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I'm trying out weekly confessions
This is so weird.
Usually when I am doing video's I know exactly what we are going to be talking about
.. and this time around, I am just trying
to stretch where I am comfortable
and expand myself and um...
so I'm trying this out
just going to talk about things that I think about
and um.. okay, today (giggle) I have been thinking about
this piece that I saw earlier this week, or last week.
and how much
praise it got when
it just, to me, I thought that
the performance did not live up to it's description
and I thought that the description
was well thought out and intellectualized
eloquently spoken about by the choreographers.
Then we saw the dance and it was like... nothing
NOT that is was nothing but it wasn't anywhere near the description of it.
and that just makes me feel so disappointed
with the dance world
and it might just be this realm that I am dealing with now
People were loving it and I just didn't understand why.
or maybe people were acting like they loved it because everyone wants
wants to seem like they know what's going on
when they see a contemporary or experimental piece.
They want to say "oh yes, it was cool" Unless, it is complete garbage, people say it is complete garbage.
But anywhere in the middle
They want to give it a chance or act like they like it, just because.
So, that made me mad.
It didn't make me mad. It made me feel jealous.
And it made me feel what I do
is.. um...
not appreciated
Like, the work that I put into my body,
technique and everything is... doesn't matter
because that's what's being thrown away
But, I was also thinking of it in terms of expanding
what I do and maybe deconstructing
my technique and how I was traditionally trained to...
Maybe forcing myself
to go through the process that they claimed to have gone through
and see what I get from there instead of
just doing dance as I learned it
and manipulating it as I learned how to manipulate it
well.. I have another confession..
and a
and.. it.. is.. that, I cannot stand
running into people I went to school with
I feel like I become a wreck
and I become...(grunt)
I just can't stand the person I become when I run into people that knew me before
I just can't speak, I can't like...
it never.. it's never graceful for me
I just feel like I am trying so hard.
and I want to get to a place where I am cool with
whatever comes out of my mouth and calm and comfortable
but I'm just not. I am not comfortable around people I have gone to school with
unless, I've been talking to them
but I haven't
so, I guess that's why it's awkward
Can you see spit?
*off Camera voice "no, you cant"
yeah, so I don't know.
Maybe I just feel like.. ugh, I just hate where I am right now as an artist
That's what it is. I hate where I am as an artist.
I think that is okay
I can hate where I am, I just have to go through it, right?
I don't see it happening any other way. Am I rambling now?
um, yeah.....
::sight::
I need more time away from my husband and child
I need more time in the studio.
That's a little piece of me.