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Hello, and welcome to Munich for the 27th Silly Olympiad...
...an event held, traditionally, every 3.7 years...
...which this year has competitors...
...from over 4 million different countries.
We are at the start of the first event of the afternoon...
...the second semifinal of the 100 yards...
...for people with no sense of direction. The competitors:
Lane one, Skolomovski of Poland. Two, Zatapatique of France.
Three, Gropovich of United States. Next to him, Drabble of Trinidad.
Next to him, Fernandez of Spain, and in the outside lane, Bormann of Brazil.
Get set.
Well, that was fun, wasn't it?
And now, over to the other end of the stadium.
Here we're just waiting for the start of the 1 500 meters for the deaf.
And they're under starter's orders.
We'll be back the moment there's action. Now, over to the swimming.
And you join us here at the Bundesabsurd pool...
...in time to see the start of the 200 meters freestyle for non-swimmers.
Watch for top Australian champion, Ron Barnett, in the second lane.
We'll be bringing you back here the moment they fish the corpses out.
And now, over to international philosophy.
Welcome to a packed Olympic Stadium, MÜnchen...
...for the second leg of this exciting final.
And here come the Germans now, Ied by their skipper, ''Nobby'' Hegel.
They must start favorites this afternoon.
They've attracted attention from the press with their team problems.
And let's now see their lineup.
The Germans playing 4-2-4, Leibniz in goal.
Back four, Kant, Hegel, Schopenhauer and Schelling.
Front runners, Schlegel, Wittgenstein, Nietsche and Heidegger...
...and the midfield duo of Beckenbauer and Jaspers.
Beckenbauer, obviously, a bit of a surprise there.
And here come the Greeks, led out by their veteran center half, Heraclitus.
Let's look at their team. As you'd expect, it's a defensive lineup.
Plato's in goal, Socrates, a front runner there...
...and Aristotle as sweeper, very much the man in form.
One surprise is the inclusion of Archimedes.
Well, here comes the referee, K'ung fu-Tzu, Confucius...
...and his two linesmen, St. Augustine and St. Thomas Aquinas.
And as the two skippers come together to shake hands...
...we're ready for the start of this final.
The referee, Mr. Confucius, checks his sand, and they're off.
Weitzche and Hegel there.
Karl Jaspers, seven on the outside.
Wittgenstein there with him.
There's Beckenbauer.
Schelling's in there. Heidegger covering.
Schopenhauer.
And now, it's the Greeks, Epicurus, Plotinus, number six.
Aristotle. Empedocles of Akragas and Democritus with him.
There's Archimedes, Socrates, there he is, Socrates.
Socrates there going through.
There's the ball, there's the ball.
And we'll be bringing you back to this exciting contest...
...the moment anything happens.
Now over to Hans Clegg for the start of the marathon for incontinents.
We've got an enormous entry for this event.
Forty-four competitors from 29 different countries...
...all of them with the most superbly weak bladders...
...not a tight sphincter in sight...
...ready to embark, nevertheless, on the world's longest race...
-...and they're just aching to go. -On your marks.
Get set.
And they're off, they're off. Oh, no.
Back at the 1500 meters, the starter is putting on a magnificent show.
We've had volleys, rapid bursts...
...scattered random fire, fusillades firing.
Well, and still he can't get the buggers moving.
lt's enough to make you chew your own foot ofl.
And now the high jump.
Katerina Ovelenskij for the Soviet Union.
And what a jump, what a jump! That's got to be a record.
Here we are at the 3000-meter steeplechase...
...for people who think they're chickens.
There's Samuelsson of the United States...
...and there is Klaus of East Germany.
He's been a Rhode Island Red for three Olympics.
The referee trying to get them going, but he's frightened them.
There is the leader, Abe Seagull of Canada.
Went om-- Got a good start...
...then settled down on the water jump and has now gone broody.
We're back with the marathon for incontinents.
There's Polinski of Poland in the lead.
Brewer of Australia has taken over. There's Laparche.
Brewer's overtaken him, but he's got to spend a penny.
There goes Brewer to spend a penny. There's König.
So now it's Alvarez of Cuba, followed by the plucky Worwegian, Bors.
They're in and out like yo-yos, these boys.
MacWaughton can't hold it. It's Machievich.
Machievich has taken a leak, can't hold it either.
Well, these must be some of the weakest bladders...
...ever to represent their countries.
We interrupt to take you right back to the international philosophy.
There's no score, but no lack of excitement.
As you can see, Nietzsche has been booked for arguing with the referee.
He accused Confucius of having no free will...
...and Confucius, he say, ''Name go in book.''
And this is Nietsche's third booking in four games.
And who's that? It's Karl Marx.
He's warming up and it looks as though...
...there's going to be a substitution on the German side.
Obviously, manager Martin Luther has decided on all-out attack.
lndeed, he must, with only two minutes of the match to go.
But who is he going to replace? Who's gonna come ofl?
lt could be Jaspers, Hegel, or Schopenhauer.
lt's Wittgenstein, who saw his auntie only last week.
Here's Marx. Let's see if he can put some life into this German attack.
Evidently not. What a shame.
Well, now, with just over a minute left...
...the replay on Tuesday looks vital.
And there's Archimedes, and l think he's had an idea.
Eureka!
Archimedes out to Socrates. Socrates back to Archimedes.
Archimedes out to Heraclitus. He beats Hegel.
Heraclitus with a flick. Here he comes on the far post.
Socrates is there. Socrates headed it in! The Greeks have scored!
The Greeks are going mad. The Greeks are going mad.
Socrates scores. Beautiful cross. The Germans are disputing it.
Hegel is arguing that reality...
...is merely an a priori adjunct of non-naturalistic ethics.
Kant, via the categorical imperative, is holding that ontologically it exists...
...only in the imagination. Marx is claiming it was offside.
But Confucius has answered them with the final whistle. It's all over.
Germany, having trounced England's famous midfield trio...
...of Bentham, Locke and Hobbes, have been beaten by the odd goal.
And let's see it again.
There it is. Socrates heads it in and Leibnitz doesn't have a chance.
And just look at those delighted Greeks.
There they are, ''Chopper'' Sophocles, Empedocles of Akragas.
What a game he had.
And Epicurus is there.
Socrates, who scored...
...what was probably the most important goal of his career.