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Like people all over the world,
our family has always
had little rituals
that we look forward to.
Like, every Sunday,
we'd head down to ShopWorld
to check out the specials.
Come on, gang!
Let's get a move on!
There was something
about the regularity of it,
and the fact that we all
did it together
that made it special.
Until, one Sunday,
Raja had a thought:
You know,
Mrs. Tolchuck,
ShopWorld is kind
of like your church.
No, Raja. That's not right.
I know it seems funny
to think of it,
but you all go together
on your Sabbath day;
it seems to lift
everybody's spirits;
and you do
leave behind
roughly ten percent
of your income.
There are
many parallels.
You know, Raja, this
weekly shopping trip
that we go on as a family
is just for fun.
It has nothing to do
with our spiritual life.
That would be shallow.
I am sorry.
I meant no offense, huh?
Perhaps it was not as delightful
an observation as I thought.
Gar,
Raja says that
we haven't really
exposed him to our
family's spiritual life yet.
Oh, yeah. God.
Good stuff. Good stuff.
Way up on our list.
Let's get inside.
Oh, look. They're
advertising
brand-name dishes for 50% off.
We're not going in there.
What?
Today, this family
is going to church.
What?
Seriously?
I don't want to go.
Today, this family
is going to church.
Now, get in the damn car!
It had been ten years since
our family had gone to church.
Why the sudden change of heart?
Turns out there were
a few things going on
in my mother's head these days.
First of all, she's always
a little more high-strung
around the holidays.
But, this year,
she got a special jolt
when Claire and I gave her
our Christmas lists.
CLAIRE'S XMAS LIST:BIRTH CONTROL PILLS
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My mother needed some help
imposing moral authority
on Claire,
so she dragged us all back
to the family's church,
which, it turns out, we hadn't
been to in quite some time.
Is this your church?
Something's different.
Welcome to The Chicken Wing.
How may I help you?
Yeah. Hi. What happened
to the church
that used
to be in this spot?
I haven't been trained
to respond to that, ma'am.
I was married
in this place.
My children were baptized
right over by that deep fryer.
And I'd like to know
how a house of God could turn
into a chicken restaurant.
I think you'll need
a manager for that.
Honey, I I think
it's kind of rude
to just sit here
during lunch rush.
I always thought what
that place needed was chicken.
If it is not too forward
of me to ask,
exactly what denomination
is your family?
We're Methodists, Raja.
I thought we were Lutheran.
No, we were,
but then we switched.
Yeah, to Episcopalian. Remember?
We're splitting hairs here,
you know?
The point is, Jesus is our guy.
Yes. I have also studied Jesus.
In the Muslim faith
he is a great prophet.
We believe in the *** Birth,
although not the Resurrection.
It would be so interesting
to compare those parts
of the legend
we share in common
and those on which we differ.
You don't want to eat that
without the sauce.
Okay, there's a mega-church
in Langston with a 1:00 service.
And, if we go now,
I think we can make it.
Well, here we go.
I am so looking forward to this.
And exactly what denomination
is this new church?
"Mega."
I'm sorry.
The service
is already in progress.
The next one begins
in 90 minutes.
Oh, for (bleep) sake!
No, we should stay
for Christ's sake, kids.
No more backtalk!
Luckily, there was plenty
to keep us busy
while we were waiting
for Christ's sake.
While Claire and my mom
got some chai lattes,
and I listened
to some Christian rock,
my dad checked out
the housewares section
of the gift shop.
May I help you, sir?
Uh, yeah, these plates
with the apostles on them.
Is is this the price
per plate?
Oh, no. It's $22.50
for the whole set.
By the way,
they are collectibles.
Oh. Do you take credit cards?
What has always
fascinated me most
is your idea of the Trinity.
It is somewhat
surprising
that the idea survived
the Reformation.
Meanwhile,
there was no polite way
to get Raja to ease up
on all the God talk.
?????????/Oh!
What is it?
Buck Ceglowski,
also known as the face-sitter.
I came up with that.
Well, inspired it.
Isn't that not Buck from our school?
Shh!
Hello, Buck.
Hey, Tolchuck,
is that you?
I almost didn't
recognize you
without my *** on your face.
Maybe it was
because I was at a church,
but I didn't just wish
for something to stop him.
I actually prayed.
Please, God, please.
My eye, my eye, I'm blind.
Oh, my God.
And so began
my spiritual awakening.
Hello, um,
I'm Debbie Lowell.
Oh, hello.
Franny Tolchuck.
Hi.
This is my daughter, Claire.
Hi.
Are you thinking
of joining our church?
Oh, well, perhaps.
Oh.
Until recently
we were members
of a church across town,
but they underwent
some changes.
It was hardly about
God at all anymore.
I understand.
This is a wonderful place
for families.
We have Biblestudy
for all ages.
Your daughter might be
interested in our chastity club.
She is.
What?
Well, it's
just a group
of young people
who get together
every Tuesdays
and Thursday nights
to talk about ways
to fight the secular pressures
encouraging teen sex.
Isn't that wonderful?
Mm-hmm.
We also go
on, uh, field trips
and we put on an annual
Nativity play.
Actually, we need a few more
adults to help supervise.
Well, sign me up.
Yay!
Maybe I'll learn
how to avoid
teen sex myself.
Okay, great.
So, um, just read
that over
and, um, see
what you think.
Okeydoke.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Okay, let me be clear:
not if you lit me on fire!
You are joining that club.
You can't make me.
My mom was in a tough position.
She knew she couldn't force
Claire to join,
but she did have one card
to play,
and luckily her hypocrisy meter
was never all that sensitive.
You join the chastity club,
I'll let you go on the pill
for Christmas.
deal
Get out of here.
I know it sounds crazy,
but I'm telling you
I prayed for it
and boom,
Buck Ceglowski down
like a tree.
Did Raja do this
to you, huh?
Is he making you
all religious?
What? No.
I'm not getting
all religious
necessarily.??????????/
I'm just saying that
traditions, like praying,
have been around
for thousands of years,
and I'm starting
to understand why.
I'm worried.
Sharon heard
there's going
to be a pop quiz on all
of chapter seven today.
Oh, no.
Did you even read
chapter seven?
No, I got halfway through
the first paragraph.
Once they mentioned
agrarian economy, I fell asleep.
Woke up 13 hours later.
I missed dinner.
I missed my shows.
I missed the bus
this morning.
I had to walk.
Agrarian economy?
Dude, this is
Spanish class.
Ay.
Listen up,
people.
Ms. Gately will not be in today.
She woke up this morning
with Perkins disease
and has temporarily lost
the power of speech.
It's odd, very odd.
Anyway, you're on your own.
Well, I know what the next thing
you got to pray for is:
sex with Liz Sherman.
Yes!
I can't do that.
Why not?
Because
I can't pray
for something
that God is against.
I think it's a little
presumptuous of you
to claim you know
the will of God.
But if I had
to guess,
I'd say God is for it.
God smashed Buck Ceglowski's
head open in church,
gave Ms. Gately
Perkins disease.
I mean
this is a pretty cool God.
He had a point.
Sex with Liz Sherman was
certainly worth thinking about,
even more than usual.
Meanwhile,the chastity club
meetings were everything
Claire and my mother
had anticipated.
And so I say,
why not wait
until marriage
when the Lord gives me
the thumbs up
to share my carnal treasure?!
It got even worse
when Mom agreed to direct
the Nativity play
for the Christmas pageant
and she cast Claire
as the *** Mary.
I still think
in the new year
our main goal should
be recruitment.
The kids in my school
are so addicted to sex.
You walk down the hall
and you can just tell.
Gee, Brenda,
I'd love to help you recruit,
but I'm not going to be around
anymore after Christmas Eve.
I'm only in this club so my mom
will let me go on the pill.
I'm only here so
I can get a car.
What kind?
Why do the
Nelsons have
only a simple wreath
on their door,
whilst your home
is decorated
with lights and reindeer
on the roof?
Well, we love Jesus
more than they do.
We're a Jesus-loving family.
That's also why we
have an inflatable
motion-sensor
singing snowman.
Interesting.
Do you, uh, have
any inflatable decorations
to help you celebrate
your holidays,
like a magic lamp or something?
No.
Interesting.
Wait till you experience Easter,
Raja.
Oh, there's little bunnies
and dyed eggs
and candy.
It's very spiritual.
What the hell?
Justin and I both got Simon
the Zealot.
There aren't supposed to beduplicate apostles.
Well,I don't think it matters, Gar.
Well, it's supposed to be
a valuable collectible.
And I have two Simons.
That means someone's missing.
And
I think it's
Doubting Thomas,
that's the best one of all.
I'm taking these back.
Hey, everybody.
Claire.
You do realize
we've got rehearsal
every single night
this week.
I know.
My mom was thrilled.
She thought Claire was finally
making a connection with God,
even if she was really
just making a connection
with Joseph.
But where shall we
stay, my husband?
Do not worry, my wife.
I will find us a place
where we can spend
the night.
Your daughter is
so committed to this role.
Isn't she?
Claire!
Luckily, at least one
of Mom's children
really believed in something.
Hell-hi.
Hi there.
And sure enough,
my praying worked.
But then
Hi, Liz.
Hi there.
What the hell
are you doing?
I don't think
we need to curse.
You're praying for sex
with Liz Sherman, aren't you?
I think that's between
me and my Lord.
You're going
to ruin this.
We can't both be praying
for the same thing at once.
Well, then stop.
No. I don't want to stop.
You're the one
who has to stop.
Hey, I've been practically
praying for sex with her
since the sixth grade.
Oh, yeah? Well, you know what.
I'm not going to stop.
And I can pray for like
eight hours a day.
Oh, yeah? Well,
I just quit dulcimer,
so I can pray
for at least ten,
and a couple of those prayers
might be designed
to take you out of the
competition altogether.
Think about it.
So there it was:
the power of prayer
twisted into something
selfish and petty.
It was like he didn't
understand religion at all.
As Christmas approached,
Mom was beginning to wonder
if the Chastity Club
might wind up being
the biggest threat
to Claire's chastity.
Meanwhile, my dad was having
doubts about our church.
I am done with that place.
What's the matter?
I brought the apostle
plates back.
She told me they have
a no-return policy.
Can you believe it?
I am never buying anything
or praying there again.
Oh, for Pete's sake
They took advantage
of my religious faith
to sell me faulty merchandise.
You and the kids
can go if you want,
although I'm getting
a little concerned
Claire is turning into some kind
of religious fanatic.
Well, I dropped her off
at the back entrance.
She's meeting some boy so she
can practice her Bible play.
She's at church?!
Uh-huh.
Don't worry. I don't think
she's buying anything.
Hello.
Hello.
I saw Eddie and Dooley today,
but you were not with them.
Nope. I got in a fight
with Dooley.
He's a total ***.
Now I am sure
you do not mean that.
At times, we are,
all of us,
a partial ***,
but never a total one.
You won't believe
what he did to me.
I told him
about the power of prayer
and so Dooley suggests
that I start praying
for sex with Liz Sherman.
So I started doing it.
Next thing
I know,
Dooley starts praying that
he gets sex from Liz Sherman,
and I was like, "Whoa, whoa,
whoa, that's not cool."
And he's like,
"Yeah, but it was my idea."
I was like,
"Yeah, I know it's your idea,
but it's like your idea for me."
It's like the guy has no sense
of-of right and wrong.
Are you
making that face
because you agree that
Dooley is a bad friend?
Raja pointed out a lot of stuff
that seemed pretty obvious
once somebody said it out loud.
Like how I had abused something
a lot of people
considered sacred.
And how, with all that's
going on in the world,
it might not be right to ask
the creator of the universe
to help me have sex
with Liz Sherman.
There you are.
Mom?
Don't you "Mom" me,
young lady.
We are going home
right this minute.
So embarrassing.
One of the keys to
playing the *** Mary
is to not be jumping on every
shepherd that comes along.
We made out once.
I'm not going
to have sex with him.
Why else are you
sneaking off to church
in the middle
of the afternoon?
We were running lines.
How do you expect
me to trust you
if you keep
lying to my face?
Trust is earned,
Lady Godiva.
Hi, Mrs. Tolchuck.
Where are we doing
the speed-through?
In the auditorium.
We need to be done
before the 6:00 service.
See you inside.
We're having an ***.
Hello, Mrs. Tolchuck.
Hello, Raja.
You know, growing
up in Pakistan,
it never made sense to me how,
in your religion,
Jesus wound up being so fat.
Then I realized
this was Santa Claus.
I should have known
he was too jolly
to be a messiah.
Is everything all right?
No.
Do you want to talk about it?
No.
Mrs. Tolchuck,
please, maybe
I can help.
Well, Raja, this really
is a Christian thing,
and I don't think
you'd understand.
I may not be a Christian,
but religion
is an important part of my life.
You know,
you may not know this about me,
but I'm a very spiritual person
and it is very
difficult for me to live
with people who don't get that.
Do you know
what I'm talking about?
I will try to imagine.
When I was a kid,
I went to church every Sunday,
and I'd like to think
it made me a better person,
but now with my own kids
I just always thought
there'd be more time.
And now Claire
is growing up
and she's interested
in other things.
You and Mr. Tolchuck
have raised your children
with very good values.
With or without
religion,
they will make the right choices
when the time comes.
Oh, I just wish
I could know for sure.
I am sorry.
I do not think anyone ever
gets to know for sure.
My mother
didn't much like knowing
she could never know for sure,
but she did remember
where she used to go
when she felt this way.
There was no guarantee
that her kids would ever share
her interest
in going to church,
but she knew
what it meant to her,
and for the time being,
what my mother needed most
was faith.
Hey.
I've been doing some thinking.
Oh, really?
Yes, and
I've decided
that I'm not going
to be praying for sex
with Liz Sherman
anymore.
What?
And I also prayed
that you and I could
be friends again
and that Liz Sherman
would have sex with you.
Excuse me?
That is really
beautiful, man.
Well, yeah, I mean,
you're the one
who's had a crush on her
since sixth grade.
You hear that?
Now you have
your prayers and his.
Thanks, man.
I thought about what you said.
I suppose
it is a start, huh?
Hey, guys, check it out.
I had my friends back,
but I could never really know
if it was because of my prayers
or not.
I guess in the final analysis,
praying doesn't always give us
exactly what we ask for,
but at least sometimes
it gives us what we need most.
Ooh
On Christmas Eve, I think
my mother was actually able
to enjoy the Nativity play,
and I think
seeing Claire perform on stage
gave my mother
a moment of clarity,
almost like a revelation.
Is there no place I can go
where I can have this child?
Mom, it's just what I wanted!
Oh, honey, you realize
we're going to have
to have a discussion
about this
that lasts
about three years.
I figured.
Okay.
We all got a lot
of great stuff,
and for once a Tolchuck
Christmas had something to do
with ShopWorld and church.
My mom gave herself a present
and decided
that she was going to do things
that were meaningful to her.
Well, I'm off to church.
Oh, let me change.
I'll come with.
What?
I just like the singing.
And even though
she probably didn't mean to,
Claire gave my mom a present
that meant even more.