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Thank you. Thank you. Students, parents, faculty, distinguished guests. I am so honored to be
here at [Insert University] To help you celebrate your graduation.
Even though I didn't attend this school or even live in the area, I'm delighted that
you chose me to drone on for a few minutes to fill you with fleeting inspiration.
I look around and I see the young faces of people ready to timidly step into the next
chapter of their lives with the will and determination to keep the world exactly the same. To those
people I say to you this: You are done learning. Before I go on please let me mention a few
things to ingratiate myself with all of you, even though I've never met the vast majority
of you and will probably leave as soon as I'm done with this speech.
Local cafeteria food, am I right? Everyone hates homework.
The local community. And finally... School mascot. Go horses.
Remember: Your school is awesome. Your rival school sucks.
You know I'm often reminded of the story of the fisherman who catches a shark. The shark
says, "Why did you attack me? We're one and the same."
The fisherman says, "What are you saying? I don't speak Japanese."
Then the shark shoots him with a crossbow. You know since cliche's are often the best
way to express yourself, let me tell you this: As we go forth, let us look forward and also
back and to the left. After all, success and happiness is not a destination, but a journey
to the start of an even greater wanderlust. Time has flown by. Why, yesterday feels like
it just happened tens of hours ago. But remember, this is not the end. It is only
the beginning of the first day of the rest of your life. Because a journey of a thousand
miles begins with a single step and as one door closes another chapter begins on the
threshold of tomorrow. Webster defines "Graduation" as the award
of acceptance of an academic degree or diploma. I find this extremely relevant, since that's
exactly what we're doing here today. Further, I can link this back to my earlier
joke about the shark. Only remember: that wasn't a joke. That was a true story.
It's been a long time since i sat where you sit now and looking back I am struck by just
how hungover I really was. My path after graduation was full of many twists and turns. I begged
for cash on the street. I was a towel boy at the gym. And I worked for President Barack
Obama. Two of those were in fact the same job.
During it all I was guided by the wise words of Bill Cosby who said, "Never help others."
Which, incidentally, is the motto of [Insert School] Bookstore. Am I right? Remember I
tailored this speech specifically for [Insert School]
You know they say that everyone is, at their core, a liar. Therefore, let me impart to
you some of the best advice I've ever gotten by some of my closest personal friends.
From Steve Jobs I've learned that life is extremely easy and fair.
You will succeed in every aspect with little to no effort.
Mail in your coursework. Post your resume online and sit around and wait for something
magical to happen because it will. More than anything life is an inner-tube ride
down an easy river so just sit back and enjoy it.
Do nothing with a sense of urgency because everyone lives forever.
Let me repeat that: Everyone Lives Forever. From Denzel Washington I've learned that failure
on any scale is the worst thing that will ever happen to anyone.
Your first failure will haunt and cripple you for the rest of your days.
Failure means, "It's time to give up." That being said, everyone eventually fails.
Like a black hole, failure is the Wile E. Coyote that no matter how fast you run, it
always catches up to you. It was Denzel who famously said, "You will
fail at some point in your life. Accept it. You will lose."
Failure is unavoidable. All any of us can do is prolong the time between now and our
first failure and then give up once it happens. From Ellen DeGeneres, I learned that your
dreams are wrong. And you should embrace peer pressure.
Eventually you will find a job, preferably one in an office, where you will have to wear
casual business wear all the time, work every day a little bit less than the day before,
and be completely obsessed with how everyone sees you.
Don't forget for even an instant an instant what others think of you because if you do,
in that instant, you will instantly fail. Remember [Rival School]? They follow their
passions and they ignore what other people think about them. And we all know what's going
on with them am I right? From Conan O'Brien I learned that life is
a standard checklist of acquisition and moderate achievement.
Do everything you can to conform to general ideas of happiness: money, possessions, status.
If you have a different idea of what makes you happy, forget it. Immediately. Everyone
has the same path and should follow it blindly. The lesson here is to never think for yourself.
Lastly, from myself, and I cannot stress this enough. I've learned: Don't Ever Laugh. Ever.
If you only remember one thing I've said today, remember this: Life is easy, and you will
never fail as long as you ignore your passions, cave into peer pressure, and never even crack
a smile. These have been the best of your life, studying
with Mr. [Teacher] and drinking at [Local Bar], and every subsequent day after today
will be worse than the day before, so act accordingly.
To today's graduates, I would wish you luck, but remember there is no such thing as luck.
The grades you have gotten have already defined the rest of your life. So follow along and
never stray from your rigidly defined path. As you head out into the world I offer you
the following challenge: Please everyone you can.
Avoid any risk. And embrace mediocracy in every facet.
Go forth, and make no difference whatsoever. Thank you again to [Insert School] for having
me here to speak with you all, final repeat of college bar joke, thank you.
Congratulations to all the recent graduates whether it was grad school, college, or kindergarten.
Watched a whole bunch of really excellent graduation speeches I'll put them in the links
down below. Ah they're really good, obviously not as good
as mine. If you like the video please subscribe to
my channel. If you don't like the video please subscribe to my channel. My name is MaxNoSleeves
and I'll see you next Tuesday.