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[S2E2 - 'Monkey Business' - Apr. 15, 2013]
[Behind-the-scenes special]
[On the set of 'Monkey Business'] (Jack) Hey, Marcel, great to see you. What are you doing in the studio?
(Marcel) ‘Allo, old friend. I was just flying by, so let's go have some lunch.
(Jack) We were just talking about what to have on the show today. I figure we could do a show on taxes, since it'll be tax day in the U.S., soon.
(Marcel) Really, like when?
(Jack) Well, like…today. [April 15, 2013]
(Marcel) Oh, really? Someone should do something about that.
That's that thing with all the papers that my accountant does, eh? I don't know what they do in there, but they make
all the little papers come out as... (waving hand) one big paper. Something like so. (Yawns.) Excuse me.
(Jack) You have an accountant [to] do your taxes?
(Marcel) Of course.
(Jack) You've never filled out a tax return?
(Marcel) Me? Why should I? I don't like tragedies, except maybe on the stage.
(Jack) (Spots a possible story idea.) Hmmmm. Would you like to try it [filling out a sample tax return] for the show?
(Marcel) You mean, the thing with all the little papers? Hmmm.
(Marcel) Eh, okay, how hard could it be, you put - what is it, [you put] the numbers in the little boxes and so on.
(Jack) Exactly. So, we'll just have some mock papers and figures, and we'll have a segment on how to fill out a tax return.
(Marcel) Featuring me.
(Jack) Sure, featuring you.
(Marcel) Hmm. Okay. So, have someone brief me, and then we shoot the segment all nice and neat, voilà.
(Marcel) And then, lunch. Back in an hour or so. [Marcel heads off to prepare his segment on filling out a tax return.]
(Jack) (To viewer) Oh, actually, I should mention, for the folks watching, that we're going to have a tax season reading list
in the infobox, with lots of links for all that fun stuff, so feel free to browse some of those.
(Marcel) (Five minutes into his tax return segment plans, he’s holding his head.) Ohhh…I don’t feel so well…
(Jack) (Reading show notes. He spots Marcel standing nearby.) Oh my gosh - what happened to you?
(Marcel) (He’s plastered in papers from his tax return segment and looks uncharacteristically rumpled and forlorn.) You know, I can explain. But I don't want to.
(One of the papers plastered to Marcel slips off and falls to the floor.)
(Jack) (Something about Marcel’s offbeat pose or predicament strikes Jack as funny, and he breaks up laughing, in spite of his reputation as the more serious and stable of the two co-anchors on ‘Monkey Business.’)
(Jack) (To Marcel) Seriously (tries to stop laughing)… Seriously - are you okay?
(Marcel) (Holding his head.) No how-to segment.
(Marcel) I might not even be alive right now.
(Jack) No how-to segment, then?
(Marcel) No how-to segment [on how to fill out a tax return]. I'll say things, you know, and they won't be pleasant.
(Marcel) Excuse me, I just need to- (trying to blow paper off himself) pfft-pfft-pfff - this paper needs to go somewhere... [Marcel heads to dressing room to disentangle himself.]
(Jack) (To crew, updating the segment change.) Okay, guys, the how-to segment is out- (breaks up laughing again, has to put head down for a second).
(Jack) (To crew.) Thank God we’re not live.
(Marcel is shown briefly in the dressing room, looking paper-free and much more his dapper self.)
(Marcel) (Commenting on his adventures in filing out a tax return.) Back again. Quelle horreur (How ghastly).
(Marcel) It's like a flashback to the episode on [French actor Gérard Depardieu] Depardieu swearing he'd move to Belgium or Russia over the 75-percent tax idea - silly idea, really - only sadly for me, I'm not in Belgium,
also there's no cake in the staff café, so not only did my head almost fall off with finding out what to do with all of these little [sample tax return] papers, but also, you know -
there's no cake.
(Marcel) (To crew offscreen) Eh, bien, it’s not so urgent, but I thought I'd mention it so someone can make sure that happens. I've suffered enough-
(Cut: Jack is shown in background, trying to stop laughing.)
(Marcel) -for the sake of news reporting.
(Marcel) I was going to lie down, but the world is still spinning. (Holding his head.) Ohhh…
Aha, but while I was back there, I read in the show notes that a study by the Pew Research Center
finds that a third of Americans actually like to do their taxes.
They LIKE to do their taxes?
Who on earth are these people?
I think the weekend they [Pew Research Center] did that poll, maybe they only asked people who had, like…
sunstroke.
Either that, or they were talking to people on the street, saying they wanted to ask them questions for a poll and they [the people] just said, ‘Taxi!’
Taxes, bleh. It's like someone robs you and you can only say, ‘Thank you so very much,’ and not even sarcastically.
Except [that] instead of just politely robbing you - ‘May I have your wallet,’ ‘Thank you very much,’ ‘Goodbye,’ ‘I hope I never see you again,’ - first they make you sit for an hour
while they read you the dictionary.
And then they hit you with it.
If someone wants to read from the Pew Research Center poll, the link is in the infobox, in case you like to read incredible stories
like that, you know - unicorns and people who love to do their taxes - or [just in case you] would rather
do absolutely anything in the world except your taxes.
Like watching this video, eh? [Watching videos as a temporary distraction from tax stuff.]
Believe me, I feel your pain; trying to find which numbers to put in which little tiny boxes, and where the one goes, and somebody forgot something...
Five minutes of that and I don't even want to live anymore.
Me, I'm going to go lie down.
In the meantime, you can watch this episode on outlandish tax deductions, to give you a few more minutes away from the papers, the papers, the papers...
(Marcel shown in flashback from earlier on in the episode).
(Marcel) I'll have nightmares all day long, now.
(Jack) Really?
(Marcel) Me? No, not really, I'm having martinis for lunch.
(Marcel) (To Jack, who’s reading some papers.) Eh, what are you reading there, are those the tax tips for the infobox? [Note: Links to tax tips are included for general browsing only and not intended to substitute for expert advice from a qualified tax professional.]
(Jack) Yep. There are some general tax tips, [plus some] tax tips for investors, some for late filers, freelancers - that kind of thing.
(Marcel) (Reading from Jack’s show notes.) Eh. ‘Why do you need to file a tax extension?’
(Marcel) (Answering the question.) I was unconscious.
(Jack) I don’t think that’s on there, Marcel.
(Marcel) Eh, bien, I’ll be the first [one, then].
(Marcel) (Continues to read.) ‘Tax tips for procrastinators.’ Bon, that’s for me.
(Jack) Would you like to read it now?
(Marcel) Hmmmm.
(Marcel) Eh, maybe later.
(Jack) (Show sign-off.) And that’s today’s ‘Monkey Business.’ Take care, folks - it's tax season out there.
(Marcel) I don’t feel well. (Pause). Ah. Lunch.
(Jack) Okay.
(‘Marcel’s Dream’) (Jack is shown holding a piece of paper.) I thought- for tax season in France, isn’t that [coming up in] May 2013? It’s tax season out there.
(Marcel) (Waking up abruptly from a nap in the MB studio lounge.) Ahhhh! Ohhh. How horrible.
(Jack) What's wrong?
(Marcel) I was having a little nap, but I had the most horrible nightmare.
(Jack) What was it?
(Marcel) I don't know, but there was a lot of paper.
(Marcel) It looked something like - filing my tax return.
(Marcel) (Rubbing his head.) Oh là là. I'll probably need therapy.
(Marcel) Eh, you know - is that tax deductible? Eh, probably not.
(Marcel) (Mumbling to himself.) I'm just waiting for my comet.
[See: ‘How Doomsday Would Go’ (Time magazine) or ‘Could the Comet of the Century Hit Earth in 2013?’ (International Science Times), etc.]
(Marcel) This tax season invention's going to be the death of me.
(Marcel) Eh, on the upside, at least no more taxes.
(Marcel) I know they say that 'in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes,' [paraphrased, quote commonly attr. to Christopher Bullock (1716) or Benjamin Franklin] but I tell you,
if I was walking down a dark alleyway, I'd rather meet [the personification of] Death than [the personification of] Taxes. [Supplemental reads: ‘Death and Taxes and Literature,’ St. Charles Public Library]
[Grimsy (The Grim Reaper) appears at the sound of a striking bell, accompanied by the roll of thunder and dramatic music. He chuckles grimly. Grimsy and Marcel originally met in MB S1E23, ‘Grimsy.’]
(Marcel points to Grimsy.)
(Marcel) Nobody called you, Grimsy!
(Marcel) Eh, but since you're here, come and have some lunch.
(Marcel) It's not tax-deductible, either, but I don't care.
(Marcel) (To Grimsy) What?
(Marcel) (To Grimsy) No, I don't think you can deduct lunch with Death as a business expense.
(Marcel) But I'm in a good mood, anyway, because it's a very busy restaurant, and if you come to lunch,
I bet we get a table all to ourselves, eh?
Strategy.
Yes, we’d like a table for one…two…
and, you know, Death…
Come on, Grimsy.
Don't forget your scythe.