",
that's Room 101 down the hall.
[Boy:] I'll be back.
[Jerry:] Oh I see we got the family trip simulator in today.
I believe Tommy Weiman practiced on it earlier if you'd like to give us a little demonstration.
Tommy. Alright. First thing, get that seatbelt off, you can't possibly
annoy your sister strapped in like that. We're in heavy traffic on a Sunday afternoon.
It's hot, you're antsy, you're moving around. Oh! Nice move to the floor of the car.
And that teasing is paying off, your sister is starting to cry
that means good points. He's looking in the rear view mirror,
uh oh, nice move with the comic book. You see that, he protected himself
with the book. You're almost in the bonus round, if you can just move
the radio off his favorite station. Uh oh, he's had it with you crazy kids
he's pulling over, he'll have both hands free in five seconds. Get out of the car,
you're in serious trouble, get out of the car. Nice going.
Good scores on agility and aggravation. But saving this slinky was risky
and could have jeopardized the entire mission. I'm sorry to have to be so rough on you kids.
But remember, a dad is not just a job, it's an adventure. Dad salute.
[All:] Ahhhh.
[Jerry:] Dismissed. Those are very special kids.
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