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narrator: Tonight...
man: Just wait 'til you see
what I've got.
narrator: ... truTV presents...
( man laughing )
... 20 astounding new
inventions.
man: Tired of stretching
just for a sip ?
Avoid stains like this with
the Couch Coozy.
woman: If you can't get up
and put your drink on a table,
something is wrong.
narrator: Revolutionary,
cutting-edge products.
announcer: It's nature's perfect
pillow modeled after nature's
perfect shape.
woman: Do we really
need the thong ?
narrator: And products
that help you cut corners.
man: It's as easy as one, two,
square root of 4,226.
narrator: Plus, you'll meet
the world's tiniest pitchman.
man: This is the greatest
invention ever !
man: Oh, my God, did a wizard
cast a spell on Billy Mays ?
narrator: And find solutions to
problems you may not even know
you have.
announcer: With Creepy Catchers,
no longer worry about earwigs
crawling into your ears.
man: So earwigs crawl
in your ear.
So that would mean that
cockroaches crawl in your...
narrator: Loaded with sincere
endorsements
from our celebrity cast.
Tonya: I kinda look
like a *** carpet,
but I don't feel like one.
narrator: You simply can't
resist this deal.
"truTV Presents: The World's
Smartest Inventions."
So don't delay, get yours now !
Closed Captions Provided by truTV
announcer: Ladies, tired of
being ignored ?
woman: What the hell ?
announcer: Don't be afraid to
flaunt your assets.
man: Jeez...
man: Oh !
man: You see that ?
announcer: Get noticed with
BodyPerks.
Lightweight silicone prosthesis
that enhance your
body's natural shape.
Mike: Oh, it's about time.
The other day I saw a woman,
I couldn't see her
nipples at all.
announcer: Just insert BodyPerks
into your bra.
The proprietary contour design
does the rest.
Tonya: My nipples are in
the wrong spot.
Fix my other one here.
Ready to go out now ?
Nipples by choice.
Judy: Is anyone cold ?
God, I feel a breeze.
Loni: How's it down...
announcer: No matter the mood,
no matter the temperature,
BodyPerks command attention.
Brad: Turkey's done.
man: Say, Bob, that girl
suddenly has erect nipples.
Let's go introduce ourselves
to her.
I bet she likes a good time.
With nipples like that.
announcer: With a tight tee,
a swimsuit or a sexy dress,
BodyPerks give you extra sass
and confidence.
John: For the girl that's
uncomfortable with direct eye
contact,
I suggest these.
Nobody will look you
in the eye again.
announcer: BodyPerks.
men: Yeah !
announcer: Get yours today.
Kevin: But what about when
things go well and you get into
the bedroom and that guy finds
out those nipples weren't real ?
What, nothing happens ?
'Cause no guy cares ?
Exactly.
announcer: Enjoying the great
outdoors can be a fun family
adventure,
until mother nature decides to
loudly call your name.
Introducing the Travel Toilet
for your outdoor needs.
man: Finally, something for
the public pooer.
( farting )
announcer: Whether you're
camping, hunting, boating,
enjoying your favorite outdoor
activity or somewhere
on the job...
Brad: Watching a marathon of
"World's Dumbest."
You know someone's done it.
announcer: The Travel Toilet
is the perfect accessory.
Setting up in seconds, it is
there when you need it.
Mike: Long line
for the bathroom ?
Don't worry, I brought my own.
Danny: You can set it up in
seconds.
Or go behind a bush like
everybody else.
Loni: Leif, give me a leaf.
announcer: The streamlined
Travel Toilet comes with its own
carrying case for easy
transportation and storage.
woman: Hey, Christina, is that
your new Prada bag ?
No, it's my Travel Toilet.
announcer: Another added feature
is the easy-open stainless-steel
pullout toilet paper holder.
Frank: That's the whole idea
of camping.
You go in the woods,
you wipe your *** with a leaf
and that's it.
Look at this thing.
announcer: The Travel Toilet is
made to accommodate
standard bio bags, and with the
specially designed frame,
you can be certain your
bio bag stays secure.
Brendon: You only provide
eight bio bags ?
What am I supposed to
use on day two ?
announcer: Other portable brands
have you sitting on
the waste bag,
but with the Travel Toilet,
wherever you are,
you feel like you're at home.
woman: Yeah, definitely keep it
really close to the campfire.
I don't want you to
miss this ghost story.
announcer: Made of stainless
steel and rugged ABS plastic,
the Travel Toilet ensures
a sturdy and comfortable
experience.
Mike: The Travel Toilet.
It's the ( bleep ) !
Brad: Listen, I know it's
a forest, but I'm gonna
need a match.
announcer: Elegance,
sophistication, convenience.
After 150 years, the tuxedo has
finally received
the improvement it deserves.
It's the first one-piece formal
men's attire by Trillian.
man: Check it.
announcer: The ( bleep )-edo.
Jaime: Can we even say
( bleep )-edo ?
Brad: This is like
for 007's stoner cousin,
420.
commentator: Well, hello !
announcer: Behold a stylish,
functioning tuxedo
merged with the convenience
and comfort of a jumpsuit
to form a fully functional
men's garment.
Chelsea: I don't get it.
Was there a demand for this ?
Billy: I guess this is useful
if, say, the Queen of England
invites you to a--
to a formal changing of the oil.
announcer: The ( bleep )-edo
allows you to go from classy
to casual in seconds.
Mike: Here we go,
ready for a night out.
The ( bleep )-edo.
Naked to fancy-pants.
Okay, here's
the moment of truth.
Yeah !
I feel very fancy.
I might need
the next size up, though.
Maybe.
announcer: A graceful two-way
zipper allows easy access in and
out of this timeless ensemble.
Chuck: Which means, I guess
it doesn't catch my junk.
Daniel: If only these things
were around when I was a kid.
My prom date would have gone
home much, much happier.
Ted: I would bet almost anything
that no ( bleep )-edo wearer
has ever ( bleep)-edo'd a girl.
announcer: The bow tie and
cummerbund are
gracefully sewn in, so you'll
never misplace them again.
Kevin: It's about time, 'cause
my sock drawer is overflowing
with cummerbunds.
announcer: The ( bleep )-edo can
be yours today
for just six easy installments
of $49.99,
plus shipping and handling.
What a deal.
Just call the number below to
order and we promise to suit
your needs or your money back.
Judy: $300 for
the ( bleep )-edo ?
( bleep ) the ( bleep )-edo.
That's what I have to say.
narrator: Coming up...
announcer: If you're a drinker
who keeps losing his beer...
man: Where'd my beer go ?
announcer: ... then you need
the Beer Pager !
Mike: Where is my beer ?
man: Ahhh !
Mike: Oh, there it is !
It's in my belly !
narrator: And, looking to ***
your pooch's ride ?
Chuck: Wow, now man's best
friend is also his worst fashion
accessory.
narrator: Plus,
hands-free video.
A new way to capture life's
important moments on video.
Billy: The great thing about
this is people don't
notice you filming them.
No, it's just a baseball cap.
narrator: When "World's Smartest
Inventions" continues.
announcer: You open
a lot of beers.
man: Cheers !
announcer: But how many
do you finish ?
man: I don't know.
announcer: If you're a drinker
who keeps losing his beer...
man: Where's my beer ?
announcer: ... then you need
the Beer Pager !
Danny: The Beer Pager !
It's like The Clapper for
drunks.
announcer: Simply push
the button on the sleek remote
attached to your belt.
Using flashing lights and
a distinctive sounds...
man: Ahhh !
announcer: ... the Beer Pager
alerts you to the whereabouts of
your beverage.
Daniel: I noticed your pager.
Are you a doctor ?
No.
I'm an alcoholic.
announcer: It may look normal,
but the Beer Pager's simple
exterior hides sophisticated
paging technology.
man: ( burping )
Ahhh !
man: Nice !
Brad: But how am I gonna tell my
belch ringtone
from all the belching of my
gross friends ?
( commentator burping )
Loni: As a child,
I was a Beer Pager.
I would get my mama's beer
all the time.
I'd take a little sip, too.
Sorry, Mama.
announcer: It works up to
60 feet away.
man: Ahhh.
announcer: Even through walls.
Kevin: Just in case your beer
has literally been kidnapped.
Mike: Where is my beer ?
man: Ahhh !
Mike: Oh, there it is !
It's in my belly !
announcer: Act now and get the
Beer Pager for the low, low
price of 19.95.
Christina: The Beer Pager is
the last purchase you make
before you go to rehab.
Leif: Huh ?
announcer: Get the Beer Pager
and never lose a beer again !
The Beer Pager by Weebly.
Brad: Weebly ?
Weebly's a lot more creative
than White Trash, Incorporated.
man: You, you're good.
( woman screaming )
announcer: Are you disgusted by
bugs in your home ?
For every one you see,
there could be hundreds more
creeping around !
Mike: Those are some
enormous bugs.
Chuck M.: Chuck Mango here with
Creepy Catchers,
the world's safest,
most effective insect trap.
Daniel: Stop.
Don't say another word.
You had me at Chuck Mango.
Chuck M.: No longer worry about
poisonous spiders,
swallowing bugs in your sleep,
earwigs crawling into your
ears--
John: Hold on, little man,
let me get this straight.
So earwigs crawl in your ear.
So that would mean that
cockroaches crawl in your...
( man screaming )
Chuck M.: Ideal for centipedes,
cockroaches, nasty jumping bugs
and much more.
Eradicate the bugs for good !
Michael: You know why the bugs
look so big ?
He's ( bleep ) tiny !
Chuck M.: You want
a piece of me ?
They're lured inside where
the super-sticky nontoxic glue
has the strength to catch and
hold even the largest bugs.
Once they're stuck,
the bugs are out of luck.
Kevin: Chuck knows the world's
most effective insect trap
because he's gotten stuck in it.
Chuck M.: For bugs big and
small, Creepy Catchers captures
them all !
Brendon: Hey, Chuck, you got
anything for beard bugs ?
Chuck M.: Now you can get four
professional
Creepy Catcher traps
for just $7.99.
But wait !
Order online now and we'll
double the offer.
Tonya: If you don't have
the money to actually go out and
buy something like that,
just use some duct tape and, you
know, a little peanut butter.
I promise you, if it's
real duct tape, it'll work.
announcer: Don't delay !
Take advantage of our special
limited time offer.
Chuck M.: It's a bug's worst
nightmare !
Billy: Just like Chuck Mango
with fake vampire teeth
is my worst nightmare.
( commentator burping )
announcer: Tired of missing the
perfect video because you had
your hands full ?
man: Where's my damn camera ?
Damn it !
announcer: Introducing
hands-free video recording
with Hatcam.
With Hatcam, you can easily
capture your greatest adventures
to re-watch again and again.
Kevin: Yeah, you could do that.
Or you could just
use your memory.
announcer: The universal camera
mount on Hatcam's brim fits all
tripod-compatible cameras.
Mike B.: You don't get
no camera ?
Not even a little cheap camera
to go with it.
It's just a hat with a screw.
The rest is up to you.
Billy: The great thing about
this is people don't notice you
filming them.
No, it's just a baseball cap.
Brendon: I don't think this is
the right kind of camera to use
for this.
Bryan: How about a shoe cam
so I can see up skirts ?
announcer: Hatcam is great for
vacations, sporting events and
instructional videos.
man: Nice one !
Daisy: Why are we watching
videos of fishing and baseball ?
Where are all the sex videos ?
Danny: ( groaning )
( bleep ) damn it !
Honey, is that the Hatcam ?
Frank: I'm just getting myself
together to do the show.
I definitely wouldn't get laid
with this hat, I can tell.
Brendon: This is a
behind-the-scenes look.
Leif: Oh, there he is.
Brendon: Hey, you the new guy ?
Leif: Oh-- I'm the new guy ?
Wait, you're the new guy.
Brendon: Nah, dude.
I've been doing this for, like--
Leif: Excuse me, bro.
Come on.
I've been here since season one.
Brendon: Bro.
Leif: What about you ?
Brendon: I've been here
since 9:00.
Leif: Oh, good one.
Congratulations, welcome.
announcer: The affordable Hatcam
comes in a variety of colors
and adjusts to fit
any size head.
Chuck M.: Here's my trip to
New York City !
The Statue of Liberty !
The Empire State Building !
I even met Donald Trump !
announcer: So don't delay,
order Hatcam today !
man: Yeah !
Mike T.: Well, I'm working on
Camhats, little hats to put on
top of your camera.
It's adorable.
announcer: You love taking your
dog out on the town
but keeping him on a leash can
be a real drag.
John: You know, you carry your
dog around and it really takes
up your hand.
announcer: If only there was
a way to take your dog with you
that keeps him safe
and your hands free.
Well, now there is.
Introducing the Puppoose.
Daniel: I don't even care what
this thing is.
I just instinctively buy
anything that's crocheted.
announcer: The Puppoose is the
most ergonomically designed
natural way to carry your pet.
The luxuriously
lightweight soft fabric
makes using this
carrier a breeze.
Chuck N.: Wow, now man's best
friend is also his
worst fashion accessory.
man: Yeah, very cute.
Wait 'til I crap
from three feet in the air.
announcer: Just ease your
four-legged friend
through the four comfy holes,
secure with a safety strap and
you're ready to hit the road.
Bryan: I have one just like
that, only mine is bigger.
And it has three holes.
You do the math.
Billy: This is the kind of
device that seems to require
a lot of cooperation
on the dog's part, or maybe--
maybe a powerful sedative.
announcer: Now your dog goes
wherever you go.
To the office,
to the mall or even a party.
Mike T.: Finally, me and my
stupid tiny dog can express our
love through the magic of dance.
announcer: In rain, sleet or
snow, Puppoose keeps your pooch
best in show.
Brendon: What's the weather like
outside today ?
Is it doing some weird
cartoonish rain
or snow or something ?
Billy: Okay, Meadow,
come on, okay.
This is gonna be fun,
it's a Puppoose.
announcer: Puppoose comes in
three sizes and fits small dogs
up to 22 pounds
and the Puppoose can be
yours for only $60.
So don't leave Fido behind,
get your Puppoose today !
Billy: Ta-da !
He loves it !
John: Now with the Puppoose,
I'm hands-free.
See ya !
Loni: Where's my lip gloss ?
Thanks, Chuck Mango !
He's so sweet.
narrator: Coming up, don't leave
home without it !
announcer: It's wearable hair
that you can wear anywhere !
Kevin: This is for the man who
sees a regular toupee
and decides, that's not quite
embarrassing enough for me.
narrator: And...
announcer: Poop Freeze.
The pet product that uses a
patented process to freeze and
harden the poop.
woman: Look !
Frozen !
Nothing.
I barely tasted it.
narrator: Plus...
announcer: Introducing
the Razorba.
It's the do-it-yourself solution
to unsightly back hair.
Bryan: Thanks, Razorba !
Now I don't have to ask the
lifeguard to shave
my back for me.
narrator: It's all coming up
when "World's Smartest
Inventions" continues.
announcer: Do you have trouble
getting a good night's sleep ?
Are you constantly tossing and
turning, trying to find the
perfect position of comfort ?
Daisy: What is with this
scary-looking spokesmodel ?
announcer: If your current
pillow makes it difficult to
relax and sleep easily,
you can now rest assured.
The *** Pillow is the product
you've been waiting for.
Brendon: I have been waiting for
this my whole life.
woman: Hello ?
Brendon: Yeah, honey ?
woman: Yes ?
Brendon: The only reason I was
dating you was so I could rest
my head on your ***,
and now I don't--
I have a new thing, so...
woman: What ?
Brendon: Have a nice life,
baby !
announcer: It's nature's perfect
pillow, modeled after nature's
perfect shape.
Tonya: You know, if I wanted to
see my butt in a G-string,
I'd just look in the mirror,
all right ?
Leif: Woo !
Frank: *** Pillow.
Judy: Do we really
need the thong ?
Brad: That is the last thing
I want to lay on.
Ben: My girl is always on
the road for business,
so I don't get to cuddle with
her the way I like to.
Thanks to *** Pillow, I feel
like she's still here.
John: Doesn't this
come in a bigger size ?
What am I gonna do when
Loni's on the road ?
I mean, it's nothing.
announcer: The *** Pillow is
made to provide maximum comfort
wherever you use it.
Use it at the office
to ease back pain,
use it in your bed to sleep,
use it on the couch while
watching a movie.
You can use it anywhere ?
Kevin: You can use it in
the bed, the office,
or anywhere else you
feel like you've been getting
too much respect.
announcer: Order now and get the
*** Pillow for the low price
of just $29.99.
Ted: It lasts so much longer
than a real truncated cadaver,
which costs like
30 bucks at the morgue.
announcer: *** Pillow.
It's the perfect asset to a good
night's sleep.
Billy: Honey, I think your
*** Pillow needs to
lose a few pounds.
Oh, oh, that's you.
I'm so sorry.
announcer: Oh, no !
It looks like your dog has left
you another surprise
and it's up to you
to pick it up.
Leif: There's nothing worse than
actually grabbing your dog's
warm hot, gooey feces.
announcer: But now there's
a better way.
Introducing Poop Freeze,
the pet product that does
exactly what it
sounds like it does.
( Frank blowing raspberry )
Poop Freeze uses a patented
process to freeze
and harden the poop,
making it easier to handle.
All you have to do is point,
spray and take it away.
Kevin: Just in case we ever get
the technology in the future,
maybe we can revive it.
commentator: Woo-hoo, yeah !
Mike T.: Works great.
woman: Look !
Frozen.
Nothing.
I barely tasted it.
announcer: Plus, it helps
eliminate the mess
and potential health risks
unattended animal droppings can
cause your pet and your family.
Michael: Who needs this ?
It's ( bleep ), okay ?
Hot and steamy,
fresh or frozen,
you're handling poop.
John: Good boy !
Look at that !
Bryan: No mess, no fuss !
Not just for the dog.
Judy: You see, we've got
hundreds of these at home !
From our trip to
the Grand Canyon,
Yellowstone,
oh, and that time we had
some bad Mexican food.
commentator: Stupid *** !
announcer: So why deal with the
mess when you can just frost it
and toss it with
Poop Freeze for only $9.99 ?
Loni: Frost and toss, baby,
frost and toss.
Billy: Okay, I'm gonna freeze
your poop !
announcer: Call now and we'll
double the offer
and include a second can free !
You get two cans of Poop Freeze
now for only $9.99,
but you have to call now.
Daniel: If you have to pick just
one ( bleep ) freezing spray,
make it Poop Freeze.
announcer: Introducing
the Bra Baby,
the smart way to baby your bra.
Bra Baby is the revolutionary
new washing system
that protects your finest bras
from the ravages
of the washing machine.
Daisy: Oh, this is
disappointing.
It's not a bra for my baby ?
announcer: Watch this.
We took two identical bras and
washed and dried them
each 50 times,
one the old-fashioned way
and one with the Bra Baby !
Judy: 50 times ?
I've only washed my bra, like...
I've never washed my bra.
announcer: Traditional washing
and drying ruined this bra,
leaving it lumpy and creased,
but the Bra Baby bra
looks as good as new.
Frank: Why is the bra so more
delicate than my underwear ?
I throw my ( bleep )
in the dryer and washer,
still fits,
still holds my package.
announcer: Bra Baby is as simple
to use as one, two, three !
Simply hook the straps together,
place around the inner shell,
then tuck, and snap the outer
shell around the bra.
Loni: I just want to
wash my bra.
I shouldn't have to do
a Rubik's cube to get it clean.
Danny: The--
The Bra Baby !
It's actually harder to get open
than a Catholic
schoolgirl's bra !
announcer: With its unique
Flo-Thru design,
the Bra Baby allows water to
gently clean your delicates
while it protects
them from the agitator
and from the weight of the other
clothes in the spin cycle.
Best of all,
Bra Baby is dryer safe.
man: Ahh...
For the love of God,
someone turn that thing down !
Bryan: I can use this
for my G-strings, too.
And my hamster.
commentator: I don't want it !
I get my bras dry-cleaned.
Danny: Five more pounds, I'll
actually need one of those.
I have "moobs."
announcer: Bra Baby, the smart
way to baby your bra.
Brad: It comes in
two nifty sizes:
Loni Love...
or Chelsea Peretti.
Wahh-wahh.
announcer: Ladies not even aware
you're there ?
Well, make them stare
with the all-new Flair Hair.
It's wearable hair that you can
wear anywhere !
Kevin: This is for the man who
sees a regular toupee
and decides, you know what ?
That's not quite embarrassing
enough for me.
announcer: Get the Flair Hair
visor and you'll always get
the best kind of attention.
Ted: Hair attached to a visor.
Why didn't I think of that ?
Oh, 'cause I have self-respect.
announcer: From the golf
course...
man: Yeah, nice !
announcer: ... to the boardroom,
it's always cool
to look this hot.
Judy: I don't know if this is
gonna fly in the bedroom.
Christina: I like the nerdiness
of a sun visor
combined with the ugliness
of Muppet hair.
That's hot.
man: The Flair Hair make you
feel freaky and fresh,
it'll makes you feel
fresh and freaky,
it make you feel freaky, freaky,
fresh, freaky,
fresh, fresh, freaky.
announcer: Inspired by young,
cutting-edge fashion,
Flair Hair gives you
eye-popping style.
Brad: Young Brad.
Old Brad.
Young Brad.
Old Brad.
man: First time I wore my
Flair Hair, I was constantly
approached by women.
I made three separate dinner
dates the first day.
Jaime: Those women approached
you 'cause they wanted to get
a closer look at your lie.
announcer: Get added confidence
and make that much-needed change
to your life.
Wes: What are you talking
about ?
Every day is like Flair Hair
for me.
Chris: Balding men don't need
tricks like this,
they just use a bandanna.
Right, Leif ?
announcer: Flair Hair.
Be as stylish as you dare.
narrator: Coming up:
The world's most
versatile garment.
announcer: It can be
worn as a dress,
a halter, a vest.
Daniel: Truly, we are
living in the future.
narrator: And, more hairy
contraptions.
announcer: The elastic hair band
fits gently and snugly
around her developing
little head.
Judy: My baby is
so ( bleep ) ugly !
But not anymore !
Look !
Isn't she cute ?
narrator: Plus, a safe and
restful sleep can now be yours.
man: The Bed Bunker holds up to
35 rifles and 70 handguns.
Danny: I've heard of keeping
protection by your bedside,
but this is ridiculous.
narrator: Next, when "World's
Smartest Inventions" continues.
man: Oh, what a happy
little guy !
woman: Girl !
announcer: She's your precious
darling...
she's your smiling sweetheart.
woman: Oh, he is so cute !
woman: She !
announcer: But why don't they
know your little lady
is a little lady ?
woman: Hair, that's what !
announcer: That's right.
It takes time for baby girls to
develop those long
luxurious locks,
that's why you need Baby Bangs.
Baby Bangs is the hairpiece
accessory that gives baby girls
a beautifully
realistic hairstyle in a snap.
Bryan: There's nothing more
disgusting than a bald little
baby head.
Ugh.
Chelsea: Baby Bangs,
for the deep-feeling parent
who's patient and tolerant of
their child's natural
development.
Frank: They got the ( bleep )
Beatle haircut.
They look like Ringo.
( rim shot )
announcer: The elastic hair band
fits gently and snugly around
her developing little head.
Ted: Then you can duct-tape the
baby to your passenger seat
and use the carpool lane.
A little goatee helps, too.
Brad: It could be Baby Bangs
or it could just be
an Italian bride's garter.
( rim shot )
Brendon: Makes a pretty cool
wristband, too !
Yeah, Slayer rules !
Slayer, Slayer, Slayer !
announcer: Baby Bangs are
perfect for keepsake photographs
or anytime your baby wants to
greet her adoring
public in style.
Judy: My baby is
so ( bleep ) ugly !
But not anymore !
Look !
Isn't she cute ?
John: What do you think, buddy ?
Look at that face.
announcer: Get Baby Bangs
at fine gift stores
for only $29.95.
woman: She is so precious.
And what lovely hair !
woman: Thanks, Baby Bangs !
Wes: Kids, it's never too early
to start wearing a toupee.
Just ask Leif Garrett.
Leif: Aw, ( bleep ).
Forget it,
I'm not doing this one.
announcer: Face it.
Nobody likes a hairy back.
But there's been no
easy way to clean it up.
Until now !
Introducing the Razorba.
Brad: Now I know what to get
Judy for Hanukkah.
Frank: This will be a big seller
in the Middle East.
The ( bleep ) Iranians
will love this ( bleep ).
Mike T.: I don't have time to
care about hair being in weird
places on my body,
I'm a man !
I have machines to build
and wild horses to tame.
( horse neighing )
announcer: Razorba is a durable,
flexible extender.
No need for a new razor, it fits
the one you already have.
Daniel: Given that I already
wash with a rag on a stick,
why not shave with
a razor on one ?
( laughing )
Brad: Oh, God !
Oh, I should have just lived
with a hairy back !
Mike B.: Who's gonna put
aftershave on your back after
you do that ?
announcer: This year, get every
hard-to-reach place before you
go to the beach.
No more toxic chemicals.
No more asking for help.
Bryan: Thanks, Razorba,
now I don't have to ask the
lifeguard to
shave my back for me.
Marianne: Well, I guess my
husband and I will
have to figure out
another way to bond.
Here you go.
Have fun.
Leif: If you can't reach your
nut sack or your back,
I don't think you should be
shaving there.
Chelsea: You know, another way
for men to rid yourself
of back hair is you put
Saran Wrap on your
living room floor,
you cover it in Nair and roll
around like a little pig.
Or Razorba.
Whichever floats your boat.
announcer: Get back at back hair
with the Razorba.
Order now !
John: I love the Razorba,
because chicks dig
a hairless back.
How'd I do ?
announcer: Next time you're
feeling down, feeling that
no one really gets you
or you're just wanting to hear
some encouraging words,
well, there's a solution.
man: That dream you're
going for,
that career you want,
that recognition you're
seeking, it is yours !
announcer: The "Cheers to You"
CD is eight tracks
filled with encouragement
and cheering applause.
man: You can do it.
The finish line is closer
than you think.
Chuck N.: Just what I need,
a CD that lies to me !
Please, I have a wife for that.
man: We're on your side,
we're here for you.
Wes: Finally, something to
replace the Jock Jams
in my CD player.
man: You can do it.
commentator: Yeah !
man: The finish line is closer
than you think.
Chuck M.: There's nothing
I can't do.
man: You're doing a great job !
Chuck M.: Nothing
can hold me down !
man: And now success is yours !
Judy: Yeah, like I believe that
( bleep ).
man: It's all because of your
commitment to yourself.
You've earned it !
We believe in you !
Kevin: That's probably because
you've never met me.
If you knew me,
you would not believe.
announcer: We guarantee you'll
be feeling better about yourself
and your life, or we'll give you
your money back.
Loni: You wanna feel better
about yourself ?
Just watch our show.
John: Call me, I'll tell you
you're not a piece of ( bleep ).
I'll tell you that you are
the best guy on the planet.
Pay me,
I'll tell you anything.
Mike T.: Everyone wants to know
what you're talking 'bout.
Todd: This saves me from having
to do actually something
commendable !
Thanks, "Cheers to You."
( cheers and applause )
Mike T.: Everyone knows you were
the better skater
and you're prettier, too !
( cheers and applause )
Uh, nice bandanna ?
( cheers and applause )
announcer: But right now, you
can get them for only 24.95.
Call now and don't forget...
man: Hooray for you !
Daisy: Wait a minute.
I'm starting to think that the
guy on the CD
said the same thing to all of
those people.
I don't feel special.
man: Hooray for you !
announcer: Feeling slightly
chilly ?
Left out in the cold ?
Well, not anymore.
Introducing the carry-able,
flexible, multi-wearable
Slinky Scarf.
It's the scarf that's
so versatile,
it can be worn as a dress,
a halter, a vest
and so many more ways.
Daniel: All these different
looks from a single garment.
Truly, we are living
in the future.
Brendon: There's this option,
then if you're
feeling a little crazy,
there's this option.
announcer: Imagine having one
accessory that's
as light as a feather
and can create dozens of styles.
You'll love the luxurious
Slinky Scarf for any occasion.
Chelsea: Do you want to look
like a cheap pillow ?
Get over here !
Kevin: It can also be paired
with formalwear
if you feel like you might be in
danger of looking too classy.
Tonya: I kind of look like
a *** carpet,
but I don't feel like one.
announcer: There's a Slinky
Scarf style just for you.
Choose from a wide array of
colors to match any outfit
from casual to elegant.
Wear it any way, any day.
Judy: I can't wait to wear this
on my next trip to Afghanistan !
Mike T.: This thing just
keeps growing, huh ?
It's like coming down a fuzzy
birth canal.
Marianne: It could be a dress,
it could be a paper towel,
it could be--
It could be a noose !
announcer: So go sexy, elegant,
casual, and be fabulous.
Brad: You know what's even
better than the front ?
The back.
( commentator whistling )
Tonya: I gotta have
one of these.
I think it's sexy looking.
Michael: That's pretty bad-***.
announcer: It's carry-able,
it's flexible,
it's multi-wearable.
Slinky Scarf.
Billy: Yeah, honey,
I'll be done soon.
Can you put on the--
Can you put on the scarf for
when I come home ?
Yeah, with--
with nothing on underneath ?
commentator: That's not gonna
happen.
Billy: Okay.
Oh, it was just an idea.
narrator: Coming up:
Do you suffer from male urinary
inconvenience ?
man: I really gotta go !
narrator: Then you need
Stadium Pal !
Chuck N.: The Stadium Pal,
it's like a catheter.
Well, no, it'-- it's a catheter.
narrator: And...
announcer: It's the perfect gift
for the lady who just
can't keep the fellas away.
Brad: This takes all the fun out
of telling a dude
you're a lesbian.
narrator: Plus...
man: Just watch !
narrator: A tool
you can't live without.
man: Take the fish and...
Voila !
man: The Wunder *** !
Leif: Okay, I--
Y'know, I heard the name,
I got excited,
and then I found out what it's
for and I got really excited.
narrator: It's all coming up on
"The World's Smartest
Inventions."
announcer: Your friends
are here.
Your beer is here.
But the restroom
is way over there.
man: Dude, I really gotta go.
You coming ?
man: No, bro, I'm good.
man: I don't know
how you do it, man.
announcer: He does it with
Stadium Pal !
Stadium Pal, an amazing
new product that lets you go
whenever you have to go
and nobody has to know.
With our unique liquid-transfer
technology system,
fluid travels down through
a sterile tube
and into the discreet
odor-sealed waste-collection
reservoir.
Chuck N.: The Stadium Pal,
it's like a catheter.
Well, no, it--
it's a catheter.
Ted: If you're calling your
urinating receptacle a "pal,"
your urinating in public might
be affecting your social life.
Daniel: What's that, Bill ?
You got two tickets
for the game ?
Hell yeah, I'm in.
Let me just strap
a pee bag on my leg.
Leif: Oh, my God.
I need this for
my next drug test.
This is perfect.
Can I take this home ?
announcer: Stadium Pal comes
complete with
everything you need,
including a size gauge,
to make sure you get
a snug, drip-free fit.
Mike B.: So you better not leave
your Stadium Pal over
if a chick comes over,
'cause she gonna look at it and
go, oh, he got
the little pal.
Brad: Ew !
Ew, it's sticky !
Oh, my God !
It's like a ***
that won't go away.
announcer: And now,
there's Stadium Gal, too,
because the ladies' room line
is always longer.
Mike T.: Fantastic.
Looks like your ***'s gonna
go scuba diving.
Tonya: No.
No.
No, I'll hold it, thank you.
announcer: So get hassle-free,
odor-free
Stadium Pal or Stadium Gal.
Danny: Stadium Pal, Stadium Gal.
Which one does Judy Gold use ?
announcer: Stadium Pal,
keep the party going,
even when you're going ?
Frank: Isn't it easier to just
go take a *** ?
That's what I think.
Just saying, you know.
John A.: Hello,
my name's John Adrain.
Today I'm gonna show you some
features of our
revolutionary Bed Bunker.
Christina: He seems like he
might have an enemy...
or 500.
John A.: The Bed Bunker is made
in the USA,
is a concealed safe that
replaces your box springs,
fits any standard-size bed.
Chuck N.: You know what else
works like a Bed Bunker ?
Uh, what are they called ?
A safe !
John A.: The multi-locks are the
highest security locks
available in the industry,
the safe holds up to
35 rifles and 70 handguns.
Danny: I've heard of keeping
protection by your bedside,
but this is ridiculous.
Mike T.: Have a disturbing
amount of weapons
that you want to keep near you
while you sleep to fight off
your sleep demons ?
We have something for you.
Loni: I wouldn't put guns under
there, but I'll probably
put some cupcakes.
Frank: I would have had it more
for like jewels and diamonds to
hide from your wife
when she divorces you.
Ted: This would be a great place
for Todd's dwarf.
Chuck M.: Todd !
Wait, wait, wait, wait !
John A.: People have asked me,
how long does it take
to access your Bed Bunker ?
It takes less than ten seconds.
Guns are right beneath you, so
you can access them in a hurry.
Mike B.: What are you gonna tell
somebody that's
coming to rob you ?
Go back 11 seconds and then
let's do this again.
John A.: We all want a secure
place to store our belongings,
now with the Bed Bunker,
the safest place to keep your
money is the safest place to
keep your guns.
Chelsea: This product
speaks to me
because I already sleep on top
of a big pile of guns and money,
but I never thought about
putting a mattress on top.
announcer: Tired of stretching
and straining just for a sip ?
Avoid stains like this
with the Couch Coozy,
the amazing new
between-the-cushions cupholder
that saves your
sofa and your sanity.
Ted: There goes my idea
for a disposable couch.
Kevin: You know, I've been
saying this for years,
is that we need to find a way to
make drinking from the couch
less physically demanding.
announcer: Stop the struggle and
say goodbye to nasty rings.
Just attach the fin
and slide it in.
With Couch Coozy, refreshment is
never out of reach.
Mike T.: What looks worse,
a stain or a Couch Coozy ?
I don't know,
I think it's a draw.
Chris: Italian grandmas who are
sick of plastic
would eat this up.
announcer: And the
beverage-leverage technology
means your drinks are always
safe and secure.
Mike B.: This is perfect if you
like to jump on the couch
while you watch TV.
announcer: But it gets even
better.
Tell us why you love your
Couch Coozy and you could appear
in the next nationwide
Couch Coozy commercial.
Frank: What kind of loser,
really, would want to be on this
infomercial ?
Chuck N.: Once I reached for a
drink on the coffee table
and boom, my back goes out.
No more baby !
Thanks, Couch Coozy !
Kevin: You know, if you combine
the Travel Toilet
with the Couch Coozy,
you might not ever have to leave
the couch again.
Leif: Couch Coozy, right ?
That's what I'm talking about.
John E.: Listen, you're partying
with Loni late at night,
you got nowhere to put
your drink-- boom !
announcer: Just attach the fin
and slide it in
so call or go online now to hear
what people are saying about
Couch Coozy
and get your free in-home trial.
Billy: The problem is that a lot
of people who
would want this product
are just too lazy to get up off
the couch and order it.
announcer: Ladies, are you sick
of getting hit on by losers ?
man: What's up, ladies ?
announcer: At the bar.
At the gym.
Even at the pool.
Mike T.: Oh, so sorry you've
been bothered with the constant
attention and free drinks.
That must be awful.
Wear the ring that says
you're taken.
MsTaken !
Chuck N.: Show me that
ring all you want.
Now you're just a challenge.
I'm like hey.
Bryan: Oh, that woman's married
and that's a pretty big diamond
so the guy's probably rich.
I don't have
a chance with that chick.
Roger: I'm sure Stallone has
seen this a lot.
announcer: The MsTaken
femme fatale ring package
comes with a blingin'
two-karat Australian crystal.
Wes: Australian crystal ?
Uh-uh.
announcer: A sleek key chain
ring case and a stylish jewelry
box that holds it all together.
Brad: Oh, and it comes
with a little mirror
so that you can look at your
lonely, sad face
in a bar alone.
announcer: It's the perfect gift
for the lady who just can't keep
the fellas away.
Marianne: But does it come with
a real husband ?
Where's the husband ?
announcer: Call the number on
your screen.
Buy the ring that says
you're taken.
MsTaken !
Mike T.: Now you can pretend
it's your vending machine
wedding ring
that scares men away, not your
( bleep ) personality.
Brad: This takes all the fun out
of telling a dude
you're a lesbian.
man: Ugh.
narrator: Tonight, we've seen
19 new inventions.
man: Yeah !
narrator: Each more brilliant
than the last.
man: Hooray for you !
narrator: How did we ever
survive without them ?
man: Nice !
narrator: But only one amazing
device can stand atop this
hallowed heap.
The number-one smartest
invention of all will be here in
all its glory.
Chuck M.: This is the greatest
invention ever !
man: Got another one here !
man: Great, got it !
man: Woo-hoo !
man: Yeah !
man: Okay, who wants to clean
and de-bone 'em ?
man: I'll do it.
man: What gives ?
You want to do it ?
man: Just wait 'til you
see what I've got.
It's the Wunder ***.
Tonya: The name could use work.
I mean, we're all thinking,
okay, what are these guys gonna
do with this fish, right ?
man: You just assemble the
Wunder ***'s stainless-steel
rods like this.
Kevin: Well, the first time
I used the Wunder ***,
I remember, I was at the
chalkboard in middle school,
it was very embarrassing.
Oh, a different thing ?
man: You take the fish,
you find the top of the spine
and you slide it through the
ring on the Wunder ***, and...
Voila !
Leif: Okay, you know, I heard
the name, I got excited,
and then I found out what it's
for and I got really excited.
man: The Wunder ***.
man: My wife would like that.
Chuck N.: I bet your wife
would like that.
I mean, de-*** fish,
of course.
Loni: This dude has a wife ?
Wow.
That's a wonder.
Judy: Yeah, she's playing with
the Wunder ***
right now while you're out
fishing with your
friends, okay ?
announcer: Why go through
the hassle of de-boning a fish
the old-fashioned way ?
The Wunder *** makes de-boning
fish this easy.
Chelsea: This is great for when
I am de-boning
some char white fish or salmon,
which is something I never do.
man: I think
the Wunder ***'s a winner.
man: So, Dave, where did you get
the Wunder *** ?
Dave: It's funny you should ask.
Michael: You got three dudes
alone on a fishing trip.
This is more like
"Deliverance."
announcer: Order your Wunder
*** now for only $19.95.
Brad: If you could really get
a Wunder *** for $19.95,
I would never leave my house.
Dave: Just wait 'til you see
what I've got.
It's the Wunder ***.
( belching )
Danny: Wow.
Frank: Excuse me,
you talking to me ?
Brendon: I've been
"***-eyes'd."
Marianne: See you in
a couple minutes !
( Loni laughing )
Judy: Hi, I'm here
for the job interview ?
Ted: You want a beer ?
Brad: Oh, no, you're a baby !
Judy: I'm here for the
parent-teacher conference.
Billy: Okay.
So far so good.
Wait a minute.
Oh !
Ran right into traffic.