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TA-DA!
WE'RE WITH IMMIGRATION AND CUSTOMS ENFORCEMENT.
MR. SUAREZ, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.
YOU KNOW, I'M GLAD I SAW THIS SIDE OF YOU.
(Bradford) BEST-SELLING AUTHOR BEHIND "M.Y.W.," SOFIA REYES.
YOU GET MY E-MAILS?
(Sofia) YEAH, I WAS BUSY WITH MY BOYFRIEND.
COME WORK FOR MY MAGAZINE.
YOU'LL HAVE YOUR OWN ASSISTANT WITHIN A YEAR.
I GUESS THIS IS GOOD-BYE.
YOU'RE DESTINED FOR BIGGER THINGS THAN THIS.
SOFIA, HI.
YOU MAKE MY HEART BEAT FASTER.
YOU DO TAKE MY BREATH AWAY.
I LOVE YOU, SOFIA.
(man) AND WE'RE LIVE IN 60 SECONDS.
(buzzer)
(man) ON THE BELL, PEOPLE. OKAY, CAMERA TWO, TIGHTEN IT UP.
WHOA, FRODO.
WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?
YEAH, HE'S ONSTAGE ALREADY,
OKAY, BUT IT'S AN EMERGENCY!
BETTY SUAREZ. I'M ASSISTANT TO SOFIA REYES.
I'M SORRY. WE'VE BEEN SPECIFICALLY INSTRUCTED
WHAT?
HEY!
(man) IN FIVE... FOUR...
SECURITY, GET HER OUT OF HERE!
DANIEL!
(door slams)
(Sofia) DANIEL?
AH!
BREAKFAST PARFAIT. I MADE IT ALL BY MYSELF.
NOW THERE ARE A LOT OF LAYERS,
SO YOU HAVE TO EAT YOUR WAY ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM,
'CAUSE THERE'S A SURPRISE.
REALLY?
HAVE I TOLD YOU HOW IMPOSSIBLE
MMM.
IT WAS UNBEARABLE FOR ME, TOO.
WHY IS MY YOGURT CRUNCHY?
OH, THAT'S THE PINE NUT LAYER.
YOU GOTTA KEEP GOING, THOUGH.
SO PROMISE ME YOU'LL NEVER SPEND
THAT MUCH TIME AWAY FROM ME AGAIN.
ARE YOU ASKING ME TO STICK AROUND?
WHAT'S THE SURPRISE?
PAPAYA! IT'S YOUR FAVORITE FRUIT GROWING UP, RIGHT?
LOOK, I CUT IT INTO LITTLE HEART-SHAPED PIECES.
YOU SEE IT?
NO RING?
WELL, WE HAVEN'T EVEN GONE THROUGH THE STEPS OF LOVE YET.
CHAPTER ONE FROM YOUR BOOK.
THINGS A COUPLE SHOULD DO BEFORE THEY GET ENGAGED--
MEETING EACH OTHER'S PARENTS,
GOING ON AN EXOTIC WILDERNESS VACATION--
I WROTE THAT CHAPTER IN THE BOOK JUST TO GIVE IT SOME PIZZAZZ.
THEY'RE TURNING IT INTO A MOVIE NEXT YEAR.
PENELOPE CRUZ IS DYING TO PLAY ME.
SO, UM, THE PART ABOUT WEARING EACH OTHER'S UNDERWEAR
NO, I WAS DRUNK WHEN I WROTE THAT.
THANK GOD. THIS THING IS KIND OF RIDING UP.
(laughs)
LISTEN, DANIEL, FORGET ABOUT THE BOOK.
THIS IS RIGHT.
CAN'T YOU FEEL IT?
MMM. I DO.
I REALLY DO.
I JUST-- I WANNA SAVOR THIS TIME.
(elevator bell dings)
(woman) YOU ARE NOT WEARING THAT SWEATER VEST.
YOU DON'T LIKE IT?
NO, I DON'T LIKE IT. I LOVE IT.
I ALMOST BOUGHT THE SAME ONE AT LADIES 4 LESS.
YEAH! OH, YOU MUST BE BETTY.
SOFIA'S TOLD US ALL ABOUT YOU.
I HEAR YOU WERE A STAR AT "MODE."
OH, NO, NO. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
WELL, HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DID IT.
MY ROSACEA FLARES UP
(laughs)
CUTE BUNNY.
WELL, "M.Y.W." IS A LOT DIFFERENT.
YOU COULDN'T ASK FOR A BETTER PLACE TO WORK
OR A BETTER BOSS THAN SOFIA.
YEAH, SHE'S GREAT, SO KIND AND SUPPORTIVE.
OH, THE BEST. (giggles)
LISTEN, I'M RIGHT OVER HERE IF YOU NEED ME.
JUST PROMISE ME YOU WILL LEND ME THAT SWEATER VEST
(laughs)
OR ANY DATE.
IT'S DONE.
(sighs)
AHH. I'M HOME.
OH!
(Wilhelmina) I THOUGHT I'D NEVER SAY THIS,
BUT I MISS TEXAS.
(both laugh)
YEAH, I WAS A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT YOU THAT FIRST DAY
WHEN YOU PLUNKED YOUR JIMMY CHOOS IN COW DUNG.
WELL, IT WASN'T AS BAD
AS YOU CALLING THEM "JIMMY POOS."
WELL, YOU GOTTA ADMIT THAT WAS FUNNY.
(cell phone ringing)
OH, THERE IT GOES AGAIN.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
I HAVE TO GET BACK TO REALITY.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU HOLD ONTO A LITTLE BIT OF THAT CALM
YOU HAD IN TEXAS WITH ME?
YOU KNOW, BE A LITTLE MORE ARMADILLO,
A LITTLE LESS ROADRUNNER.
UH, A LITTLE MORE ENGLISH, A LITTLE LESS TEXAN, PLEASE.
WELL, YOU SEE, THE ARMADILLO-- HE DOESN'T MOVE VERY FAST,
BUT HE GETS DONE WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO, THEN HE LIES IN THE SUN.
THE ROADRUNNER NEVER STOPS-- FEATHERS FLYING EVERYWHERE,
RUNNING ALL OVER CREATION, AND HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY FUN.
WEREN'T ARMADILLOS THOSE ANIMALS WE SAW
LYING DEAD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY?
I NEVER SAID THEY WERE SMART--
JUST RELAXED AND HAPPY.
(cell phone rings)
(ring)
(sighs)
(ring)
(turns cell phone off)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT, MR. ARMADILLO? HMM?
MR. SUAREZ,
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO PROVE YOUR YEAR OF ENTRY WAS 1977?
YEAH, I THINK THERE ARE SOME TICKET STUBS
TO "SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER" SOMEWHERE IN THERE.
WHAT ARE YOU WRITING DOWN?
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
LISTEN, LADY--
MY NAME IS CONSTANCE, NOT LADY.
I WAS GIVING YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.
LOOK, I'VE BEEN LIVING IN THIS COUNTRY FOR 30 YEARS NOW.
I HAVE TWO--I HAVE TWO KIDS. MY WIFE IS BURIED HERE.
AND FOR THE LAST TWO HOURS,
YOU HAVE BEEN GRILLING ME NONSTOP LIKE I'M--
A CRIMINAL? MR. SUAREZ,
IN THE EYES OF THE I.C.E., THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE.
LET ME REMIND YOU,
YOU ARE IN THIS COUNTRY ILLEGALLY.
MY DEPARTMENT IS THE ONE THING
STANDING BETWEEN YOU AND DEPORTATION.
NOW I GOTTA GO GRAB MYSELF A SMOOTHIE.
I HOPE BY TOMORROW MORNING,
YOU'VE, UH, FOUND A NEW ATTITUDE
AND SOMETHING TO PROVE THAT YEAR OF ENTRY.
GOOD DAY, MR. SUAREZ.
YEAH.
WHAT DEPARTMENT DO I SPEAK TO ABOUT GETTING A NEW CASEWORKER?
(Ruthie) "RISE AND SHINE AMERICA" CALLED.
THEY WANT A COPY OF THE ISSUE BEFORE YOUR APPEARANCE TOMORROW.
WELL, THEY CAN'T HAVE THE ISSUE UNTIL I'VE DECIDED ON A COVER,
AND I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET, SO WHAT ELSE?
BAD NEWS.
THE FREELANCER WHO WROTE THAT FEMALE NASCAR DRIVER STORY--
SHE SOLD THE SAME ARTICLE TO "JANE" TWO YEARS AGO.
WHAT? THAT WAS OUR FISH OUT OF WATER STORY.
DO WE HAVE ANYTHING ELSE?
I HAVE A FRIEND WHO CAN PAINT WITH HER FEET.
HOW IS THAT A FISH OUT OF WATER?
SHE DOESN'T HAVE ARMS.
WE NEED A SOCIALITE IN THE MILITARY,
I'M SORRY I'M LATE!
A GIRL LIKE THAT WORKING AT "MODE."
EVERYONE, IF YOU HAVEN'T MET HER,
HI.
SHE USED TO WORK AT "MODE" TILL JUST RECENTLY.
QUITE A DIFFERENT VIBE HERE, HMM?
WOW. YEAH. FOR STARTERS,
(laughing)
AND--AND IT'S NICE TO WORK WITH PEOPLE
OF ALL DIFFERENT COLORS AND SHAPES AND SIZES AND--
HANDI-CAPABLE.
RIGHT. I'M SORRY. I...
BETTY, YOU ARE OUR FISH.
AHEM. EXCUSE ME?
OUR FISH OUT OF WATER.
PUT DOWN THAT COFFEE AND PICK UP A PENCIL.
I WANT YOU TO QUICKLY WRITE AN ARTICLE
ALL ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE WORKING AT "MODE."
TALK TO THE PEOPLE THAT YOU INTERACTED WITH.
AND, BETTY, GET ME GOOD, HONEST QUOTES, HMM?
A NORMAL FISH IN SHARK-INFESTED WATERS.
IT'S GREAT! GET STARTED. 600 WORDS BY TOMORROW.
AND, GIRLS, COME ON. WE HAVE A MAGAZINE TO LAUNCH.
SOFIA, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MOMENT?
I-I DON'T KNOW HOW COMFORTABLE I AM DOING THIS ARTICLE.
YOU KNOW, I-I JUST FELT LIKE I GRADUATED "MODE,"
AND I WAS GENERALLY NOT TREATED THAT WELL,
AND I DON'T KNOW IF I'M READY TO GO BACK
BUT, BETTY, THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU NEED TO DO THIS.
THE WOUNDS ARE FRESH.
THE ARTICLE WILL BE RAW, REAL, HONEST...
QUALITIES YOUR FORMER BOSS SEEMS TO BE LACKING.
HUH?
OH, BETTY!
SOFIA, WHAT--WHAT'S WRONG?
I THINK I'M LOSING DANIEL.
WHAT? NO! DANIEL LOVES YOU.
WHY IS HE STALLING, THEN? HUH?
THIS IS WHERE IT HAPPENS.
HE BREAKS DOWN THE GIRL,
TAKES HER HEART AND SQUASHES IT.
OH, MY GOD.
I THINK I AM DESTINED TO BE
ANOTHER ONE OF DANIEL MEADE'S GIRLS.
NO! NO, SOFIA.
AND I LEFT HUNTER FOR DANIEL.
NOW HE'S BACK IN EUROPE,
AND HE WON'T EVEN TALK TO ME ANYMORE.
I'M SORRY. I'M JUST SO OVERWHELMED.
(sniffles)
YOU GO UP TO "MODE" AND WRITE THAT ARTICLE.
THIS IS YOUR BIG CHANCE.
OKAY.
(sobbing)
(exhales loudly)
(laughs)
♪♪♪
WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU DOING BACK HERE?
I'M WRITING AN ARTICLE ABOUT BEING AN OUTSIDER AT "MODE,"
AND I WANTED TO INTERVIEW YOU.
(laughs) AS MUCH FUN AS THAT SOUNDS,
I SO DON'T HAVE TIME FOR IT RIGHT NOW.
WILHELMINA'S DUE BACK ANY SECOND,
AND SHE'S ALWAYS EXTREMELY TENSE AFTER A RELAXING VACATION.
OKAY, WELL, THEN, JUST A QUICK QUOTE.
HONESTLY TELL ME WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST IMPRESSION WAS OF ME.
(sighs)
(Marc) THERE YOU HAVE IT. NOW PLEASE JUST WADDLE OFF.
MARC, I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO QUOTE THAT.
WELL, I WAS THRILLED--
SOMEONE ELSE TO MAKE FUN OF BEHIND THEIR BACKS.
WHICH WAS?
"BETTY'S SCREEN SAVERS OF SHAME."
WELL, THEY'RE NOT QUITE AS FLATTERING AS THE ONES
I FOUND OF YOU ON dudecruise.com,
BUT THEY'RE NOT BAD.
YOU DID NOT.
DON'T YOU EVER TELL ANYONE.
FINE.
(cell phone rings)
OKAY, EVERYONE! SHE'S COMING IN!
(Marc claps)
MOVE IT. LET'S GO, PEOPLE. GO, GO, GO. LOOK ALIVE.
LOOK-- COVER THAT HIDEOUS THING UP.
YOU KNOW HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT FLORAL PRINTS!
MOVE IT! THE SHARK IS IN THE BOX.
GO. RANDALL, GO!
GOOD MORNING, MARC.
UH, W-W-WILLIE? UM, HI.
ARE THOSE JEANS?
AREN'T THEY FABULOUS?
TED TOOK ME TO, UH, AN OUTLET MALL.
I SHOPPED NEXT TO FAT PEOPLE.
HELLO, CARL. HOW WAS YOUR HOLIDAY?
KEVIN. I SPENT IT SENDING OUT RéSUMéS.
YOU FIRED ME AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY.
I'M JUST PACKING.
IS THAT TRUE?
AS IF IT NEVER HAPPENED, CARL.
KEV--
DON'T PUSH IT.
(knock on door)
SO...
I HEARD YOU CALLED ASKING FOR A NEW CASEWORKER.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING.
MAYBE THIS WASN'T A GOOD FIT, YOU KNOW? IT HAPPENS.
LOOK, I'M-- I'M SORRY, CONSTANCE.
NO PROBLEM. GOOD LUCK TO YOU.
THANKS.
(knock on door)
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!
YOU CAN'T JUST GET A NEW CASEWORKER!
I'M NOT A PAIR OF CHEAP SOCKS
YOU CAN RETURN TO A 99-CENT STORE.
LET ME REMIND YOU, MR. SUAREZ.
YOU ARE AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT. NOW I CAN MAKE THIS EASY,
OR I CAN LoJack YOUR ANKLE LIKE AN IROC-Z.
VERY.
GOOD. THEN I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
AN ARTICLE? OOH.
MAKE ME SOUND EXTRA GLAMOROUS... AND SKINNY.
SO... HONEST QUOTE--
WHAT DID YOU THINK OF ME WHEN I FIRST ARRIVED?
HATED ME.
IS THAT BECAUSE I DIDN'T LOOK LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE?
NO. IT'S BECAUSE I'D BEEN ANGLING FOR THIS POSITION
FOR MONTHS, AND YOU TRAIPSE IN HERE
WITH YOUR BUSHY EYEBROWS AND REALLY BAD BANGS,
AND I'M LIKE, "THAT TOOK MY JOB?"
YOU'RE REALLY CONFIRMING EVERYTHING I'M WRITING ABOUT.
THANK YOU.
WELL, I MUST CONFESS, AT A CERTAIN POINT,
WAIT. YOU BECAME ENVIOUS OF ME?
ONLY IN THE MOST BIZARRE WAY, OF COURSE.
I MEAN, I CAN'T LEAVE THE HOUSE
WITH AN OUT OF SEASON HANDBAG,
AND YOU SHOW UP ON A DAILY BASIS
LOOKING LIKE A... YARD SALE. DIDN'T EVEN CARE.
IT'S LIKE YOU WERE GENETICALLY ENGINEERED
WITHOUT THE FEAR GENE. I GOTTA GIVE YOU PROPS.
THANK YOU, AMANDA.
HMM. OH, AND F.Y.I.--
NONE OF THIS MEANS I LIKE YOU OR ANYTHING.
OF COURSE.
WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
I CALLED YOU, LIKE, A THOUSAND TIMES.
(chuckles) WITH TED.
HE'S STAYING WITH ME THROUGH THE WEEKEND.
WHAT'D I MISS?
SOME GUY NAMED STEVE CALLED,
SAID HE HAD VALUABLE INFORMATION ABOUT BRADFORD.
(singsong voice) CRYPTIC!
NO. WHAT ELSE?
DANIEL CAN HANDLE THAT.
BUT IT'S VERA *** THIS YEAR. YOU LOVE YOUR ***.
AAH!
I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S LIKE A GIANT DEAD RAT OR SOMETHING.
I THINK...
IT'S AN ARMADILLO.
AW!
WOULD YOU PUT HIM UP THERE FOR ME, PLEASE?
(laughs)
(cell phone rings)
(ring)
(Wilhelmina) YES?
We need to speak...
IN PERSON.
YEAH, WELL, YOU WEREN'T EXACTLY THE TYPE OF GIRL
I WAS USED TO WORKING WITH, BUT AS I GOT TO KNOW YOU,
AW.
AND I GOTTA SAY,
YOU HELPED ME GROW AS A PERSON.
YOU'RE WRITING ALL THIS DOWN, RIGHT?
OF COURSE. SO I REALLY HELPED YOU GROW AS A PERSON?
WELL, YEAH, WITH THE WHOLE SOFIA THING.
I MEAN, YOU HAD A HUGE PART IN THAT.
WHY DO YOU ASK?
(sighs) OKAY, LOOK, YOU DIDN'T HEAR THIS FROM ME,
BECAUSE IF YOU TELL HER, I WILL TOTALLY DENY IT.
BUT SHE WAS DOWNSTAIRS CRYING THIS MORNING.
WHAT? THAT'S CRAZY.
I MEAN, CAN YOU BLAME HER? SHE DOESN'T WANNA BECOME
ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR "DANIEL MEADE" GIRLS.
LISTEN, I THINK THAT IF YOU DON'T WANNA LOSE HER,
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.
THANKS, BETTY.
I'M GONNA GO GET LUNCH. CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING?
I HAVE A NEW ASSISTANT NOW. REMEMBER?
OH, YEAH.
NOW TELL ME,
WHERE DOES ONE FIND AN ARMADILLO IN MANHATTAN?
IN CHINATOWN.
I THINK IT WAS GONNA BE SOMEONE'S LUNCH.
(laughs) WELL, DESPITE THE FACT
THAT IT CLASHES WITH MOST OF MY OFFICE,
I ADORE HIM.
I PUT HIM ON THE SHELF IN FRONT OF ME
TO REMIND ME WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT.
OH? WHAT'S THAT?
WELL, MOMENTS LIKE THIS. I SPENT THE PAST 20 YEARS
WORRYING ABOUT HEMLINES AND HEELS,
AND FOR WHAT?
IF YOU HAVE NO ONE TO SHARE IT WITH,
WHAT'S THE POINT?
YOU'RE ABOUT TO SHARE HEMLINES AND HEELS WITH ME, ARE YOU?
MMM, I WAS THINKING ABOUT SHARING SOMETHING ELSE.
(both laugh)
I GOTTA WARN YOU, WILLIE.
OH.
I HAVE THREE EXES. I'M WORKING ON A FOURTH--
A PASSEL OF KIDS.
WE BOTH HAVE PLENTY OF BAGGAGE.
BUT... I'M WILLING TO GIVE IT A SHOT IF YOU ARE.
(man) HEY, LADY. GET OUTTA HERE.
HUNTER IS SUPPOSEDLY
THIS PERFECT MODEL/ RACECAR DRIVER/HUMANITARIAN
SO HE GETS AROUND.
I SAW SOFIA WITH HIM,
WELL, THEY RECONNECTED.
SHE WAS HANDING HIM A *** OF CASH--A LOT OF IT--
RIGHT BEFORE HE WALKED INTO BOYLESQUE.
THE STRIP CLUB ON 34 AND 7th?
WHAT? I DO MANAGE TO GET OUT OF THIS CLOSET
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
WELL, I HAVE TO ASSUME,
SINCE IT CATERS EXCLUSIVELY TO WOMEN,
SOFIA WAS DATING A STRIPPER?
OH, MY GOD. I LOVE HER.
THIS IS SO WEIRD.
AND SHE WAS SO ADAMANT
ABOUT GETTING DANIEL TO PROPOSE TO HER.
OH, I DO.
WHAT?
WE INVESTIGATE.
HERE I AM BIRTHING A CALF.
OH, AND TED'S LASSOING ME.
MM, I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR SILLY LITTLE VACATION.
WHAT ABOUT THE PLAN?
OH, THE PLAN.
THE PLAN TO TAKE OVER MEADE PUBLICATION
HAS CLEARLY FAILED.
BRADFORD KNOWS NOW WITH COMPLETE CERTAINTY
THAT FEY SOMMERS IS DEAD,
AND WE HAVE NO FIRM EVIDENCE LINKING HIM TO HER ***.
HAND ME MY OXYGEN.
(inhales deeply)
WILHELMINA, I FULLY INTEND
TO TAKE OVER THE COMPANY SOONER RATHER THAN LATER.
AND IF YOU'RE NOT MY ALLY, THEN YOU'LL BE MY ENEMY,
AND THERE WILL BE NO PLACE FOR YOU ANYWHERE AT MEADE.
WELL, WE'LL JUST LET THE CHIPS
FALL WHERE THEY MAY.
WHERE ARE WE?
SOMEWHERE I NEVER BRING A WOMAN TO.
I DIDN'T REALIZE SUCH A PLACE STILL EXISTED IN MANHATTAN.
YEAH, I KNOW I HAVE A FEW NOTCHES ON MY BELT.
BABY, IT'S ALL NOTCH, NO BELT,
WHICH MAKES ME WONDER--
HOW DOES A MAN WITH NO BELT KEEP HIS PANTS ON? HMM?
HMM... MEETING SOMEONE LIKE YOU?
(gasps)
MR. MEADE! THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.
I BELIEVE WE'RE HAVING DINNER TOGETHER.
BEFORE WE MOVE ON TO THAT NEXT STEP,
I THOUGHT IT WAS IMPORTANT
FOR YOU TO MEET BOTH OF MY PARENTS.
WELCOME, SOFIA.
HELLO. THANK YOU.
MY GOD, SHE'S STUNNING.
THANK GOD DANIEL GOT TO HER BEFORE YOU DID.
HELLO. I'M CLAIRE,
DANIEL'S RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC MOTHER.
BEST BEHAVIOR, MOTHER.
I AM TRYING TO MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION.
OH, MY DARLING.
MM-HMM.
LET ME SHOW YOU DANIEL'S BABY PICTURES.
HE DOES THE CUTEST THING IN THE TUB.
DOES HE?
SOMETHING THAT'LL SHOW THAT BARRACUDA
OKAY.
I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS WOMAN, MIJA.
SHE'S RUDE, SHE'S OBNOXIOUS, SHE'S--
RESPECT.
SHE SHOWS UP UNANNOUNCED AND STARTS NEEDLING ME.
DAD, STOP. YOU'RE POWERLESS.
AND YOU KNOW, WE REALLY NEED HER ON OUR SIDE RIGHT NOW.
CONSTANCE GRADY IS ONLY ON CONSTANCE GRADY'S SIDE.
WELL, THEN MAYBE IGNACIO SUAREZ SHOULD TRY BEING ON HER SIDE.
YOU EVER STOP TO THINK THAT MAYBE
SHE'S ACTUALLY TRYING TO HELP?
LOOK, TRY GETTING IN HER GOOD GRACES.
YOU KNOW, SOMETHING SIMPLE, SOMETHING SWEET.
MAKE HER SMILE.
(dance music playing)
(women cheering and hooting)
(man imitates pirate) ARRR.
YOU LADIES READY TO PLUNDER THE SEVEN SEAS
HOW MUCH?
CHRISTINA, WE ARE NOT HERE FOR A LAP DANCE.
SIR, UM, WE ARE HERE TO SEE ONE OF YOUR PERFORMERS.
UH, HUNTER?
EVERY OTHER GUY IS NAMED HUNTER HERE.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO BE A LITTLE MORE SPECIFIC.
UH, WELL, HE'S-- HE'S TALL AND BLOND,
AND HE LOOKS KIND OF NORDIC.
(normal voice) OH. OF COURSE. HUNTER NINE.
WELL, GET IN LINE.
EVERYONE WANTS A PIECE OF THE NINE.
(woman screaming)
♪♪♪
OH, I THINK WE'RE GONNA NEED AN AWFUL LOT OF SINGLES.
I OPEN MY CLOSET DOOR,
AND THERE WAS DANIEL IN MY PUCCI STRAPLESS
AND A PAIR OF PATENT-LEATHER PUMPS.
FOR THE RECORD, I WAS 6 YEARS OLD,
AND IT WAS MY BROTHER WHO DRESSED ME UP.
YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT YOUR BROTHER.
HE DIED TWO YEARS AGO.
OH, I'M SORRY.
IT'S BEEN A BIT OF A BUMPY ROAD
FOR THE MEADE FAMILY OF LATE.
IT SEEMS OUR LUCK IS CHANGING.
TO SOFIA.
(Daniel and Claire) SOFIA.
AY, PERDó.
GRACIA.
AS A REYES,
YOU MUST HAVE HAD PLENTY OF MAIDS GROWING UP.
WE SPENT A WEEK AT JAVIER REYES' ESTATE IN PUERTO VALLARTA.
HE HAS THE MOST DARLING LITTLE ZOO...
OR RATHER, ZOO-Ló-GICO.
MUY BIEN, BUT YOU GOT THE WRONG REYES.
GROWING UP, WE ONLY HAD ONE MAID--MY MOTHER.
AND THE CLOSEST I EVER GOT TO THE UPPER CRUST
SO NO SILVER SPOON.
OH, NO, NO, NO. WE COULD BARELY AFFORD A PLASTIC ONE.
THAT'S WHY I LIKE THIS GIRL--
SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY WORKED FOR WHAT THEY GOT OUT OF LIFE.
YOU COULD LEARN SOMETHING FROM HER, DANIEL.
AND I FULLY INTEND TO, FATHER...
FOR AS LONG AS SHE'S WILLING TO TEACH ME.
(classical piano playing)
(Michael Jackson's "Beat It" playing)
HELLO!
SO?
THAT WOMAN THERE IS ABOUT TO MARRY
SOME FAT, BALD, PASTY-LOOKING DENTIST.
THIS IS HER LAST SUPPER. SHE IS CASHING OUT.
WELL, I KNOW WHERE HE CAN SWIPE IT.
OKAY, FINE. HERE'S LUNCH FOR THE WEEK.
OH, $20! HUNTER!
HE'S COMING, HE'S COMING.
HEY, LADIES.
OOH.
YOU CAN COP A FEEL IF YOU'D LIKE.
OKAY.
HE SAID...
UM, HUNTER, DO-- DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
I GOT GIRLFRIENDS, BOYFRIENDS, ALL SORTS OF FRIENDS.
UM...
SO, YOU MEAN, YOU'RE--YOU'RE BISEXUAL?
THAT'S RIGHT, BABE. YOU BUY...
(laughs nervously)
SO WHAT KIND OF LAP DANCE YOU IN THE MOOD FOR?
CUPPING THE COBRA?
FEEDING THE KITTY? SLAPPING THE BONGOS?
OR JUST A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED HOT DOG RACE?
YES! I'M ASSUMING THAT EVERYTHING'S JUST à LA CARTE--
(New Jersey accent) HEY, HUNTER!
JIGGLE YOUR JUNK ON OVER HERE.
WHOA. TIME'S UP, LADIES.
I GOTTA GO SERVICE THE HIGH ROLLERS.
NO, WAIT! WAIT!
I JUST GAVE YOU A $20!
COME TO MAMA, BABY. OH, MY GOD.
WELL, HE'S A ***, ISN'T HE?
WELL, I HAVE TO FIND OUT ABOUT HIM AND SOFIA.
RIGHT. WELL, I SUGGEST YOU MAKE A BEELINE FOR THAT A.T.M.,
WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY FINE BY ME, YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE I-I AM HERE FOR THE LONG HAUL. RIGHT.
(Sofia) YOU TWO LOOK SO HAPPY TOGETHER.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED?
IT'LL BE 38 YEARS IN SEPTEMBER.
(Bradford laughs)
I ALMOST SHOT HIM ONE CHRISTMAS IN ANN ARBOR.
THANK GOD IT WAS ME WHO WAS LOADED AND NOT THE GUN.
YOU ALMOST SHOT HIM?
WELL, EVERY FAMILY DOES HOLIDAYS A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY.
IN A MARRIAGE, THINGS HAPPEN.
(laughs) THINGS LIKE TISHA AND CINDY
AND CANDEE WITH TWO E's.
AND LET'S NOT FORGET ABOUT FEY.
SETTLE.
HMM. MY POINT IS THAT MARRIAGE
CAN BE PRETTY AWFUL SOMETIMES.
BUT SOMEHOW YOU FIND A WAY TO GO ON,
AND THAT'S A GOOD THING.
BECAUSE WHEN SOMETHING REALLY BAD HAPPENS,
LIKE LOSING ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN,
YOU REALIZE THAT YOU COULD NEVER SURVIVE IT
WITHOUT YOUR HUSBAND.
COME ON. DANCE WITH ME.
(gasps) OH.
(slow jazz playing)
YOU'RE BOMBED, AREN'T YOU?
IT'S JUST A LITTLE COUGH SYRUP.
(forces cough)
IF YOU TURN AND RUN, I WILL COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND.
NEVER.
I'D LOVE TO HAVE WHAT THEY HAVE...
BUT WITHOUT THE CHEATING.
IF YOU CHEAT ON ME,
I SWEAR I WILL CUT YOUR COJONES OFF.
(laughs)
DO YOU THINK OUR GRANDCHILD
WILL HAVE A SPANISH NAME LIKE PACO?
DO YOU LIKE HER?
SHE'S LOVELY. THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT HER,
LIKE SHE'S HIDING SOMETHING.
AREN'T WE ALL?
YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT IT,
WE COULD HAVE WHAT THEY HAVE.
AAH! HEY!
HEY, HERE! LOOK! MONEY!
OKAY, I JUST WANNA KNOW QUICKLY--HAVE YOU EVER
HAPPENS ALL THE TIME--
A GIRL WANTS TO MAKE A GUY JEALOUS.
WELL, IS THAT WHAT YOU DID FOR SOFIA REYES?
IS SHE ALREADY GIVING ME RECOMMENDATIONS? NICE.
(laughs)
(cell phone rings)
Hi, Daniel. I-- It's Betty. Look--I need
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOFIA.
HEY! PERFECT TIMING. I JUST PROPOSED.
Yeah, isn't that great?
I mean, it would have never have happened
if we hadn't had our talk today.
THANK YOU, BETTY!
Is there something you wanted to tell me?
UM...
Yeah...
CONGRATULATIONS.
(women cheering)
BOX SEATS FOR "COS FAN TUTTE" AT THE MET.
PREPARE TO BE DAZZLED.
AND A PAIR OF FERRAGAMO WING TIPS.
SORRY. NO COWBOY BOOTS AT THE OPERA.
WELL, WHAT'S GOING ON?
I HAD A LONG TALK WITH MY WIFE TODAY, WILLIE.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS.
I THINK YOU JUST DID.
WILLIE, WAIT.
JOANNE AND I HAVE A DAUGHTER TOGETHER.
AND MY OTHER KIDS--
THEY DON'T NEED ANOTHER EX-STEPMOM.
MY FAMILY'S PRETTY BROKEN.
I GOTTA TRY AND FIX IT.
LOOK, I-I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND, BUT--
LET'S NOT, SHALL WE?
WHAT CHANCE DID AN ARMADILLO
AND A ROADRUNNER HAVE, ANYWAY?
KEEP THE SHOES.
AND TRY NOT TO STEP IN ANY COW DUNG.
GOOD MORNING, SOFIA. COFFEE?
WHERE'D YOU GET IT?
HUNTER'S JOCKSTRAP?
WHAT? YOU DIDN'T THINK HE WAS GONNA TELL ME
THAT A BUSHY-BROWED LATINA GIRL WITH BRACES
CAME AND ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT US?
YOU CAN LEAVE US ALONE FOR A SECOND. THANK YOU.
SOFIA, WHY WOULD YOU HIRE SOMEONE
TO PRETEND TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND?
I KNEW ABOUT DANIEL'S REPUTATION,
AND, WELL, BEING JUST ANOTHER SINGLE GIRL
WASN'T GONNA BE ENOUGH TO DRIVE HIM
WELL, WHY WOULD YOU WANT, OR EVEN NEED,
TO DRIVE SOMEONE TO WANNA BE WITH YOU?
THE CAR'S DOWNSTAIRS TO TAKE YOU TO
"RISE AND SHINE AMERICA." DANIEL'S ALREADY WAITING.
THANK YOU, RUTHIE.
YES.
WE ARE GOING TO ANNOUNCE OUR ENGAGEMENT
TOGETHER ON AIR.
OKAY, UM, I'LL JUST GRAB A FEW THINGS,
AND I'LL COME RIGHT DOWN.
NO, YOU ARE GOING TO STAY HERE AND FINISH UP THAT ARTICLE,
AND I EXPECT IT TO BE READY BY THE TIME I GET BACK.
GOOD MORNING, WILHELMINA.
DIDN'T I FIRE YOU?
(Ruthie) I CAN'T BELIEVE TODAY'S THE BIG DAY.
AREN'T YOU SO EXCITED?
YEP. BIG DAY. REALLY EXCITED.
(giggles) THANK GOD WE FINALLY GOT THE COVER.
OH, MY NERVES HAD ME ALL BLOTCHY,
NEVER DOUBT SOFIA. THE ARTICLE'S GREAT, TOO.
I DON'T THINK SHE SLEPT A WINK LAST NIGHT WRITING IT.
AS WE SPEAK.
WOW.
UM, CAN I READ THAT?
OH, UH... SOFIA DOESN'T WANT YOU TO READ IT YET.
(grunts)
OKAY.
HEY!
AAH!
OH, YOU--YOU--YOU... GET HER!
(elevator bell dings)
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON!
(buttons beeping)
(beeping continues)
(elevator bell dings)
(wheels screeching)
(panting)
"THE RULES TO GETTING ANY GUY YOU WANT
TO PROPOSE TO YOU IN 60 DAYS OR LESS."
(Sofia) YOU GOTTA DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO.
"PIQUE HIS INTEREST."
MY EDITORS AND I ARE WORKING HERE...
"STAY IN CLOSE PROXIMITY."
WHY DO YOU THINK I'M A TEASE?
"GIVE HIM A TASTE."
HEY, YOU. COME HERE.
"MAKE YOURSELF UNAVAILABLE."
COME ON, DANIEL. THIS IS WHERE YOU STOP ME
FROM WALKING BACK INTO THAT CLUB.
(elevator bell dings)
(rapid footsteps)
BETTY.
CALM DOWN. WHAT-- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
SOFIA SET HIM UP FROM THE BEGINNING.
SHE USED DANIEL TO GET HER COVER STORY!
(man) FROM THE R.S.A. STUDIOS IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN--
"RISE AND SHINE AMERICA."
COMING UP, ACCLAIMED AUTHOR AND MAGAZINE EDITOR
SOFIA REYES IS HERE TO TALK ABOUT HER NEW MAGAZINE, "M.Y.W."
(woman) AND HER ENGAGEMENT TO NEW YORK'S
MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR, DANIEL MEADE.
(man) OKAY, CAMERA TWO, TIGHTEN IT UP.
READY, CAMERA ONE.
SECURITY, GET HER OUT OF HERE.
AAH. DANIEL!
DANIEL!
THREE...
YEAH!
SO TELL US ABOUT YOUR MAGAZINE.
I CREATED "M.Y.W." IN ORDER TO FILL A VOID.
THERE ARE NO MAGAZINES THAT ACTUALLY
MAKE A MODERN WOMAN FEEL EMPOWERED.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT OVERPRICED CLOTHES
OR WRINKLE CREAMS.
THESE ARE REAL ARTICLES.
YEAH. THAT'S GREAT.
AND I UNDERSTAND YOU'VE USED YOURSELF
AS AN EXAMPLE FOR THE FIRST COVER.
THAT'S RIGHT. STATISTICS WOULD SAY
THAT I SHOULDN'T BE HERE RIGHT NOW.
BUT I AM, WITH A NEW MAGAZINE AND NEWLY ENGAGED
TO THE MOST NOTORIOUS BACHELOR IN NEW YORK CITY.
(laughs)
(both laugh)
I GOT HIM TO PROPOSE TO ME IN 60 DAYS.
(both) WOW.
YEAH!
IS THAT TRUE? 60 DAYS?
UH, YEAH. UM...
I GUESS IT WAS, UH, EXACTLY 60 DAYS
FROM THE DAY WE FIRST MET
TILL, UH, LAST NIGHT WHEN I PROPOSED. YEAH.
THAT'S MY LEAD ARTICLE.
"FROM FLING TO RING IN 60 DAYS--
TECHNIQUES TO MAKE YOU GET THE MAN YOU WANT IN 60 DAYS."
AND IF THEY WORKED FOR ME WITH DANIEL MEADE,
THEY'LL WORK FOR ANY WOMAN OUT THERE.
(man) NOW, UH, DANIEL, WERE YOU AWARE
THAT SHE SET OUT TO TRY AND GET YOU TO PROPOSE?
NO. UH, I WASN'T.
WE, UH, WE--WE MET, AND...
WE FELL IN LOVE.
WELL, ACTUALLY...
DANIEL, YOU FELL IN LOVE.
I MEAN, I HAVE TO TELL YOU,
AS MUCH AS I LIKE YOU-- YOU'RE A TERRIFIC GUY.
BUT RIGHT NOW I JUST WANNA FOCUS ON MY CAREER,
NOT ON A RELATIONSHIP.
BUT THANK YOU FOR BEING SUCH A GOOD SPORT.
WELL...
(woman) FANTASTIC. UH...
(man) FANTASTIC.
(woman) SO LET'S TALK MORE ABOUT, UH, "M.Y.W"
ON NEWSSTANDS THIS TUESDAY...
(Sofia) ...GOING TO REACH EVEN MORE PEOPLE
THROUGH A MAGAZINE.
EVEN I'M SHEDDING A SILENT TEAR.
GUESS IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR ANY OF US TO HAVE IT ALL...
BUT NO REASON WHY WE CAN'T KEEP TRYING.
BY THE WAY, THAT STEVE GUY
CALLED AGAIN ABOUT BRADFORD.
GET HIM FOR ME.
(woman) RIGHT, WELL, THE MAGAZINE IS "M.Y.W.,"
AND THE WOMAN BEHIND IT ALL-- SOFIA REYES.
(man) OH, AND DANIEL MEADE, OF COURSE,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
THANK YOU BOTH FOR STOPPING BY.
(man snaps) AND THAT'S A WRAP.
DANIEL.
DANIEL.
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
SOFIA, I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU.
I KNOW YOU DID.
AND FOR WHAT? A-A PUBLICITY STUNT? REALLY?
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU DONE
EXACTLY THE SAME THING TO DOZENS OF WOMEN?
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BROKEN THEIR HEARTS
I CAN GUARANTEE
NONE WERE BROADCAST ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.
THIS WASN'T EASY FOR ME EITHER.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE, BUT IT WASN'T.
IT'S JUST THAT WHEN I START SOMETHING,
I HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH, AND YOU CAN CALL ME A ***.
YOU CAN CALL ME WHATEVER YOU WANT.
BUT IT'S HOW I'VE GOTTEN WHERE I AM TODAY.
OTHERWISE, I WOULD STILL BE DUSTING HOUSES
IN MEXICO WITH MY MOTHER.
FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH...
YOU WERE SO MUCH MORE THAN I EVER THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE.
AND I'M SORRY.
DANIEL, I'M SO SORRY.
I'M GOING TO GO DOWN RIGHT NOW AND FIRE HER.
WELL, YOU'RE CERTAINLY FREE TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
IF I WAS C.E.O.,
I'D BE SIGNING HER UP TO A LONG-TERM CONTRACT.
THAT STUNT SHE PULLED WILL PROBABLY GUARANTEE YOU
THE SINGLE BIGGEST LAUNCH OF ANY MAGAZINE
IN THE COMPANY'S HISTORY.
BUT YOU'RE MY SON.
SHE HURT YOU.
IT'S JUST BUSINESS, DAD.
(sighs)
(applause)
(Sofia) THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
YOU BETRAYED ME.
NOW THAT'S NOT TRUE.
YOU MANIPULATED ME
AND YOU LIED TO MY FACE ABOUT DANIEL.
YES, I DID, BUT NOT ABOUT YOU.
I DID NOT LIE ABOUT YOUR POTENTIAL.
I DID NOT LIE ABOUT YOUR ABILITIES.
THAT'S WHY I HIRED YOU.
I SEE A LOT MYSELF IN YOU.
WELL, I DON'T SEE ANY OF MYSELF IN YOU.
HERE'S MY ARTICLE ABOUT WORKING AT "MODE."
FUNNY THING RESEARCHING IT-- THOSE PEOPLE
MIGHT BE SUPERFICIAL, BUT THEY KNOW IT,
AND THEY DON'T PRETEND TO BE ANYTHING MORE THAN THEY ARE.
I ACTUALLY THINK I FIT IN BETTER THERE
BETTY--
I QUIT.
DECEMBER 10th, 1977.
A LEASE--THAT'LL WORK.
FIRST APARTMENT MY WIFE AND I LIVED IN.
NO HEAT, NO HOT WATER, A VIEW OF A BRICK WALL--
IT WAS, UH, PARADISE. (chuckles)
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR COOPERATION.
WELL, LISTEN, CONSTANCE, I-I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE
FOR GETTING OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT WITH YOU.
HMM.
AND SO I, UH...
I WANTED TO GIVE YOU THIS.
A LOT OF LETTERS.
THAT'S WHY THE WORDS ARE SO SMALL.
MM, MM, MM.
YOU DON'T KNOW...
OOH, YOU JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS TO ME.
I MEAN, EVERYBODY'S ALWAYS TREATING ME
LIKE A GLORIFIED METER MAID. BUT OH! OH! OH!
THANK YOU SO MUCH. YOU JUST MADE MY DAY.
ADIóS, IGNACIO.
I HOPE TO BE SEEING A LOT OF YOU.
(chuckles nervously)
(door shuts)
(elevator bell dings)
WELL, HELLO.
(punching sounds)
(Sofia screaming)
(fabric ripping)
MARC!
WHERE'S DANIEL?
WHAT?!
INSTEAD OF COMING BACK TO THE OFFICE THIS MORNING,
HE HAD HIS DRIVER TAKE HIM TO J.F.K.
YOU MEAN...
WHAT?
HE DISAPPEARED.