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Hey, folks. You know what bothers me? When companies slap famous characters on things
they have no right being slapped on in order to boost sales.
I can kinda see how it's useful in some cases, like having Flintstones brand vitamins for
the kids, but when you put Sonic or Mario on some piece of crap game that wouldn't sell
otherwise, that is unforgivable.
Oh, and Mr. Clean. He bothers me, too.
Seriously, I can't look at that guy without feeling like I need ten chemical showers afterwards,
which I'll admit is pretty ironic.
So let's play a game which I am sure will be entirely unrelated to the rant that I have
just gone on. A game in which the main character is there because he deserves to be there because
it would make sense for him to be there and not a game where the character is slapped
on in order to sell a D-Grade puzzle game.
It's Panic Dizzy! Released in 1990 by Codemasters, oh and Big Red software, too! They did Wild
West Seymour! That means this game has to be good and I couldn't possibly be setting
up a sarcastic, massive disappointment gag.
This is Dizzy's seventh game. It's the fourth that isn't a puzzly platformy adventure game
and, before we take a look at the gameplay, I want you to bear something in mind: Crash
magazine awarded this game 80%
An adult, male human sat down and played what you are about to see and decided that it was
good enough to warrant a massive 80%
Okay, you ready? Let's do this thing!
So this time Dizzy is in a...a factory, apparently. Because a huge mechanical factory is definitely
suited to a swords and sorcery style fantasy world.
Dizzy is surrounded by four funnels, which continuously churn out shapes. He is also
in control of a conveyor belt, which is filled with specific shaped holes, and you...
[YAWN] you have to...line up the shapes with the
holes and...
HM!? Oh. I'm awake. Yeah.
Anyway, you remember that toy that wasn't fun when you were a kid where you have to
put the square peg in the square hole and the round peg in the round hole?
Yeah, what we have here is that. In video game form. And it just goes on and on.
I mean, the funnels get lower as the game progresses, giving you less reaction time
for each of the TWO SHAPES and they eventually reach the bottom then it's game over. Is there
a way of winning? Noooooooooooooooo.
Now at this point I imagine you can see why they chose to put Dizzy on this thing, because
there is no way in hell they would sell this game if they left it on its own.
And I can see why companies do it. Really, I can. It's why I'm playing Dizzy games instead
of Zampabolas, but this is retardediculous.
You trying to tell me that at no point during the games development NOBODY said "Hang on
a minute, this is awful." Apparently so, because this game got released. At FULL PRICE no less!
Which, granted, was about seven pounds back in the day, but it's still pretty outrageous.
80% huh? 80%
I honestly, honestly cannot let that one slide, what the hell part of this game deserves 80%?
It was the 90's, it was time for Klax! People were making fantastic games for the
CPC and Big Red software decides to demeans themselves by churning out something that
- that even AMSOFT would reject! And they get 80% for it!
Was the guy who reviewed it also the chief programmer? Did the Oliver twins pay him to
shill for them? Have I been right all these years in my assertion that Codemasters is
SOMEHOW linked to the mafia and the reviewer knew that if he didn't make the game sound
enjoyable he'd wake up with an eggshell in his bed because he caused bad sales? Yeah,
think about it, THINK about it!
Ordinarily I wouldn't still be playing this game.
You know, I once willingly sorted paper clips for a living and THIS game makes me go "Man
this is dull" but I suffered through this as a kid and now you are going to suffer through
it with me.
Don't worry, it'll be over soon.
["KIRBY DIED" jingle]
FINALLY!