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Here at the Fat *** Restaurant, we're big fans of taking risks.
We don't shy away from technology.
Firstly, I'm going to take a whole roast dinner
and put it into this blender that I have customised
using technology pioneered by NASA.
Then I'm going to add half a tin of gloss paint
and pour this into the mix.
Give it a little ***.
And finally, I'm going to take this vacuum cleaner that I have rewired
to blow as well as suck.
There.
A breath mint.
If anyone else did this, you'd think they were crazy.
One cop with a special gift,
the ability to get inside the mind of the criminal. Meet the Mind Cop.
It's the animal liberation activist, sir.
He posed as a tourist, and when the attendant wasn't looking,
he set the monkeys loose.
And then he *** them.
No. No, they just went over the wall. It's all on CCTV.
OK, OK. Whoa, back up there.
Help me walk this through.
I'm the activist, you're the monkey.
Oh, man! I'm so high, man!
I'm a crazy activist ***, man!
And I just love those monkeys.
I mean, I really love those monkeys, man!
The smell of their *** makes my *** hard, man!
There was no *** contact between the activist and the primates.
Don't disturb me when I'm in character, you schmuck!
Yes, sir.
So, I open the cage. I've got some bananas.
I even painted my *** to look like a banana.
The big, sexy-looking chimp comes up and he starts sucking on my banana.
That's not on the tape, sir...
Shut up! He starts sucking on my banana.
What?
Suck on my banana! That's an order!
I'm allergic to bananas, sir.
Shut your mouth, you cheap *** ***! And then what happened?
Oh... Oh, God!
No!
And then, you *** a monkey, didn't you?
You dirty *** ***!
# People think I'm a massive gay
# Because I sing wet songs with Coldplay
# But how the hell can that be
# When I'm shacked up *** my Gwynnie
# I think the mistake I've made
# Is that I care too much for Fair Trade
# But people are real important to me
# And I want you to pay more for coffee
# Extra cash for your bananas too
# Cos what else can the poor, starving farmers do?
# They need a big star to sort their ***
# Even if it makes me look like a bit of a ***
# And I do
# Look a bit of a ***
# And I do
# Look a massive ***. #
In this week's Daily Mail, get your free DVD.
Classic Films Remastered So The Nazis Win.
With classics including Saving Private Ryan.
Are you Private James Ryan?
Yeah.
Thank God we found you, man.
We're here to take you out of here, son.
What? I'm going home!
Yeah!
I'm going home, you German sons of ***!
The Pianist.
That was truly beautiful.
And Schindler's List.
The list is good. The list is right.
Damn right it's good.
Makes my job a lot easier. Danke.
That's Classic Films Remastered So The Nazis Win.
Invading your newsagents tomorrow.
My mother is on the list!
# A massive ***
# ***, ***, I should just shut my gob... #
New from Wintendoh, the Piii! A new generation of home gaming.
With great games including Plastic Surgeon.
Slice up her face, and come in first place. Only on the Piii.
Now on BBC1, EastEnders.
And a new Mitchell brother surprises Peggy in The Vic.
We're not open yet.
Ah, yes. Hello, er, Mum.
David Mitchell? Hello, son. Do you want a drink?
Can I have a dandelion and burdock?
Oh, we haven't got any.
Oh, right.
In that case, bitter's fine.
'God, I sound like an idiot.
'How hard is it to say hello and not sound like an idiot?
'Impossible apparently, if you're me, a big bollocking idiot.'
What are you doing here?
What am I doing here? Um...
'What am I doing here? Look at this place!
'I bet they don't even do food.
'Christ. Isn't there a decent gastro-pub in Walford?
'I bet Ocado refuse to deliver to this postcode.'
Where have you been? Wait till I tell Phil and Grant you're back.
'Oh, God. She's still talking. My mother.
'I'm actually related to her.
'Maybe now's not a good time to mention Carry on Camping.
'I saw her *** in that.
'Those lovely ***, or Bristols as they were known back then.
'Oh, God. Don't look at them now!'
'Ere, what's wrong with you, David?
'Oh, ***, I'm getting erect.
'Oh, big spunky *** castles! I'm going to Chesil Beach it.'
Ugh!
EastEnders returns tomorrow.
Over on BBC4 now, Mike Leigh unveils his new film.
Set in post-war London,
it centres around Edna Dellbridge, a girl who works in a fish bar by day
but illegally terminates pregnancies by night.
It's Abortion Of Chips.
Hi, I'm Dale Winton and this is Hole In The Wall, Late Night.
First up is the gorgeous Paul.
Hello, Paul. Are you ready?
I'm ready, Dale.
Then bring on the wall!
That looks like a tricky one.
Don't worry, I'll give you a hand, Paul.
There we go!
Now on Bravo, a bit of man time. It's the Rugby Boys.
Hey guys, let's do this, yeah?
Sometimes, I don't feel like it, right?
It's all, "Come on, you're a man, real men want sex all the time."
That's terrible. You're not a piece of meat.
If that's her idea of men, no wonder she feels rejected.
I need to show that my love for her is deeper than just
animal attraction. Hope that she'll reciprocate.
But you have feelings too.
Come on, I'm taking you to see The Tempest on Saturday night.
My treat.
Oh, thanks! I don't know what I'd do without you guys. I love you all.
We love you too. All right, let's do this, yeah?
One, two, three... Now!
God, this lift is so slow.
Sixth floor.
Seventh floor.
Eighth floor.
Gary, pack that in!
Tenth floor.
Eleventh floor.
EU news now, and today, the European Court in Brussels
overruled its own guidelines on political correctness, saying
banning politically incorrect terms hadn't worked
and there should be a return to the 1970s language.
The new old words will return to the language tomorrow,
but how will these new guidelines affect you?
Well, if you are a bi-polar sufferer, you will once again
just become simply mental.
If you are dyslexic, you'll return to simply being backwards,
or "uh, thicko". And disabled people will go back to being spazzies.
Or spackers. And also, being Asian will be mean
you could come from anywhere outside of Dorset.
And finally, if you are a bit clumsy,
you will once again become a flid.
Comedian Jim Davidson wasn't available for comment,
but his friend Chalkie White did issue a statement.
'I'm well happy with the guidelines, man.
'It means I can be in me pal Jim's act again, don't it?
'He's got so many funny stories about me being a lazy sambo.'
By the way, did you watch Spastics Say No last night?
No.
Ugh... Every time.
Hey, I'm Rick Edwards.
And I'm Alexa Chung.
And you're watching T4, or something.
Yeah. So, like, what's coming up on the show today, Alexa?
Who cares? Shows are lame.
Yeah, rubbish.
Yeah.
Here's an episode of Friends,
which you've probably already seen six million times.
Friends? I've got lots of friends.
There's Peaches, Trixy, Grimmy, Cuthbert, Dibble, Barney McGrew,
I've got loads of cool friends.
Not like you losers at home.
You're really cool, Alexa.
I know. By the way, have I ever mentioned
that my boyfriend's in the Arctic Monkeys?
'Ere, hello, Russell Brand 'ere. Nice talking to thee, ain't it?
'Ere, might I enquire of something?
Can I have a small go on your bird?
What? How dare you!
Haven't you learnt your lesson yet, you beast?!
Who was that on the phone?
Never you mind.
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
What about the monkey? No? �