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[Intro Music]
>> TOM: Hello and welcome to the Clarence and Tom show where today we’ll be reviewing
the latest installment of the Die Hard series, A Good Day to Die Hard, starring Bruce Willis
and tired and slightly bored old man who’d rather be sitting at home watching telly than
driving around Moscow murdering terrorists! So, Clarence, what did you think of the A
Good Day to Die Hard?
>> CLARENCE: Well personally, Tom, I thought it a total waste of everyone’s time, including
mine.
>> TOM: Why was it such a waste of everyone’s time?
>> CLARENCE: Well, it was just a bit obvious that nobody involved in the production of
this movie actually cared. The writing was trite, the casting and direction were lackadaisical;
the action scenes were a bit drab, and the acting was, well, how do I say it, totally
***.
>> TOM: What are saying, Clarence? Bruce Willis is a great actor and there’s no way he could
ever lose his acting skills overnight…
>> CLARENCE: I’m not saying Bruce Willis is a bad actor, Tom, I’m just saying that
in this film, he’s not even trying to act. It’s as if he turned up on set without having
read the script then said his lines off cue cards.
>> TOM: Stop being a muppet, he’s a professional actor – he wouldn’t do that kind of thing!
>> CLARENCE: Tom, we all this kind of thing. Have you ever had a really *** job?
>> TOM: Yes. I used to shovel *** on a farm.
>> CLARENCE: Well cast your mind back and remember what it felt like just after you’d
handed in your notice.
>> TOM: I remember it well, Clarence – it felt good.
>> CLARENCE: How much *** did you shovel that day?
>> TOM: Not a lot, I was too busy running around being smug.
>> CLARENCE: Exactly. Once you’d taken Farmer Giles’ money and were free from his obligation,
you didn’t care anymore did you?
>> TOM: Nope.
>> CLARENCE: And that’s exactly how Bruce Willis feels about Die Hard. In his heart,
he knows the franchise is dead and buried and has been for years. So he doesn’t care
anymore, and it came across in his performance.
>> TOM: If that’s the case, why didn’t the director say anything?
>> CLARENCE: Probably because he was too busy with all the explosions, Tom.
>> TOM: Hang on, Clarence – you can’t make a film that’s just explosions and no
plot. It wouldn’t make sense!
>> CLARENCE: Tom, this film is proof that you can. But you’re right it still doesn’t
make sense.
>> TOM: So there’s literally no plot at all?
>> CLARENCE: There is, technically, a story in there somewhere but it’s hidden away
somewhere in all the action.
>> TOM: Hmm, that’s what people who hate action films say about all action films.
>> CLARENCE: I love action films, Tom. I think they’re fantastic! But what you have to
understand is that an action film is a FILM that has lots of ACTION. In horrible monstrosity,
what you have is lots of ACTION, but no FILM.
>> TOM: Well it can’t just simply be a load of action sequences stuck together! That wouldn’t
make any sense!
>> CLARENCE: And that’s what I’m trying to tell you. That’s literally all this film
is. Essentially, what you have is three 25 minutes action sequences interspersed with
boringly-shot expositional scenes that try to cram as much information into your brain
as their 5 minute timeslot will allow. It’s backwards storytelling, Tom, and it just leaves
you feeling confused and tired.
>> TOM: Oh well, maybe they’ll get it right next time…
>> CLARENCE: Tom, if someone makes Die Hard 6, I’ll happily eat my own mouth.
>> TOM: Well that may actually be possible for a puppet!
>> CLARENCE: Huh??
>> TOM: So Clarence, how many stars would you give A Good Day to Die Hard?
>> CLARENCE: Tom, I’d give this film 1 out of 5. The storytelling elements are incredibly
weak; the writing is little more than uninspired dirge; and the acting is careless and unenthusiastic.
It’s not good at all.
>> TOM: So there we have it. Join us next time on the Clarence & Tom show for more movie
related mirth, acting lessons form a puppet, and me showing you exactly what I do in my
spare time. We don’t say goodbye on the Clarence & Tom show, we always say good journey.