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[Terrible Quality MIDI of God Save Our Queen]
It's the space year 2012!
That means it's the Queen's Diamond Jubilee.
So it's 60 years since she pulled the magic sword from the lady of the lake and held it
aloft and said "I have the Power!" Or something.
Or however it works, I don't care in the slightest.
Anyway, also this year, London are holding the Olympics, for some reason, so...
There's a lot of sort of generic british tat doing the rounds in Poundland and similar
shops, at the moment.
Some of it is specifically Queen's Jubilee, some of it is just crap that they've stuck
Union Jacks on.
Let's take a look, shall we?
And start, with the most popular item.
I can say it's the most popular item purely from my viewers, because I've been sent about
3 of these, and unfortunately, I'd already bought one myself.
Can you guess how much it cost?
Hint: It was 99p.
What you may not be able to tell, is a sticker for £1.49, but they apparently couldn't sell
it for that.
So yes, one person who sent it to me claimed that they spent about £4 on it, in Argos.
So uhh... Ya boo, sucks to be them.
Oh look, you can see an upside down distorted image of me.
Woo... I haunt your dreams.
Also, you can see a very, VERY...
[Laughs]
... Sorry, I hadn't realised just how bad this was, 'til I got it close.
Umm... A very faded and completely useless picture of the Queen, in there somewhere.
In this decorative plastic crap.
Let's just get rid of it and get the spoon out, shall we?
Well it's chrome plated, and chipped, and horrible, and basically, if you put it through
a dishwasher once, it would probably turn into a pile of dust.
But umm... Yeah, can you make out Queenie in there somewhere?
There's sort of a vague Jokerish hint, isn't there?
"Why, is one, so serious?"
That's just not working at all, is it?
It's just such bad reproduction, it's unbelievable.
The sort of thing that you can give your grandmother.
If you hate her *** guts.
So yes, stir your tea with that, and you'll probably get poisoned from whatever heavy
metal is residual on it.
Marvellous, but don't worry, because there's even more pointless and mundane items to pretend
are patriotic.
Like this Union Jack oven glove.
I like the way it's marketed in Poundland as "Essentials".
Yeah, 'cause it's really essential that you have an oven glove with a flag on it.
Well... Can't really say much more about that.
You can pull your patriotic cakes out of your patriotic oven, on the day of the Queen's
Jubilee, or the Olympics, or the date of your own death.
It really doesn't matter, I'll just put that over there next to my Joy Division pair.
Ah... Now this is more like it.
Back to specific tat.
Look, it's that picture of the Queen again.
I can't help thinking that we're going to be seeing a lot of that, 'cause it's the only
one anyone seems to be using.
"The Queen's Diamon Jubilee, Commemorative Porcelain Thimbles".
[Laughs]
Ooh, look at the Thimbolism.
Umm... Yes... Well... These are used by people who sew.
Apparently.
Except not things like this, 'cause they're just a crappy lump of porcelain with some
badly printed tat on them.
Who's making all this stuff?
PMS Ltd.
Always nice to see a company, named after Pre-Menstrual Syndrome.
"Keep out of reach of young children. Possible choking hazard". Oh, well that's some excitement
you can get from it.
There's a barcode, ooh hang on.
And a disclaimer.
I like disclaimers.
"The design, illustrations and photographs, used in this artwork, are the exclusive property
of the PMS International Group." Really? You own an image of the Queen's face?
Pretty sure legislation doesn't work like that.
"Any attempts to copy this artwork, in whole or in part, will be prosecuted vigorously".
Ooh!
... "And damages will be sought, and legal action taken where appropriate."
Your home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments on your mortgage...
Hmm... That was vaguely threatening, wasn't it?
Well let's see what these thimbles are like, then.
IF I can actually work out how to open the box.
This may take some weeks.
Here we go.
Yep, it's all just cardboard and crap.
They don't feel very porcelain, hmm...
I suppose technically it's porcelain.
Very low quality.
Right, what have we got then?
Here's Queenie, bless her heart.
"1952-2012".
With a picture of her when she was young.
Although to be fair, that could be a picture of anybody in a blue hat, due to the incredibly
low transfer quality.
Also, look at the way the gold piping at the bottom doesn't match up with itself.
Mmm... Better get me sewing, that'll protect my finger.
It certainly isn't pleasing me in any other manner.
"1952-2012". It's a crown.
Well that was exciting.
And the last one, "1952-2012", it's that picture of the Queen again!
We're sick of it already!
Where she's wearing a lemon flavoured suit.
Absolutely marvellous.
I tell you what, I reckon that these would smash nicely.
Hmm...
Tempted.
Tempted. I have got my hammer handy.
Alright then, let's do the one without a face on.
It seems a bit mean to smash one of the others.
Are you ready?
OK, I've got my safety goggles on.
Remember, safety first when smashing tat.
And I've blu-tak'ed it down a bit, to stop wobble.
Ohh yeah!
Ready? Steady?
[Clunking Sound]
[Dramatic Music]
And now I get to spent the rest of my life picking up small pieces of porcelain from
around the room, and probably getting them embedded in my foot.
Right, what's next then?
Answer: Something weird.
Well, that's a bit unfair for the man involved, but, well, you'll see.
Basically, in Poundland they have a selection of various Jubilee and United Kingdom Flag
related guff.
And as part of this, they have, actually... Masks of the Royal Family.
I don't know if you know what the Royal Family looks like, here in Britain.
Just in case you don't, 'cause you're a devious foreigner, here they are.
Now, you see, you can get masks of like the Queen, and Prince Phillip, and that.
But for some reason, in my Poundland, they didn't have those, they only had one mask.
Which I can't help but feeling that it was meant for another area.
Because amongst the Jubilee tat.
Was this mask of comedian, Alan Carr.
No, not the american who helps you stop smoking, this guys a stand-up comedian, who presents
television programmes, and that.
So yeah, umm... Apparently the best way now to uhh... Show your Patriotic fervour, in
this, the Queen's greatest year, is to look like Alan Carr.
Bless him, he's a nice man, but even Alan Carr doesn't want to look like Alan Carr.
Anyway, let's get that out of the way.
And pull this head.
And stick it here.
Yes, there is a reason for this.
I'll demonstrate in a moment.
Oh dear, it's wobbly.
There we go.
Because it's time to look at some glasses!
Patriotic Sunglasses, look!
They've got Union Jacks on them.
And they're made my Essentials, again.
They have a very loose grasp of the word essential these people, don't they?
And I don't know what they're like if you actually wear them...
Hang on...
Oh, you can sort of see through them.
There's kind of a weird mesh of Union Jack in front of your eyes.
So you can't quite see what's actually happening in front of you, because you've got a flag,
sort of burnt into your brain.
That must be what it's like to be a racist!
Let's see if you can get the Uhh... There, you see that? That's quite good.
It's amazing, this new camcorder focuses!
I haven't got used to it yet.
Right, what do they look like on?
You probably take the tag off if you're wearing them in real life, I imagine.
But if you weren't, you'd look exactly like that.
They immediately make your skin go white, and your hair fall out, I imagine.
Tremendous, well that was nice.
Can't get any worse than that, can it?
Oh wait, here's my 2012 Fun Party Glasses.
[Groan]
Sorry, that was my will to live escaping.
Right, come on then.
Well they've tied them down so that they can't escape, and you wear them by accident, so
that's something.
I imagine that these would bite you, and Uhh...
End up embedded in your face.
They have that kind of look to them.
Oh dear.
One's out. Let's do the other one now.
Oh, I hate these twist-ties.
I don't know what the thing is about action figures these days.
If you buy them for a child, you have to spend 8 years undoing these damned things.
Just so they can play with whatever overpriced character from a bad film.
OK, 2012! The Glasses!
Here we are, you can celebrate everything that's happening this year.
Like the death of your relative, that's going to happen in a bus crash.
They'll make you feel a lot better.
Come on then!
Come on!
you're wearing them whether you like it or not!
Oh look at that! Absolute class!
The only pair of glasses in the world, that even Elton John would not wear.
Hmm... Well, I think I might pass up wearing those in the street.
Or in fact, not putting them in the bin immediately!
But hey! They've almost got a flag in the middle, or something.
Well the current flag, until Scotland secedes.
Oh, that was quite nice.
Right, now, we've put it off for long enough.
Let's have a look at the Union Jack inflatable hand.
"Let's Party" Yeah! Because it's not a party until you've got an inflatable hand.
From "Perfect Moments".
A company called Perfect Moments.
I mean, come on!
What perfect moment, involves a giant inflatable ha- Eurgh!
Actually, I don't want to know!
Well here it is anyway.
Hang on, that's the wrong side, here we are!
Look, it's all flag-related and you can sort of ram your hand into it, although it's very
tight!
And basically, you got a giant, extremely unsafe, oven glove.
Something that immediately occurs to me is whoever made this, has never seen a ***
human hand in their life!
I mean, they've got a rough idea of where the fingers and thumbs go, but really haven't
put it together too well.
Also, it's corrugated.
And what's this? Extra finger, it's like it's been attached afterwards.
It was made for aliens, look.
That was it.
Made for aliens with a thumb and two fingers.
And they though "Ah, we'll adapt it for the humans".
So they stuck this extra on on the side, and this extra one there.
There we are, we've got to the bottom of it.
And now I've got to try and get my hand out of it.
[Stretching Sounds, followed by a Pop]
There we are.
Absolutely lovely.
Just going to move that head out of the way, 'cause it's freaking me out a bit.
Oh well, at least there's no more inflatable crap.
Except for this Inflatable Foil Guitar.
"Pride, Passion, Party!"
Yeah, basically, "We've slapped on a Union Jack and a load of crap, give us your money!"
Wasn't quite as good of a slogan.
More truthful, that it is.
"Warning, Choking Hazard, 0-3 Sad Onions".
Blah, blah, blah.
What does it look like?
Well, it does what it says on the tin, it's an inflatable foil guitar.
Well, something roughly in the shape of a guitar.
There is one use for this.
If you are cosplaying as Lord Raptor from Darkstalkers.
If you're not, death to it.
I wonder if I could burst it?
I'll take that as a yes.
Strangle!
Ah, that's made me feel slightly better.
This is some of the most infuriating and empty tat ever.
But don't worry, we'll end on a high note.
With that picture of the Queen again, 'cause we haven't seen it quite enough.
How would you like that picture of the Queen, in a 10"x8" Photo?
There she is.
Looking genuinely quite happy, which is probably why they've uhh... Chosen that photo.
A little bit Emperor Palpatine, but uhh... You know, she's over 80 years old, so we'll
let her off.
Umm... The Queen's Diamond Jubilee Commemorative Framed Photo.
From Poundland.
So that will give you some idea as to the quality that we've got here.
Umm... If we can get it out.
Here we go.
Don't really know what to say about that.
It says on the top "To commemorate the Queen's Diamond Jubilee".
It's in the most disgusting frame possibly imaginable.
So you can't even put your own thing in it afterwards.
It's got horrible moulding lines on it.
There is actually a piece of glass in it, that is something.
There's weird scratches up the side.
Don't know if you can see that.
And also, it's on the huh! Look! It's not even in the middle!
Deary me!
Well, what do you expect for a pound?
Answer: Pretty much exactly this.
Actually, I've got a theory about this.
Let's stand that up there.
Let's get a good train on it with the old camera.
There we are, that'll do us.
Now, I'm going to turn the lights off.
Ready?
OK, now I'm going to turn on the infrared.
Ah-hah! I knew it!
[Subtitles Created by Aran Fielder. YouTube: GoesAroundAndAround.]