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♪ dramatic sting ♪
♪ chimes ♪
♪ dramatic music ♪
Ow!
Ow!
The tray. On my foot.
Upstairs. I need help getting upstairs.
Oh. Oh no! What have I done?
Clumsy.
♪ dramatic music ♪
It’s okay everybody. It’s alright.
I’m a Liscensed "Vampirismologist."
( confused murmuring )
Step aside folks. He’s an "L.V."
( murmuring in understanding )
I was wondering why he wasn’t on the menu.
Tad: I’ll fight through the pain.
Bunny: Yes, yes dear, you’re very brave.
Sorry for the drama everyone.
Please enjoy yourselves.
There’s snacks on the floor.
(crowd murmurs in distaste )
It’s getting worse.
Dammit. How did you know about L.V.s?
Oh, that would be a great idea for a webseries.
It’s just a jumping off point.
Thank God you saw this before our guests did.
If they had seen us changing, it would have been a scene.
A messy, violent scene.
And we just had our floors re-finished.
Full moon!
Full moon!
Tad: I scheduled this party for a new moon, why is it full?
See, right there. New moon.
Bunny: This is a full moon.
Tad: It’s not. It’s an empty circle.
Tad: That’s a full moon. See? Filled.
Bunny: A filled circle is a new moon.
That doesn’t make any sense.
Look, filled with moonness.
Maybe the moon’s not using this calendar.
Dear, it’s blacked out meaning you can’t see it.
That’s ludicrous.
Well then what’s this symbol? A waxing gibbous?
Bunny: That’s… personal.
In what world is a full circle not a full moon?
So, to turn you into werewolves,
does the moon have to come out from behind the clouds,
or does it just have to be full?
I mean, are you werewolves all night?
Why aren’t you full werewolves right now?
We don’t have time for trivial nonsense.
Balthazane: Bunny? Tad?
( paper bag rustling )
( plastic bottles falling to floor )
Balthazane: Tad what is ...going on?
Tad: The L.V. has me doing breathing exercises for my foot.
His VKG looked good,
so I just diagnosed him with surfacarial trauma.
I thought you were a producer?
Well, Vampirismology is a hobby.
I learned it while researching my show, “Campfire Vampires”.
Wasn’t that about vampire Forrest Rangers?
One needs many skills to be a vampire Forrest Ranger.
What’s wrong with her?
Uh, she’s worried about my foot.
Perhaps she should do breathing exercises, too?
Bunny: ( muffled ) I’d love to breathe.
Look, get over yourself and get back downstairs.
Your guests are starting to whisper...
About me. ( huffs )
( footsteps )
We’ll be right down!
What are we going to do?
We can not go down there like this.
First, perhaps dear, you should try a little embalming fluid.
All this excitement’s not very good for your zombie freshness.
Werewolf solutions first, dear.
Embalming fluid doesn’t hurt you?
It doesn’t interact with your werewolf blood?
I mean, are werewolves undead?
We don’t have time for science!
You’re going back down there.
Tell them everything’s okay,
we’ll be down in a minute.
Oh God, no!
( crowd murmuring )
( crowd noises stop )
♪ dramatic music ♪
Producer : It’ll be okay, folks.
The pain is subsiding.
And there’s very little blo...
( vampire hisses )
…ood.
They're going to be right back down here any second.
Tad’s almost healed, actually. Regenerated.
Because his vampire biology is... biologically...
Magic, yeah, we know. All explained.
( Howie hisses )
Producer: Thanks.
Howie : Don’t mention it, bud.
Producer : Why don’t they eat me?
Howie : Do you want them to?
Producer : Why don’t they eat everyone? All the time?
Why do they hide? Why do you hide?
Why don’t you all just take over the world?
Laziness. Funny thing,
when you take over the world people expect you to run it.
Tell that to Obama, right?
( sigh ) Really?
♪ dramatic sting ♪
Tad: Masquerade time!
Tad: What is a vampire party without a masquerade?
Howie: A *** blessing is what.
( plastic bags rustling )
( vampire’s confused murmur )
♪♪♪♪
Tad: Paper or plastic?
Tad: Paper for you. You can actually asphyxiate.
( bag rustles and hits ground )
Tad, this is preposterous.
You’re making me look foolish.
Tad: But vampires love masquerades.
Masquerades, yes. Kindergarten, no.
Tad: Well we could do something else.
Tad: Um, bag charades? Bag ghost stories?
Tad: Bag, bag goose?
Bag nothing.
( Tad yelps )
Bunny : We could put on a talent show.
Tad: With bags.
No bags!
You need something passive.
Vamps don’t do, they watch.
That is not true.
When was the last time you created anything, Zane?
I am the most influential web show critic out there.
QED
( Tad yelps )
Bunny : Maybe we could play an ostrich game.
Bunny: One where we bury our heads under something.
Tad: We could invent one.
( bags collide )
I don’t even remember inviting you.
I’m not even here.
Bunny: Dear, I think something's caught.
Tad: We can just sit around in bags and enjoy the darkness.
No bags!
( paper bag ripping )
♪ dramatic sting ♪
( vampires dropping bags and art supplies )
You caught us.
( vampires hissing )
Yes you did.
You weren’t supposed to see this.
( vampires hissing )
But, here we are.
So, we’ll just have to start the show early.
( vampires' confused murmur )
Tad: We were hoping to do this a bit later in the evening.
But, hang it all, the surprise is ruined.
We put on this makeup and these prosthetics,
so, we’d like to present a staged preview of our upcoming webseries,
“Vampire Werewolf”!
( vampires murmur in discontentment )
Producer: A play? We’re doing a play?
That’s the best excuse you could come up with?
That’s a bit hackish, don’t you think?
Is it?
♪ dramatic music ♪
( vampires murmur rustle )
( spotlights creak )
( vampires shush eachother )
Imagine we’re in a vast aircraft hangar,
filled with planes and helicopters.
People are running to and fro.
In a cool, pool of moonlight,
leaning against huge wooden crates with red crosses on them is... is, uh...
Illustrious werewolf pilot, Rocco Rider.
( vampires boo and hiss )
Standing next to him is his girlfriend, and boss, uh...
Rockette.
R... Rockette.
Producer : She holds out his flight helmet to him and she says-
What do you mean you won’t airlift the cargo to the refugee camp?
Yes, she says that.
Um, you know why I can’t take this payload, Rockette.
But the crippled orphans need you!
( vampires ooh and aah )
Damnit, Rockette. It’s not about the crippled orphans.
( vampires ooh in excitement )
Bunny: Is it the other pilots?
Rocco Rider, you know they’re just fine with you being...
A werewolf?
( vampires boo )
I know, Rockette ...now.
It took years of hard work and dedication to
become the best damned chopper pilot in the Crimson Cross.
All the frisbee jokes, the milkbones on my pillow night after night,
but I outlasted their bigotry.
Hell, I even learned to fly.
But then you join up and it’s as if being a werewolf was always just hunky dory.
So no, Rockette, that’s not it.
Then why, Rocco? Why won’t you fly for the crippled orphans?
( vampires ooh in excitement )
Because, Rockette, you gave me a payload of...
A payload of... Blood!
( vampires murmer excitedly ) But no one can handle the blood like you can.
Is that some kind of slur because I’m...
A vampire, too!
( vampires gasp in surprise )
Tad: Shhhh!
You can’t keep it a secret forever, Rocco.
Can’t you see?
You’re so worried that you won’t be worthy once they know the truth.
But the truth is that they're the ones who aren't worthy of you.
They're not the ones who doubt that you can get the blood there unsucked.
It’s you.
Damn you, Rockette.
If I didn’t love you so much, I’d kiss you.
Well my little airwolf, there’s nothing stopping me.
♪ dramatic romantic music swells ♪
♪♪♪♪
( Tad howls loudly. wolves howl in distance )
♪ dramatic music ♪
Howie: Jesus Christ, they’re really werewolves.
( dog toy squeaks )
( vampires hiss and mumble angrily )
( spotlights squeak )
♪ chimes ♪
♪♪♪♪