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(Gasps) Oh, joy!
A lizard-embellished sweatshirt!
We thought it would go great with the Ravi
embellished sweater
we got Mrs.
Kipling for her birthday.
(Growling)
Twinsies!
That still creeps me out.
Okay, Ravi, you have one more big
birthday surprise from your parents.
It should be here any minute.
Oh, please let it be new
bacteria for my microscope.
I have had my eye on some
very promising paenibacillus.
Wow, I wouldn't have
chipped in for that sweater
if all I had to do was
swab the inside of my cheek.
Mmm.
(Elevator dings)
Surprise! I am for
Ravi Ross.
A birthday present.
Mom and dad gave Ravi an old
astronaut for his birthday?
That's even weirder than
the time they gave me a book.
I am Ravi, and I hope your
pockets are filled with bacteria.
This is odd American greeting.
I am here to take you on trip to space!
I am going into space? (Panting)
Ravi, tell your parents how you feel!
(Breathing heavily)
(Thuds)
He loves it!
Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh
hey Jessie, hey Jessie
it feels like a party every day
hey Jessie, hey Jessie
but they keep on
pulling me every which way
hey Jessie, hey Jessie
my whole world is
changing turning around
they got me going crazy
yeah, they're shaking the ground
but they took a chance
on the new girl in town
and I don't want to
let them down, down, down
hey Jessie
hey Jessie
it feels like a party every day
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie
(Gasping) So, I am really,
truly going into space?
Of course.
(Chuckles) I not joke anymore.
One time in space, I pretend, "oh my!
We have lost heat shield!"
Is no fun cleaning up fear
vomit, especially in zero g.
(Imitates vomiting)
What a lovely anecdote.
Ravi, Ivan is an actual retired
cosmonaut from the country mypos.
(Gasps) Yes, we are tiny, but poor.
When we gain independence, we got,
uh, how you say? Small end of stick.
Now, we build space program by offer
recreational space flights
to stinking rich foreigners.
Oh, oh, that is me! I am rich foreigner,
and I've a very stinky brother.
Well, glad I could help.
(Laughs)
Ravi, we're over the moon excited for you.
Technically, you cannot
be over the moon, as there
is no up or down once you
leave earth's atmosphere,
and the gravitational how soon
can you launch him into space?
Actually, guys, that's the
second part of the surprise.
We all get to go too.
Awesome! (All chuckles)
(Gasps) I'm so excited,
I don't even care that I'll have
to wear a bulky space onesie!
Are we sure this is safe?
I just looked up mypos, and
its chief export is pollution.
(Coughing)
Don't worry.
We're going with
a highly trained astronaut.
Fantastic! Who did you find?
Uh, you?
Me? No, no, I not going.
New model of myposian
spacecraft is piloted by
state-of-art artificial intelligence.
It has been tested many times.
Of course, only with monkey passengers.
But some come back alive.
Your parents couldn't have
just given you a bicycle?
And stop!
(Panting)
Why do we have to run around
the park to go into space?
Will we not be mostly sitting?
Yeah, in which case, shouldn't
Bertram be coaching us?
You must be physically fit before trip.
Going into space takes toll on body.
For instance, I am thirty-one.
Here.
Read space flight manual.
You kids must learn much
mathematics and science.
Yeah, right, because in
all the best space movies,
they're fighting aliens with
the power of calculus.
(Snorts)
Good luck trying to get Luke
and Zuri to do their homework.
All I ever hear from them
is, "aw, man, do I have to?"
Uh, well, you must also
memorize cover to cover.
Aw, man.
Do I have to?
Come, peoples.
We will now learn about propulsion.
Each chair equipped with own jet pack.
To demonstrate that in space,
any action is met with an
equal and opposite reaction.
You are without girlfriend, yes?
Yes, that is correct.
All right.
Push lever for fun time.
Woo-hoo! Rocket chairs are awesome!
Ugh.
Swallowed a bug.
(Chuckles) My lever has
clearly been over tightened.
Let me try, Neil arm-weak.
(Screaming)
(Crashing) (Cat meowing)
Ivan, don't you have a more
official training facility?
Well, we did, but we lost lease.
(Chuckles) Now, is skating rink.
Now, this is radiation detector,
in case you go off course and
begin to hurtle towards sun.
(Nervously) Mmm-hmm.
Oh, that's interesting
symbols.
(Clears throat)
Happy face, sad face, melty face.
Mmm-hmm.
I'm starting
to get a scared face.
(Sneezes)
Bless you, Ravi.
I think you're allergic to impending doom.
All right, pay attention.
I'm going to show you most
important tool on space craft.
Oh, please tell me it's the thing that
keeps us from hurtling into the sun!
Better.
Barf bag.
And bathroom.
Do yourself big time favor,
and use only in that order.
Ew! I won't even use the
same toilet seat as Luke,
and you want me to poo
and spew in the same bag?
(Coughs and sneezes)
Bless you, Ravi.
Are you feeling okay?
Oh, man, I think you're
coming down with something.
Oh, no.
This no good.
You cannot go into outer
space if you have sickness.
I am not sick! Uh, tell them, Mrs.
Kipling.
(Growling)
Every day, you eat dead rats
marinated in swamp water, but
now you are afraid of germs?
Ivan, it's Ravi's birthday.
So, he has a few sniffles,
what's the big deal?
Potentially deadly sinus pressure.
Plus, when he sneezes,
boogers floating everywhere.
Uh, guys, hustle up!
Ivan is here to take us to
our old, rickety space shuttle.
Why do I get the feeling those
are gonna be my last words?
No, if history is any indication,
your last words will be,
"ah! These suits were supposed
to be fireproof!" (Laughing)
If we find an alien, can I keep it?
Zuri, I think one disgusting
creature in the house is enough.
(Chuckles) Two, if you count Mrs.
Kipling.
Emma, we're going to space,
not wintering in St.
Bart's.
I need to be prepared.
I don't know what the weather
is going to be like, in space.
There is no weather.
It's space!
So, I should layer?
There's a twenty in it for you
if you strand them on the moon.
Have a safe trip, while I am
here, sick, stuck on earth,
missing out on this once
in a lifetime opportunity.
You heard the man, let's boogie!
(All cheering)
It's okay, Ravi.
I'll
take good care of you.
Thank you, Bertram.
Can I have some nice, hot soup?
Sure, the deli menu is
right next to the phone.
Oh, and order me a corned beef
on rye, while you're at it.
(All screaming)
Jessie: Could you pass me the bathroom?
Zuri: Occupado!
Whoa, zero gravity is so cool.
(Beeping)
Okay, we are safely in orbit.
All things considered, that's a miracle.
Speaking of which, check it out.
Wow, I've never seen so many stars.
(Chuckles)
(Chuckles) I know.
It's like someone bedazzled
nighttime! (Chuckles)
Wow.
Can you believe it?
We're among only a handful
of people in history
to ever experience the
magic of space flight.
I'm bored.
Does this thing get cable?
Zuri, knock it off! This isn't Bertram,
you can't just hit it and
make it do what you want.
I.
V.
A.
N.
: Thank you.
You're welcome.
Wait, who said that? Did
we pick up a hitch hiker?
I am I.
V.
A.
N.
I-v-a-n.
My name stands for intelligent
vehicular aerospace navigator.
I am your autopilot.
Wow, you sound like Ivan,
but you don't have his accent.
That is because I am programmed to speak
in the correct manner
of whoever is on board.
Oh, that's cool.
Yeah, dawg.
(Chuckles) That's so cute!
Totes adorbs.
(Snickers)
Hey, that doesn't sound anything like me!
Yeah, right.
Mmm-hmm.
Hey, guys, let's let Ivan do his job,
so we don't go crashing into the sun.
Okay.
Are we there yet? Are we
there yet? Are we there yet?
I.
V.
A.
N.
: Quit it! Okay.
I'm thirsty.
I'm thirsty.
I'm thirsty!
Do not make me turn
this spacecraft around.
Welcome to my world.
Or the atmosphere outside it.
Hey, Ravi.
How are you feeling?
Hmm, let me see.
How would you feel if your
entire family left you alone,
and ran off to outer space?
Have you met my mother? Like
Christmas and my birthday,
all wrapped up into one.
And the worst thing is, I
am no longer feeling sick!
It must have been a 24 hour thing.
Kind of like your last nap.
Look, Ravi, I know you're disappointed,
but did you really expect them to pass
up the opportunity of a lifetime?
Yes! Space was supposed
to be my birthday present.
I did not read the book
Luke got for his birthday!
Yes, you did.
You caught two typos,
and emailed the publisher.
My point is, I should be the one in orbit!
If there is any justice in this world,
they are having a horrible time in space!
We are having the best time in space!
And I am really loving this burrito paste.
I'm saving so much time on chewing.
(Chuckles)
Luke, you don't chew on earth.
(Farts) Whoa!
(Beeping)
Yuck.
That reeks! Open a window!
No! Don't open a window!
Do not open a window!
Great.
Now we're gonna have to smell that
in our recycled air for the next two days!
Okay, no more floating around.
I'm turning on the gravity.
(Yells) Ow!
Space hurts.
(Alarm blaring)
What's with the flashing lights?
Club deep space in the house, y'all!
Oh.
Oh, no.
It looks like when Luke
butt-burped into the wall,
he hit the, eject
autopilot computer button!
Hey, don't blame me.
Blame whoever thought a good space
lunch would be a tube of Mexican food.
I.
V.
A.
N.
: Someone is not
getting their tube of flan.
Oh, no! The computer is drifting away!
I told you not to touch anything,
but, no! (Echoing)
Wait a minute, if I.
V.
A.
N.
'S gone,
then no one's flying the ship.
We're, lost in space!
(Screaming)
Whoever said, "in space,
no one can hear you scream,"
clearly never met Emma.
(Elevator dings)
Bad news, homies!
The computer that pilots the
craft has been ejected into space!
What?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What about my family? Are they okay?
Well, they drift hopelessly in
space, with only two days of oxygen,
so ultimately they are doomed.
(Sobs)
But on the bright side, they have all
the chimichanga paste they can eat.
Why is it even possible to eject
the computer that controls the ship?
In my country, we fear computer becoming
evil and turning against human crew.
We see this in your American
documentary, 2001: A space odyssey.
Uh, that wasn't real! It was a
Sci-Fi movie from forty years ago!
Not real? (Laughing)
Hold your phones.
Next thing you tell me Hogwarts wizard
school is not accredited institution.
(Laughing)
Ivan, we have to do something!
Is there any way to get to
space and save my family?
Well, we could maybe take older rocket.
But price would have to be right.
Oh! I will crack open my piggy bank.
That is cute, but it would
take great deal of monies.
His piggy bank is ten
feet tall and kept under
armed guard in a corner of fort knox.
In my country, piggy banks are actual pigs.
Do not ask how we make withdrawal.
We have to go! Every second counts.
We must save our family! Right, Bertram?
Eh
I cannot believe we are doing this!
I can't believe this thing has *** carpet.
(Screams)
Ivan: (Laughing) It's just a big lizard.
For a moment, I thought it
was deadly alien creature
we accidentally bring back to earth in '86.
We named him norm.
As if the eight-track player
didn't make me nervous enough.
This rocket is not as advanced
as the one your family took,
but I assure you it is still
state-of-the-art technology.
(Screaming)
Does this window actually
have a hand crank?
Oh, good catch.
We need to roll that up.
(Growling)
All right.
Hold on your hats.
We are lift-up in three, two,
one!
(Engine sputtering)
One! (Engine sputtering)
One, one, one, one,
one, one, one, one, one!
(Engine sputtering)
(Clears throat)
(Electricity crackling)
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Relax, I do this all the time.
(All screaming)
Bertram: Mrs.
Kipling,
quit hogging the bathroom!
I'm so scared.
Don't worry, we're gonna be okay.
Then why are you crying?
(Sobbing) Because your fingernails
are digging into my arm.
(Screaming) Hideous alien!
I would ground you, but we're
Jessie, did you find the ship's autopilot?
Not yet, but the good news is,
now I can add spacewalking to
the special skills on my resume!
In your face, Sandy bullock!
Leave Sandy alone!
If you're lucky, she'll play you when they
make a movie about this horrible disaster!
I see the autopilot! It's
a couple hundred yards away.
Well, don't just float there.
Go after it!
(Sighs) I can't.
My
tether isn't long enough!
No problem.
I'll push
the "untether" button!
Jessie: No! Don't do that!
No!
Jessie, come back!
How do you suggest I do that?
Uh, try doggie paddling!
(Sighs) This is a great time for
the smart one to be back on earth!
Are we running low on oxygen, or does
everybody see the floating lizard?
Oh, there they are!
Uh, turn right! Now!
Oh, I have to back it up.
(Screeching)
(Reverse beeping) Excuse me.
Seriously?
(Sniffs)
Did this used to be a garbage truck?
That is state secret.
(Revving)
Have you been able to
get through to anybody?
We're like hundreds of Miles from earth.
I can't get a signal! (Sighs)
That's weird, because the phone
company's satellite just floated by.
Wait.
We can use this thing to call earth!
Uh, does anyone know earth's number?
Maypole, maypole!
It's "mayday!"
It doesn't matter what day it is?
Mission control should
not be closed! (Sighs)
(Sighs)
I wish Ravi were here.
He would say something patronizing,
then come up with the solution!
All: Ravi!
How ironic that you are stuck in space,
considering that is all
you have between your ears.
Good one.
You're smart, we're stupid.
Now save us!
How did you get here?
I came with Ivan.
He has docked the back-up shuttle, and
is ready to take us all back to earth.
Good, let's get out of here!
No, we can't leave without Jessie!
Or my luggage.
It always gets lost when
I have a connecting flight.
Where is Jessie?
Out there, stranded in space!
We have to get her, but we don't know how!
(Gasps)
I have an idea!
Emma, did you bring your usual
assortment of hair dryers and scarves?
Duh.
I'm wearing a potato sack,
so I have to look good
from the neck up.
(Chuckles)
(Breathing heavily) Hello? Hello?
Can, can anyone hear me?
This is Jessie Prescott.
If anyone's listening, I'll
give you my coordinates.
I don't know.
I'm in the
middle of a bunch of stars,
and they all look alike.
Help!
Jessie!
(Blow dryers whirring)
Ravi! You came to save
me! Or style my hair?
I'm here to save you.
And after we get back to safety,
I will help you take
care of your helmet hair.
(Chuckling)
It's too hot!
This is what happens when you
re-enter earth's atmosphere!
Might also be because heat shield
is made entirely of old chewing gum!
Ew, I'm getting melty face! Can't
you activate the cooling system?
Okie-dokski.
Is there anything on this ship
that isn't made out of
cardboard and tape? Ooh!
Actually, toilet paper is made
of high density sheet metal.
(Chuckles) Weird, no?
Weird, yes.
So, where are we gonna
land this death bucket?
Considering we are travelling
around 17,000 Miles per hour,
I am hoping water.
Hoping? I'd tell you what I think of you,
but I don't want the last thing
the kids hear to be inappropriate!
(All screaming)
Uh, he's coming to.
(Grunting)
What happened?
Well, when you found out for your
birthday you were going into space, you
Space! Okay.
Yeah, pretty much that.
Hey, help me get him onto the couch.
Oh.
I haven't seen Ravi pass out
this much since health class.
Wait a minute! So, we
did not go into space?
No, but no one wishes
more than I that you would.
Oh, so, it must've all been a dream!
And you were there, and you
were there, and you were there,
and your luggage was there.
What happened in your dream?
Uh, Luke almost trapped everyone in
space forever with his flatulence.
(Laughing) Nice!
That's not as far-fetched
as it might sound.
So, Ravi, are you ready for
your grand adventure in space?
Absolutely! Just one thing.
If we pick up any alien life forms, can
we think of a better name than norm?
I think he hit his head
harder than we thought.
You are a very funny little boy.
(Chuckles)
Who told you about norm?
(Ravi retching)
(Continues retching)
Ravi: That was awesome!
(Retching)