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I am the target.
I am the target.
I am the target.
Then go already!
Ya big...
bag with which one douches.
I'm sorry, what's that?
I can't hear you...
Over the sound...
Of my deafening awesomeness.
Women...
Oh, I hate him so much.
Three hundred bucks, ladies!
Come render the
salad unto Caesar!
Whoa whoa whoa! Huh-uh!
We're still in the lead.
Well yeah, but just by one.
Yes?
And Cyril's got three throws
left to get two measly points!
For the win.
Exactly.
Are you *** me?!
Will you shut up?!
Ignore him, forget those first two
darts, and just find your center.
Maybe it's in your ***...
C'mon, Cyril! Whassa matter?
Can't perform under pressure?
I...
Could you repeat that, please?
Onomotopoeia.
O, N, O, M... O, T, O... Pee?
Geezie Petes.
You idiot!
How could you miss that?!
How could he not?
He's Cyril!
C'mon ladies, I'm buyin!
Way to go, Chokely Carmichael.
Hey Pam, wait up!
C'mon, get me drunk enough, and
I might have sex with you.
Really?!
No, it's a Catch-22.
The amount of alcohol I'd
need would literally kill me.
But I do wanna see how many pool
balls can fit in your mouth.
My record's three...
Come on, buddy...
You want a drink?
Not even some vinegar and water?!
With friends like that, eh?
Hm?
Your friends.
Well, they're not really my friends,
we just work togeth...
Oh, hello...
ISIS, you said?
I... No, I didn't say that.
Well, somebody must've.
Champagne?
George, by the way.
George Spelvin.
Cyril Figgis. And thank you.
Neh, thank me tomorrow...
After Cyril Figgis saves the day.
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
I dunno what Mother's so mad about, but...
God, Pam, would you hurry up?
Would you shut up?!
Frickin head's poundin, I'm sweatin
***, and my mouth is killin me.
You're the one who stuffed
four pool balls in it.
Personal best!
Your mother must be so proud...
Yeah, oh wait, she's dead.
And what's up with your mother?
What comes after infuriated?
Great, that's what I need,
coming off a blackout drunk.
Yeah, the last thing I remember was...
I don't know, were we super-*** to Cyril?
Yeah, that sounds about right.
Great, now he's gonna be moping around
like Droopy Dawg on downers for...
Morning, gang!
Jeez Archer, what's got
your mom so darn worked up?
This! Krieger?
And the damn thing is spreading!
To every computer in the office!
Do you think this is funny?!
Do you not?
Nobody can do any work!
Yeah, so can we go home?
Absolutely!
Right after you idiots de-worm
the entire computer network!
How're we supposed to do that?!
Well, I could take a crack at it...
Don't! Touch it!
Cyril!
Go do whatever it is you do...
Like suck at stuff.
And leave this to people
who are more qualified.
At not sucking at stuff.
Cyril, beat it!
Krieger is on this!
I think.
I mean, least I have a...
Hunch, hunch!
What, what?!
Ahem. Inappropriate.
What do you mean?
No, I mean the first part worked.
I snuck into the mainframe last night,
after all the champagne and the, uh...
Handjobs.
Yeah, The twins are
quite fond of you.
I loaded that into the mainframe...
Splendid!
Then open your dish!
But part two, where I use your secret
code to kill the worm and kinda,
be the hero for once,
that didn't happen.
Don't worry about
it, open your dish.
No thanks...
Cyril.
I got that specially for you, and
quite frankly you're insulting me.
Now open.
Your dish.
Sorry George, I didn't mean to be...
George there's money in there!
Oh good, for a second I thought they'd
brought you chicken toes or something.
George why is there
money in there?!
Cyril, I've been...
just a teeny bit less than honest with you.
Oh no...
No now, it's nothing sinister.
I design computer
security systems.
CIA, MI-6, ODIN,
all the biggies.
You...
must be pretty good at it.
Too good, that's the problem.
My systems can't be hacked, so now I
can't convince anyone to upgrade.
Which is why I designed this.
And thanks for
helping me test it.
If it's that easy on an XL-9
network like the one at ISIS,
I think I can convince my
clients they're at risk.
Wh-? ! What kind of risk?!
Not from this!
It's just a cute little pirate.
But it shows there are...
flaws out there that can be exploited.
By bad people.
Trust me, it's for
the greater good.
Yeah, I guess... it just seems
Look, if you're uncomfortable
taking the fifty grand, I'll just...
No no! Fifty grand?
- Wow... No, I mean, as long as it's for
the greater good... - Oh, it is.
And as long as I can still, ya know,
swoop in and save the day...
OK...
That might be a problem.
Ya think?!
I do.
Because now the worm is in the mainframe
databanks, and...
Dammit, Pam!
Sorry!
I was just checkin to see
if it's still doin it!
Of course it's still doing it!
"Hunch, hunch!"
What, what?
Pam!
That's not me!
Yes it is!
Pam, I swear to God...!
Yeah, quit screwing around, Pam!
This is serious.
Very.
Because if the worm gets into the
mainframe's encrypted files...
Holy ***! The identity of every single
ISIS field agent is on there!
So what?
Because most secret agents
don't tell every harlot from
here to Hanoi that they
are secret agents!
Then why be one?
"Hunch, hunch! What, what?"
Just turn off the mainframe!
Yeah, we tried that...
Then how is it still on?!
Because the worm has transformed
the mainframe... into a sentient being!
What?!
I'm kidding, there's
a battery backup.
Yeah. Over there.
Behind about two tons of steel,
and one electronic lock.
Which is controlled
by the mainframe.
Well what genius
thought that up?!
This one.
Sorry!
And where the hell have you been?
On agency business.
At the bank.
Sesame Ginger Savings and Loan?
What's all this?
This, is the backbreaking work we've been
doing, while you were getting takeout
from your stupid Chinese bank!
Every single one of these has to be
wiped, reformatted, the whole shmeel.
What? But it's just a little
cartoon pirate!
Was. But it mutated, and now we're
like, on the brink of World War Two.
Three.
It's not a competition, Pam!
Well, is it or isn't it?!
I don't know! I mean, the mainframe
thinks they're nuclear missile launches,
but it's so screwed up... "Hunch, hunch!
What, what?"
Sorry!
Case in point, there's really no
way to be sure.
So what am I supposed to do,
just look out the window?!
No, you don't wanna be
anywhere near a window.
Same thing in a tornado.
And they can't even turn off
the stupid mainframe because
some stupid battery thing
is in some stupid vault.
But they don't need to turn off the...
Darn it, I can fix this!
Oh please, he couldn't fix...
dinner.
He doesn't need to, with a bank like...
Not a real bank.
Dammit!
Sorry... But I have no idea
how to open this thing.
Not really my... legerdemain.
You mean bailiwick?
I dunno, whatever, look out.
What're you... Archer, no!
For the love of God, man!
You massive ssshole!
I'm sorry, I thought
that would work!
Really.
No, look at that thing.
It's like it's made out
of Wolverine's bones.
You know...
Cause they're...
Does nobody read X-Men?!
So hey, how about I take a crack?
I bet I can kill
that pesky old worm.
How?
Ya gonna disappoint it to death?
Hey, ya know what?!
Yes, I do.
Beat it Cyril, let
the grown-ups work.
But leave this, I'm starving.
No! Gimme that!
Hey, wait a damn minute!
I said I was hungry.
Great.
Rrrrungh!
There, now we don't have to
re-format all those stupid things.
- Brilliant.
- Right?
Totally.
Because how's the elevator
supposed to work with a jillion
pounds of frickin
computers on it?!
Who am I, Elisha Otis?
C'mon, pick up pick up pick up...
Cyril.
What's going on with you?
Nothing's going on!
Hi, you've reached George Spelvin,
por Espanol...
Hated that phone.
Always dropping calls.
Probably holding it wrong.
Oh yeah, just like Cyril Figgis
always does everything wrong,
is that what you mean?!
Basically.
Well for your information, Cyril
Figgis knows how to beat the worm!
I bet.
The computer worm!
Krieger can't even beat it!
Krieger, who's virtual girlfriend is so
real the state of New York
is allowing
him to legally marry her!
Oh, Kureega-san!
Soon we will to be married, yes?
Very soon, my little cherry blossom...
Would you please! Focus!
Nooooo!
Kureega-san!
Nooooo! You maniac!
You blew her up!
Oh, damn you!
God damn you all to hell!
So how's this going?
Not great.
The worm's decrypting the ISIS
agent list and then, apparently,
it's going to upload them
to an off-site server.
Oh my God...
Plus now I'm going to die alone.
And once the worm decrypts the cover
list and uploads it - to whoever is
behind this foul deed - every ISIS
agent in the field will be exposed.
And probably killed.
Oh my... Archer, do something!
Who am I, Alan Turing?
Also from X-Men.
Sterling!
What?!
Are we keeping you
from something?
No.
Well?
Well what? Cyril was just
right here Like, one second ago.
So where are we, what's the plan?
I'm going to sell it.
The Russians, maybe the North Koreans...
famine or no,
they've got a shitload of money.
But... you can't do that!
One moment, darlings...
Of course I can.
Once my little worm uploads
the list to my server.
But it's not yours!
You stole it!
Bought it. From you.
Well, then sell it back to me!
Can't.
You just said you could!
Well "won't" then, whatever.
Look.
Take the money back!
Here's the... almost
fifty thousand!
Count it!
You'd still be about
three zeros short.
Fifty million?!
Seller's market.
But that's not fair... oww!
It is exactly fair!
You made a choice!
And just like every other choice that
every other human being has ever made,
it has a consequence!
But I just wanted to show them I could...
Them?!
Or maybe your father, who never
thought you quite measured up!
He... how did you know that?
- Just a guess really. - Okay okay, what if...
what if I get you the fifty million?
One is inclined to ask how.
Well I happen to be...
a kickass accountant!
Did that sound a lot
better in your head?
Yes it did.
Damn, thas over half
the cover list!
Krieger, we don't have much time!
Can you stop the worm or not?!
Oh... I thought we were putting all our
eggs in the battery-shutdown basket.
No, it could take hours for this
thing to bypass the electronic lock!
Well then I better
get my turtleneck.
Archer! Hey so, uh... you busy?
Yes!
Or no, I dunno.
Who's asking?
You, Cyril,
are a [BEEP] idiot!
I just wanted to show everybody
I could perform under pressure!
And just for once, be
the guy who... oww!
Who what?!
Betrays the agency?!
And then begs me to save you?!
No, not me!
All those field agents!
Rrgh!
How much did he pay you?
Fif... orty thousand?
Cyril.
Fifty thousand.
Mine.
- But I already spent like, three thousand
on new suits, and shoes and... - Mine.
Take the suits to my tailor and
the shoes to my shoemaker.
You have a shoemaker?
Do you not?
I am unbelievably
angry right now.
That's good, you
should channel that.
Onto Spelvin, whose
fault this is.
Shut up and break it down for me.
You've been inside,
what's the layout?
Well, let's see uh, it's pretty big...
What's the floorplan!
Where's the primary ingress!
Orientation!
Are there windows, do they face west,
can we use the sun to our advantage?!
I'm pretty sure it has windows...
Gimme the gun.
No, why?
We're here, idiot.
Oh.
Once you're in, give
this to Spelvin.
It's full of counterfeit
bearer bonds.
Where'd you get
counterfeit bearer bonds.
Don't open it!
There's a canister of knockout
gas wired to the latch.
Cool...
Duh.
Okay, try not to screw...
Wait, it's just Spelvin up there, right?
Um...
Cyril.
There's probably two incredibly
sexy Asian women in bikinis?
Oh.
I'm suddenly much less angry.
Well, you say that...
Dammit, the worm's got the list!
How long will it take to
upload it to the server?!
I dunno, maybe... five hours?
Oh good, then we've got some time
Or minutes, look I'm a little busy.
Gettin back in the
ol' dating game.
Yep!
Fifty million dollars
in real bearer bonds!
Which are um, real.
Unbelievable.
Well, like I said...
Literally.
I don't believe you.
Just open it up and look!
At what, Cyril?
A big spritz of knockout gas?
Apparently not.
Exactly!
Because I don't even know
if that's a real thing!
Okay, Spelvin, where's
the ISIS cover list?
Over there, on the server.
Where's the... Hellooo, kitties...
Listen, if you're not busy
after, we should go grab
a drink or... Wh-?!
Dammit, Cyril!
Remember to channel it!
You said they were sexy!
Ninjas are sexy!
Right?
I mean I think so.
Look, I don't
want to hurt you ladies...
So how about we all just put our swords
down and...
You don't have a sword.
Can I?
Sure, why not.
Keiko, katana!
Well now she doesn't have a...
We're just set on doing this, huh?
Yes, we are.
Gotcha.
That was a gift.
Shut up.
Come on.
Sorry in advance for this.
Wait wait, stop!
Stop.
Do you hear that?!
Hear what?!
That crunching noise?
Do you hear this?!
No no no, hang on,
don't... aaaghhh!
Channel it Archer, channel it!
***!
I think so.
Cyril, get the [BEEP] gun!
Okay...
You're bringing this on yourself!
Any time now, Cyril!
Pity... Probably have to knock five percent
off my asking price for the list...
More than that, I bet.
Seller's market.
Wait wait, stop! Stop!
Do you hear that?!
No, you ***, the only thing I hear is...
D-drop it, Spelvin!
Oh Cyril...
I'm warning you!
Shoot him! But just him, I think
the twins are warming up to me.
Right, you guys?
Am I getting some signals?
Shut up.
Make me.
Cyril, we both know
you can't do it.
Y-yes I can!
Then go ahead, Cyril... shoot!
Just him though!
Right?
I...I...
Don't have it in you.
Don't have it now, didn't have it when
you were a wheezy, four-eyed little kid,
trying to impress daddy.
How did you fail him?
Was it sports?
I was all-conference lacrosse.
Pretty demanding sport,
pretty tough on the glutes.
This one knows what I'm talking about, right?
I see you checking 'em out.
No not sports, lookit you,
shoulders like a trout.
Spelvin...
What?
What was the failure
that forever
killed the love in your father's heart?
Regional spelling bee.
Holy ***...
You suck at everything!
Oh, it's not his fault, he just...
You whinging little ***.
You just cost me fifty
million dollars!
But I'm gonna get my money's worth in...
Ah ah!
I've still got one bullet.
Does he?
Who am I, Count...Bullets...ula?
Like Dracula?
That was bad.
Come back to me, I can do better.
I will come back to you.
Because even if you do have one left,
you can't shoot all three of us.
No. Just you.
All right, fair enough.
C'mon girls.
Hey, call me if you ever
wanna get that drink.
Either of you, both, whatever.
Unless the sister-thing
is weird for you.
I'm... obviously way into it.
Alright, Archer...
you win this round.
No ***, Spelvin.
Well technically I won it, but...
Jeezy Petes, Archer!
Coulda sworn you only fired six.
You coulda blown my foot off!
Yeah which you totally
deserve after what you did!
I'm sorry, okay?
And I promise, I'll never do
anything like that again!
So...
So what?
So do you...
have to tell anybody?
Depends.
You learn anything?
Oh God yes, I did, I swear, I learned
a huge, valuable lesson that I will
remember for the rest of my life!
Which you will spend never knowing
if I'm gonna rat you out.
What?!
Yeah.
So now what'd you learnn?
To... never confide in you?
There ya go. See?
As long as you learn something
from it, it's not a mistake.
Okay...
Where...Archer, where are you going?
Well judging from the decor,
I'm guessing Spelvin's got
one of those kickass
Japanese soaking tubs.
Wh-? ! After all that,
you wanna take a bath?!
Do you not?
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com