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ANTIPHOLUS of EPHESUS: Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all, my wife is shrewish when I keep not hours.
Say that I lingered with you at your shop to see the making of her carcanet and that tomorrow you will bring it home.
But here’s a villain who'd face me down. He met me on the mart, and that I beat him, and charged him with 1,000 marks in gold.
And that I did deny my wife and house. Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?
DROMIO E: Say what you will sir, but I know what I know; that you beat me at the mart, I have your hand to show.
If the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave were ink, your own handwriting would tell you what I think.
ANTIPHOLUS E: I think thou art an ***.
DROMIO E: Marry, so it doth appear by the wrongs I suffer, and the blows I bear.
ANTIPHOLUS E: You’re sad, Signior Balthasar: pray God our cheer may answer my good will, and your good welcome here.
BALTHASAR: I hold your dainties cheap sir, and your welcome dear.
ANGELO the GOLDSMITH: Oh Signior Balthasar, either at flesh or fish, a table full of welcome make scarce one dainty dish.
BALTHASAR: But good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.
ANGELO: And welcome more common, for that’s nothing but words.
CORNELIUS: Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.
ANTIPHOLUS E: Aye, to a sparing host, and more sparing guest.
But soft, my door is locked. Go bid them let us in.
DROMIO E: Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian, Ginn!
DROMIO S: Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch! Either get thee from the door, or sit down at the hatch.
DROMIO E: What patch is made our porter? My master stays in the street.
DROMIO S: Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on his feet.
ANTIPHOLUS E: Who talks within there? Ho, open the door.
DROMIO S: Right sir, I’ll tell you when, and you’ll tell me wherefore.
ANTIPHOLUS E: Wherefore? For my dinner: I have not dined today.
DROMIO S: Nor today here you must not; come again when you may.
ANTIPHOLUS E: What art thou that keepest me out from the house I owe?
DROMIO S: The porter for this time sir, and my name is Dromio.
DROMIO E: O villain, thou hast stolen both mine office and my name; the one never got me credit, the other mickle blame.
NELL: What a coil is there, Dromio? Who are those at the gate?
DROMIO E: Let my master in, thou!
NELL: Faith, no, he comes too late, and so tell your master.
DROMIO E: O Lord, I must laugh. Have at you with with a proverb — shall I set in my staff?
NELL: Have at you with another; that’s — when? Can you tell?
DROMIO S: If thy name be called Nell, Nell, thou hast answer’d him well.
ANTIPHOLUS E: Do you hear, you minion, you’ll let us in, I hope?
NELL: I thought to have asked you.
DROMIO S: And you said no.
DROMIO E: So come help: well struck, there was blow for blow.
ANTIPHOLUS E: Thou baggage, let me in.
NELL: Can you tell for whose sake?
DROMIO E: Master, knock the door hard.
NELL: Let him knock till it ache.
ADRIANA: Who is that at the door that keeps all this noise?
DROMIO S: By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly boys.
ANTIPHOLUS E: Are you there, wife? You might have come before.
ADRIANA: Your wife, sir knave? Go get you from the door.
ANGELO: Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome: we would fain have either.
BALTHASAR: In debating which was best, we shall part with neither.
DROMIO E: They stand at the door, master; bid them welcome hither.
CORNELIUS: There is something in the wind that we cannot get in.
ANTIPHOLUS E: Go fetch me something: I’ll break ope the gate.
DROMIO S: Break any breaking here, and I’ll break your knave’s pate.
DROMIO E: Here’s too much “out upon thee”; I pray thee let me in.
DROMIO S: Aye, when fowls have no feathers, and fish have no fin.
ANTIPHOLUS E: Well, I’ll break in: fetch me an iron crow.
BALTHASAR: Have patience, sir; oh let it not be so; herein you war against your reputation.
And draw within the compass of suspect the unviolated honor of your wife.
Be ruled by me: depart in patience, and let us to the Tiger all to dinner.
And about evening come yourself alone,to know the reason of this strange restraint.
If by strong hand you offer to break in now in the stirring passage of the day, a vulgar comment will be made of it.
ANTIPHOLUS E: You have prevailed: I will depart in quiet, and in despite of mirth mean to be merry.
I know a *** of excellent discourse, pretty and witty; wild, and yet too gentle: There will we dine.
This woman that I mean my wife (but I protest, without desert) hath oftentimes upbraided me withal: To her will we to dinner.
Get you home and fetch the chain; by this I know ’tis made: bring it I pray you to the Porpentine, for there’s the house.
That chain will I bestow (be it for nothing but to spite my wife) upon mine hostess there: good sir, make haste.
Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me, I’ll knock elsewhere, to see if they’ll disdain me.
ANGELO the GOLDSMITH: I’ll meet you at that place some hour hence.
ANTIPHOLUS E: Do so. This jest shall cost me some expense.