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>>> CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING ELSE, MR. PRESIDENT?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WELL, UH, NO, NO, I'M FINE.
THANK YOU, JEREMY.
>> GOOD NIGHT, MR. PRESIDENT, AND CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN.
THAT WAS VERY MOVING HAVING YOUR INAUGURATION FALL ON
MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY.
>> YES, THAT WAS, THAT WAS PRETTY FAIR.
[ LAUGHTER ] SO FOUR MORE YEARS.
[ CLOCK CHIMES ]
♪♪
>> BARACK!
BARACK OBAMA!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> IT IS I, THE MARTIN LUTHER KING JUNIOR AND I HAVE COME TO
VISIT WITH YOU ON THE NIGHT OF THIS HISTORIC INAUGURATION.
>> THIS IS INCREDIBLE.
THERE IS SO MUCH I WANT TO DISCUSS WITH YOU.
>> AND I WITH YOU, BARACK.
>> SO TELL ME, DR. KING, HAVE I LIVED UP TO THE PROMISE OF YOUR
LEGACY?
ARE WE ON THE RIGHT TRACK AS A NATION?
>> OH, WE'LL GET TO ALL OF THAT, BARACK.
WE'LL GET TO THAT.
BUT, FIRST THINGS FIRST, DID YOU -- DID YOU SEE THAT GIRL,
BEYONCE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> EXCUSE ME?
>> THAT GIRL, BEYONCE.
DID YOU SEE HER UP THERE?
'CAUSE I WAS LIKE "WHAT?" [ LAUGHTER ]
>> WELL, BEYONCE.
WELL YES, SHE IS A VERY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
>> BEAUTIFUL?
RAQUEL WELCH WAS BEAUTIFUL.
BEYONCE IS LIKE "DAMN." [ LAUGHTER ]
I HAD TO KEEP PINCHING MYSELF.
I THOUGHT I WAS HAVING ANOTHER ONE OF MY FAMOUS DREAMS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> DR. KING, COME ON.
I MEAN, SHE WAS THERE TO SING OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM.
>> WAS SHE, THOUGH?
"ACCESS HOLLYWOOD" BEGS TO DIFFER.
>> "ACCESS HOLLYWOOD?"
>> YEAH, THEY SAID SHE WAS LIP SYNCHING.
AND I WAS LIKE "I CARE WHY?
HASHTAG, JAY-Z IS ONE LUCKY MAN."
>> CAN WE PLEASE DISCUSS MORE IMPORTANT ISSUES?
THERE ARE VERY REAL CHANGES FACING THIS NATION.
>> SPEAKING OF CHANGE, WHAT'S UP WITH MICHELLE'S BANGS?
>> I AM SORRY?
>> HER BANGS.
WHAT, GUEST STARRING ON THE NEW GIRL?
WHEN SHE FINALLY GETS THOSE BANGS CUT, SHE IS GOING TO BE
LIKE I CAN SEE AT LAST, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, I CAN SEE AT LAST.
>> DOCTOR KING, COME ON.
>> COME ON.
>> I'M JUST JOKING AROUND.
I'M JUST JOKING AROUND.
[ LAUGHTER ] CAN'T WE JUST BE TWO GUYS
TALKING REAL FOR A SECOND?
WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SERIOUS AND STATELY FOR ALL OF
ETERNITY?
AND BESIDES, TODAY IS MY DAY OFF.
YOU GET IT?
MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ DOOR KNOCKS ]
>> MR. PRESIDENT, IS EVERYTHING OKAY IN HERE.
I HEARD VOICES.
>> YEP, JUST THINKING OUT LOUD.
HIM?
JUST BE LIKE "I'M THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT.
SHUT THE HELL UP AND GO TO SLEEP."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> DR. KING, DO YOU HAVE ANY SERIOUS ADVICE FOR ME?
>> OH YES, I DO, YES, I DO.
YOU'RE DOING A GOOD JOB, BARACK.
I'M PROUD OF YOU.
THERE IS STILL WORK TO DO.
YOU'RE THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT BUT WE'RE STILL WAITING FOR OUR
FIRST BLACK MAGICIAN.
THERE HASN'T BEEN A BLACK KING OF ENGLAND AND IT IS 2013 AND
STILL NOT A SINGLE BLACK CHILD IN THE BAND ONE DIRECTION.
>> I MEAN, DO YOU THINK THERE ARE ANY THAT WANT TO BE?
>> PROBABLY NOT, PROBABLY NOT.
BUT TONIGHT, ENJOY YOURSELF.
YOU HAVE EARNED IT.
>> THANK YOU, DR. KING.
>> YOU'RE WELCOME.
IF YOU EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO VISIT CORNELL WEST AND TELL HIM
THAT TAKE IT DOWN ABOUT 30 NOTCHES.
YOU WANT TO DO THIS TOGETHER?
>> IT IS NOT EVERY DAY THEY LET A BLACK GHOST OPEN THE SHOW.
>> LET'S DO IT.
>> LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE!"
WITH FRED ARMISEN VANESSA BAYER
BILL HADER TARAN KILLAM
SETH MEYERS BOBBY MOYNIHAN
NASIM PEDRAD JAY PHAROAH
JASON SUDEIKIS KENAN THOMPSON
FEATURING AIDY BRYANT KATE McKINNON
TIM ROBINSON CECILY STRONG
MUSICAL GUEST -- KENDRICK LAMAR.
AND YOUR HOST -- ADAM LEVINE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ADAM LEVINE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WOW.
WHAT A TREMENDOUS HONOR.
WOW.
HONOR TO BE HERE HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
>> I HAVE BEEN HERE WITH MY BAND MAROON 5 BEFORE,
THIS TIME, IT IS JUST ME.
AND BECAUSE LIKE ALL SUCCESSFUL SINGERS -- THANK YOU -- LIKE ALL
SUCCESSFUL SINGERS, I KNEW IT WOULD ONLY BE A MATTER OF TIME
BEFORE I WOULD OVERREACH AND TRY ACTING.
ALSO, I HAVE BEEN A COACH ON "THE VOICE" FOR THE LAST FEW
YEARS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] SO I HOPE YOU'LL BE AS
HOPE YOU DON'T JUDGE ME TOO HARSHLY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] SANDBERG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE?
>> I COULD ASK MYSELF THE SAME QUESTION.
>> WHAT?
>> THAT WAS AS THEY SAY, A JOKE.
AND IT'S ONE OF LITERALLY TENS OF JOKES I COULD TEACH YOU IF
YOU JOIN MY TEAM.
>> WAIT A SECOND, ANDY, YOU WANT TO COACH ME?
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU NEED MY WISDOM.
AFTER ALL, I WAS IN OVER 100 DIGITAL SHORTS AS WELL AS
THREE LIVE SKETCHES.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND I HAVE DEALT WITH MY FAIR
SHARE OF SINGERS-TURNED-ACTORS.
TIMBERLAKE, WHATEVER.
WE GET IT, WE GET IT.
THE POINT IS, LET ME COACH YOU.
WE BOTH HAVE SLEPT WITH BETWEEN TWO AND 500 WOMEN.
AND WE HAVE ANGELIC SINGING VOICES.
♪ THIS FORM IS AS GOOD AS YOURS, OH YEAH ♪
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I REST MY CASE.
>> DON'T CLAP FOR THAT.
THAT WAS TERRIBLE.
I GUESS, ANDY, IF YOU THINK YOU CAN HELP ME --
>> NOT SO FAST.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> CAMERON?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> OH, YEAH, I AM HIGH ENERGY, AND I LOVE EVERYTHING AND I
NEVER PUT MY HANDS DOWN.
WOO!
>> WOW, SO YOU WANT TO COACH ME?
>> THAT'S RIGHT, ADAM, AND IF YOU WANT TO SUCCEED IN COMEDY,
YOU HAVE TO CHECK YOUR PRIDE AT THE DOOR.
YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO FALL DOWN.
YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO SHAKE YOUR BUTT.
YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO TAKE A HANDFUL OF BEN STILLER'S AND PUT
IT RIGHT IN YOUR HAIR AND SPIKE IT LIKE A MOHAWK.
>> REALLY?
>> HEY, WE'VE ALL DONE IT.
WHEN DID YOU DO IT?
>> YEAH, I WAS JUST SAYING STUFF.
>> LOOK ADAM, I'VE HOSTED BEFORE, SO TRUST ME.
THE FIRST THING THAT YOU SHOULD DO AS A HOST IS TAKE YOUR SHIRT
OFF.
>> WHAT?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> YOUR SHIRT, TAKE IT OFF.
>> WAIT.
WHEN YOU HOSTED, DID YOU TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF?
>> LOOK, WHAT HAPPENS OFF CAMERA IS NOT IMPORTANT, OKAY?
[ LAUGHTER ] THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT YOU
LOSE THE SHIRT.
>> YES, I WOULD ALSO SUGGEST LOSING THE SHIRT.
[ LAUGHTER ] STRICTLY FROM A COMEDY
STANDPOINT.
>> GUYS, EVERYONE CALM DOWN, ESPECIALLY SANDBERG, CALM DOWN.
I AM NOT TAKING MY SHIRT OFF.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
HE IS NOT TAKING HIS SHIRT OFF.
>> JERRY SEINFELD, WOW.
>> HELLO, ADAM.
>> WAIT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU WANT TO HELP ME HOST?
>> THAT'S RIGHT, ADAM, BECAUSE I'M
I SHOULD YOUR COACH.
I GET YOU, APPEALING, NOT JEWISH AS YOUR NAME.
I KNOW THE RACKET INSIDE AND OUT.
I SPENT NINE YEARS ON THIS NETWORK THREADING THAT NEEDLE
AND I HAD TO WORK HARD AT IT.
I DIDN'T HAVE AN INTERESTING LOOK LIKE SOME PEOPLE.
WAIT, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
>> FAIR.
>> PLEASE, ADAM, WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR COMEDY, BE SMART, BE
CLEVER, BE ONE STEP AHEAD OF THE AUDIENCE.
THAT'S WHERE YOU USE YOUR JEWISHNESS.
[ LAUGHTER ] NEVER RUB THEIR NOSE IN IT.
HOW YOU'RE ONE STEP AHEAD OF THEM.
THAT GOES FOR ALL JEWS BY THE WAY.
BUT PLEASE, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU.
GREAT ADVICE.
GREAT ADVICE.
JERRY, THANK YOU.
WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
KENDRICK LAMAR IS HERE.
SO STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> SALUT, JE M'APPELLE AMANDA.
>> ME GUSTAN LOS CAMARONES.
>> ROSETTA STONE IS THE GOLD STANDARD IN LANGUAGE TRAINING.
IT'S FAST, EASY, AND IT'S YOUR KEY TO OPENING DOORS TO NEW
EXPERIENCES.
>> I'M LEARNING RUSSIAN SO I CAN TRADE RECIPES WITH MY BABUSHKA.
>> I'M LEARNING SPANISH SO I CAN COMMUNICATE BETTER WITH MY
CO-WORKERS.
>> I'M LEARNING THAI SO I CAN GO TO THAILAND FOR -- A THING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'M ALSO LEARNING THAI -- FOR BUSINESS.
>> I'M LEARNING GERMAN SO THAT I CAN PRETEND THAT I'M GERMAN
WHILE IN THAILAND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'M LEARNING THAI TO MEET NEW PEOPLE.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> WITH ROSETTA STONE, YOU CAN LEARN AT YOUR OWN PACE IN THE
PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME.
>> ROSETTA STONE TEACHES YOU LANGUAGE THE WAY YOU LEARN
NATURALLY, THROUGH CONVERSATIONS.
>> WITH ROSETTA STONE THAI, YOU CAN LEARN GREAT CONVERSATIONAL
PHRASES LIKE HOW MUCH?
IS THAT FOR THE WHOLE NIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER ] OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?
[ LAUGHTER ] AND PING PONG BALL.
SO ORDER ROSETTA STONE TODAY AND GET READY TO PACK YOUR BAGS.
BECAUSE SOON YOU, TOO, WILL BE SAYING --
>> HOLA.
>> BONJOUR.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> YOU'RE WATCHING THE GAY NETWORK.
AT 10 IT'S "PICTURES OF ATTRACTIVE GUYS" BUT FIRST IT'S
"CIRCLE WORK WITH TRACY ALL-STAR AND TODD ANTHONY."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HELLO, AND WHAT A DAY.
RIGHT?
WELCOME TO OUR SHOW.
MY NAME IS TRACY ALL-STAR.
>> AND I AM TODD ANTHONY.
TAKE IT IN.
>> OH.
TODD ANTHONY, YOU ARE WEARING VERY SMALL PANTS TODAY.
I CAN SEE YOUR TESTIBALLS.
>> TRUCK.
>> WELCOME TO "CIRCLE WORKS."
>> IT IS A SHOW WHERE WE JUST SIT IN A CIRCLE AND WORK IT OUT.
KAY?
>> WE INVITE STRAIGHT PEOPLE TO SIT WITH US SO WE CAN SERVE UP
GAY SOLUTIONS TO THEIR STRAIGHT PROBLEMS.
>> DON'T GET IT TWISTED.
>> NOW BEFORE WE GET STARTED, LET'S CHECK IN WITH YOUR STAGE
MANAGER, MY BEST FRIEND FROM COMMUNITY COLLEGE, DEE.
>> HI, GUYS, DEE UP IN HERE.
>> I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I MADE YOU BANANA BREAD.
>> DEE, I THINK YOU GOT SOME SIGNALS MIXED UP.
FROM NOW ON WHEN YOU SLEEP OVER, YOU ARE WEARING YOUR UNDERWEAR.
I DON'T CARE HOW BIG THE T-SHIRT IS BECAUSE THE T-SHIRT ROLLED
UP.
>> YOU KNOW HOW THEY SAY IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING?
WELL, TRACY SAW SOMETHING AND HE GOT SCARED.
>> OKAY.
WE ARE GOING TO BRING OUT OUR FIRST GUEST.
TODD ANTHONY, WHY DON'T YOU DANCE WHILE THEY GET OUT HERE?
HERE COMES NATALIE DRISCOLL.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> GO, TODD, GO, TODD, GO TODD, GO TODD, TODD ANTHONY,
TODD ANTHONY, TODD ANTHONY, TODD ANTHONY.
>> SO WHAT IS YOUR STRAIGHT PERSON PROBLEM?
>> WELL, HOW CAN I PUT THIS?
MY HUSBAND WANTS SEX ALL THE TIME.
SEVEN DAYS A WEEK.
THERE IS NO BREAK.
HE IS ALWAYS ***.
I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO FINISH A SANDWICH.
IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?
>> UH, OKAY, I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
UM, YOUR HUSBAND IS GAY.
>> HE'S AS GAY AS PASTRY BAGS FILLED WITH LEMON CREAM.
MY HUSBAND IS NOT GAY.
HE IS ON ME ALL THE TIME.
>> ANY MALE WHO WANTS SEX THAT MUCH IS TRYING TO PROVE
SOMETHING TO HIS CO-WORKERS.
>> WE HAVE TWO CHILDREN TOGETHER.
>> OH YEAH, WHAT ARE YOUR BABY'S NAMES?
VAN *** AND GOATEE, BECAUSE THOSE BABIES ARE BEARDS.
>> THEY'RE DECOY BABIES.
IF BABIES COULD MAKE PEOPLE THINK HE DON'T LIKE THE ***.
>> TRUCK.
CASE CLOSED.
HE BETTER RECOGNIZE.
>> OKAY, I CAME HERE FOR SOME SENSITIVE SUPPORT ADVICE.
BUT YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY THE KIND OF GAYS THAT THINK EVERY MAN IS
GAY.
>> I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR SUPPOSITION.
THIS SHOW IS ONLY FOUR HOURS LONG.
SO, TAKE YOUR MAJOR DENIAL AND SCOOT ON OUT OF HERE.
>> TELL YOUR GAY HUSBAND HI FROM US.
>> NEXT UP IS DOUG LANDERS.
HE LIVES NEAR HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> TODD ANTHONY, TODD ANTHONY, TODD ANTHONY.
>> HI, GUYS.
HI, TRACY, TODD ANTHONY, THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME ON THE SHOW.
>> WELL, THANKS FOR WALKING OVER.
SO, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
>> WELL, I AM IN MY 30s, AND I KNOW I THOUGHT ABOUT SETTLING
DOWN AND BUT IT JUST SEEMS LIKE EVERY WOMAN I PURSUE IS
UNAVAILABLE.
>> HOW ABOUT DEE?
SHE'S AVAILABLE.
>> WELL, I MEAN NO OFFENSE.
BUT YOU KNOW, SHE IS NOT EXACTLY MY TYPE.
>> NOW, YOU JUST SAID THAT NO ONE IS AVAILABLE.
AND HERE I GIVE YOU AN AVAILABLE THING.
>> YEAH, THAT THING IS READY.
>> HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW IT?
>> KNOW WHAT?
>> BUTT.
>> YEAH.
YOU SAID YOU KNOW BUTT AS IN *** BUTT.
>> THERE ARE NO MISTAKES.
>> WHAT ARE YOU -- NO, I'M NOT GAY IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN.
>> YES, YOU ARE, YOU'RE AS GAY AS A GAY GOOSE IN A GAY GEESE
PRIDE PARADE.
>> WHAT?
>> OKAY, LET ME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU.
>> Y-O-U A-R-E G-A-Y A-S A G-A-Y --
>> YOU'RE GOING TO SPELL THE WHOLE THING?
>> G-O-O-S-E-A-C A G-A-Y
>> G-O--P-R-I-G-E-G- --
>> OKAY, HEY, HEY, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, I'M NOT GAY.
>> ARE YOU SURE?
>> YES.
>> SUPER SURE?
>> YES.
>> OH, MY GOD, I'M GAY.
>> THANKS TRACY AND TODD ANTHONY.
I'M GOING TO GO GET TO IT.
>> ALL RIGHT.
SORRY THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT, DEE, BUT HE WAS GAY.
>> THAT'S OKAY.
HE DIDN'T SEEM LIKE HE WOULD BE AS FUN AS YOU ANYWAY.
>> DEE, YOU NEED TO GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE.
NOW I HATE TO SAY THIS ON THE AIR BUT I NEED TO GO POOP.
I WILL BE BACK IN 45 MINUTES.
THERE WILL BE MORE CIRCLE WORK AFTER I RETURN.
YOU GUYS CAN BOWL WHILE I'M IN THE BATHROOM.
>> ALL RIGHT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> ON "THE CARRIE DIARIES," THE CW TAKES YOU BACK TO CARRIE
BRADSHAW'S HIGH SCHOOL DAYS AND NOW THEY'RE AT IT AGAIN WITH THE
SOPRANO'S DIARIES." IT'S TONY AND THE GANG LIKE
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE.
AS TEENAGERS IN THE 80's, AND THEIR DEALING WITH HIGH SCHOOL
JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.
>> HEY, DON'T.
>> HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
>> THEY'RE TOTALLY RAD.
>> THEY'RE RIDICULOUS.
TAKE A LOOK.
>> TAKE A CHILL PILL, TON.
>> I DON'T TAKE A CHILL PILL, YOU TAKE A CHILL PILL.
>> YOU TAKE OFF THE GLASSES, WILL YOU PAULEY.
>> I DON'T WANT TO.
>> TAKE OFF THE [ BLEEP ] GLASSES.
>> OH, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, GUYS, GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO
WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE IN THE HALLS.
AT LEAST TAKE IT UNDER CONSIDERATION.
♪♪
>> WHY DO YOU THINK YOU LOSE YOUR TEMPER SO OFTEN, ANTHONY?
>> DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE PRESSURE THAT I AM UNDER?
I GOT A SCIENCE PROJECT THAT'S TWO WEEKS LATE.
I'M FIVE CHAPTERS BEHIND IN "TALE OF TWO CITIES" AND I DON'T
HAVE A FREAKING DATE TO THE DANCE.
>> WATCH AS THE GUYS MEET NEW FRIENDS.
>> HEY TON, I WANT YOU TO MEET THE NEW KID.
>> HEY, I'M SALVATORE, YOU CAN CALL ME SAL.
>> I WILL CALL YOU BIG BUSHY.
>> YEAH, I LIKE THAT.
>> UH OH, TON.
>> WHAT?
>> YOUR SISTER.
>> I WANT SOME MONEY FOR THE SODA MACHINE.
>> WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE A [ BLEEP ] BANK?
>> YEAH, A FAT [ BLEEP ] PIGGY BANK.
>> I SHOULD WRING YOUR [ BLEEP ] THROAT.
JANET.
>> TV GUIDE SAYS THE TIMELINE IS DEFINITELY OFF.
I AM PRETTY SURE NONE OF THESE CHARACTERS WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL
IN THE '80s AND "ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY" ASKS IS IT POSSIBLE THEY
JUST SAW COSTUMES FROM THE "CARRIE DIARIES" LYING AROUND
AND THOUGHT SHOULD WE JUST DO ANOTHER ONE WHILE ALL THIS STUFF
IS HERE?
>> DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS NEW "STAR WARS" MOVIE, IT'S "RETURN
OF THE JEDI."
>> WHAT ABOUT IT?
>> THEY GOT BEAR PEOPLE IN IT.
>> BEAR PEOPLE?
>> YEAH, CALLED EWOKS, THEY'RE LIKE LITTLE SPACE BEARS.
>> WHAT'S A SPACE BEAR?
>> THERE IS A PLANET WHERE INSTEAD OF PEOPLE THEY GOT
BEARS.
>> YEAH, BUT OUR PLANET HAS GOT BEARS.
>> YEAH, BUT ON THIS PLANET THE BEARS ARE THE PEOPLE.
>> I CAN'T FIGURE THIS THING OUT.
I AM GOING TO FIND THIS RUBIK GUY AND I'M GOING TO SHOVE IT UP
HIS [ BLEEP ].
>> HEY THERE, PLAY SOLITAIRE.
>> SEE TONY DISCOVER LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME.
>> HEY, TONY SOPRANO.
>> CARMEL ADEANGELES.
>> DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE DANCE WITH ME?
>> I WOULD.
I WOULD LIKE THAT VERY MUCH.
>> THERE IS TWO OF YOU.
I AM GOING TO MOON WALK OUT OF HERE.
>> AND WATCH AS HE ENCOUNTERS HIS FIRST HEARTACHE.
>> YOU THINK HE GOES TO THE DANCE WITH YOU AFTER I FIND YOU
UNDER THE BLEACHERS WITH ANET CALUSO?
>> I TOLD YOU, SHE WAS GIVING ME MY BIOLOGY NOTES.
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK, I AM AN IDIOT?
SCREW YOU, TONY SOPRANO.
I WISH YOU WERE DEAD.
>> YOU KNOW THE SWATCH I GAVE YOU?
I WANT IT BACK.
>> FINE, HERE.
TAKE THE SWATCH BACK AND STICK IT UP YOUR [ BLEEP ].
>> I STRAIGHT UP NEED YOU TO KEEP IT DOWN IN THE LIBRARY.
PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO READ.
>> HEY, YOU WANT A BOOK TO READ?
I WILL GIVE YOU A BOOK TO READS.
>> HERE WE GO.
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?
CALL ME ISHMAEL, YOU SON OF A ***.
CARM, GET ME A BIGGER BOOK.
>> I AM NOT GETTING YOU ANYTHING, YOU BOOM BOX.
I LOVE YOU, TONY SOPRANO.
>> DON'T MISS THE SHOW CRITICS ARE CALLING A SHAMEFUL
RESUSCITATION OF AN AMERICAN CLASSICS, "THE SOPRANOS
DIARIES," ONLY ON THE CW.
>> WELL, LOOKS LIKE OUR LITTLE
DEPARTMENT FUNDRAISER IS A BIG SUCCESS.
>> YEAH, YEAH, IF WE CAN JUST GET A COUPLE NEW HOSES OUT OF
IT, THAT WOULD BE HUGE FOR US.
>> OH, YEAH.
UH-OH >> WHAT?
>> LOOKS LIKE JERRY IS TALKING TO BRYCE'S EX-GIRLFRIEND.
HE IS NOT GOING TO LIKE THAT.
>> REALLY?
BRYCE SEEMS LIKE SUCH A MELLOW GUY.
>> HEY, FELLAS.
>> HEY, BRYCE, YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME?
>> DO I LOOK LIKE I AM HAVING A GOOD TIME?
ANYONE WANT TO TELL ME WHY JERRY IS TALKING TO RULA?
>> BRYCE, IS IT REALLY THAT BIG OF A DEAL?
>> UH, YEAH, ACTUALLY IT IS, MARIO.
SHE IS ONLY MY EX-GIRLFRIEND.
>> BRYCE, BRYCE, I AM SORRY I AM NOT FOLLOWING.
DID IT END BADLY BETWEEN YOU GUYS?
>> NO!
IT ENDED AWESOME.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?!
NOW HE IS OVER THERE TALKING TO HER FOR LIKE 50,000 MINUTES.
>> OKAY.
CALM DOWN.
>> HEY, BRYCE.
HEY, GUYS.
>> HELLO, JUDAS ISCARIOT, .
HAVING FUN WITH RULA?
>> COME ON, YOU DATED A DECADE AGO.
>> IS NINE YEARS A DECADES?
DID THEY CHANGE IT TO THAT?
YOU MAKE ME SICK!
THIS IS NOT HOW FIRE FIGHTERS TREAT EACH OTHER.
DID YOU SEE "BACK DRAFT"?
YOU SHOULD BE SHUNNED.
SHUN HIM!
SHUN HIM!
SHUN HIM!
>> GET OUT OF HERE, DOUG.
>> HEY, GUYS.
HEY, BRYCE.
>> OH, HELLO, RULA.
>> WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK, NANCY DREW?
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
WE WENT OUT FOR TWO WEEKS.
>> YEAH, AND THEN I TRIED TO KISS YOU AND YOU THREW HOT TEA
IN MY FACE.
>> AND SO TO GET BACK AT ME, YOU COME TO OUR FUNDRAISER AND YOU
SHAKE YOUR LITTLE APPLE BUTT AND YOU STINKING LITTLE ***.
>> COME ON, MAN.
>> SHUT UP!
SHUT UP!
SHUT UP!
YOU SET THIS WHOLE THING UP BECAUSE YOU LOVE DRAMA.
>> YEAH, CLEM, YOU LOVE DRAMA.
DOUG?
>> YEAH, YOU'RE A DRAMA QUEEN.
>> YOU'RE THE ONE BEING A DRAMA QUEEN.
THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON HERE.
>> YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT, JERRY, BECAUSE THIS PARTY IS OVER.
>> YOU JUST, YOU JUST UNPLUGGED THE HUMIDIFIER.
YOU CLEARLY JUST WANT ATTENTION,
>> THAT IS A LIE.
I AM GOING TO DANCE, AND NO ONE IS INVITED.
PUT ON MY HIP HOP.
♪♪
♪♪
>> HE MAY BE A GREAT FIRE FIGHTER BUT HE IS A HANDFUL.
>> YEAH, I NEVER HEARD HIM SAY TWO WORDS BEFORE.
HE USUALLY JUST HANGS OUT AND IS PRETTY QUIET.
>> UNTIL YOU TALKED TO HIS WOMAN.
[ SCREAMING ]
>> I DON'T KNOW WHICH WAY IS UP.
I AM ON THE VERGE OF LOSING IT.
OKAY?
>> HEY, DO YOU GUYS SEE THEY JUST CANCELLED THAT SHOW "DON'T
TRUST THE 'B' IN APARTMENT 23?"
>> WHAT?!
NOT "THE B!" THAT'S BONKERS.
WHAT?
WHAT?
YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
WHERE IS THAT STUPID DOG?
THERE HE IS.
OPEN THE WINDOW.
[ SCREAMING ]
>> BRYCE!
ARE YOU OKAY, MAN?
>> I'M OUTTA HERE.
GOODBYE, RULA.
GOODBYE, JERRY.
WHERE'S MY COAT.
GIVE ME MY COAT.
LOOK, IN THE WORDS OF MY HERO, MISS MARY J. BLIGE, I AM LEAVING
THIS FIRE HOUSE AND I AIN'T EVER COMING BACK.
>> BRYCE, YOU CAN'T LEAVE.
YOU'RE ON DUTY.
>> WATCH ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WOW, THAT WAS TOTALLY UNCALLED FOR.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
I GOT THE REACTION I WANTED.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
M YOLO YOLO
THE BATTLE CRY OF THE GENERATION ♪
♪ LIFE IS A PRECIOUS GIFT
SO DON'T GET TOO CRAZY -- ♪
♪ YOU KNOW THAT WE ARE STILL YOUNG
SO DON'T BE DUMB DON'T TRUST ANYONE ♪
♪ YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE
THAT'S THE MOTTO SO TAKE A CHILL PILL ♪
♪ EASE OFF THE THROTTLE DON'T GO TO LOUD CLUBS
'CAUSE IT'S BAD FOR YOUR EARS ♪
♪ YOU'RE FRIENDS WILL ALL BE SORRY
WHEN THEY CAN'T HEAR ♪
♪ AND STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM DRUGS
'CAUSE THEY NOT LEGAL SO BURRY ALL YOUR MONEY ♪
♪ IN THE BACK YARD LIKE A BEAGLE
YOU SHOULD NEVER TRUST A BANK STATEMENT ♪
♪ KNOWN TO FAIL AND NEVER TRAVEL BY CAR
BUS, MOTOR OR RAIL AND DON'T TRAVEL BY PLANE ♪
♪ AND DON'T TRAVEL AT ALL BUILD A BOMB SHELTER BASEMENT
WITH TITANIUM WALLS ♪
♪ AND WEAR TITANIUM SUITS INCASE THE -- FALLS ON YOU
AND NEVER IN GO IN SAUNAS ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THEY'RE CRAWLING WITH PIRANHA'S
AND NEVER TAKE THE STAIRS 'CAUSE THEY'RE -- ♪
♪ YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE DON'T LET IT GO TO WASTE
-- WE ARE STILL YOUNG ♪
♪ YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE YEAH, AND HE'S ANOTHER
PIECE OF ADVICE STAY AWAY FROM KIDS ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THEIR HAIR IS FILLED WITH MAD LICE
♪♪
WORKS OF GEORGE ORWELL ♪
♪ SO DON'T 1984 -- ALWAYS WEAR A CHASTITY BELT
AND TRIPLE LOCK IT THEN HIGHER A -- ♪
♪ AND IF YOU THINK YOUR MAILMAN IS A SPY
THEN DESTROY HIM NO BLANKETS OR PAJAMAS ♪
♪ THEY COULD CHOKE YOU IN YOUR SLEEP
TWO WORDS ABOUT FURNITURE KILLING MACHINES ♪
♪ BOARD YOUR WINDOWS UP THE SUN IS BAD
FOR YOUR HEALTH AND DON'T BE WEARING ♪
♪ STRAIGHT JACKETS -- TAKE NO CHANCES
FREELANCES EFFECTING YOU FUTURE ♪
♪ DON'T DILUTE YOUR FINANCES 401K MAKES SURE --
GET SOME REAL ESTATE 4.2% ♪
♪ -- A MORTGAGE THAT'S IMPORTANT
THAT'S A GREAT DEAL IF CAN'T AFFORD IT ♪
♪ DON'T -- ON YOUR LAST BILL RENTING IS FOR SUCKERS
RIGHT NOW DEPENDABLE SAVINGS ♪
♪ WHEN YOU RETIRE THE MONEY IN YOUR ACCOUNT
PEACE YOLO SAY NO NO ♪
♪ ISOLATE YOURSELF AND JUST GO BRO-LO
BE CAREFUL-LO YOU OUGHT TO LOOK OUT ♪
♪ -- YOLO YOU KNOW THAT
WE ARE STILL YOUNG ♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪ YOU WANT TO LOOK OUT ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
>>> WEEKEND UPDATE WITH SETH MEYERS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> GOOD EVENING.
I'M SETH MEYERS, AND HERE ARE TONIGHT'S TOP STORIES.
PRESIDENT OBAMA ON MONDAY DELIVERED HIS INAUGURAL ADDRESS,
WHICH SET A MORE LIBERAL TONE FOR HIS SECOND TERM, ESPECIALLY
THE PART WHERE HE SHOWERED THE CROWD WITH BIRTH CONTROL PILLS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> THIS YEAR MARKS THE 50th ANNIVERSARY OF
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.'S HISTORIC "I HAVE A DREAM"
SPEECH, AS WELL AS THE ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF MY GIRLFRIEND'S
"I HAD THE WEIRDEST DREAM" SPEECH.
GUESS WHICH ONE WAS LONGER.
>> WHEN YOU LOOK TO REVIVE A LANGUAGE, YOU TURN TO THE PLACE
WHERE PEOPLE SPELL LATER WITH AN 8.
>>> CHASE AND PNC ARE BOTH RELEASING NEW ATMs THAN CAN
DISPENSE ONE- AND FIVE-DOLLAR BILLS, AS WELL AS COINS, WHILE
WELLS FARGO IS RELEASING A NEW ATM THAT BORROWS MONEY FROM YOU.
>>> HILLARY CLINTON'S COMBATIVE APPEARANCE BEFORE CONGRESS THIS
WEEK SURPRISED MANY IN WASHINGTON AND AROUND THE
COUNTRY.
HERE WITH A COMMENT ON HILLARY AND WOMEN IN POLITICS,
ARIANNA HUFFINGTON.
>> HELLO, SETH.
>> THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE, ARIANNA.
>> COULD YOU BE SERIOUS?
I WOULD NEVER MISS A CHANCE TO TALK TO YOU.
>> WELL, THANK YOU.
SO, ARIANNA, WHAT DID YOU THINK OF HILLARY'S TESTIMONY BEFORE
CONGRESS THIS WEEK?
>> I THOUGHT SHE WAS WONDERFUL.
CONSIDERING THE PEOPLE SHE WAS TALKING TO.
I MEAN, THE LAST THING RAND PAUL GRILLED THAT LONG WAS A POSSUM.
THESE REPUBLICAN COMMITTEE MEMBERS ARE GOING AFTER HILLARY
LIKE SHE IS CASEY ANTHONY AND THE NEXT DAY JOHN KERRY SHOWS UP
AND THEY ALL LAUGH AND PAT EACH OTHER ON THE BACK LIKE A GARAGE
BAND IN A *** COMMERCIAL.
>> NOW THAT HER TEN SURE IS ENDING DO YOU THINK BEING
SECRETARY OF STATE WAS GOOD FOR HILLARY?
>> SETH, MY SPICY LITTLE, BEING A TRAVELING DIPLOMAT WAS GOOD
FOR HILLARY.
SHE WAS NOT APPRECIATED IN AMERICA.
A LITTLE BOOKISH, A LITTLE DOWDY, BUT THEN SHE WENT TO
EUROPE.
AND IN EUROPE, MEN WILL SEX ANYTHING.
IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU WEAR GLASSES OR YOU FORGET TO WASH
YOUR HAIR OR YOU HAVE NUTELLA STUCK IN YOUR TEETH.
YOU KNOW, SETH, HOW IT SMELLS WHEN YOU WALK INTO A ROOM WHERE
TWO PEOPLE JUST DID SEX?
>> YEAH.
>> WELL, THAT'S WHAT IT SMELLS LIKE WHEN YOU GET OFF A PLANE IN
EUROPE.
>> OKAY.
>> NOW, RECENT POLLING SHOWS HILLARY IS A FRONT-RUNNER IN
2016.
ARE YOU SURPRISED?
>> I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER, SEX MYERS.
[ LAUGHTER ] HILLARY IS TALK FOR THE FIRST
TIME.
SHE IS EVEN POLLING HIGH AMONG WOMEN.
AND NO ONE HATES WOMEN MORE THAN OTHER WOMEN.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY WOMEN OTHER WOMEN LIKE?
TWO.
OPRAH AND WHOEVER OPRAH LIKES.
>> NOW, ARIANNA, BEFORE YOU GO, I WANTED TO GET YOUR THOUGHTS ON
THE PENTAGON'S ANNOUNCEMENT THAT IT'S LIFTING THEIR BAN ON WOMEN
IN COMBAT.
>> SETH, I'M AS HAPPY AS A MAZURKA PLAYER ON --
>> IS THAT -- WHAT DOES THAT --
>> IT MEANS I AM PRETTY HAPPY.
>> OKAY.
GOOD.
SO YOU THINK WOMEN WILL MAKE GOOD COMBAT SOLDIERS?
>> SETH, BUDDY, YOU SOUND STUPID.
OF COURSE THEY WILL MAKE GOOD FIGHTERS.
HAVE YOU EVER WATCHED INVESTIGATION DISCOVERY?
WOMEN ARE KILLING MEN LEFT AND RIGHT.
THERE IS A SHOW CALLED "WIVES WITH KNIVES."
IT IS ABOUT WIVES WHO KILL THEIR HUSBANDS WITH KNIVES.
WHICH HAS HAPPENED ENOUGH TIMES THAT THERE IS A WHOLE SHOW ABOUT
IT.
>> DO YOU THINK COMBAT EXPERIENCE WILL CHANGE THE WAY
WOMEN ARE TREATED IN WASHINGTON?
>> THE FACT IS, SETH, WOMEN HAVE BEEN IN ACTIVE COMBAT ROLES FOR
YEARS.
FOR WOMENING FIGHTING IN COMBAT IS LIKE HAVING ORGASMS.
WE'VE BEEN DOING IT FOREVER BUT YOU FELLAS ARE JUST NOW FINDING
OUT ABOUT IT.
>> ARIANNA HUFFINGTON, EVERYBODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> ORANGUTANS AT THE SMITHSONIAN NATIONAL ZOO ARE NOW
BEING GIVEN iPADS TO USE AS PART OF AN APPS FOR APES PROGRAM.
MAN, YOU THINK YOUR SCREEN GETS DIRTY.
>>> APPS FOR APES IS ALSO CAUSING SOME JEALOUSY AMONG
THOSE PARTICIPATING IN ZUNES FOR BABOONS.
>>> A NEW REPORT SUGGESTS THAT PEOPLE IN HAPPY MARRIAGES ARE
MORE LIKELY TO GAIN WEIGHT THAN PEOPLE WHO ARE UNHAPPILY
MARRIED.
SO, IF YOUR SPOUSE IS A HUGE, DISGUSTING SLOB,
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU'RE HAPPILY MARRIED.
>>> A RESTAURANT IN PHILADELPHIA HAS CREATED A NEW TACO THAT
REPLACES THE SHELL WITH SLICES OF BACON.
OF COURSE, NO MATTER HOW GOOD IT TASTES, YOU'RE STILL IN
PHILADELPHIA.
>>> A NEW STUDY HAS BEEN RELEASED, DISPROVING THE MYTH
THAT CONS DIMINISH *** PLEASURE FOR MEN.
THE STUDY WAS PUBLISHED IN THIS QUARTER'S "JOURNAL OF LIES."
>>> A BARISTA AT A STARBUCKS IN ALABAMA WAS ABLE TO STOP A
ROBBER BY PRETENDING HE DIDN'T HAVE A KEY TO THE SAFE AND
INSTEAD OFFERING HIM A FREE COFFEE.
SO LET THIS BE A LESSON TO OTHER ROBBERS --
BARISTAS DO HAVE THE KEY TO THE SAFE.
>>> IT'S BEEN AN EMOTIONAL COUPLE OF WEEKS FOR BALTIMORE
RAVENS LINEBACKER RAY LEWIS, WHO'S RETIRING AFTER 17 SEASONS,
BUT NOT BEFORE HIS TEAMS PLAYS IN THE SUPER BOWL.
HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT, RAY LEWIS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ].
>> OH.
OH, HELLO, SETH.
>> SO ARE YOU EXCITED FOR THE BIG GAME?
>> SETH, IT IS GOING TO BE AMAZING.
>> YOU'RE ALREADY LOSING IT.
WE'RE GETTING USED TO THIS, RAY.
A LOT OF US SAW YOU CRY LAST WEEK DURING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.
>> IT'S AS IF I'VE NEVER HEARD THE SONG BEFORE.
>> YOU'VE BEEN PLAYING FOOTBALL YOUR WHOLE LIFE.
>> WELL, I ALWAYS WEAR EAR PLUGS DURING THE GAMES TO BLOCK OUT
THE SOUND OF MY OWN SCREAMS.
>> I HOPE YOU CAN CARRY THE PASSION TO THE SUPER BOWL, THE
4ERS ARE FAVORED BY 4.5 POINTS.
>> OH, SETH, I CAN'T LISTEN TO THAT.
I'VE BEEN THROUGH TOO MUCH TO GET HERE.
I'M 37 YEARS OLD.
I GOT A TORN TRICEP.
I CAN'T GET THIS PAINT OFF MY FACE.
BUT I KNOW THAT IT'S ALL PART OF A HIGHER PLAN.
OH, THE WORLD IS AMAZING, SETH.
LOOK OUTSIDE.
THERE IS THAT GORGEOUS SKATING RINK RIGHT BY YOUR BUILDING THAT
USED TO BE ROCKEFELLER CENTER LAKE.
>> NO, THAT WAS NEVER A LAKE.
>> AND PEOPLE WOULD DROWN IN THERE, MAN.
>> NO.
AND THEIR SCARVES ARE FLAPPING IN THE WIND. PEOPLE GETTING
ENGAGED.
HOT CHOCOLATE.
OH, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
THEY SAID IT COULDN'T BE DONE, SETH.
>> WHAT?
>> THEY SAID THEY COULDN'T TAKE A DANGEROUS LAKE OUTSIDE OF A
MAJOR NEW YORK CITY BUILDING AND TURN IT INTO SOMETHING FUN, BUT
THEY DID.
>> WE'RE GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
>> WHAT HAPPENED?
>> YEAH, I WAS DRIVING DOWN SIXTH
AVENUE AND A POLICE OFFICER SAID THAT THE ROAD WAS CLOSED.
HE SAID BECAUSE OF CONSTRUCTION THERE IS A DITCH UP TWO BLOCKS
I SAID, LOOK.
NO ROADS ARE CLOSED TO RAY LEWIS BECAUSE I BELIEVE ONLY A HIGHER
POWER CAN TELL RAY LEWIS WHAT TO DO.
>> SO, WHAT HAPPENED?
>> I DROVE TWO BLOCKS UP AND CRASHED INTO A DITCH.
>> OKAY.
>> I CRACKED TWO RIBS.
>> OH, NO.
>> YEAH.
I GOT A DETACHED RETINA, BUT I GOT HERE.
I SURVIVED.
>> NOTHING GOING TO KEEP RAY LEWIS DOWN.
NOT A DITCH, NOT A RETINA.
NOT THE 49ers.
WE ARE NOT GOING TO LOSE THAT GAME>> I AM NOT WORRIED ABOUT
WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOU LOSE.
I AM MORE WORRIED WHAT YOU WILL DO IF YOU WIN.
>> IF WE WIN THE SUPER BOWL, I AM GOING TO GO TO THE 50 YARD
LINE OF THE SUPER DOME, KNEEL DOWN, AND I AM GOING TO ASCEND
INTO HEAVEN.
I'M GOING THROUGH THE ROOF, SETH.
THAT'S GOING TO BE A SIGHT.
WOO!
>> RAY LEWIS, EVERYONE.
>> I'MA KILL YOU!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> POPE BENEDICT THIS PAST
>>> A BRANCH OF THE NEW YORK CITY LIBRARY HAS BEGUN
LENDING OUT A DOLL FROM THE POPULAR "AMERICAN GIRL" SERIES
BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE HAVEN'T GOTTEN THE FLU YET.
>>> INSIDERS ARE SAYING THAT LINDSAY LOHAN HAS TURNED DOWN AN
OFFER OF MORE THAN $500,000 TO BE A CONTESTANT ON "DANCING WITH
THE STARS." "WE'LL DO IT," SHOUTED BOTH OF
HER PARENTS AT ONCE.
>>> IT WAS REPORTED THAT GUY FIERI IS PLANNING TO OPEN A
WINE TASTING ROOM ON A VINEYARD IN CALIFORNIA.
FIERI'S WINE REPORTEDLY HAS A SPICY TOP NOTE AND A SMOKY
FINISH, AND IT'S JUST GRAVY.
>> FOR WEEKEND UPDATE, I AM SETH MEYERS.
GOOD NIGHT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ].
♪♪
>>> HI, I'M NEV.
IF YOU WEREN'T LISTENING TO THAT FIRST PART ABOUT MY NAME, DON'T
WORRY, I'LL KEEP REPEATING IT.
NEV.
A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO, I FELL IN LOVE ONLINE.
TURNS OUT MY CRUSH WASN'T WHO I THOUGHT SHE WAS.
SO I MADE A MOVIE ABOUT IT EXPLOITING HER, AND NOW WE'RE
FRIENDS WHO NEVER, EVER TALK.
"CATFISH" THE MOVIE WAS MY STORY.
"CATFISH" THE TV SHOW IS YOUR STORY.
BUT, IT'S ALSO MOSTLY MY STORY.
AND AGAIN, I'M NEV.
>> HEY, NEV HERE.
THANK YOU.
AS ALWAYS, I JUST WOKE UP AND THE CAMERA HAS CAUGHT ME ALL
DISHEVELED AND CUTE.
[ LAUGHTER ] HOW EMBARRASSING.
GETTING ALL OF THIS, MAX?
>> OH, YEAH.
>> HEY, ARE WE EVER GOING TO CUT TO THIS CAMERA, BY THE WAY?
>> NOPE.
LET'S GET TO WORK.
THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO NEV OUR HELP.
>> DEAR NEV, I'M JESS.
I BELIEVE THAT DOGS HAVE HUMAN SOULS, AND I'VE BEEN IN A TEN
YEAR ONLINE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE HOTTEST GUY IN THE WORLD.
HIS NAME IS ACE APPLEBEE AND HIS FAMILY OWNS ALL THE APPLEBEE'S
AND SOME OF THE CHILI'S.
THE ONE PROBLEM IS HE DOESN'T HAVE A CELL PHONE, OR A
LANDLINE, OR A CAR OR ANY PEOPLE WHO KNOW HIM BESIDES ME.
SO I'VE ONLY SEEN HIM IN PICTURES.
PLEASE HELP ME, NEV.
I REALLY WANT TO MEET ACE.
HE'S PROBABLY GOING TO BE MY HUSBAND.
>> JESS, IT'S GREAT TO NEV YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ] TELL US ABOUT ACE.
>> ACE?
OH HELL YEAH.
LOVE HIM, TOTAL SEXY HOT GUY.
ACE IS A MODEL FOR ABERCROMBIE AND HE CAN NEVER VISIT ME
BECAUSE HE'S ON THE DO NOT FLY LIST FOR BEING TOO NICE.
HANDSOME.
BASICALLY, HE'S PERFECT.
>> WELL JESS, GOOD THING YOU CALLED US BECAUSE WE HERE AT
"CATFISH" HAVE ACCESS TO THE MOST ADVANCED INVESTIGATION
TECHNOLOGY AVAILABLE.
>> OH MY GOD, THE FBI OR THE CIA?
>> NO, GOOGLE.
>> GOOGLE?
DANG, I NEVER EVEN HEARD OF THAT.
>> YEAH, WE LOOKED UP ACE, AND SOME OF HIS STORIES DON'T LINE
UP.
FOR EXAMPLE, THE PICTURE YOU'RE SEEING OF HIS DOG WAS ACTUALLY A
POSTER FOR THE MOVIE, "BEETHOVEN."
AND THE PHOTO OF HIS HOUSE IS ACTUALLY THE CARTOON HOUSE FROM
"THE JETSONS."
>> DANG.
>> TOTALLY TRUE.
HE KNEW HOW MUCH I WANTED TO MOVE AROUND IN A TUBE.
>> WELL, I'M SORRY.
I AM SORRY THAT I, NEV, HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO BREAK IT TO YOU.
HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS.
EVEN THOUGH HE HAS BEEN AVOIDING YOU FOR TEN YEARS, WHEN I CALLED
HIM, HE IMMEDIATELY AGREED TO MEET ON YOU TELEVISION.
LET'S GO.
>> OKAY.
>> HEY NEV, THERE'S NO FILM IN THIS CAMERA.
>> COMING UP NEXT ON "CATFISH," WILL JESS FIND WHO SHE'S LOOKING
FOR?
HUH?
>> WHOA.
HOT DANG.
THAT'S WHO YOU WERE?
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
IS THIS REACTION POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE?
YOU CAN'T TELL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪♪
>> WOW, THIS IS IT.
>> OKAY.
NOW, BEFORE WE GO IN, I WOULD LIKE TO ASK YOU ONE LONG
RAMBLING QUESTION THAT SOUNDS INSIGHTFUL, BUT GOES NOWHERE.
CONSIDERING WHAT YOU KNOW NOW, HOW DO YOU FEEL AS OF YESTERDAY
BASED ON FEELINGS YOU FELT IN ADDITION TO WHAT HAS BEEN
BROUGHT TO LIGHT BY ME, NEV, BUT DISREGARDING THE EVENTS OF
TOMORROW?
>> HEY LOOK, THERE'S SOMEONE COMING OUT A WEIRD SIDE DOOR AS
USUAL.
>> UH, HI, I'M THE ONE WHO MADE THE FAKE PROFILE.
>> DANG, WHAT THE HECK?
I GOT CATFISHED.
[ LAUGHTER ] ARE YOU EVEN AN ABERCROMBIE
MODEL?
WHAT DO YOU REALLY DO?
>> YOU KNOW UPS?
>> YEAH, YOU WORK FOR THEM?
>> I FOLLOW THEIR TRUCKS AROUND AND TAKE THE PACKAGES OFF
PEOPLE'S DOORSTEPS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH MY GOD, THAT IS SO HOT.
BUT, IS YOUR NAME REALLY ACE APPLEBEE?
>> NO.
MY REAL NAME IS GORDON TGI FRIDAY'S.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, GORDON.
>> JESS.
>> NEV.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, HELL YEAH, I KNEW I HAD A BOYFRIEND.
>> YEAH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
>> LAST MONTH, MAROON 5 ROCKED MY STOCKINGS OFF AT A CONCERT IN
NEW JERSEY.
IT WAS ONE OF THE GREATEST NIGHTS OF MR. ADAM LEVINE'S
LIFE.
BECAUSE IT WAS THE NIGHT HE MET ME, JANET.
THIS IS OUR STORY.
♪♪
[ "LAW AND ORDER" SOUND ] WELCOME TO JURASSIC PARK.
I'M JUST KIDDING.
IT IS MY CONDO IN YOUNKERS AND IT'S A FILTHY MESS.
>> AW, COME ON.
IT'S NICE.
>> OH, PLEASE.
COME ON, IT IS NOT NICE.
>> LOOK AT YOU.
>> OH, PLEASE.
HOW COULD YOU NOT LOOK AT ME?
I TAKE UP MOST OF YOUR FIELD OF VISION.
I LOOK LIKE E.T. WHEN THEY DRESSED HIM UP LIKE A LADY.
>> MAN, I SHOULD BE AT THE AFTER PARTY WITH MY BAND, BUT THERE IS
JUST SOMETHING ABOUT YOU.
>> I KNOW.
IT'S CRAZY.
TO THINK THAT ONLY TWO HOURS AGO, I WAS WATCHING YOU PERFORM
AND ALL I COULD THINK WAS, "I'M GOING TO SIT ON THAT FACE
TONIGHT IF IT KILLS ME."
>> YOU ARE BLOWING MY MIND.
>> WHY WON'T YOU PULL DOWN TOES SKINNY JEANS AND FIGURE OUT
WHERE TO STICK THAT THING.
>> 90% OF MY DIET IS PEACH SNAP HE WILL.
ONCE DURING A BLACKOUT I ATE A WHOLE BAG OF BEGGING STRIPS AND
SIX TIMES NOT DURING A BLACKOUT.
THAT WAS WEIRD.
ONE TIME ON A FLIGHT TO ALBUQUERQUE I FARTED SO BAD IN
MY SLEEP WE HAD TO LAND.
YOUR TURN.
TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT YOU.
>> OKAY.
I WAS IN A BAND CALLED FLOWERS AND WE WERE TERRIBLE.
>> WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT.
>> I LOVE YOGA.
>> THAT'S NASTY.
>> MISTAKE.
I AM JUST KIND OF LOOKING TO SETTLE DOWN WITH A NICE GIRL.
>> WELL, THEN, WHY DON'T YOU SETTLE DOWN ON THIS PUPPY RIGHT
HERE?
COME ON.
>> JANET, WHAT IS IT ABOUT YOU THAT IS SO --
>> DIABETIC.
>> I WAS GOING TO SAY IRRESISTIBLE.
>> OH, SHALL WE RETIRE TO THE BOUDOIR?
I HOPE DANNY GLOVER DOESN'T MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.
I AM A FAN.
AND WHEN DANNY GOES DOWN, SO DO I.
>> THIS IS ALL HAPPENING SO FAST.
>> HEY, HEY, HEY.
[ FART NOISES ] RELAX, ALL RIGHT?
THIS IS NOT MY FIRST TIME WITH A SUPERSTAR.
>> REALLY?
>> YEAH, SURE, I BAGGED TOM BRADY, MAGIC JOHNSON, BEFORE.
AND THE GIANT FROM THAT BILLY CRYSTAL MOVIE "MY GIANT," AND
THE TITLE IS APP.
NOW, LET'S GET THAT BIG OLD DING *** OUT AND LET ME FLAP IT
AROUND FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
COME ON, I'VE BEEN FLICKING MY BEAN ALL DAY THINKING ABOUT
THIS.
GET OVER HERE.
>> OKAY.
JANET?
>> WHAT?
>> WHAT'S GOING ON?
>> COME ON, GIVE IT TO ME.
>> I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS.
IT IS JUST I THINK I AM STILL RUNNING ON ADRENALINE FROM THE
SHOW.
YOU GOT ME SO WASTED.
>> I KNOW.
>> AND YOU GAVE ME ALL OF THOSE PILLS.
>> OH, SO MANY PILLS, SO MANY PILLS.
>> IT FEELS GOOD WHEN YOU KISS ME.
I JUST KIND OF PICTURED IT MORE -- I PICTURED IT
DIFFERENTLY THAN THIS.
>> I KNOW.
LOOK, ADAM, I KNOW I AM NOT A SUPER MODEL, OKAY?
>> JANET, NO.
>> I LOOK LIKE SOMEONE PUT A WIG ON A HALF MELTED SNOWMAN EXCEPT
YOU CAN STICK MORE THAN ONE CARROT IN ME IF YOU KNOW WHAT I
>> WOW, WOW, WOW LOOK CLASH.
>> IT IS A LOT TO TAKE IN.
>> THERE IS SO MUCH OF YOU, YOU'RE LOVELY, I WOULDN'T CHANGE
ANYTHING ABOUT THIS NIGHT BUT -- I JUST CAN'T.
>> YEAH.
I SAW THAT AM COMING A MILE AWAY.
ADAM, I CAN RESPECT THAT.
[ SHOUTING ] HEY, HEY, HEY, [ FART NOISES ]
I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE.
JUST THROW ME A PEACH SNAPPLE BEFORE YOU DO.
>> I WILL GO GET SOME HELP OR MAYBE I WILL JUST GO HOME
INSTEAD OF HELPING YOU.
>>> MILLIONS OF AMERICANS WATCHED AS BARACK OBAMA TOOK THE
OATH OF OFFICE FOR HIS SECOND TERM AS PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
AND THIS COMING MONDAY, THE PARTY REALLY STARTS.
♪♪
HEY, EVERYBODY, IT'S ME, YOUR VP JOE BIDEN.
AND I'M INVITING YOU ALL TO JOIN ME THIS MONDAY AT THE DOVER
MOTOR SPEEDWAY IN DOVER, DELAWARE FOR A LITTLE
PARTY I LIKE TO CALL THE BIDEN BASH.
FORGET THE PAGEANTRY.
FORGET THE INSPIRATIONAL SPEECHES.
THIS ONE'S ABOUT FUN.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE COTTON CANDY, AN AMATEUR DOG SHOW, A BOUNCY --
>> DO YOU THINK YOU CAN JUMP HIGHER THAN ME?
NOW YOU CAN FIND OUT IN THE GAME I CALL DO YOU THINK YOU CAN JUMP
HIGHER THAN ME AND BE SURE TO JOIN ME FOR MY KUNG FU
EXHIBITION.
BIDEN TIME.
ALMOST GOT IT.
>> IF YOU THOUGHT CONSERVATIVES WERE PROGRESSIVE INAUGURAL
ADDRESS, WAIT UNTIL I TAKE THE MIC AND LET THE GOP HAVE IT
MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE STYLE.
>> I AM COMING FOR YOUR GUNS ALL RIGHT, AND I AM FREAKING
HOMOSEXUALS AND THEY'RE GOING TO RUN WILD ON YOU, OH, YEAH.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH MACHO MAN JOE BIDEN COMES FOR
YOU?
>> COME ON DOWN TO DELAWARE AND A PLACE THAT KNOWS HOW TO PARTY.
AS THE SAYING GOES, WHAT HAPPENS IN DELAWARE --
>> READY?
SPACE.
BIDEN TIME.
>>> THANKS TO KENDRICK LAMAR, ANDY SAMBERG, CAMERON DIAZ,
JERRY SEINFELD.
GOOD NIGHT.
♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]