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Previously on Californication
Man, what are the odds I end
up next to the most beautiful
woman in the Tri-state area?
He wants Hank to come to him.
Who the *** is he?
Samurai Apocalypse.
I wanna do my own thing.
My own moment.
Santa Monica Cop-- that's my
Eddie Murphy moment right now.
I don't know.
It's not really my thing.
Get your sexy *** over here, mama.
I'm Charlie Runkle.
We spoke on the phone.
No, I'm just the nanny,
but come on in.
Are--are you okay?
I just got fired.
Are you looking for a new gig?
Hank Moody, better not be
hittin' on my girl.
You should be at Starbucks
writing me some funny ***.
I don't think I can do it.
How's Becca?
Boyfriend.
I want to kill him, Hank.
Tyler.
This--this is not what
it looks like.
This is my sister.
What the *** was that all about?
Some guy my daughter's seeing.
I think he's gonna break her heart.
Maybe you should break his legs first.
Tyler was leaving some club
in Hollywood
and he got jumped
by a bunch of gangbangers.
I was sitting in the ♪
Hollywood Hawaiian hotel ♪
I was staring in my empty
coffee cup ♪
Fade the *** out.
The end, ***.
Charlie!
Way ahead of you, buddy.
Print, ***.
Wait!
Don't you want to spellcheck?
Nah, something tells me
the Samurai isn't much of
a typo Nazi,
and I gotta get out of here.
I gotta get my brown eye
on the red-eye.
I gotta a plane to catch.
- Please stay.
- Mm-mm.
I came, I saw, I turned
some words into cash.
The coffers are full.
Besides, I don't want to
get myself killed
by a trigger-happy rapper.
It's just not the same
without you, buddy.
Just go down to the bar
and grab yourself one of your
messy bessies, and you'll feel
better in the morning.
That's the thing, Hank.
It don't work anymore.
I'm lonely.
I long for companionship.
Is this it?
Is this the moment
I've been waiting for?
Are you finally coming out
to me, Charlie?
Female companionship.
Fee-hee-male.
- Grab yourself a lady friend.
- It's not that easy.
I'm old and bald and lacking
in social skills.
Yeah, but you do make a decent living.
And you have this groovy pad.
And that's really good
for the hedonist.
It impresses the *** out of
the strippers and the barmaids.
But what if I want something more?
Sometimes it's better
not to touch your dreams.
Take it from someone who knows.
That is profound--ly
depressing.
Speaking of which, I gotta go
say good-bye to Becca.
Then I gotta drop this puppy off
at MTV Cribs.
What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
I guess I'll probably ***
to something dirty
on the Internet while I wait
for Stuart to show up
and spend the night.
Solid plan.
What's on the menu these days?
I'm glad you asked.
I'm extremely partial these days
to live sex-cams.
Yeah, for just a couple of bucks
a minute,
they'll do anything you want.
I got this girl to drink her own
pee the other day.
What is wrong with you?
What?
This is why you can't find a girl.
You're too busy making them do
disgusting things
on the Internet.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
- I am.
- Good.
Now hug me.
I gotta go.
- Charlie?
- Yes.
Is that a *** in your pocket
or are you just happy to see me go?
I think I must have been
reliving that pee thing.
Now it's just a shame ***.
Oh, ow!
- ***, ***!
- Hey
What'd that poor house ever do to you?
Nothing!
It's what that pansy-***
little *** fart
is doing in my house.
I gotta walk this *** off
before I end up back in prison.
***!
***!
Hey.
Hey.
What's with the hubby out there?
Oh
Tyler got into his 40-year-old
bottle of Chivas.
What the huh?
I thought Batesy was on the wagon.
Yeah, he is.
But you know, he keeps it around
as a symbol of his sobriety.
Oh, right on.
So how's patient zero?
- Demanding.
- Yeah?
- Mm.
- Mm-hmm?
I'm waiting.
My props?
I told you the kid was an ***.
Well, yeah, but you think
everyone's an ***.
Yes.
Yes, I do.
But that doesn't make me
any less right
about this particular ***.
I gotta go to the drugstore.
Tyler needs more Vicodin.
Hi, Becca.
Remember me?
Oh, hey, dad.
Hey, I'm leaving
on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again.
Maybe a hug?
Safe travels, dad.
All right, I love you.
See you soon.
Yeah
Hey, a quick one while they're away?
Come on.
For old time's sake.
You're hitting on a married woman.
- I know.
- Yeah.
What's your point?
You really want me to sic
my husband on you
in the state he's in?
You're right.
That kind of thing
could lead a man to drink.
Yes.
And then his glorious mangina
might make an appearance.
Wouldn't want to see that
happen, would we?
Actually, I would.
I'm dying to see that thing again.
- Come on, let's do it.
- Stop it.
Come on.
Karen, is dinner ready yet?
Yeah.
I'm gonna take this
No, allow me.
Well, put it on the--
Hey, *** that.
Thank, God.
I was about to eat my foot.
Oh
Hey, Hank.
Wow, you've really moved in,
haven't you?
I hope you're not expecting to get
your security deposit back, are you?
Hey, listen, they insisted, okay?
- Mmm! It's good.
- Ha-ha.
Aww!
My folks are out of town, all right?
That's what your folks told you.
They actually hate your guts
and rue the day that your father
ever failed to pull out in time.
Ha-ha.
Why don't you go easy on me, man?
I got my *** beat about a week ago.
I know.
I know that.
And I was almost sad
when I heard the news.
And then I was vaguely
disappointed when I heard
you weren't gonna die
or anything like that.
But knowing you were in great
pain did make me smile.
It's the little things, you know?
Mm.
But if you break my daughter's
heart
Being stomped on by
a bunch of gangbangers
is gonna seem like a playdate
compared to the can of ***-***
I will open up on your
***.
Mm
Well, I have no intention
of breaking her heart.
- Good.
- She's a cool chick.
And if you respect her coolness,
you will tell her that
you are a lying, cheating,
skullduggerous little manwhore.
You hear me?
I hear you.
Are we cool?
No, never.
- Can I bum a smoke?
- Sure.
Got a light?
Ah! See, it's this damn
finger of mine.
- Oh, yeah. I bet it's
- Oh!
- It's hard to
- God!
Oh, yeah.
This is how it was done
Back in the day.
When the bushes were big
And the *** was real.
***! ***!
***, ***, ***!
***, ***, ***!
***.
Hello!
Not too much *** tube, okay?
Okay, okay, okay.
Relax, relax.
We only watch what's educational.
Uh-huh.
Little baby Einstein, perhaps.
Who knows.
Maybe he'll even say something.
- Whoa!
- Jesus Christ, Charlie!
Oh, my God.
I can't trust you alone
with this kid for one second.
Yeah, well, feel free
to take him with you
out on date night, then.
Oh, let's not be rash, Marcy.
You know, my assistant had
to work some serious magic
- for these rezzies.
- Believe me.
I need a break from all things mommy.
Right, right.
So that whole hiring someone
to watch your kid
while you go out all day shopping
and having your toes done thing
not working for ya?
Die young and suffer, dickless.
Really kicking it back
old-school with the *** there,
- hey, Runkle?
- Well, if you must know,
I'm trying to ween myself off
the hardcore stuff.
Yeah, I'm trying to rediscover
the simple pleasures of
a *** teenager.
When girls were magical
creatures who didn't go ATM.
- Ugh.
- What?
*** to mouth.
That's disgusting.
Yet intriguing.
Don't get any ideas, okay?
You're way too big
for mommy's cornhole.
Yeah, that's what daddy likes to hear.
You're welcome.
Hey, hey, what's the matter, buddy?
Hey, what's the matter, huh?
- Where's Mr. Blanky?
- What?
Where is Mr. Blanky?
You--
- Did you--
- You brought--
You put it in the backpack.
Okay.
You know, the traffic
is really terrible
right now on PCH.
- I think maybe we should jet.
- Yeah.
Sorry, Charlie.
- Okay, buddy, you're okay.
- You wanted weekday overnights.
- You're a big boy, right?
- Mommy loves you!
Oh, no.
Ohhhhh!
Oh, you're a big boy.
You're a big boy, okay.
Okay, okay.
Let's get it poppin' ♪
coppin'
I'm blazed and rockin' ♪
loud and crazed
got the crowd amazed ♪
I'm shockin' knock 'em for a loop ♪
drop my loot on some ***
and get retarded man ♪
***.
I'm excited to read this ***, yo.
I'm excited that you're excited, yo.
You're a funny
***, Moody.
You know that, right?
Right back at you, Sam.
May I call you Sam?
Call me Calvin.
My moms call me Calvin.
I'd be honored.
- You should.
- I am.
All right, ***.
- I'm gonna read this ***.
- You do that.
No, I mean right now, yo.
Wait right here.
No, I can't.
No, no, no, I gotta run.
I gotta go.
What if I gotta make changes
or some *** like that?
You can email 'em to me.
That way I can ignore it more easily.
- Come on.
- You ready?
Damn.
Damn, mama, I gotta read this script.
But you said we were
going out tonight.
I know, I know.
I'll make it up to you, all right?
I'll make it up to you.
Whatever.
Oh, man.
Yo, is it me, man?
Or is she just hot
beyond logic and reason?
She be fine as wine.
- Hey, I told you about--
- Sorry, I'm sorry.
Why don't you just
take her out, you know?
You can read the script later.
Later, *** no, man.
That's my ***' career, man.
I take this *** serious, man.
I'm gonna sit in my favorite
chair and read every page.
Even the parts I'm not in.
Put a pen to this ***,
correct all the typos.
I hate typos.
That *** is lazy.
Yeah.
I hate typos too.
***
I do like when a girl come home
from a club, though.
After dancing and drinking,
they be hot as a ***, ready to go.
- What time's your flight?
- Uh, 11:40.
Well, that's plenty time
to take Kali out for me, man.
- No, it's not plenty of time.
- Get her hot for a ***.
- Not plenty at all.
- Come on, man.
Do me a solid.
Take one of my whips.
That's tempting, would that I
could, but I can't.
- My hands are tied.
- What you gonna do,
go to a *** airport,
or spend time with a beautiful woman?
I've spent many a time
with many a beautiful woman.
- So what's the problem?
- I can't do it.
- I can't, I can't.
- That's *** up, man.
- I gotta run.
- Look, look
I did you a solid with ***
little Romeo, right?
Ah, no.
Put his ***' ***
in the hospital for you.
I did not ask you for that.
Yeah, but you needed that.
I felt what you needed.
That's what brothers do
for each other.
They feel each other.
Feel me.
All right, a quick bite, but
that's it.
Hey, that's all I'm ***
asking for.
***, what?
***
All right, okay.
But yo.
Keep your ***' paws off
her, Moody.
And your ***' ***.
- All right.
- I'm serious, man.
- I heard that.
- I'm serious, man.
- No, I heard that.
- You be playing too much, yo.
- You got it?
- Communication delivered.
All right, come on.
I got this ***' caddy
with the hydraulics.
This ***'s gonna be like,
"***-***!"
***-***.
I'm so sorry.
You must be going nuts.
Charlie, I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
Hmm.
I'm sorry, can I get you
something to drink?
No, I should probably go.
No!
No, please, please, please, don't go.
Please
Okay.
Boom boom boom boom boom ♪
I want you I want you ♪
I need you I need you ♪
gotta have you ♪
gotta have you ♪
have you
have you ♪
I want you ♪
I want you ♪
I need you
I need you ♪
Yeah, this not exactly
what I had in mind.
I'm sure, but whatever you had
in mind is something I probably
couldn't stand for longer
than five minutes, so
This will have to do.
You like torturing me, don't you?
I do.
Very much so.
- Hey, don't do that.
- Do what?
Don't look like that
and talk like that.
It makes my *** feel weird.
Well, we wouldn't want that,
now, would we?
- What was that?
- Self preservation.
I was warned not
to put my hands on you.
Well what if I want your hands on me?
You're *** out of luck.
They're gone.
Arms too.
Blown off in the war.
I'm nothing but a torso now.
Oh yeah, laugh.
Laugh at the torso guy.
You're a mean and vicious woman.
You know he doesn't own me.
Yeah?
Well, be that as it may,
he does seem like the jealous type.
That is one way to put it.
He almost chopped off one
of his bodyguard's fingers
for looking at me in an impure manner.
Like there's any other way
to look at you.
Okay.
So that's when I tell you
don't talk to me like that.
'Cause I might have to put hands
on you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
So he's crazy
And you're crazy beautiful.
What's in it for you?
Well, he discovered me,
and he signed me to his label,
and he's producing my album.
And that's it?
No.
You know, it's not like we're
exclusive to each other.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
I honestly can't even count
how many babymamas he's got.
Oh, that sounds complicated.
I like to keep it simple.
I only have the one babymama.
Yeah.
You told me about that.
Mm-hmm.
- Dance with me.
- No.
- No, no, no.
- Come on.
No.
Hankie don't dance.
Hold my purse.
You've got a really beautiful
place here, Charlie.
Well, thank you, thank you.
I'm jealous.
You seem like you have it all
figured it out.
Are you kidding?
I don't know anything about anything.
What are you talking about?
You've got this great kid,
a successful career,
a working automobile.
True, true and true.
I also have a failed marriage,
a number of truly humiliating
career turns,
and I haven't got an ounce
of love in my life.
Hmm, join the club.
Come on.
A beautiful girl like you?
I bet you have your pick
of the litter.
Of creeps, yes.
Any creep I want is mine
for the taking.
It's hard to find a nice
guy in L.A.,
and I'm not beautiful.
- Really?
- Hmm.
You're insane.
And you're sweet.
But I don't really fit the mold.
Don't even know if I really
belong here.
I mean, I want to write
children's books,
- not screenplays.
- Wait a second.
Didn't you tell me you were
working your way
through cooking school?
Yeah, that's the other thing.
I can't make up my mind.
I want to be someone new every
other week.
You like that?
Tell me you like it.
Tell me you want Charlie's dirty
fingers inside your pudding.
No, Charlie.
I won't tell you that,
and I don't like it.
What?
You kind of just finger
blasted me out of nowhere.
I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
Look, I don't know who you've
been talking to,
or what kind of ***
you've been watching,
but girls in the real world,
we don't go from kissing
to finger banging
in a matter of seconds.
You're right, you're right.
You're absolutely right.
I've been watching so much ***
on the Internet lately.
And I've been seeking so much
*** gratification,
that it's like I don't even know
how to relate
to real women anymore.
Clearly.
Yeah, it's as if going ATM
has become de rigueur.
UmWhat--
*** to mouth.
- Oh, that's not good.
- I know.
No, I mean you could get an infection.
I know.
Been there.
Oh, what do we have here?
Hey, who's this clown?
Just some old guy from earlier
who keeps hitting on me.
Said he'd give me $30 for a hand job.
Oh, are we playing that game
now, are we?
Yo, pal
Why don't you just
take a walk somewhere?
Why don't you just kiss my
*** cutter, little lumberjack?
Okay.
So what's up?
- Oh, no.
- You wanna get hit?
You wanna dry thumb up the ***?
You had to think about it, right?
You wanna just get out of here?
No, no, no.
Come
- Gladly.
- No, no, no.
- You don't want to do that.
- Why not?
'Cause I'm in charge of
getting you home safely.
No, I'm in charge of getting
me home safely.
Now you're just splitting hairs.
Little hairs.
*** hairs.
Well that's impossible.
'Cause I don't have any *** hairs.
Oh, come on.
Why would you want to do that?
What's wrong with a little hair
down there?
You kids today with your
self-loathing *** abuse.
What about you, Buster?
- Keep a clean playground?
- What the ***?
It's a simple question, brosephine.
Broseph--yeah, yeah,
of course, everyone does.
- Ah
- ***.
Say what?
What?
You really think you're having
better sex than your parents?
You think that your father loved
your mother's beautiful ***
any less because she had more
hair down there?
Don't be talking about my mom's ***.
What?
I said it was beautiful, man.
What are you doing?
Whoo! Oh, sorry.
Now this is more like it.
I still can't believe you gave
that guy a ***-twister.
Mm
The ***-twister is frowned
upon in some circles,
but it's actually a remarkably
effective street-fighting tool.
And it can diffuse a potentially
incendiary situation.
And it provokes laughter.
You see that?
What'd I tell you?
Oh, gosh.
I'm having fun.
Well, of course you are.
I know how to show a girl a good time.
A few drinks, some dancing,
a little ***-twisting,
toss a few burgers down our throat.
Get her home before this
lowrider turns back
into a pumpkin.
***-***.
- This is amazing.
- That?
- Bargain basement promise land?
- Um.
Say what you want, but this is
where dreams come true.
Or come to die.
Where you from?
Born and bred in the Bronx.
- The Bronx.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, that's an amazing place
- Yeah.
- To be from.
Well how many of us make it
from there to here?
Doesn't matter.
You did.
- We'll see how long I last.
- I heard your music.
I don't think you have anything
to worry about.
So
You leave tonight.
Yes sirree ma'am.
- Let me ask you a question.
- Mm-hmm.
If you're leaving tonight,
like, this very night
Yeah.
What's the harm
in a good-bye kiss?
Well, when you put it that
way, it's hard to see the harm.
I know, right?
- Maybe just one.
- Oh, yes. Of course.
What the *** you got to say
for yourself now, ***?
- Uh
- Come on!
Santa Monica Cop cannot
be my last credit.
Oh, my God.
I'm just ***' with you, Moody.
Funny how at peace I was with it.
Yeah, well you seemed like you
were really relaxed.
What's up, mama?
Man, the *** script
was off the charts, homie.
You like it?
Like it?
***, I love it, man.
Made me one bad-***
***.
I'll be able to walk on that set
with confidence, dude.
My *** just swinging everywhere, man.
Thank you, Moody.
You're welcome, Calvin.
He show you a good time, mama?
Yeah, it was all right.
Kind of limited, boring white guy.
Guilty as charged.
Y'all two ***
knocked boots, man?
What the ***?
Babe, I mean honestly, come on.
I mean, this guy?
Are you serious?
Well, way to knock a guy
when he's got a gun to his throat.
I'm just *** with you, bro.
I can't stop *** with you, man.
- Ha ha ha.
- I'm in character.
Understood.
You got a flight to catch, right?
Mos def.
Sorry.
I do have a flight to catch.
Safe travels.
See you around, Hank.
Yeah, good luck with that
whole becoming a star thing.
Ah, thank you, and good luck
with that whole
keeping it simple thing.
Ah, speaking of which, look.
It's from the babymama.
Ah, ***, I got a lot
of those ***.
Yeah, how many?
***, I'm not sure.
I got it written down somewhere.
- Yes.
- Hello.
Hey.
Where is she?
She's in her room.
She won't come out.
I mean, I haven't seen her
this upset sinceever.
- You're burying the lead.
- Which is saying something.
This is good news.
They broke up. He's gone.
Yeah, but I'm not going
to break out the champagne
when she's this upset.
He was cheating on her, Hank.
You're kidding.
I'll alert the media.
- Nice.
- Why would he tell her that?
I don't know.
These things, they--
they hurt, you know?
I know.
Can I come in or are
visiting hours over?
- Shut up.
- There's my girl.
You can come in,
but you better not gloat.
Gloat?
Me?
Never.
- Please, you hated him.
- Yes, I did.
But I hate everybody.
And you've got a tough road
ahead of you.
Nobody's gonna be good enough
for my little girl.
Guess I finally understand why mom
put up with your *** for so long.
What do you mean?
He's an *** and I hate his
stinking guts right now.
But it doesn't mean
that I don't love him.
Yeah.
I get that.
And he was a great lover.
That's gross, honey.
Sorry.
Thought I was talking to a
friend for a minute there.
Yeah, no, you are,
and that's a great compliment.
But it doesn't make it any less grody.
Have to hand it to the guy, though.
He was honest.
Okay, that's good, right?
In a totally soul-crushing,
heart-breaking
kind of way, sure.
He fessed up to being
a lying, cheating,
skullduggerous little manwhore.
Come on, let's go.
We'll go to the canals.
We'll walk on the canals.
Remember we used to do the ***
out of that when you were a kid.
It's like penicillin for the lovelorn.
Come on.
Come on, let's go.
Don't you have a plane to catch?
I can always get one tomorrow.
Or the next day, or the next day.
There's no place I'd rather be.
The other end I'll be
waiting there for you ♪
you are not alone ♪
I'm sorry, sweetie.
You are not alone ♪