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Cabin Pressure, by John Finnemore, starring Stephanie Cole as Carolyn, Roger Allam as
Douglas, Benedict Cumberbatch as Martin and John Finnemore as Arthur.
This week, Qikiqtarjuaq!
CAROLYN: Good morning, gentlemen! How are we today? Satiated with the delights of New
York? All ready to go home? DOUGLAS: Yes.
MARTIN: Mmm, absolutely. CAROLYN: Then home we shall go ... almost
straightaway, pausing only for an extremely minor detour ...
DOUGLAS: Oh, no! MARTIN: Carolyn, I can't!
CAROLYN: ... in Toronto. DOUGLAS: Oh. Well, that is quite close.
CAROLYN: ... and then a quick stop to Qikiqtarjuaq and straight home.
DOUGLAS: ... Sorry, where? CAROLYN: Qikiqtarjuaq. Q-I-K ...
ARTHUR: Mum, sorry, but you forgot the U. CAROLYN: No, I did not. There isn't a U. It's
Q-I-K-I ... ARTHUR: No, Mum. There's always a U after
a Q. It's the law. Mrs Dimont taught me that -- eventually.
CAROLYN: And you are a credit to her. Nonetheless, the good people of Qikiqtarjuaq choose to
spell it Q-I-K-I-Q-T ... MARTIN: Another Q?!
CAROLYN: Yes. ... Q-T ... ARTHUR: Q-T?! Well, I'm not gonna be the one
to tell Mrs Dimont. DOUGLAS: Leaving the spelling bee aside for
a moment, where is this Qikiqtarryjack? CAROLYN: Are you referring to Qikiqtarjuaq?
DOUGLAS: You're really proud of yourself for having learned to say that, aren't you?
CAROLYN: Yes. Also, it's rather pleasing to say 'Qikiqtarjuaq'. Anyway, it's in Canada.
MARTIN: Near Toronto? CAROLYN: Near-ish.
MARTIN: How near-ish? CAROLYN: About, ooh, seventeen hundred miles.
MARTIN: No, Carolyn, I'm sorry. I absolutely can't. I've got a job on Thursday.
CAROLYN: No you haven't. MARTIN: I do. Not with MJN. I mean a delivery
job with my van. CAROLYN: Oh well, that doesn't matter.
MARTIN: It matters to me, Carolyn! It happens to be the only thing I'm actually paid to
do. DOUGLAS: Right -- I've looked it up on my
phone. It's a tiny isolated settlement in the Arctic Circle. Why on Earth are we going
there? CAROLYN: Because that is where the polar bears
are. DOUGLAS: And where do the polar bears want
to go? CAROLYN: The polar bears don't want to go
anywhere. The polar bears just want to be left in peace and quiet, but that is where
the polar bears find themselves *** out of luck, because we are picking up a dozen tourists
from Unbeaten Track Travel and flying them past every polar bear we can find between
Toronto and Qikiqtarjuaq. ARTHUR (almost bursting with excitement):
What?! Are we?! Polar bears?! We're gonna fly over polar bears?! And see them and look
at them and be with the polar bears?! CAROLYN: Yes, we are.
MARTIN: No, we're not. ARTHUR: Yes, we are, Skip!
MARTIN: No, we're not! For one thing, GERTI's much too fast a plane. You need a prop engined
aircraft to watch wildlife, not a jet. CAROLYN: Well, why can't you just fly slower?
ARTHUR: Yeah, we can just fly slower! MARTIN: No, we can't.
DOUGLAS: Of course we can. We can come down to a hundred, a hundred and twenty easily
as long as we watch the angle of bank. ARTHUR: Yeah, Martin! We just need to watch
the angle of bank and the polar bears! We need to watch the polar bears!
MARTIN: No, we can't. She'd be hard to manoeuvre and likely to stall. It would be incredibly
dangerous and unprofessional. DOUGLAS: Fun, though. When do we leave?
CAROLYN: Straightaway. MARTIN: No!
DOUGLAS: Good! ARTHUR: Brilliant!
CAROLYN: Oh, if you're online, Douglas, look up 'polar bears' or 'exploring' or something.
DOUGLAS: Why? CAROLYN: Because one of you will have to give
a lecture on it. Unbeaten Track's thing is that the crew are all experts on the region
and they give lectures. ARTHUR: Can I give a lecture on polar bears?
CAROLYN (instantly): No. DOUGLAS: What do you know about polar bears,
Arthur? ARTHUR: Polar bears are ... brilliant.
DOUGLAS: You might want to pad that out with some PowerPoints.
DOUGLAS: All right. Alfred Hitchcock. MARTIN: Ooh, okay. Let's hear it.
(Bing-***.) DOUGLAS (over cabin address): Hallo. My name
is First Officer Douglas Richardson. On behalf of the captain and myself, a warm welcome
aboard this MJN flight to Qikiqtarjuaq. Just to let you know we will be flying out from
Toronto today, roughly "North by Northwest" at the "Vertigo"-inducing height of twenty
thousand feet, way above "The Birds". You will already have met your purser today, Carolyn
"Rebecca" "Topaz", but now, as "The Lady Vanishes" behind the "Torn Curtain" into the galley,
the steward will hold you "Spellbound" with his "Notorious" demonstration of "The Thirty-Nine
Steps" to a safe evacuation, though these basically boil down to three: pull the "Rope",
inflate the "Lifeboat" and escape through the "Rear Window".
MARTIN: Ten? DOUGLAS: Thirteen.
MARTIN: Mmm! DOUGLAS: I think. I very nearly got "The Man
Who Knew Too Much" in, but I was -- after all -- talking about Arthur.
(The flight deck door opens.) NANCY (angrily, in a Canadian accent): Excuse
me. MARTIN: Oh, uh, hello. I-I'm the captain,
Martin Crieff, and this is ... NANCY: Nancy Dean Liebhart.
DOUGLAS: Not quite, but what an interesting guess.
NANCY: Expedition supervisor, Unbeaten Track Travel. What was that, please?
MARTIN: What was what? NANCY: The Hitchcock thing.
DOUGLAS: Oh, you noticed that! Well done. NANCY: 'In an emergency, climb out through
the Rear Window'? Does that strike you as a professional thing for the pilot of an aircraft
to say? MARTIN: No, no, absolutely not.
NANCY: 'No, absolutely not' is right, so what the hell just happened?
DOUGLAS: I can assure you, madam, I am entirely professional in all ...
NANCY (talking over him): No, you're not. I can tell professionalism a mile off. You
don't have it, sir. This guy has it. You don't. MARTIN (surprised): Oh! Well, do I? I mean,
yes, yes, I do, actually. Thank you. Thank you for noticing.
NANCY: So. Why did you let him do it? DOUGLAS: Yes, why did you let me do it?
MARTIN: Yes, I-I do apologise. Rest assured, I will be disciplining him.
DOUGLAS: Oh, will you? MARTIN (through gritted teeth): Yes, I will.
(Smarmily, to Nancy) And the rest of the flight will be conducted in an entirely professional
atmosphere of the utmost professionality that I always bring to my ... my ... my ...
DOUGLAS: ... profession? MARTIN: ... workplace.
CAROLYN: Hello. Everything all right in here? NANCY: Ah. Are you Carolyn Shappey-Knappey?
CAROLYN: More or less. Hello. Pleased to meet you.
NANCY: Nancy Dean Liebhart, expedition supervisor. I was expecting you to meet me and the travellers
at the gate. CAROLYN: Oh, yes, sorry. I was unavoidably
detained in the airport, helping the steward find a book about polar bears.
NANCY: So, in your absence, I had to conduct them aboard a strange aircraft -- in every
sense -- get them seated and then listen to your first officer squeezing Hitchcock films
into the cabin address. CAROLYN: Ooh, how many did you get?
DOUGLAS: Thirteen. CAROLYN: Well done!
NANCY: I would like a word with you in the galley, madam.
CAROLYN: With great pleasure. DOUGLAS: Oh, before you go, how long do you
want this Arctic lecture? I've worked up about twenty minutes' worth. Will that do?
NANCY: That won't be necessary, thank you. DOUGLAS: But I thought at Unbeaten Track you
always ... NANCY: At Unbeaten Track, we do, because our
crews are staffed by professional experts and adventurers with genuine stories to tell.
What I feel I would get from you, sir, is some zany British humour, and I've already
had about as much of that as I can take. (Flight deck door closes.)
DOUGLAS: Well, she was a little ray of sunshine, wasn't she?
MARTIN: I thought she was quite right. DOUGLAS: Did you?
MARTIN: Yes. I'm sorry to say this, Douglas, but sometimes you are unprofessional.
DOUGLAS: Shall we drop the subject? MARTIN: No. Douglas, this is difficult, um,
because I-I think we've become friends, and, um, and I'm glad about that, but I-I do also
think I have a duty to you, a-a-as your captain ...
DOUGLAS (ominously): Think very, very carefully about how you want to finish this sentence.
MARTIN: ... as your captain, to let you know when you're getting into bad habits, and it
was unprofessional to do the Film Game on real live passengers.
DOUGLAS: You said, "Let's hear it." MARTIN: And what's worse is that you were
seriously considering low-altitude, low-speed manoeuvres in the Arctic, which would be very
unsafe for us. DOUGLAS: It'll be perfectly safe so long as
I'm the one doing it. MARTIN: Yeah, look, you see, no, you-you think
you're this invincible pilot, but things go wrong for everyone. And if you're not professional
in your assessment ... DOUGLAS (talking over him): And you're the
perfect professional, are you? MARTIN: No, well, not perfect, but I am professional.
I analyse risk; I make sure I'm in a position to deal with whatever is thrown at me.
DOUGLAS: Of course, you know what the actual definition of a professional is, don't you?
MARTIN: I'm just ... DOUGLAS: What actually separates professionals
from amateurs. MARTIN: I ...
DOUGLAS: It's being paid to do the job -- the way Carolyn pays me. And doesn't pay you.
(Brief silence.) MARTIN: Pre-take-off checklist, please.
DOUGLAS: Certainly, Captain.
NANCY: So you understand the issue I have around this?
CAROLYN: Oh, absolutely, and I do apologise for not being there to meet you, but I assure
you that -- though small -- MJN Air adheres to the highest standards of professionalism.
ARTHUR: Mum. CAROLYN: Uh, not now, I'm busy.
ARTHUR: No, there's a serious problem. CAROLYN: What, really?
ARTHUR: Yes, look. This book only has a polar bear on the cover. It's actually about all
kinds of bears. CAROLYN: Well, I rather set myself up for
that, didn't I? NANCY: It wouldn't have mattered anyway. I've
seen your website. ARTHUR: Ooh, have you?! Brilliant. You see,
Mum? I told you people would go. NANCY: Oh! You did that, did you?
ARTHUR: Thank you! NANCY: Are you a professional web designer?
ARTHUR: No! Not even a bit! But there's this website that makes it really simple, even
if you're completely clueless. You can make it play music, and the words flash, and, you
know, put in things like the line of dancing aeroplanes -- you know, make it look ... make
it look really professional. NANCY: Okay, Ms Knapp-Shappey, I'm going to
ask you and your crew from now on at all times to refer to this flight as being an Unbeaten
Track flight, not an MJN one. CAROLYN: Why? It is an MJN flight.
NANCY: Yes, but my concern is that travellers may Google you on their return and discover
-- no offence -- what sort of outfit you are. CAROLYN: When you say, "No offence," do you
in fact know what that means?
MARTIN: Could you balance the fuel, Douglas? (Click.)
MARTIN: Have you done it? DOUGLAS: You saw me do it.
MARTIN: It is protocol to tell me when you've done it.
DOUGLAS: I've done it. (Flight deck door opens. Carolyn comes in
sounding furious.) CAROLYN: Right. If that bloody woman thinks
she can tell me how to act in my own ... What is the matter with you two, then?
MARTIN: Nothing. DOUGLAS: Nothing.
CAROLYN: Well, obviously something. Oh, hang on, I've just realised: I don't care. Douglas,
I have decided that, on this flight, I require some mildly but not life-threatening unprofessional
amusement with which to while away the time. MARTIN: Carolyn, no.
DOUGLAS: What a good idea! MARTIN: Carolyn, I specifically gave Nancy
my word ... DOUGLAS: There's always The Travelling Lemon,
for instance. CAROLYN: Oh, of course! The very thing!
MARTIN: What? What's that? DOUGLAS: Not come across The Travelling Lemon,
Martin, in all your 'professional experience'? Well, Player One strolls through a full passenger
cabin, chatting to the adoring public of this or that topic of interest and, as he goes,
he casually secretes -- somewhere where it can still be clearly seen -- a lemon, or other
citrus fruit as mutually agreed by the players and referees before match play commences,
but I'm a traditionalist and favour a lemon. CAROLYN: And then Player Two goes out, finds
it, retrieves it, hides it again. Now, what's our record, Douglas?
DOUGLAS: I believe on that night flight to Miami we achieved a rally of sixteen.
CAROLYN: Well, I'm sure we can top that. DOUGLAS: Doubtless. Shall I go first?
CAROLYN: Oh, by all means. MARTIN (anguished): No!
DOUGLAS: Back soon! (Flight deck door closes. Martin sighs.)
MARTIN: Carolyn, I'm glad I've got you alone. CAROLYN: Oh dear.
MARTIN: I want a pay rise. CAROLYN: Martin, this is not the time or the
place. MARTIN: Yes, it is. I do a difficult and demanding
job and I want a pay rise. CAROLYN: Fine. Consider your salary doubled.
MARTIN: Very funny. CAROLYN (laughing): Do-do you see? Because
twice nothing is nothing! MARTIN: Yes, I get it.
CAROLYN: I could have said 'tripled' because three times nothing is also nothing and so
on. MARTIN: I really do understand.
CAROLYN: Do you? Good, because all this hilarious japery is a nice way of saying, 'No, absolutely
not'. MARTIN: That's the nice way, is it?
CAROLYN: Oh-ho-ho, you should hear the nasty way.
(Flight deck door opens.) DOUGLAS: Carolyn, the lemon is in play.
CAROLYN: Super! MARTIN: Carolyn, please don't let Nancy see
you do this. CAROLYN: What do you care what she sees?
MARTIN: Just don't.
ARTHUR: And this one's a koala bear. Uh, that's not actually a bear, in fact. This one is
a panda bear. That's not actually a bear. Honestly, it's like nothing's actually a bear.
MRS COOK (Canadian accent): I'm sorry. I'm confused. Why are you showing me this?
ARTHUR: It's interesting about bears and things. Don't worry: it's all part of the service.
It's not extra. We're all experts on stuff today, you see? I'm the expert on bears. And
Egypt, actually. In Egypt, they used to pull your brains out through your nose with a hook.
And that's not even something in this book -- that's something I know!
MRS COOK: Is someone looking after you, young man?
ARTHUR: No, I'm looking after you! You are confused, aren't you?
CAROLYN: Arthur, what are you doing? ARTHUR: Er, teaching.
CAROLYN: Code Red, Arthur. ARTHUR: Ooh, right-o.
(Receding footsteps.) MRS COOK: What's Code Red?
CAROLYN: Ooh, it's just a code between him and I. It means, 'Go away, go away now, go
away fast'. Now, can I get you anything to drink?
MRS COOK: A Coke, please. CAROLYN (pouring the drink): Certainly. Ice
and lemon? MRS COOK: Just ice, please.
CAROLYN (dropping ice cubes into the glass): All right. One Coke with ice.
MRS COOK: Thank you. CAROLYN: And I'll take that.
MRS COOK: Did you just take something out of my handbag?
CAROLYN: No-no, no, no, just from on the top of it.
MRS COOK: What? What did you take? CAROLYN: Only this. Sorry -- I thought you
said you didn't want lemon. MRS COOK: No, I don't, but ...
CAROLYN: Is it your lemon? MRS COOK: Uh, no.
CAROLYN: Well, I'll look after it, then. Thank you very much.
DOUGLAS: Right. Probably about time to give them my lecture.
MARTIN: No, you're not doing a lecture. In fact, I'm going to do all the cabin address
from now on. DOUGLAS: Oh. All right.
(Bing-***.) DOUGLAS: Hallo, ladies and gentlemen.
MARTIN (quietly): Douglas, stop! DOUGLAS: You want to talk to them, little
Captain Perfect? You can talk to them. MARTIN: Douglas!
DOUGLAS: Obviously I've got my thumb on the Mute button.
MARTIN (sighing with relief): Right, then. Well, then ...
DOUGLAS: Up until now. Ladies and gentlemen, it is now my pleasure to introduce you to
your captain today, Captain (he assumes a French accent) Martin duCref (he reverts to
his normal accent) who joins us today for his first flight, in fact, after ten years
with Air France. MARTIN (furiously, quietly): You ...
DOUGLAS: Dealing with whatever's thrown at you?
MARTIN: Although actually I'm ... DOUGLAS: French. He's a French pilot, from
France. MARTIN (putting on an appallingly bad French
accent): ... 'allo. It is mah pleasure to be today your pilot on this journey most exciting.
'owever, as I am not, uh, the nattive speaker, the first officer will (he drifts back into
his own accent) do most of the talking today. DOUGLAS: Oh, well, if you insist.
MARTIN: Douglas, that was the most ... (Flight deck door opens.)
NANCY: What the hell was that? DOUGLAS: Bonjour, Madame. Bienvenue dans le
flight deck. MARTIN: I'm sorry, I ...
NANCY: You, I thought I could ... not rely on, but I thought at least I could take my
eye off you while I run round nursemaiding the rest of your outfit.
MARTIN: It wasn't my fault, though! Douglas ...
NANCY: Yeah, the big boy made you do it, I know, I heard. I mean, I thought you could
take care of him. This is it, though, okay? I'm talking to you now.
DOUGLAS: Oh, really? How lovely. NANCY: You've had your fun. It's over.
DOUGLAS: You see, I don't know. I think there might be some mileage left in it.
MARTIN: No, don't worry. I will manage him. NANCY: I certainly hope so.
(Flight deck door closes.) MARTIN: Douglas, please. I'm asking you nicely.
DOUGLAS: You didn't tell your friend you'd ask me nicely, though, did you? You told her
you'd 'manage' me. So, let's see you. (Flight deck door opens.)
CAROLYN: Douglas, the lemon is with you. DOUGLAS: Ah, excellent!
MARTIN (frantic): No, please! Carolyn, we just had Nancy in here. She's really angry.
She explicitly said ... DOUGLAS (airily): Bye.
(Flight deck door closes. Martin groans.) CAROLYN: Don't worry about her, Martin. She
didn't book us. She's just a jumped-up rep. MARTIN: Yes, I know. I just ... I really want
her to think of me as a professional. CAROLYN: Why? What do you care what she thinks?
MARTIN: Well, she said I was one and ... and now she thinks I'm not and I ... Well, I'm
not, am I, because you don't pay me. You pay the others but you don't pay me.
CAROLYN: It's not that I won't, Martin. I can't. How many times do I have to tell you:
this is a loss-making company which could fold at any moment. Anyway, I don't pay Arthur.
MARTIN: But he lives with you, so he gets all his food and lodging for free.
CAROLYN: Martin, let me nip this very much in the bud -- any suggestion of you coming
to live with us. MARTIN: Oh God, no! No, no-no-no. And what
about Douglas? You pay him, don't you? CAROLYN: Yes. Yes, I pay him because I have
to pay him, because he's not like you. If I stopped paying him, he'd stop coming to
work -- in the limited sense of the word 'work' that applies to Douglas.
MARTIN: You ... could ... cut his pay, though. CAROLYN: You want me to cut Douglas' pay.
MARTIN: No, I-I don't want you to, I'm just saying you could, theoretically, split it
between us. It's not unreasonable. We do the same job. Why should he get all the pay? I
mean, have you ever thought about the way I live at home?
CAROLYN: Not -- I'm delighted to say -- for a single second.
MARTIN: Yes, well, maybe you should. I get ten pounds an hour as a Man with a Van.
CAROLYN: Well, there's your problem. That's far too cheap. Last time I used one, I paid
about twenty-five. MARTIN: Yes, but my van's very old and breaks
down a lot, and half the time I'm not there because I'm flying an aircraft for you. The
only thing I've got going for me is that I'm cheap. So I live in a horrible attic in a
shared house where I'm the only grown-up. All the other five are students at the agricultural
college. I've been there nine years now; that's three generations of students. They pass me
on to the next lot like a sort of friendly ghost: "Oh, are you living in Parkside Terrace
next year? Well, listen, there's a pilot in the attic but don't worry, he never bothers
anyone." I can't afford to go out, to buy nice food. I live on toast and pasta. Sometimes,
for a treat, I have a baked potato. So -- just so you know -- I'm not asking because I'm
greedy. (Long pause.)
CAROLYN: I will think about it. MARTIN: Thank you.
(Flight deck door opens.) DOUGLAS: Behold! The lemon! That's an easy
one, Carolyn. You think a seasoned old Travelling Lemon player like me doesn't know the old
'air freshener substitution' trick? MARTIN: Right, good. You've both hidden it,
you've both found it. Game over, all right? DOUGLAS: No, no. We're just starting a rally.
CAROLYN: Douglas, maybe we should ... DOUGLAS: Of course, you haven't found it yet,
Martin. MARTIN: What?
DOUGLAS: I'll do you a deal. I'll hide it for you. If you find it, you can keep it.
Game over. MARTIN: And no new game?
DOUGLAS: No new game. MARTIN: Promise you won't hide it anywhere
near or on Nancy. DOUGLAS: Damn. All right.
MARTIN: And it'll be in plain sight? DOUGLAS: Of course. That is the most sacred
and fundamental law of The Travelling Lemon. MARTIN: All right.
ARTHUR: Hello. You're -- you're the woman from Unbeaten Track, aren't you?
NANCY: Yes. Hello. ARTHUR: Hello. Uh, we didn't meet properly.
I'm Arthur. I'm the steward and bear expert. For instance, the sloth bear eats half its
own body weight every month. NANCY: I'm a little busy with these forms.
ARTHUR: Oh, you should do what I do. Don't do them. Listen, I-I was just wondering: are
all your experts on your crew or do you have guest lecturers?
NANCY: Yes, sometimes. ARTHUR: Right, because I just know an awful
lot about bears -- at the moment. Uh, so if you ever need to, you know, borrow me, well
you'd have to sort it out with Mum but I'm sure it'd be okay.
NANCY: Thank you for your offer. I'll bear that in mind.
ARTHUR: Bear! NANCY: Where?
ARTHUR: No-no, you said, "Bear that in mind," like a bear! (He laughs uproariously.) Oh,
I might put that in my lecture!
MR. PEARY (Canadian accent): Excuse me, Captain. MARTIN: Yes, hello.
MR. PEARY: Oh! You -- you sound different in person.
(Pause.) MARTIN (putting on his terrible French accent):
Do I? I do not know why. Can I 'elp you? MR. PEARY: I just wondered if everything was
okay. You've been up and down the cabin three times now.
MARTIN (French accent): Ah, non, all is well. I just, erm ... You 'aven't, by any chance,
seen ... MR. PEARY: Seen what?
MARTIN (French accent): ... a little lemon? MR. PEARY: What?!
MARTIN (French accent): Nothing. It is no matter.
(Flight deck door opens.) DOUGLAS: Ah, hello, Captain. I'd given you
up for lost. Found the lemon yet? MARTIN: No.
DOUGLAS: Oh dear. Then the revelry continues. MARTIN: Look, Douglas, let's just stop fighting.
DOUGLAS: That's easy for you to say. You started it.
MARTIN: Yes, all right, and now I want to finish it.
DOUGLAS: But it hasn't occurred to you, for instance, to say 'sorry'.
MARTIN: I'm ... sorry. I'm sorry I called you unprofessional.
DOUGLAS: Thank you. MARTIN: So we're quits?
DOUGLAS: Nearly. Maybe if ... (Bing-***.)
DOUGLAS: Ladies and gentlemen, First Officer Richardson again. As you know, here at Unbeaten
Track, it's our pleasure to provide you with a short talk or anecdote ...
MARTIN (hissing quietly): Douglas, no! DOUGLAS: ... from one of the crew with particular
knowledge of the region. In this case, I'd like to invite Captain duCref ...
MARTIN (quietly, hysterically): Pleeeeease! DOUGLAS: ... to share with you the enthralling
story of how he once encountered a polar bear in the wild and outwitted it armed only with
-- if I recall correctly -- an egg whisk and a pogo stick. Ladies and gentlemen, your captain!
MARTIN (terrible French accent): ... 'Allo. Well ... I don't like to talk about zis.
DOUGLAS: But you've agreed to now! We're most honoured! So, when did it happen?
MARTIN (French accent): Uh ... when I was in ze French Foreign Legion.
DOUGLAS: Ah, the regiment famous for being non-Frenchmen.
MARTIN (French accent): Yes. For me they made ze exception ... because I am not entirely
French ... (he begins to drift into his normal accent) ... in fact, I'm half-English -- more
than half, actually, so ... (he forces himself to return to the French accent) ... anyway,
we were stationed in Alaska ... DOUGLAS: Unusual for a desert regiment.
MARTIN (French accent): Yes, it was unusual. We wanted to 'ave ... ze element of surprise.
Anyway, I saw a polar bear, so I called out to my comrades ...
DOUGLAS: What did you call out? MARTIN (French accent): ... "Look out! A polar
bear!" DOUGLAS: Only you said it in French.
MARTIN (French accent): Of course I said it in French then. I do not say it in French
now because ... no-one would understand me. DOUGLAS: But, just out of interest, what is
'polar bear' in French? MARTIN (French accent): It is, in fact, the
same as in English. DOUGLAS: Really? 'Polar bear'?
MARTIN (French accent): Yes. It is a word we have borrowed from your langwaj. Only,
of course, we say 'bear polar'. DOUGLAS: I see. So you saw the polar bear,
you called out, "Attention, mes amis! Regardez-vous le bear polar!" And then what?
MARTIN (very rapidly in his French accent): Then I put the egg whisk into the snowdrift,
whisked it up like a blizzard in the bear's face, then under cover of his confusion, I
bounced away on the pogo stick. Zhank you, goodbye.
DOUGLAS: Goodness, what a remarkable story! Just goes to show, ladies and gentlemen, truth
is stranger than fiction. MARTIN (normal accent): Thanks. Thanks a lot.
You-you had to do that, didn't you? I just wanted one person -- one stranger -- to take
me seriously as a professional pilot, but you couldn't even allow that. You had to humiliate
me even after I'd said sorry -- and now I don't know why I did.
DOUGLAS: If it helps, the cabin address wasn't on for any of that.
MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: No-one heard it but you and me.
MARTIN: You weren't pressing the Mute button, and the red light was on.
DOUGLAS: True; but while you were out playing hunt the lemon, I switched the LED round.
Now the red light comes on when the PA is off.
MARTIN: But ... that would mean it's on now. DOUGLAS: It is, but now I have got my thumb
on the Mute button. MARTIN: You absolute ...
(Flight deck door bursts open.) ARTHUR: BEARS!!
(Martin yells out in surprise.) ARTHUR: Bears, bears, bears! Polar bears!
Look, on the ground! DOUGLAS: Of all places! Excellent! Right,
bears, let's see what you've got. (GERTI's engines start to strain.)
MARTIN: Douglas, I don't think ... (The engines whine even more with strain.)
MARTIN: Douglas, we don't have the altitude! DOUGLAS (enthusiastically): Oh, we've got
plenty of altitude! MARTIN: We don't! We're at treetop level already!
DOUGLAS (enthusiastically): Ah, but you're forgetting -- no trees in the Arctic! That
gives us at least another thirty foot! MARTIN: No, it doesn ...
DOUGLAS: Oh, you think you can get away that way, do you, Paddington?
MARTIN (panic-stricken): No! Douglas, you'll stall it!
DOUGLAS: No I won't. Just sit back and enjoy the ride!
MARTIN: I can't enjoy it if you're gonna kill us all!
DOUGLAS: Don't exaggerate! Ah-ha! MARTIN: (screaming in terror)
DOUGLAS: Let's be having you, then, Winnie! MARTIN: Douglas! I have control!
DOUGLAS: No you don't! Ooh, Baloo at ten o'clock! (He impersonates a machine gun.) Daka-daka-daka-daka-daka-daka!
MARTIN (panic-stricken): Douglas, please, please stop! You're gonna kill us all! Please!
You'll kill us all! DOUGLAS (tetchily): Oh, fine.
(GERTI's engines settle down to their normal noise. Martin pants noisily.)
DOUGLAS: Honestly, what a fuss. (Flight deck door opens.)
CAROLYN (sounding a little breathless): Gentlemen. DOUGLAS: There you go. We gave them a bit
of a show, didn't we? CAROLYN: Oh yes.
DOUGLAS: Sorry I had to stop, but they must have got a pretty good eyeful of the bears,
didn't they? CAROLYN: They mainly weren't looking at the
bears. DOUGLAS: Why ever not?
CAROLYN: Because they were mainly frozen in terror, because for some reason, as soon as
you started chasing the bears, the cabin address came on.
DOUGLAS: Oh dear. Now that, I admit, was a bit unprofessional.
(Sound of the passengers disembarking, muttering amongst themselves.)
CAROLYN: Goodbye. Goodbye. Thank you for flying with Unbeaten Track.
ARTHUR: Goodbye. A female bear is called a sow.
CAROLYN: Goodbye, madam. Thank you for flying Unbeaten Track.
ARTHUR: Goodbye. A grizzly bear can strip a deer's carcass in six minutes.
MRS COOK: I beg your pardon? CAROLYN: Farewell bear facts, madam, courtesy
of Unbeaten Track. NANCY: Excuse me! Let me through! I need you
to stop saying that. It was MJN Air, madam. Remember, any complaints or lawsuits you may
have, direct them to MJN Air. MARTIN: Er, excuse me, Nancy.
NANCY: I've nothing to say to you, Captain. MARTIN: No, well, I have something to say
to you. I know I haven't come across as completely professional this trip ...
NANCY: Ha! MARTIN (passionately): ... but as it happens,
I am professional. I am the most professional pilot I know. (His voice falters.) It's just
... well, it happens that I fly with a crew who ... well, I'm not blaming them, it's just
... (He shouts frantically) ... they never behave like the crews in the manuals! They
don't even behave like the crews in the manuals who are the examples of crews behaving badly!
They do things no manual's ever thought of! (He pulls himself together.) Anyway, I, er,
I just wanted to say I am paid to fly aeroplanes, I do it proudly and I take it seriously. I
am absolutely a professional, and I don't need you to tell me so.
NANCY: Well. that's a very lovely speech. Very moving.
MARTIN: Hm. Thank you. NANCY: D'you know what would have made it
even better? If you'd given it without a lemon taped to the top of your hat.