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What's the matter, Julie? Who was that?
It was a crank call.
I don't know why kids have to make crank calls.
Did you ever do that?
Just once.
When I was about 11.
We called up a butcher.
We said, "Hello, is this the butcher?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
We said, "Do you have pig's feet?"
He said, "We certainly do."
I said, "Well, where do you buy your shoes?"
(male announcer) '"Welcome back, Kotter" is recorded live'
'before a studio audience.'
[theme music]
[John Sebastian singing "Welcome back Kotter"]
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪
♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪
♪ Right here where we need ya ♪
♪ Right here where we need ya ♪
♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪♪
[theme music]
Mr. Woodman, uh, mixing these two classes
do you think that's the right thing to do?
This flu epidemic has hit us hard, Kotter.
Miss Fishbein, half my other teachers are out sick.
I've gotta combine what's left
of our academically enriched class..
...with your Sweathogs.
I don't know, Mr. Woodman, mixing Miss Fishbein's class
with the Sweathogs
is like mixing strawberries and mustard.
What's the matter with strawberries and mustard?
I eat it every day.
[scatting]
What is he doing?
He was just pretending to play the bass.
Isn't there some other way, Mr. Woodman?
He was pretending. They do a lot of pretending in that class.
They pretend to be students, he pretends to be a teacher.
Epstein, where you going? What's the matter?
You're going flying?
No, you're not? You're sick of flying?
'Your stomach is fla..'
Flew?
You just flew in from Vegas, and boy, is your stomach tired.
No? Oh, you're sick. You got the flu?
Yeah, yeah.
(Epstein) Flu.
Sick.
Gonna die.
This uh, flu epidemic is a crisis, Kotter.
You remember what General Patton used to say?
Sure I do. He said, "School is hell."
No, he didn't say that.
He said, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going."
What's the matter, Mr. Woodman?
You flew, you got the flu?
You're sick?
You're flying to Epstein, let me know.
Alright, good morning.
(all) Good morning, Mr. Kotter.
As you see, Miss Fishbein is out with the flu
so some of her students will be joining us.
Let's give them a nice, warm Sweathog welcome.
[blowing raspberry]
Aye yo, Mr. Kotter..
...if they're academically enriched, then what is we?
Unenriched?
No. You're dumb.
[laughing]
Hey, Howdy Doody.
Why don't you take one end of a rubber hose
and put it in your mouth?
And then, you take the other, and put it up your nose.
And then, you blow till your brains fall out!
Hey, Vinnie.
Vinnie, when are you gonna change the oil in your hair?
[laughing]
Aye aye, Judy.
You know how you can lose ten ugly pounds in a hurry?
Have your head removed.
[all laughing]
Alright, come on, come on, enough of this.
Come on, let's settle down.
Boy, we have a lot more casual.. Arnold is absent!
Yeah, I don't think Arnold's been absent
the whole time I've known him.
Yeah, he never gets sick.
I guess it's probably because no germ
would wanna live in his body.
[laughing]
Hey, all. Hey, all!
Hey, hey, hey.
Arnold, will you take that mask off
so we can understand what you're saying?
All I said was, hey, hey, hey.
It's nice to be safe, but you can carry
flu prevention a little bit too far.
You know, Mr. Kotter, you're not looking so hot yourself.
How would you like some vitamins?
These are to make your complexion pretty.
These are to strengthen your teeth and your nails.
And these are to make you friskier with the missus.
Which one of those pills do I take to make you sit down?
Oh, Mr. Kotter, g'head, g'head.
Yesterday, we were talking about world economics.
And the economics of the world greatly change
with the discovery of the new world.
Now, who was the first explorer to chart
the North American coastline?
Todd.
Amerigo Vespucci.
You made that up.
[all laughing]
"Amerigo Vespucci."
You mean, you don't know who Amerigo Vespucci was?
Of course, I know who he was.
That was Chef Boyardee's maiden name.
Okay..
...now, one of the most important trade routes
of the new world, maybe, the most important
was the Mississippi river.
Now, who discovered the Mississippi river?
Judy.
DeSoto.
DeSoto! That was the name of my father's first taxi cab! DeSoto!
Alright. I'm gonna ask you a very simple question.
Something we all know, 'cause we learnt it in the third grade.
What were the names of Columbus' three ships?
[Todd laughing]
Oh, I used to know that.
Me? Me? I don't know.
Freddie, come on, what is it, Freddie?
Alright, okay. You wanna know the three names
of Columbus' three ships, right?
Okay, I'm gonna give it to you.
Nina?
Nina. Right.
[cheering]
Okay, baby, there's a Nina, and a Pinto.
Pinto! That was the name of my father's second taxi cab!
That's Pinta!
- 'Oh!' - 'Right!'
Right, right, right, the Pinta.
Okay, now, we got the Nina, the Pinta and the..
(both) Go, Freddie go!
♪ We've got the Nina the Pinta and the..♪
Santa.
The Santa, Santa, Santa Anita!
[all laughing]
Santa Anita?
Yeah. That's the boat that all the horses sailed in.
Mr. Kotter.
Mr. Kotter, since we're on the subject of great explorers
I have some very interesting information
that I would like to share with the class.
It's about Lewis and Clark.
Al Lewis and Willie Clark.
"The Sunshine Boys." I've seen that movie many times.
Oh, Mr. Kotter, please, do your George Barnes.
Alright.
I remember the week I was working at the Tivoli theatre
Poughkeepsie, New York.
It was on a split bill and the other rack
was a young lady named Trixie X.
Terrific act, she used to have the map of England
tattooed on her body.
Big finish was she would show the audience
the White Cliffs of Dover.
Mr. Kotter, we're here to learn.
Miss Fishbein doesn't do impressions.
Yeah. All she ever does is tug out a girdle.
[laughing]
Ow!
As I was saying
in 1804, Lewis and Clark
were the first ones to explore the newly acquired territory
known as Louisiana Purchase.
They also had an Indian woman with them who acted as a guide.
Her name was Sacagawea, and she was fascinating.
'I could talk about her for hours 'cause she was the--'
Judy, Judy, give it to me later, alright?
[bell ringing]
- Alright. - Homework! Homework!
Homework, Mr. Kotter. You forgot--
(Mr. Kotter) 'Right. Homework. Tomorrow, I want you to answer'
the questions at the back of chapter six.
For tomorrow, manyana.
- Hey, Todd. - Yeah.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
- Todd. - Yeah.
You don't understand.
You see..
...when he forgets to give us homework..
...you're not supposed to remind him.
See, comprendo, dumbo.
- See. - Freddie, if I may?
Todd, on behalf of all the Sweathogs present
I will like to welcome you to our class.
- Ah, thanks, Arnold. - 'Thanks, Arnold.'
- What are you doing? - What are you doing?
- By the way, Todd. - Yeah.
You know that, that ***
that they scrape from the bottom of the barrel?
- Yeah. - That's you, Todd.
[all laughing]
[bell ringing]
Alright, alright, alright.
Come on, let's cut this out, alright?
We'll be together for few days maybe.
We're all here for the same thing, to learn.
You know what I learn today?
I'll tell you what I learn.
I learned that I don't know nothing.
No, Vinnie, you don't know anything.
See?
Alright, look, learning is like anything else.
People just don't all do it at the same pace.
It's like the stomach flu.
Some people get it..
...some people don't get it.
I think I got it.
- Julie. - What's the matter?
I have zero temperature.
I think you're probably just reading it wrong.
Oh!
According to this, you died three days ago.
How do you feel, honey?
You know that *** they scrape from the bottom of the barrel?
Why don't you just come on and get back in bed?
I can't. I gotta go to school.
I cannot leave my kids alone with Miss Fishbein's class.
I mean, they're starting to feel inadequate already.
If I don't show up, they'll probably
just stop trying to learn.
Besides, they'll put them with Mr. Melmann's metal shop
if I'm not there.
So?
Those kids, alone, in the metal shop class?
They'll build a tank.
Honey, you are crazy.
I know.
That's what makes this marriage work.
Alright. What do you want me to make you for breakfast?
Don't talk about that. Don't mention that word.
Do you want me to pack you a lunch?
Do not talk about food. Please, no food.
Honey, you cannot go an entire day without eating.
I know that. That's why I'm gonna make myself a sandwich.
I got a nice sandwich that I'm gonna make.
Couple pieces of bread.
Then you put on some Anacin.
Some Pepto-Bismol.
Then you get some Milk of Magnesia.
And you got a nice medicine sandwich.
- And then for desert. - What?
- You can get some nasal spray. - Oh, good.
- I don't feel good, Julie. - Ooh.
(Mr. Kotter) 'Well, good morning.'
Nice to see the bright, smiling backs of your heads.
You are looking very chipper yourself this morning.
Aye, Horshack.
Look, Kotter, you don't need us no more.
You finally got some smart kids you can teach.
So, why don't you just pretend we ain't here, okay?
Oh, little babies got their feelings hurt.
They're going to do the old
"we're not gonna face Mr. Kotter" routine, right?
They're gonna pull the old "we'll stick our heads
in the sand and be sweat ostriches" routine.
It's gonna be the old..
That's enough! Come on! Turn those chairs around.
Now!
Facing the front.
Okay. I mean, the way you guys are acting
we're right back to the first day of school.
It's like we haven't learned anything.
No.
Now, we're back to the first day of school.
This is nice, huh?
This is the way for high school students to act.
Throwing paper airplanes at their teacher.
Well, I won't stand for it.
Hey, don't fool around with an ex-Sweathog.
Mr. Kotter, I've got a note explaining my absenteeism.
"Dear, Mr. Kotter, please excuse Juan abs.."
Aren't you gonna read along?
"Please excuse Juan's absence, he was home sick
"with the stomach flu.
Sincerely, Mrs. Epstein."
Fine.
It's okay, Juan, your excuse is perfectly legitimate.
I know.
That's the problem.
It's a first legit excuse I've turned in in 11 years.
Me, Juan Epstein, the flim-flam man of Buchanan High School.
A legit excuse.
What's the world coming to?
Hey, Juan.
How are you feeling, Juan?
Uh, better, Horshack.
Good.
Hey, Juan, I didn't finish my lunch yesterday.
You want half a liverwurst sandwich?
Mmm.
Mr. Kotter, can I have my note back?
Put that thing away, Arnold, before you empty the school out.
Alright, yesterday, you were supposed to answer
the questions on the back of chapter six.
Will everyone please take out their homework?
Now.
Mr. Vincent Barbarino, I don't see any homework.
Alright, so, I didn't do my homework.
So, excuse me for living.
How about you, Arnold? Did you do your homework?
W-e-l-l..
Mr. Kotter, if Vinnie did not do his homework
then the chances is very great that I didn't do mine either.
How about you, Freddie?
[clearing throat]
Well, you see, uh..
Hi, there.
Hi, there. Homework.
Oh, homework? I don't happen to have my homework here handy.
Did you do your homework?
No.
Did anybody in this class do their homework?
I did mine, Mr. Kotter.
Thank you, Todd.
My homework's right here too, Mr. Kotter.
It's typed.
In triplicate.
Naturally.
Aye, yo, Mr. Kotter..
...why do you need our homework for?
They got all the answers.
Yeah. What we got is a lot of questions.
I don't want you to stop asking questions.
Asking questions is how you learn.
You can't just quit.
What would have happened if George Washington quit, huh?
Abraham Lincoln quit?
What would happen if Murray Kornfeld quit?
I never heard of no Murray Kornfeld.
You know why you never heard of him? Because he quit!
Now, you wanna know why Miss Fishbein's class
know all the answers?
No.
Well, I'll tell you anyway.
They know all the answers because they learn, they study
because school's important to them.
You could know all the answers too.
All you have to do is study.
I gotta disagree with that, Mr. Kotter.
I tried it, it don't work.
I once opened up a book..
...and I studied it.
I mean, studied.
No foolin' around.
Fifteen solid minutes.
And nothing happened!
Look, you can learn anything you want, but that's the key word
you have to want to.
Now, you people know things that they don't know.
Sure. Like what?
Like what? Okay, I'll prove it to you.
You've heard of the college bowl?
Well, it's time to play the Kotter bowl.
Okay. First question.
Judy, who's the all time leading rebounder in the NBA?
The what?
[mimicking buzzer]
Wrong.
Can you it, Washington, Sweathogs?
Yeah, the all time leading rebounder in the NBA
is Wilt the stilt Chamberlain.
Who care? I hate baseball.
Next question.
You had a date with a girl at 8:30.
You've a date with another girl at 9 o'clock.
A blonde and brunette.
How can you keep both dates without letting
either one know about the other?
Can you take that, Todd, Fishbein?
Who would wanna go out with two girls in the same night?
[mimicking buzzer]
Barbarino, Sweathog.
Simple.
Alright, you got the blonde, right?
You tell her to meet you at Coney Island on the boardwalk.
Then you tell the brunette to meet you at Coney Island
under the boardwalk, right?
Then you spend the whole night going up and down, up and down.
Correct!
Excuse me, Mr. Kotter, but don't I know nothing?
Or am I the proverbial village mandrake?
Next question is a 25 point toss-up.
First one to answer it.
Okay, who were the stars of the musical movie
"Footlight Parade?"
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Me! Please, me!
Horshack, Sweathogs.
James Cagney, *** Powell, Joan Blondell, the ever popular
Ruby Keeler.
♪ By a waterfall I'm calling you ♪
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ohh ♪♪
And who can forget Cagney?
♪ I searched here and I searched there ♪
♪ I'm searching for my Shanghai Lil ♪
♪ He's searching for his Shanghai Lil ♪
♪ Boys make way for Shanghai Lil ♪♪
[no audio]
Well, Mr. Woodman, at least you and I are back on our feet.
You know, Kotter.
I was pretty sick last week.
And as I lay in my bed, I-I had a lot of time to think.
About my life and, uh..
...mistakes I made.
And, Kotter..
...there's something I want to tell you.
Yes, Mr. Woodman?
I still don't like you.
You dirty rat..
Awfully glad you could make it, Mr. Kotter.
Well, Arnold, I guess it's just you and me, huh?
Oh, yes. Isn't it grand?
Well, since I am a teacher and you are a student
there's no reason to waste a day.
We shouldn't start anything new with everybody absent.
Let's just review some of the old stuff.
Sure. G'head, g'head.
Okay, on the Lewis and Clark expedition
who was the Indian guy?
Oh! Oh! Oh! Please, me!
Julie, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Morris?
No. Why don't you?
- Alright, I certainly will. - 'Okay.'
He was in this country for five years
and he wanted to be a citizen more than anything.
He went to a judge to take his citizenship test.
He said, "Judge, I know everything about this country.
"I know from George Washington, Abraham Lincoln
"to declaration of Independence.
"I know the Emancipation Proclamation.
"But I don't think you're gonna let me be a citizen
because I don't speak good English."
Well, what did the judge say?
The judge said, "Don't you worry, you'll pass the test.."
[theme music]
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪
♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams have remained and they're turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪
♪ Here where we need ya ♪
♪ Here where we need ya ♪
♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪
♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back.. ♪♪