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"No, I won't eat my peas
"And I won't
skin my knees
"And I won't lose my keys.
"
Again!
Dad, you want to hear my
oral report on Sacagawea?
[Dr.
Stratford] In a minute, Kat.
Your sister's singing.
Fine, I'll go eat some candy.
Again.
Oh, I'm so cute.
Dakota Fanning,
eat your heart out.
There.
There's the moment
I knew you had a gift.
Ooh, look, home movies.
Let me guess--
It's talent show season?
Yes, and I'm on
pins and needles.
What are you
going to sing this year?
I don't know.
Pop music
is in a state of flux.
Am I a Taylor, a Miley,
a Leona?
How about a Lady Gag-Me?
It's Gaga.
Really?
I know I'm biased, but I don't know
how you're going to top last year.
Thanks, Daddy.
Yeah, I actually believed
you kissed a girl and liked it.
That's why your sister
got two standing ovations.
Yeah, but all I won
was a stupid trophy.
This year, the winner gets a walk-on
role on Make It or Break It.
How can you not love
California?
Make It or Break It?
What's that?
It's television's
number one drama,
set in the world
of competitive gymnastics.
I'll set my TiVo.
So Dad, I need some help
on something important.
Will you proofread this letter
to the editor of the paper?
That depends.
Do you promise to
agree to disagree about semicolons?
I promise.
But first, will you sign my
permission slip for the talent show?
With pleasure.
Really? You're dancing?
I never knew you could dance.
Yup.
Check this out.
[hums]
Hey!
Cool, huh?
It's called the kalinka.
And why exactly
are you doing that?
To make my bubonia proud.
That's what we call my grandmother.
She's Russian.
But don't worry,
she's a cool Russian,
not one of the scary ones.
That guy's a weirdo.
Of course he is.
He's dating my sister,
whose impressive karaoke skills
will probably score her
three seconds of face time on
TV's number one gymnastics drama,
making her even more
impossible to be around.
Someone's jealous.
Me, jealous of Bianca?
That's stupid.
You're stupid.
Hey, Kat,
can I borrow your pen?
Oh-ho, what do you think?
I'm practicing
for the talent show.
Thus, my practice cape.
Didn't even know he did magic.
Impressive.
Oh, it runs in my blood.
My gay uncle had a show off-Strip
in Vegas called Abracafabulous.
He's teaching me all his secrets
while he's sleeping on our couch.
Wait till you see
my guillotine trick.
You will lose your heads.
You get it?
'Cause of the guillotine.
Okay.
Bye, scary people.
Poor kid.
It's like middle school
all over again.
Ooh, what happened?
I love origin stories.
He was singing My Girl" on stage
at this stupid concert choir thing
when, uh-- Let's just
say he became aroused.
Oh, poor guy.
Is that why people call him--
Spoink.
Yup.
I came up with it.
Dad, check out the paper.
They printed your letter?
Not only did they print it,
they changed their policy
and are now publishing
same-sex wedding announcements.
Anyone we know?
Can you stand there
and hold up the paper?
Dad, don't tape this.
I'm just checking out the zoom on
this new camera.
It's amazing.
We'll practically
be on stage with Bianca.
So I have a little
announcement to make.
I have picked my song
for the talent show.
Pause for dramatic effect.
"Kids in America.
"
That's perfect.
You're a kid,
and who doesn't love
the word America?
This is so exciting.
What are you going to wear?
I was thinking of going for
a retro Pat Benatar-ish vibe--
Oh, you're mocking me.
Just for that, don't expect to be
thanked in my acceptance speech.
How are you so sure
you're going to win?
It's called the power
of positive thinking.
Plus, I always win.
Bianca, watch it.
It's just a newspaper.
I'll pick up
more copies at work.
Bianca, let's hear some scales.
[sings]
[Bianca and Dr.
Stratford]
Again!
[sings]
Cameron, please tell me your magic
act is going to be amazing.
Abracafabulous is no more.
Michael quit as my assistant.
It seems he doesn't trust
these steady hands
to work a trick guillotine.
But your uncle entrusted you with
the secrets of his gay magic.
It's not gay magic.
There's just a lot of rhinestones.
Help me convince Cameron
not to quit the talent show.
Don't quit.
Everybody loves a dark horse,
and you're as dark as they get.
You could win.
Well, I don't know
what to tell you.
I can't cut off my own head.
Fine, I'll be your assistant.
What's so funny?
Uh, I'm sorry.
It's no offense.
It's just-- You don't seem
like an assistant.
You seem more like a boss.
I'm just trying to help you out.
Sure you are.
He deserves to win.
I want people to stop
calling him Spoink.
They still call me that?
It wasn't my fault.
It was the unfortunate
convergence
of puberty and corduroy pants.
This is your chance
to live that down.
No pun intended.
Shut up.
Let's do a kick-***
magic show.
Okay.
Alakazam.
Let's start with the basics.
What do you know
about trap doors?
Talk to me.
Uh, nothing.
You still taking bets
on the talent show?
Uh, Chastity's the favorite,
but people are saying that new blond
chick might make this interesting.
I'll put 50 down
on Cameron James.
Spoink?
It's your funeral, Verona.
Honey, do you have to wear
that hat everywhere we go?
Yeah, 'cause I'm
rehearsing in my head.
I can't wait
to get on that stage.
This is going to be
my chance to show Chastity
I'm not just
her little sidekick.
In fact, after I win
the talent show,
maybe I'll get my own sidekick.
Cool.
Circle of life.
"Everybody live for the music"
Oh, my God.
Do you hear that?
Yeah.
Chastity sounds
like a robot,
but at least
she's on-key for once.
Because she's using an auto
tuner to sing my song.
Okay, boys,
keep working on that.
And butch it up.
This isn't Pippin.
Hey.
Impressive, right?
We still have to work out
the confetti cannons.
Chastity, that's my song.
Oh, really? Did you write it?
No, but I wrote it
on the sign-up sheet,
and I signed up before you did,
which means I called it first.
You can still sing it.
You're scheduled
to go on after me,
so it'll make a nice reprise.
Or if you need a new routine,
just slap on a babushka and toss
some plates on the floor with Joey.
Nice, Chastity.
That shows how much you know.
Russians don't throw
plates on the floor.
We wear tall black boots
and go hup, hup, hup, hup, hup.
Okay, now that's talent
right there.
Yeah.
He's not the one singing
through a computer, R2D-Tune.
Oh, I can sing, okay?
It's just the sound
of contemporary pop music.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've
got a showstopper to perfect.
"["Kids in America"]
And five, six, seven, eight.
"We're the kids of America
"Oh
"We're the kids of America"
Sometimes, I miss Ohio.
Surprised to see you here.
I would have thought
you'd have graduated by now.
I'm just here to support
your daughter.
Doesn't Bianca have her own
boyfriend to support her?
Not that I like that.
No, I'm here for Kat.
You didn't know?
She's in the show.
She would never.
She would.
In a sexy dress, no less.
Oh, does that thing have zoom?
I get it.
You're punking me again.
Kat Stratford.
See? I can read.
Why would Kat enter
a talent show?
Do they want to adopt
a whale or something?
My theory? She's jealous.
She's jealous? Of whom?
Oh, dear.
This is going to be good.
Welcome to the Padua High
talent show.
Before we begin, a reminder--
If your phone rings,
it will be confiscated,
and I need a new one,
so go ahead, make my day.
Next year, I'm writing
my own material.
Please welcome Allen
Griswold on the accordion.
You're up next.
Where's your sidekick?
Don't leave until I get a photo
of you in that get-up.
I can't do this.
Let's go home.
I'll make
slice and bake cookies.
No, we're not going anywhere.
You're the one
who wanted to do this.
I wanted to impress people
with Abracafabulous,
but every time I think
of the word wand"
Cameron, our show is great.
This is your moment.
If you get nervous,
just picture
the entire audience in their
Winter ski gear.
Crack, you stupid whip.
How does Britney Spears
do this while singing?
Just do your best.
I can't believe my bubonia is
going to see you in that outfit.
Oh, hey, Cameron.
You look abracafabulous.
Thanks, Bianca.
You look
Like you're ready
to hit the slopes.
Kat, what are you doing here,
and why are you dressed
like Miss Scarlet from Clue?
I'm in the show with Cameron.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have
to go double-check the guillotine.
Break a leg.
[whip cracks] Ouch!
All rightie.
Thank you for getting--
Thank you for getting the show
off to such a rousing start.
And now, for our second act
of the evening,
Cameron James, master of magic.
Ladies and gentlemen--
[Boy] Spoink!
[audience laughs]
Prepare to be amazed.
Straight from
the back streets of Vegas,
I bring you Abracafabulous.
But no great magician
would be complete
without his beautiful
assistant.
Please welcome Katerina.
[audience claps, whistles]
Katerina, you may come out
of the magic box.
Katerina
Get out of the magic box.
Ruh-roh.
Please tell me this is
part of the act.
Perhaps she will
easily come out
with the use of my magic cane.
This is not good.
Chastity, there's a problem
with your auto-tuner.
What kind of problem?
It's broken.
Broken? It can't be broken.
Let me take a look at it.
You probably just can't
figure out how to turn it on.
If there's anything I know,
it's how to turn things on.
I hate working
with you amateurs.
Excuse me, tech guy,
is it too late to go back
to my old song?
Katerina, please lower thyself
into this mysterious chest.
The show must go on.
This chest always has been
a problem for me.
It seems to have
quite the appetite.
Thank you.
Not to worry.
My lady Katerina is only
trapped between realms.
Katerina?
Quit messing around.
Mom, don't worry about it.
I can still sing the song.
No, you can't.
That's why I spent $700
on an auto-tuner.
But you said it was the sound
of contemporary pop music.
Oh, honey, I didn't mean it.
I was being a good mother.
What are we going to do?
My friends are out there.
I told them you were
going to win.
I might still win.
Sweetie, mothers don't let
daughters embarrass themselves.
Just fake some sort of illness
and meet me at the car.
Listen, Chastity,
as long as you're insisting
on stealing my song,
maybe we should just
sing it together.
Otherwise, we'll just cancel each other
out, and neither of us will win.
You mean like a duet?
Why not?
It's not called
"Kid in America.
"
"[music starts]
"Looking out a dirty old window
"Down below, the cars
in the city go
"Rushing by
"I sit here alone
and I wonder why
"Friday night,
and everyone's moving
"I can feel the heat but
it's soothing heading down
"I search for the beat
in this dirty town
"Downtown the young ones
are going
"Downtown the young ones
are growing
"We're the kids in America
"Whoa, oh, oh
"We're the kids in America
"Everybody live
for the music around
"Outside, a new day is dawning"
That's my daughter.
The blonde one.
"Outside suburbia's
crawling everywhere
"I don't want to go, baby
"New York to east California
"There's a new wave coming
I warn you
"We're the kids in America
"Whoa, oh, oh
"We're the kids in America
"Everybody live
for the music around
"We're the kids in America
"We're the kids in America
"Whoa, oh, oh
"Everybody live
for the music around"
Oh, my God, you were awesome.
I know.
My mom can eat it.
You totally inspired me
to greatness, bestie.
If we win that walk-on role, I'm
going to let you walk on first.
Excuse you.
I'm not going back out there.
Oh yes, you are.
I've got 50 bucks riding
on you that I don't have.
You shouldn't have bet on me.
Don't you know it's illegal?
Do it for yourself, Spoink.
Hey!
Look, all those kids out there
already think you're a loser.
You want to prove them right?
Did you just
give me a pep talk?
Hello again, folks.
I just came out to get my pen.
"I've got sunshine
"On a cloudy day
"When it's cold outside
"I've got the month of May
"Well, I guess you'll say
"What can make me
feel this way?
"My girl
"[plays melody]
"Talking 'bout my girl
"My girl
"I've got so much honey
"The bees envy me
"I got a sweeter song, baby.
"
"Than the birds in the trees"
I'm glad I found you here.
I was worried you
were trapped in an alternate dimension.
Here.
This will help with the nausea,
but it won't help
with the shame.
How do you get up
on stage like that?
You make it look so easy.
I don't practice
just to annoy you.
I work my *** off.
Plus, it helps,
being pretty and talented.
Well, I suck.
I was worse
than the one-man band.
Yeah, you were.
Luckily, you're good
at other things,
like getting A"s and recycling,
and making people feel so bad
that they do something good.
Yeah, but when I do those
things, people don't applaud,
and Dad has never worn a stupid
t-shirt with my name on it.
Oh, my God.
You just admitted
you're jealous of me.
Can I capture
this moment on my phone?
I want
Youtube-uploadable proof.
Well, if it makes you
feel any better,
I sometimes wish
I had your hair.
Again.
[Cameron] "Well
"I guess you'll say
"What can make me
feel this way?
"My girl
"Talking 'bout my girl
"My girl
All right, we get it.
Everyone loves an underdog.
Now, as the judges
make their final decisions,
will all the contestants
join me on stage?
Everyone.
And the winner of the Padua
High talent show is
Wow.
She's good.
I know.
I hate her already.
Towel?