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[DOOR OPENS]
HEY, HONEY, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS.
HONEY?
]
[SLAM]
TERING]
OHH!
HEY.
OH, DID I WAKE YOU?
NO, IT'S OK, IT'S OK, IT'S OK.
I GOT THE PARTY FOR THE MAYOR!
OH, THAT'S GREAT, THAT'S GREAT.
SHEBANG?
WHOLE SHEBANG! I'M EXCITED! I GOT THE JOB!
HONEY, THAT'S TERRIFIC, AND IF I WAS AWAKE,
I'D BE EVEN MORE THRILLED.
OH, I'M SORRY. YOU GO BACK TO SLEEP.
I JUST HAD TO TELL SOMEBODY.
I'M GONNA STAY UP. MAYBE I'LL READ MY BOOK, OR I'LL, UM...
I COULD DO SOME LAUNDRY.
THINK OF SOMETHING.
I AM JUST TOO WIRED TO GO TO BED.
OHH!
BOY.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY?
I'M ACTUALLY FEELING KIND OF SEXY.
HELLO!
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY USA NETWORK AND THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION.
♪ AFTER THE EXES WE MOVE ON TO WHY ♪
♪♪ WILL WE EVER MAKE ANOTHER ONE FLY? ♪
♪ LOOKIN' FOR SOMETHIN' SO RIGHT ♪
♪ GOTTA HAVE SOMETHIN' SO RIGHT ♪
♪♪ WE'RE STRANGE, BUT WE'RE TIGHT ♪
♪ WE'VE GOT SOMETHIN' SO RIGHT ♪
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN MOM'S OATMEAL.
THAT'S JACK'S SPECIAL RECIPE.
2 CUPS OF SUGAR FOR EVERY TABLESPOON OF OATMEAL.
SARAH, YOU OK, HONEY?
YOU HAVEN'T EVEN TOUCHED YOUR SUGAR.
YEAH. I'M JUST A LITTLE TIRED.
I'M SO LATE. HOW'S MY SKIRT?
.
MMM!
HOW'S THAT?
THAT WAS GREAT, BUT I'M STILL GONNA NEED A TICKET.
WILL, I'M SO SORRY I HAD TO WORK LAST NIGHT.
IT KILLS ME THAT I MISSED YOUR PLAY.
IT WAS A STUPID PLAY. IT SUCKED BIG TIME.
I WAS EMBARRASSED TO BE ALIVE.
WELL, I STILL WOULD'VE LIKED TO HAVE BEEN THERE.
OH, GREAT. THANK YOU.
IT DOESN'T HAVE PLEATS!
IT DOES NOW!
YOU KNOW, JACK, IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH ME EITHER WAY,
BUT...ARE YOU GAY?
WHAT?
YOU DON'T SEE A LOT OF GUYS
IRONING SKIRTS AND MAKING OATMEAL.
NO, WILL, I AM NOT GAY. I'M...
HELPFUL.
DAD, CAN I HAVE A CHECK FOR $150?
FOR THE SKI TRIP.
TOLD YOU IF YOU GOT A JOB AND EARNED THE M
YOU COULD GO.
OH, GREAT. THAT'S THE SAME AS NOT GOING.
HEY, BE RESOURCEFUL. WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE,
I WAS DRIVING A SUPERTANKER
AROUND THE CAPE OF GOOD HOPE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL JUST GET SOMETHING TO EAT AT SCHOOL.
WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
I WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE OK.
I'M GONNA TAKE OFF.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
OH, SHE'S FINE. WHAT'S THE MSHE'S, UH, 98.6.
MOM, I'M FINE.
OH, SWEETIE, I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE IF YOU FEEL BAD.
I HATE BEING THIS BUSY.
HONEY, THIS IS JUST TEMPORARY.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING.
THERE'S NOTHING HERE I CAN'T HANDLE.
REALLY. OK?
OK.
YOU ARE SO...
ELPFUL.
YEAH!
YOU ARE.
YOU'RE SO HELPFUL.
MMM...
MMM-MUH!
AND STILL I ENJOY KISSING A WOMAN.
YOU'VE REALLY BEEN DOING Y. ONE.
NO, YOU DON'T. THIS IS WHAT WE DO.
WE HELP EACH OTHER OUT, HONEY. AND SOMEDAY, IF I'M EVER AS BUSY AS YOU...
GOD FORBID...
YOU'LL BE THERE FOR ME.
I KNOW. I JUST FEEL LIKE I WANT TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOU.
[CLICK]
JACK, COME ON. I'M GONNA BE LATE.
I'M SORRY. IT'S THE FIRST THING THAT CAME TO MY MIND.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE GREAT?
IF YOU WOULD LET NICOLE WORK FOR YOU TONIGHT.
OH, NO, JACK, NOT TONIGHT.
WHY NOT? SHE NEEDS THE MONEY. IT'D BE A GREAT WAY FOR YOU TWO TO GET CLOSER.
IT'S A PARTY FOR THE MAYOR, AND I HAVE A LOT RIDING ON IT.
HONEY, YOU UNDERSTAND, DON'T YOU?
MY CREW'S GOTTA WORK LIKE CLOCKWORK.
I CAN'T JUST ALL OF A SUDDEN INTRODUCE SOMEONE NEW.
OK, EVERYBODY, THIS IS MY STEPDAUGHTER NICOLE.
SHE'LL BE HELPING OUT TONIGHT.
HI, EVERYBODY. UM... I'M HERE TO HELP ANY WAY I CAN. JUST ASK.
OK, GUYS, 2 HOURS TO DINNER. LET'S GO.
OH, WOW.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
OK.
UH...
WELL...
YOU KNOW, UH...
WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIT RIGHT HERE AND GET ACCLIMATED?
AND I'LL STILL GET PAID?
OH, OF C IT'S...U
ACCLIMATION PAY.
.
MS. DAVIS, HOW WE DOIN'? HOW WE DOIN'?
FINE, FINE.
GOOD, GOOD.
OH, THIS IS MY STEPDAUGHTER NICOLE.
SHE'S HELPING OUT TONIGHT.
HOW DO YOU DO?
HI. NICE TO MEET YOU, YOUR HONOR.
NO, NO, NO. I'M NOT THE MAYOR. I'M JUST A PRESS SECRETARY.
I HAVE NO HONOR.
Carly: EVERYTHING IS
UNDER CONTROL. HORS D'OEUVRES AT 6:00.
DINNER'S AT 7:00 SHARP.
I LIKE YOU, MS. DAVIS.
I LIKE YOU, MR. LASSITER.
THE MAYOR THROWS A LOT OF THESE BIG, EXPENSIVE PARTIES.
MIND SIS.
OH, I THOUGHT THE TRANSIT STRIKE DID THAT.
NO. NO, NO. THAT KEEPS PEOPLE'S MIND OFF THE CRUMBLING INFRASTRUCTURE.
YOU'RE VERY SHARP. IF EVERYTHING WORKS OUT WELL TONIGHT,
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO SOME MORE PARTIES FOR THE MAYOR?
I'D LOVE THAT. IT WOULD HELP WITH MY OWN BUDGET CRISIS.
HA HA HA! YOU'RE VERY FUNNY.
YOU MUST BE A DEMOCRAT.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN. WHEN THE MAYOR FINISHES HIS SPEECH,
I'M GONNA GRAB THE MIKE. I'M GONNA WISH HIM A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
THEN, WHEN REGIS AND YOGI BERRA WHEEL IN THE CAKE,
THAT'S WHEN I WANT YOU TO DROP THE BALLOONS.
BALLOONS?
YEAH, THE 500 SILVER-AND-PURPLE BALLOONS.
OH, I WASN'T TOLD ABOUT BALLOONS.
NO, AT SOME POINT, I SPECIFICALLY TOLD SOMEONE
TO TELL SOMEONE SOMETHING ABOUT BALLOONS.
I BELIEVE I WAS VERY CLEAR.
WELL, I'M NOT ARGUING, BUT I DON'T HAVE BALLOONS, AND IT'S LATE.
I'D HAVE TO RIG A NET ON THE CEILING--
MS. DAVIS, THE MAYOR IS PLANNING ON A SPONTANEOUS SHOW OF AFFECTION,
AND I DON'T THINK YOGI'S POEM IS GONNA CUT IT.
FINE. I'LL GET THE BALLOONS. DO THEY HAVE TO BE PURPLE AND SILVER?
WELL, THOSE ARE THE MAYOR'S COLORS.
FROM WHERE?
I DON'T KNOW.
THE MAN HARDLY TALKS TO ME.
[TELEPHO
HELLO.
UH, HI.
HEY, HONEY.
HOW IS IT HOBNOBBING WITH ALL THE BIGWIGS
WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M ON THE LOWER EAST SIDE
HOBNOBBING WITH A BITTER BALLOON SALESMAN NAMED YURI.
I'M NOT BITTER!
Carly: HANG ON.
HOW'S PURPLE CONFETTI? N THAN BALLOONS.
I NEED PURPLE BALLOONS.
YOU!
TOUGH DAY?
NOI'M OK. HOW ARE YOU GUYS? YOU GOT SOMETHING FOR DINNER?
YEAH. I'M MAKING RIBS, AND WILL IS SETTING THE TABLE.
I FOUND THE BALLOONS!
OHH...HONEY, I GOTTA GO.
I JUST WANTED
WE'RE FINE. I'LL HAVE THE KIDS FED, BATHED, WALKED, AND EDUCATED
BY THE TIME YOU GET HOME.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
HERE'S PURPLE.
YOU WANT TO PUT 'EM WITH THE SILVER ONES?
PURPLE AND SILVER? ARE THESE FOR THE MAYOR?
WHY DOES MOM ALWAYS CALL TO CHECK UP ON US LIKE THAT?
SHE LOVES US. AND SHE THINKS WE'RE IDIOTS.
FORK ON THE LEFT.
SEE, THE THING S,
THEY THINK ALL THIS■AM Y ST F IS A BIG MYSTERY
THAT ONLY THEY UNDERSTAND, BUT IT'S NOT.
IT'S A SERIES OF TASKS.
AND WHAT ARE MEN?
TASK...MASTERS.
YEAH.
WE DON'T HAVE TO GET ALL EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT.
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH...
I THINK WHAT DRIVES YOUR MOM
ANDLE
I TRY NOT TO RUB HER FACE IN IT.
THAT'S WHY I DON'T BAKE.
HEY, HONEY, HOW ARE YOU FEELING? ARE YOU FEELING BETTER?
OH, YEAH. UM...DO YOU KNOW WHERE MOM IS?
YEAH. SHE HAS THAT BIG THING FOR THE MAYOR TONIGHT,
SO SHE'S NOT GONNA BE HOME TILL LATE.
OH.
IS EVERYTHING OK?
YEAH. UM... I'LL BE IN MY ROOM.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
HEY, SARAH?
YEAH?
UH, YOU SURE THERE ISN'T SOMETHING
YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT?
, IT'S OK.
DID, UH, SOMETHING HAPPEN AT SCHOOL TODAY?
NO...
SARAH.
COME ON.
IT'S ME--JACK.
"THE WORLD'S GREATEST STEP-DAD"?
THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS RIGHT ON MY COFFEE CUP,
SO IT'S GOTTA BE TRUE.
COME ON, HONEY. THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN'T TELL ME.
I'M A BIG, TOUGH GUY. COME ON!
HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT.
I GOT MY FIRST PERIOD TODAY.
WELL, THAT IS CERTAINLY, UH...
YOU KNOW...
HONEY, IN, UH...
IN--IN NATURE, AS IN LIFE,
WHEN...
[TAKES DEEP BREATH]
A YOUNG WOMAN HAS, UH...
THINGS...
HAPPEN THAT--
HIGH 5?
BY, UH...BY-- BY "FIRST PERIOD,"
I ASSUME YOU DON'T MEAN IT IN THE FIRST-CLASS- OF-THE-DAY ALGEBRA SENSE,
BUT MORE IN THE, UH...
MORE OF THE FEMALE- CROSSING-INTO-WOMANHOOD SENSE?
BOTH.
ED IN ALGEBRA.
SO OTH-OTHERWISE, HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
FINE.
GOOD. GOOD. GOOD.
UH, MACARONI AND CHEESE IN THE CAFETERIA TODAY.
LOOK, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, AND WE'LL TALK ALL ABOUT THIS.
NOT THE MACARONI. HA HA HA!
NG. IGHT THERE
AND DON'T MOVE. OR--OR--OR MOVE IF YOU FEEL THE NEED.
LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION.
WHICH YOU HAVE NOW.
THERE'S GOTTA BE A BOOK ON THIS.
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
EVERYTHING IS FINE.
GET YOUR MOTHER ON THE PHONE.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
SARAH IS BECOMING A WOMAN.
RIGHT NOW?
JUST GET YOUR MOTHER ON THE PHONE!
"EVERYBODY POOPS."
"EVERYBODY HAS A WOO-WOO."
"IF GOD IS GOOD, WHY DID SPARKY DIE?"
WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYBODY GETS THEIR PERIOD?
OH, OK. THANKS. SHE'S NOT BACK FROM THE BALLOON STORE.
DAMN!
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
[SHOUTING] THE BIG--
[SOFTLY] THE BIG DEAL IS, SARAH IS IN THERE
SHE NEEDS A MATURE, SENSITIVE WOMAN RIGHT NOW,
AND RIGHT NOW, THAT IS ME.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU?
ARE WE STILL HAVING RIBS?
SHE IS GONNA REMEMBER EVERYTHING I SAY AND DO TONIGHT
FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.
SO WE'RE NOT HAVING RIBS.
WOULD YOU FORGET ABOUT DINNER?
JUST STAY BY THE PHONE IN CASE YOUR MOTHER CALLS.
BUT--BUT I HAVE HOMEWORK.
FORGET IT. OK? FORGET IT.
IF YOU SO MUCH AS OPEN A BOOK, YOU'RE GROUNDED.
OK.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT EVERYTHING THAT CAN BE DONE IS BEING DONE.
WELL, I THINK I'D LIKE TO GO TO MY ROOM NOW.
FINE.
I CAN WALK.
OH, OK...
IF THAT'S YOUR, UH... THAT'S YOUR INSTINCT. GOOD.
IS THERE ANYTHING THAT I COULD...DO FOR YOU?
ANYTHING THAT YOU... NEED?
ANY...
NO.
NURSE GOOBER TOOK CARE OF ME.
I SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO THE DRUGSTORE,
BUT I CAN DO THAT TOMORROW WITH MOM.
OH, NO! NONSENSE! NO, NO! NO, NO!
YOU GO IN THERE AND--AND--AND REST.
UM, STAND, SIT, LIE DOWN.
WHATEVER YOU WANT. LADY'S CHOICE. HA HA HA HA!
AND, UH, I'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.
BY THE WAY. YOU... ARE LOOKING FABULOUS.
OK. I WILL BE WATCHING THROUGH THE DOOR.
AND AS SOON AS I SEE THE CAKE COME OUT,
I WILL SAY "NOW" TO YURI,
WHO WILL YELL "NOW" TO GLADYS UP THE STAIRS,
WHO WILL YELL "NOW" UP THE CATWALK TO HECTOR,
WHO WILL RELEASE 500 PURPLE-AND-SILVER BALLOONS.
PURP
HA HA HA! I'M KIDDING.
I'M KIDDING, I'M KIDDING. I'M JUST KIDDING.
YOU'RE DOING A WONDERFUL JOB.
REALLY. YOU'RE WONDERFUL! I'VE GOT MY EYE ON YOU
FOR THE PARKING VIOLATION SPRING FLING.
THERE'S GOTTA BE SOMETHING IN HERE THAT'S RIGHT.
IF THERE ISN'T, I'VE GOT 5 YEARS' WORTH
OF VERY BIZARRE STOCKING STUFFERS.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
THAT'S PROBABLY STEPHANIE.
STEPHANIE?
YEAH. SHE CALLED WHILE YOU WERE OUT,
AND I TOLD HER WHAT WAS GOING ON. IS THAT OK?
I GUESS.
YOU SAID YOU NEEDED SOMEBODY...
MATURE AND SENSITIVE.
TAKE ME... TO THE WOMAN CHILD.
NICE.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS IS LIKE, WHAT, A, UH, MOTHER NATURE,
PUREE, JONI MITCHELL MENSTRUAL THING?
SOMETHING LIKE THAT, YES!
HUH.
PLEASE LET ME DO MY HOMEWORK NOW.
Jack: GO.
STEPH, IF THIS IS AT ALL AN IMPOSITION--
OH, DON'T BE SILLY.
I ALWAYS REGRETTED NOT BEING THERE WHEN NICOLE WENT
SHE WAS LIVING WITH YOU THEN.
I WAS UP FOR A PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARD.
WELL, YOU COULDN'T MISS THAT.
IT'S AWARDED BY THE PEOPLE, JACK.
IS SHE IN HER ROOM?
YEAH. WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU GONNA DO IN THERE, STEPH?
GOING TO GUIDE UNG GIRL
INTO THE WONDERS OF WOMANHOOD.
COURSE, I'LL OPEN WITH A JOKE.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO?
OH, HI, HONEY. M SORRY
IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO GET BACK TO YOU, BUT WE'VE BEEN SWAMPED.
IS EVERYTHING OK?
YEAH. EVERYTHING'S FINE. WE HAD A LITTLE, UM...EXCITEMENT,
BUT EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL.
WHAT HAPPENED?
UM...SARAH GOT HER FIRST PERIOD.
OH, MY GOD! IS SHE OK?
YEAH. SHE'S FINE. SHE'S FINE. EVERYTHING IS, UH, UNDER CONTROL.
[DRUM BEATS, TAMBOURINE JINGLES]
LET ME TALK
WELL, ACTUALLY, SHE'S IN HER ROOM RESTING.
I JUST WANT TO TALK TO HER.
WELL, UH...
[CHANTING]
ACTUALLY, A-AGAIN, UH...
SHE'S IN THERE WITH STEPHANIE.
STEPHANIE?
YEAH. YEAH. SHE CAME OVER...
YOU KNOW, TO, UH... BE A WOMAN?
MBOURINE JINGLES]
WELL, I SHOULD BE WITH HER, JACK. I'M HER MOTHER.
OME.
[LOUD CHANTING]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
COME ON, COME ON, CAKE TIME, CAKE TIME.
HELLO? OH, HI, CARLY.
HOW'S IT GOING?
GREAT. EVERYONE'S WORKING THEIR BUTTS OFF.
I'M WELL-RESTED.
WELL, IT TOOK ME ALL NIGHT, BUT I FINALLY FOUND YOUR JOB.
AND IT'S A BIG ONE. I NEED YOU TO RELEASE THE BALLOONS.
I CAN'T HEAR YOU. WHAT?
I NEED YOU TO RELEASE THE BALLOONS.
NOW?!
Woman: NOW!
Man: NOW!
Man: NOW!
NOT NOW!
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY USA NETWORK AND THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION.
ING
[RING]
OF CAPTIONS