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This is important...
You must take this musical to Broadway!
Come on! Let's go book seats on the Web.
Do you know this "Broadway"?
Yes sire, and we don't stand a chance there.
Why not?
Because... Broadway...
...is a very special place,
filled with very special people.
People who can sing and dance,
often at the same time!
They are a different people,
a multi-talented people,
a people who need people, and who are, in many ways,
the luckiest people in the world.
I'm sorry sire, but we don't have a chance.
But why not?
Well...
Let me put it like this...
In any great adventure, if you don't want to lose,
victory depends upon the people that you choose.
So listen, Arthur darling, closely to this news:
We won't succeed on Broadway
if we don't have any Jews.
You may have the finest sets, fill the stage with Penthouse Pets.
You may have the loveliest costumes and best shoes.
You may dance and you may sing, but I am sorry, Arthur King,
you'll hear no cheers, just lots and lots of boos. (Boo!)
You may have butch men by the score, whom the audience adore.
You may even have some animals from zoos.
Though you've Poles and Krauts instead, you may have unleavened bread,
but I tell you, you are dead if you don't have any Jews.
They won't care if it's witty, or everything looks pretty.
They'll simply say it's ***, and refuse.
Nobody will go, sir, if it's not kosher, then no show, sir.
Even goyim won't be dim enough to choose.
Put on shows that make men stare, with lots of girls in underwear.
You may even have the finest of reviews. (You're doing great!)
But the audiences won't care, sir, as long as you don't dare, sir,
to open up on Broadway, if you don't have any Jews.
You may have dramatic lighting, or lots of horid fighting.
You may even have some white men sing the blues.
Your knights may be nice boys, but sadly, we're all goys,
and that noise that you call singing you must lose.
So, despite your pretty lights and naughty girls in nasty tights,
and the most impressive scenery you use,
you may have dancing mano e mano, you may bring on a piano,
but they will not give a damno if you don't have any Jews.
You may fill your play with gays, have Nigerian girls in stays.
You may even have some shiksas making stews.
You haven't got a clue, if you don't have a Jew,
all of your investments you are goin' to lose.
There's a very small percentile who enjoys a dancing gentile.
I'm sad to be the one with this bad news.
But never mind your swordplay. You just won't succeed on Broadway.
You just don't succeed on Broadway
if you don't have any Jews.
Papa, can you hear me?
To get along on Broadway,
to sing your song on Broadway,
to hit the top on Broadway and not to lose.
I tell you, Arthur King, there is one essential thing.
There simply must be, simply must be Jews.
There simply must be, Arthur, trust me, simply must be Jews.