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EBONY NARRATING: Hi, my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black
hair - that’s how I got my name - with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back
and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee.
I’m a vampire, but my teeth are straight and white. I’m also a witch and I go to
a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year. I’m a "goff",
in case you couldn’t tell, and I wear mostly black.
DRACO: Hey, Ebony! EBONY NARRATING: I looked up. It was... Draco
Malfoy! EBONY: What’s up, Draco?
DRACO: Nothing. EBONY NARRATING: But then, I heard my friends
call me and I had to go away. The next day I woke up in my bedroom. I opened the door
of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My friend Willow woke up then and grinned
at me. WILLOW: OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy
yesterday! EBONY: Yeah, so?
WILLOW: Do you like Draco? EBONY: No, I so f***ing don’t!
WILLOW: Yeah right! EBONY NARRATING: Just then, Draco walked up
to me. DRACO: Hi.
EBONY: Hi. DRACO: Guess what?
EBONY: What? DRACO: Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert
in Hogsmeade. EBONY: Oh - my - f***ing - God! I love GC.
They are my favorite band, besides MCR. DRACO: Well, do you want to go with me?
EBONY NARRATING: I gasped. On the night of the concert, I put on my black lace-up boots
with high heels. I painted my nails black and put on tons of black eyeliner. Then I
put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I
felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I went outside. Draco was waiting
there in front of his flying car. EBONY: Hi, Draco.
DRACO: Hi, Ebony. EBONY NARRATING: When we got there, we both
hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up
and down as we listened to Good Charlotte. EBONY: Joel is so f***ing hot.
EBONY NARRATING: The night went on really well and I had a great time. So did Draco.
After the concert, Draco didn’t go back into Hogwarts. Instead, he drove the car into...
the Forbidden Forest! EBONY: What the f***ing hell?
EBONY NARRATING: Draco leaned in extra close and then... suddenly just as I Draco kissed
me passionately, Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out. Then he put his
thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.
DUMBLEDORE: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YOU MOTHERFUKERS!
EBONY NARRATING: It was...
...Dumbledore.
Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. When we went back to the castle, Dumbledore
took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall, who were both looking very angry.
DUMBLEDORE: They were having *** intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!
McGONAGALL: Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?
DRACO: BECAUSE I LOVE HER! EBONY NARRATING: Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore
and Professor McGonagall still looked mad. SNAPE: Fine. Very well. You may go up to your
rooms. EBONY NARRATING: Draco and I went upstairs
while the teachers glared at us. The next day I woke up in my coffin. In the Great Hall,
I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk. Suddenly someone bumped into
me. EBONY: ***!
EBONY NARRATING: I regretted saying it when I looked up 'cause I was looking into the
pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it.
VAMPIRE: I'm so sorry. EBONY: That's all right. What's your name?
VAMPIRE: My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me "Vampire" these days.
EBONY: Why? VAMPIRE: Because I love the taste of human
blood. EBONY: Well, I am a vampire.
VAMPIRE: Really? EBONY: Yeah!
EBONY NARRATING: We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told
me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. I went upstairs excitedly with Draco.
We went into his room and locked the door. Then... we started frenching passively. And
then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX!
EBONY: Oh Draco, Draco! EBONY NARRATING: All of a sudden, I saw a
tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through
it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words... "Vampire"! I was so angry.
EBONY: You ***! DRACO: No! No! But you don't understand!
EBONY: No, you f***ing idiot! You probably have AIDS anyway!
EBONY NARRATING: I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though
he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what, but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and
did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor
Snape and some other people. EBONY: VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERF***ER!
EBONY NARRATING: Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even
though he was naked. DRACO: Ebony, it's not what you think!
EBONY NARRATING: My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. Hermione was kidnapped
when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch. It also turns
out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. SNAPE: What is it that you desire, you ridiculous
***! EBONY: Vampire, I can't believe you cheated
on me with Draco! VAMPIRE: But I'm not going out with Draco
anymore! EBONY: Yeah f***ing right! F*** off, you ***!
EBONY NARRATING: I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost
my "virility" to Draco. Then all of a "suddenly", an horrible man with red eyes and no nose
and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick. It was... Voldemort!
VOLDEMORT: Ebony, thou must kill Vampire Potter! EBONY NARRATING: I thought about Vampire and
his "sexah" eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden.
EBONY: No, Voldemort! VOLDEMORT: Thou must! If thou does not, then
I shall kill thy beloved Draco! EBONY: How did you know?
EBONY NARRATING: Voldemort got a "dude-ur-so-retarded" look on his face.
VOLDEMORT: I hath telekinesis. And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what
will happen to Draco! EBONY NARRATING: Then he flew away angrily
on his broomstick. I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came
into the woods. EBONY: Draco! Hi!
DRACO: Hi. EBONY: I'm sorry I got all mad at you, but
I thought you cheated on me. DRACO: That's okay.
EBONY NARRATING: And we went back into Hogwarts together making out. I was really scared about
"Vlodemort" all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody
Gothic Rose 666. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound
like a cross between GC, Slipknot, and MCR. The other people in the band are B'loody Mary,
Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now), and "Hargrid".
B'LOODY MARY: Ebony, are you okay? EBONY: What the f*** do you think? Voldemort
came and the f***ing *** told me to f***ing kill Harry! But if I don't kill Harry, then
Voldemort will f***ing kill Draco! DRACO: Why didn't you f***ing tell me!
EBONY NARRATING: Then he ran out crying. We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly
Dumbeldore walked in angrily. DUMBLEDORE: What have you done! Ebony, Draco
has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.
EBONY NARRATING: I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting, but he
had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. Then I
slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into
the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I was so f***ing depressed!
I got out of the bathtub. Then I looked out the window and screamed. "Snap" was spying
on me and he was taking a video tape of me. And Lupin was masticating to it!
EBONY: EW, YOU F***ING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!
EBONY NARRATING: "Hargrid" ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.
DUMBLEDORE: What do you know, "Hargrid"? You're just a little Hogwarts student!
HAGRID: I may be a Hogwarts student, but I am also a Satanist!
SNAPE: This cannot be. There must be other factors.
EBONY: You don't have any! LUPIN: Why are you doing this?
HAGRID: Because... because... SNAPE: Because you're "goffic"?
HAGRID: Because I love her!