Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
1
Previously
on Californication
Quite the literary scandal
we have here.
What if she came clean?
You get your book back.
Think about Karen.
Think about Becca.
This is gonna hurt them.
Is that what you want?
It's not like I'm going
to press charges or anything.
You okay, baby?
The D.A.'s office is willing
to drop the assault charges.
- The bad news?
- You're being charged
with statutory ***.
***, the rabbit done died.
Why does Hashem hate me?
- Okay, so whose is it?
- I don't know.
- Charlie's?
- *** no!
That kid's all snipped
to shreds It can't be him.
We could actually use
a lead guitarist.
What do you guys
call yourselves?
Queens of Dogtown.
This is a great case for me.
But if you insist on
dicking around
and wasting my time, I'm happy
to see you rot in jail.
What the *** do I care?
Probably not the best time
for me
to be getting involved
with the actress
who's gonna play the girl
who I ***, allegedly.
That doesn't mean
I don't want one or more
of your fingers
in my *** right now.
Why do you gotta talk
to me like that?
[Knocking on door]
Mornin', sassafras!
- If you say so.
- Don't be such a naysayer.
You'll get frown lines.
And then you'll have
to botox that ***.
- Hank, what do you want?
- Oh, that.
I'd like to come in and grab
my one and only suit.
I've got some legal doings
this A.M.
Too late. Threw it out.
***. You would never
throw away a man's suit.
You'd donate it, maybe,
but that's ridiculous.
Who's needier than I am
right now?
I hate you. Ihate you.
What do you think?
How do I look?
Like a statutory ***
in a suit.
Man, you are on fire
this morning!
The wit is strong in you,
young Skywalker.
And dark too. I dig it.
Speaking of dark,
how's Lenny Kravitz?
- Excuse me?
- You know, Ben Harper.
That van-sized,
caramel-colored man
you've been
hanging around with.
Um, none of your business.
I mean, should I be worried?
He does seem dangerously cool.
Kind of like a young
Lando Calrissian, with a dream.
You have nothing
to worry about, Hank.
Because worrying would be
a waste of your time.
The mailman has a better shot
than you do right now.
Have you seen our mailman?
He's quite toothsome.
Especially in his summer shorts.
What are Come on.
You tricked me.
- You did it on purpose.
- Old habits die hard.
- You smell nice.
- You're a jerk.
Like lady shampoo
And cinnamon toothpaste.
A little bit of coffee breath.
A touch of the hal.
No worries, I'd still do ya.
Hey, sweetie.
Well, what do you think
of your old man?
- You know what they say.
- Mm.
You can't polish a ***.
[Upbeat music]
Did he have any idea
how old you were?
No.
He probably thought
I was in my 20s.
- Did he ever ask?
- No.
- Did you ever tell him?
- No.
Is it true that you
punched him in the face
during intercourse?
Yes. Twice, actually.
Why?
I, uh
Wanted him to remember me.
You know what this means,
right?
Yes. It's obvious.
I'm very good in bed?
That, and the prosecution
has a lame case.
And they know it too.
Expect a deal imminently.
Ooh, I like it
when you say "imminently."
It gets me a little hard.
Good to know.
Okay, well,
we've got to celebrate.
Slow down. It's a little early
for candles and cake.
Well, I'll be having dinner,
you can do whatever you want.
As long as it involves alcohol
and bad decisions.
Sorry, I have a dinner tonight.
What's his name?
Vanessa.
- Vanessa?
- Mm-hmm.
Sounds effeminate to me.
She is.
She's also my best friend.
Oh. Will you two be
brushing each other's hair
at any point
during the evening?
Or perhaps gently massaging
each other's shoulders?
I see why you sleep
with teenagers You are one.
It's true,
I am kind of retarded.
But I'm also kind of amazing.
Okay, don't forget you have
a 12:00 with Randy and Gary.
And then Lou needs to see you
in his office.
- All right.
- And Jake called.
And he needs
to cancel dinner tonight.
But he sends his love.
J'accuse!
Thank you, Patti.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you, Patti.
Very enlightening.
Now you have to have dinner
with me.
Why, because
I adjusted the truth?
I don't owe you any sort
of honesty
about my personal life.
Fair enough. But you told me
you were having dinner
with a woman,
which lead me to believe
that you didn't want me to know
you were having dinner
with a Jake.
Who is probably very handsome,
very fit,
and very ***' boring.
Four minutes of mish,
followed by a little oral
to top you off am I right?
Done in time for Leno.
No, you strike me as
a Letterman gal is that right?
And why would I mislead you
like that?
Well, that's obvious.
Come on, you're sweet on me.
Does this *** really work
for you, Hank?
Not at all, not really.
I'm just playing.
Don't be hating. I'm in
a good mood because of you.
I'm just trying to show
my mucho appreciato
in my own special way.
Yes, you are special,
all right.
Well, there is something
we could discuss over dinner.
Yes, milady? Anything.
The issue of your bill.
I think I need
some money, Charlie.
You want me to get you
a quickie
dialogue polish or something?
You know, I was thinking
about one of those, uh,
Twilight films.
They seem very popular,
and desperately in need
of word polishing.
I will make some calls,
see what I can do.
You better. You know why?
'Cause this gangsta needs
to get paid!
Okay, now I need
to ask you a favor.
Okay, Charlie,
what can I do for you?
[Clears throat]
Where's your ***?
And there's my answer.
Oh, I see it.
It's right under your ***.
Oh, those are your balls.
***. Wow.
I wanted to know if I should do
a little man-scaping
before my date tonight.
Well, normally I'd be
against such a thing.
A man is at his best
when he's at his hairiest.
At least, that's what my mom
always used to say.
But in your case,
I'd say shave that ***.
Send it off to the poor kids
in China or something.
Jesus, I can't look away.
It's like a forest has grown up
all around one magic mushroom.
It's like a button
on a fur coat.
Well, look on
the bright side, Charlie.
It may be short, but it's thin.
So you think I should,
what, take it all off?
Yeah.
It'll make you look big. Er.
Like Johnny ***. Ish.
- You think she'll like it?
- Hell yeah.
Who doesn't want
to nude-up with flipper?
All right. Cool.
Should I tell Hank?
About your newfound affinity
for milk chocolate?
Are you crazy?
About his daughter's
first gig at the whiskey,
you dumb ***.
Oh, that. Right.
Yes, you should tell him.
He'd want to be there.
I don't know
if it's such a good idea
'cause he's gonna get
so, like, unh, and
No, you have
What are you talking about?
Good evening, ladies!
Hey, Charlie.
Big date.
Coming through. Make way!
Big date. Big date.
Ooh, who's the lucky gal?
Oh, wouldn't you
just like to know?
I don't really
give a ***, Charlie.
- I'm just making conversation.
- Who is she, Charlie?
I could pretend
to be interested.
Oh, well
Since you've asked
I was heading
into a Starbucks bathroom
when she was coming out.
We bonked heads.
- Wow.
- Laughed about it.
Traded numbers.
She is really very pretty.
Which is good because
she left some serious stank
in that bathroom, Karen.
I almost fainted.
Wow, talk about a cute meet.
Speaking of which, can you tell
that *** producer friend
of yours to stop calling me?
Biggs? Biggsie?
- Beggs? Stu Beggs?
- Yeah.
Whatever the ***.
He keeps calling and texting.
He thinks we're soul mates
or some ***.
You're not into him?
*** no! Should I be?
Well, he is pretty rich.
Really?
How rich we talkin' here?
I don't know. Rich.
Rich in *** too.
He's supposed to have
some legendary schvantz.
Must be nice.
Okay.
[Rock music]
I sell jewelry
but it's for men.
- It's called mewlery.
- Awesome.
- Yeah, it's pretty cool.
- Wild.
- There's no profit.
- Nice.
*** bag says what?
- What?
- Got ya.
[Laughing]
Away with you. Begone!
Come here.
You should probably just go.
It's only gonna get worse.
[Lighthearted growls]
[Barks]
- Hanky!
- Hey.
Oh, it's just like old times,
you rescuing me
from the clutches
of evil hipster *** bags.
Makes me wisty
for the good old days.
Are you okay?
You seem vaguely high.
There's nothing vague
about it That's the good news.
So what are you doing here?
I live here.
What's your excuse?
I'm having drinks
with Sasha Bingham.
She's gonna pick my brain.
Mm. Sure there's enough
to go around?
Ha ha! Clever. You know her?
- Sasha.
- Sasha? UhWell, we've met.
Well, as much as anyone
can know these actor peoples.
You *** her didn't you?
[Scoffs] No. Come on.
She's an embryo. A zygote.
She's a tadpole.
So what was it like
*** the girl
who's supposed to play me, hmm?
Who, by the way,
you already fu-uucked ♪
Shut up with that already.
What are you on?
Some weed, some wine.
A little Vicodin.
I feel like I'm under
a wet, warm blanket.
That does not sound
very appealing.
You should stay
and have a drink with us.
You should.
Long time no see, Hank Moody.
Hi, Sasha Bingham. How are you?
- Oh, ***.
- [Laughs]
Missed you.
A-ha, I knew it!
Have you met my attorney?
Hi.
[Humming, scatting]
♪
Hmm.
Eeesh.
Here we go.
Not so bad.
[Knock on door] Aah! Shh
I need to get
in there, Charlie!
[Sighs]
Aah!
Wait! Wait! Don't go! Don't go!
What the ***, Charlie?
This is why I don't like
to come here.
I don't blame you.
It's disgusting.
I hurt myself!
What, you get shampoo
in your pee hole again?
No. I cut myself
Man-scaping.
Of course you did.
- We gotta go.
- Wait, you gotta look!
I don't gotta do anything,
especially when it's disgusting.
Karen, please. Please!
It would pretty much have to be
a life or death
situation, Charlie.
You'd never recover, trust me.
Ladies, please!
I need to know if this is
an emergency room situation.
He's bleeding on the floor.
Aah!
Jesus *** Christ, Charlie,
we're in escrow,
and you're bleeding
all over my *** floor?
Your *** floor?
This is my *** floor too,
and I'll bleed on it
if I want to!
Holy Jesus, woman,
I'm in dire straits here!
- I'm I'm gonna go.
- Okay. Yes.
Because then I'll have
to catch up with you.
All right, let's take a look
at what we're
dealing with here.
Okay?
Holy Christ, Charlie,
you took it all off! Why?
I thought it would
make me look big.
Er.
Like Johnny ***.
Yeah, well, it kind of
makes you look like
Johnny-all-potatoes
and no meat.
- [Whimpering]
- Come on.
Let's go put on
some *** clothes.
I'll drop you off
at the E.R., ya dumb ***.
You should probably stay
far away
from the Mias and the Sashas
of the world right now.
I just ran into them.
They ran into me.
It was not planned.
It was kismet.
You just run into
a lot of things, don't you?
Yes, I do. That much is true.
But enough about me.
I'd like to learn about you,
counselor.
Okay, you'll get a kick
out of this.
I wrote a novel once.
That's a shame.
What was it about?
What's every ***
first novel about?
- Nothing and everything.
- Ah.
Mine concerned itself
with the exploits
of a smart girl
in the big city,
looking for Mr. Right,
- *** a lot of Mr. Right Nows.
- Oh
All the while putting a ton
of bad *** up her nose.
I'd read that book, sister.
***, I wrote that book,
like, four times
before I actually
ever published anything.
That's just my metier.
Well, your metier
was my epic failure.
I showed it to my boyfriend
at the time a writer.
- Interesting.
- Mm.
- You like writers.
- Not anymore.
- You do.
- He crapped all over it.
- *** ***.
- Hardly.
I shredded the novel,
broke up with the boyfriend,
and applied to Law School.
In that order.
Happily ever after.
How is it
that your happily ever after
doesn't remotely involve
a dude?
That's easy.
I mean, you see me
as this piece of candy.
- I do not.
- Sure, you do.
Yes, I do, actually.
But in the best way possible.
You're like a
Sexy gummy bear
- With caramel on the inside.
- [Chuckles]
Like a gummy bear wrapped
around some other kind
of sweet goodness.
Thank you.
But to answer your question,
dudes have a very hard time
with a woman who's addicted
to her profession.
Maybe you just haven't met
the right dude.
Maybe.
But would I even recognize him?
Because all I ever see
is an impediment
to getting my work done.
That makes me sad.
Why, am I missing something?
Doesn't stop me from having sex
with who I want,
when I want.
Okay, I'm less sad now.
Nothing would ever
become of us, Hank.
- How do you know that?
- Let's play a little game.
- Games are fun.
- Let's pretend for a moment
that for us to embark
on a *** relationship
isn't completely
and utterly inappropriate.
Yes, let's.
You are aware
that said relationship
would go horribly awry
once you realized
I was truly single,
unencumbered,
free to love you and be with you
for the rest of my life.
You're right,
that is a *** killer.
We're a lot alike, you and me.
I have no idea
what you're talking about,
but I think I like
where this is going.
No, I'm serious.
You're a smart, charming guy
I do like where this is going.
With a lot of ***-up,
dark ***
running through that
pretty little head of yours.
I can relate.
I've just figured out
a better way to channel it.
That's what the writing's for.
But you think
you can have it all, right?
Dark, swirling chaos
and the white picket fence.
What if one feeds the other?
What if one destroys the other?
[Cell phone rings] Hold on.
Sorry. Force of habit.
Huh? Oh
- My balls were just vibrating.
- Mm-hmm.
The whole evening.
Thought I had a call.
First time I've heard that.
Oh.
Mm.
Let me guess
A message from behind
the white picket fence?
How'd you know that?
Because you actually smiled
for once.
Not a smirk, a smile.
Uh, can we have the check?
I gotta go.
Of course you do. Go.
Uh, I will I will call you
when I know something.
And, Hank, you might consider
smiling more often.
Got me a little wet.
When I'm next to you ♪
know me broken
♪
teach thee on child ♪
of love hereafter ♪
♪
into the flood again ♪
same old trip ♪
it was back then ♪
so I made a big mistake ♪
try to see it once my way ♪
♪
into the flood again ♪
same old trip
it was back then ♪
so I made a big mistake ♪
try to see it once
my way ♪
have I gone ♪
and left you here alone? ♪
ifIwould ♪
could you? ♪
[Cheers and applause]
Whoo!
Thank you.
We're Queens of Dogtown.
Good night.
That was a riveting 23 seconds.
Thanks for the heads-up.
Consider yourself lucky
that I asked you at all.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Thanks, man. Cheers.
- Hank!
You're such a
Thank you.
No, uh no introduction?
Oh, yeah, uh, this is Ben,
and this is Hank,
Becca's father.
Good to meet you, Hank.
"Becca's father." That's nice.
He's Becca's father.
Come on, man,
don't be that guy.
Don't be that guy?
Don't be the guy
who makes this ***
any weirder
than it has to be, all right?
We're watching our girls
play some music.
There's no need
for an attitude.
You disrespected me
with the beer thing.
But you know what,
I'll let you have that one.
You'll let me have that one?
Yeah, I will.
Long as you buy
the next round. Hmm?
- How's that sound?
- Hey, sweetie.
So good. God, you were great.
Hey
I'm proud. Very, very proud.
Proud of you.
You were fantastic.
Thank you.
This is my dad.
I thought you said
he was out of the picture.
Hey, Hank, we're gonna take
these two little rock stars
out to get something to eat.
A little post-gig celebration.
You want to join us?
Uh, I I kinda
I got a deadline
that I'm working on.
Sweetie, you were just
I'm so proud of you.
I love you. I love you.
I love you too.
- All right, go on.
- Thanks for coming.
Come on, sweetie.
Stop it, Charlie.
You're *** clammy.
It's like holding hands
with a merman.
What else is new?
I get nervous, I get moist.
You know this.
What's with all the scarring
down here, huh?
Your *** feels
like a relief map.
Oh, I've had a couple
of vasectomies.
A couple?
What, did you have a reversal?
No, the first snip didn't take.
I had to have another.
Doctor said it happens
sometimes.
Yeah, sometimes. Not often.
Who was your guy?
I don't know,
some Indian fella.
Unpronounceable last name.
Over in west L.A. by the 405.
[Wheezing laughter]
Why are you laughing?
I'm sorry.
That's piggish, you're right.
It's just that I've heard
of you poor *** before.
I've just never actually
met one.
What are you talking about?
You found him in the back
of the L.A. Weekly, did ya?
Yeah, so? I was
a young agent on a budget.
Ow!
I told you not to skimp
on that ***!
Guy lost his license last year.
- Malpractice.
- Why? What happened?
Know what the other
*** docs call him?
Weenie Todd, the demon urologist
of the West Side.
He was a real butcher.
For whatever reason,
he really enjoyed
How do I put this delicately?
Oh, yeah, *** around
with men's genitalia.
- Which is fine, except
- I think I'm gonna pass out.
Oh, no, no. Oh, there we go.
Hey, don't worry about it.
He'll be fine.
This happens all the time.
So what, exactly,
are you saying here, doc?
There still could be swimmers
in his junk?
Well, I bet if he gave me
a *** sample,
we'd find a couple
of little dudes
swimming around in there, sure.
Not that he's gonna have
an *** anytime soon.
[Whistles]
Marriage on the skids ♪
and the folks
ain't doin' well ♪
♪
but holdin' on ♪
♪
yeah, we're holdin' on ♪
aw, but you and me, baby ♪
[Knock at door]
No, thank you.
[Continued knocking]
I'm not really in the mood.
Yeah, me neither. It's Mia.
Holdin' on ♪
I didn't want to call 911
or anything
because I thought it might
make things worse.
Good call.
She's really *** up, Hank.
I can't wait to play her.
[Chuckles]
Hey, what's up, mama Mia?
Mind if I join you
On the ledge?
Don't know why you'd want to.
I'm not very good company
tonight.
Oh, come on, you're
always good for a laugh or two.
AhhOoh
Bet you didn't know
I was afraid of heights,
did you?
You never struck me
as scared of anything.
Negress, please!
I'm a big old fraidy cat.
You know what really terrifies
the *** out of me?
Hmm?
Maple syrup.
Maple syrup?
Yeah, I can't eat
waffles or pancakes
for fear of getting
that nasty ***
all over my hands.
Croissant too.
[inhales sharply]
It's the texture,
something about the
Wow.
You know?
I'm surprised that you like
the lady parts
as much as you do.
I love me the lady parts.
Mind you, I don't think
I'd ever go
for a ***-flavored cupcake,
but when you're down there
in the ladyness,
you don't want that ***
to taste like ice cream.
- It's complicated.
- [Laughs]
Oh, you're laughing.
That's good.
That means you're not
plummeting to your death.
I like that in a girl.
I was thinking
about it, you know.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
It'd be so easy to just
lean forward and let go.
It would be.
It would be easy. Yeah.
We could, uh
We could go together.
Wow, that'd really
be something.
Yeah. Like Butch and Sundance.
Thelma and Louise.
Tango and Cash.
But somehow I don't think
it's the right ending
for either one of us, Mia.
Well, so where do we go
from here, then?
Depends on where
you want to go, Mia.
[Sighs] Honestly
I just want a do-over.
Go back to being a kid.
Me too.
Well, not a kid, exactly,
but I would like to go back
to '94.
- That was a good year.
- Why?
Because I met Karen.
Then Becca was born.
It was the year
that changed my life.
Mm.
Plus, no Internet,
cell phones, texting,
tweeting, twatting,
twittering
- The *** dark ages.
- Yeah!
Movies were a buck.
Gas was ten cents a gallon.
Blow jobs were free.
Speaking of which,
Clinton was in the White House,
Nirvana was on the radio.
And I had yet to *** up
the best thing
that ever happened to me.
You know what we need
to do, Mia
What's that?
We need to forgive
our *** selves.
You understand?
Nobody's gonna do that for us.
What do you think?
Deal?
Deal.
It's a nice view,
but do you think we might
go back inside now?
I'm I'm scared
[Chuckles]
And I don't like to *** myself
in front of a lady.
Okay.
- Hey.
- Oh.
[Chuckles]
I'm not kidding.
Now I'm feeling dizzy.
I'm gonna head back to my room.
No, no, no, no, no.
Let's go this way.
Take a nap.
Uhh!
- Jesus. Oh
- Hey.
What are you doing here?
[Girls giggling]
Oh
[Camera shutter clicks]
Hey, check it out.
Dude, that's awesome.
Send it to me, yeah.
- Playtime's over, ladies.
- Oh, no.
No, no. Go play
amongst yourselves.
Don't wake me up ♪
don't wake me up ♪