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Well, if it isn't Harry f***ing Potter!
Haven't seen you since you were a cute little baby!
And you grew up into a sexy little *** like your father.
- You knew my dad? - I sure did! And your mom too.
Both of them were in Gryffindor house when they came to Hogwarts.
I forget where the Scarf put them though...
What did you get sorted when you came to Hogwarts?
Gay as the 4th of July.
Oh, you mean from the Hat! Gryffindor, Harry.
You should be very proud, cause Gryffindor is the house of the good guys.
Well, you get that cute little toush off to bed, you scamp.
- All right. Bye Dumbledore! - Bye!
All right Dumbledore, let's go to bed. I'm so over sorting these little ***.
- Scarfy! - What? Some of them ARE ***.
That little Draco Malfoy is he gonna be a pain in the nose.
- Oh, scarfy...! - Oh Dumble dear...!
Come on. Let's go Feng Shui your office.
Oh yeah, I feel like I'm missing the water element.
Follow me!
Ahem!
Now, girls.
I know that this is your first year at Hogwarts,
and I know, that some of you might be nervous or frightened.
But girls, I'm here to make your time at Hogwarts
as "totally awesome" as possible!
Because girls, I'm not just a teacher or... "security officer".
In fact... I like to think of all of you as my daughters!
And that makes me your mama.
And a very loving and caring mama I am.
So for all of us girls to get along in the girls dormitory this year...
there are just some very simple rules that must be obeyed.
Rule number 1.
No boys...
unless they're cute.
Rule number 2.
No alcohol...
unless there's plenty to go around.
Stop it girls! I'm bad.
And rule number 3.
No parties...
unless Umbridge is invited.
Girls, girls, girls. You keep me young, girls! You keep me young!
But seriously, girls. If I do catch you with any boys or alcohol...
I'm gonna rip your pretty little *** off!
That's right! From now on we're gonna be doing things round here... my way.
We're gonna be doing things round here... THE UMBRIDGE WAY!
I'm sorry. Did I make you cry, you chubby little f***?
That's allright.
Human tears are very natural.
In fact, when I was a young human
tears would flow from my eyeballs all the time.
Until one day, when my mama Umbridge said to me...
Dolores! Girl.
You put down that cheesecake!
You throw out that fundue!
And you get up of that couch, girl! Get on up!
Sit down!
And from that moment foreward I picked up anything that I could find
and I hoisted it over my head.
And I ate nothing but protein shakes, falcon-eggs and rocks!
Because I tell you, girls: It's a mans world out there!
And to get ahead, you gotta be stronger then a man!
You gotta be a WOMAN!
I am woman! Hear me smash!
So get up, girls! Get on up, and file in!
Press up that ab!
It's a mama **** job to keep her baby bears safe!
And I'm gonna do just that.
And to do that... I'm gonna toughen you girls up!
From this day forward you're gonna do five hundred push ups a day.
Except of you Cho Chang. You don't gotta do a *** thing.
Oh! Goody!
Yeah. Because everybody already just thinks that you're god-damn perfect.
Don't they?
Well, I certainly hope, I haven't given them any reason not to think so.
And funny too! Isn't she just a f***ing peach, girls?
Don't we just f***ing love her?
Lesson number 1, girls.
Little skanks like her are always gonna get whatever they want.
And the rest of you, you're gonna have to eat each other to get ahead.
Because that's just the way the world works for frumpy little turds like us!
I mean...
like you!
Now girls, get on upstairs and brush some cute little teeth of yours.
And if I catch you out of bed past twenty one hundred hours...
I won't be afraid to stick a red hot curler knife up them cute little pucket butt holes of yours.
Because that's my mama may did to me and I won't be afraid to do it to my daughters.
Lights out!