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Anyone watching thinking we know
*** all
about knowing *** all about owt,
needs to watch their back.
So, you've had your Labour,
reclassifying skunk,
sending prices sky-high.
Literally, literally taking the grass
from its own roots!
Now you've got your Con-Dem Nation.
Liberals noshing Tories,
like altar boys picking dimps up!
Have we had a national
*** stroke,
or what?
Is revolution a word,
or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know,
we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for ***'s sake,
we live in Manchester,
and they charge us for water!
I wandered lonely as a clown
Necking mushrooms rarely found
This green and pleasant land
In ancient times
Yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak!
It's not theirs any more.
This is our England now.
Party!
'I never got that whole
Robin Hood thing, me.
'I mean, for a start he used to hang
about in the woods with a monk,
'plus he wore tights.
'Now don't get me wrong,
I'm down with robbing the rich,
'but giving to the poor? *** that!
'Finders keepers.
'
Justine! Get out of there now,
you *** ***!
'You never hear the word "poor"
any more, do you?
'We've been re-branded.
Now we're "underprivileged.
"
'I think I prefer "benefit ***.
"
'It's less patronising.
'If Robin Hood were around today,
I wouldn't take owt off him, anyway.
'I've always taken care of meself,
thanks.
'We all get dealt a bad hand
now and again.
'But the mark of a man is
to pick himself up and move on.
'You know what they say
'If life hands you lemons'
***!
What's this?
What's it look like?
Ooh, it's your tab.
So I've built up a couple of weeks
on tick.
Just, you know I'm good for it.
Are you? Look, Shane,
I know how it is, OK?
And if things are tight,
I could always find a few bits
for you to do round here until
Oh, yeah.
You'd love that, you,
wouldn't you? Go on.
What've you got in mind, ferreting
tumble-pubes out the urinal?
I'll even throw in a pair
of marigolds.
Thanks - I'm not a charity case!
Fine.
We'll stop treating you
like one, then.
Pay your tab or get on the wagon.
Aaaaah!
Sorry.
Lads night in, me and Carl.
Oh yeah? I'm sure you'll be
very happy together.
Don't know how that got there.
Aye!
Dirty ***.
Human Centipede,
supposed to be well funny.
Yeah, about that.
I can't make it, sorry.
Clem put her foot down, has she?
Mate, come with us if you like.
We're not doin' owt,
just having a drink by the canal.
Nah, no thanks - wouldn't want
to be a sixth wheel.
That's funny.
See ya later.
So, how's tall, black and jobless?
Nothing about, work-wise.
All the fight's gone out of him,
he seems resigned to curling up
and licking his wounds.
I used to be able to do that.
Before me back.
Seriously, Gloria,
what is that smell?
What smell?
It smells like sex.
Oh! There's a naked man climbing
out from your laundry basket!
Oh!
Dominic.
Do we need to see that
first thing?
I'm trying to earn me keep.
Out!
Mmm!
Ladies.
Ooh!
Dominic!
Who was that?
Me brother.
The priest?!
What is it with priests
and big nobs?
It's not funny!
Catherine.
Now then, Dom.
Didn't know you was back?
Where's the dog collar?
Dry cleaners.
Can I have a pint, please and, er,
a couple of chasers?
You haven't lost the faith?
You've not gone Protestant,
have you?!
No, no, I'm just having a break,
that's all.
How'd you wangle that?
Won a draw, names in a mitre.
How comes you not been in to see us,
then? What you been doing?
Just keeping busy.
No, this is better than money,
I'm telling you.
It's a two-man operation, like.
I'd help meself, but
How many cigarettes are we talking,
here?
Enough.
Delivery guy always stops at this
one particular store,
then goes in for a bit
of extra-marital
with one of the late shift.
Leaves his van just sitting there,
half stocked.
Two-man job, yeah?
Maybe ask one of your brothers?
Er, I have got other mates,
thank you.
Course you have.
So, are we squits,
then?
Yeah.
We squits.
Enjoying your tap water?
Champion.
*** 'em! ***!
Shake-and-vac!
Don't afford what
you can't touch.
Kelly.
What?!
You *** wish!
Do you reckon he had somebody
at the house with him?
Well, he claims he can't remember,
but there was someone,
I'll tell you that.
Cos I just spent the afternoon
wire-brushing the dry remnants
of her off me *** sofa cushions.
Urgh!
Are priests allowed to do that?
Oh, he's a dogma unto himself,
that one.
And besides,
he's on "extended sabbatical.
"
Why?
He won a draw.
Yeah, and the second prize was
a Popemobile.
Oh, right.
"Popemobile"!
Because it's stealing.
Because it's against the law!
Oh, the law? And the *** law's
done us a lot of favours recently,
hasn't it, Jackson?
Oh, right, right.
So this is
all about revenge, is it?
Sticking it to the man?
Look, if it makes you feel better,
for me it's about the money.
A lot of money, actually.
Each.
A 60-40 split.
I don't care how much it is,
I'm not risking me whole
Hang on, what do you mean,
"60-40"?
Well, it's my gig, innit?
I'm providing the transport.
Hey, I'm doing anything,
then it's 50-50 or nothing.
Does this mean you're in?
Easy, you say?
Fish in a barrel.
You are sure?
Never been surer.
Is that Ches?
Thought you said he wasn't coming.
Who's that with him?
Looks like Lise
Call her Toploader.
Toploader?
Yeah.
All right? This is Clem Lise.
How's it going?
And you know Carl
Yeah, we've met.
Right, I'll get on the bevs.
Oh, hey - you're in a wheelchair.
So I am!
Them are some ***.
Thanks!
Oh! Jesus Christ,
get you a *** bell or something.
Well?
Well, I was thinking
more of an inner city, council-run
nursin' home meself,
but if you think they'll have you
For Stella!
Her birthday.
Tomorrow!
I know it's her birthday tomorrow.
Think I don't know
me own daughter's birthday?
That's tomorrow!
Her birthday was two months ago -
you IOU'd her a special day out.
I'm a bit strapped.
It's free admission.
I also can't be bothered.
No, no, if you think having
a stroke's gonna guilt-trip me
It's muscle fatigue, comes and goes.
I'll barely be able to
move by the morning,
probably going to need help
getting on and off the toilet
Fine! I'll go.
Are you gonna tell them or what?
Yeah ermI'm moving in with Clem.
Way to sound enthusiastic Carl,
cheers.
It's a bitsudden, innit?
Sorry, don't you mean
"congratulations"?
Yeah.
'Course.
Congratulations, mate.
Cheers.
So I'll see you at 10:30
in the morning,
for highlights and a blow-dry.
All right, bye love.
Nice! Who's it from?
Could be anyone, couldn't it,
but if I had to guess I'd say
it's the sober half of
whoever you were up to your balls in
last night.
Aren't you worried he knows where
you're livingsorry, sponging?
He won't follow through.
People
don't commit to anything these days.
I hope not.
It'll be hard for me
to coax punters through the door
with your *** nailed
to the outside of it.
Something you said then
You got me thinking.
What did? "***" or "nailed"?
Yes
Brilliant.
Who'd you ***?
Cinderella?
Shall we take it round pubs -
"Whomsoever this bra fits"
I'm game.
Right.
Here we go.
You done this kind of thing a lot?
I like to think I'm an old pro,
yeah.
Ever got caught?
Oh, wonderful!
Right, let him get in there,
give 'em a couple of minutes, let
'em start getting their jiggy on
In case of cameras.
What makes you think there'd be
Did you bring me one?
No.
Why not?
I figured you'd bring your own.
Old pro an' all.
Come on, you ***' idiot
Right Off you go.
You what?
One of us has got to stay up here,
right?
Throw us as much as you can,
and I'll help you back up.
Why don't you go down there and
Bagsie up here!
Sorry - law of the playground.
It's not *** Belmarsh!
***'s sake.
Get over.
Get over!
I'm trying
My mask!
Oh, for ***'s sake
Oi! I thought you only said
you had one pair.
Think I'm letting you
stick your face in my wife's tights?
Whatever, Jackson,
just get on with it!
He's probably mentally counting off
the England '96 squad by now.
It's locked.
It opens upwards!
You've a lot to say for a spectator!
What are you doing?!
Having a look.
Who's going to get us
back up there now?
- Y'all right?
- Yeah.
Look, mate, you can do better.
Say that again?
***'s sake, Carl, she's
What?
You know
I mean, can she even?
Yeah, she can.
And a *** lot better than
Toploader too.
You and Lise?!
Me and a lot of birds
and none of them,
not one - even come close.
You need to start
opening your eyes seriously, man.
The way she talks all the time,
big "I am"
Anybody can go to university,
you know.
They probably only took her cos
she's
*** you.
*** off.
What?
We're going.
Bye-bye!
Bye-bye.
***! OK
Calm down
Right.
We'll take the whole thing,
we'll ride it out the front
like Butch Cassidy.
How did we go from nicking ***
to grand theft auto?
It's called improvising, Jackson!
Stand back.
***!
Sorry
That's my ***!
***, I said stand back!
Oi!
Derek!
Fish in a barrel?!
***
Shane!
Shane!
Hello!
What's all this then?
It's er, contributions for the farm.
I thought it was free.
Yeah - go on, off you go, chicken.
Aaaah!
I think we're done here, Princess.
Just remember -
if the old bag asks
Whoa!
Come on
Wasn't my fault.
Neverwork with amateurs.
That your dinner is it?
Since you blew our pay day, as a
matter of fact it is Jackson, yeah.
I grabbed it
when you knocked all the *** over.
That was you!
They're out of date.
Sell-by's are ***.
You can
always add a week on.
Besides,
it's ***' free,
what d'you want?
Cost two quid in the shops, them.
Lise
Mmm?
I've been thinking.
We're
getting on all right, aren't we?
Yeah.
Sowhat do you reckon
we just go for it?
Why don't you move in with me?
Well
I'll have to ask Ryan.
Who's Ryan?
He's sort of my boyfriend
But I'll definitely think about it.
All right?
So
What we gonna do about it, then?
He's your best mate, I'm a wheelie.
I'm not good enough for him, right?
Don't talk ***.
Uh-huh.
Well, tomorrow, me and you
are going on a picnic,
we'll take it from there.
You don't mind me going on a date
with your boyfriend, do you?
Eh?
Oh
I didn't even know you knew Ryan.
Yeah.
If you like.
I'm probably
moving in with Ches anyway.
Right
See you tomorrow.
I don't get it.
Why risk our arses nicking stuff
they're going to be
keeping an eye on?
Take stuff past its sell-by,
sell it on - money for nothing.
So you want us to
to stealgarbage?
Yes!
And do what with it?
Flog it off street corners?
Jackson, look at me.
Eh?
Do I look like
a ***' fruit and veg man?
A little, yeah.
But you're missing
the bigger picture.
I'm talking take in bulk,
sell in bulk.
Schools, kitchens - anywhere
that's after cutting corners
and saving pennies.
There's profit in their rubbish.
It's original, I'll give you that.
Jog any memories?
Didn't wear matching underwear,
so a classy bird as usual
She wasn't blonde after all.
She was a redhead.
Good!
We're narrowing it down then.
Open this door, you ***' ***!
What are you doing, he'll beat
the crap out of you! Shut up!
Do you want me to torch
your ***' place?!
Do you think he wants these back?
Open the ***' door!
Ssh!
You ***!
You're ***' dead.
I'm ***'
coming for you, I'm telling you!
I think he's gone.
It's OK, stay there.
Ssh, it's OK
Don't
It's all right, he's gone.
See?
I told you it'd be OK, didn't I?
You could give us a hand?
I do love you, Glores,
butmanual labour?
Jesus was a carpenter!
Yeah Look where it got him.
Eh, Dom?
This is stupid.
You're a very negative person, Ches.
A nice picnic is just what we need
to get to know each other.
So, apart from the fact
he's going out with me,
I hear you're *** off with
our Carl for not joining you
on the reccie drugs any more?
Yeah, well what do you expect?
Now that he's all, "uphold the law,"
"serve the public trust.
"
Sickening, isn't it? So
.
.
regular
.
.
or decaf?
Was I here a few nights ago?
I wasn't on.
Do you get any redheads in?
Well, just Ginger Pete.
Unless he's a 32C, he's probably
not who I'm after.
Pint?
Real leather?
What?
LEATHER!
Kelly!
What the ***?
She called me a *** lesbian!
You're barred.
You are barred.
Eight.
What?
Don't think girls can rate
other girls' arses?
No.
That's weird.
Now THAT'S an eight.
Five.
Nah, three.
Eh, seven.
Six.
Nine!
So?
No way!
I won't tell Carl.
I am not rating a guy's ***.
Four.
*** off! He's barely a three!
***!
*** hell!
Two years and I ended it with him.
Why?
I caught him.
Cheating?
Not exactly.
You and Carl have got no chance,
he's practically in training
for the Olympics.
Yeah, it wasn't so much the deed
itself, more the visual aid.
"Pedigree Pets.
"
What dog was
German Shepherd.
*** hell!
They're not even that fit.
There!
You know what?
I remember.
She was black.
It's not funny any more, Dominic.
I laid awake last night worrying
that nutter was coming back.
And you have done nothing
to try and find out who it was
you were actually with.
I've narrowed it down.
I've already crossed off Ginger Pete.
What is wrong with you?
Does nothing ever bother you?
You flit about like there's never
going to be any consequences,
like it's all
just going to work out
It usually does.
No it doesn't!
You just wind up back here
and muggins has to drag you
out of the fire.
So maybe you should stop.
This is my home, Dominic.
And I'm tired of taking the punches
cos you won't.
All right.
I'm sorry, Sis.
Listen, about the plan,
we have to make sure
Way ahead of you.
What's this?
This stuff's going to be a lot
bigger than cigarettes.
OK, here's what we do.
In and out, ten minutes tops.
That's the roof, there.
Those are the cages.
Head over to them, fill your bags
with as much as you can,
bring 'em back here.
Then I'll pull them up,
unload them here
and pass the bags back down again.
Easy.
You drew this?
Yeah.
And, er, that's me, is it, there?
Yeah.
Why am I so small?
It's not to scale, Shane.
Oh, but that's you, is it?
Up there, taking it easy whilst
I run around like a little pack-mule?
I came up with the plan.
The plan?
You drew a *** picture.
That suddenly make you
brains of the operation now?
Yeah.
That's right.
I am.
Admit it.
You had fun.
Well, I did.
We should do it again some time.
Maybe invite Carl? He doesn't get
to mess about much any more.
Well, he gets everything else.
It wouldn't have mattered who
he was moving in with, would it?
You just don't like the idea of him
getting on with his life.
What're you on about?
Jesus, what was the point of any of
this? What do I have to do?
I am not going to be one of those
girls that comes between mates.
So do you wanna *** me, or what?
Will that do it -
even things up a bit?
What d'you mean?
I'll give you a hand job right now.
If that's what it takes.
Frank, what you doing?
What you doing?
What's that?
An Albanian snow leopard.
It's a terrapin.
Why bother asking, then?
Whatever it is, he's dying.
It's not a tortoise, it needs water.
There you go, Terry.
Terry?
It's his name.
So how did your great experiment go?
Manage to win him over?
She has her moments.
Anything you can't do?
Water-skiing.
But I'll get there.
By the way,
offered him a no-strings ***
and he said no, loyal mate this one.
Naw, he just couldn't get it up,
could he?
*** off!
Yay! Hug it out!
Yeah, that's probably not
gonna happen is it?!
So you really offered him a ***?
Yep.
And he really said no?
Go.
And remember the deal,
two loads and then we swap.
Get down here.
Pulling a plastic bag over
barbed wire, *** genius,
well done, mate!
And this is your plan, is it?
You're the brains now, are you?
And the brawn.
That's debatable.
Yeah? You wanna have a ***
go, do yer?
Maybe I do, yeah.
Come on, then!
It's not what it looks like.
Brilliant.
That should fool him!
Oh you think you can do better.
Yeah, I could.
Be my ***' guest.
How much, mate? To turn a blind eye?
Twenty quid?
You do know that stuff's
out of date?
And you want to pay me
to let you nick out-of-date food?
Apparently.
*** it.
Make it 25 and I'll help you
load it up myself.
Done!
You're off, then, are you?
New life - moving in with your
little sympathy-vote girlfriend?
Watch your mouth.
Fair do's.
Don't forget Father's Day.
That's it?
It would appear so.
You really are a ***,
you know that?
I practise, the luckier I get.
If you're looking to cash-in
your inheritance, I've invested it
on your behalf.
I'm just glad to kick the dust
of this ***-hole off my shoes.
We're glad to see the back of you.
I'm ashamed of you,
you know that - always have been.
You're the one ride I always wished
I'd worn a Johnny for.
Two, for safety.
I really *** hate you.
I know.
Likewise.
You ***.
You ball-bag.
Mondays and Thursdays
before the staff get in.
Two schools, two shelters,
and three old farts' homes.
You know what we've got here,
don't you?
What?
A *** business.
What you doing?!
Terry?!
What in God's name
is wrong with you now?
Where is he? What have you done?
Terry?
Who's Terry?
He's my *** terrapin,
who else would he be?
What?
Where is he?! What have you done?
Terry! Where is he?
You've killed him!
We were the same, him and me.
All alone in the world,
dumped in the gutter,
loved ones gone forever.
Admittedly, in his case,
cos I'd stood on them all but
Aaaah!
There he is! Hey!
Aah! He went home!
He wet his head and crawled home.
What did I tell you?
He's just like me.
Rent's on Friday, keep
the noise down and if you ever bring
any women back make sure she's
got a friend for me, yeah?
Good news!
Yeah?
I talked to Ryan.
We're through.
Oh.
So, I'm moving in.
Be nice living in a shop
Oh, can I have this?
Yeah.
I'll bring my stuff round later
this afternoon, yeah?
Wanna make it official?
It's gonna be nice walking in
there, money for the kitty,
not feeling like such a loser.
Last few weeks been hard,
haven't felt like a man,
me and her have hardly even fu
Woah, woah, woah, woah!
What the *** are you doing?
Caring and sharing?
We're business partners.
This is not a ***
self-help group.
Plus I still owe you a slap.
Now *** off.
Oh, er, Jackson?
Give her one from me though, eh?
You are the brawn after all.
Yeah, and the brains.
So what does that make you?
Hmmthe good-looking one?
Ches?
Chesney?
Erghhhh!
Yesss!
Ches?
Karen'll go mental.
You know the rules -
nothing with four legs
unless it's got a blind person
attached to it.
Perhaps you'd think about staying
somewhere elsejust for a bit?
I think witness relocation's
a bit strong, don't you?
Look, I've done nothing wrong,
well, legally.
Look, I'll just
Don't say it'll work out,
please, Dominic.
Fella's been asking after you
last couple of days
Let us know
when he's in again, yeah?
He's in now.
It's all right, I'll just,
I'll have a nice word,
you know, straighten it out.
Do you really ever?
I remember now,
there was two of them.
And the black girl,
she had red hair, which
I thought was pretty strange
when you come to think about it.
This'll be that consequence
you've been banging on about?
I guess that's what it is.
I want a *** word with you.
Gentlemen, please.
Don't.
He *** their wives
both of themat once.
Isn't he a priest?
For what it's worth,
they're lovely girls.
Get up!
What the *** is that thing?!
His name is Terry.
There, that'll do.
Cheers.
You're welcome.
Wake up call?
I need a drink.
Now!
Why don't you let me
get you one, eh?
OK.
Glores, sub us a tenner, yeah?
Mum? Mum?!
If you're gonna
borrow my tights at least
Eractually that was me.
Oh, God, I don't want to know
Just give me some money
and I'm out for the day.
Kitchen.
We're going out too.
I'm buying you dinner.
'Oooh, flush are we?'
Now, please, can I have a pint?
Of course.
Come on,
you know I'm good for it.
'Ah, I don't know.
'Maybe Robin Hood kind of had
the right idea,
'just didn't have very good
business sense, that's all.
'Cos the thing about the poor is,
they'll always find money
'if they need it,
for the necessities and that.
'You see that's why you never see
a sober homeless.
'Steal from the rich, sell to
the rich and let them mark it up
'for the poor.
Now that should
have been his thing, the daft ***.
'You see I've always liked
being at rock bottom.
'Then any little victory you can
muster tastes so much sweeter.
'One little gamble and suddenly
everything is coming up roses.
'
I think you're bored, Karen.
I reckon I could have that girl
flat on her back any time I like.
I think you've made a mistake.
The drink is taking its toll.
And the drugs.
And you know you have to be careful.
He bet he could get you into bed
and if he does he winsme.
You've saved someone's life
today, you know.
You saved one life.
But you're not suddenly a superhero.
You can't save everybody.
I am going to *** you rather
spectacularly, Dom.
OK.
Next
I'm so sorry.
Nice set though.