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Good morning.
We're getting ready to start.
Ooh!
I just love the way you guys come to order.
You are the most professional group of people that I have
worked with in a long time, and I go to many conferences,
and people don't come in for the session,
they're partying on the outside.
You guys are committed and I really appreciate that.
Thank you.
Just want to give you a few housekeeping things
before we get started.
Just to let you know, this plenary,
I'm not going to-- Doresa's run this plenary,
but you can be from the marriage side of the grants,
or you can be from the fatherhood side,
feel free to go to either plenary.
There's one in this room and there's one in Salon 2.
This plenary is for grantees and participants
from the marriage program.
Next door are, will be participants
from the fatherhood program.
So, if you, whatever room you decide to be in is fine.
Just wanted to mention the National Healthy Marriage
Resource Center is doing usability questions,
and so they need you to stop by the exhibit tables.
Fatherhood, the National resource center,
National Fatherhood Clearing House is also doing usability
surveys, and if you could stop by the exhibit rooms
and just go through the questionnaires for them.
What they're trying to do is figure out what things they can
do to enhance and make those presentations and the material
that they offer more suitable to what you need out there
in the field.
So take a moment to get through the exhibits when you can,
you know, in between your breaks and things to help them out
a little bit in the exhibit room.
The other thing is, the cluster meetings start this afternoon,
from 2:15 to 4:45.
Just want to remind you, grantees on the marriage side that are
part of priority area one, two, and three, two and three,
you've been being worked with a lot of FPO's over the time
and I do apologize for that, but I have the same turnover
issues that you do, in your own programs,
but you will meet in the cluster meetings with Michele Walters,
so all priority one, two, and three grantees
should meet with Michele.
Priority area eight will have Doresa as your FPO,
those who work with Doresa, you will meet with her.
Those grantees that were, your FPO was Nathaniel Johnson,
will now meet with Keyon Smith and myself at 2:15,
and I will be happy to introduce you to your new
Federal Project Officer at that time.
And so, with no further ado, I am going to ask Doresa to come up,
and we have one participant who's on his way,
but we're going to go ahead and get started and we'll just join him
in, and have him come to the front when he gets here.
And so, have a great day, and see you guys later.
Thank you.
[Applauding]
Good morning everyone.
Welcome to the Healthy Marriage Panel:
the Benefits of Healthy Relationships
and Premarital Education.
Yesterday we heard from some great participants, didn't we?
[Applauding]
And again today, we will as well.
The work we do, after hearing from the participants,
it will reaffirm why we do the work that we do
in Social Services.
So, without further delay, I'm going to first introduce
the first grantee who will in turn introduce the participants
that receive services from her organization.
Pauline Hamlette from Best Friends Foundation is the national
and metropolitan Director of Programs.
Pauline, can you come to the front,
and tell the group a little bit about your program
and then in turn introduce your participants,
and then we will go from there?
Pauline, there's the wireless mic.
Good morning.
Well, because I'm an educator, I think I can ask you to do
that a little bit better.
Good morning!
Thank you very much.
I want to talk a little bit about the Best Friends
Foundation, but first I would like to say to you that I always
introduce the foundation by saying that I'm the oldest
Best Friends girl.
And, I would like to say to you that the Best Friends Foundation
has been in the business of improving the quality of life
for boys and girls since 1987 under the direction
of Elayne Bennett.
We started out in 1987 with just girls,
but we always got the question, "What about the boys?
What about the boys?"
And in 2000, we started Best Men and that was an excitement,
excitement because people felt that boys could not buy into
the message, they were not interested, and guess what?
We've proven them all wrong because the boys bought into
the program and they're just as excited, and in some cases,
more excited, than the girls.
Now, that was excitement, but when we received this grant,
where we would be able to work with high school students,
we got more excited, because DCPS opened up its doors,
and we have one high school that we work with in-house,
McKinley Tech.
Saturdays we run Saturday programs where we pick up
students from all high schools in the city and some schools
in Maryland.
And what you're going to see today are the results of what
we've talked about in these wonderful curriculum sessions
relative to healthy relationships.
This is very important, healthy relationships, very important,
because as we moved about the high schools,
we realized that that was a problem,
explaining to boys and girls what would you consider
as a healthy relationship.
We have the data to prove that it works, and we are excited,
excited, excited about this grant.
You know that with the metro system in D.C., we have
a problem, so our young man who is to sit on the panel today
is on metro but he's on his way.
But I have two wonderful young ladies here that, they said,
"Please introduce them."
But I'm going to let them introduce themselves,
and tell you a little bit about what Best Friends
and the healthy relationship curriculum means to them.
I'll start off with Jamila.
Ok.
Hello, good morning.
Hi, I'm Jamila Lee, I attended Duke Ellington
School of the Arts, I'm a graduate of 2009,
I'm going into Temple University,
hopefully double majoring in dance and French.
I've been a participant of Best Friends organization since
sixth grade, and that was at Amadon Elementary school,
where Ms. Hamlette was my principal,
and to me the healthy relationship curriculum
that the Best Friends provides, it definitely, I believe,
promotes the emotional and the mental,
and also the physical aspects of the participants in the program,
and it's looking out for our well-being.
And, being in this program has allowed me to see,
especially in high school, how unhealthy relationships can lead
to insecurity and just personal issues.
So, I'm very happy to have been a participant of Best Friends
and I wish to continue to be on the Best Friends
college committee.
[Applauding]
Well, good morning, too.
My name is Briana Wilson, I just currently graduated from
McKinley Technology High School, I'll be attending
Trinity Washington located here in D.C. and I'll be,
my major will be biochemistry.
Well, basically, Jamila said everything that was going
through my mind, so.
[Laughing]
I have nothing else to say.
[Applauding]
A few questions for you and Briana,
I think you missed the point of letting them know how long
you've been a part of the program, so would you do that.
I've been in the program since ninth grade, four years.
Now, now that you're going off to college, Briana,
can you just tell me two things that you feel as a result of
going to the healthy relationship curriculum that you
feel that you would take into college with you?
Well, yes indeed, because you know, when you go into college,
it's a different atmosphere.
It's new people, it's different things,
you have challenges and you have temptation,
because you're new you, you're a freshman, so you know,
guys is gonna pick on you cause you're like the fresh meat,
and they whole little group.
So, during the curriculum at Best Friends taught me that I
have to watch out and stay focused on my academics first,
and then go into a relationship, because you can also lose focus
on why you're in college, because one of my--well,
my mom was telling me, like, one of her best friend's daughters,
she lost her focus in college because she was always at her
boyfriend's house, and that she wasn't going to class,
and her parents didn't know, so being in the program helped me
to realize that I have to set my goals and finish them.
[Applauding]
Jamila, could you add to that?
Of course.
I actually just came from my orientation, yesterday,
so I saw a lot of that.
I want to say that, with the program,
definitely for personal reasons, it taught me not to be
dishonest, and to basically fulfill my dreams and not
compromise my goals.
Like how she said, set your goals and finish them,
Best Friends has always taught us to do that,
especially in high school, so I'm definitely feeling prepared
for college.
And, one major thing they always preached is sex is not a test
of love, so going into college, especially at my orientation,
there were definite--I looked around, I looked at the girls,
and how they dressed and actually, I wasn't surprised,
because one of my best friend's mentors, Ms. Rita Burns, said,
"When you go to college, those girls, the way they dress,
it's gonna try the men."
And, while I was there, there were football players,
so they were wearing short shorts and skirts,
and I'm sitting there in my sweatpants like,
"Are you serious?"
But, and then when you speak to the girls, they're like,
"Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be a business major,
and I'm gonna do this and this with my life."
I'm like, how can you be focused if you can't-- if the boys
are all focusing on you and you're focusing on the boys?
So where is your attention gonna be when you start
the actual school year?
So, basically, with Best Friends,
and the healthy relationship curriculum,
I've learned that also, that, yes,
my schoolwork is definitely more important than any boy,
so, that's it.
[Applauding]
All right, I know that both of you attended two different
high schools.
Jamila you attended high school of the arts,
and Briana you went to the technology high school.
Do you--did you have the opportunity to share information
with one of your girlfriends or boyfriends who was not a part of
the program on the information that you received as a result
of being a part of this?
Well, yes, and but one of my friends,
she was having like guy problems,
she was telling me that her boyfriend was cheating on her
and that he was causing her emotional pain,
and she didn't know what to do.
So, basically, I just discussed with her that she have to love
herself first, and let the, and if the guy don't love her back,
then she has to leave.
It all depends on what you feel in your heart,
and if a guy's not treating you right, he's lying to you,
I would just leave that situation alone.
And, thank god, she left that situation alone and moved on.
[Applauding]
What about you, Jamila?
Mine's a be for one of my friends, it's a boy,
he was known to be a ladies' man, and of course,
around the school, the other boys congratulated him,
and at Best Friends, they don't do that.
They look at you like, "Are you serious?"
Because putting your body out like that,
and setting your mind and focuses on other females,
many females, doesn't get you anywhere,
especially with your grades, your focus is not
on your grades.
Your attention's all on the girls that are around you.
So, speaking to him, he's one of my close friends,
but the thing is, when I spoke to him, I said,
"Do you respect yourself?"
And that's definitely the major thing in Best Friends.
And he's like, "Yeah, of course, you know."
And I'm like, "So what makes you feel that you have a need to
want to be with every girl that comes around?"
"Cause they keep coming to me, they,
they're always coming to me trying to get my number."
I'm like, "Ok, so, do you have to respond to all of them?
"Do you have one female that you feel that is respectful
and is mindful of your feelings?"
And he said, "Yes, there is one."
I said, "Who?"
He was like, "You."
I was like, "Oh!"
But, long story short, is I said, "Well, hopefully,
I'm glad that I'm examples to you."
But I said, "The Best Friends Foundation,
especially with the men's foundation,
they teach you that self respect is key to your education
and to yourself striving in the future."
And he was like, "That's deep."
And I was like, "Ok."
So hopefully that works for him, I hope.
I have one last question for you,
we do have a financial component to the healthy relationship.
Do you find that the information you received in the financial
component was beneficial and will assist you with how you're
going to handle your money when you get to college?
Briana?
Well, yes, because recently I just had a internship and during
the curriculum I learned that I have to save my money,
less shopping, cause I'm a shopaholic,
and that it told me that budgeting and saving the best
way because you have to prioritize your things,
from do you want to buy your books or do you want to save
for a car, which one's more important?
To me, I say saving a car but my mother said the book
are the most important, and Best Friends.
So, I just learned how to spend less and save more.
For me, it's the budget.
I'm not a shopaholic of clothes, I'm a shopaholic of food.
I'm a dancer and I love food.
But, yes, that same thing was taught to me of course.
It's, it's where your money goes is where is important,
and my internship at Housing Urban Development this summer
has, we actually had a curriculum similar to the best
friends, where finances, it's around 85% of your money goes to
either transportation, food, and housing.
Well, I don't have any house to worry about,
and since I'm going to college, that's fulfills my 85%.
So where does the extra percentage go to?
So, of course you wanna save up, and that's to be taught to I
think everybody, no matter how old you are, is that that 10%,
or 15%, how much will you save for yourself?
And, for me, that's gonna invest in my future, in a savings,
so when I do come out of college,
I won't be a broke college student.
I will have money left over and I will be able to do something
with it, something hopefully, of course very positive,
something that I believe that I've earned over the past four
years in the next few years, so.
Thank you.
[Applauding]
And the last thing, before I hand this over to Ms. Doresa is
please share one thing that you would like for this audience to
take back to their high school students that you learned
as a result of healthy relationship.
Well, with Best Friends I would suggest that you give this
advice to those that are high school students.
You're never too young to plan, and meaning that you're never
too young to invest in yourself.
And it's not just financially.
It's also spiritually, or emotionally and mentally, so,
and I also advise that you be a mentor to those that are your
students, that are your mentees because not just,
the Best Friends faculty is not just faculty that sits
in a board room all day.
They talk to us.
They have our cell phone numbers.
They're there for us when we need them, so I just advise you,
and your students to always have a connection,
and converse so that you can know what's going on with them,
and they feel that they're secure because they have someone
looking out for them.
[Applauding]
Just to add on what Jamila said, that's right,
we all need mentors in high school,
cause I know I needed one, and I had one,
her name is Ms. Robin Williams.
We always talked, it's good to have somebody there because you
can't always talk to your parents but you can always talk
to your teachers and mentors.
It's much better, because they're not like,
"Hey, you can't do this.
You can't do that."
It's more, you feel more relaxed and more like they understand
what you're going through.
So, just to take back, is just to help out the kids that you
teach and everything, because we really need somebody to
influence us than our parents.
[Applauding]
Thank you so much, Briana and Jamila.
We want the highlight to be on the participants and that's part
of the reason why the grantees are sitting here and I'm
standing here.
The next grantee we'll introduce is, her participant,
her name is Holly Hastings from PEACE.
She's the Director of Project Team.
Holly.
Good morning everyone.
First, I just wanted to excuse my back for just a minute
while I talk to everyone out here in the front.
I just want to start by saying the kid in me wants to come out.
I'm so proud to be standing here with Briana,
I just want to do a little dance,
but I'm not going to do that for you.
Project Team was awarded to PEACE, Inc.
PEACE, Inc.
has been a community action agency for over 40 years in
Onondaga County in Syracuse, NY, and some of you may know about
Syracuse, NY because we are known for our amount of snowfall
that we have.
It seems like, I think we had our last snowstorm last week,
but more is in the forecast for next week.
But, we're also known for basketball and,
I hope we're known for Project TEAM at PEACE, Inc.
PEACE, Inc.'s mission
is to help people in the community to become
self-sufficient, and I believe Project TEAM fits beautifully
under that mission, because in our classes we have,
allow activities one and four, so under four,
we offer premarital education classes,
and our mission in our classes is to empower single adults and
premarital couples with tools and knowledge which will help
them to build healthy relationships now and to build
and sustain healthy marriages in the future.
So, I'm gonna turn it over to Briana because I really want you
to hear from her.
I know you're going to have a lot of fun listening to her,
but she has a lot to share with us, so Briana,
I'm going to start with you and ask if you would just let us
know a little bit about you.
Hi, my name is Briana Kuneman.
I'm from Syracuse, NY, and I also work at PEACE, Inc.
in a center called Project Connection.
It is a children's recreation and tutoring center and we
specialize working with children that have emotional, learning,
and developmental disabilities.
I'm also considered a family support specialist and we work
with families, helping them to become self-sufficient and
finding, and advocating, for their needs in the community.
I'm also a mother of an 18 year old and recently,
3 years ago, divorced.
Would you share, would you please share with us why you
wanted to take the healthy relationship classes?
I chose to take the classes, for one,
I realized I was repeating a cycle in my life in
relationships that I wasn't aware of until after my divorce,
and I was also referring people to the class,
and I wanted to know about it so I could talk better about it
and to understand what I was actually expressing to people.
So I went in as a cynic to see if this could really work,
because I didn't think, how could you change your relationships
and how you are in them, in such a short period of time?
What would you say their, two to three most important concepts
which are taught in our classes, which have benefited you
and your goal to have healthy relationships now and a healthy
marriage in the future?
In our classes, there were a lot of communication styles
that were taught, and about value systems,
and different structures of a relationship,
and I found for me, what really helped me was learning about
the communication aspects, and to understand yourself
and the values that you carry.
And there were certain, let me see,
this one part of the class where you learned different
communication techniques, like "I" statements,
and focusing on yourself and your needs
really stood out for me.
And also the facilitators themselves were a really big
help for me, because watching them work together,
they were also a couple that are married,
and they were showing by example during the classes how to relate
in certain situations, and I found that very helpful.
Would you share with the group something that you
shared with me last night about "I" statements, and?
I just recently graduated, I'm a Master's student of social
work, and I knew about "I" statements for many, many years,
took classes on them, thought I was doing it right, and,
for example, in our class we're taught there's four steps
to "I" statements.
And I realized in the last few years that I was only doing step
one, and using it for my benefit to turn it back around and blame
the other person, and say,
"I feel you are being really stupid."
[Laughing] So, when I was doing the "I" statements all the way
through for my homework, I really struggled with it and
found out where I was stopping and having a hard time
continuing following through with it.
And would you mind sharing with us whether you went into
the classes completely thinking that you were going to get
a lot out of them?
Well, I went in as a cynic.
I didn't think I was going to get anything more out of the class
because of my background, and I was very wrong.
I got a lot out of the class.
Would you share with us whether you feel these healthy
relationship classes need to continue after grant funding
has ended and how might they benefit others?
I very much truly believe in the class and I think it should
be a never-ending class taught in our community for forever.
I don't think we ever really learn techniques,
and that there's a process in being in a relationship
elsewhere, and that's what I really discovered,
that there is a true technique and process when you're
communicating in a relationship, and I strongly believe
in having that taught.
In closing, well let me ask you one other question.
In our classes we talk about the difference between hearing
versus listening.
And so, today, what is it that you want all the grantees in
the room to really listen to in what you have had to say,
rather than just hearing something,
but really having listened to what you've said.
Is there something that you want them to take away?
Yes.
For me, having this opportunity to share my experience really
helps and confirms for me the belief of how taking this class
has helped me to participate and actually be
in a healthy relationship.
And during the process I actually went from being in an
unhealthy relationship, ending it, and starting a new one,
so it was very conformational.
In closing, Briana, would you share with us a little bit about
what this opportunity to present today has meant to you?
It helps in me believing in the process.
And actually being able to share and express to everyone
that it does work, and people should know about it,
and talk about it, and refer people to it.
Thank you very much, Briana.
[Applauding]
Thank you.
Thank you very much, Briana.
Due to inevitable circumstances, Jawara Johnson was running
a little late, but I'm gonna have him to introduce himself,
to say how long he's been with the program.
Jawara.
Good morning.
My name is Jawara Johnson, sorry for being late.
Metro had a few kinks in the system.
I attended Benjamin Banneker Academic High School,
and I'll be attending Lincoln University in the fall.
I've been in the Best Friends Program since I was in the sixth
grade, and it was a very valuable and inspirational
program that helped me get through a lotta things
in my life.
Thank you.
Jawara, can you talk of, maybe mention to the group two
or three things you learned during your time with
the Best Friends Program?
Sure.
While in the Best Friends Program I learned that,
as a leader, you must learn to take criticism in a,
what's the word I want to use?
In a good fashion, basically being able to take bad or good
criticism, to be a good leader.
Also that, you can't always do things on your own,
you always need someone behind you to help you out.
And also to manage money and, you know,
more or less to get an education.
Thank you very much.
[Applauding]
The next grantee, Kay Pasley is Professor and Chair
of Department of Family and Child Sciences
at Florida State University.
Good morning.
I'm delighted to be here, and delighted to introduce
Natalie Saunders to you.
I'm goning to take just a moment to tell you a little bit about the
project that we have going on, and then it will be my pleasure
to tell you a little bit more about Natalie,
who's a, we consider her a star.
We were fortunate enough to have an existing class at
the university at the time that these opportunities for funding
came out, and we took that course,
which is a course that is part of what we call the "all
university requirements" in social sciences.
So anybody from the university can take the class,
much like an intro to psych class or an intro to
sociology class, and we adapted that.
Ok.
We adapted that course to include both of what we called
an informational giving or a content lecture course as well
as a much smaller series of sessions that were attached to
the lectures, which we call them breakout sessions or discussion
sessions, where the students met in much smaller groups
of 30 students with a marriage educator,
and or a relationship educator.
And as you know, many undergraduate students are not
yet in relationships and so the goal of the program really
is to help them learn to make very good decisions,
whether they're in relationships or not,
and to develop the skills that will help them in all of their
close relationships which we target those to be
intimate relationships.
But we also make sure that the student understands that
those skills are related to developing and maintaining their
relationships with families, with friends, with coworkers.
Natalie was in our, was in the class in the fall,
the 15 week semester long class.
We put through about 1,200 students a semester in this
class and then we have a class that is not what we call
our treatment group.
So Natalie was in a session in the fall with Dr. Michelle Lee
as the lecturer, and then Mr. Dan Pullman as part
of the what we call the breakout session,
and most of our breakout leaders are marriage educators and we
have one with us this morning.
Amber, would you stand up?
This is Amber Vennum.
[Applauding]
Our doctoral students in our marriage and family therapy
program, and so they come to us with a depth of skill
and understanding in group processing that we don't find in
our other doctoral students, to they are really well trained
before they join us and then they learn the curriculum
and deliver the curriculum.
But Natalie came to us in the fall of 2007,
she is a major in our department,
in family and child sciences.
She is the first in her family to ever go to,
complete high school.
She is the first in her family to ever graduate college
as of Saturday.
[Applauding]
She is the only girl, last born of nine children.
And her parents came from Puerto Rico and Panama.
She is, also has the joy of being recently married,
so she can tell us a little bit today about how the class
has impacted both her other relationships as well
as her new marriage.
Okay.
Natalie, let's begin by having you talk about,
think back to fall of 2007, or to fall of 2008, I'm sorry.
What was it about the class that stood out for you as important
when you were actually enrolled in the class?
When I was starting class, I was planning my wedding.
I was also finding a home, we were in that process,
and also I had just been promoted at my job.
I work in off-campus student housing
and I'm a property manager.
At the moment I had been managing a property of about
116 students and from Friday to Monday I had 883 students
that I had to manage.
In the class we had focused on relationship skills,
as well as communication techniques that I was able to
apply not only in my relationship with my husband
and with my parents and with my friends,
but I was also able to take everything that I learned to my
job, which was more than fabulous because going to work
full-time, being a student full-time,
trying to figure out how to be a wife full-time,
I was overloaded, and all the techniques that I was able to
imply just, it took my stress level down greatly and it taught
me a lot about myself.
It taught me that I had to work on my,
my skills as far as at work and at home.
Thank you.
Now you're away from this, you've been out of the class
for nine months.
What lingers for you about that class.
As far as the techniques that I've learned,
something that I've been able to use every single day is
the speaker-listener technique.
And I, like I said before, I use it at home and at work,
basically I definitely thought I was a fabulous listener.
I knew I could talk, but I thought I was a great listener.
So, whenever I'd be in, have an issue with someone,
I would listen and I'd definitely,
I knew to give the head nod, and I knew to say,
"Mm-hmm. Right.
Ok."
But the entire time that I'm doing this and I'm convincing
the other person that, yes, I am listening to you,
in my head I was thinking of what I'm going to say next.
In my head I was thinking of that attack, and, you know,
I was always going to make sure that I had the last word.
So, as far as the speaker- listener technique,
it was actually kind of fun.
In class it was real simple, they gave us
a little yellow notepad.
The notepad said, you know, speaker-listener,
and it had everything you need to do on it,
and basically whoever had the little card was the speaker.
We had to respect the card.
And until you had the card, you had to listen.
Just listen.
So it actually took me awhile to learn how to listen.
It actually took me a while to be able to really get to
the meaning of what the person's trying to say,
figure out their message to me as opposed to, you know,
taking it personally and just wanting everyone
to see things my way.
And that's definitely something that I use at work all the time,
with my husband all the time.
Every Friday I'd go home and I'd say, "Ok, Nathan.
I learned this today.
Let's sit down with me for at least 30 minutes,
I gotta figure this out.
I gotta figure out where I'm going wrong and you know,
I gotta go back to class next week."
And we would do little activities in class,
and our T.A. would give us a situation,
and we would act it out.
And it was fun, and it seemed simple in class,
but when I took it home, it was just so much harder than it
really was in class, and it was just, I,
there were times that we actually had the notepad in
front of us and he was holding it and I just snatched it out
of his hand and I said, "Ok, I'm ready to speak."
And, you know, you can't do that.
Definitely can't do that!
That was not a good idea.
And, so yeah, so I guess I figured, you know,
now I don't even know where the notepad is to be honest.
It's just so natural to us, we actually figured out, ok,
this is my issue.
I'd like to start talking about it.
You got a second?
Do you wanna listen?
Yes, go.
So, it works for me, at least now.
[Applauding]
You mentioned that there were a series of other activities
that you did in class.
Can you recall what some of those might have been?
Oh yes, definitely.
We also learned about time outs, and whenever of course,
you're in this heated argument it's always good to take a step
back, breathe, take a timeout.
At first, a year ago, I was like, "Oh, ok, this is great.
You know, timeout, I'm ready!
Timeout, I'm gonna go get some water, I'm gonna come back,
be hydrated, and I'm gonna be ready to attack again."
So, that's what I thought, at first, the timeouts were.
Then, I realized, "Ok, no, I'm doing something wrong."
So I figured, all right, I'm in a timeout, and I'm going to,
you know, remove myself from the situation, remove myself,
even from, you know, the room, cause sometimes just being in
that room where you got into that heated argument with,
that'll just, you know, keep your emotions going.
So I figured, let me remove myself from there,
and let me have my timeout, and you know,
do whatever I have to do to calm down,
and then to come back to the situation with a level head
and be able to discuss calmly.
Then I realized, ok, I was able to remove myself,
I was able to calm down, but while I was removing myself I
was just sitting thinking to myself, "Ok, well, he said this,
this, and this.
Ah-ha!
I'm gonna say this, this, and this."
So I would use that as a plan, I would use that as my time to,
you know, come up with other things to attack him with.
And eventually, recently, I realized I was so wrong,
and I kind of tweaked my timeout and I realized, you know,
your time out is for you to calm down, it's for you to, you know,
especially health wise, I mean, your stress level and your
tension, you're not going to be able to sleep at night if you
have this on your mind.
You're not going to be able to focus at work, or at school, or,
with, you know, your family, if you don't use this timeout
to your benefit and really just take a step back,
look at the situation, gather yourself,
and approach the situation once you're ready in a completely,
you know, different way, and, you know,
ready to help the situation as far as, you know,
you two as a team, you know, as opposed to what I was doing,
as trying to help the situation for myself as an individual.
Thank you.
[Applauding]
Last night I heard you talk a little bit about how different
you thought the experience was for you because you were in
a relationship and planning a marriage compared to some
of your peers who were not in relationships,
or in different stages in their relationship.
Would you just comment on that briefly?
Sure.
When I was taking the class, as far as in my breakout session,
there was 30 students.
And, of course on the first day of class,
everyone has to introduce themselves and say where they're
from, and what major they are in, and also their age.
So they're going down the row, and you know,
there's this girl that, she's 19 and there's this other that she
just turned 20, and they get to me and I said,
"Ok, well I just turned 26."
And the entire class just, "Uh!"
And I said, "And I'm about to get married in a few months."
And that was another gasp.
And so I guess that the class came at the perfect point
in my life.
I was taking a huge transition, and I was able to,
the class wasn't just a credit for me.
It was just, I took everything to that class and I applied it
in my life and I kept it daily and it was more than
just a grade.
This was something, you know, that I'm going to teach
my family, teach my kids, teach my friends.
I mean, it was just, I didn't know what I was getting into,
you know, it was just another three credits at the beginning,
but then at the end I realized it was so much more.
And regardless if it was for credits or not,
I would definitely, definitely take that class again and I
would definitely encourage anyone to go ahead and sign up
for it before they graduate and just see if they can fit it into
their schedule because it's just really worth it.
[Applauding]
That leads perfectly into my next question,
which is about what would you tell a freshman, first year,
you know, first semester in college,
they're making that transition which is very different than
your transition which was out of college,
what would you tell them about the class if they were trying to
make that decision?
I would definitely tell them, of course, to take it.
Take it, whether it's not in their, you know,
first years of school or towards the end,
just take it whenever they can fit it into their schedule.
And just let them know to pay attention and to definitely
participate, cause it took me, I wanna say,
about two or three breakout sessions to actually, you know,
go in and say, "Ok, I'm ready.
I wanna try the speaker- listener technique.
I'm ready.
I wanna stand up in front of the class and, you know,
be silly and take this pretend situation and, you know,
I wanna attempt to try out all of these different techniques
and make them work.
So, I would definitely tell them just to participate and not to
be embarrassed and not to feel shy and don't feel like you're
silly, because once you figure out these techniques in class,
eventually they're just gonna be so natural that you can't help
but to use them.
And you can't help but, at first you're gonna think about it,
but eventually it's just gonna click and it's just gonna be
as simple as, you know, just anything I guess.
One last question.
As you know, the enrollment in the class
is predominantly women.
So we have many more women in the class than we have men.
What would you say uniquely to young men,
to help them see the class as attractive?
I would let them know that there's nothing but girls
in the class.
And, also, I would just let them know how important it,
the class, is going to be for them in the future,
to help them develop into, you know, responsible,
respectable young gentleman.
And, also, it's going to help you get into the mind
of your partner.
It's going to let you see things from her point of view,
because you know, as, or at least as they taught us,
you know, women have 132 things going on in their mind at once.
They're thinking about this, and then they're doing this,
and they're saying this, and, you know,
guys are just focusing on one thing.
And, while we're already on like the third, or fourth,
or fifth topic, he's still on the first,
trying to figure out where did we jump to?
What did he miss?
So, you know, by taking the class,
they're gonna get some insight.
By taking the class, they're gonna be able to realize how to
speak to people, and they're gonna actually gain a whole lot
of confidence, because they're gonna be able to approach
situations and handle things in a completely different way
as from before.
And, they're not going to be as scared to handle situations
and to speak with the opposite sex as they were before.
Thank you.
[Applauding]
Thank you so much.
Thank you very much, you actually have three upcoming
freshmen, um, actually attending Trinity, Lincoln,
and Temple in the fall, so hopefully there's a healthy
relationships class there that you can actually attend.
Ok, our next presenter, today, actually, our very last one,
and we gonna open it up if time permits it for Q and A's
at the end to give you all an opportunity to ask questions.
Pamela Morrill is the Project Manager for remarriage grant
at Utah State University.
Thanks.
Yes, as Doresa said, my name is Pamela Morrill,
and I'm from Utah State University,
where I'm the Project Manager of a healthy marriage grant
entitled Teaching Healthy Marriage Skills to Ethnically
Diverse Low-Income Couples and Stepfamilies.
Long title.
We exclusively target stepfamilies,
and we do that for a reason.
We find that, and certainly those of you who are part of
a stepfamily know that there's unique challenges and stressors
that are evident in stepfamilies when you're blending families
and bringing together people who aren't biologically related,
and those are different than when you're in
a first time family.
And so that's what our curriculum addresses,
is a lot of those stressors, to help these families have skills
and expectations that are appropriate to what they're
going into.
One of the biggest stressors, and I'm sure you can imagine,
is when you've got a parent in a parenting role that is parenting
non-biological children, someone that he or she does not have
a history with.
And so that's one of the things that we teach in this
curriculum, and I know you're gonna hear Jodi and Brandon talk
a little bit about this.
And the reason why is that that relationship,
those relationships, those step relationships,
have a huge impact on the couple relationship.
If she can't stand his kids, and he's not getting along with her
daughter, or whatever, that's going to impact how they feel
about one another.
So that's one of the things that we address in this curriculum,
as well as conflict resolution and communication and those
kinds of things.
And you'll hear about that today as they speak.
Just, for your information, half of all marriages in
the United States tend to have one or more partner that is
in a remarriage situation.
Also, we are having a huge trend of having people in first
marriages who are bringing a child from a previous
relationship.
It's the first time they've been married,
but they've had a child with a previous relationship,
so in fact they are forming a stepfamily with
this first marriage.
And then, in Utah, a little bit more than a third of
the couples, when they apply for a marriage license,
we are finding, have been married before.
So, it's a huge population out there,
and they're facing not only stressors of getting along with
one another, but finding ways to do that when they're
blending families.
And, so, that's some of the things that we address
in our curriculum.
So with that, I'd like to introduce
Jodi and Brandon Garbanati.
They finished up our class a year ago,
as a matter of fact I think it's been just a year.
They have been married five months,
and then I'm going to let them introduce a little bit about
themselves and tell us a little bit about their history.
So, Brandon, we'll start with you.
Well I'll let my wife go first.
[Laughing]
Thanks, honey.
Ok, I'm Jodi Garbanati, I was married for 15 years to a man
that I had started dating when I was 16 years old,
so I was actually with him for 19 years.
From our marriage we had five children,
four sons and a daughter.
I was divorced two years ago, and I met Brandon online,
on a single's Web site.
It was about six months after my divorce.
Anyway, that's me.
Well, bear with me.
I'm really, really nervous here.
Not used to this.
But, I'm not from a divorced family, and neither is my wife,
but I grew up in small town, on a farm,
and was taught by my grandpa, my dad,
what relationships should be, and so when I was married the
first time, I was married for eight years, and it was hard.
You know, she did some things, stuff like that,
but I've been divorced for six, and after I got divorced I never
thought in a million years I was looking to get back into a
relationship because of what, the hurt from the first one,
and what you go through.
But I put myself out there, and met Jodi and got introduced to
this class from her advocate that she was going to,
and here we are today, and I want to say thank you
for having us.
I should mention that Jodi and Brandon took our class
premaritally.
They weren't married at the time and they finished the class,
like I said, a year ago, and they've just been married
five months.
You did mention that?
You've just been married five months, so.
[Applauding]
Jodi, what would you say was your biggest concern in
getting remarried?
I wanted to make sure that I didn't go through
the same thing again.
I was learning to accept myself.
I was learning to accept myself, and I knew for all those years
that a woman shouldn't be treated the way that I was,
so I wanted to make sure I didn't go through it again.
And then, another big concern for me was to find someone who
would be a good example to my four sons, so that they,
I didn't want to continue on, to have another generation grow up
to treat women and girls the way that I was, so,
that's what was important to me.
Brandon, what was your biggest concern in marrying
Jodi, a woman who had five children,
you didn't have any children of your own,
but you were gonna marry somebody with five children.
That was it right there.
[Laughing]
That was a huge concern of mine.
Huge.
Because, like you said, I don't have any children of my own.
That was never brought up in my previous marriage,
but like they teach you in the class, we didn't know this,
we took, you know, we started dating before we took the class,
and it was to develop a friendship with the kids,
to be friends with them, which is true,
but also you're the adult.
You know, you, if it eventually goes on into the relationship
further, they have to be able to respect you,
you can't be a friend all the time.
You have to be a parent.
And so, from what my parents taught me,
what my grandparents taught me, I try to instill that
in my marriage now, because I would like our children,
I consider them mine, and love them to death,
I would do anything for them.
I would like our children to enter society and be successful,
you know, like these guys down here at this end,
going to college, that would make me very proud
to see that happen.
[Applauding]
Each of you, can you tell us one thing that you learned from
taking this class that helped you realize that you could have
a healthy and happy marriage relationship?
For me, we learned about the listening technique
and everything, but I think we already had that
pretty well established.
I think we had a good enough relationship with that.
So our next focus was on making sure that we have a strong
foundation, that we have stability in our relationship,
in that when the kids see that, they know that they can't pull
one of us one way and the other another way and get away with
more with one and not the other.
So, that was a good learning tool for us,
was to just learn how to remain stable and strong
with each other.
You have to support each other, very much.
You have to learn to communicate and that's what I tried to bring
from my previous marriage, which I wasn't very good at.
So when we entered this marriage,
I wanted to make sure that we were able to listen to each
other and not talk at each other, talk to each other.
And it's tough in the world nowadays, you're busy.
I mean, you've got everything pulling you every which way.
You know, you've got soccer practice, you've got baseball,
you've got theater classes, you know,
this friend's gotta come over, you know,
and you've got everything.
But if you're not able to talk and set boundaries and stay
consistent for the kids, because we go from Disneyland one
weekend, back to normal life, and it's very difficult.
We just, we basically have to redo our relationship every
other weekend and stay consistent on,
and if we stay consistent on that,
the kids will know they have somebody to count on as they,
you know, move through life and stuff like that.
Thank you.
How did attending the stepfamily class ultimately influence
your couple relationship?
Can you give us a story, an example?
Something you maybe got from the class?
Better communication.
Definitely.
Yeah.
When we were taking the class, it seemed like every time that
the class was over, we would go back to one of our houses
and we could stay up talking for quite awhile.
Both of us had to be up early for work,
but we were staying up and discussing things from
the class, and one of the main things that was very exciting
for us was they asked us to choose five things that were
very important to us to--
Choosing our battles.
Choosing battles, and five things that we wanted to stress
with the kids that were important to us that we wanted
to make sure they understood, and so we discussed,
like for me, there's a lot of manipulation and things that go
on with the kids and their dad, and so one thing that's
important to me is I cannot stand lying,
and I cannot stand secrets, and so the kids come home
and they're, they've been told, "Don't tell your mom."
And so, that was one of the things that I put on my list,
was that I want the kids to understand that there is
to be no lying and no secrets in this home.
And for him, it was respect and,
Exactly.
Respect is a huge thing to me, just seeing how my dad treated
my mom, my grandpa treated my grandma,
and to hear how she was treated, and how the kids were seeing how
she was treated by her ex-husband, that,
I have a very short fuse on that.
And so I want, I tried to instill in the kids that respect
is very huge, and mom is not here to serve us.
She is not here to wait on us hand and foot.
To make a household run, everybody has a little job they
need to participate in and do.
That also shows them responsibility,
and then we took it a little step further with some tools
from the program, rewarding them for helping out.
Now, our three oldest boys, which,
you know how coming into teenage years are,
how much are you going to pay me, how much is this, you know.
So, you know, we're set on a pretty fixed income, you know,
with everything nowadays, we live paycheck to paycheck,
which I'm sure a lot of people do.
So, we don't pay huge allowances,
but if you help mom out, get chores done,
pick up after dinner, you know, stuff like that,
we do offer them a little bit to help them out.
The two youngest, pfft, you can offer them fifty cents
and they will be happy, which is no problem,
but that's really helped us out, learning how to pick our battles
because you can't fight every battle.
You will, it'll pull you apart in a family if you're fighting
every single little battle.
But that was my biggest, is teaching them to respect.
I feel if they have respect they will go a long ways,
you will get respect in return, and especially respecting their
mom for everything she does for them, that's how I felt.
So we stayed up, I think, later that night,
probably 'til 11:30 or 12 before he went home,
and we were just so excited about everything and we made up
this list, and I actually, the kids were on their summer visit
with their dad while we were taking this class,
so it gave us more time to discuss things and focus on
things, so I hung this on our kitchen cabinet,
and we sat down with the kids, and we told them, "Ok,
this is important to us."
And not only the rewards, we also had to lay out
the consequences, so if you, if you break rule number one,
this is the consequence for that,
and so we got a lot of really good ideas that night
from that class.
And then just, sorry, one more thing to add on that battle
thing, we come up with, is we have some very,
very smart children, and we've seen it in school,
we've seen them excel, I mean, like our middle kid has a little
bit of ADD and I just, he just, he's drumming everywhere, and,
you know, he does really well.
But we put a boundary in there that we are not going to tolerate
F's, because they have so much time,
because there are so many video games nowadays, that they want,
that's where they'll spend their time if you let them.
You, they'll just video game, video game, video game.
So we made it, up a contract, and we made them sign that,
if they get an F, they have to participate in
community service, and that has helped so far.
We're getting ready to start a new school year,
but we started that in the middle of last school year and
it helped, and some privileges they lose, because, you know,
they're--
We know how important the Internet is--
And the cell phone is, and stuff like that, so,
if that is being taken away, they work harder to make sure
they get it back.
They do.
Some incentive goes a long way, the older they get.
Great.
Now, I know we've been talking a little about the things you
learned and how you're working with your children.
And how has that, coming up with these plans and these ideas
together, how has that affected your couple relationship?
Jodi?
I consider Brandon my best friend,
and I love to go everywhere with him.
And so I think that if the kids see that,
that they know they can't play me against him,
because they know how important he is to me.
Kids are smart.
They'll figure it out.
They will figure out how to tug you away from each other,
and they work on that.
But if Jodi and I can stay stable,
and they can count on us being consistent throughout,
they will learn that.
And the Disneyland at the other end will eventually go away,
because you can't buy their love all the time.
You can't just keep spending-- throwing money at it,
pretty soon they'll just be going to him,
I'm never going to take that away from them because he's their
dad, I can't ever replace that, but eventually they will just be
using him basically, and as long as we stay consistent and create
a foundation for them to enter into the real world,
because the real world is very harsh,
it is very mean if you're not prepared for it,
and it's working, the relationship that I've got with
our seven year old, Zyler, is something I'd never expected.
Jodi one day gave him two quarters,
and went to them little gumball machines and they had them
little tiny copper rings that make your fingers turn green.
He come to me and he gave me one, and he's all,
"Will you wear this with me?"
I don't have it with me because he's at his dad's so we put them
in a safe place, and he wears one when he's with me,
and I wear the one he gave to me as well,
and he calls them our bro rings.
[Applauding]
But he, he follows me around everywhere when I come home from
work, and that, that is huge to me.
That is, it means a lot.
And like Jodi said, you know, too, she is my best friend, too.
She, I have seen so many things and done so many things this,
with this second chance that we've had to be happy, it's,
it's amazing.
It's cool.
[Applauding]
Brandon and Jodi, what advice would you give others before
they enter into a relationship, then, you know,
whether they're getting married for the first time,
or remarriage like yourself, what would you say to them in
obtaining some type of educational program or being
involved in something like that, what would your advice be?
Well, I've told a lot of people that I know who have been
divorced, even if it's not as a couple,
even if you're a single parent with the kids,
there's some many great ideas and it helped me to see things
that the kids go through when they go for their every other
week visit, because since Brandon doesn't have kids I
don't have that constant interruption of kids coming to
our house and then kids leaving and the things that the kids go
through, and so the class was so helpful to me to see and
understand when the kids come home and they're a little
frustrated over the two stepbrothers they have at their
dad's house, it helps me to understand, ok,
this is what's happening with them.
And so I've told a lot of people that it's a great class,
whether you're married, you're getting married, single,
whatever, it's a great class and has so many fantastic ideas and
even if you just go to the class not expecting to learn something
you always do.
And it's kind of, we already had a good relationship before we
took the class, but I like to say it's kind of the icing on
the cake, the ideas that we gained from this and we can
either take one of those slices that we learned and we can apply
it in our relationship, or we can push a couple of 'em out
of the way because we have other ideas, so.
Brandon, did you have anything to add then
On that advice to having other people attend
an educational experience?
I would say, if the class is available for you,
take it with an open mind.
You don't have to go in there and take everything from the
class, because there's so much to apply to a relationship,
but if you can go in with an open mind and take some of it
and if these classes help a third of the couples that are
remarrying it's worth it, because it makes for a better
community, a better society, I feel.
And if it draws you closer together,
cause watching these couples as we went through the class,
you see these couples come in there,
and you see how much chaos is involved in a blended family,
and you can just imagine what goes on at the house because
it's just chaotic--
Because the class was six weeks,
some of the families had all of the kids together,
the stepkids and the natural kids one week,
and then the next week it was just like wow to see what all of
these little kids have to go through in going from one house
to the other, it was, it was a real eye opener.
I would definitely recommend it,
and hopefully the program continues going because
it is a huge help.
It gives you tools to provide a stable relationship like I said,
if you don't take it all from the class,
if you use a third of it, like my wife said,
it's definitely worth it.
It helps.
It helps the kids.
Thanks.
Just in ending, I really want to thank Jodi and Brandon
for coming back there, we hope they've had some fun here
in D.C.. I want to make one comment, one of our big goals,
and certainly they're a successful couple for us,
is that we want these families to know they can survive and
they can thrive in a marriage and that this can be successful
and just because you've had a bad experience,
or had a marriage relationship or relationship that went bad,
that doesn't have to happen again.
And you can build skills and have a wonderful relationship,
and that's what's happening here.
Thank you.
Thank you Jodi and Brandon.
[Applauding]
Thank you everyone.
Thank you Briana, Jamila, Jawara,
Briana--there's two Brianas: Briana Wilson,
Briana Kuneman--Natalie, Brandon, and Jodi,
thank you all for being here.
And especially thanks to the grantees, Holly, Kay,
Pamela, and Pauline.
Thank you very much.
We want to now open it up for questions and answers.
If you have any questions if you can come to the middle
of the room, with the mic, the mic will be here,
come to the middle and ask any questions you may have.
I had a question maybe for the instructor,
the Best Friends Foundation, I didn't catch,
were you using a specific curriculum
or do you have your own?
We have our own curriculum and--
It's wonderful, it gets rave, rave reviews--
A full year.
Ok, ok good.
Thank you.
And the same question for the college curriculum.
The same question is for the college curriculum.
What curriculum was that?
They also developed a curriculum that was
special--with a special attention for use with TANF mothers
called Within My Reach.
We've been working with Prep, Inc.
to redesign, we've redesigned that program for a college
curriculum, because what suits TANF mothers, single moms,
often who has a lot on violence and issues of safety in
the relationship, we've taken that and had to alter that,
adapt it pretty dramatically for use in the college curriculum.
We now are in our third, we've just completed our third year
with the manual, it's, we're now working with Prep to determine
what we're gonna do with the materials,
that include all kinds of videos and worksheets and handouts
and PowerPoints and that, so.
So when you say you're in conversation with them to
determine what you're gonna do with curriculum,
is there a possibility that this is a curriculum that's going to be
available to others?
It will be, yes.
We're just trying to work out, I don't know how many of you
understand universities, but there's an issue called
technology transfer, and who owns what,
and so we're trying to, at this point,
negotiate that with the university and with Prep.
But Prep is absolutely committed and invested in
what we're doing.
Hello, I have a question for Pamela.
How do you do your recruitment for your stepfamily classes?
Well, certainly the way that a lot of people do it,
we advertise, we've used radio, we've used, certainly flyers,
a big thing for us is that we target stepfamilies
and so we let that be known.
Recently I did a webinar and we talked about how there's
a difference because we have a large Hispanic population that
we also serve, and I won't get into that here because we
do target them a little differently.
Certainly we let people know that,
and I think Jodi and Brandon would agree,
that the reason that they came to this class,
they indicated to me, is they saw it was about stepfamilies
and they knew they were going to be, wanted to blend,
to be married and have a stepfamily,
and so use of that word, stepfamily,
and then we always advertise saying these are the specific
things we'll be talking about, working with an ex-partner,
parenting across households, you know, a lot of those real,
issues that really grab someone they know is going to be an
issue for them, and that's kind of how we try to advertise.
Does that answer your question?
Yes it does.
And also, so you encourage the other parent and their family
to take the class as well?
We would love the other parent,
we think that would be wonderful,
and as a matter of fact we have had that happen.
This last year, more than ever, we've had threesomes come,
surprisingly, as I've said on some of these classes where,
you know, a new couple, and then her ex-husband, or his ex-wife,
surprisingly, hey, the more the merrier.
We think it's wonderful because you're keeping those children
as the focus of doing something healthy for them.
That doesn't happen all the time.
Certainly a lot of our couples say, "Well, can our exes come?"
And we say, "Absolutely."
We do have classes throughout the state of Utah and if they
fit in any of those areas we encourage them to come,
but certainly, it ends up targeting on the specific couple
like Jodi and Brandon.
Pamela, this question's for you again,
and thank you for the program, it's really quite interesting
to see that.
Specifically, in Utah, now when you said blended,
I instantly thought of multi-ethnic,
because you thought of-- you mentioned that as well.
So do you do that, and kind of what does that?
Ok, good question, sorry if I didn't make that clear.
When we say ethnically diverse, we don't necessarily mean
ethnically diverse between, you know, the couples,
we just have a large Hispanic population,
so we have a large Hispanic group that will come in and
and also take-- but they're generally married
to one another.
We have had that cross, though, absolutely,
and then they get to choose whether they want to come
to a Spanish speaking class or an English speaking class,
depends on, you know, how fluent each of the partners are
in that language.
So, does that answer your question?
And specifically maybe you don't, maybe it's,
I was thinking of multi-ethnic couple where it's a--
Oh, we, no, we haven't actually.
You know, we, no.
We do know that there are more stressors there but generally
most of our classes have been divided,
it's either English speaking or Spanish speaking, so, sorry.
I wondered if Jawara could maybe give us some
recommendations of how to reach other young men in high school.
Like, what kind of messages would be good for them to hear
to want to come to the program you came to?
Sorry.
I know for me that it was more or less that I knew I didn't
wanna do anything that would get me in trouble,
so I found a program that I knew would keep me out of trouble,
and as I stayed in the program I more or less found out that it
wasn't just there to keep me occupied,
but it actually taught me things that helped me out
through my lifetime.
So, I guess, to answer your question,
to get other people to join, I would say just try to reach out
to young males that may need something to do,
or feel as though they don't have anything to do
in their community.
Best Friends would be a great program for them to join.
Thank you.
I have kind of a similar question, I'm Mary Schiavoni,
the Executive Director for Maine Teen Talk,
and we work with the high school students up in Maine,
and I was going to kind of ask the same question,
and I'd like to extend it a little bit,
maybe get a response from Jamila,
you mentioned your friend who was a young man who said,
"Well, that's kinda deep."
You know, to talk about these things.
And maybe Jawara you could take it to the next step also,
maybe you could both respond to how we can really interest and
motivate young people who do feel well maybe it's too deep,
or they're not sure how to go about opening their minds to
talk about these things, to begin to dialog and understand
respect that dads want them to have later in life,
addressing the young guys in particularly.
Well growing up I had a lot of male friends, I don't know,
I wasn't a girly girl when I was younger,
I like basketball and football,
so that I've always heard like their stories and it wasn't
interesting, most of their stories,
but I would like to say that reaching out,
and it's for girls too, I think it's more so like how he said,
I feel that men don't, they're not provided a lot of programs
like females are, and so they have a lot of time to just do
nothing, or do useless things.
Because there's not a program that address them, you know,
and I'm not saying useless like, well, I do think it's useless.
You're sitting around--
[Laughing]
You're sitting around and you're like, probably, you know,
either spending your time on the court but not playing
basketball, you're mainly looking at the girls
in the bleachers who are looking at you,
and then you're just walking around the mall,
but you don't have any money in your pocket,
so it's what are you doing that is relevant?
So with programs like Best Friends or even high school
programs that are in my high school,
because there's a lot of rehearsal,
so it keeps you busy and it keeps your mind
focused on something.
So, for them, like he said, I was deep,
it's not a matter of being deep, it's about,
I feel it's common sense.
Because I was raised that way through the program since
sixth grade, so going into high school it came naturally for me.
But I feel that, I've always thought that there's so many
things for girls, people are always looking at the girls,
the girls yeah, protect the girls,
but the girls are gonna eventually be in a relationship
with guys, so how are we supposed to--
[Applauding]
So I feel that, right here you have Mr. Carter from the
Best Men Foundation right over here, Mr. Carter--
And Mr. Kevin--
Oh yeah, and Mr. Kevin, I'm sorry.
He got his hair cut.
Yes, right here, Best Men mentors and--
It's wonderful, like when the Best Men opened,
because you have to address the boys.
And it's easier, it's much easier for them to have a group
session of just all boys because they can keep it real
in all boy situation.
Of course, when we have our girl and boy sessions,
it can get a little hostile but it's still good.
We get comfortable with each other.
Best Friends is not keeping the girls over here and keeping
the boys over there.
We're bringing, everybody comes together to have conferences
together, to have Saturday meetings together,
go on expeditions together, we're always interactive.
So I feel that if you're gonna reach out to boys,
make 'em know that this is real, other boys are doing it,
and if it's just started, if it's a new program or anything
like that, I would say like, Best Friends,
you didn't have to go looking for Best Friends.
Best Friends found you.
They went to the school, they reached out, they called people,
ok, so it's a great program.
Like, it's, there's nothing more I really could say about it,
so I think that's it.
That's great.
One more question and that's it.
The last question.
Ok, to follow up on what Jamila said,
it's gonna be kinda hard she just gave you all a full speech,
but anyway.
What she's saying is like most definitely true.
It is very few programs out there for males like myself,
but honestly, to get males motivated,
just tell them girls will be there.
[Laughing]
Like, I know for me, joining Best Men wasn't really like,
"Oh, I really wanna join the program because I know
much about it."
Cause honestly, I didn't.
I was really just more or less looking for a way to get outta
class and I knew they had pizza, so I was like win-win situation.
But when I got there, it was like, ok, well,
I don't wanna leave cause I feel as though this is something
I can carry on through my life that I can teach my children,
to be respectful to not just yourself but to women
and to other people in society.
To create more programs like this would be an amazing thing,
because there are many people out there, males specifically,
that have nothing to do and want something to do,
and it'll most definitely get them more or less motivated to
do something better with their lives instead of just like
standing around, looking at each other like,
"Oh, I think she's cute."
Or, "Lemme go talk to her!"
Something stupid like that, you know, so says Jamilla.
Can I add something?
I think it's a marketing thing, too, a advertising thing.
Like, with Best Friends, we don't only have sessions
and discuss things.
We have like step teams, so like,
and also with Best Friends, it's not just in D.C., it's
nationally, so like when we have our youth summit programs
where like, last year?
We came here, this hotel actually,
and it was like a three day youth summit and we had like
discussions together, but then we had like a type of talent
show type of thing, the step teams from all over came
together, the girls step teams.
Jamila, I'm gonna have to interrupt you, I'm sorry.
I have further questions, but thank you very much.
Sorry.
It's time to go.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Thank you so much for coming.
Thank you, thank you.
You all did a great job.
Thank you, thanks.
Thanks.