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So there might be a question that you're asking that's making you unhappy. You might be asking
it when you're clashing with your significant other, you might be asking it when your boss
weighs in on your latest project; You might be asking it in the gap between what you
imagined your kids would be like and what they're actually like. This question could
be phrased a couple of different ways, but I'll say it this way: Why aren't you giving
me better stuff? Why aren't you giving me my ideal romantic experience? Why aren't you
giving me approval and promotion? Why aren't you making me look good, or at least making
my life easier? We also do this to inanimate objects. Why aren't you working? Why aren't
you giving me money? Why aren't you making me a winner? Most importantly, we ask this
question of life. We spend a lot of time stressing about this, having this internal dialogue
of worry where we're asking: why aren't things going better? How can I make things go better?
Why don't I have the reputation I want with the people around me? Why don't I have the
skills and talents I want, why aren't I catching the breaks that would really put me where
I want to be? A lot of people turn this question toward the concept of God. People point to
this to say there's probably no such thing as God, if God is so hip, why isn't he giving
all of us better stuff? Like less suffering, more happiness, more success, more winning
the lottery. Where are you, God? Why are you giving me these strange, confusing, often
very painful, or at least annoying, life events? If you love me, God, why aren't you giving
me better stuff? It's got to be up there with the most-asked questions of all time, if not
explicitly and verbally, then implicitly internally. But there's a major assumption here, one that's
rarely examined, which is, what really is "better stuff"? For example, a lot of people
think that one of the coolest things that could happen to them would be to suddenly
have a lot of free money. But as some of you have probably already heard, when people study this,
winning a huge pile of money doesn't make you happier Winning a smaller amount
of money and a BMW doesn't make you happier, and actually, winning big can damage your
ability to enjoy the regular, little events in your life. A lot of people think that it
would be really cool to be the best at something, to be an extraordinary talent, but a body
of studies find that olympic athletes, the best of the best, often struggle with pretty
serious depression after the olympics are over. But why? Why doesn't getting the things
we want make us happy? Isn't the lack of them the reason we were unhappy in the first place?
Or is there something else going on here? Well, here's a different theory. So, assuming
he isn't living at a level of poverty where he really needs money for a decent life, it
might be that what's driving this guy to want to win the lottery in the first place is an
internal state of being dissatisfied with your current situation, longing for more of
the things you don't have, and looking to that for happiness. That's the mode he's been
running. So when he actually does win, all this cash comes spilling in, it gets into
and changes his bank account, it gets into and changes his living situation, it gets
into and changes the number of boats he owns but it can't get into and change him. After
the initial surge wears off the program will continue to run. Now I'm dissatisfied with
my surroundings again. Yeah, I have a boat, but it breaks down sometimes and it's not
nearly as cool as the boat these guys at the end of the dock have. If only I could just
get an extra pile of cash and get THAT boat, then I'd be really set, and I wouldn't have
to worry... And while yeah, in a relationship you can work on compromising and trying to
meet each other's needs, but the problem is that here, on a certain level, both parties
are operating through the belief that "love equals somebody giving me what I want, or matching
up with my romantic expectations" and no matter how much that's placated and catered to by
the other partner, it's never going to turn into a real, sustainable, not self-centered
desire to be a good partner for someone--a.k.a love. The partner or the relationship isn't
the problem, THAT is the problem. So when we're throwing up that question the stuff
we're agonizing about not getting actually isn't good for us at all. The real problem
to be remedied in any of these situations is not what's happening in the situation,
it's our attitude toward the situation. It's our attitude toward money, it's our attitude
toward relationships, it's our attitude towards success. So if the cap on our happiness is
our internal world, what really is "better stuff"? Not stuff that improves our situation,
stuff that improves us. So if you're going to ask God "why aren't you giving me better
stuff?" that's fine, man, I know, life can be really frustrating. But just consider that
if we've been able to figure this out about what's good for us over the course of this
six minute video, an omniscient, omnipresent God would probably already already be on top
of this, and choosing what he gives when from this perspective--don't you think? I'm going
to suggest that you swap your question. Instead of asking, of situations, of events, of people,
"why aren't you giving me better stuff?" ask "how is this helping me grow?" "how is this
freeing me from the internal attitudes and beliefs that got me unhappy in the first place?"
Yeah, I didn't win, but losing has cooled my ego off with some humility, and really
has led me to be more accepting and forgiving towards flaws in myself and in others in a
way that I wasn't before. Not being able to just jump out of my situation, while it's
been a grind at times, has gotten me to better appreciate the things I do have, and that
ability to work with what I have has been so helpful since I started a family. Not getting
everything I want has forced me to take a look at myself and the dysfunction I bring
to the relationship like I never have before. It's actually improving the way I relate to
everyone I interact with. Switching that question might be the easiest
way in the world to shed a bunch of unhappiness, discontent, and anxiety. Just try it. Watch
the way it transforms situations, perspectives, experiences. And if you keep it up for a while
you might be able to see, on a bigger scale, just where and when you are getting
better stuff.