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In today's episode we are going to talk about the different types of
conflict
did you know that there are typically three types of conflict
we're going to go through the specifics each
how you can manage each type conflict
and how a mediator or a neutral third party
can intervene and help the process along
so lets get started. Now the three times a conflict include
the underground conflicts volcanic
conflict and repetitive complex now again we're gonna go through the specific is
the specifics of each and how
a neutral third party can help the process along
or help bridge some overcome some of the pitfalls that happen
within the context each type of conflict
so what is in underground conflict
now these issues are just that
conflicts that are buried underground
and they're just below the surface people have
those feelings of resentment and frustration
but they don't say anything because they hate the outcome
of having an intense or emotional conversation
or a confrontation with someone so they avoid them in
bury them deep and
so what usually leads to
this type of conflict is the fact sometimes people don't feel heard in the
first place word they're not in
the habit or in the belief that they can advocate for themselves
in a way that is constructive. Perhaps in the past when they master something
they've had a negative pushback so that taught them
not really say much really say what they need in a relationship
so how can mediator help
in the way that these underground complex well
a mediator is the perfect person to intervene
because give both parties an opportunity to say what they need to
say
and ask for the things they haven't asked
or to say the unspoken the mediators job
is to help balance the power between
the two parties and they do that by giving them
both an opportunity to voice their their opinions
their thoughts and their particular perspective
and what they think the nature of the
relationship should be like and
the mediator also helps sort of ask those clarifying questions
and test assumptions to see if maybe what they're asking
is not within the capacity around what the other person can actually give them
so mediators can ask those questions
by being a neutral third party because it's not directly involved in the
day-to-day operations in the relationship so they can be more
objective about thinking about
how their approaching a particular problem or issue or a situation
and it's that neutrality that can
sort of give them the freedom to ask
the other person in terms trending up more information about what they really
mean
what do they really want and
to also give the other person an opportunity say
is that something that you could honestly realistically do
and sometimes they say no I'm not gonna did in some gonna do then
okay then what knowing what you know now
what do you think is a reasonable outcome what is reasonable
contribution you that you can make so the other person's needs wants and desires
are taken care of and the other person feels valued
and validated in the relationship now
Now volcanic conflicts happen when there are
and underground issues happening
but they don't see anything and they avoid the issue
like the plague they don't wanna touch it because they
don't like confrontation or they just don't want to deal with it
or they find it draining. So because they bury the issue below
the surface and don't say anything
every time issue happens
it builds up pressured
to the point it explodes
it's just a natural point and so
then on the sudden getting upset and frustrated about the toilet seat
now this toilet seat analogy
is the perfect example a volcanic
conflict because the toilet seat may not actually be the real problem here
but it's what's below the surface it's what
either a pattern of problems that have been happening for issues
were moments a feeling disrespected or
not heard right those it those are typically the two major reasons why
people fall into conflict
because they don't feel respected in the don't feel heard
and so that's one of the ways that a mediator
can actually help bridge the gap mediator
constructed in and actually give both sides
permission to say what's what's going on in
and to clear find their expectations in the relationship
and really hashing out and allow
each person's say what they really think
now what is beautiful also that mediation process
is through having this conversation
a mediator can help each side clarify their expectations
whether or not the expectation and the other person is actually
realistic I've seen it in my own practice
its transformation because sometimes our assumptions are not true
but we make decisions that have conversations based on assumptions
because sometimes thats easier then
having and a direct and honest conversation
so when the mediator comes and situation and clarifies the expectations
and make sure that both sides agree
or agree to do something different
were to put down the toilet seat whatever it is
people have a better understanding of what they expect from each other
and then conflict is less likely to happen
now the next type of conflict is
repetitive comp and as the name suggests is
the conflict to keep repeating and repeating and never seem to get resolved
so they continually keep coming up and perhaps one person in mind
decided you're not that the issue is resolved when actually it wasn't
when the act the actuality it wasn't
really resolved and usually that happens because
one person's needs were not fully addressed
or they didn't feel heard or respected
so because a that the issue
re occurs on a regular basis
and in this sense and mediators job
is to again
give voice to both parties to to bring out those entries own situations
that keep reoccurring that no are contributing
to this conflict I was coming up and one of the
beautiful ways the mediator can deal with
repetitive conflict is helping
each person see the relationship different see the particular situation
differently in mediation would call that reframing
changing the way that you look at changing the way
that you see this situation and turning it upside down so
getting fresh approach in understanding and on what the other person is saying
but looking at different ways in which it can be resolved
because sometimes we get so caught up in their own thoughts in our own
feelings and our own ideas that
it's hard for us to get out side that scope and
if we if we can't see any other alternative
things just keep just keep repeating and returning and we don't understand what
to do
but a mediator can helps show people
a different way of looking at things and looking at it to a different perspective
and through a different lens
and how we do that is through reflective
listening how we do that is through clarifying questions
because sometimes people don't understand why
this issue keeps coming up and so we start asking questions about
what it is that they've really want how do they invision vision the future
and by repeating what they're saying
we are essentially rephrasing and reframing the situation so that
suddenly the issue is no longer with in
but it's outside on a table and now we can play with the chess pieces
and see what's really going on and what it is that I really do need from that other
person or that person
really does need from the other person and vice versa so
reframing is tremendous am process and we'll go through that
subsequent lectures the art of reframing
is a significant part
in helping parties resolve all kind the conflicts
because sometimes we just need to flip it and flip the situation a little bit
differently
look at it differently and we need this objective third-party
to sorta help us get there get outside our selves
so that we can look at it more objectively and we can deal with it
exactly for what it is whatever that may be
and problem-solving together so that it doesn't
keep reoccurring
well now that we've covered that three types of
conflicts, can you say what they are?
let's see, underground, repetitive, and volcanic
and not necessarily in that order
but those are the three so what do we do to prevent conflict
well first and foremost you can have a plan
then how do you start that plan first you can have the conversation
have to start talking to each other before you have
any major conflict well any major conversation
first you have to know what you want you have to know why
you want it and then you have to think about whether or not
what you're wanting is inappropriate expectation
for that specific person because
we all may want certain things in our relationship
but it doesn't necessarily mean to the other person
can give that to you. and so you have to decide those three things
now again sometimes we make assumptions about ourselves and
about our relationships and other people in their capacity
what they can and cannot do but if you know what you need
know what you want my want you can start to have that conversation
to see if what you are expecting is actually realistic
and from that point you can start to have that conversation
to begin to create a plan
you can create a plan in terms of how you're going to do with each other
new responsibilities new requirements for both of you
know this is true whether or not you're in workplace
in in a sense this would have plan actually
works beautiful workplace because people have what job descriptions where they
have a list to duties that they're responsible for
there's usually a particular goal
that the workplace environment requires people to rally behind and
to put their efforts in and you have to interact and work together
people that you normally Mina your own personal life
this is also true and marriage
and unfortunately many people just sort of are more
Laissez-fairer with how they deal with their relationships
because they think it should just happen but we are individuals
people who have our own thoughts and ideas
so you also have to sort of create an environment that allows
everybody to stay with the need to say to clarify what they
expect from each other and
yes marriages and families need a plan and so
when we had this discussion I think it's also important to recognize that
it's okay to agree to disagree but if you're going to agree to disagree
if you do not the conflict to come back up later on
you have to be willing to let it go and let
the situation be as it is and let go of
harboring any anger or frustration because they don't think
exactly like you we all are created differently
we'll have our own perspective of the world
and healthy relationships are ones
that allow each person to be who they are
doesn't mean you can't work towards bettering yourself
just means that there's inherent acceptance
in what you bring to the table and support
for a areas in which you lack so
that's all for today I hope you enjoyed this lecture on the different
conflict styles or types of conflict and how to prevent them
and if you have any questions please email me
mediator in jeans gmail dot com
until next time who don't forget to subscribe
and if you have any questions please feel free to
email me and into next time be fair with each other. Bye for now.