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Subtitles by Mark McLovegrove
What a busy day Claude.
Ja, trés busy!
Are we all ready for tomorrow's opening?
Ah oui, yes, everything is ready for ze opening.
But, but, have you heard, have you heard the noises?
I've not heard a thing.
Ja - strange noises in the hotel, oui!
I've not heard a thing.
[STRANGE PIANO SOUND]
I told you so!
Strange noises!
Open the door!
Regard!
But...there is nothing there!
How can you explain this?
Je ne sais pas...
Did you see that?!
See what?
There is nothing there.
Claude!
Come back!
Come back, there is nothing!
Claude?
CLAUDE!
Are you there?
AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!
Merde - what a night...
Where IS that man?
Merde! They are here already!
This place is a disaster!
What happened last night?
What...happened... last night?
Bonjour!
Welcome to the Chateau Risdoux.
Come with me, I will show you to your rooms.
You are English?
I'm English, aye.
You sleep in the cellar.
Aye it's proper bonny is France!
Oui, oui.
Have you any of that "Fromage" I've heard about?
Oui, yes. We have lots of fromage.
Je SUIS fromage!
Oui oui, me too(!)
Is that one of your group?
I don't remember seeing her before, mate.
Never?
Where did she...?
Eh, this is properly freaking us out mate, I need a beer!
So they tell me you're a tarot card reader?
I just dabble in that sort of thing.
A little hobby.
Where are you staying?
Oh just at a hotel down the road.
So what brings you to France?
I'm just here on vacation, I'm gonna be headed back home soon.
Ah I need a beer, me!
I think HE'S staying at our hotel too...
Really?
Kind of a "head sense".
Hey...uh...are you staying at the Risdoux as well?
Aye, I thought I recognised ya!
Have a seat.
What's the matter?
Back at the chateau...I saw a grim and foreboding spectre!
A ghost?
Aye!
Hey Ben, YOU'RE a paranormal investigator, aren't you?
You're right...I AM.
Well you gotta come have a look at it man!
You cannay be having ghosts wanderin' round the hotel!
Well then...
LET'S DO THIS!
It's right over here, Mr Jordan.
So you said you saw something? I saw a fearful spectre of a young lassy! Really, where?
It was just over on that swing, you want us to show ye? Sure.
It was right here, Mr Jordan.
Hmm.
Tell me more about this ghost.
It was a young girl, she was swinging on the swing. She didn't look too happy.
Really?
Did she say anything to you?
She didn't say nothin', mate.
Did anybody else see this ghost? Aye! That managaer guy...
Really?
Well then in that case...
I think I need to speak to the manager.
Excuse me!
Are you the manager? Oui, oui!
Jean-Pierre, at your service.
Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too.
How was your night?
Oh I'm not staying here. Then WHY are you on my property?!
I'm actually here to investigate the haunting. My name's Ben Jordan, I'm a paranormal investigator.
Ah! My apologies! How can I help you?
One of your guests saw a ghost with you last night... Has anything else happened?
Actually my porter Clauge, he disappeared last night...
DISAPPEARED! Vanished into THIN...AIR!
I think I need to stay the night. Oui, sure... Come with me.
This... Will be your room.
Oh that's nice, an antique?
Oui, oui!
It was my fathers grandmother's.
Whoa whoa, hey hey - did you SEE that?
See what? I saw nothing!
Yeah... you're right...it is nothing.
E..excuse me... Are you... are you Ben Jordan?
Uh yeah, that's me.
The-the famous paranormal investigator!?
Well I don't know about famous, I mean I'm a paranormal investigator...
Oh Mr Jordan! I'm your BIGGEST fan! I've read about ALL your cases on the AGS forums!
A..GS forums?
Yeah! The... Abnormal Ghost Society?
Ohhh, right, yeah, I er, don't really post on those forums much anymore.
Oh well, um, I was just wondering... Can I...Can I get your AUTOGRAPH?
Uh. Yeah... Sure. Thanks!
(Thanks.)
And er, could you do one for my girlfriend?
Sure.
Uhh...She says I kind of sound like you.
There you go.
Thanks!
Oh wait wait wait wait wait...could you do me one for my mother?
Also?
Thanks! Alright! Thank you.
Yeah... BYE!
OH! OH! Um...
Good luck on your investigation!
Good evening.
Hi(?)
It ist so moy!
It ist so moy!
It ist moy! It ist moy! It is so moy!
Neer har dut?
IT IS SO MOY!
It is so moy!
It is so moy...
It is so moy...
It IS so moy...
It is so moy!
It is soo moy!
ARGH!!
What's going on?
What's going on here, what happened? Someone from the hotel... He DROWNED.
Drowned?
PEOPLE! PEOPLE!
There's nothing to see here.
Go BACK...inside!
NOW!
So what do you think, Bob? I dunno... He didn't seem the sought to commit suicide.
He was a well happy fella!
Now if I were you Mr Jordan, if I were the paranormal investigator in this lark...
...what I'd be doin' is investigating some of the guests in that there hotel.
Not a bad idea.
WHY did someone have to comit SUICICE in MY hotel!!
He was, he was mumbling in Dutch... He said... Something about "beautiful"...
I didn't quite catch it but it was something like, "it is beautiful".
I knew him, he was an easy going guy - seemed happy as well.
No history of any medical issues either. I er...
...I don't think he wanted to kill himself.
Angie!
Excuse me! Are you the janitor?
Hi, I'm Ben Jordan - "paranormal investigator"?
Oui, and I am a busy man. What do you want?
Um, I was just wondering if you had seen or heard anything here last night?
I didn't KILL anyone, if that's what you're here to ask about.
I wasn't asking if you'd KILLED anybody...
GOOD! Because I didn't.
Well I'm sorry to have disturbed you, but do me a favor... If you do hear anything or see anything, just let me know.
I'll be here in the hotel.
Are you done?
Ooo-kay... Well, thanks for your time.
Percival Quentin Jones?!
Well, Mr Jordan! What a pleasent surprise! What are YOU doing in France?!
Oh you know - it's quite stressful working in the city as I do, and I had to get out of the University for a while...
...and come down here, get some fresh air - you know? See the birds singing, the nice hills, the mosquitos, all that...
It's all very relaxing as I'm sure you'll be all too aware!
I wish it was relaxing for me. Have you heard about the...
Oh no no, I'm just here purely for relaxation.
I've just been on a rather nice walk today, I've been coming down this rather lovely river path...
And er, just enjoying the sun, you know?
Would you like some? Oh! Please.
PLUERRHHH!! This is TERRIBLE!
What is THIS, ECTOPLASM?
Evidently you have no taste in fine wines, Mr Jordan.
I suggest you try one of the excellent vinyards around here, where they may be able to get some CULTURE into you!
What?!
WELL anyway - I must be on my way, I've got a long walk to complete. Lovely to see you again old chap.
Good luck with your case, or investigation... ...whatever it is you're up to.
I'll see you later. Bye...Bye professor.
Goodbye.
He's really let himself go!
*CREAK*
Alreet there Mr Jordan? Bob! Hows it going?
Ah not bad mate, not bad. It's a bit late, what ye doin' up this late, shouldn't you be a-kip?
Yeah I'm just keeping a look out. Ah, sounds canny. I might have a watch with ye!
That's great but...are you sure? I mean... Ahh why aye! There's nothin' else goin' on 'ere mate.
Fair enough.
Soooo...
...what's it like, this whole paranormal investigating lark, like?
Well, it's more than just taking pictures of ghosts and orbs and all that stuff.
Aye... I once had a job shearing ships.
So, back in THOSE days, on Thursdays they'd bring up the coal... Drop em in the back yard, six o'clock, your neck of the woods...
...then on FRIDAYS, the minger man - he'd come round... He'd gather up anyone who hadn't had a bath for a week...
It's up to me now.
*BOB SINGS QUIETLY*
*DOOR CREAK*
Oh no, Bob! Bob!
Nyerr....
Oh no!
Ella es tan hermosa...
Hey lady wait!
Wait! Stop!
Ella es tan hermosa...
Lady stop!
Stop, you've gotta stop! Don't do---
Argh!
Oof!
Ella es tan hermosa...
Oh no!
She was a lovely girl. That is her boyfriend...over there... Ronaldo.
People KILL themselves ALL the time, Mr Jordan. We KNOW that - we are from Poland!
We are here to enjoy ourselves, to relax.
And YOU - come with some...of this....DEATH...of yours?
Not even DEATH, can put us off OUR holiday. Right darling?