Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
I´m an ET! I´m an ET, and nobody believes it, but I am!
People love labels: "what it´s that you do, what you are", and I don´t quite know.
In this paralel world that I´d created art was
very strong and things that I tought, for example, if I were a famous Holywood actress
so I would get people´s attention!
Then I´ll be happy, my mom will think I´m nice
and she´ll be pride of me!
Alternative to Cure
And at that time I went to London,
when I controlled the disease and was symptom free, I studied filmmaking
and all, and a teacher said: "you´re a natural for acting! You must
study!" So in my head I wanted to be an actress, right!
When I was studying I started to get in touch with myself, and then
I got to find out who I was, and all those dark memories from the uncounciouss
started do pop out into my consciouss, and as the time went on I said:
"I don´t want to be an actress, I´ve never wanted to, it´s just that I love films, direction
I love screenwriting, I love using films and videos to do...I always ask myself: "why
am I doing this?" So it´s very common when you´re
not well, to project things outside, especially in this ridiculous society which we live in
where you are your profession, and I was already excluded from society and society, right...
You fill applications out and "profession?" And I said, "how embarassing, I don´t
have a profession! I´m already 26", at that time, "and
I don´t have a profession!" So to me, it had always been a bad thing all that
and then the acting thing, "oh, but you´re an actress!", the profession if we think
it´s what makes you make money, and what I´ve earned as an actress, Jeez, I´d never lived on it.
I´ve already put the queen down!
You know that you are my best player! Let me handle the princess.
How am I making money right now? I´m not I´m excluded from society, I don´t have
income yet, I´ve founded an NGO so people like me, which are all excluded
from society because of disabling diseases, which are not seen
as diseases, so we can make a movement to society understands: this
is a disease, we need to have support, law support, just like any other disease
and we need to be included in society. Society creates lots of labels,
and where labels are required so laws can be passed, just the case of diseases, people say
"oh, but labelling a disease is tagging people!" Society works that way: it
sees things with tags. So the person is ill you have to give her the label, so
laws can be passed to protect that person. In this case, where labels are needed,
we don´t have them yet. There´s no laws to support
who suffers from a mental disease.
I love my family, but unfortunately
I´ll never be able to say that they helped me or supported me during my treatment,
that was not the case. Since childhood, since 8 years old I have
symptoms, right! Who helped me a lot and opened my eyes up: "***, for God´s sake go get treatment!"
it was my friends, right! Even because during that time, college time
I had so many crisis, so in the middle of the class I´d burst out in tears, or I´d only sleep,
it was nightmare! So one time me and a girl friend went out,
to a party, a college party and I had a strong panic crisis, and she
didn´t drive, but she had to take my car and, you know, figure out!
And then she said: "***, enough!", I´m calling your mom!", and she said
c´mon, right! Something is pretty wrong!" And I´d already read something about depression
and I said: "That´s what I got!"
There are studies today stating that 50%
of the depression diagnosis are, in fact, bipolar disorders, because
bipolar disorder has several levels too, there´s bipolar type I, the classic one, right!
That everybody knows about, with mania and depression stages very clear
and other bipolar levels, which are the mild bipolar disorders.
Then what happened, in my case, I got it since I was a kid, I was only diagnosed
when I was 18 years and the more you take to diagnose a psychiatric condition, the worse it gets
And then when I was diagnosed, they diagnosed me with depression.
And I got 5 years trying out treatments for depression. Of course I´d get worse,
because I was to find that out, I guess a year ago, that actually
my correct diagnosis is bipolar disorder and not depression.
And then there´s the thing of adjusting the medication dosage, go to therapy, psychoanalysis
and I lied a lot at therapy, because I hated to sit and talk, 18 years old, right!
So I sat and then I lied. What kind of lies?
I lied, I didn´t want to face reality, I didn´t want to face it,
to get into my family story, my life story, because it was too painful.
Path
It was when I started to do an acting course, which was with a crazy teacher
that uses lots of alternative therapies, lots of meditation techiniques and it was during
this course that I started to know myself. I said: "***, there´s another path for healing,
it´s not just psychoanalysis, with medication, and psychiatrist", so I got to find out
that was lots of things! And because I was already fed up with psychiatrists
as I went to several of them that didn´t help me I said: "I´ll keep the florals", and
my friend was already giving them to me so I went to search and it was when I found
Doctor Ana. I believe, I interpret that
what she´s being through is so she can use in her life, her profession, right! To help out other people.
And what made me comfortable regarding Doctor Ana, because I don´t think
it´s the floral itself, nor the therapies themselves, but the therapist, the relation
with the guy that will treat you. You gotta trust that person, have empathy,
and when I met doctor Ana was, wow, you know! We hit it off right from the beggining, and
I said: "I can trust her! She knows it!" because only who went through it know it!
As Jung used to say: "before anything, the therapist is an injured that
has cured himself", so when he sees the patient talking, he knows that wound really hurts,
he knows the depth of that, he compreehends.
So with the panic crisis, then it comes the family,
my sisters: "oh, you´re feeling that because of mom and dad",
and then it was when I realised it was no use to blame anyone, because that was inside of me,
I don´t know if it was because of the upbringing, if it came because of past life, or if
it was a life challenge... I just know that I realised it was
inside of me, and the only one who could take that out, it was me.
So it was when I had an inner attitude, or something had it for me, it´s very interesting
but I went searching. So it was when a friend came and said:
"why don´t you take florals?" Then after 15 days, the panic crisis stopped.
"Wow!", it was when I thought: "these florals really work!"
It was when I started to understand and realise the causes of diseases, their roots, many things
that conventional medicine says: "no! this is from unkown cause or it´s genetics"
I think that the cure happens when the person changes his way to live.
When he identifies the causes of that disease, that pain, the cause of that discomfort
and then he can change that, so you can heal yourself.
The pharmaceutical industry sponsors several studies, biased researches
they manipulate data, and why? Because they make billions, so you think that
they care if I´m getting better from a depression? Or even if I´m a bipolar? They just don´t care!
So, people need to start to have access to this information to know that
doctors study a lot, of course they need all respect
because I guess any human being deserves respect, but doctors are not always right!
It´s not because he´s a doctor that he knows it all, he doesn´t, the guy doesn´t have time
to recycle himself anymore. For a while the patient keeps taking
the medication and the floral, but the floral makes the person better
so the doctor sees that the patient is well and the doctor
weans the patient off. Integrative medicine does not exclude anything,
or if you need to take the medicine, you can take it, but besides medication,
beyond all the modern medicine, it also includes altenative treatments
and complementary. So, it works the life style, so yoga,
eating habits, meditation, homeopathy, acupunture, because you gotta get
to the cause of the problem, otherwise there´s no point! Thanks to all those therapies I could reach the cause
of the problem. There´re some who heal and some who don´t
Why is that? Same thing with medication! Why some patients that have cancer
do chemotherapy and get cured, and others die?
What is in all that? There´s something! And what is that something?
It´s about choices, right! Choices from the spirit.
When we talk about spitrituality, right, spirit, soul, essence, people
link that to religion and it´s not religion, you have an essence, you feel your essence
you feel your soul, you don´t have to be in any kind of religious cult.
You don´t have to be a catholic, nor spiritualist, nor jewish, you can be whatever you want,
you only need to feel that conexion with yourself, within yourself!
There´re lots of things involved and each one will have to search for his own healing path.
I think that the good news is: there´re zillions of ways, there´s a way, right! I said
based on my own life experience, until today I wake up and say: "wow, I feel good!"
and I had no idea what that was! So there´s a way! But you gotta want that a lot,
you gotta be patient and unfortunately in Brazil, you gotta have money to pay
for treatment. And the conventional treatment sucks, because if it was good
people who get treatment would be better and they´re not!
So we have a scenario of human misery, it´s a lot of people suffering.
When I was diagnosed, that I thought the life time uncomfort would go away
I said: "Wow, how "cool"! Not even the doctors are helping me! I´ve been having treatment for months
and I´m getting worse!" It was when I thought: " if those people full of titles,
people that study a lot, if not even they are helping me, so no one can!" It was when I tried.
I tried taking all the medication that didn´t work.
"I need to talk about that story, I need to talk about this disease, I need to talk,
because I´m up to a point that´s enough." Because I thought: "at least
if I kill myself people won´t say that I did it out of the blue, right!" because that´s what people say:
"he killed himself out of nowhere!" out of nowhere people, the person wakes up and says:
"Wow, cool! The sun is shining, I´ll jump out of the window! People think is like that! It´s said that 90%
of suicide cases, the suicide has a mental disease, so nobody kills himself out of nowhere, right!
And then, with the film, people and the media were interested and we started
to talk about the subject and that helped me, this thing of talking about, and I said:
"this is helpping me!", show my face, speak my mind, right! And I had done a blog, so
I said: that helps me, it was when I accept the disease.
And then Geison and I, we always had that
idea of opening something to make films and all, but then as we always had that...
as we come from stories of abuse, negligence and disorders, we said: "what if we make films and
videos related to that?" So, to me, the process of the NGO
was very important, because it helped me to get better and then we have this main focus,
which is very hard, that is to do a campaing at a national level with the government,
just like we have the AIDs´, breast cancer´s, to bring awareness
But we have so much difficulty in getting sponsors
and doing some research I realized that´s obviously the government won´t be interested
in doing that now, even with the scary numbers, even those diseases being the ones
that have generated more economic spending, right? Because how will the government do such campaing
if they need to send those people to some place? The thing is: there is not!
We have "SUS", some "CAPS" here and there, some things, but they don´t supply
for the number of people who are ill, and people are very ill!
So we realised that: "that´s not gonna happen!" And then we started to think about the possibility
of starting an integrative medicine center to treat mood disorders
in the future.
"Psychology will never say the truth about madness, because it´s madness that holds the truth about psychology" Michel Foucault
Cause
I believe that no one is born like that! Nobody is born like that!
and there´s not a disease that comes out of nowhere. All that is pretty new
so the thing is that people need to keep an open mind! The studies are new
and all the focus was to serotonin: "my brain does not work!", no, go deeper!
And then one day I sat with my sister and I said
"wow, I guess I´m going mad, because I´m creating memories from our childhood,
and adolescense, and as I can see by the families´talks, never existed.
My father being violent, a heavy environment, lack of love, respect, unhealthy environment
to raise a child! That´s all coming around" And my sister went:
"Ana, you´re not mad, we lived in that kind of environment."
Why did I develop the disease? My father was ill, he was *** compulsive and
what ends up happening when you have a person totally nuts
inside your home? He´ll abuse your child! That was
what happened to me! And my mom pretended that everything was fine, she´d rather pretend,
and my mom was always so loving, always nice, and I felt even more guilty
I didn´t want to say anything to her, she was my heroine!
And then I found out that the abuses themselves were not the problem!
The real issue was: I wasn´t heard! And they are not bad people. If you ask:
"What about your family?" They are wonderful people! My mom is wonderful.
What about your dad? Not my dad, but he was disgusting
and he didn´t hide that from anyone, because some people are phonies, right! He wasn´t!
At some time he´d have like 8 lovers, and he told that to my mom! "I have 8 lovers."
He was disgusting, people in town didn´t like him, except for his patients.
To his patients he was wonderful, he did lots of social work, the disabled
from "Ourinhos" loved him because he created, founded some organizations, and helped, he did
lots of nice things, but he was mental! And he didn´t go to get treatment!
And when I was diagnosed, the only person from the family that really got the gravity
of the situation was him! They are bad memories,
those we acquire during daily life since we are young: "oh, you can´t do this,
you can´t do that, you have to do this", or a childhood or adolescense with parents that
keep fighting each other or with the kid, so that creates memories that
get around us, that´s what we call aura, and that sends wave frequencies
to the body, and they´re not good. So that blocks our lives,
we feel emotions in our bodies like anxiety, sadness, a feeling that
we are not from this world.
Because the mother´s nervous system makes the fetu´s nervous system,
and all the mother has passed on of emotional information is within our nervous system.
And then we keep following that throughout life, so if your mom had a hard situation
of guilt, fear, anger, a robbery, a kidnap, whatever, or any other
thing, it doesn´t have to be so strong like that, it remains in our nervous system and because
is within our nervous system, the unconciouss, which is a place that does not have reasoning,
thinks that everything that came from the mother is love and keep searching throughout life to feel that
during all the needy moments. So lets´put that the mother went through rejection
the rejection is within the nervous system of that person, so he needs to be rejected
because he understands that rejection is love.
"It´s not a sign of health to be well adapted to an ill society" Jiddu Krishnamurti
We live in a society that has a crazy way of living!
I´m only the symptom of society craziness, so the thing that
I´m a suicide survivor, I am because I am conscious of that
but now I see those people filling themselves up with ***, the happy hours, all so socially acceptable
they are society practices that harm health, everybody knows
they do harm and even so people do them. To me, that is being a suicide.
But the guy does not have consciouss, and why? Because he has a crazy life to lead
going after money, right! And no time! "So, I don´t have time to
lead a healthy life, so let me alienate here and keep on the way I can!"
I guess people will say you ruined the party.
People worry with "having", so having a job, having a car, having a house,
survival, and they don´t worry about being: who they are, what their mission in this planet is
and also with this lack of worrying about being also comes this difficulty of feeling
their essence, and even their own body, people don´t feel the body, they only worry
about the body when they are ill. It´s like we are pregnant,
carrying other being, and we can with all those therapies, for those who don´t like the
word therapy because think it´s "for the crazies", so there´s coach, right now is popular: life coaching
whatever, but you do have the possibility to give birth to yourself, in another level
another being, completely transformed, in peace, in harmony,
which is not guided by fear.
That´s my story.
Maybe someone can say: "no, I had it, took medication and got better!" Good!
But I don´t believe in that "getting better" without the inside journey.