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(Cheering)
Live at the famous ACME Comedy Hollywood
It's the Hannah Gansen Stand Up Special
And now please welcome to the stage Hannah Gansen!
(ELEMENOPY plays Hannah's theme song)
Stand up for your rights you guys!
Your right to be vague, yeah! Alright!
Yeah! Keep it going! Give it up for yourselves you guys
Coming out and supporting live comedy.
Give it up for the boys in blue
I love Best Buy!
Give it up for teenagers, teenagers yeah they dress sexy
No matter what trimester they're in. Yeah!
Guys, I party HARD!
How hard do I party? I'm gonna tell you how hard I party
Woke up this morning, contact lenses still in my eyes
And I don't wear contact lenses, YEAH! Yeah! All right.
Yeah, oh gravy. How about this weather you guys.
Holy *** it's November and yes-
And I can't believe it was like, yesterday it was like eighty degrees out
And then this morning I wake up I had a ***
Totally unpredictable weather! You don't know what's happening next
Oh, so crazy.
Oh I'm so glad you guys were able to find babysitters right?
Right? You have babysitters now you just need to find some kids
I don't have any kids yet. I probably will have kids sooner or later
Because we all slip up sooner or later right?
But I got the names picked out.
If I have a girl I'm gonna name her Free Pizza
Because when we're over in the park and she's running around
And I'm all like Free Pizza! Free Pizza! Free Pizza!
Everyone's gonna look at me! I'm gonna get the attention!
Screw you Free Pizza! You ruined my life, you ravaged my body
And I too was once young and beautiful!
If I have a boy I'm gonna give him a strong assertive name like
Ahhhhhhhh!
Right, no one will know how to spell it, but you aren't gonna forget that name right?
Who is that guy?
Oh that was Ahhhhhhhh! He wants to open a CD
We work at Chase!
Look at my acting skills you guys
I played two people, one scene, you knew their wants- their motivations
What color shirts they wore.
Did I mention I was allergic to penicillin?
I just figured I'd put-- fortunately that's not passed around a lot at parties
I'm a Scorpio which means I'm most compatible with Taurus
As long as you change the oil every 3,000 miles. Yeah oil, oil's fun
So did you guys drink anything this evening?
Or yesterday or any time in your life? Do you like to drink?
The Dos Equis guy, The Most Interesting Man in the World or whatever
I like to think that his brother is the biggest train wreck in the world
He's like "I don't always drink beer and when I don't I'm asleep"
I like beer. I don't like mixed drinks because the bartender
They always put the two tiny straws in your drink
And I don't want to be reminded of the time I tried to kill myself with a tiny shotgun
I'm here to forget. I just wanna forget!
Yeah!!! You always hear people yell Yeah!!! or No!!! But you never hear anyone yell Maybe!!!
No one is certain of their uncertainty
Oh hey, a keyboard. I should use it I guess
But anyways, so like, uh, something something something a transition into this song
I'm known for my seamless transitions guys.
(playing "TRANSGENDERED CENTAUR")
Don't care what people think
Just go ahead, and do your thing
I know life can be kind of an obstacle course
Especially when you're a third woman, a third man, and one third horse.
But don't be ashamed of who you are.
You're mythologically beautiful
You're a t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-transgendered centaur.
Every guy here wants to be and be with you,
The same thing goes for all the ladies too.
Same rule applies when you're on a farm
The horses all adore you
You can smell their *** burn.
Don't be ashamed of who you are
You're a Greek ***, baby
You're mythologically beautiful
You're a t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-transgendered centaur.
You never have to call a cab, when you go to the bar
Cause you can gallop home, it's never too far
You're handsome and you're pretty
Everything looks good on you.
You can wear a straw hat and eat it too.
Your'e good at playing horseshoes cause you wear them of course
You got women's intuition, and you're hung like a horse
But don't give your saddle out to just any random someone
And don't put up with any horse's *** cause you already got one
Don't be ashamed of who you are
You can sleep standing up
You're mythologically beautiful,
You're a t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-transgendered centaur.
I thought I would get hungry so I packed a power lunch
Are you guys ready to have sex with your sister?
(Playing "PHARMACY")
Pick up your banjo, and bring your whiskey
We're gettin' down tonight
We're gonna get country
Let's get down on the Pharmacy.
We got a cure for anything that ails you
Or at least numb the pain until it kills you
Let's get down on the Pharmacy.
Feel down and out, and you're heart's been broken,
We can't fix it up, but we can up your serotonin
with reuptake inhibitors, TCAs, or MAOIs.
No time for therapy or talking things through
You're a busy American you got a lot to do
So let's get down on the Pharmacy.
Can't sleep at night, then take a little pill.
Still can't sleep take the bottle then you will
Wake up in the morning and chug a couple cans of Red Bull.
Feelin' kinda tired
Feelin' uninspired
Or just feelin' guilty about that *** that you strangled
Then let's get down on the Pharmacy.
Or to save money, if you really really wanna
We can take a trip down south to Tijuana
Have our picture taken with a donkey painted like a zebra
And wash those pills
Right down with tequila
Cause there's a pill for everything you do or don't need a
Help you lose weight, gain hair on your crown
Get your *** up get your cholesterol down
Everybody let's get down, on the pharmacy
Yeah!
This song is about a love that comes once every seventeen years
(Playing "CICADA")
Well I was really much too young
When I first heard you sing your song
But now I'm a full grown lady.
Last time I heard you was out on the farm
And ooh honey baby it's been much too long
But that summer, you drove me crazy.
Cause you were hidin' underground
Hidin' from the world around
Kinda like a ninja turtle.
Except I don't think you like pizza
Nevertheless I'll be glad to meet ya,
When you come crawling out of your...dirt hole.
Cicada!
Periodical cicada
Prefers hardwood to coniferous trees.
And you can call me oak
Dogwood, or hickory, cause I'll let you hang your shell on me.
Well male cicadas are really loud
But female cicadas they don't make a sound
But they lay six-hundred eggs that's true yeah.
Well guess what male cicada,
I'm probably as loud as you
And six-hundred eggs ain't nothing
Compared to what I can do for you
Cicada!
You deserve a grammy,
Like Blood, Sweat, and Tears.
And cicada!
Ooh, you're a playah,
You've made me wait for seventeen years.
You know the thought really turns me on
Of you slipping out of your exoskeleton
And leaving it to hang on the tree, yeah.
And I quiver at the thrill of when you'll finally pull me near
And whisper softly to me in my ear
BUUUZZZZZ
Cicada!
Can't wait to meet ya,
And I can hear you half a mile away, yeah.
But cicada, we'll have to hurry you can only live for forty days.
You're not a locust,
But you got the locust pocus.
And your locust pocus spell‚ is on me!!!
Yeah!
Few thing's are as thrilling in this world
As when a guy makes eye contact with you across the room
Then he walks over to you puts his hands on your shoulders
And says "Who are you? Why are you following me?"
Well I'm a lady I'll say that‚ I'm a lady
It's tough being a lady. You've gotta drive side saddle
It's dangerous. And the worst part is every time you go to the bathroom
You go to the bathroom, you close the stall door and they always have that stupid sign
that says "Ladies, do not flush your feminine products down the toilet"
Come on! Who's flushing down their high heels, their mascara, their curling iron
You see, feminine products guys, you see what I'm saying.
Girls when they put on mascara they always make this face‚ they go
It's so funny
You know what's really funny is when they put on lipstick
And they go
(Shrieking)
Every time. So funny. Ah man.
And another thing that's tough about being a woman is
You try to bond with other women and it's hard to do
Like this girl I saw the other day, I was in Sephora or Rite Aid
Whatever you wanna call it and she's all like- she had this t-shirt on
It was like one of those I love New York t-shirts but instead of I heart N.Y.
It said I heart K.Y. So I'm like oh this is my chance to make a friend
And I'm like fan of the KY jelly huh?
And she goes It's not I heart KY Jelly it's I heart Kentucky
Ewwwww! Gross! Anyway, so this next song coming up-
Oh one more thing I want to mention that's hard about being a woman
Am I the only one that's like a grown adult woman who used to think
A female *** was just some other word for pants?
Anybody? It's like a male *** but it's bigger and
It just sounds far more complicated than having a baby
At least that I know what to do with it. I'd give it to my mom.
Then I'd move to Arizona and bartend for several years
Because I need to find myself
This microphone tastes like a pretzel, sort of‚ made of metal
This next song is about wanting to feel like a girl
(Playing "SAUDI ARABIA")
Sometimes I wanna feel like a girl
More than anything in the world
But high heels and a pretty rose tattoo,
A purse, a dress, I must confess these things won't do.
Sometimes I wanna go and get ***,
Not the kind where you get high, the kind where you get a broken bone.
I won't need makeup, cause my face is in hiding.
No mascara, the only lashes I worry about are the ten I'll get for driving.
It's time I act like a lady-uh,
That's why I'm headed to Saudi Arabia
Sure I can't drive to the mall to shop for new burqas
But I'm gonna save a hundred percent on my car insurance
(take that Geico).
In Saudi Arabia, I'm never gonna feel alone
Cause I have to have a male guardian when I leave my home.
If I'm around a man not related to me, that's called khalwa,
A violation of sex segregation and against the law.
But some clerics issued a fatwa that suggests,
I can make a man my relative by giving him milk from my breast.
(Don't have any on me at the moment. How about some gum?)
I can't wait to go to Saudi Arabia
Cause by comparison to the other ladies
I'll be good at volleyball, basketball, and croquet.
Cause ladies aren't allowed in sports there,
It's the Saudi way.
And whether you're a man, or a woman, or an in-between,
lookout and don't get flogged by the religious police, the Mutaween
(Cause they're enforcing Sharia).
(bad scat attempt)
I can't scat!
In Saudi Arabia, no one's allowed to drink
Which is good there's less chance of getting roofied and ***
Cause if I get ***, my *** is punished and I'm punished too
Cause I shouldn't be hangin' around with rapey you.
Saudi Arabia let's give 'em a hand
And you will literally if you're caught stealin'.
All the ladies covered modestly from their heads to their ankles,
So the only camel toe you're gonna see is on actual camels.
Raise your glass of petroleum
And toast to girly fun
In Saudi Arabia.
I was on an airplane once and there was a guy on the airplane
And I wanted to get his attention but he was a few seats over
And you can't do things to get attention on an airplane because it makes people nervous
So I wrote a song about it
This is a song about that fateful flight
(Playing "AIRPLANE LOVE")
What's the reason
That you won't look at me
Cause I keep looking at you.
Why don't you stop reading that magazine
Like it's actually interesting
We have a lot in common.
Like we both read and we're ten thousand feet
Above the ground.
I think I'm in love, and my heads in the clouds
Literally.
You're just across the aisle
But yet you're still so far away from me.
Airplane love
My thumping heart And the thumping engine of the plane
Are the only sounds I hear.
We're flying high above
Why won't you let me get this airplane love
Up off the ground.
Can't stop staring at you
Since we flew over Minnesota,
Can't buy you a drink but you can have my complimentary soda.
Stop playing hard to get
It's kinda easy to see that's what you're doing
By asking the flight attendant to find you another seat.
I wanna keep you all to myself in a vomit bag
That's true.
And I wanna feed you roasted peanuts for life
When you're old and have no teeth
I'll chew them up for you.
Airplane love
Flight attendant show me the exits but I ain't gonna leave.
On the ground we look like a little dot
In plane on which we're riding
But plain is an adjective that you're not
So go ahead and ignore me,
Close your eyes and pretend to sleep
Cause I'll just keep staring at you
Then I'll follow you to the back to the bathroom and lock the door
And no one will be able to hear you scream.
Airplane love
I don't have a lot of baggage, at least not on this plane
I'm gonna love you whether want it or not
For the rest of our high flying days.
And no one's getting off alive till I get your name.
This next song
Yeah I'm good at that
This next song is about preventative health care
(Playing "WASH YOUR HANDS")
South of the border
Inside my pants.
There's a pin worm party
Going on
In my ***.
So let me warn and inform you,
So you can avoid this circumstance.
It's always important
To remember to wash your hands.
So please wash your hands
It's not a step you can skip.
Yeah cause if you're in a hurry and don't do it,
You could actually be eating your own ***.
So please wash your hands,
People put their foot in their mouth often these days
Figuratively,
But if you don't wash your hands
You could catch food hand mouth disease,
Literally.
Wah wah wah wah...
I know, yes I know we're all amazed,
Women can live after bleeding for seven days.
Woh well honey listen up
And I'll tell you what
Hepatitis A can live for seven days in dry human blood.
And Shigellosis
Is atrocious.
It causes dysentery and fever.
And Giardiasis illness can lead to cramps and diarrhea.
So come on wash your hands
Come on, how can I be clearer?
Take your time and wash your hands.
Sing Happy Birthday to that president in the mirror.
Cause that's the amount of time
You should spend washing up your hands with soap
And tolerably hot water. It's true.
Come on wash your hands,
If this were Sesame Street, you'd better wash your hands.
Or you'd be a *** cookie eating monster.
It's not just for employees anymore
Everybody wash your hands.
(Applause)
Any dog people in the audience? Any dog people?
Your dad's a dog and your mom's a woman?
Or maybe visa versa? Your mom's a dog and your dad's a woman?
Any dog people? I don't have a dog but when I do I'm going to name him Dad
Obviously to honor my father but also can you imagine how funny that would be?
You're standing in your front yard and you're all like Dad! Dad! (whistles)
God dang, first he eats out of the garbage and then he pisses on the couch
when you try to give him a bath and then he runs away. Dad!!!
Hey neighbor how's it goin? Have you seen Dad?
He's got brown hair, usually on all fours
Actually I don't think you've ever seen him I usually tie him up back
Otherwise he'll just run around in the yard and *** in the driveway
Good to see ya. Dad!!!
I was walking down the-- Thank you, thank you. Dad!
I was walking down the sidewalk the other day and there was someone walking their dog
And they had the poop bag with the poop in the bag
And it was like this Indian guy
And I just mention that because he was holding the poop bag and he was swinging it around
Like he was in a Bollywood musical or something
And then he hit me right in the sternum with it
And so then I take my poop bag
And remember I don't have a dog
Yeah! Yeah!
And then he's all like "why don't you look where you're going"
And I said sorry, but in my head I spelled it S-A-R-I.
Yeah, I got him. I got him good
So that brings me to my next song. This one goes out to all my dogs.
(Gun Clicking)
Pow, pow.
(Playing "DOG-G")
I'm a D O double G, minus a G,
I won't mend my ways,
I spend my days chasin' ***
Cats around the neighborhood all over the block.
I walk the walk and bark the bark and don't think I'm a ***-
-er Spaniel for saying so,
But I'm just gonna say it.
My lucky number's K-9 and damn I'm the Shih
-Tzu is a place where you see monkeys and bears
But I don't care about those fools.
I'm all about squirrels.
Like my collar, make it golden,
And retrieve what I'm sayin'.
I'm out of the pound on good behavior
I'm takin' the nation.
I identify by smell, this pedigree's got class.
So back that *** up *** so I can sniff yo' ***.
No disrespectin'. She's literally a ***
Speakin' of ***
They Chihuahua want me, yeah that's a fact.
Cause once you go Black Labrador, you never go back.
Don't Yorkshire Terrier-ize, Pit Bull-y, or Maltese me
Or I'll silence your *** just like a Basenji.
They can't bark, and if I see you in my territory
I'll sniff you out like a Bloodhound
And bring to your Pekingese.
Get it?
Knock knock, open your Labrador
And retrieve what I'm saying.
Where's your toilet bowl at, cause I need a libation.
Spayed or neuter me, do what you got to I guess.
Either way, I'm just gonna keep diggin' under the fence.
I'm a D O G, playah,
Check out my phone.
It's got Lhasa Apso
And it's shaped like a bone.
Which one of you *** gonna have my litter?
Think you're dreaming honey, let me Doberman pinch ya.
Sometimes, I'm a devil, sometimes a Saint Bernard.
When you scratch behind my ear, won't you scratch it like a record?
Call me a dog, pooch, or mutt,
No matter what playah I got style.
So stick with me, I'm loyal ya see,
And I'll make it
Worth your Rottweil....
Er.
Chow Chow.
Yeah.
This next song goes out to anyone who's not legally allowed to marry who they want to marry
(Playing "CUZ'N LOV'N")
This country's unfair with its rules sometimes,
So now I'm standing up for my rights.
You should be able to marry whoever you want,
And love them all through the night.
No matter their race, religion, or height, or whether they're a boy or a girl.
REO Speedwagon, you were right.
I can't fight this feeling anymore.
I wanna marry my cousin.
My first cousin is first on my list of love.
I don't care what people think,
Or if our kids will need six fingered gloves.
I need some cousin lovin'.
You're beautiful, cause you look a lot like me.
And our love is gonna grow and flourish,
Unlike the branches of our family tree.
I need some Cousin Lovin'.
People think it's weird
But in the MIddle East,
They marry their cousins all the time.
Yeah the Middle East is kinda screwed up
But genetically their kids turn out fine
In parts of Southern India,
It's socially preferred for uncles and neices to marry.
Ok good for them,
But please don't tell that to my Uncle Larry.
He's getting out of jail soon.
Just let me marry my cousin.
Cousin marriage is legal in twenty-six states.
Except for some like Louisiana, Iowa, and Kentucky
Come on all you hypocrites
You know you wanna screw your cousins.
But cousin marriage is a problem for patriotism.
Cause it can lead to gold buckling,
Corruption in corporations, and nepotism
But I wanna marry my cousin.
So is it about babies with birth defects,
Or the strength of institutions and nation states?
Cause if it's about genetics,
Let's consider ethnicity.
Sickle cell anemia if you're both black
Tay-Sachs if you're both Jewish,
Now that *** is wack.
And what about if you're a woman over the age of forty?
Just let me marry my cousin.
I'm pretty sure by now
You've gotten the gist.
But in case you haven't, a lot of people in history married their cousins,
Here for you I've compiled a list.
Wernher von Braun married his cousin.
He was thirty-five and she was eighteen.
H.G. Wells, and Queen Victoria
Bach and his cousin had seven kids.
Jerry Lee Lewis married his thirteen year old first cousin,
That kinda makes me wanna throw up.
Edgar Allen Poe married his first cousin,
But it wasn't enough to cheer him up.
Christopher Robin, Charles Darwin, Prophet Muhammad, maybe even Mary and Joseph.
Rudy Giuliani married his second cousin,
Then used that fact later to get an Annulment.
FDR and Eleanor had the same last name before in marriage they became one.
Albert Einstein married his double cousin,
And relative-ally doubled his fun.
I want some cousin lovin',
It's good for my heart and for the environment.
Cause we can ride together to all our family functions,
And thus decrease our carbon footprint,
I want some cousin lovin'
And maybe you need cousin lovin' too
So at Thanksgiving when you're giving thanks for that turkey,
Give thanks to that sexy cousin next to you.
Let's take the sin out of cousin lovin'.
Cou___ Lovin'.
Take a stand against euthanasia you guys.
Only adopt kids from Africa.
This next song is about some place.
(Playing "SOMALIA")
Well I been out to the Wild West
The nitty gritty of the Midwest.
Been cursed out by an East-coaster's mouth,
Been bittin' by alligators in the South.
Well that danger really makes me yawn,
I wanna go where they know really how to have fun.
That's why I'm going to Somalia,
The rockin' eastern coast of Africa.
Where they party like it's '99
The same year their civil war began.
So see you later pal it was nice knowing ya.
I'm headed to Somalia.
See out there you don't need any consent.
They don't even have a government.
But there's no problem that you can't stifle
When you got the Kalashnikov rifle.
Lots of stuff out there to do,
But do it quick,
Because the life expectancy out there is forty-six,
Uh oh.
Let's all go out to Somalia,
Grow some sorgum, corn, and eat a banana.
Chew some khat,
And play Ludo,
Hope those terrorists don't find you.
Less than two percent have a TV or a radio,
So you'll get in touch with nature In Somalia.
Yeah well I'm gonna feel important and elite,
Cause I'll be one of thrity-eight percent of people that can read.
Go fishin' with the pirates out on the sea
Till someone comes up with the ransom money for me.
Let's all go out to Somalia.
The thought of it makes me smiley-ah.
And don't worry if your parenting skills aren't great,
cause they got a high infant mortality rate.
So let's roam with the nomads across the nation,
But don't stop in the towns that practice female genital mutilation.
Let's get adventurous,
Dodging poverty, ***, and bullets.
Life's too short.
So let's make it shorter.
Let's go to Somalia.
Yeah! Thank you guys.
You've been fricken' swell. And other words too.
I can sense the *** tension in this room like a knife
It's just a thing that I can feel
This last song is kind of a sexy song to send you on your merry way, your sexy way
This song is about a thing
(Playing "CJD")
You make me weak
And I can't sleep.
Lately I feel so confused.
Don't feel like myself,
And sometimes I get depressed.
I just don't know what to do.
You might think you've heard enough,
That these are merely symptoms of love.
Well I'm sorry, it's not that obvious.
You see what's wrong with me, it's much worse.
You see I can't get you out of my head
At least not for a few months when I'm finally dead
I got the results of my EEG
And it turns out I got Creutzfeldt Jakob Disease.
It's a thing
You make me feel special
Cause you're rare and fatal.
One out of a million people get you.
And I guess that's because
You're mysterious.
Or maybe just cause it's hard to get infected by you
I just rhymed you with you,
Because it's MY song!
Uh oh, I think my CJD is progressing
Cause I'm starting to have problems with my coordination.
Involuntary jerks, and I'm feeling numbness.
I can't control my body movements, and I'm having mood swings.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
(Laughing)
(Crying)
Oh my god
Huh?
Oh and did I mention to ya,
About the rapidly progressing dementia?
What was I singing about?
Oh yeah, dementia
I forgot dementia, that's kinda weird.
What was it? Polenta?
Oh man, I sure do love polenta.
Hey!
Is your name Bill?
And now I'm modulating the key
And I don't even remember why.
I guess that I'm just killing time,
Till I slip into a coma and die
And until that coma sets in
I'm gonna lose all mental and physical function...
(cheers and applause)
(pretty piano chord)
Thank you very much, I'm Hannah Gansen. Thank you, thank you.
(cheers and applause)
(***!)