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X
Twelfth Night; or, What You Will
by William Shakespeare
ACT IV.
SCENE I.
Before OLIVIA'S house.
[Enter SEBASTIAN and CLOWN.]
CLOWN. Will you make me believe that I am not sent
for you?
SEBASTIAN. Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow;
Let me be clear of thee.
CLOWN. Well held out, i' faith! No, I do not know
you; nor I am not sent to you by my lady, to bid you come speak with
her; nor your name is not Master Cesario; nor this is not my
nose neither. Nothing that is so is so.
SEBASTIAN. I prithee, vent thy folly somewhere else;
Thou know'st not me.
CLOWN. Vent my folly! He has heard that word of some
great man, and now applies it to a fool. Vent my folly! I am
afraid this great lubber, the world, will prove a cockney. I
prithee now, ungird thy strangeness, and tell me what I shall
vent to my lady; shall I vent to her that thou art coming?
SEBASTIAN. I prithee, foolish Greek, depart from me.
There 's money for thee; if you tarry longer, I shall give worse payment.
CLOWN. By my troth, thou hast an open hand. These
wise men that give fools money get themselves a good report after
fourteen years' purchase.
[Enter SIR ANDREW, SIR TOBY, and FABIAN.]
SR ANDREW. Now, sir, have I met you again? there 's for
you.
SEBASTIAN. Why, there 's for thee, and there, and there.
Are all the people mad?
SIR TOBY. Hold, sir, or I 'll throw your dagger o'er
the house.
CLOWN. This will I tell my lady straight. I would
not be in some of your coats for twopence.
[Exit.]
SIR TOBY. Come on, sir; hold.
SIR ANDREW. Nay, let him alone: I 'll go another way to
work with him; I 'll have an action of battery against him, if
there be any law in Illyria: though I struck him first, yet it
's no matter for that.
SEBASTIAN. Let go thy hand.
SIR TOBY. Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my
young soldier, put up your iron: you are well flesh'd; come on.
SEBASTIAN. I will be free from thee. What wouldst thou
now? If thou dar'st tempt me further, draw thy
sword.
SIR TOBY. What, what? Nay, then I must have an ounce
or two of this malapert blood from you.
[Enter OLIVIA.]
OLIVIA. Hold, Toby; on thy life, I charge thee, hold!
SIR TOBY. Madam!
OLIVIA. Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch,
Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves, Where manners ne'er were preach'd! Out of
my sight! Be not offended, dear Cesario.
Rudesby, be gone!
[Exeunt SIR TOBY, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN.]
I prithee, gentle friend, Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, sway
In this uncivil and unjust extent Against thy peace. Go with me to my house;
And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks This ruffian hath botch'd up, that thou thereby
Mayst smile at this: thou shalt not choose but go;
Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me, He started one poor heart of mine in thee.
SEBASTIAN. What relish is in this? how runs the stream?
Or I am mad, or else this is a dream. Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep;
If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!
OLIVIA. Nay, come, I prithee. Would thou'dst be rul'd
by me!
SEBASTIAN. Madam, I will.
OLIVIA. O, say so, and so be!
[Exeunt.]
SCENE II.
OLIVIA'S house.
[Enter MARIA and CLOWN.]
MARIA. Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this
beard; make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do it quickly;
I 'll call Sir Toby the whilst.
[Exit.]
CLOWN. Well, I 'll put it on, and I will dissemble
myself in 't; and I would I were the first that ever dissembl'd
in such a gown. I am not tall enough to become the function well,
nor lean enough to be thought a good student; but to be said
an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say
a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.
[Enter SIR TOBY and MARIA.]
SIR TOBY. Jove bless thee, master parson!
CLOWN. Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit
of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to
niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is is'; so I, being master
parson, am master parson; for, what is 'that' but 'that,' and
'is' but 'is'?
SIR TOBY. To him, Sir Topas.
CLOWN. What, ho, I say, peace in this prison!
SIR TOBY. The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.
MALVOLIO. [Within] Who calls there?
CLOWN. Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio
the lunatic.
MALVOLIO. Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to
my lady.
CLOWN. Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this
man! talkest thou nothing but of ladies?
SIR TOBY. Well said, master parson.
MALVOLIO. Sir Topas, never was man thus wrong'd; good
Sir Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me here in
hideous darkness.
CLOWN. Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by
the most modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones that will
use the devil himself with courtesy. Say'st thou that house is dark?
MALVOLIO. As hell, Sir Topas.
CLOWN. Why, it hath bay-windows transparent as barricadoes,
and the clerestories toward the south north are as
lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of obstruction?
MALVOLIO. I am not mad, Sir Topas; I say to you, this
house is dark.
CLOWN. Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness
but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzl'd than the Egyptians
in their fog.
MALVOLIO. I say, this house is as dark as ignorance,
though ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there was never
man thus abus'd. I am no more mad than you are; make the trial of
it in any constant question.
CLOWN. What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning
wild fowl?
MALVOLIO. That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit
a bird.
CLOWN. What think'st thou of his opinion?
MALVOLIO. I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve
his opinion.
CLOWN. Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness;
thou shalt hold th' opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow
of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock lest thou dispossess the
soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.
MALVOLIO. Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
SIR TOBY. My most exquisite Sir Topas!
CLOWN. Nay, I am for all waters.
MARIA. Thou mightst have done this without thy beard
and gown; he sees thee not.
SIR TOBY. To him in thine own voice, and bring me word
how thou find'st him; I would we were well rid of this knavery.
If he may be conveniently deliver'd, I would he were, for
I am now so far in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue
with any safety this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my
chamber.
[Exeunt SIR TOBY and MARIA.]
CLOWN. [Singing] Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
Tell me how thy lady does.
MALVOLIO. Fool,—
CLOWN. My lady is unkind, perdy.
MALVOLIO. Fool,—
CLOWN. Alas, why is she so?
MALVOLIO. Fool, I say,—
CLOWN. She loves another— Who calls, ha?
MALVOLIO. Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well
at my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper; as I am
a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for't.
CLOWN. Master Malvolio?
MALVOLIO. Ay, good fool.
CLOWN. Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five
wits?
MALVOLIO. Fool, there was never man so notoriously abus'd;
I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.
CLOWN. But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you
be no better in your wits than a fool.
MALVOLIO. They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness,
send ministers to me, ***, and do all they can to face
me out of my wits.
CLOWN. Advise you what you say; the minister is here.
Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore! endeavour
thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble babble.
MALVOLIO. Sir Topas!
CLOWN. Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who,
I, sir? not I, sir. God be wi' you, good Sir Topas! Marry, amen.
I will, sir, I will.
MALVOLIO. Fool, fool, fool, I say!
CLOWN. Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir?
I am shent for speaking to you.
MALVOLIO. Good fool, help me to some light and some
paper. I tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.
CLOWN. Well-a-day that you were, sir!
MALVOLIO. By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper,
and light; and convey what I will set down to my lady. It
shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.
CLOWN. I will help you to 't. But tell me true, are
you not mad indeed, or do you but counterfeit?
MALVOLIO. Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.
CLOWN. Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see
his brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.
MALVOLIO. Fool, I 'll requite it in the highest degree;
I prithee, be gone.
CLOWN. [Singing]
I am gone, sir, And anon, sir,
I 'll be with you again, In a trice,
Like to the old Vice, Your need to sustain;
Who, with dagger of lath, In his rage and his wrath,
Cries, ah, ha! to the devil: Like a mad lad,
Pare thy nails, dad; Adieu, goodman devil.
[Exit.]
SCENE III.
OLIVIA'S garden.
[Enter SEBASTIAN.]
SEBASTIAN. This is the air; that is the glorious sun;
This pearl she gave me, I do feel 't and see 't;
And though 't is wonder that enwraps me thus, Yet 't is not madness. Where 's Antonio, then?
I could not find him at the Elephant: Yet there he was; and there I found this credit,
That he did range the town to seek me out. His counsel now might do me golden service;
For though my soul disputes well with my sense, That this may be some error, but no madness,
Yet doth this accident and flood of fortune So far exceed all instance, all discourse,
That I am ready to distrust mine eyes And wrangle with my reason, that persuades
me To any other trust but that I am mad,
Or else the lady 's mad; yet if 't were so, She could not sway her house, command her
followers, Take and give back affairs and their dispatch
With such a smooth, discreet, and stable bearing As I perceive she does. There 's something
in 't That is deceivable. But here the lady comes.
[Enter OLIVIA and PRIEST.]
OLIVIA. Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean
well, Now go with me and with this holy man
Into the chantry by. There, before him, And underneath that consecrated roof,
Plight me the full assurance of your faith; That my most jealous and too doubtful soul
May live at peace. He shall conceal it Whiles you are willing it shall come to note,
What time we will our celebration keep According to my birth. What do you say?
SEBASTIAN. I 'll follow this good man, and go with you;
And, having sworn truth, ever will be true.
OLIVIA. Then lead the way, good father; and heavens
so shine That they may fairly note this act of mine!
[Exeunt.] End of Scene 3.
End of Act IV. �