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(GUITAR AMP HUMS)
(POWER CHORD PLAYS)
RADIO HOST: Welcome back
to the Morning Asylum.
More nonstop Nickelback
coming up next hour,
but now it's Yankee Doodle Dave
with the Eye in the Sky.
(MAN ON RADIO
GIVES TRAFFIC REPORT)
That's a troubled look
if ever I saw one.
What do you do if you can't
read the handwriting?
Oh, that's shocking, isn't it?
I'll tell you what you do with it.
You toss it in the bloody bin.
That's what.
(LAUGHS) We can't really, of course.
You'll need to file it in
the Delivery Pending pigeonhole,
wait 10 working days,
see if someone claims it.
It looks like 'Greg' something.
We've got four Gregs
on the first floor alone.
Why don't you just open it?
(LAUGHS)
That's exactly what
we need in this place -
a bit of generation Y humour.
(CHUCKLES)
Look, there.
So, um, when am I gonna get
to see this rock band of yours?
I'm concentrating on solo stuff
at the moment, so
What? A modern-day Billy Joel, hey?
Uh hmm, yeah.
I used to play a little bit myself,
you know, back in the olden days.
More a kind of bush band sound.
Believe me, we had our
fair share of late nights.
I'll bet.
Yeah.
(LAUGHS)
Anyway, Billy, I think you're ready
to go solo on another front -
mail delivery.
Um
RADIO HOST:
rock with the Nickelback marathon.
Also next hour, the Secret Sound
and call in with What Erks Your Jerk
here on the Morning Asylum.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
Nice 'orifice'.
Thanks.
How do you win at capoeira anyway?
Is it when the other guy
gets dizzy and falls over or
Shouldn't you be getting back
to your trolley now?
This job is pointless, man.
Haven't
these people ever heard of email?
You wanted a job, I got you a job.
If you don't like it, quit.
Don't tell me you're still
pining for that ***.
I'm not.
(DROPS PICTURE)
So what's the problem?
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
ON HEADPHONES)
SPARKADIA:
If I never, ever see you again
Would you take all that I said
and believe it to be true?
Would you choose to lose it all
with no sense of consequence?
Oh, the kiss of death
is only but a breath away
Hey there, my little mailman.
My feet are killing me.
The air conditioning at the place
is totally drying out my skin.
(SCOFFS) For God's sake,
it was your third day.
I told you - just think of it
like a record deal,
except you don't
have to pay any of it back.
LUKE: Ha-ha! Office Nash.
You have a clip-on tie
and mail-delivery action.
NASH: Better than plastering,
whatever the hell that is.
It must be exciting
getting a proper bedroom again.
And we get our
lounge room back finally.
Look, can I leave the drums here
just till the weekend?
New place is a bit small.
Of course.
Don't worry.
(ALARM RINGS)
Oh, my risotto!
You're welcome to have some
if you're hungry.
End of an era, hey, mate?
Oh, well, at least we can say
we gave it a shot.
I'm still giving it a shot -
open mic, Roxbury, next Tuesday.
Ha, open mic!
*** off.
Well, I'm glad we never ***
or this would be awkward.
And we'll jam sometime, yeah?
Yeah.
I can't believe you guys actually
rehearsed in here.
It's so tiny.
It was barely big enough for Akimbo.
Val came up with
that name, didn't he?
It's a shame you guys
broke up, really.
You were pretty good.
Shut up.
(SCOFFS) I'm serious.
I have a talented girlfriend.
Aww.
I'll start something else.
I'm just weighing up my options.
(BAND PLAYS HEAVY ROCK MUSIC)
(MOBILE PHONE ALARM RINGS)
Jesus Christ!
Don't mind me.
Just picking up a few sundry items.
Oh, oh, you *** freak.
Sharing Jane's bed again.
How predictable.
Oh, you're just jealous
she dumped you.
Correction - we simply grew apart,
creatively, spiritually sexually.
Oh, so the rumours are true -
you've slipped on
the old corporate noose.
Yeah, well, it's like
a record deal except better
'cause I don't have to pay
any of it back.
Interesting interpretation.
Whatever.
You've had Mummy and Daddy
paying your way since high school, man.
That's where my pyjamas went!
A rich kid playing starving artist.
You're like Jarvis Cocker's
girl from Greece.
That's why you've never created
anything decent in your life.
On the contrary, I've recently
completed a project
I've been working on for some time.
I'm sure you'll see it before long.
Hmm.
Is this my copy
of 'Swann's Way' or yours?
(LAUGHS)
Way to go, Piano Man.
Hey, rock star!
Greg.
(SINGS) Come on, give it to me
Yeah, give it to me!
Checked out your MySpace.
Would love
to come to your solo gig next week.
Oh, me too.
I haven't been to any live music
since, like, Maroon 5 were in town.
Well, I can put you on the door
if you like.
Yeah? For sure.
My details are
jenc@burkeandlang.
com.
au.
Underscore.
(IMITATES TYRES SQUEALING)
Call this work, do you?
I'm on a break.
So guess what.
The 'gang' have
asked me out for 'ambers'.
I told you, they're good people.
Jennifer's gonna be there.
She's clearly gagging for it.
You should have a crack.
Her fiancé works
two floors down, so
Anyway, I've made plans.
The only plans you ever have
revolve around Skyping Abigail,
and seeing as she's probably
Skyping someone else by now, hard
I've organised drinks
with Luke and Comet.
What? Where?
Well, Little Ponies are
supporting Snob Scrilla at
Why didn't anyone tell
You hate hip-hop.
No.
You do.
Oh, my God.
I know.
I was very dubious of Swedish
flat-pack furniture myself
until about an hour ago.
That's a lot of tea lights.
Well, we'll use them
for parties and things.
I only went out there to get
some plates and things,
but everything was
so cheap and clean
and I swear,
every time I turned a corner,
there was something else
that we kind of needed, so
I'm still a working musician.
Where did the instruments go?
Uh
(GIGGLES)
Jane.
Now that we're in my room, I thought
this could be your creative space,
and maybe mine from time to time.
Where did my bed go?
Nash, I chucked it.
It was a biohazard.
But we should put
some boy stuff in our room
so that you feel more comfortable.
Um (SCOFFS)
If you hate it, just tell me.
No, no, no.
No.
It's it's cool.
It's really, really cool.
Oh, phew! (LAUGHS)
Um, how about we get some
capricciosa and a bit of plonk
to celebrate my new-found
allen key skills?
I can't do it.
I kind of agreed
to go to work drinks.
I'm actually running late already.
You know how we talked about
me being more a part
of the Burke and Lang team,
fitting in, all that stuff.
OK.
I'll see you later.
(LITTLE PONIES PLAY
'HOUSE PARTY')
CARA: Come over here
We can blow balloons
Making punch,
making out like a left brain
This little party's
gonna start real soon.
This is our last song.
We've been
Hannah the Hammer on drums.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Melody on keys.
And the lovely Comet on bass.
And you guys have been
the best crowd ever!
Don't listen to her.
She'll say
anything to get people to like her.
(BAND PLAYS 'LIMITED INVITATION')
Don't tell the minister
Don't tell the
Cara's a ***, man.
How can she slag off her bandmates
like that, let alone her girlfriend?
Chill out, man.
She's just ***-stirring.
That's why she gets away with it.
Ohh.
Alright, who wants a drink?
No, I gotta bail.
You want a lift, man?
Are you serious?
I get up in the dark these days.
It's not even 10:00!
See you at work.
You guys are being *** lame.
I'm not changing my whole life
just 'cause I got a stupid job.
Call me a ***,
Boy Crazy breaking up
is the best *** thing
to happen to music
since Jeff Buckley went for a swim.
(PEOPLE LAUGH)
Those songs with their lame
*** references?
Nash thinks he's
the next Angus Young,
but he's about as dangerous
as Neil Diamond.
He should join a boy band.
Oh, except he's not pretty enough.
(ALL LAUGH)
MAN: That's pretty harsh, Cara.
But who's Neil Diamond?
(SNOB SCRILLA SINGS)
There I go again
Every time they love me
I break them in the end
Nothing I can do about it
So let's not pretend
We both know I'll always be
Heartbreak Scorsese
I'll never change
I'll never change
I'll never change
I'll never change
I'll never change
I'll never change
I'll never change
I'll never change
I'll never change
until the day that I die
Oh! Oh, my God.
I didn't
even know you were coming.
How could I miss a Little Ponies gig?
This way, please.
How's the solo career going?
Great, thank you.
Do you wanna come
and live in the house we buy
when we're rich and famous?
Sure.
So far, it's me and Cara
and Hannah and Melody,
but boys are good too,
so you and Luke
and the lovely Jasper, of course.
And it's gonna have a big
recording studio for us to play in.
And we can give each other
musical advice and
In one room, the whole floor
is just gonna be a trampoline.
Have you got some
advice for us, Nash?
You don't need it, Cara.
You guys
have really found your sound.
Thanks.
It's great.
It's good timing.
Like, the '80s are totally back in,
so you can ride that wave
for another couple of years.
Like, the thing is
people say it's so easy
just to churn out, like,
beige electro-pop tracks,
but it's a skill.
Nash, what's wrong?
Mm, mm.
If I did have one piece of advice,
it would be that your music's
really repetitive
and all your songs sound the same
and it's got no heart.
But, you know, that's what
*** ecstasy is for, isn't it?
And I'd tell you to stop
slagging off your bandmates,
except they seem to like it.
I need a beer.
You can't just talk ***
about my band and walk away.
Oh, 'cause no-one messes
with the queen of the pixies!
If you wanna hit me, Nash,
just hit me.
I'm not gonna hit you.
Go on, you ***.
Put your money
where your *** mouth is.
I'm not gonna hit a girl!
Please don't do this.
Not tonight.
Come on.
Come on!
*** off!
What?
You bloody deserve it.
Yeah, do I? Then *** hit me.
Ohh!
(PEOPLE GASP)
I was just kidding, you ***.
Can't you take a *** joke?
Oh, ***.
(STRUMS LOUDLY AND CLUMSILY)
(TUNES GUITAR)
It's 3:30.
Nash?
(PLUCKS STRINGS)
Nash?
Ta-da!
Burke and Lang
accounts department - animals!
(LAUGHS)
Is something wrong with your phone?
Yeah, yeah.
No, it was funny.
Greg - this guy from accounts -
dropped it in my beer and
(CHUCKLES) It was pretty funny,
actually.
Everyone laughed.
So how was Snob Scrilla?
Oh, 'cause Jasper came home.
Yeah, yeah, I'm just, you know,
trying to increase
my musical expertise,
knowledge, whatever.
It was fun.
Well, thanks for waking me up.
No, I didn't.
Your light was on.
So instead of coming in to see me,
you came in here to play music?
(SCOFFS) Yeah.
Well, Jasper's asleep and I'm really
tired, so you can't keep playing.
If I still had the rehearsal room
I could.
What?
(SIGHS) Nothing.
MAN ON TV: Wait a minute.
Is that smoke I smell?
Hey, Piano Man.
Listen, I know it's not
'Grey's Anatomy',
but you need to complete the test on this
when you're finished.
And can you be
a little bit neat, please?
Apparently payroll are in a tizz
about the legibility
of your time sheet
and you know how I feel
about handwriting.
Look, Billy, we'd all like to live
the big rock lifestyle and get paid,
but when you're here,
you're here 100%.
You understand? Come on.
Come here.
There.
It looks good.
(CLICKS)
(THUD)
Rock star! (LAUGHS)
Hey, Nash.
(JENNIFER GIGGLES)
Are you people on acid?
Why don't you chase me and find out.
Hey, Nash.
None of you understand
my vision as director, OK?
This film clip is gonna be awesome
and I'd just really appreciate it
if you'd just stop interrupting
something that you don't understand.
So here's what we're gonna do.
('CATCH AND KISS' PLAYS ON CLIP)
(PEOPLE SNICKER AND GIGGLE)
JASPER: Look at the views.
Did you know about this?
Well, Accounts Greg
emailed me the link,
but I thought
you threw out the tapes.
I'm gonna kiss this girl - Comet -
we're gonna finish this film clip
and there's nothing
anyone can do about it.
POLICE OFFICER:
Step away from the girl right now.
(ALL LAUGH)
Come on!
Hope you're this funny on stage.
You think you're so clever,
don't you?
I merely tried to fulfil
your creative vision.
***!
All that stuff with me yelling
and the cops
It's a good thing
the running looks OK,
otherwise I'd be a complete
laughing stock.
Sake?
Your place looks like Stanley Kubrick
threw up on 'Wallpaper' magazine.
Get as angry as you like,
but I think you'll find
the glass is half full.
Boy Crazy Stacey broke up,
so you can shove your glass
up your *** and drink it.
I thought you hated the band.
Think I'd spend three years
in a band I hated?
I only left because you obviously
feel you're better on your own
than with other people
supporting you.
I am.
Good.
I, on the other hand, prefer
to share my creative endeavours.
WOMAN: I remember the day
that I realised
that not only I was
being treated badly
(STRUMS CHORD GENTLY)
but he was making me feel
like I deserved it.
I eventually found
the courage to leave him,
but writing this song was really
the first step in the healing process.
It's called 'I Love You
'But I Don't Really Think Much
of Your *** Addiction'.
(BOTH PLAY DISJOINTED,
ABRUPT CHORDS)
And I'll have EPs for sale after
the show if anyone's interested.
Uh, alright, you might have seen
the film clip for this one on YouTube.
(PLAYS INTRO TO 'CATCH OR KISS')
Um sorry about this.
(MACHINE BEEPS LOUDLY)
Hey, s Am I meant
to be able to read that?
What?
Just look at your handwriting.
How can I put you on my mailing list
if I can't even read it?
Mate, it says P-E-T
Just shut up for a second.
How about you take the time
to write like a non-retard
so I can actually
understand that tomorrow?
At least you don't
pander to your fans.
(LAUGHS)
Nice set.
That means a lot.
No.
I mean, I love Boy Crazy,
of course.
But, yeah, the young Neil Young.
Don't you mean Neil Diamond?
What?
Oh, that was a joke.
I was with the girls.
It was a crazy night and - poof! -
it's behind us.
(CHUCKLES)
A crazy night?
I hit your girlfriend in the face.
So?
My mum used to get my dad
to hit her all the time
to fire her up before her
drag-racing tournaments.
I'm not in the mood
for one of your stories.
It's not a story.
Everyone used to call her
***-Slap Sally.
I don't know what the ***
you're talking about.
But you know what?
I think Cara's right.
I think you'll say anything
to get people to like you.
Huh, OK, how does this fit with
your theory? You're being a prick.
That that was good.
That I believe.
Whereas when you say you love
my band, all I hear is a lie.
Oh, OK, so you're saying
all those times we played together,
that was a lie.
You're saying it's ***.
You tell me.
(SCOFFS)
OK, Nash, the way I remember it,
you gave up on us.
I gave up? You and Luke
and Jasper bailed on me.
Right, because only you
love Boy Crazy Stacey.
That *** sums it up.
Well, then you don't fight very hard
for the things you love.
JANE: Oh, my God.
Such a shame you couldn't come
to the Drones.
They were unreal.
It's so great to see
genuinely exciting acts these days.
How was your gig?
Quiet.
Well, it is open mic.
Had anyone seen the film clip?
Shut up.
Oh, OK.
78 SAAB: Feel the first rays
on your skin
I can't believe what I can see
The sun into your eyes now
(ALARM BUZZES)
I'm under no illusions now
How can I see when I am blind
To all the same old thoughts now?
Oh, I can waste all day
Rock star!
Keep it up, Billy Joel.
I'm nothing like Billy Joel.
Nah, it's just a joke.
He and I could not be
more different if we tried.
He is a jazz-and-blues inspired
piano player
known primarily for stuff he wrote
before I was born
whereas I write guitar-based pop
mostly influenced by '90s garage
and the greats of British rock,
but if anyone had actually come to
my gig last night, you'd know that!
Mate, you try getting
a night off with three kids.
The only reason
you keep calling me Billy
is because unless your bush band
just got back from a national tour,
you haven't been
to a live gig in decades
and you have no idea
what happens at the coalface,
in the dingy local pubs
where the bands you listen to
on the radio every *** day
actually get their starts,
you know, where the real magic
actually happens.
Nash, I think you should just
take a smoko and calm down.
(ROCK MUSIC)
SONG: Sammy was a mistake
Her daddy said so
(PLAYS ALONG WITH STEREO)
Do whatever he says
and if you think no
Chucked a sickie.
Yeah?
I win.
What? Is there
a bomb threat or something?
Gee, what the f
Was there always
a window in my room?
Why was I walking
all the way to the bathroom?
What are you doing here?
Came to pick up the drum kit.
She's been calling me.
Hey, we did sound pretty ***-hot
sometimes, didn't we?
(SONG CONTINUES ON STEREO)
(ALL PLAY DRIVING ROCK SONG)
(PLAYS SOLO)
(AMP BUZZES)
(ALL LAUGH)
Oh, no, not the 'VATIKVA'.
(LAUGHS) It was an accident.
Yeah, right.
Oh, chill out.
I'll buy you a new table.
I don't care about the crappy table.
Well, what's the problem, then?
You hate what
I've done to the house.
Oh, no, I don't!
LUKE: I love what you've done, Jane.
It's, uh Put a window in
and it's nice and clean.
Why are you home so early?
I quit.
You quit?
They kept calling me Billy Joel.
It was
They kept calling you what?
Forget it.
You wouldn't understand.
*** try me.
Don't get on your high judgy horse
about this, Jane.
It was They were dicks.
Jasper was the cool one.
That's how big a *** they were.
What are you, five years old?
Too cool to earn a living?
I can't do 9-to-5, OK,
like boring normal people, alright?
I can't do shirt-and-tie and interior
*** decorating on the weekends.
You arsehole.
I did all this for us.
I never asked you to.
Well, why don't you just
change it back to how it was?
Nash!
(METAL CLANGS)
(CRASH!)
Hey! Hey, Cara.
I I need
to talk to Comet.
Where is she?
Well, you can't.
Oh, I'm sorry
I hit you in the face, OK?
You kind of deserved it for
slagging off my band, but bygones.
Where is she?
Are you crying?
She's gone.
What?
She packed up all her things
and left last night,
no note, nothing.
She's gone.
(PEOPLE LAUGH
AND CHATTER INDISTINCTLY)
Jane, I'm sorry about before.
I, um I wasn't thinking straight
and all that stuff I said,
I didn't mean it.
I think that can wait for now.
Why?
I just got a very
interesting phone call.
The film clip for 'Catch and Kiss'
Nominated for an ARIA, ***!
Boy Crazy Stacey's
going to the ARIAs!
('CATCH AND KISS' PLAYS)