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Venerable Hasapanna: [first minute cut off] and if I'm going to give a talk next Friday,
and it will be a baaad Friday.
Audience: [laughter]
Venerable Hasapanna: So I tell him, OK, since I have a choice, so I choose the Good Friday.
[laughter] So, actually, I have a request that today to give a talk about to have loving
kindness towards oneself. This person request that because they heard a lot Ajahn Brahm
about loving kindness, but they would like to hear from the female monastic, the perspective,
how they push this loving kindness because we are definitely different: female and male
is different. How female push this loving kindness, practice loving kindness, and male
is different, is totally different.
So, today I would like to talk about how to practice this loving kindness, especially
towards oneself. So, I would like to start with a quote from the Digha Nikaya, the suttas.
So, when the Buddha is going to pass away, his Mahaparinibbana Sutta. Ananda his attendant,
he was very sad, and he went back to his kuti, and he's weeping. He's very sad, and he cry.
And Buddha asked, "Where is Ananda?" And they say, "OK because Ananda is very sad, because
Ananda is still a sotapanna, he's not enlightened yet." And they say, "Oh, because of Ananda
is very sad, and he's went back to his hut, and he's weeping." And the Buddha said, "Please
ask him to come, and see me." So, the Buddha asked, and Ananda come to Buddha. So, the
Buddha said to Ananda, "Ananda, live an island unto yourself. You take yourself as your own
refuge. No one else is a refuge." So, he said that "I have been teaching you all the teaching.
It's all there. All this year I have teach you. So, now you need to do that. You have
to put into practice. You have to help yourself."
The teacher can only show the way. Ultimately, we are the one who free ourselves, who liberate
ourself, and no one else can help us. We come into this world alone. We don't bring anyone
with us. So, when we leave this world, alone.
So, who is going to hold our hand when the moment comes if we don't even care for our
own well-being? So our own well-being is the priority. We have to take care of our own
well-being, and to have this loving kindness, and compassion towards ourselves. Talk about
the priority. Our own well being is the priority. So, talk about the priority, and this remind
me of a joke because one of my anagarikas, she said to me, "Oh, Venerable Hasapanna,
your joke is really bad though." But at one point, I was quite serious. I always give
a talk about the suttas, and I didn't crack any jokes. She immediately said, "Please,
Venerable Hasapanna, don't stop," [laughs] "Don't stop the bad jokes." So she miss it.
So, actually, this joke is not that bad. Actually, it's quite appropriate regarding priority,
what we think is the most important things in life.
This story goes like that. A man -- and he got a ticket into this grand final. It was
very difficult to get a ticket into this grand final, and he was so lucky; he was so happy
that he's so fortunate that he got the ticket into this grand final.
He went in there. He got his seat. It was a perfect seat.
I know someone sitting behind there is perfect, and this person [laughter] he's showing him
that he's perfect. This person, he was so happy that he just couldn't believe he got
a very nice seat. Then he sat down and he looked around. The seat next to him was vacant.
Then he said, is this possible? How come it's vacant because it's so difficult to get a
ticket?
Then he asked the man next to him, "Do you know if there is anyone sitting next to me?"
Then the man said, "No."
"Sir, how do you know there's no one sitting next to you?" He said, "Yes, I know because
I was supposed to come with my wife, and she just passed away a few days ago."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear about that."
But he was so happy that he couldn't get worried. Then he just said that "It's a shame that
the seat vacant. It's so difficult to get the ticket." Then he said, "Can't you find
someone to replace your wife? It's a shame to leave the seat empty, vacant."
Then the man said, "No, I can't find anyone."
He said, "No? How about your friends or your relatives?"
"No, I can't find any of my friends and relatives because they're all at the funeral."
[laughter]
So, to someone footy is important. For them, this Grand Final is much more important than
anything else. So, we have to know the priorities and look after ourselves: like all of you
here, instead of going somewhere else, you choose to come here, and to you the priority
is the Dhamma; it's a wholesome thing.
So, it's important we know that this is the most important thing that is take care of
ourselves. If you don't look after ourselves, who is going to look after ourself? If you
can't look after ourself, we do not expect others to look after ourself. So the most
emphasis to practice this loving kindness, that is, start from within ourself, start
from ourself first.
So, we work with the openness, the connectedness, and the recognition that is the goodness within
ourselves. And the Buddha said, "You can't find someone - you can search the whole entire
world to find someone that really deserves your love, your care, more than yourself:
that someone cannot be found." There's no one that deserves all your love; that is yourself.
You are the one who deserves your own love, your compassion, your care than anyone else.
So, practice this loving kindness without the foundation, you have to love within oneself,
and you experience a sense of lesser self-esteem, less of the self worth, the worthiness: "I
am terrible." Sometimes we tend to bring ourselves down, and making other people big, and that's
why we have to have this loving kindness within ourselves first.
That's why it's very important, whatever we practice, we pick up any practice, to me,
I -- personally I always base on the four principles.
The first principle is why is it important that I -- to practice this loving kindness
towards oneself. I have to understand what, understand this loving kindness: what is loving
kindness. Whenever you take up any practice, you have to know what it is. It's just like
the products. You buy something: you have to know why you need it. Then you know to
-- you have to know what is this product all about. You have to understand that. Then you
have to know how to do it, how to apply it, and what you can get out of it: what is the
benefit of this.
So, you have to base on these four principles. So, the first one is important. We have to
look after ourselves first, because towards the end of our life, if you are not at ease
and at peace with ourselves -- because we are the one who have to move onto next journey,
it's no one -- if we can't stand ourselves, then it's very bad because we ourself, our
own mind, is our own intimate companion. We take this with us. We take our kamma with
us, so that's why it's important that we start with oneself.
The next step is, the next principle is, what is loving kindness? So, loving kindness is
to cultivate for oneself the experience of unconditional love within oneself. You generate
that within oneself. You look at your own lovingness, your own goodness within yourself,
and you re-teach yourself. You have to generate. You experience that unconditional love within
yourself first.
This loving kindness is not technique to repress one's life pains or your emotion. Afflictive
emotions is not to use the loving kindness because lots of people think, "Oh, I need
some loving kindness," and then you try to -- doesn't work that way. You think that I
try to use loving kindness to get rid of my anger. It doesn't work that way because you
can't get rid of the anger.
So, the Buddha said "You can never appease anger by anger" because you try to get rid
of things. We can't get rid of things. We can't get rid of the anger, so it's not a
technique to repress ourself. So we have to have understanding. And also we have to base
the understanding on that everyone in the world just wants to be happy, every single
being including ourself! Sometimes we tend to exclude ourself: we think that other people
is more important than we. Sometimes we create this, we identify ourselves being kind, being
compassionate.
I have a friend, and she's very kind. She's very helpful, and she have all the time for
everyone except herself. She's so helpful to anyone, everyone but -- except herself.
She's very ah.. -- this loving kindness is not like that you try to go out to knock on
other people's door not on other people's door: you need loving kindness? You need help?
But actually, it's a way to opening our heart. It's like to -- opening our barriers. Like
this -- a loving kindness is like to melt down the barriers within ourselves and others.
We use it to identify ourself: this is me, and our immediate family, our extended family.
It's still me and still mine. My country, and still me, and mine. That is the barrier.
So that is the separations between ourselves and others. I remember when some years ago
when I was in Singapore, and someone asked, someone come up to me and said to me, she
said, "I tried to practice loving kindness. I tried to send loving kindness so hard. I
tried so hard sending this loving kindness, and I become so exhausted after the end of
the meditation." Then I say, "You have nothing to give!"
Actually, loving kindness is just melting the barriers between you and others. Actually,
you're opening the door of your heart. You allow people to come to you, and not to be
so needy to go out grab people that "I'm trying to help you. I'm a kind person" -- it's not.
But you're opening your heart; you allow people to come in. There is no barrier. There's no
separation. That's what means loving kindness.
This friend, she's been identifying herself as being a kind person so much, and she have
no time for herself. She got so exhausted and so stressed out. It's just like she like
to knock on people's doors: "Do you need loving kindness? Or, do you need some compassion?"
Some people might say, "Oh, yes, please. I want one of those loving kindness, or one
of those compassion." Some people say, "Oh, no." Some polite ones say, "Oh, no, thank
you." Some, the not polite one, they say -- they will slam door: "No thank you!" just slam
the door. So this is how like she's -- the way she complain to me, like "I've been so
kind, and sometimes not being appreciated." I said, "You are being so needy." I said,
"It's nothing wrong being kind and being compassion, but you have to have the wisdom. "
It remind me when I was in Malaysia, and I was visiting one of the temple, and they asked
me to speak to a group of children. It was about ten of them. So I was telling them the
Jataka Tales about the monkey, the monkey story. This story is about a gardener. Because
there's a festive season, he want to go back to visit the family. But he can't go back
because he need to look after the garden. He need to water the garden, and he looked
-- he need to take care of the garden because the plants need watering. So -- and this monkey
because in the garden there's a group of monkey living around the garden -- so this monkey
is very kind. He said, "OK. I can help you to water the plant, then you can go back to
see your families. You just leave it to me." So "OK. Well, since you volunteered to help
me, OK." So this gardener went back to see the family. So, this group of monkey, they
started to water the plants. They said, "Oh, how are we going to water the plant? How much
water should we put into this plant?"
Some of them said, "Oh, we had better save water; if not, not enough of water for all
these days. We need to catch the water to water the plants. So in order to save the
water, we'd better pull out the plants and look at the roots, how deep it is. If it's
deeper one, we put more water. If the roots more shallow, so we put less."
So of course, all the plants die. So, when I tell this story and I ask the questions.
I ask the kids, I said "What's wrong with this monkey? Is it wrong to be kind, to be
helpful, to be compassionate?" He said, "No." I said, "What's wrong with that?"
I was so impressed. One little girl is about eight years old, and she put up her hand.
She said, "Because this monkey have no wisdom." [laughter]
Audience: [laughter]
Sister Hasapanna: And I was so impressed: eight-years-old girl. I mean sometimes kindness
and compassion without the wisdom can become very destructive. That's why it's very important
to have the right understanding -- what is loving kindness. Sometimes we tend to identify
ourselves with being kind, being loving, being gentle. Sometimes we just care for anyone
else except ourself, and we have no kindness towards ourself. Actually, it's just we identify
who we are, the initial who we are. That's why it's important to have the right understanding
to start with to know what is loving kindness.
Loving kindness is the unconditional love. So you have to feel within yourself first.
You have to feel this loving kindness within one's self. It's important.
It reminds me -- this loving kindness, opposite of loving kindness there is anger, hatred.
So, the Buddha said "Greed is less blameable. Hatred is blameable. Delusions is very blameable."
But he said the first one, greed, is less blameable and is very difficult to remove.
The hatred is blameable, but it's easy to remove.
Delusion is very blameable and is very difficult to remove, so that's why not to worry if you
have lots of anger. It doesn't matter because it's easy to remove. So because we don't want
to be an angry person, isn't it? Because you feel unpleasant. Then you try to work with
that. You try to work with these unpleasant feelings. Because, the opposite of loving
kindness, that is hatred, anger. People try to work with that because all of us don't
want to be an angry person.
Also, remind me another story about a monk because he have lots of anger, and he wanted
to practice metta, loving kindness, to overcome his anger. So he spent a few years on an island
and in solitary seclusion to practice loving kindness. After a few years, he come back.
He said, "I know no more anger. I do not feel angry any more." So his fellow monastic started
to test him out. He say, "How do you know that you have no anger?"
"I know through my own practice. After all these years of practice, I know that I have
no anger any more."
"I do not believe you that you have no anger. How do you know?"
He said, "I know. I know for myself and all these year." Then he said, "Oh, no, I don't
believe you." And he kept on pestering him: "How do I know? Maybe you're just a hypocrite.
How do I know that you really have no anger?"
He said, "Yes.. I know through my own experience that I have no anger.."
This fellow monastic wouldn't let him go, and he keeps asking him, "How do I know that
you have no anger?"
Then he said, "Through my own experience, I know that I have no ANGER!" [laughter]
So, that's right, we can test our mind, you know? At least that this person don't -- when
he's angry, he didn't even know that he's angry. Actually, it remind me of a little
girl some years -- some times ago. Her mother asked her to come to talk to me. She's about
15. Then I asked her, "What's your problem?" I look at her, I say, "What's your problem?"
She said, "I'm a very angry person. I have lots of anger. I always get upset with my
sister. I'm so angry with her."
I look at her, I said, "Oh, very good!"
She was so surprised, she look at me, why I said that it's very good?
Actually, I said -- sometimes -- I said, I told her, I said, "You know what the Buddha
say? The Buddha said, 'If a fool know that he is a fool, he's still wise to that extent.
If a fool think that he's wise, he's indeed a fool."
I said, "At least you recognise that. You recognise that this is something that you
have to work with, and you take delight in that." And I encourage her that we acknowledge
it, we not try to push it away and try to deny, but we acknowledge that we have this
anger; this is something that we need to work with.
Just like this hatred, anger that is a far enemy of loving kindness because we can really
see it because it's far. But one of the enemies of this loving kindness that is very subtle,
that is very, very difficult to remove, and that is the near enemy of loving kindness,
that is attachment. We can't see the attachment. That is we attached to ourself.
In the world, we think that attachment is love. If we attach to someone enough that
means we love that person so much. Actually, it's not. That's why sometimes because we
attached to someone -- and you can see sometimes, like some couples they love their wives so
much, when the wife left them, they kill their wife. Because come from the attachment. The
same intensity when the intensity of their attachment give rise to the same intensity
of their ill-will because you can't get what you want; you lost someone. This is what you
want, your desires, and the same intensity that is attachment, then we think that we
should for example, our love pass away - we feel guilty if we don't feel sad. We think
that we should feel sad; we should feel grief. I mean we identify that we have this attachment.
Sometimes we attachment to ourself more than anyone else, and that's why that is not loving
kindness. Lots of people think that when I talk about, oh, priority, you have to look
after yourself first, you have to loving kindness towards yourself, but it's not the attachment
towards ourself. And it remind me some years ago I talked to my family, and I went back
to my hut, and my mind was just go on, and on, and on because I was quite upset with
one of my sibling. So I wasn't happy with what she's doing. So, then I was in my hut;
my mind just go on and on what terrible things: I think she's not right; she shouldn't have
done this, and blah, blah, blah. Half a night, and then suddenly I just realise that, I just
ask myself, "Hang on a minute. So, actually you don't love her." And I ask myself, "If
I really love my sibling, whatever she do, I accept her, unconditionally, whatever she
have done."
But actually, as I started to investigate, I look more. I investigate why I feel that
way. Actually, I realised that actually, I attached to myself much more than my sister,
my sibling. Actually, I attached to my own views and opinions. My views think that is
not right, and then give rise to this self-righteousness: it's wrong. This is attachment to our own
view, our opinions. This is ourself. We identify ourself. Because it's so close and so subtle,
and we can't see it because it's too close, and who we take ourselves as...
I remember when I started to practice, and I started to investigate, and I started to
look at myself. I realised, oh, actually, I'm not that kind; I'm not that compassionate
that I think I am. I'm not.
At the beginning, I felt really bad. I thought, oh, I feel so awful; I feel so bad about myself
that actually I'm not that kind that I used -- I think I am. Then it's just -- I just
couldn't let it go, and it just been obsessing on this in my mind. After a while, I have
enough suffering. I said, come on, just admit it that you're not that kind, that compassionate.
So, we just acknowledge that, to accept that. It's not a matter of denying: yes, I'm still
-- I have these defilements; I still have attachment. That's why sometimes why people
have this self-hatred.
So, the opposite of having loving kindness to oneself, that is self-hatred. Self-hatred
is when there was a stain. So, for example, if we practice morality, and without this
loving kindness to us, ourselves, we've lots of self-hatred. It becomes a rigid, repressing
of ourself. We repress. Repression is not -- then we started to have this fault-finding
mind. We find fault with ourself: we're not good enough. Instead of the rules, for example,
like the monastic, we need to keep our rules. So, we practice it as a tool to help ourself,
to free ourself, but it's not to judge ourself because we are not -- all of us is not -- we
are not enlightened. So, it's just being the quality of an unenlightened being.. So, we
make mistakes. Of course, sometimes we still get upset. We get angry, and then sometimes
we be a bit cranky and be grumpy. So, it's all right.
So, sometimes because of our own ego, we think that it shouldn't be there. It's nothing wrong
with what we are experiencing right now, but how we relate to it because we expect ourself
to be -- we all think that we are all better than anyone else. And then, one of the way
to help us to have this loving kindness towards ourselves that is to come to a place of acceptance.
We'll be able to accept ourself, but it's very difficult. That is one of the way that
is also to have this forgiveness, to be able to forgive ourself. But sometimes we find
that it's very difficult to forgive ourself.
I noticed that in the earlier years, I find that it is very easy for me to forgive others.
I find it very difficult to forgive myself, and I started to investigate why. Actually,
I realised that it come from my sense of self because it's that it's all right other people
to make mistakes. OK - I forgive you. But not myself. I'm supposed to be perfect. I'm
supposed to be better. So this comes from the sense of self. So, the stronger sense
of self, then this hatred, this self-hatred is stronger. It come from the attachment.
So it's very subtle and it's very difficult to be able to catch because it's so subtle
to work with. That's why it's very important, there are lots of ways to have a few skilful
means that you can work with -- how to work with this attachment towards one's self, and
also have this self-hatred towards one's self. Because of the attachment towards ourself,
that's why it give rise to self-hatred, the same intensity. So, if someone that is very
self-centred, and because of -- we have focus our -- I mean on ourself too much, we only
think of ourselves, then when we think of ourself, focus on ourselves, it becomes our
problem becomes very big.
So -- and sometimes we tend to make it a problem. Actually, it's not a problem at all. I remember
-- and it manifest. I remember when I was -- many years ago, I was still a layperson,
and that's my first meditation retreat, so I went for this first meditation retreat.
The first day, it's all right. The second day and the third day I started to feel really
painful. My whole body, it's painful. I can't sit. The moment I sat down is so painful:
OK, well, I can't sit, so I walk.
In Malaysia, a meditation retreat is not so comfortable like Jhana Grove. You can't even
have a chair to sit, and I was so painful. Then I -- OK, I started to walk.
When I walk and I feel so heavy in my leg, I couldn't even lift my leg. It's so heavy
I can't walk: at times heavy, I couldn't lift my -- and I have this sloth and torpor. I
said, "What am I going to do? I can't see, I can't walk, and I can't go back to my room
to sleep because no one doing that." Then I was thinking, "Oh, I can't because it's
so painful." I say, "Oh, I can't tolerate any more." I was really in tears. Then I said,
"I can't go back because all my friends, everybody knows that I'm going for a retreat." I said,
"I shouldn't have told them I'm going for a retreat. I can't let them know that halfway
I withdraw," -- just embarrassed! So what am I going to do? I was really full of tears,
and I said, "What am I going to do?!"
Then I sat there, then at that moment, I just let go, "OK. I have no choice. OK. Let the
pain take my life". I just allowed the pain to take my life.
So I just threw away all the cushions. I have five cushions. I have here, here, three on
my buttock and I still feel pain, really terrible pain. I can't even touch the ground.
I threw all the cushion away. I said, "OK. Let the pain take my life. Let me die out
of pain. All right."
So I sat with no cushions. Actually, it's amazing that the moment I sat down because
the moment I let go and actually just a split second, actually, the pain all gone. I don't
feel the pain at all. Then, all in a sudden, the mind becomes so peaceful, and calm; I'd
be able to focus. I have lots of joy and happiness: so bliss out! Actually, this is how we manifest.
Actually, the pain is there, but the more we try to let go, the more we try to get rid
of the pain, it manifests. It becomes so unbearable. It's the same, too, if we focus a lot on our
pain - it manifests. It becomes unto a point that is unbearable, we think that we're going
to kill ourself. This is how sometimes people think that they can't bear any more and they
commit suicide.
I mean it's not that I'm judging on people that commit the suicide because we can never
comprehend the intensity of the suffering that person undergone. But this is how the
tricky of -- the mind is very tricky, because sometimes we make it a problem, and this manifests;
it becomes so big.
That's why one of the way to help us is to take away our -- the focus on our ourselves
so much, then we practice generosity. Generosity is not only you giving material things, but
generosity is also a kindness. It's a thinking on what we want, what we need. We thinking
on what we can do for others, be of service, and then what I can help. It's not only giving
material things, even though maybe some of you will say, "Oh, now you're talking about
loving kindness, and then you go to generosity." Then they know that "Oh, Dhammasara is building
a Sala hall, and look she's trying to hint." [laughter]
Audience: [laughter]
Sister Hasapanna: Actually that is the whole path of practice. Actually, even you practice
loving kindness, you have to pick up the whole path of practice, the noble eightfold path.
That is Dana, Sila, Bhavana, and Panya: the whole path. So, sometimes it seems like no
connection. There is connection. So, we need to have -- take away our focus on ourself.
This also remind me of one of Ajahn Chah's story that he used to speak to people after
Dana. Of course, usually lots of people go to him and complain to him about their problems,
what problem they have.
He was very kind and patient. He's sitting there, listen to all the people's problems.
A man came in and he take a seat, he sit at the back. And Ajahn Chah noticed this man
come in, and he saw the man. He asked the man, "What's wrong with you?" The man said,
"This morning my wife went out to pick up those mushroom, and he cook it, and the three
children and the wife, they ate it and they all died." When he said that - and everybody
stop because compared to what this man had gone through and what they suffer is just
nothing.
That's why - this is how that we sometimes focus too much on ourself, become very self-centred.
Then we think that we have lots of problem. We really make it a problem. Sometimes, something
is just very petty that we really make it a problem because we focus - it manifests.
I remember when I shared this with one of the men when I was in Thailand. I lived in
one of these nunnery in the south, and there was a young man there, he's about 28-years-old.
And he had this experience of - he wanted to kill himself; that he saw so much pain
and he just couldn't bear it. Because I talked to him and I share with him my experience,
and how -- I said, "Sometimes, yes," I said, "the pain is there, but actually it's not
as bad. Because we manifest it we make it become unbearable. Actually, it's just -- pain."
I told him the story that -- what I have experience, and I say, "When you just let it go, and you
just," -- I share with him. Then he told me that what happened to him, and I felt so happy
that I'd be able to share with him the story. He said to me that -- again that one night
he had all this - because he have this tendency to suicide because he can't bear the pain.
Again, he had that comes up, and he remember what I said to him. Then he started to remind
himself that not to focus on the pain. Then he started to focus on that, on his breath
instead of to focus on his pain.
Then he started to took away his attention, attention on the pain, and just on the breath
itself, and he's just reminding himself, the story that I have told him, and he just keep
reminding himself that not to manifest, not to focus on the pain itself. Then he started
to put more attentions on the breath. Then slowly, he said that is this -- he said after
a while he suddenly feel so peaceful and so calm. He said he never experienced that peace
before, and it's really helped him. He said that when I share with him my story. Sometimes
it give me lots of joy that I least I share this, and it's helped someone.
After that, he told me that it's really helping him that because he understand that actually
the pain is not that unbearable: actually he make it a problem; he make it big. That's
why it's important to take away -- we focus too much on ourself, become so self-centred.
So one of the way to practice generosity, and also another way to practice - we reflect
our own goodness. So our lovingness, to look at our own goodness, and if you can't find
anything good about yourself, it doesn't matter. You still can wish yourself well because loving
kindness is that you accept. You unconditionally, you love yourself even though, OK, poor old
mind, you're cranky, grumpy, oh, doesn't matter I still love you.. You sustain yourself with
wishes: I still love you. It's unconditional love.
Because then you just reflect on the goodness because you give yourself a sense of self-confidence
and self-respect towards yourself, and this is one of the way. Another way of working
with this practice this loving kindness because not only on the -- sitting on the cushions
-- "may I be well, may I be happy" - actually, in our daily life, it's important that we
try to pay attention to our sensations, our feelings, because actually, our emotions,
our mind state actually set the - they have manifest in our body.
Because our emotion is quite difficult to work with because it's more subtle, all those
mental phenomenons - the ***, the anger, the greed - that is more subtle. Those emotion
is difficult to work with. So we work with the more coarser object, that is to pay attention
to our feelings, our sensations; that is like whether we feel tense or when we have fear,
or we have these panic attacks. So, how we feel like sometimes you can feel that it's
a tension in the chest. Then you just pay attention, be with that feelings. How does
it feel like right now?
So, then you are in the present moment of awareness. You're experiencing this moment.
So, don't try to - lots of people, when they meditate, because they have all this emotion,
especially these afflictive emotions obsess them and they can't meditate. They try to
analyse, "Oh, what is this? I might have this maybe come from my childhood," maybe this
and maybe that. Actually, this is not - you don't do that because you are analysing, you
are not meditating. You are not in the present. You are not in the present moment of awareness.
Actually, you're away. You are not experiencing what you are experiencing now.
Actually, it's always good to go back to the feelings. The feeling is a coarser object,
so you just pay attention to your feelings. Then sometimes after that, then your feelings
subside. Then you can settle - when that subsides, you feel more calm and peaceful. Then you
will be able to know where is it coming from. So that's why it's very important that we
pay attention to that. Sometimes when the anger comes, normally it wouldn't just come.
Sometimes they manifest in our body first so that's why it's good that we're more in
touch with our body. It's also easy to work with. It's a more coarser object to work with,
easier to work with. Then we pay attention.
So, I remember that in year 2002, end of December, before I go back to Malaysia because I know
that my father, he was dying, and because before my father died, my mother pass away
a few years before my father pass away, then I know how is it like that to see your loved
one dying. You're just so helpless, you can't do anything about it. It's very painful, and
I know how is it like: so painful!
Because of the past experience, it's coloured my feelings, my perceptions because this moment
actually is after a few years later, actually, is different. But because of my past experience,
it's affected how I react to my emotions, my feelings right now. So, I - because this
is how I was suppressing my feelings, suppressing that, the sadness, the fear because I have
this fear, I don't want to face the pain because it's painful, then I become sick. I run away
- suppressing my emotion. So, I feel my chest is so painful when I sit in meditation. My
chest is really painful. It's terribly painful, and I don't know why it is this painful. It's
so tight, and this go on for a few days. Then we started tea time. We're talking about how
you come to monastic life and how difficult it is. I started to, actually, when the topic
that we were saying, actually, has nothing to do with what the emotion that I have. Actually,
it's just a trigger. Actually, it's nothing to do with that.
I just trigger off, and then suddenly all my tears, they just come. I just couldn't
stop crying. Then just all this come up. I sat there, when I calmed down, I started to
investigate, look, and then realised that actually I'd been suppressing my emotion,
my feelings. That's why it's important that you pay attention to your feelings, your sensations,
and you just sit there; you just let that subside. Then when that cease, after the mediation
you can investigate, but not when you are meditating. You don't start to work out, try
to figure out, "Why I have these feelings? Why I feel that?" So this is all - this is
some of the skilful means that can help in your daily life.
Another skilful means that you can in everyday life to try to maintain that bodily of kindness,
loving kindness, to do something that each day you think of something that is good to
do, bodily actions, to cultivate that. It's not necessary you have to sit on the meditation
cushion.
Also, with the kind words, maintain to have this lovely act of loving kindness. Say something
that is gentle, something that is not abusive, that bring people together. Also, mentally
bring out the thoughts of loving kindness and the wholesome thoughts.
The Buddha said that - in one of the suttas, the Buddha mention that how our mind that
we condition the mind because if someone had lots of negativities, negative thoughts, they
incline that way because it becomes a mental habit, a habitual pattern. So, each time we
reinforce that, we have a negative thoughts that reinforce, it becomes stronger and stronger.
So, we actively bring thoughts of loving kindness. So, every day we do it.
So, I know that sometimes -- very difficult. I remember I told my - one of my relatives
- she's had lots of suffering because she'd been abused by her husband. She said that
she knows there is no good for her to have lots of ill-will towards her husband, her
ex-husband, because she said that she don't want to die with that ill-will. So even though
this man have abused her, but she really don't want to have ill-will towards him because
she know that is no good for herself. She want to die with peace, with calm.
So, then I told her, I said, "Yeah, you don't try. You don't have to send loving kindness
towards your ex-husband, but you wish yourself: 'May I have no ill-will towards my husband.'"
You don't have to - I know that is difficult: someone abuse you; you try to send your loving
kindness. It's difficult, but at least we can send good wishes to ourself: "May I have
no ill will towards this person," rather than try to have loving kindness towards that person.
So, there's lots of skilful means that we can use in our daily life to help us to work
with this, to adapt this loving kindness to a difficulty. So, the first of all, we have
to have this love, care, warmth within ourself. Sometimes it's lots of people thinks that
practice loving kindness, have to sit on the cushions -- "may I be well, may I be happy"
-- so -- and as I look back, I remember some years ago, and someone asked me, someone said
to me, she said, "Oh, I'm very -- I'm a very irritated person. I feel so irritated. I have
lots of irritations, and I find it so difficult. I'm so agitated."
So I said, "Yeah," I said, when I was a teenager, I used to have that. I feel agitated. I feel
irritated a lot. Then I said, after when I'm -- especially as I give birth to my son, then
I said that irritation gone because I have that love to my son, that unconditional love
towards my son. Then I said, I have less agitation.
Then she asked me, "is this means that I have to get married and have children?" I said,
"No, no, no." I said, "You don't have to do that." So, it's just like trying to say that
sometimes we've been practising loving kindness, but it's not that: we do not identify -- now
I'm sitting, now I'm practising meditation. Now I'm doing that metta. I'm doing that.
Actually, sometimes how we live our life, being harmless, the whole path of practice,
and then it's naturally you become kind. If you practise it, if you really practise it
correctly, if you really take up the whole path, practise generosity, and your morality,
and cultivations of the calmness, the mind and also the wisdom, and this all comes together.
You naturally become kind.
Then -- and as I look back, actually, yes, I say I have been practising loving kindness,
but I didn't identify that I'm practising loving kindness. Lots of people, yeah, actually,
I was thinking I was doing that: I was practising it, but I just don't identify that I'm a kind
person. I'm practising loving kindness. So, that's why it's important that it's not only
sitting on the meditation cushions that "may I be well, may I be happy." You try to, like
the man that tried to push, you have to have that within yourself. You feel -- you can
feel within yourself. Then you have that softness, and you can feel the openness within yourself.
You feel more spacious, and you can feel the expansiveness within yourself, within your
heart. You can feel it yourself. You have that sense of warmth, and care, and gentleness
within yourself. Then when you have that, then you'll be able to really share, to be
able to open up yourself to allow people to come into your heart.
That's why it's important we have it within ourself first, so we have to help ourself
first. If we can't help ourself, we can't help others so that's very important. So I
offer this for your Dhamma reflections, may this teaching be of benefit. May this help
you to develop this loving kindness, and also lots and lots of kindness, and to be a happy
person.
[audience murmurs]
Sister Hasapanna: So is there any questions and comments?
Yes?
Man 2: [hard to hear] I read in a Buddhist book, ??? of Loving Kindness. It says that
loving kindness is a powerful energy. That a person who gives off loving kindness, people
will be attracted to them. People will come near them. So it's a way to attract a lover
or...
Sister Hasapanna: If you have that kind of thinking.. [laughs]
Man 2: [indiscernible]
Sister Hasapanna: Yeah.
Man 1: If you don't like it the same [indiscernible]..
Sister Hasapanna: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I think I have to repeat your questions because
in the last talks, people said, complaining that they can't hear the questions. The question
is, people come -- if someone have lots of loving kindness, it's very powerful, and you
tends to attract people, and just now -- and that's why you don't use -- and yeah, it's
because of the loving kindness that is the wholesome state of mind, set of qualities
that is absent of this great hatred and delusion. So -- and you can feel someone have that loving
kindness. It's really powerful because it's different because I experience myself someone
have lots of loving kindness. You just naturally draw to that person, and you just feel happy
to be with that person.
If someone negative, someone have lots of negativity, you can feel it because I experience
myself. One day I was walking in the room, and I just feel so uncomfortable. I just feel
like so unpleasant. I feel very unpleasant feelings. So I said, "What's happened to me?"
Then someone sitting next to me, I was thinking, I said, "I have no ill-will towards this person,
but why make me feel unpleasant?"
Later, I discovered that that person have gone through lots of negativities, have lots
of angers in her mind. Actually, you can pick it up because of this loving kindness actually
it's powerful. They say sometimes those have lots of loving kindness is -- actually the
Buddha did mention this is one of the benefits, there's 11 benefits the Buddhas talk about,
this loving kindness. That first one.. -- yes?
Man 3: [indiscernible]
Sister Hasapanna: Yeah.
Man 3: [indiscernible]
Sister Hasapanna: Yeah.
Man 3: [indiscernible]
Sister Hasapanna: Yeah, yeah. That's right. The Buddha said there's 11 benefits. The first
one is that you sleep easily and you wake up easily. You have pleasant dream. You don't
have unpleasant dream, and all people likes you. But you don't think that you can do,
"Oh, I'm interested in that girl or in that boy. Maybe I practice loving kindness." It
doesn't work that way because [...laughs] it doesn't work that way. You have to be really
unconditional. It's not trying to get something out of it.
Yeah, lots of people like you. People drawn. People tends to be drawn to people who have
lots of loving kindness, kind.. The devas, the deities, celestial beings, like you, loves
you.
Also, the celestial beings will protect you. These deities, they also protect you. You
will not have this physical -- you're free from physical danger, and your face becomes
radiant. Especially for a woman, it's very economical to practice loving kindness because
you don't have to go to the beauty salon, and you don't have to put the facial, you-know
the face cream: save lots of money.
I remember when I was a lay person, I used to go to this beauty salon for facial to make
my face look [laughs] good. So -- and I -- when I become a nun I don't have to do that. It's
one of these very economical... you save lots of money.
Yeah, your mind becomes serene, and you die unconfused. And also, you're reborn in a good
place, in like heavenly realm. There's lots of benefits in practising loving kindness.
But if you're doing it right because lots of people say, "Oh, it doesn't work." Of course,
it doesn't work because some people think that -- they try -- it become a deal, like
a bargain, like, OK, this mind is so cranky, is so grumpy. OK. I give you loving kindness,
so make sure that you are not cranky and you are not grumpy. It doesn't work that way.
[laughs]
You have to be unconditional love even towards the cranky mind, the grumpy mind. You accept
it whatever mind-state. You love your mind. You love yourself. Even though -- it's important.
But if you think that you try to practise loving kindness to get rid of it, of course
it doesn't work.
Is there any more questions and comments? No? OK. Then, that's it!