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HEY, BULL...
WHY SO GLUM?
OH, FIRST IT WAS GRENADA AND THEN LEBANON.
YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
IT SEEMS LIKE EVERY TIME
I START TO GET CLOSE TO A GIRL,
SHE GETS SHIPPED OUT.
WELL, MAYBE THIS NEXT CASE WILL CHEER HIM UP.
(PEOPLE ALL TALKING AT ONCE)
SETTLE DOWN!
THANK YOU.
Lana: YOUR HONOR...
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES THIS IS A GREAT JOB.
YEAH, UH, YOUR HONOR...
LET ME GUESS.
THIS GUY WAS CAUGHT PEEPING INTO THEIR DRESSING ROOM.
HE'S THE VICTIM, YOUR HONOR.
THE LADIES ARE THE DEFENDANTS.
DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME
THESE SWEET, INNOCENT-LOOKING YOUNG WOMEN...
BEAT THE SNOT OUT OF THIS MAN. RIGHT.
(WOMEN SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGES)
YOUR HONOR,
MY CLIENTS WERE LURED TO NEW YORK
UNDER THE GUISE
OF A LEGITIMATE BEAUTY CONTEST.
HOWEVER, IT TURNED OUT THAT MR. HARRIS HERE
DID NOT HAVE THE PRIZE MONEY HE CLAIMED TO HAVE.
THE GIRLS FOUND OUT DURING THE COMPETITION,
AND THEY RESPONDED.
YOUR HONOR, ACCORDING TO WITNESSES,
MISS CONGENIALITY LED THE ATTACK
WITH A KICK TO THE GROIN.
THE ONE IN THE POLKA SUIT OVER THERE
TRIED TO TWIST MY LIPS OFF.
(SPEAKING SWEDISH)
I BEG YOUR PARDON!
HOLD IT! ALL RIGHT!
THAT WILL BE ENOUGH OF THAT LANGUAGE.
I MEAN THE BICKERING, NOT THE SWEDISH.
YOUR HONOR, IT'S NOT ONLY SWEDISH,
BUT ITALIAN, JAPANESE, SPANISH, AND ARABIC.
WEREN'T THERE ANY INTERPRETERS AT THE PAGEANT?
ALL HIS BUDGET ALLOWED FOR
WAS ONE VIDEOTAPE MACHINE
AND A DRESSER NAMED VITO.
VITO! JA, VITO!
HEY, COME ON. THIS IS FOR CABLE TV.
I AIN'T GOT THE BUCKS TO THROW AROUND
LIKE THOSE BIG NETWORK PRODUCTIONS.
YOU KNOW, I COULD DO A WHOLE SHOW
FOR WHAT ONE OF THOSE BARBARA MANDRELL OUTFITS GO FOR.
YOU ARE A RESOURCEFUL MAN, MR. HARRIS,
BUT EVIDENTLY YOUR PROFIT COMES
AT SOME EXPENSE TO OTHERS.
YOUR HONOR, THE FACT IS
THAT THIS MAN IS NOT THE ONE
WHO IS ON TRIAL HERE,
ALTHOUGH THE PEOPLE WILL AGREE HIS ACTIONS
WERE ***-LIKE IN NATURE.
HE TWISTED THESE GIRLS' INNOCENT HOPES AND DREAMS
INTO...GROTESQUE NIGHTMARES OF HORROR.
YOU'RE ON MY SIDE, RIGHT?
YEAH. DON'T WORRY.
YOUR HONOR, I WOULD LIKE A CONTINUANCE OF THIS CASE
UNTIL INTERPRETERS CAN BE FOUND
AND THESE LADIES ARE PROVIDED FOR.
MR. PROSECUTOR?
ABSOLUTELY!
THEN IT IS SO ORDERED.
UH, YOUR HONOR,
BEING A SPEAKER OF ENGLISH,
I CAN MAKE MY STATEMENT NOW
IF IT WOULD HELP.
I LIKE TO HELP.
THAT'S WHY I'M MAJORING IN SPEECH THERAPY.
IT'S A WAY TO HELP
THOSE LESS FORTUNATE THAN OURSELVES
LEARN THE ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE
AND FUNCTION AS PRODUCTIVE HUMAN BEINGS
IN OUR SOCIETY.
I'VE GOT SOME PAPER BAGS IN THE OFFICE
IF YOU FEEL THE NEED.
I JUST LOVE OUR SYSTEM OF JUSTICE, YOUR HONOR.
THAT SYSTEM WORKS FOR ME,
AND BY GOLLY, I'LL WORK FOR IT.
BATON TWIRLER, RIGHT?
YES! HOW DID YOU KNOW?
LUCKY GUESS.
OH, THANK YOU.
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
(SPEAKING VERY SLOWLY) CAN YOU SAY "DAN"?
Lana: NEXT CASE, YOUR HONOR,
PEOPLE VS. ELEANOR BRANDON,
MALICIOUS MISCHIEF, CLASS "C."
MALICIOUS MISCHIEF?
I CHUCKED A ROCK THROUGH A PLATE GLASS WINDOW.
WELL, SO YOU DID.
BARTON JEWELRY STORE
WAS THE OFFENDED ESTABLISHMENT, YOUR HONOR.
MS. BRANDON, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY?
YES.
YOU'RE EVEN BETTER-LOOKING THAN I IMAGINED.
I'LL GET THOSE PAPER BAGS NOW.
WHEN HARRY WAS 4,
HIS HAIR WAS DARK LIKE HIS UNCLE OTTO.
WHO WOULD THINK
IT WOULD HAVE LIGHTENED UP SO MUCH?
YES. GOES NICELY WITH THE ROBE.
YOU KNOW MY UNCLE OTTO?
OF COURSE.
THEN I TAKE IT WE HAVE MET.
A LONG TIME AGO.
I'M AFRAID YOU HAVE THE ADVANTAGE, MISS BRANDON.
I JUST DON'T REMEMBER YOU.
WELL, HOW COULD YOU?
THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU, YOU WERE ONLY 5.
MISS BRANDON?
HARRY...
I'M YOUR MOTHER.
OH.
UH, PLEASED TO MEET YOU.
OH!
HARRY!
SAY, DID YOU CATCH THE MERV GRIFFIN SHOW
LAST NIGHT?
HE HAD THIS TALKING BIRD ON.
HARRY!
WHAT?
THAT WOMAN OUT THERE...
COULD SHE REALLY BE YOUR MOTHER?
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU DON'T KNOW?
MY MOM WALKED OUT ON ME WHEN I WAS 5.
DAD NEVER TALKED ABOUT HER.
AND WELL, FRANKLY, AFTER HE DIED,
I NEVER THOUGHT MUCH ABOUT HER.
ANYWAY, THE BIRD SAYS TO MERV...
HARRY!
YOU MEAN YOU NEVER THOUGHT
ABOUT WHERE YOUR MOTHER WAS,
WHAT SHE WAS DOING,
WHETHER SHE WAS DEAD OR ALIVE?
NO. HONESTLY, I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT THAT MUCH.
I MEAN, WHEN I WAS A KID GROWING UP,
MOTHER'S DAY DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING MORE TO ME
THAN GROUNDHOG'S DAY.
NEVER HAD ONE OF THOSE, EITHER.
YOUR HONOR,
CAN I USE SOME OF THE PETTY CASH
TO BUY FOOD FOR THOSE BATHING BEAUTIES?
SURE. HOW ARE THEY GETTING ALONG?
WELL, AS FAR AS I CAN TELL,
ON LOOKS ALONE.
I JUST HOPE THEY KNOW THAT AT 30,
THE PARTY'S OVER.
(SPEAKING SLOWLY) THIS IS HOUSTON STREET.
HERE'S THIRD...
AND THIS IS DAN'S APARTMENT.
All: DAN'S APARTMENT.
YES! DAN'S APARTMENT.
DAN'S APARTMENT IS GOOOOD.
Women: GOOOOD.
GOOOOD.
HELLO.
I LIKE YOUR DRESS.
(SPEAKING SWEDISH)
MY NAME'S BULL.
BULL...YOU KNOW, LIKE THE ANIMAL?
BULL...LIKE THIS.
(SPEAKING SWEDISH)
NO, NO, NO, NOT A COW.
A...BULL.
(SPEAKING SWEDISH)
YOU'VE GOT TO TALK TO HER.
THAT'S A GIVEN.
HOW DOES THIS LOOK?
HARRY, I ADMIT THAT IT'S POSSIBLE
THAT SHE'S NOT YOUR MOTHER,
BUT WHAT IF SHE IS?
YEAH, IT WOULD LOOK BETTER
IF THEY WERE LIGHTED, WOULDN'T IT?
OK, I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE DIVERTING YOURSELF.
I MEAN, IT'S VERY HARD TO HANDLE,
AND YOU'RE EMOTIONALLY UPSET.
OH, YES, YOU ARE.
I AM NOT UPSET!
WHY DON'T I MAKE YOU A NICE CUP OF TEA
TO CALM YOU DOWN?
I DON'T WANT ANY TEA.
I'VE GOT YOUR FAVORITE... CHERRY KOOL-AID!
LANA!
OK, OK.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
I MEAN, SOME WOMAN WALTZES IN HERE
WITH STRANGE CLAIMS.
THAT'S NO REASON FOR US
TO JUMP TO ANY DEFINITE CONCLUSIONS.
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
HI, MOM.
Liz: YOUR HONOR?
MY CLIENT WOULD LIKE
TO HAVE A FEW MINUTES WITH YOU,
IF THAT'S POSSIBLE.
SURE. COME ON IN. THE MORE THE MERRIER.
Lana: WELL, IF YOU'LL ALL EXCUSE ME,
I'VE GOT THINGS TO, UM...COLLATE.
YOUR HONOR...
I KNOW I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE FOR VERY LONG,
AND SOMETIMES I... WELL, SOMETIMES
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
I'D LIKE TO PASS ON SOME ADVICE
THAT MY UNCLE LIONEL USED TO GIVE ME.
TALK WITH YOUR HEAD...
BUT LISTEN WITH YOUR HEART.
HE SOUNDS LIKE A WISE MAN.
YES. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHY HE KILLED HIMSELF.
MISS BRANDON, HAVE A SEAT.
THANKS, HARRY.
SO...
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
NO, I DON'T THINK YOU DO.
OH.
WELL...
HERE IT IS IN A NUTSHELL.
WHEN I HAD YOU,
I WAS YOUNG... VERY YOUNG.
I COULDN'T HANDLE IT.
I WASN'T READY FOR IT.
I COULDN'T HANDLE ANYTHING THEN.
MISS BRANDON...
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS
I WASN'T WELL... EMOTIONALLY, THAT IS.
I MEAN, LET'S FACE IT.
ANYBODY WHO WOULD LEAVE THEIR CHILD
CAN'T BE EMOTIONALLY WELL, CAN SHE?
MISS BRANDON, YOU'RE UPSET NOW,
AND MAYBE YOU'RE A LITTLE MIXED UP.
ALL YOU'VE DONE IS BROKEN A WINDOW.
IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS.
WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE,
YOU HAD A LITTLE RED WAGON.
MISS BRANDON, LOTS OF LITTLE BOYS
HAD LITTLE RED WAGONS.
AND YOU USED TO TAKE YOUR DOG OLIVER
FOR RIDES IN IT.
THAT'S TRUE.
OH, YOU LOVED ANIMALS THEN.
DO YOU STILL LOVE ANIMALS?
YEAH. IN FACT, THERE WAS THIS BIRD
ON THE MERV GRIFFIN SHOW...
OH, I DON'T WANT ANYTHING, HARRY.
I DON'T WANT ANYTHING FROM YOU.
I JUST CAME HERE TO TELL YOU
THAT YOUR MOTHER LOVES YOU.
WELL, I'VE TAKEN UP ENOUGH OF YOUR TIME.
MISS BRANDON?
UNCLE OTTO... HOW MANY THUMBS DID HE HAVE?
LET'S TALK.
(LAUGHTER)
AND IT'S SHAPED LIKE A LITTLE STAR.
HA HA HA!
I BET HARRY COULD JUST DIE!
I MEAN, WHAT AN EMBARRASSING PLACE
FOR A MAN TO HAVE A BIRTHMARK.
HAVE YOU SEEN IT?
WHY...NO!
NOW, JUST GIVE THIS PIECE OF PAPER
TO THE CABBIE...
AND TELL HIM TO TAKE YOU THERE.
(ALL TALKING)
I ASSURE YOU THERE WILL BE NO FUNNY BUSINESS...
IF YOU DON'T WANT ANY.
NOW, THIS IS JUST AN OFFER TO HELP YOU
UNTIL YOU CAN GET BACK HOME.
PERHAPS IF WE THINK OF IT MERELY AS A TESTIMONY
TO THE SPIRIT OF EASING INTERNATIONAL...TENSIONS.
OUR OWN LITTLE OLYMPIC GAMES.
(ALL TALKING)
HIYA.
HA HA HA! STORY HERE ABOUT A MAN
WHO ATE NOTHING BUT SEAWEED FOR 3 YEARS.
CRAZY, HUH?
YEAH. YOU GOT ANY CHOCOLATE CIGARETTES?
I'LL CHECK.
HI.
HI.
SO HOW DID IT GO WITH YOUR...
MOTHER?
WHATEVER.
WELL, SHE SEEMS TO KNOW A LOT ABOUT ME.
I'VE GOT THIS BLURRY 30-YEAR-OLD PHOTOGRAPH.
COULD BE HER.
COULD BE RED BUTTONS, TOO.
YEAH.
THEN I MADE A FEW PHONE CALLS, AND SOME THINGS DO FIT.
SO YOU THINK IT'S A POSSIBILITY?
THERE ARE MORE THINGS IN HEAVEN AND EARTH.
EXCEPT CHOCOLATE CIGARETTES.
WE'RE OUT.
DARN.
CAN I SHOW YOU SOMETHING IN A BUBBLE GUM CIGAR?
HA HA HA!
I LOVE DEAR ABBY, DON'T YOU?
WHO DOESN'T?
HA HA HA!
DAN FIELDING, ASSISTANT DISTRICT ATTORNEY.
I'M BARBARA,
BUT MY FRIENDS CALL ME BUFFY.
GET IT? BARBARA...BUFFY?
YEAH.
I GET IT.
DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
I'M AFRAID NOT.
WELL, THEN LET'S GIVE YOU ONE.
HEY.
LET'S SEE... DAN FIELDING.
HOW ABOUT, UH...DINO!
I LIKE IT.
I REALLY DO.
BUT JUST FOR TONIGHT.
OH! HA HA HA!
CAN ANYONE SIT HERE?
SURE. JOIN US.
(LANA CLEARING HER THROAT)
I MEAN, UH, I HAVE TO BE RUNNING ALONG MYSELF,
BUT SIT DOWN!
SELMA, DON'T YOU HAVE TO GO, TOO?
NO.
BUT WHAT DO I KNOW?
SEE YA.
THOSE PEOPLE REALLY LIKE YOU.
I LIKE THEM, TOO.
OH, LIZ TOLD ME
ABOUT THE STORE OWNER DROPPING THE CHARGES
IF I OFFER TO PAY FOR THE WINDOW.
HAVE YOU GOT THE MONEY?
OH, I GOT THE MONEY. THANKS.
GOOD.
WELL...I BETTER BE GOING.
YOU TAKE CARE.
IT WAS VERY NICE TO SEE YOU, HARRY.
BYE.
ELEANOR?
MAYBE YOU WANT TO HANG AROUND FOR A WHILE
AND WATCH THE SESSION.
AND THEN AFTERWARDS,
WE COULD GO OUT AND HAVE A DRINK
OR SOME COFFEE,
YOU KNOW, AND TALK.
OH, YEAH, SURE. I'D LIKE THAT.
I LOVE TO TALK.
YEAH, ME, TOO.
IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY.
YEAH.
HAVING LISTENED TO THE TESTIMONY
AND READ THE STATEMENTS,
THE COURT FINDS THE DEFENDANTS NOT GUILTY.
AAH! OH, THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
OH, WHAT A SURPRISE! I WASN'T EXPECTING IT.
I DON'T HAVE A PREPARED STATEMENT OR ANYTHING!
THE COURT UNDERSTANDS, BELIEVE ME,
AND WE ARE GRATEFUL.
OH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU! OH, WE WON!
Lana: YOUR HONOR,
WE'VE MADE PROVISIONS FOR ALL THE WOMEN
TO BE SHELTERED THROUGH THEIR CONSULATES,
EXCEPT MISS SWEDEN.
NOBODY WAS THERE WHEN WE CALLED,
BUT THEY WILL BE IN A HOUR,
AND SHE'LL BE TAKEN IN.
FINE.
YOU'VE BEEN ACQUITTED.
YOU'RE FREE.
WE WON'T HAVE TO USE THESE.
(SPEAKING SWEDISH)
Dan: OF COURSE,
YOU ALL DON'T HAVE TO GO TO YOUR CONSULATES
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.
WOULD YOU TELL HER THAT?
NO, REALLY, NO, GO AHEAD. TELL HER THAT.
THIS IS A FREE COUNTRY. LIVES HAVE BEEN LAID DOWN
SO THAT YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO ASSEMBLE
ANYWHERE YOU WISH!
EXCUSE ME.
WHO DO I SEE
ABOUT FINDING SOMEBODY WHO WAS ARRESTED?
I'M THE COURT CLERK.
OH, GREAT.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND
MRS. ELEANOR BRANDON?
UH, YEAH. SHE'S RIGHT OVER THERE.
Man: THANK GOD!
MA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
LEONARD, WHAT A SURPRISE.
THEY TOLD ME YOU WERE UNDER ARREST
FOR BREAKING A WINDOW.
IT'S ALL STRAIGHTENED OUT.
DON'T WORRY.
THIS IS YOUR MOTHER, MR...
BRANDON... LEONARD BRANDON, YOUR HONOR.
YES, THIS IS MY MOTHER.
LOOK, I AM SORRY
IF SHE HAS CAUSED YOU ANY TROUBLE.
NO TROUBLE... NO TROUBLE AT ALL.
ACTUALLY, SHE HAS BEEN DOING
A LOT OF...WEIRD THINGS
FOR THE LAST COUPLE YEARS,
AND, WELL, FRANKLY, I THINK
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SERIOUSLY CONSIDER
PUTTING HER IN A HOME
OR A SANITARIUM OR SOMETHING.
I AM IN A SANITARIUM NOW!
NO, YOU'RE NOT, MA.
YOU'RE IN AN ADULT APARTMENT COMPLEX.
IT'S A WONDERFUL PLACE, REALLY...
PEOPLE HER OWN AGE, COMMUNAL MEALS,
BOCCIE BALL.
IT'S A JAIL!
IT IS NOT A JAIL, MA.
SO HOW COME I'M NOT ALLOWED VISITORS?
THEY'RE ALLOWED VISITORS.
SO HOW COME I NEVER SEE YOU THERE?
MOM, CAN WE NOT GO INTO THIS NOW, PLEASE?
YOU KNOW I'VE GOT A BUSINESS TO RUN.
HARRY'S GOT A BUSINESS, TOO,
BUT HE MAKES TIME FOR ME.
WHO THE HELL IS HARRY?
(QUIETLY) THE JUDGE?
OH, WELL, LISTEN, YOUR HONOR,
I APOLOGIZE.
I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS BOTHERING YOU.
THAT'S A LONELY LADY THERE, MR. BRANDON.
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
NO, I THINK IT'S HERS YOU OUGHT TO BEG.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND A WORD YOU'RE SAYING.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE YOUR TONE
IN MY COURTROOM, MR. BRANDON.
I'M GOING TO SENTENCE YOU FOR CONTEMPT OF COURT.
SENTENCE ME FOR CONTEMPT OF COURT?!
YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
MISS WAGNER.
NEVER SAY TO A JUDGE "YOU CAN'T DO THAT."
IT IS THE SENTENCE OF THIS COURT
THAT YOU BE HELD IN CONTEMPT AND JAILED
UNTIL SUCH TIME AS YOU CHOOSE
TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE FACT
THAT YOU'VE GOT A MOTHER.
HA HA HA HA!
THAT'S CRAZY.
MISS WAGNER.
NEVER SAY TO A JUDGE
"THAT'S CRAZY."
YOUR MOTHER'S LONELY, MR. BRANDON,
AND IF YOU CAN'T SEE THAT NOW,
THEN NO AMOUNT OF TIME IN JAIL
IS GOING TO HELP YOU SEE IT ANY MORE CLEARLY.
THE COURT WITHDRAWS THE CONTEMPT CHARGE.
SAY, AM I...
FREE? YES.
THOUGHT SO.
YOU HAVE A LOT OF PETS, DON'T YOU, ELEANOR?
YEAH! OH, I USED TO... FISH, MOSTLY.
THE MAN AT THE PET STORE TOLD ME
I OVERFED THEM, THOUGH.
I THOUGHT FLOATING
WAS JUST THEIR WAY OF RESTING.
COME ON, MA. I'LL TAKE YOU BACK.
FISH CAN'T TALK TO YOU, LEONARD.
OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SIR.
I'LL MAKE A NOTE OF THAT.
YOUR MOTHER MISSES YOU, LEONARD.
SHE MISSES YOU SO MUCH
THAT SHE INVENTED ANOTHER SON.
WHO?
OH, MA. A JUDGE?
YOU HARASSED A JUDGE?
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU WOULD DO THAT.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHE WOULD DO THAT?
OH, MA!
MAYBE LEONARD'S RIGHT.
MAYBE I OUGHT TO BE PUT AWAY.
I DON'T THINK SO.
I UNDERSTAND, ELEANOR, REALLY.
I'M SORRY.
HOW DID YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT ME?
I READ A NEWSPAPER ARTICLE
ABOUT HOW YOU GREW UP WITHOUT A MOTHER,
AND THEN I DID A LITTLE MORE RESEARCH.
AND THEN YOU DECIDED TO ADOPT ME, HUH?
YEAH, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
AND UNCLE OTTO?
LUCKY GUESS. I ALMOST SAID 3.
HARRY...I GUESS I THOUGHT MAYBE,
DOWN DEEP INSIDE, THAT...WELL...
THAT MAYBE YOU'D GET SOMETHING
OUT OF THIS, TOO.
I DID. I REALLY DID, ELEANOR.
BUT DON'T EVER DO THAT TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
COME ON, MA.
LET'S GO GET SOMETHING TO EAT.
I'M SORRY, LEONARD. ELEANOR AND I HAVE A DATE.
THIS IS MY MOTHER!
SHE IS GOING WITH ME!
SOME OTHER TIME, HARRY?
SURE, SOME OTHER TIME.
MOM ALWAYS DID LIKE YOU BEST.
(SPEAKING SWEDISH)
AW, SHUT UP, WILL YA?