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>>> THIS NOVEMBER, WE THE PEOPLE OF OHIO WILL GO TO THE POLLS AND
MOVE THIS COUNTRY FORWARD.
NOW IT IS MY DISTINCT HONOR TO INTRODUCE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
I WOULDN'T WANT HIS JOB, RIGHT?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
IT'S SO GREAT TO BE HERE BACK IN OHIO.
AND BEFORE WE START, SASHA, MALIA, GO TO BED.
[ LAUGHTER ] I DO THAT TO REMIND YOU I HAVE
TWO ADORABLE YOUNG DAUGHTERS AND NOT FIVE CREEPY ADULT SONS.
WELL, ELECTION DAY IS NEARING.
AND THINGS AREN'T GREAT.
THE ECONOMY IS IN THE TANK.
THE JOB MARKET IS HORRIBLE.
NOW EVEN MY FOREIGN POLICY IS UNDER ATTACK.
BUT THERE IS SOMETHING I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW.
I'M NOT WORRIED, NOT IN THE LEAST.
SHOULD BE.
SEEMS LIKE I WOULD BE.
BUT I'M NOT.
AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
OUR CAMPAIGN HAS A SECRET WEAPON.
AND THAT SECRET WEAPON IS SPEAKING RIGHT NOW IN TULSA,
OKLAHOMA.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
>> HELLO, I'M MITT ROMNEY.
I UNDERSTAND THE HARDSHIPS FACING ORDINARY AMERICANS.
FOR EXAMPLE, THIS SUMMER, ONE OF MY HORSES FAILED TO MEDAL AT THE
SO I KNOW HARDSHIP.
>> ISN'T HE GREAT?
NOW, I KNOW I'M NOT PERFECT.
I'M DISTANT.
I'M ALOOF.
I'M OVERCONFIDENT.
BUT WOULDN'T YOU BE OVERCONFIDENT IF YOUR ONLY
COMPETITION WAS THIS?
>> NOW, LET'S BE HONEST, OKAY?
NOBODY HERE WANTS GAY MARRIAGE.
ALL RIGHT.
NOBODY.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, SIR?
OH, YOU ARE GAY.
OKAY.
SO THAT'S WHY YOU'RE WEARING THE BERET.
I SEE.
OH, YOU'RE IN THE ARMY.
WELL, THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.
I'M SORRY, YOUR GAY SERVICE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HE MAKES ME LAUGH SO MUCH.
AND IT'S NICE TO HAVE SOMETHING TO LAUGH ABOUT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE
PEOPLE ARE OUT OF WORK.
THEY ARE LIVING WITH THEIR PARENTS COLLECTING JUNK.
IT'S LIKE WE HAVE A SANFORD & SON ECONOMY.
DA DA DA DA.
DA DA DA DA DA DA DA.
YOU REMEMBER THAT?
IT'S THAT BAD.
BUT HEY, AT LEAST I'M BEING HONEST.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, LESS CHECK IN ON PAUL RYAN.
>> I SAID I COULD DO 100 SIT-UPS IN FIVE SECONDS.
WHAT I MEANT WAS I COULD DO FIVE SIT-UPS EVENTUALLY.
DON'T WORRY.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME A LIAR, I'M JUST TERRIBLE WITH NUMBERS.
NOW, LET'S TALK BUDGET.
>> THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
SO AMERICA, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT IN LOVE WITH ME ANYMORE.
BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT MY HEART STILL BEATS FOR YOU, AND I
CAN PROVE IT.
♪ I'M SO IN LOVE WITH YOU ♪
THAT WAS FUN, RIGHT?
DO YOU WANT THAT OR THIS?
>> E-I-E-I-O.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HOW ABOUT THAT?
THAT WAS OLD McDONALD HAD A FARM.
PRETTY GROOVY SONG, HUH?
SORRY I DIDN'T KNOW ALL THE ANIMAL NOISES.
SPEAKING OF MUSIC, LOOK AT THIS, SPEAKING OF MUSIC RIGHT HERE.
THIS GUY LOOKS LIKE A YOUNG LOU RAWLS UP HERE.
WHO'S LOU RAWLS?
HE'S AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU.
I DON'T MEAN YOU ALL LOOK ALIKE.
HOW ABOUT A HIGH-FIVE.
YOU DON'T HAVE ARMS.
THERE YOU GO.
>> THE MAN IS A CHRISTMAS MIRE KELL.
MISS CAL.
SO THERE'S YOUR CHOICE, AMERICA.
STICK WITH WHAT'S BEEN BARELY WORKING, OR TAKE YOUR CHANCES
WITH THAT.
SO GOD BLESS, ENJOY THE DEBATE.
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"!
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"!
WITH FRED ARMISEN VANESSA MAYER
BILL HADER SETH MEYERS
SETH MEYERS BOBBY MOYNIHAN.
NASIM PEDRAD JAY PHARAOH
JASON SUDEIKIS KENAN THOMPSON
FEATURE AMY BRYANT KATE McKINNON
TIM ROBINSON CECILY STRONG.
FRANK OCEAN AND YOUR HOST, SETH MacFARLANE
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SETH MacFARLANE.
>>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> THANK YOU.
EVERYBODY IT IS SO GREAT TO BE HERE HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE." YOU KNOW, I'VE LOVED THIS SHOW
SINCE I WAS A KID.
I PROMISED MYSELF THERE WAS ONE THING I WOULD DO IF IT TO HOST.
SO IF YOU COULD JUST INDULGE ME FOR A MOMENT.
PLEASE GO OUT WITH ME FARRAH FAWCETT.
[ LAUGHTER ] I GUESS I MADE THAT PROMISE A
WHILE AGO.
BUT YOU KNOW, I DO A LOT OF VOICES.
LIKE ON "FAMILY GUY." [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> STILL REALLY?
THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW.
AND OF COURSE THE MOVIE "TED." [ APPLAUSE ]
>> BUT I'M VERY HAPPY TO BE HERE AS MYSELF, SETH MacFARLANE, EVEN
THOUGH THE VOICES KIND OF DID GET ME WHERE I AM TONIGHT.
YOU'RE DOING GOOD, BUDDY.
YOU'RE VERY LIKABLE SO FAR.
KEEP IT UP.
DO NOT LOOK AT THE LADY IN THE FRONT ROW WITH THE BIG KNOCKERS,
JUST FOCUS ON THE MONOLOGUE.
[ AS STEWIE GRIFFIN ]
>> OH, YOU'RE DOING THE VOICES.
YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T GOING TO DO THEM AND HERE WE ARE.
[ NORMAL VOICE ]
>> GUYS, I AM MUCH MORE THAN VOICES.
I DIRECTED "TED." [ AS STEWIE GRIFFIN ]
>> OH, YES.
'CAUSE SO MANY DIRECTORS HOST SNL.
I BELIEVE GARY MARSHALL IS HOSTING NEXT WEEK.
[ AS PETER GRIFFIN ]
>> LOOK, I'M NOT DOING THE VOICES, I'M JUST TALKING.
[ AS STEWIE GRIFFIN ]
>> NOT YOU, IDIOT, SETH, HE'S DOING THE VOICES.
[ AS PETER GRIFFIN ]
>> WHY DON'T YOU MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS?
>> WHY DON'T YOU MIND YOUR FAT ***.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ AS BRIAN GRIFFIN ]
>> LOOK, WILL YOU GUYS PLEASE STOP FIGHTING?
>> OH, BUTT OUT BRIAN.
[ AS PETER GRIFFIN ]
>> YEAH.
THIS IS A PRIVATE CONVERSATION.
[ AS GLENN QUAGMIRE ]
>> HEY, CAN ANYBODY GET IN ON THIS?
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] [ AS PETER GRIFFIN ]
>> NO QUAGMIRE.
[ AS GLENN QUAGMIRE ]
>> OH, COME ON.
[ AS STEWIE GRIFFIN ]
>> THIS IS OUR SHOW.
[ AS GLENN QUAGMIRE ]
>> OH, COME ON, JUST ONE.
[ AS PETER GRIFFIN ]
>> ALL RIGHT, JUST ONE.
[ AS GLENN QUAGMIRE ]
>> GIGITY, GIGITY, GIGITY, GOO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ NORMAL VOICE ]
>> OBVIOUSLY VOICES IN MY HEAD ARE A LEGITIMATE PSYCHOLOGICAL
PROBLEM FOR ME.
HOW BAD IS IT?
WELL, MAYBE I CAN EXPLAIN IT THIS WAY.
♪♪
♪ OH MY HEAD IS FILLED WITH VOICES
AND THEY NEVER GO AWAY THERE'S A BABY BRITISH ♪
♪ AN ALIEN SKITTISH AND MIGHT BE POSSIBLY GAY
YEAH MY HEAD IS FILLED WITH VOICES ♪
♪ THE DOCTORS DON'T KNOW WHY FOR A SECOND
I'M A NORMAL TALKING REGULAR GENT ♪
♪ THE NEXT I'M GEORGE TAKEI ♪
>> YOU KNOW, AFTER I CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET, THEY WOULDN'T LET ME
TOUCH THE CAPTAIN'S LOG.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ MY HEAD IS FILLED WITH VOICES
AS I DO MY MONOLOGUE FROM A NORMAL CONVERSATION ♪
♪ TO A SUDDEN TRANSFORMATION TO A DROOPY OLD DOG.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS MAKES ME SO MAD.
♪ MY HEAD IS FILLED WITH VOICES NO THE DOCTORS DON'T KNOW WHY
FOR A SECOND ♪
♪ I'M A NORMAL TALKING REGULAR GENT
THE NEXT I'M MARTY McFLY ♪
>> WELL, DOC, YOU CAN'T JUST WALK INTO A STORE AND BUY
PLUTONIUM.
DID YOU RIP THAT OFF?
♪ OH MY HEAD IS FILLED WITH VOICES
IT'S ANOTHER KIND OF FOG AS OFTEN AS I TRY IT ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO KEEP THEM QUIET
AND I TALK LIKE KERMIT THE FROG ♪
>> YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY GREAT TO BE IN MANHATTAN.
I LOVE BEING IN NEW YORK EXCEPT FOR ALL THE JEWS.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ MY HEAD IS FILLED WITH VOICES
IT'S A SPECIAL KIND OF HELL BUT TONIGHT IT'S ALL ♪
♪ COMPLETELY OKAY [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
BECAUSE THIS IS SNL ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW.
FRANK OCEAN IS HERE.
STICK AROUND.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> I'M BARACK OBAMA AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE, BUT I'M
NOT REAL PROUD OF IT.
>> I DON'T THINK MITT ROMNEY UNDERSTANDS WHAT HE'S DONE TO
PEOPLE'S LIVES BY CLOSING THIS PLANT.
I DON'T THINK HE EVEN CARES.
>> MITT ROMNEY AND BAIN CAPITAL MADE MILLIONS FOR THEMSELVES AND
THEN CLOSED THIS STEEL PLANT.
>> NOT LONG AFTER I LOST MY JOB, MY WIFE WENT IN FOR HEART
SURGERY.
MITT ROMNEY STOPPED BY THE HOSPITAL ROOM TO TELL US WE NO
LONGER HAD HEALTH INSURANCE OF AS HE WAS TALKING, WE COULD SEE
HE HAD A REALLY BAD COLD.
HE WAS COUGHING AND SNEEZING AND EVERYTHING.
I SAID TO HIM, MY WIFE IS SICK.
WOULD YOU MIND COVERING YOUR MOUTH IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE
DOING THAT?
>> MITT ROMNEY DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO COVER HIS MOUTH.
>> COME ON, MY WIFE JUST HAD HEART SURGERY, AND NOW SHE'S
GOING TO GET YOUR COLD, TOO?
>> AFTER BAIN CAPITAL SHUT DOWN THE MILL, I WAS OUT OF WORK FOR
A YEAR.
>> MITT ROMNEY AND BAIN CAPITAL BOUGHT THE TEXTILE MILL WHERE
RAYMOND HAD WORKED FOR 18 YEARS, THEN SHUT IT DOWN.
>> IT WAS REALLY *** MY FAMILY.
FINALLY I GOT A JOB AT A PIANO FACTORY AT HALF MY OLD SALARY.
THEN BAIN BOUGHT THAT COMPANY AND I GOT LAID OFF AGAIN.
NEXT I WORKED AS A TRUCKER, BUT THEN BAIN CAME ALONG, BOUGHT THE
TRUCKING COMPANY AND I LOST THAT JOB, TOO.
[ LAUGHTER ] I THEN GOT HIRED PART TIME AT AN
ORANGE JULIUS UNTIL BAIN ACQUIRED THAT FRANCHISE AND SHUT
IT DOWN.
NOT THE WHOLE COMPANY, YOU UNDERSTAND.
JUST THAT ONE STORE.
[ LAUGHTER ] AT THIS POINT, I SAID TO MYSELF,
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?"
[ LAUGHTER ] FINALLY, I GOT A JOB AT A SHOE
SHINE STAND UNDER AN ASSUMED NAME, WORKING JUST FOR TIPS.
BUT BAIN SOMEHOW FOUND OUT, BOUGHT THE BUSINESS, AND MOVED
IT TO CHINA.
THAT'S WHEN I KNEW, THIS IS NOT A COINCIDENCE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> EACH TIME RAYMOND McCOY GOT A NEW JOB, MITT ROMNEY AND BAIN
CAPITAL WOULD BUY THE COMPANY APPARENTLY FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE
OF LAYING HIM OFF.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHEN MITT ROMNEY WAS THERE IN THE HOSPITAL ROOM WITH US, HE
KEPT INSISTING ON SHAKING OUR HANDS TO SHOW THERE'S NO HARD
FEELINGS AND ALL THAT.
THEN I NOTICED HE HAD THIS COLD SORE.
>> MITT ROMNEY PROBABLY GAVE DAN'S WIFE A COLD SORE.
>> DID HE EVER THINK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE?
THAT'S JUST SO INCONSIDERATE.
>> OBAMA FOR AMERICA IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS
ADVERTISEMENT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> YOU'RE WATCHING "SEX AFTER 50" WITH DR. RENEE
BARRYFASHUNTA.
PROVIDING EXPERT COUNSELING FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 AND THEIR
CHANGING *** NEEDS.
JUST BECAUSE THERE IS SNOW ON THE ROOF DOESN'T MEAN THERE
NEEDS TO BE SNOW IN THE BEDROOM.
AND NOW PLEASE WELCOME DR. RENEE BARRYFASHUNTA.
>> DR. RENEE, IT'S ***.
I'M PRODUCER RODGER BRUSH.
DR. RENEE DIRECT MESSAGED ME ON TWITTER.
SHE SAID SHE HADN'T GONE NUMBER TWO IN TEN DAYS.
BUT THEN, TODAY WAS D-DAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] SHE SAID IT CAME OUT SO COMPACT
THAT IT LOOKED LIKE A V-8 CAN THAT WAS FOLLOWED BY WHAT SHE
REFERRED TO AS TWO MINUTES OF HOT DOG WATER.
[ LAUGHTER ] SO I TWEETED HER, "STAY HOME.
I'LL COVER THE SHOW." SHE LIVES WAY UP STATE AND
THERE'S NO TOILETS UP ON THE PLUTONIC.
SO, WHO IS FIRST.
>> THIS IS SHAYLYNN SHEEP AND HER HUSBAND WAYNE.
>> OKAY, NOW WHAT'S YOUR DEAL IF DOWN THERE?
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
>> NO, NO ONE'S BUSH IS GREY?
>> REALLY?
I GOT TO TELL YOU, WHEN I FIRST SAW MY GREY BUSH HAIR, I SAID
"BYE." I SHAVE EVERYTHING NOW.
I'M LIKE A BARBER DOLL.
[ LAUGHTER ] SO, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM,
SWEETHEART?
>> WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR QUITE A WHILE AND OUR SEX LIFE HAS
GOTTEN A LITTLE PREDICTABLE.
MY HUSBAND WANTS TO TRY SEX TOYS.
>> SWEETIE, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SPEAK UP.
YOUR HUSBAND WANTS TO TRY WHAT?
>> TOYS.
>> WHAT?
>> SEX TOYS.
I WANT US TO TRY SEX TOYS.
>> YOU KNOW, LIKE THOSE BALLS ON A STICK.
>> OH, LIKE THOSE EGGS AND STUFF.
YEAH, YEAH.
DON'T WASTE YOUR MONEY.
HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.
GO IN YOUR BACKYARD.
LAY FACE DOWN AND STICK YOUR DING-*** THROUGH A HAMMOCK.
NOW, CALL YOUR WIFE OUT AND SAY, "HEY, I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING
INTERESTING UNDER THIS HAMMOCK." DOT, DOT, DOT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WE DON'T OWN A HAMMOCK.
>> WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.
YOU DUMP YOUR PROBLEMS ON ME.
I GIVE YOU SOMETHING THAT WORKS AND YOU GUYS JUST TURN UP YOUR
NOSE AT IT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME.
WHO'S NEXT?
HE HAS A PROBLEM THAT'S REALLY RELATABLE.
>> YES, I'M 55 AND I'M HAVING A LITTLE PROBLEM PERFORMING.
>> PERFORMING WHAT?
LIKE AN IMPROV GROUP?
>> NO.
I CAN'T GET AN ***.
>> WHAT, YOU CAN'T GET WHAT?
>> I SAID --
>> YOU GOT TO SPEAK UP, BUDDY.
IS THE MIKE ON?
>> IT'S ON.
>> I SAID I CAN'T MAINTAIN AN ***.
>> ONE DIRECTION?
>> NO, NO.
I CAN'T GET AN ***.
>> HE SAY HE CAN'T GET HIS *** HARD NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE
TRIES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND IT'S REALLY AFFECTING MY PARTNER.
>> WELL, WHERE IS SHE?
MAKE HER STAND UP.
[ LAUGHTER ] OH, BOY.
NO WONDER YOU CAN'T GET IT UP.
SHE LOOKS ROUGH.
YOU NEED SOME SLEEP, HONEY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE'S NOT A WOMAN.
HER NAME IS MARK.
>> OH, WE'RE DOING THE SAN FRANCISCO STYLE.
OKAY, LOOK.
JUST LAY YOUR DING-A-LING ON A POPSICLE STICK.
YOU KNOW, PUT A COUPLE OF RUBBER BANDS AROUND IT, AND SAY SORRY
IT'S NOT LIKE THE OLD DAYS BUT IT'S GOING TO HAVE TO DO.
AND THEN, I DON'T KNOW.
SHUT OFF THE LIGHTS AND HAVE AT IT.
>> YOU KNOW, DR. FASHUNTA WOULD NEVER BE SO CRASS.
YOU ARE TERRIBLE.
>> HEY, BUDDY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT AS IF YOU'RE TRYING TO PICK A FIGHT WITH ME,
YOU KNOW?
I DON'T KNOW.
TAKE YOUR FLOPPY *** AND GO HOME AND SIT IN THE KITCHEN.
[ LAUGHTER ] I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT?
>> COME ON, HONEY.
>> I'M A BIG FAN.
>> FINALLY, SOME APPRECIATION.
THANK YOU.
>> THIS IS JUDITH BEANS.
SHE'S 66 YEARS OLD AND HAS A QUESTION.
>> GOOD, GO.
>> I'M 66 AND I'M THINKING ABOUT COSMETIC SURGERY BECAUSE MY
*** ARE SAGGING.
>> YEAH, I SHOULD INTRODUCE THEM TO MY BALLS.
THEY WOULD HAVE A LOT TO TALK ABOUT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT DOESN'T HELP MY ***.
>> WELL, YOUR *** HAVE MY BALLS SYMPATHY.
GIVING THAT SIGNAL?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING.
ANYWAY, WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'RE GOING TO WATCH A MOVIE ABOUT HOW
THE *** AGES.
BOY, I WILL NOT BE PRESENT FOR THAT.
>> DO YOU LOVE CUTTING EDGE POLITICAL SATIRE?
DO YOU LIKE TO LAUGH AND THINK?
THEN YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN'T MISS CLINT EASTWOOD AND CHAIR.
THE COMEDY DUO THAT ROCKED THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION
IS TAKING THEIR ACT ON THE ROAD.
IT'S TWO FULL HOURS OF HIGHWAYS AND HIJINKS.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHUT UP?
WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP.
>> YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT TO MYSELF?
I DON'T THINK SO.
WHAT?
NO, YOU GO FIRST.
NO, NO, NO.
YOU GO FIRST.
>> NO SET TOUR DATES, NO PREDETERMINED SCRIPT.
THE LEGEND CLINT EASTWOOD PERFORMING ONE-HALF OF THE
CONVERSATION WITH A MISERABLE, IRRITATED AND FOUL MOUTHED
BARACK OBAMA.
IT'S A SHOW AUDIENCES ARE GIVING A SITTING OVATION.
>> I LOVED IT ALL, EVEN 45 MINUTES WHEN IT WAS JUST A CHAIR
ON STAGE WHEN CLINT SAT AT THE BACK AND ATE A ROTISSERIE
CLICKEN.
>> WHAT THE [ BLEEP ] IS THAT.
>> HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE IN THE HOT SEAT.
DON'T MISS CLINTON JIMMY CARTER.
>> THOSE HOSTAGES, THAT WAS GREAT.
>> MAYOR BLOOMBERG.
>> LET PEOPLE EAT SODA.
>> AND CHRIS CHRISTIE.
>> I THINK WE'LL NEED A BIGGER CHAIR.
>> AND OF COURSE, THERE'S THE MUSIC.
>> ♪ YOU SAY POTATO
♪ TOMATO
♪ LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF ♪
>>> ALL RIGHT. WELCOME BACK TO INTRODUCTION TO
♪ LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF ♪
PUPPETRY.
WE HAD A FUN MORNING MAKING OUR PUTS PUPPETS.
NOW, LET'S SEE IF WE CAN BRING THEM TO LIFE.
OKAY, I'M GOING TO CALL THIS GUY HERE, GOOBY.
ALL RIGHT, NOW LET'S TRY AND FIGURE OUT WHAT GOOBY'S VOICE
MIGHT SOUND LIKE.
LIKE MAYBE HE'S A LITTLE ***.
YOU'RE ***.
HEY, MAYBE I'M FROM QUEBEC SO I SOUND LIKE THIS, NO?
OKAY, THAT'S REALLY FUN.
THE POINT IS, TRY TO FIND A VOICE THAT YOU CONNECT WITH.
ALL RIGHT.
SO WHY DON'T YOU INTRODUCE YOURSELVES AGAIN AND
LET'S MEET YOUR PUPPETS.
>> HI, I'M JEFF.
AND HOWDY, I'M RANGER ROBBY.
YOU KNOW WHAT, I ALREADY WANT TO CHANGE THAT.
>> THAT'S JUST FINE.
WE'RE JUST FEELING THINGS OUT.
>> OKAY, HOW ABOUT YOU?
>> I'M BONNIE AND I'M NICKY.
I'M LIKE, TOTALLY INTO SHOPPING, LIKE SHOP TILL YOU DROP.
DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA!
CHARGE IT!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT'S FUN, NICKY.
AND YOU?
>> MY NAME IS ANTHONY PETER COLEMAN, FORMERLY
A PRIVATE FIRST CLASS, UNITED STATES ARMY, DISHONORABLE
DISCHARGE, MAY 19, 1983.
>> OKAY, AND ANTHONY, WHAT IS YOUR PUPPET'S NAME?
>> TONY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> CAN WE HEAR A LITTLE BIT FROM TONY?
>> GO AHEAD, TELL THEM WHAT HAPPENED.
THERE WAS A REBEL VILLAGE FIVE CLICKS DOWN THE ROAD.
[ LAUGHTER ] WORD CAME DOWN FROM THE TOP
BRASS, MAKE IT DISAPPEAR.
WE DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER.
WE WERE KIDS.
I WATCHED MYSELF AS I PICKED UP THE FLAME THROWER AND JUST WENT
OFF.
>> LET'S NOT GET TOO DEEP INTO OUR BACK STORIES JUST YET.
MAYBE START WITH SOME FUN SILLY FACTS, LIKE I'VE GOT A SWEET
WHAT ABOUT YOU RANGER
>> MY NOSE IS TICKLISH.
IS IT TOO LATE TO CHANGE THAT?
>> FINE.
ABSOLUTELY.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, NICKY?
>> I'M LIKE, SO INTO MY PHONE.
BUT I'M ALWAYS LIKE, TEXTING, TEXTING, TEXTING, LOL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NOBODY WAS LAUGHING OUT LOUD THAT DAY IN GRENADA.
[ LAUGHTER ] MANY PEOPLE WERE SAYING OMG.
BUT ME, I WAS SAYING TTYL TO MY INNOCENCE.
>> OKAY, LET'S KIND OF HIT THE RESET BUTTON HERE AND WE'LL GIVE
OUR PUPPETS TOTALLY NEW IDENTITIES.
ALL RIGHT.
LIKE MAYBE I'M A REAL NEW YORKER.
PIZZA, FORGET ABOUT IT.
ANTHONY, WHY DON'T YOU TRY A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CHARACTER
FOR TONY.
>> OKAY.
I LIKE TEXTING, SHOP TILL YOU DROP, DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA, CHARGE
IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY, THAT'S KIND OF BONNIE'S CHARACTER, THOUGHT, ISN'T IT?
YOU WANT TO TRY SOMETHING ELSE?
>> ALL RIGHT.
I'M CLARK.
I LIKE BISCUITS AND WAFFLES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT'S GREAT.
TELL US MORE ABOUT CLARK.
>> HE WAS ANOTHER GRUNT IN MY PLATOON.
[ LAUGHTER ] TOGETHER WE WENT HOUSE TO HOUSE
SPRAYING LIQUID DEATH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY.
>> WHY DON'T WE HAVE THESE GUYS ACT OUT SOME SCENES.
MAYBE MY GUY IS A REAL NERD, AND HE COULD SAY, EXCUSE
ME, SIR, CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE IN THIS FOREST I CAN PLUG IN MY
LAPTOP?
>> YOU GUYS ARE FRIENDS?
HOW NICE.
I HAD A FRIEND IN GRENADA CALLED HIM LITTLE TEETER.
ONE NIGHT, HE WOULDN'T STOP SCREAMING.
HE WAS GOING TO GIVE AWAY OUR POSITION.
I COVERED HIS MOUTH AND CHOKED HIM.
>> GUYS, LET'S BREAK IT UP.
LET'S GO AHEAD AND BREAK IT UP.
I'M GLAD YOU GUYS ARE GETTING IT.
OKAY?
BUT PLEASE DO NOT ACT OUT ANY *** SCENARIOS WITH EACH
OTHER'S PUPPETS.
ALL RIGHT?
NOW, IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE WE'VE HEARD FROM NICKY.
>> YEAH, GUYS.
LIKE, I'M RIGHT HERE.
DOESN'T ANYONE SEE ME?
>> I CLOCKED YOU THE MINUTE I WALKED IN THE DOOR.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU LOOKED LIKE THIS ONE ***
>> YOU'RE LIKE INTENSE.
>> IS THAT WHAT YOU LIKE, DADDY'S GIRL?
>> OKAY.
IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE HAVING SEX.
SO LET'S TAKE FIVE.
AND WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'LL TALK ABOUT PERFECTING YOUR
PUPPET'S HAT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> WEEKEND UPDATE WITH SETH MEYERS.
>>> FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M SETH MEYERS.
GOOD NIGHT!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] AFTER THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL
CONVENTION PRESIDENT OBAMA HAD A FOUR POINT BOUNCE IN THE POLLS,
WHICH MEANS HE'S NOW ONLY FOUR POINTS BEHIND BILL CLINTON.
PRESIDENT OBAMA JOKED BILL CLINTON WHO HAS BEEN CAMPAIGNING
FOR HIM SHOULD BE APPOINTED TO THE ROLL OF SECRETARY OF
EXPLAINING STUFF.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S ANOTHER GOOD NAME FOR THAT POSITION?
PRESIDENT.
A NEW REPORT SHOWS BOTH PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGNS SPENT
MORE THAN HALF THEIR ADVERTISING BUDGETS IN FLORIDA, OHIO AND
JOE BIDEN PROMISED THE REST TO MARCH.
THAT'S A PICTURE OF SOMEONE CAMPAIGNING.
IN A RECENT PROMOTION MITT ROMNEY IS OFFERING DONORS A
CHANCE TO WIN A RIDE ON HIS CAMPAIGN PLANE.
IF YOU KNOW HOW MITT ROMNEY TRAVELS, THIS IS ONE CONTEST YOU
DON'T WANT TO WIN.
>>> THIS WEEK THE NEW FILM "INNOCENCE OF MUSLIMS" IS
RELEASED, AND SO FAR, THE REVIEWS ARE NOT GREAT.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU GUYS KNOW YOUTUBE HAS A
COMMENT SECTION, RIGHT?
AN EASIER WAY OF GOING ABOUT IT.
>>> CHRIS BROWN GOT A TATTOO ON HIS NECK THIS WEEK OF WHAT SOME
PEOPLE SAY APPEARS TO BE A BATTERED WOMAN'S FACE.
YOU KNOW YOU'VE MADE A TERRIBLE DECISION WHEN HAVING A NECK
TATTOO IS THE SECOND WORST THING ABOUT YOUR NECK TATTOO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> RECENTLY BOTH THE REPUBLICAN AND DEMOCRATIC
NATIONAL CONVENTIONS AIRED TO LOWER RATINGS THAN REALITY SHOWS
SUCH AS TLC'S "HERE COMES HONEY BOO BOO."
HERE NOW WITH THEIR THOUGHTS ON THE ELECTION ARE
ALANA "HONEY BOO BOO CHILD" AND MAMA.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ LAUGHTER ]
SO ARE YOU GUYS SURPRISED THAT YOUR SHOW GOT HIGHER RATINGS
THAN THE CONVENTION?
>> WHEN YOU GO AGAINST US, YOU GOING TO LOSE YOUR BUTT!
>> YOU GO GIRL.
>> ARE YOU OKAY, MAMA?
>> I'M COOL AS A JUNE BUG.
I JUST ALWAYS LOOK LIKE A VIDEO THAT'S BEEN PAUSED IN A WEIRD
SPOT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SO, I HAVE TO ASK, DO YOU TWO SUPPORT OBAMA OR ROMNEY?
>> LIKE MOST AMERICANS, I SUPPORT WHOEVER IS THE MOST
GETS -- GLITZY, WHO EVER GOT PRETTIEST HAIR AND WHOEVER'S
GOING TO HELP ME GET SOME MONEY!
>> AND WHO DO YOU SUPPORT, MAMA?
>> OH, I'M GOING TO CONCENTRATE ON SUPPORTING MY OWN HEAD.
>> MAMA, DON'T SAY THAT.
>> HONEY BOO BOO --
>> OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
[ MUMBLING ] [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
EVEN THOUGH YOU BOTH SPEAK ENGLISH, YOUR SHOW IS MOSTLY
SUBTITLED.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ MUMBLING ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SO IF YOU COULD GIVE ADVICE TO EITHER OF THE CANDIDATES,
WHAT WOULD YOU TELL THEM?
>> I WOULD TELL THEM TO DRINK YOUR GO-GO JUICE, MOVE WHAT YOU
GOT HONEY BOO BOO AND ALWAYS BE TELLIN' OFF NO ONE IN
PARTICULAR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I WOULD TELL THE CANDIDATES TO TRY HARD.
BUT IF YOU LOSE THE PRESIDENCY, DON'T WORRY NONE.
ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS JOIN A WEREWOLF FAMILY OR FILL YOUR
HOUSE WITH CAT SKELETONS OR SOMETHING, AND TLC WILL JUST
HOOK YOU UP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> RYAN REYNOLDS AND BLAKE LIVELY WERE MARRIED THIS
IT'S NICE FOR THE COUPLE TO GO INTO A MARRIAGE KNOWING IT WON'T
BE THE WORST THING THEY HAVE EVER DONE TOGETHER.
>>> IT WAS REPORTED THAT AL PACINO IS IN TALKS TO PLAY
THE LATE PENN STATE FOOTBALL COACH JOE PATERNO IN A NEW
MOVIE.
THIS WILL BE PACINO'S SECOND FILM WITH THE LINE, "SAY HELLO
TO MY LITTLE FRIEND." [ LAUGHTER ]
[ AUDIENCE OHS ]
>>> ON THURSDAY, ESPN AIRED THE 50,000th EPISODE OF
"SPORTSCENTER." OF THAT DAY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> JCPENNEY ANNOUNCED A NEW PROMOTION OFFERING FREE KIDS
HAIRCUTS ON SUNDAYS FINALLY ANSWERING THE AGE OLD QUESTION,
MOM, ARE WE POOR?
>>> SEASON JUST GETTING UNDER WAY, HERE WITH A PREVIEW IS
OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST RYAN LOCHTE.
>> HEY, SETH.
I'M RYAN LOCHTE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SO, RYAN, YOU HAD A BUSY SUMMER.
>> YEAH, I WAS AMERICA IN OLYMPICS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHAT ARE SOME OF THE NEW SHOWS YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT.
>> THE FIRST ONE IS CALLED "MONKEY HOSPITAL."
[ LAUGHTER ] IT'S A SHOW ABOUT A MONKEY IN A
HOSPITAL.
IT'S SO FUNNY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH, BUT I THINK YOU MEAN "ANIMAL PRACTICE."
>> YEAH, THE MONKEY IS SO FUNNY.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT IT'S, LIKE, IT'S NOT FAIR
BECAUSE THEY GIVE HIM ALL THE BEST LINES TO THE AMONGST.
I GIVE IT THREE SWIMS.
>> OUT OF HOW MANY?
>> THREE.
>> SO, WHAT OTHER NEW SHOWS DO YOU LIKE?
>> I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THAT SHOW "GOON."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT'S ACTUALLY "GO ON." IT'S TWO WORDS.
>> OKAY.
WELL, YOU KNOW, EITHER WAY IT LOOKS REALLY GO-OD.
>> THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S ONE WORD.
>> OKAY.
I GIVE IT SIX SWIMS.
HEY, SETH, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW A SECRET?
>> OKAY.
>> IF YOU HOLD YOUR EAR UP TO MY EAR, YOU CAN HEAR THE OCEAN.
>> I THINK I'M OKAY FOR NOW.
>> SUIT YOURSELF.
[ LAUGHTER ] IT FEELS SO WEIRD TO BE DRY.
[ LAUGHTER ] JUICE.
>> WHAT?
>> JUICE.
>> YOU WANT JUICE?
OH, OKAY.
THERE YOU GO.
IS THAT BETTER?
>> YEAH.
>> ANY OTHER SHOWS?
>> THERE'S "ELEMENTARY" ON CBS.
I LIKE THAT SHOW BECAUSE I ENJOY COMPLEX CHARACTERS THAT USE THE
POWERS OF DEDUCTION TO SOLVE RIDDLES.
>> REALLY?
>> NO, I LIKE THE SHAPE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ANYTHING ELSE?
>> YEAH, I WAS WATCHING THIS ONE SHOW.
IT'S LIKE PARTWAY THROUGH, THERE'S ALL THESE OTHER LITTLE
SHOWS.
>> YOU KNOW, THOSE ARE COMMERCIALS.
>> THAT MAKES SENSE BECAUSE I WAS IN A BUNCH OF THEM.
>> GREAT.
WHAT ABOUT THE NEW SEASON OF AMERICAN DAD ON FOX.
>> I HEARD THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>>> A NEW REPORT SHOWS THAT MORE MIDDLE CLASS MEXICANS ARE
LOOKING FOR AND BUYING GOODS THAT ARE STAMPED "MADE IN THE
USA," WHILE MORE MIDDLE CLASS AMERICANS CONTINUE TO BUY GOODS
THAT ARE STAMPED "FLAVOR BLASTED."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> AN 18-YEAR-OLD GAY FOOTBALL PLAYER AT THE NORTH DAKOTA STATE
COLLEGE OF SCIENCE IS SAYING THAT HE WAS KICKED OFF THE TEAM
AFTER HE WAS SEEN KISSING HIS 65-YEAR-OLD BOYFRIEND.
REPLIED THE 65-YEAR-OLD MAN, "WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
BOYFRIEND?" [ LAUGHTER ]
"WE'RE HAVING FUN, BUT --" I'M NOT INTO LABELS.
>>> A CALIFORNIA FARMER IS POWERING HIS FARM USING WALNUT
SHELLS.
IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHICH FARM IT IS, IT'S THE ONE WITH NO
POWER.
>>> A GROWING NUMBER OF AGING MOTORCYCLE ENTHUSIASTS ARE
TRADING IN THEIR TRADITIONAL TWO-WHEEL FOR STEADIER AND MORE
COMFORTABLE TRIKES.
IT'S A GREAT WAY TO TELL THE WORLD, "YES, I HAVE A SMALL
***.
AND NO, IT DOESN'T WORK THAT GREAT."
>>> THIS ELECTION YEAR REPUBLICANS ARE TRYING HARDER
THAN EVER TO COURT LATINO VOTERS.
HERE WITH HER PERSPECTIVE IS A GET OUT THE VOTE VOLUNTEER FROM
FLORIDA MINIMUM MINIMUM MORALES.
OKAY, IT IS, LIKE, SO GREAT TO BE HERE TO TALK ABOUT POLITICS.
LIKE, I'M ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT THIS STUFF ANYWAYS AND ALL MY
FRIENDS ARE LIKE, "SHUT UP."
>> THAT'S GREAT.
AND I'M SORRY.
WHO IS THAT?
>> THAT'S MY BOYFRIEND.
HE'S DOMINICAN.
STOP IT.
STOP IT.
DON'T.
>> ALL RIGHT.
SO MIMI, LET'S TALK ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF THE LATINO VOTE.
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M TRYING TO DO, OKAY?
THANK YOU.
SO THIS ELECTION IS SO IMPORTANT.
DON'T.
[ LAUGHTER ] THIS ELECTION IS SO IMPORTANT
FOR LATINO -- DON'T!
STOP IT.
>> DO YOU GUYS NEED A SECOND?
>> NO, I'M SORRY.
HE'S, LIKE, SO STUPID ALL THE TIME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THEN WHY WOULD YOU BRING HIM WITH YOU ON TELEVISION?
>> HE IS, LIKE, SO PROTECTIVE, SETH.
I LOVE THAT.
THAT'S, LIKE, A DOMINICAN THING, THOUGH, YOU KNOW?
THAT'S, LIKE, A MAN.
>> MIMI, WHAT'S YOUR OPINION ON OBAMA'S PROPOSED DREAM ACT?
>> I KNOW THIS ONE.
I LIKE THE DREAM ACT BUT NOT ALL IMMIGRATION.
I HAVE SOME UNCLES RIGHT NOW WHO SHOULD NOT BE HERE.
SO, LIKE, I WOULD VOTE FOR OBAMA, THOUGH, BECAUSE HE'S,
LIKE, FUNNY.
BUT I ALSO LIKE ROMNEY 'CAUSE HE'S ALSO FUNNY, BUT, LIKE, IN A
DIFFERENT WAY, LIKE, HOW MY COUSIN IS FUNNY 'CAUSE HE'S,
LIKE, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM.
[ LAUGHTER ] QUIT.
DON'T.
>> MIMI, DID YOU EVEN WATCH THE CONVENTION SPEECHES?
>> YES.
BUT, LIKE, HONESTLY, I WAS REALLY DISTRACTED.
'CAUSE DID YOU SEE CHRIS CHRISTIE?
OH, MY GOD, HE WAS, LIKE, SO BIG, SETH.
DID YOU SEE HIM?
HE WAS LIKE THE END OF "GHOSTBUSTERS."
YOU KNOW, LIKE THAT MARSHMALLOW SAILOR AT THE END OF
"GHOSTBUSTERS." HE WAS, LIKE, STOMPING ALL OVER
TAMPA.
[ LAUGHTER ] THAT IS, LIKE, DANGEROUS WHEN
YOU ARE SO BIG AND SO ANGRY.
YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU NEED TO TELL HIM, SETH.
>> YEAH, NO, I'M NOT GOING TO TELL HIM THAT.
>> SETH, DO YOU LIKE LATINO WOMEN?
>> YEAH, I DON'T --
>> EVERYBODY DOES, SETH.
DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
'CAUSE, LIKE, MY COUSIN, LITTLE SQUEAKIE IS SINGLE NOW.
BUT SHE'S, LIKE, REALLY NICE, BUT SHE'S, LIKE, REALLY
AGGRESSIVE.
LIKE, SHE HAS THIS NECK TATTOO WITH A SNAKE WITH THE FACE OF
JESUS.
[ LAUGHTER ] HE'S SO SCARED OF HER.
LOOK AT HIS FACE.
MOSTLY FAIR MIMI, WHAT WOULD ROMNEY HAVE TO DO TO GET YOUR
VOTE.
>> OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
LIKE, MORMONS ARE A LOT LIKE LATINOS, SETH.
DON'T.
LIKE, MY DAD, HE WISHES HE COULD HAVE A BUNCH OF WIVES, BUT MY
MOM IS LIKE, "NO." SO, BASICALLY, LIKE IN SUMMARY,
THIS NOVEMBER LATINOS NEED TO VOTE.
>> WHO ARE YOU VOTING FOR?
>> I CAN'T VOTE, I'M 17.
>> ALL RIGHT.
MIMI MORALES, EVERYONE.
>>> FOR THESE EIGHT WEEKS YOU WILL DO WHAT I SAY WHEN I SAY IT
OR I WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE A LIVING HELL.
DO I MAKE MYSELF PERFECTLY CLEAR YOU PANSIES?
>> YES, SIR!
>> TEXAS, YOU GETTING ALL THIS?
>> ABSOLUTELY, SIR!
>> I WANT A SIMPLE YES, SIR OR NO, SIR.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT PRIVATE.
>> YES, SIR!
>> DO I STUTTER?
>> NO, SIR!
>> LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE STORY.
IN MY LAST PLATOON, I DIDN'T LIKE HOW ONE PRIVATE RESPONDED
TO MY QUESTIONS.
SO I BROKE HIS ARM AND SENT HIM HOME.
AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR, TEXAS?
>> YES, SIR!
>> DO I STUTTER?
>> NO, SIR!
>> LET ME TELL YOU ANOTHER STORY.
WHEN I WAS IN GRADE SCHOOL I HAD A TERRIBLE STUTTER.
I WAS HARASSED AND I WAS BULLIED EVERY DAY.
I DID YEARS OF SPEECH THERAPY.
BUT NO THERAPIST PROMISES FLUENCY, MERELY IMPROVEMENT.
MONROE, ARE YOU ABLE TO FOLLOW MY LITTLE STORY?
>> YES, SIR!
>> DO I STUTTER?
>> NO, SIR!
>> I DON'T?
>> NO, SIR!
>> AND YOU WOULD FEEL COMFORTABLE TELLING ME IF I DID,
DESPITE OUR VASTLY DIFFERENT STATUS.
>> YES, SIR!
>> HAVE I MADE IT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR TO YOU LADIES THAT I AM
ASKING FOR HONESTY?
>> YES, SIR!
>> AND YOU'RE SAYING I DON'T STUTTER, RIGHT?
>> NO, SIR!
YES, SIR!
>> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
WHICH ONE OF YOU SAID YES, SIR, STEP FORWARD.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT I DO STUTTER RICHARDS?
>> SIR, I WAS SAYING YES YOU DON'T STUTTER, SIR!
THE QUESTION WAS WORDED IN SUCH A WAY THAT IT WAS HARD TO TELL
IF YES OR NO WAS THE CORRECT ANSWER SIR!
>> THE CORRECT ANSWER IS THE HONEST ONE, YOU MAGGOT!
HOW ABOUT YOU MONROE?
DO YOU AGREE WITH RICHARDS?
WAS THE QUESTION CONFUSING?
>> UMM.
>> DO I STUTTER?
>> A LITTLE BIT THAT TIME, SIR!
>> THAT WASN'T A STUTTER, MONROE, I WAS DECIDING BETWEEN
WORDS.
CAN YOU TELL A DIFFERENCE?
>> YES, SIR!
MY MISTAKE, SIR!
>> YOU STAND DOWN.
YOU SISSIES ARE THE WORST UNIT I'VE EVER SEEN.
FIX THAT COLLAR.
HAVEN'T YOU EVER LEARNED HOW -- HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED HOW TO DRESS
YOURSELF.
♪ HAVE YOU LEARNED TO DRESS YOURSELF ♪
♪ DRESS YOURSELF ♪
♪ DRESS YOURSELF ♪
>> ♪ YES, I HAVE AND I APOLOGIZE ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
AND THAT GOES FOR ALL OF YOU.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
I AM NOT YOUR -- F -F -F -
OH, I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T QUITE CATCH THAT!
I WANT YOU TO SAY THAT AGAIN!
>> NOTHING, SIR!
I'M SORRY, SIR!
>> I DIDN'T ASK FOR AN APOLOGY, PRIVATE!
I TOLD YOU REPEAT IT.
IS THAT CLEAR?
>> YES, SIR!
>> DO I -- STUTTER?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I MEAN, YOU JUST --
>> YOU -- YOU -- YOU -- SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE GOT THE STUTTER
PROBLEM.
MAYBE I'M NOT THE ONE WITH THE --
MAYBE I'M NOT THE ONE WITH THE SPEECH THING, PRIVATE.
YOU OTHER MAGGOTS AGREE THAT HOWELL IS THE ONE WITH THE
PROBLEM?
>> YES, SIR!
>> REPEAT AFTER ME.
MY SERGEANT DOES NOT -- STUTTER.
>> MY SERGEANT DOES NOT -- STUTTER!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NOW DROP AND GIVE ME -- DROP AND GIVE ME --
GIVE ME FIVE AND FIVE AND FIVE AND FIVE AND FIVE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> OKAY.
WELCOME BACK TO STEVE HARVEY, MY NEW DAYTIME SHOW WHERE I GIVE
YOU THE REAL.
I WANT TO THANK PAUL THE PRIMATE MAN AT THE LINCOLN PARK ZOO FOR
SHARING THE ANIMALS WITH US.
AND I HAVE A CORRECTION.
THE ANIMAL I WAS HOLDING WAS CALLED A MARMOSET, NOT A POCKET
MONKEY.
[ LAUGHTER ] A MARMOSET.
COME ON NOW.
OKAY.
LET'S GO TO OUR WEEKLY STYLE MAKEOVER.
♪♪
OKAY.
HOW ARE YOU DOING, DARLING?
>> I'M GOOD, STEVE.
I LOVE YOUR SUIT.
>> YOU LIKE THIS SUIT?
LET ME HE TELL YOU SOMETHING, STRIPES ARE SLIMMING.
I TRY TO HAVE PINSTRIPES FOR EVERY YEAR I'VE BEEN ON THIS
EARTH.
SO THIS SUIT HAS 550 STRIPES.
NOW, JENNIFER, I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH YOUR MAN.
>> YES.
I LOVE CRAIG BUT HE'S NOT THE BEST DRESSED GUY.
>> LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT CRAIG.
LORD HAVE MERCY.
>> I MEAN, HE'S GREAT, I JUST WANT HIM TO HAVE MORE STYLE.
>> WELL, YOU CAME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.
WE TOOK CRAIG AND WE GAVE HIM OUR STYLE MAKEOVER.
HERE HE IS.
LET'S BRING OUT CRAIG.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> SAY HEY TO THE PEOPLE.
>> HEY, EVERYBODY.
>> NOW, DON'T HE LOOK GREAT?
>> IT'S A LITTLE BRIGHT.
I FEEL LIKE AN IRANIAN D.J.
>> WELL, THAT'S GOOD.
THAT MEANS YOU ARE A PLAYER.
PLAYERS MAKE THE WORLD GO AROUND.
LET ME BREAK DOWN CRAIG'S LOOK FOR YOU ALL.
FIRST, THE SUIT GOT TO BE BRIGHT.
YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO DISAPPEAR INTO A TUB OF STEEL.
THEN HE'S GOT A GOOD LONG VEST UNDERNEATH HIS JACKET.
YOU WANT A VEST THAT STARTS AT YOUR LOINS AND WORKS IT'S WAY UP
TO YOUR CHEST.
JUST UNDERNEATH THAT TIE THAT HAS A BIGGER KNOT THAN YOUR
FACE.
AND THEN HE'S GOT A SIGNATURE STEVEN HARVEY THREE-POINTED
POCKET SQUARE.
I LIKE A POCKET SQUARE THAT HAS THREE *** LIKE THE GIRL IN
PUERTO RICO. LOOK AT HIS MUSTACHE.
>> IT'S A LITTLE BIG.
>> WELL, IT SHOULD BE.
YOU SEE, YOU WANT A MUSTACHE THAT GOES ALL THE WAY AROUND
YOUR MOUTH THAT FRAMES IT LIKE A FRAME.
THAT WAY WHEN YOU SMILE, IT'S A SURPRISE.
SEE WATCH.
NOW YOU TRY.
THROUGH YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO.
YOU LOOK GREAT, CRAIG.
THAT IS OUR SIGNATURE STYLE MAKEOVER.
♪♪
SO HOW YOU LIKE HIS NEW LOOK, DARLING?
>> IT EXCITING.
I FEEL LIKE I'M DATING A *** TRACY VILLIAN.
>> WELL, AFTER CRAIG'S MAKEOVER, WE SENT THESE TWO OUT ON A DATE.
YOU WANT TO TELL US ABOUT THAT?
>> YEAH.
WE TOOK ALL OF YOUR RECOMMENDATIONS.
WE STARTED AT RESTAURANT CALLED MAHOGANY WHICH FEATURES COMFORT
FOOD AND R&B MUSIC FROM THE '70s.
WE ATE STEWED OKRA AND AN EARTH WIND & FIRE COVER BAND CALLED
DIRT, WIND, AND HEAT.
>> MAHOGANY.
I HOST THE GOSPEL BRUNCH THERE TUESDAY.
>> THEY KNEW YOU THERE.
WE HAD THE STEVE HARVEY SUNDAE.
>> A SCOOP OF ICE CREAM WEARING A TINY FEDORA.
>> I BELIEVE WE HAVE A PICTURE.
>> THEN WE HAD TO GO HOME BECAUSE I KEPT GETTING MOBBED BY
PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT I WAS THE WHITE GUY IN BOYZ II MEN UNTIL
THEY REALIZED THERE WAS NO WHITE GUY IN BOYZ II MEN.
>> NO WHITE GUY IN BOYZ II MEN.
WELL, SINCE CRAIG AND JENNIFER'S DATE WENT SO WELL WE ARE SENDING
THEM ON AN ALL EXPENSES PAID VACATION.
>> WOW.
>> REALLY?
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
CRAIG, JENNIFER YOU'RE GOING TO SEE THE AFRICAN PREMIER OF
"THINK LIKE A MAN" IN DECALE, SENAGAL.
THAT'S OVER IN AFRICA.
WE'RE GOING TO PROVIDE YOU WITH ALL INOCULATIONS AND 24-HOUR
ARMED SECURITY.
HOW IS THAT?
>> GREAT.
>> I'M NOT GOING TO SAY NO ON TV IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY.
>>> COMING UP ON STEVE HARVEY, CAN HOT SAUCE PREVENT IMPOTENCE?
WE'LL SEE.
STAY WITH US.
>>> SO TAKE A LOOK AT THE MENU AND LET ME KNOW IF YOU HAVE ANY
QUESTIONS.
>> THANK YOU.
>> I'M SO GLAD WE'RE DOING THIS.
>> I'VE NEVER BEEN ON A BLIND DATE.
I'M LIKE, THIS IS WEIRD.
>> MY BUDDIES ARE LIKE, YOU YOU'VE GOT TO METER HER.
>> MY FRIEND KELLI IS LIKE HE'S SO GREAT.
I WAS LIKE, ARE YOU SURE.
>> WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
I'M LIKE TOM BROKAW.
>> HELLO, TOM, THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'M BOARD, A DATE.
>> OKAY.
SO WHAT CAN I GET YOU TWO.
>> I'M ALL HUNGRY, I THINK I'LL HAVE A STEAK.
I'LL HAVE ONE OF YOUR FINEST STEAKS SIR.
>> I'LL HAVE A SALAD.
LOOK AT ME, I'M LIKE A TINY BIRD.
>> I'M LIKE THIS NEEDS TO STOP.
>> UH-OH, HE'S ALL, "I HATE THESE PEOPLE."
>> I KNOW, HE'S ALL LIKE, "YO, MAN --"
NO, YOU KNOW, I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT ONE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> EXCUSE ME.
SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.
I JUST WANT TO SAY, I LOVE YOUR DRESS.
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> IT'S ADORABLE.
LISTEN TO ME, I'M ALL, "I WANT TO BECOME YOU."
ANYWAY, BYE.
>> BYE.
>> I REALLY LOVE THIS RESTAURANT.
>> ME, TOO.
IT'S MY FAVORITE.
I'M ALL LIKE, HURRY, COME ON DOWN TO JOE'S CRAB SHACK.
I HAVE THE WORST LAUGH.
LISTEN TO ME.
I'M LIKE --
>> I KNOW, I'M LIKE --
>> I'M LIKE, I'M LIKE --
>> I'M LIKE --
>> I KNOW, I'M LIKE --
>> HEY BRIAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> OH HEY MAN, I'M ON A DATE ACTUALLY.
>> YOU'RE ON A DATE?
LISTEN TO ME, I'M ALL LIKE, "NEVER BEFORE HAVE WE SEEN THIS
SPECIES MATING IN THE WILD?" [ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH MAN, LOOK AT HIS FACE, "HE'S ALL LIKE, MOM, GET OUT OF
MY ROOM."
>> ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
GET OUT OF HERE.
GET OUT OF HERE.
>> BYE.
>> THOSE GUYS, THEY RIDE ME JUST BECAUSE I WAS A NERD IN HIGH
SCHOOL.
>> SO WAS MY SISTER.
SHE USED TO BE ALL, "CALCULATOR, PLEASE."
AND NOW SHE'S LIKE -- [ LAUGHTER ]
>> SHE'S DEAD?
>> YEAH.
SHE WAS ALL, "AHH!
CAR!" [ LAUGHTER ]
>> WOULD YOU LIKE SOME WATER?
>> WELL SURE.
>> OH, HELL, NO.
NOW YOU'RE ALL MAKING FUN OF GAYLE.
>> YEAH, THIS IS HOW I TALK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALL RIGHT!
PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM.
GET ON THE FLOOR AND THROW ME YOUR WALLETS, PLEASE.
>> MY GOD, LISTEN TO ME.
PLEASE.
I'M LIKE, "PLEASE SIR, COULD YOU SPARE SOME CHANGE?"
I'M SORRY.
AS YOU WERE.
>> SO SCARY.
I JUST RAN INTO TO YOUR ARMS LIKE, "SAVE ME YOU BIG HUNK OF
MAN."
>> I KNOW, AND NOW YOU'RE HERE ALL LIKE, "GIGITY GIGGITY
GIGGITY GOO." [ LAUGHTER ]
>> EWW, DON'T DO "FAMILY GUY" WE'RE 30.
>> OKAY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I'M ELIJAH YODER.
>> AND I'M EZEKIEL YODER.
OUR FAMILY HAS BEEN MAKING AND TRADING WOODEN SPOONS FOR
OVER 100 SUMMERS.
>> NOW THANKS TO A CONVERSATION MY BROTHER HAD WITH A FAST
TALKING CONCRETE MAN, YOU CAN NOW PURCHASE OUR WOODEN SPOONS
ON SOMETHING CALLED INTERNET.
>> TO SEE OUR WOODEN SPOONS, JUST SELECT THESE SYMBOLS ON
>> VALLEY, FLYING FRECKLE, FLYING BIRD, OWL'S EYE, FROG'S
LEG, SPRINGLESS HARP, BROKEN LADDER, HURT SNAKE, FINE SNAKE,
FAT SNAKE.
OWL'S EYES, HURT SNAKE, DOUBLE VALLEY, LEAN TO, FAT SNAKE WITH
A SEX ***.
UNFINISHED, HORSE BRIDGE, CHILD'S TOY, FOOL'S ***.
THE RIVER WHAT TOOK MY SON.
THE THREE-FINGERED MAN.
DOT-COM.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> ALL RIGHT.
THANKS TO FRANKIE OCEAN, PSY, AWESOME CREW, CAST, WRITERS.
YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.