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Leigh Cummings, everybody [cheering][applause]
Hello, I am Seth Rubin and I am still short. [laugher] I'm not only short, but weirdly proportioned.
I have this big body and little legs, which is great for movie theaters and planes,
but not so great in a fight. I'm basically a large target with the reach of a squirrel. [laughter]
And tell me, who can miss a head this size? Seriously?
Also, my pants keep falling down because I have a premium phone, and a discount ***. [laughter]
I need some kind of *** enhancement. I'm hoping Apple will come out with the I-Butt. [laughter]
But in spite of all this I did manage to find a woman who was shorter than I was
and in a few weeks we'll have been married for 25 years. [cheering][applause]
Twenty five years in sickness and in health. We're still waiting for the health part.
We take turns. She's the one on antibiotics this week.
We have terrible allergies. We're allergic to everything.
When we were younger we were wishing we could be like everyone we knew.
And the joke's on them because now everyone we know has allergies.
Sorry, guys. Didn't mean to do that. [laughter]
So, one of the secrets to our long marriage is that I suffer from CHS - can't hear ***.
[laughter] This ear ... completely deaf.
I don't wear a hearing aid, because then I wouldn't look cool. [laughter]
So, don't feel bad for me. Don't feel bad.
When it's late at night and my wife starts coughing and sneezing and doing all her allergy things,
and dogs start barking out in the neighborhood,
I just put my good ear to the pillow and I don't hear anything. It's wonderful.
So, I have to get my wife a good present for our anniversary.
She's a little mad at me. She's got a home office and she needs an inkjet.
And I can't hear ***, so I say what? And she says "inkjet! inkjet!"
So I squirted her with my pen. [laughter]
She wasn't too happy about that.
Tried meditating again the other day...
I closed my eyes and concentrated entered a blissful state
I fell asleep. [laughter]
But it was a transcendental nap.
So this guy I know is going to be a father in a several months.
Unfortunately, he's very young and still a big comic book fan.
They're going to name the kid after a comic book character ...
... that begins with a 'K'. Some screwy name.
And I tried to talk him out of it, but I can't. He's too young and headstrong.
And I said "Listen, you might as well call the kid 'Screwed' !"
So, you know, can you imagine a little kid like
"Hey! I'm Screwed!"
"And this is my little sister, ***!" [laughter]
I'm from New York.
I've been in Arizona eight years. I love it here.
and, uh, it's beautiful, you know ... but driving in the late afternoon ...
sun hits me right in the face ...
I turn to him and say "Cut that out! Not when I'm driving!" [laughter]
I'm only kidding. He doesn't hit me... Not any more. [laughter]
He had a unique way of greeting me when he was only three years old and this high...
He'd come up to me and say "Hi Daddy!" BOOM
I always imagined this kind of German voice in my head ...
"Oh Daddy is so funny, writhing on ze ground squirming!" [laughter]
But anyway... I've wanted to be a comedian ever since I was a kid.
But when I got out of college I thought, you know,
I'm going to do something stable. I'm going to be a software developer.
I've worked various jobs at Wall Street and internet companies.
I've never been fired, but I've had to change jobs due to ...
the Enron crisis, the Mortgage crisis, relocations, mergers, terrorists, and lately, the recession.
So now I'm doing show-business because I'm looking for something stable. [laughter][applause]
Thank you everyone! And now, one of many comics who is larger than me, Nick Luton!