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Hey!
Hello!
Well, as of today, it's 20 days until my surgery.
Wow. It's really getting close.
I feel nervous and excited at the same time.
But…mostly nervous.
It’s really amazing how fast time flies.
I don’t know what to do.
The only thing I can do is just keep moving forward.
Keep working toward my goal until I finally succeed.
Many people have asked me questions about the surgery.
“Why?”
“Are you sure?”
"When?"
I’ve gotten many questions.
One question I find particularly interesting.
“Are you sure you want to do this?”
Do I WANT to do this?
No.
It's more like I NEED to do this.
I need to do this because
I have tried, very hard,
to have a positive relationship
with my chest.
I’ve tried and tried, for many years.
to love myself as a woman.
To tell myself, “I have ***,
I have all these other things that make me female.”
I’ve tried to be thankful to God for all I have.
But no matter how hard I tried, I still struggled.
And honestly,
I still could never accept my body.
It was always a struggle.
I tried to tell myself
“I love my ***, I love what I have. I am fine.”
I remember clearly, as though it just happened
I got up one morning and noticed something was wrong
At the time, I was about 9 years old.
I saw that my right ***
Had started to grow…to “develop.”
I went to my mom in a panic.
I said “what’s wrong with my body?!?”
My mom, noticing my concern, called the doctor and made an appointment.
When we saw the doctor, he said “oh, its fine! Your *** are just starting to develop, that’s all!”
And my mom was like “oh!”
and, since the doctor didn’t sign, she had to explain to me what he’d said.
She told me “you’re a girl, so your *** are beginning to develop, like mine.”
I looked at her in horror.
I didn’t want *** like my mom!
No offense to her, she looked fine…
*** look fine on other women.
But on me- NO!!!
I was so upset!
I remember that day, trying to pinch my ***…to push it back in to where it used to be.
I pushed and pinched, I wished I could rip it off.
Wanting it to go back inside.
As I continued to develop, I became more and more depressed.
I had to suppress all of these feelings of sadness about my body for a very long time.
I told myself that’s all I could do.
That I had to accept what I’d been given.
I just can’t do it anymore. I CAN’T.
Honestly, I can't.
So here is my answer to that question
“are you sure you really want to remove your ***?”
YES!
I have never been able to come to terms with having ***, as much as I have tried.
I would rather be happy
than dead and still female.
What I mean is, I felt like I had no choice except to kill myself
because of the body that I was trying to live in.
I know how I felt as I grew up, trying to stifle my feelings.
I know how I felt as I grew up, trying to stifle my feelings.
I was so confused
I asked myself “am I really a girl?”
even though I knew I was a boy.
I doubted my feelings.
Even as I interacted in a world where everyone saw me as a female, I knew deep down that I was not.
I
MALE. Period.
Seriously.
And it’s not because of “society” or whatever.
No. It’s on me.
I tried to be a woman.
I tried and I failed.
Why?
I could never love myself as a female.
And now I finally understand why.
The most important thing
is that you are HAPPY. That is what is important.
I always did everything for other people
I put my own needs last.
But I can't do that any more.
I really like this quote:
“The secret of freedom...
...is courage.”
And I like the first line even better:
“The secret of happiness...
... is freedom.”
It is WORTH IT
to be happy with who you are.
Trust me.
I know that this is not an easy road to travel,
but someday, you will be able to look back and realize that it was all worth it in the end.
So trust me.
And I hope everyone will understand why I'm doing this.
It's because this is me.
I am a MALE, period.
And I am finally happy
I know this is confusing and difficult for people to get used to..
People still are confused about how to address me,
They get my pronouns wrong; they still call me by my former name.
I understand…and I am patient because I appreciate when people really make an effort.
But there are other people who refuse to even make an effort.
And that’s fine too.
But I don’t need or want those people in my life.
I have a wonderful support system.
I have a great family and wonderful friends.
I don’t need negativity in my life.
I believe YOU can do the same thing.
The important thing is that you are HAPPY.
I know you may lose family or friends in the process.
But you will succeed!
What is important is that you are comfortable in your own body.
Wow. 20 days left. 20 days until I am rid of this burden.
I know this will be very emotional experience for me.
But it is worth it.
The key is happiness…
…and a lot of courage.
Trust me...
everything will be fine.