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Well, Morrie, if you're
not cheating on your wife,
and she still suspects you,
then we're obviously dealing
with a trust issue.
MORRIE:
More like a crazy issue.
And I know where she gets it--
from her mother.
Who, by the way,
came for Thanksgiving
and still hasn't left.
Happy New Year.
Perhaps we should tackle
these issues one at a time.
(knocking on door)
I'm in the bathroom, Celeste.
A little privacy?
You see how she gets?
Well, perhaps
what is needed here is a...
CELESTE:
You think I don't know
who you're in there
talking to, Morrie?
It's your little ***,
isn't it?
Hello, ***.
Celeste, if I could interrupt
for just a moment...
A man?! It's worse
than I thought!
WOMAN 2:
Celeste!
CELESTE:
Hang up, Ma.
MA:
You're all on the radio.
I'm listening in the kitchen
.
MORRIE:
How about washing a dish or two
while you're down there?
GIRL:
I cannot stand this yelling.
I'm running away from home
!
.
MORRIE:
Hang up the phone, Britney.
You're going nowhere.
And neither
is this conversation.
Well, that's
our show for today,
with a brief program note.
My KACL colleagues and I
are competing
against a team at KPXY
to see who can shed
the most pounds for charity.
We're off to our
first weigh-in right now.
You can keep track
of our progress
on Channel 6's
Coffee With Kelly.
Wish us luck.
Okay, everybody.
Iet's power this crap down
.
Why?
The more you eat
before the contest,
the more you artificially
boost your starting weight.
We got cheeseburgers,
doughnuts, french fries, tacos.
And a duck confit
that's as rich as Donald Trump
and twice as greasy.
Well, it hardly seems in the
spirit of the competition.
The entire premise here
is to raise awareness
about the obesity epidemic in this country.
Come on, Frasier.
The winning team
gets a free trip to Vegas!
(all cheering)
Four glorious days
in Sin City,
with all its
gaudy brilliance--
the feathered headdresses,
the fishnet stockings...
I'm just wearing an aloha shirt, myself.
Come on, Shempsky,
pick up the pace.
I have a digestive disorder
where if I eat too much
or too little,
I get incapacitating
stomach cramps.
ROZ:
It's okay, Noel.
You do what's
right for you.
But wouldn't
a trip to Vegas
be really fun?
And remember, what
happens in Vegas...
stays in Vegas.
Eat up, Doc.
I will do
no such thing.
It's not fair, and it
is unsportsmanlike.
Aw, who's it going to hurt?
(screaming)
Shake it off, kid.
Nobody likes a whiner.
(doorbell rings)
Hey, Niles, Daph.
No time for chitchat.
Pregnant lady
coming through.
What happened
to your wrist?
Oh, uh...
she rolled over in her sleep
and pinned me again.
I even saw it
coming this time,
Iike the big rock in
that Indiana Jones movie.
Does she know she did it?
No, no.
I didn't want
to hurt her feelings,
so I just... I just,
uh... made up an excuse...
What is Eddie doing?
Oh, he's waiting for
a pigeon friend of his.
We call him Barney.
Flies on the balcony every day,
and they stare at each other.
Those crazy animals.
Yesterday, they did
it for three hours.
(scoffs)
No, I'm not making it up.
I watched them the whole time.
Oh, is your wrist
still bothering you, dear?
Oh, just
a little flare-up.
Oh, poor thing
slept on it funny.
Woke up screaming
like a dying rabbit.
Hey, Fras.
How was the weigh-in?
It was appalling, thank you.
My teammates ridiculed me
for not pigging out beforehand.
You know, what is it about teams
and competitions that just
brings out the worst in people?
Here we go again.
What?
Well, Frasier and team sports
are not a happy mix.
...
Freshman year,
in a bid to please Dad
There is no need
to tell that story
Frasier inadvertently
joined the girls'
field hockey team.
The sign-up sheet said,
"F. Hockey. "
I assumed it meant
"freshman" hockey.
The little plaid skirt
didn't tip you off?
I thought it was a kilt!
Well, I'm starving.
Where shall we
go for dinner?
(thump
)
What was that?
(gasps) Barney!
Daph, would you take
Eddie to my room?
I don't want him to see this.
Come on, boy.
Come on.
Oh, how did
this happen?
Oh, now, Dad, birds
do fly into windows.
I know. That's why I keep
a safety smudge right there.
Where did it go?
Niles...
I'm... I'm... I'm sorry.
It... it's a reflex.
I... I... I don't
even know I'm doing it.
Are you happy?
You killed Eddie's
little friend.
Poor little guy.
What should we do,
just kick him over the edge?
Dad, wait.
He's still breathing.
Oh! Then pick him up.
But birds are notorious
carriers of disease.
Oh, here. Use my hankie.
I'll take my chances.
Oh, don't you quit
on us, Barney.
You're going
to be good as new.
See? That's why we
need a safety smudge.
We'll be right back
to see how our
teams are doing
in the first week
of our Fat to Fit
Weight Loss Challenge,
so stay right here.
Hey, look.
It's them.
ROZ:
Oh, those robes!
Makes them look like
they're in some kind of cult.
Like the high priests
of Asmodeus the Destroyer.
Asmodeus--
demon of ***,
eater of worlds.
Does nobody read my e-mails?
KELLY:
Welcome back.
So let's see how our teams
fared this week.
Come on in, guys!
Come on in!
Okay.
Kenny, who's that
last guy on their team?
Oh, Wayne Shafter.
He's the new
general manager.
So...
we meet again...
Wayne Shafter.
You know him?
We went to high
school together.
He was the captain
of the football team--
Mr. Popularity--
and my chief rival
for the affections of our
Swedish exchange student,
Giselle
Johannson-Jansen.
Yeah? So, how
did that work out?
Great. We got married
and had six kids.
What do you think?
Wayne Shafter?
Yeah?
Frasier Crane.
Hey, F. Hockey!
What have you
been up to?
Oh, you know,
not much.
Harvard, Oxford,
M.D., PhD.
And then,
just recently--
Hey, remember
that time
I took your chess set
and made you cry?
You did not
make me cry.
I chose to cry
as a tactic to
elicit sympathy
and thereby regain
my chess set.
I threw it in the Dumpster
behind the cafeteria, didn't I?
I don't know.
It was never found.
No, I did.
And last up for KACL,
my old friend,
Dr. Frasier Crane.
Hi, Kelly.
Hey, Fras.
Good to see you.
Ooh! Ouch!
One pound heavier, Fras.
Well, that can't be.
I've added a salad
to every meal.
So, at the end
of one week,
it's KPXY down 1 7 pounds,
KACL down nine.
That's all
the time we have.
Join me tomorrow,
when my guests
will be the
Senior Citizen Handbell Chorus.
Have a neat day!
Listen, muscle weighs
more than fat, you know,
and the way I've been
working out lately--
Save it, lard-***.
Hey, you know, Crane?
When they say,
"Take one for the team, "
they don't mean another cruller.
Oh, shut up, Shafter.
You'rea cruller.
Oh, give it up. I'll drop you
a postcard from Vegas.
We are going to win
this competition, mister.
And when we do, you will
replace that chess set.
Okay, deal.
But if we win,
you're showing up
at our station
in your little
field hockey uniform.
You're on, you fat scoundrel.
All right.
Shake on it.
Psych!
I'm sorry. Sorry.
That wasn't cool. Here we go.
Psych!
Hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute.
It's not a deal
unless we shake on it. Come on.
Come on.
I'm wouldn't do it
for a third time.
All right.
Psych!
God, I missed you.
Hello, Martin.
Hey, Dad.
How's Barney doing?
Oh, he's doing
a lot better today.
Great. I brought
him a treat.
Millet and sunflower kernels,
with added calcium
for beak conditioning.
What happened
to your neck?
Oh, fell out of bed.
He's been so
accident-prone lately.
Every morning,
it's something else.
Shamu jump the tank again?
Fortunately, I moisturized
right before bed,
so I squirted out
like a watermelon seed.
(exhaling deeply)
You all right, son?
Walked upstairs.
Why did you
walk upstairs?
Burning calories.
Oh, yes, I saw you on TV.
You know, that Kelly Kirkland
is quite an actress.
I once saw her in a production
of Love Letters
with Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Tears.
I've decided to rededicate myself to this diet.
The opposing team is captained
by my old high school nemesis,
Wayne Shafter.
(gasps) Which one was he?
Thick neck, dead eyes,
snapped your PBS umbrella.
For the next two weeks,
I shall be a speed-walking,
calorie-burning,
pound-shedding machine.
Daphne,
didn't you purchase
some sort of
stomach-tightening
apparatus for Dad?
The Ab Blaster
or the Flab Buster?
Bring me both of them.
I'll put them together,
see if I can get
a real good workout going.
So... is that
bird nesting
in my cashmere scarf?
Yeah. We tried
a whole bunch of them.
That's the one he likes best.
All right,
that's it.
I want that sky rat
out of here.
Oh, no! Eddie
will be crushed.
The bird
is like his pet.
Eddieisa pet!
He doesn't get to have a pet
I guess Barney
is pretty well recovered.
Yeah, I guess.
Well, time to go, Barney.
Oh, Eddie,
don't worry.
He'll come back and visit you.
It's kind of hard
letting him go.
Now I know how you
must have felt
all those times
when you dropped me off
at musical theater camp.
Sad and frightened...
Lots of emotions, son.
Barney,
remember us fondly
as you spread
your wings
and soar free.
Oh, my God! Barney!
Where did he go?
Is he soaring free?
He bounced off the railing
and landed
on the Cunninghams' balcony.
Dad, look--
his wing just moved.
!
.
He's alive
I'll go get him.
Hurry! Hurry!
Don't you die!
I love you,
you tough old bird.
Not you, Mrs. Cunningham.
Hey, what did I tell you
about smoking in the booth?
Oh, bite me.
I need something
to kill my appetite
besides your stupid ugly face.
Gotcha, Bulldog.
Oww!
What did I tell you
about that?
Thieves! Brigands!
I had three-and-a-half ounces
of sashimi-grade ahi
in the fridge,
and one of you has stolen it.
Not me.
Well, it wasn't me.
And it wasn't Noel.
He thinks I'm going
to do him in Vegas,
so he's barely eaten
in two weeks.
That's why he keeps fainting.
All right, I took it
and I liked it.
What are you going
to do about it? Oww!
fish.
It wasn't even your
Oww!
How long was I out that time?
Ten minutes, big boy.
I've got a bump
the size of an egg.
"
.
Don't say "egg
Don't tell me what to say.
I'm still waiting
for my ahi.
Put a sock in it,
princess.
How dare you!
How dareyou!
(all screaming at once)
People!
People, stop it!
..
Listen, I understand
that we're all a bit cranky.
Cranky?
We're starving.
I'm not sure I can
hold on much longer.
We've only got
one day more to go.
We can't crack now
when we're this close
to victory!
All right, everyone--
take a deep breath.
(all inhale)
(hacking cough)
Yes, Roz.
Cough it all up.
Don't want any
extra phlegm weight.
CRO WD (in distance):
?? Happy birthday to you...??
Whose birthday is it?
Gina in
accounting.
Who's Gina again?
New chick.
So-so face,
little big in the can.
Oh, yeah.
Perhaps I'll go
wish dear Gina well.
Hey, good idea.
FRASIER:
Now that's the team spirit!
We may be dieting
but we can
still nourish ourselves
on some good office fellowship.
Please give Gina
my regards as well.
Okay, Doc, see you.
That's a rog!
Ah, it's a good team.
Good people.
Good God!
Wait!
It's not worth it!
It's sheet cake!
Will you stop that
infernal bouncing?
BULLDOG :
No sir, no sir.
Gotta keep moving.
Constant movement
equals constant calorie burn.
You sure you guys don't want
some appetite suppressants?
What the hell
are those things, anyway?
They're fine. They're natura
They have ginseng.
Oh.
Oh, come on in, Dad.
What's going on?
We had a bit of
a discipline breakdown
We've all agreed to spend
the last 1 2 hours
before the final weigh-in
policing each other.
It's a good thing
you had dinner out.
I've purged the apartment of all of foodstuffs.
Who's that gentleman
on the floor?
He passes out
from time to time,
but not to worry.
I'm sure the next searing stomach cramp
will bring him around.
(groaning)
There you are.
You can set your watch
by him.
All right, everybody,
I believe my bathroom
has probably finished
its transformation
into a steam room by now.
If you'll all join me.
We can relax and sweat off
a few extra ounces.
Okay, you
heard the doc.
Let's go, let'
s go, let's go!
Hey, Barney.
How's my favorite patient?
Hey, making progress.
He doesn't even flinch
anymore at the sound
of your voice.
He's letting me
stroke his wing.
You know what?
I'm going to put this birdseed
in a bowl.
Oh... You know,
there's a sad little fellow
who's been dying
to say hello to you all day.
That's better.
Eddie, come on, say hello.
Oh, my God. Eddie!
Eddie!
Hey, Dad.
Oh, no.
I've been thinking.
You know...
Shh.
Keep it quiet.
That wing rub you gave him
put him right to sleep.
Well, that's kinda sweet.
Well, uh, I-I'll just go home.
You know, Dad...
I think he may like me
even more than he likes Eddie.
No contest.
BULLDOG :
How much longer, Doc?
Another half an hov
I can't keep my cigarette lit.
NOEL (weakly):
Roz...
take my hand.
Fine, Noel.
I'll take
your stupid hand.
Where are you?
GIL:
Roz!
Oh, my God!
Put on a towel, you perv!
If I'd known
this sort of thing
went on
in steam rooms,
I would never
have let you lure me in.
All right,
just relax, team.
Feel the steam...
Iiterally melting
the pounds away.
KENNY:
Oh, I'm about to faint.
I'm going
to grab some water.
(door opens and closes)
You sure you want
to leave him alone out there?
He could be on his way
to Pizza Hut.
Good point.
I'll just go
check on him.
ROZ:
It's weird.
My skin
tastes kinda salty.
BULLDOG :
Oh, I'd say mostly sweet
, but a little salty.
That wasn't me,
Bulldog.
GIL:
That was me
you licked,
and if it
happens again,
I shall consider i
t strike one.
Mmm.
Kenny, what did you just eat?
(sucks teeth):
Nothing.
You have a toothpick.
.
Oh, all right.
I couldn't take it anymore
I only had a mouthful.
Dear God!
What happened?
This ravenous madman's
just eaten a live pigeon.
No, I didn't!
I only had some seeds.
If Kenny gets seeds,
we all get seeds.
Where are they?
No, get away!
I saw them first!
Give me those!
Stop it.
Stop it!
Stop this madness!
Look at yourselves!
Dear God.
We are hours away from victory,
and look at you.
Pecking around the floor
like a clutch of crazed capons!
Try to conjure up
some image
to give us strength.
Imagine yourselves winning.
Imagine yourselves in Vegas.
I'm still hungry.
Stay out of the hallway.
Eddie just threw up
a dead pigeon
and now he's eating it again.
Okay, that's it.
That'll do for me.
Next up, the final weigh-in
in our Fat to Fit
Weight Loss Challenge.
So stay right here.
Okay, everybody,
take off your watches.
Jewelry, hairpins, shoes.
Anything that will add
just an ounce of weight.
Hey, Crane... Iookingforward to seeing you
in your field
hockey skirt.
Oh, yeah?
I'm going be so busy
playing with that new chess set
you're gonna buy me
that I won't even have time
to put on my skirt.
Not that I still have it!
And here they are.
Come on in, folks.
KPXY, you're up first.
Okay, guys.
Huddle up.
Here's the plan.
I'll stand in the middle.
You surround me
and lift me up
so I'm not even
touching the scale.
What?
Wow. You have lost
an impressive
44 pounds,
two ounces.
Great job, guys!
I see giant steaks
with legs.
You're hallucinating.
Just pull it together.
No, he's right.
It's the Beef
Council Dancers.
They're on after us.
Okay, Team KACL.
Up you go.
Here we go.
Oh, my goodness.
44 pounds even.
You lose by two ounces.
No! I'm not getting emphysema for this.
Cut me.
I can't.
Cut me, damn it!
Oh, my God!
44 pounds,
three ounces.
They're on their way to Las Vegas!
(KACL team cheering)
Congratulations, guys.
Wow!
Don't go away.
When we come back, we have
a little dance number
that's both "rare"
and "well done. "
Okay, Crane, you won.
Yes, I did, Shafter.
So where do I pick up
this chess set?
The Rook Nook.
Ask for Cyril.
Tell him you were sent
by Dr. Frasier Crane...
Psych!...iatrist.
( cheering )