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[intro music]
>> PETER: Hello sir! Did you have a pleasant death today?
>> STEVE: Not really. A deer jumped in front of the car, so I swerved to avoid it and crashed
into a 'Deer Crossing' sign. Bloody things! I'm glad Bambi's mum died now. I hope I never
see another deer as long as I...
>> PETER: Live? I don't think that's going to be a problem. Let's have a look at your
notes, shall we, and find out your destination?
>> STEVE: Oh, I was going to Alton Towers.
>> PETER: I mean your final destination. Alton Towers, alas, isn't one of the options.
>> STEVE: Ah – about that. I suppose I might as well tell you – I'm an agnostic. Does
that count against me?
>> PETER: Not necessarily, it all depends what mood He's in. The boss is very fickle.
One minute it's “Let's populate the Earth with giant carnivorous reptiles”, the next
minute it's “I wonder what would happen if we shaved some of the apes”... no, I
wouldn't worry too much about the agnosticism. This, though, is a bit more serious.
>> STEVE: What's that?
>> PETER: It says here you murdered someone.
>> STEVE: Ah, that. I was hoping it goes off my record after four years like a speeding
fine. I suppose this means I go straight to Hell?
>> PETER: Well I'm not going to lie, it doesn't look good. But extenuating circumstances aren't
unheard of, so don't give up hope just yet. I'd better get the boss out. Could you come
through, your Godness? I've got one what's done a ***. He won't like this. He's right
in the middle of reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar.
[sound of beam]
>> GOD: Right, what's this all about then? You did a ***, did you? I hope for your
sake it was in self defence.
>> STEVE: Yes! Yes it was!
>> GOD: It says here your victim was a blind, wheelchair bound, eighty-seven year old woman
with severe arthritis.
>> STEVE: Um, yes, that's right.
>> GOD: And you smashed her head in with a spanner.
>> STEVE: Oh, god no! It was a monkey wrench.
>> GOD: Attacking you, was she? This feeble old lady who was so weak even laughing would
have been enough to kill her, so much so that under doctor's orders she was forbidden from
watching any television except The Golden Girls?
>> STEVE: Well, no, she wasn't attacking me at the time. But she might have done. See,
it started as an argument that got out of hand.
>> GOD: An argument with poor old Mrs Polinski?
>> STEVE: Oh, no, with my mate Dave. I said it's illogical to call yourself an atheist
when it's impossible to prove there isn't a god, and he said if it comes to that, you
can't prove the old Polish lady next door isn't a robot from space who's been sent to
kill us all, so I said that seems pretty unlikely, and he said it's a damn sight more likely
than the existence of gods, given that the robot from space thing only hypothesises other
beings within our galaxy that evolved according to established biological principles, whereas
the god thing supposes an omniscient entity outside this universe whose existence can't
be explained by any known process, so if we're going to take the god thing even slightly
seriously, we'd better take the thing about Mrs Polinski being a killer robot from space
very seriously indeed.
>> GOD: And so you killed her to save mankind from this threat of annihilation by alien
forces?
>> STEVE: Yes, exactly. I know it sounds silly, but you can't have it both ways, can you?
I mean, I assume you want people to believe in you?
>> GOD: I must admit, it does get quite depressing meeting so many people who don't think I exist.
You start to question it yourself after a while.
>> STEVE: There you are then. If you want people to have blind faith, you can hardly
object to any other irrational beliefs they might hold – or the actions they perform
as a consequence of those beliefs. There really isn't any behaviour you can legitimately condemn.
>> GOD: Oh, is that so? Look, mate, I never manifested in your office and told you how
to do chartered accounting, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell me how to do my godding.
>> PETER: Um... this is strange. I've just been cross-referencing – no one of that
name came through here on the day you killed Mrs Polinski.
>> STEVE: Then she isn't dead? I don't understand... most of her brain ended up down my trousers.
I had to get them dry cleaned.
>> PETER: I can only see one explanation...
>> GOD: Oh, yes, I remember now! You were right – Mrs Polinski really was a killer
robot from space.
>> STEVE: Really?
>> GOD: I'd have told you earlier, but when you know everything like I do, it's no small
feat to access specific bits of information. I'm waiting for the founders of Google to
die, I bet they can give me some tips. Yes, I remember now – left unchecked, she would
have destroyed all life on earth.
>> STEVE: Oh! Then I suppose that makes me the saviour of mankind? Does that mean I can
get into Heaven?
>> GOD: My dear boy, that earns you whatever fate you desire!
>> STEVE: Really? Gosh! Well as a matter of fact, there are a few things I still wanted
to do on Earth – I've never been to Paris, or had a threesome, or visited one of those
restaurants where you get to pick a lobster out of a tank... I don't suppose there's any
chance of reincarnation?
>> GOD: Well it's not something we usually do, but I think we can make an exception just
this once. I'll even arrange for you to have all those experiences if you like.
>> STEVE: Oh, that would be wonderful! Thank you!
>> GOD: Anything for the saviour of mankind! Have a nice life... again.
>> GOD: Right. Let's see what that caterpillar's going to eat next!
[French music]
CUSTOMER: I'll have... zat one.
[music]