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Okay everyone, thanks for
participating in this focus group.
I'm going to be asking you some
questions about the show
"Inside Amy Schumer",
everyone understand?
Okay. So first question,
what do you think
the balance between the
sketches and the stand-up?
- Ooh!
- Bronco?
Yeah, I thought her
*** were great.
Like, really good ***.
But her face was just okay.
Just so-so face, man.
So-so face, okay.
How about the balance between
stand-up and sketches?
- Dave, you have a thought?
- Yeah.
Um, she looked better
in the stand-up, for sure,
but then there was just way,
way hotter chicks in the skits.
So it was really hard
for me to say...
And also, I like the skits
better when you saw sideboob,
kind of, but not
the close-ups of face.
Like, way less face,
but more sideboob.
- That's what I would say.
- Okay.
Is this something you guys
could see yourselves DVRing?
I would probably *** her,
if that's what you mean?
Seriously, dude?
Yeah.
- You wouldn't *** her?
- I don't know.
Is it crazy that
I would *** her?
Dude, yes, you would.
Like, if no one had
to find out ever.
- Like, you just *** her--
- If nobody finds out?
- Just ***, dude.
- Then I'm banging her.
I would, yeah.
Okay, so everyone would
*** her if nobody knew.
- If nobody knew.
- I'd like to *** her.
Like to *** her.
Great, this is awesome, guys.
- Okay, sure, go ahead.
- Are the writers hot?
If I could interject, I liked
the routines where she was on
the street talking to people and
I appreciated how it had a sort
of feminist bend on
a male-skewing network.
Okay, great.
But I must say, I would
enjoy the routines more
if she had like
a 10% better dumper?
- Thank you.
- Yes.
- Downstairs better?
- Yeah.
- Okay, everyone agrees with that, right?
- Yes, absolutely.
It's just gotta be
a better turtle part, man.
Okay, last question.
On a scale of one to 10, how
funny was "Inside Amy Schumer?"
You can write your answers on
the cards in front of you.
1 to 10 guys.
Everyone ready?
Okay, everyone show your cards.
Okay, so... okay, great.
Um, going to give your
input to the network and uh,
here's your payment.
Beef sticks and energy drinks.
Oh!
Couple of 'em said
they would *** me?
Sync && corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
It's so hard for girls,
like, your self-esteem,
I just feel like
it's up and down.
Some days I wake up and
I'm just like, yes, ***.
I'm like, my ***'s
(bleep) magic.
Then other days I wake up like,
I can't believe anyone's
ever (bleep) me.
Like, Ursula from
"The Little Mermaid."
Shooting ink at people.
Like, tentacles.
Just... do you think
that was hot?
Is it just like a sea of
*** out there right now?
Bone, boneyard.
♪ Shrimpy been prawn... ♪
Hey ***, what' up?
Girl, did Bobby Skeltis ever end
up letting have sex with him?
Why? No.
Okay good, Laura just
told me he has ***.
So.
Oh.
Well, no, that is a big relief
because no, I did not.
Ok, no.
I just wanted to let you know.
Oh my God, oh no, no, no!
My God, no!
Please, God, let me not
have ***, please!
We, well, well.
Look who it is.
God?
Do you remember when the last
time I heard from you was?
It was probably pretty recently
when my friend Tig got cancer.
Pretty sure I reached out then.
No, it was seven years ago
when you were rooting for
the Green Knight
at Medieval Times.
Oh.
Well, God, thank you so much
for coming through for me
- that night.
- You're welcome.
This guy, Bobby Skeltis,
that you slept with?
What are you doing?
I know, ow.
I can do so ch better,
you're right.
I didn't say that.
Oh.
You know, 70% of people
who reach out to me
are having a *** scare.
- Why should I help you?
- Okay.
- That's a fair question.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Um, so I'm kind,
a public figure now.
Like a role model?
So if some young girl saw me
buying Valtrex or something,
- it would be like, a thing.
- Right.
A thing, hmm.
Like that earthquake in Peru
yesterday that killed 9,000 people.
Oh my God, I hope
no one was hurt.
Oh, gosh.
I really need to stop
making so many white girls.
Let me be honest with you, okay?
You did get ***,
you already have it.
- No!
- Yes.
For me to undo your ***,
I have to create balance in
the universe, you understand?
Totally.
I'd have to kill off an entire
village in Uzbekistan.
Yeah, whatever
you think is best.
Do it.
You'll also have
to sacrifice something.
- Oh my God, name it.
- Okay.
- You need to stop drinking.
- Pass.
How about stop using hair spray?
The aerosol is very bad
for the environment.
Could I just like, blow you?
I'm gay.
- So?
- Jesus Christ.
How about you just call your
mother a little bit more often?
That's an easy one.
Mmm... what is
*** exactly?
It's an outbreak,
like, once a year?
- Yeah.
- I don't know....
- I think I'll just take it.
- Okay, fine.
Fine, *** it is.
Now don't forget to call all
the men that you've slept with.
It's the moral
thing to do, right?
Oh my God, of course.
Duh.
- Amy.
- Mmm!
I can see everything.
What? Oh now?
- You want me to do it now?
- Yes!
Okay, well, you weren't
clear about that.
- I'll do it right now.
- Sorry.
I'm sorry, I'll do it now.
Boopoop boop.
Boop boop...
♪ Jeans into jean shorts ♪
What?
I'm sorry you change seasons
and now I need jean shorts.
- This one's on you.
- Just call them.
No!
Fine, I'll do it.
Gimme the phone.
Unbelievable.
Hi, Mike, it's Amy.
- Schumer.
- I don't talk like that.
Uh, yeah, we met on
Christmas at the
Boston Market and had
sex after two beers?
Yeah.
You have ***
because I have ***.
Byeee!
Did he sound like he was at
all psyched to hear from me,
- like what was his vibe?
- You're the (bleep) worst.
- Wow.
- Oh, no?
You ever had a *** scare?
- Once, yes.
- What happened?
Um, staph infection.
- Thank God!
- I know, right?
You ever had an STD scare?
STD scare, no.
- Wow, good job.
- Wrap that (bleep) up.
That's a *** and this
was a ***, right?
Your wedding day... Memories
that will last a lifetime.
And you deserve to have those memories
captured by a true professional.
Not ruined by some ** who
can't ** different skin tone.
Click! Hi, I'm
Martin Daniels,
Interracial Wedding
Photographer.
I'll make sure your wildly
mismatched skin pigments
don't stand in the way of
a flawless wedding portrait.
Presto!
My work speaks for itself.
I photographed literally
dozen of satisfied couple
like these two here.
Wendy is Asian and Josh is,
guess what, a Jew.
Real original, Josh.
Click.
My two separate but equal light
meters allow me to capture
the pastiest whites
and the darkiest darks.
Even though your union doesn't
look right through the Lord's
eyes, I'll still
take the picture.
Who am I, jury duty?
And my specialized editing
software lets me disguise
the disapproving looks
from your relatives.
Can I do Persian
and black? Yes!
Jewish and Namibian?
Yes!
Irish and indecipherable?
Why not?
Korean and Mexican?
No.
No you have to draw
the line somewhere.
Will I photograph
same race couples?
Gladly.
I offer a 30% Stick With
Your Own Kind discount, click.
But if you insist on saying,
"I do" to someone who grew up
in a house that smelled
different than your house,
you can count on me,
Martin Daniels,
Interracial Wedding
Photographer.
What the (bleep) you just say?
You ever hook up
with a black guy?
Half-black,
half-Puerto Rican once.
We are accepting
that, yes, thank you.
Excellent, I've been wondering
Was it cool or what?
I think I enjoyed it, yeah.
That is the perfect way to
describe every ***
encounter I've ever had.
I think enjoyed it, but..
You ever date a black guy?
I never dated a black guy.
You are the best.
Unh!
Bridget Everett is just three
points away from winning
her fourth Grand Slam.
Remarkably, she has not allowed
Schumerenka a single game in
this match and yet,
I can't take my eyes off
of Schumerenka's unique
style on the court.
I agree, Patrick.
Schumerenka has a charisma on the
court that just pulls you in.
Out.
I think one reason why
Schumerenka having such
a difficult time in this
match is the distraction
factor of Evett's grunting.
Oh, God, it's disgusting,
they should really ban it.
Whoo!
Ah
Unh.
Out.
Heaving and sweating like a
Clysdale, Everett makes the shot.
Let's take a look at
the instant replay.
Unh.
So amazing.
I think the most incredible part
of Schumerenka's game is how she
manages to be so thin and yet,
still have such large ***.
Absolutely, it's just
such a turn-on
to see tennis play with
this level of integrity.
Amy's friends and family
obviously agree.
Schumerenka's sponsor
is Herpsky premium ***.
As usual, Everett's friend
and old math teacher
is there to cheer her on.
Got her a nice seat in her VIP
box, sponsored by Ground Beef.
Is what she's doing
technically cheering her on?
It looks like she's just
eating snacks from home.
Schumerenka seems to be trying
to take a moment to refocus.
This is one of those key moments
where she definitely needs to
take her time and not rush.
- Yeah, don't rush that.
- Whoo.
Bridget doesn't seem to like the
delay in the game and as usual,
she has to try to control her
infamous attitude problem.
It's unattractive and also
she's (bleep) ****.
Unh!
Unh!
Uh!
No good, it's over.
Yes! Yes!
Well, Evert wins the
East Coast International
for the fourth time
in straight sets.
Hope she's happy.
Let's go courtside for
the awards ceremony.
Bridget, you won.
Here's your cup and
a million dollars.
Thanks, Katrina.
- Really fought hard out there--
- Amy, you lost.
But you were so gorgeous
throughout the entire match
that it's almost like you won.
Does that make sense?
What's your secret?
Um.
I love this country.
Freedom.
Amy, I'm being told
the crowd has chipped in.
You will now be walking
away with $2 million!
America!
I love you...
thank you!
Oh, thank you, my country!
Thank you! America!
Ah!
I won... I won.
Amy! Amy! Amy!
These are for you take them.
I don't need them anymore.
I love you, America.
Take them.
Amy Schumerenka, a true champion.
Great for tennis.
- I would (beep) her.
- Oh, me too.
Who do you think is the
hottest female athlete?
Anna Kournikova?
- Yeah?
- Yeah, not too bad.
Uh, is she good at tennis?
Mildly.
- But it doesn't matter.
- No, doesn't.
- You'd still rather watch her play.
- Yeah.
Who do you think is the
hottest female athlete?
Is there really any hot
female athlete out there?
They're a little
butchy, all of them.
Well, I'm a little butchy
and I get laid.
Who do you think is the
hottest female athlete?
And you can't say me.
- You're not an athlete.
- What?
Feel how heavy this is.
It's like a Shake Weight.
This is like a Shake Weight.
Stop having better jokes
than me on my TV show.
Oh, good morning, Mr. Blake,
I'm Amy, your new secretary.
Hello, Amy, good to meet you.
Say, I'm very busy today
so I like you to make sure
that I'm not disturbed.
No one, but no one,
is to go into my office
without an appointment, got it?
- Yes, sir.
- Thanks, doll.
- I need to see Mr. Blake immediately!
- Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
- He's busy right now.
- Well, this can't wait.
No, no, you can't go in there!
Blake! Completely unacceptable!
Third time this month!
I'm sorry, Mr. Blake, I told
him he can't come in here!
All right, Amy,
have a seat, Bill.
For the love of God.
This is--
- Damn it, Amy, what happened there?
- I'm sorry, sir.
I told him he couldn't go in there.
Okay.
Well, I really need you to put
some oomph into it, kiddo.
- Okay.
- All right.
This is an abomination,
I need to see Mr. Blake.
No, you can't go in there!
The hell I can!
Blake, I've had it up to here!
I'm sorry, Mr. Blake, I told
he can't come in here!
Jesus Christ, Amy.
Ed, did she say you
couldn't come in here?
- Yes, she did.
- Well, how did she say?
Uh, "You can't go in there."
Okay, that's pretty good.
But the way she said it, it
felt like I could go in there.
Mm-hmm.
Amy, there are thousands
of women who'd kill for the
opportunity to tell people they
can't come into my office.
I know, I'm sorry, sir,
I'll work on it.
Mm-hmm, all right,
have a seat, Ed.
You can't go in there...
you can't go in there.
You can't go in there.
I have to see Mr. Blake!
No, no, you can't in there!
Oh.
Okay, thank you.
I'll wait.
Oh.
We, I'm sorry I yelled,
I have to say that.
No, I respect the
American secretary.
I'm not an animal.
Sir, thank you.
Today's been so
difficult for me and--
Say! Is someone
going in there?
- Where?
- Come on, everyone!
What? No!
No, you can't go in there!
You can't go in there!
You can't go in there!
You, you can't go in there!
You can't go in there!
You can't go in there!
You can't go in there!
You can't-- Oh, gosh,
I'm dreadful at this.
How did you guys get in here?
Amy!
Look, Amy, you're a woman
and you can only focus
on one thing at
a time, I get that.
That's why I gave you
just the one task.
In fact, what are
you even doing typing?
Look, you need to start doing
your job or I'm going to find
someone who can do your job.
Well, hello, I'm here
to see Mr. Blake.
You can't go in there!
Oh!
Ooh! Ow!
Oh!
I'm sorry, your call cannot
be completed as dialed.
You! Can't!
Go! In! There!
Amy.
Did my 11:30
get here yet?
Mr. Blake will see you now.
♪ Stand up, stand up ♪
♪ And be proud let someone in ♪
♪ Let someone in ♪
♪ Go get the coffee now ♪
- So, Gabe, you edit and produce ***.
- Yeah.
How did you get started
working in ***?
My friend told me, "If
you wanna work on TV,
find a production studio that
makes something you love."
So I was like, let me find a ***
studio that makes something I love.
What's the name of
the last *** you shot?
Um, it is called
"(Bleep)more."
It's...
- Is this about me?
- It's not.
We can Photoshop your
face on the cover--
I'd appreciate that.
What's your favorite
scene you've ever shot?
The thing I'm most proud of is
a double penetration shot we,
- we got away with.
- What's that?
- I'm just kidding.
- Oh, man, okay.
'Cause I could tell you.
No...
Would you ever do it?
- Oh no, no, God, no.
- Why?
I don't know if I got
the body for that.
- Like--
- Come on!
- could work it, but like, not--
- Girl.
Is it more important to have
a good body or a huge (bleep)?
We've gotten some older guys
with like, craggy faces and
like, really saggy, but
then they have these like,
- giant 11-inch dicks.
- Giant dongs.
- What do you do?
- It's like a chest-down kind of thing.
So you'll like, pan up to their
face every now and then--
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- Like, he's a human!
- And then you just go back.
- Right.
"We promise!
This isn't a centaur."
What if someone's just
like, a really bad actor?
Like, so bad.
Have you ever replaced anyone?
Like, you'd be surprised how many
people don't show up last minute.
So sometimes we'll have like,
backups, that we'll call like,
a half hour before and be like,
"Yo, is your butt clean?
- Come over."
- So cute.
That's how they ask me to get ready
for the show in the morning.
"Schumer, clean your butt."
I'm like,
"I don't wanna!"
What's the worst thing
you've witnessed this year?
Usually what I have
to do is get that like,
- beneath the (bleep) shot.
- Okay.
So it's almost like
you're a tiny ant
- and you're just staring up at...
- That's cute.
What a cute metaphor.
This is getting--
why is this so cute?
I don't know. You've
like a weevil.
You're like, "So I'm
in 'Fraggle Rock'."
- Oh my God.
- So this dude, he like,
um, pulls his (bleep)
just as he's (bleep)--
- You're not like, wearing a poncho--
- No.
- You're not at a Gallagher show.
- No.
And I kid you not, it was
like Niagara Falls.
It was just like, a wave of
like, (bleep) to the face.
- This sounds like the worst case scenario.
- It was really rough.
And it's like, somehow the
grace of whatever God exists,
it missed my mouth.
You are such a glass
half-full type of guy.
I'm so jealous of the
way guys get to (bleep).
It looks so fun.
And not just 'cause you get to
spread your Funfetti wherever
you want, just, like
Oprah's big giveaway.
You get a car, you get a car.
Just like, "Ghostbusters".
Ugh.
But guys, they're so
satisfied, so tired.
They're just like,
"Unh, (bleep)."
It's like they were
in a car accident.
"Did you see that guy?
Came outta nowhere.
Are you all right?
You seem all right.
Did you get his plates?"
Then they sleep for
nine, 10 hours.
We're not like that.
I need more recovery time after
a sneeze than an ***.
Just...
- Little kiss?
- Why?
- I am, no, I am gay, but, uh--
- But what?
No. Can we just try,
just to see what's up?
Yeah, you know--
Mmm, magic.
Sync && corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com