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>>MISSION CONTROL: OmniTeam, stand byÉwe're looking over the vehicleÉother
than those few points, ***, it's a good lookin' homeÉ
[On the Earth below, DESTRUCTO, dastardly embodiment of vaguely 19th century
villainy, is using his front company, British Petroleum, to drill through the seabed and
tap a massive deposit of methane--enough to destroy
Life As We Know It.]
[At the control lecterns, monitoring a vital energy transfer holding Destructo's methane
blast at bay, is ROGER LLWELLYN HERNANDEZ, 20, the OmniTeam's director of high
energy physics. ]
[Entering lackadaisically from the Omnivator is the favorite son of Encino, GARTH
PECKERSON, 43, former exhibition-league surfer, medical marijuana enthusiast and
assistant director of occupational health and safety. He is very high.]
>>GARTH Hey guy. Hey. Guy.
[Roger grunts a barely audible acknowledgement.] >>GARTH
Whatcha workin' on?
>>ROGER Fighting Destructo?
>>GARTH Ah, fighting Destructo. Man, I hate that guy.
An uncomfortable silence. >>GARTH
YEAH! Kind of what we "do". DeSTRUCto. That guy's a bastage! You Bastages.! You
know...from "Johnny Dangerously". GREAT movie! Great.
>>ROGER I don't know it. When did it come out?
>>GARTH Nineteen Eighty Four. Man, what a year. Who
ya gonna call? GHOST! BUSTERS! Ray Parker. So awesome. We were so in phase, with
our dance hall days. Ain't nothing gonna break my stride. Ric Ocasek walking
on water, man! Morning in America! Nineteen eighty-freakin'-four.
>>ROGER I was born in 1990.
>>GARTH Ooof. Jeez. Right in the stones. Youch. Man.
Well, you really missed out on Joe Picopo. Doug and Wendy Whiner for the win. Sweet.
[An uncomfortable silence.] >>GARTH
So...you goin' to Comic-Con?
>>ROGER (exasperated) Fine. Yes, yes I am going to Comic Con.
>>GARTH AWESOME! THAT IS AWESOME, Dood!
>>ROGER I suppose.
>>GARTH What panels are you hitting?
>>ROGER Oh, I don't know! something about Bat man?
Bat man and his... (baffled)
dark knightiness? >>GARTH
Yes! Dude! The Bat Man pwnes all other super heroes. Except when he's played by
George Clooney. Clooney and his freakin' rubber nipples. So gay. So so gay. Am I
right?
>>ROGER I'm the president of the OmniTeam's gay and
lesbian employees union. >>GARTH
Oh. So that was-- >>ROGER
Not. Cool. >>GARTH
Not cool. Not cool. Sorry. So what other panels are you gonna hit? There's a sweet
panel exploring the Akkadian mythological subtext of BSG.
>>ROGER B. S. G.?
>>GARTH Battlestar Galactica? Dude, you've been down
in sector A113 too long, my man. Or maybe you're one of the Cylons, Am I right?
When I was a kid I thought Dirk Benedict had the dreamiest hair but now in 2010 it's
no longer gay to think of Starbuck and Apollo fracking the living felgercarb out of each
other in a kick-*** Viper. With some outer space baby oil and stuff.
Dead silence. Crickets. >>ROGER
You know, I really have a lot of work to do. Destructo and his front company have just
ruptured the seabed and they're filling the atmosphere with deadly methane.
>>GARTH Topical.
>>ROGER If I take my eye off these monitors for even
an instant, it could spell the end for millions. >>GARTH
You know who spoiled the end for me? Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse. Six years on
an island and it's all about a shiny magical light? And seriously, the sideways thing--I'm
supposed to believe that the sideways thing is just all of them getting back together
in the afterlife because they were on an island
together for a couple of months? An atomic freaking bomb, Desmond time traveling, Widmore
goes out like a punk, and the sideways world is just Facebook for dead people?
Bogus. Effing bogus. [A pause. Finally, reluctantly, he buys in.]
>>ROGER I admit that kind of sucked.
>>GARTH Totally sucked!
>>ROGER But that program had many good episodes. Many
iconic moments. You have to appreciate the larger picture.
>>GARTH At least it didn't suck like the last episode
of The Prisoner. [Roger's eyes turn black with sublimated rage.
] >>ROGER
What the *** did you just say to me? >>GARTH
I just said the last episode of "The Prisoner" was--
>>ROGER We are talking about the Patrick McGoohan
Prisoner, not the one with Jeezy Creezy Caviezy. I just want to be clear before I
kick your *** up and down the reactor manifold. >>GARTH
You have to admit it was polarizing. >>ROGER
You want polarizing? I am about to shove your *** in the nuclear polarizer.
>>GARTH But the rocket. And Leo McKern coming back
from the dead. And the guy in the monkey mask.
>>ROGER It was a chimpanzee mask you moron. It was
deeply symbolic. Just as Angelo Muscat's butler represented the common man forced to
serve powerful interests, and Alexis Kanner representing the rebellious spirit
of youth. The regrettable bullet. The new number one.
>>GARTH Sounds like a load of number two to me.
>>ROGER Like I'm going to stand here and discuss the
greater philosophical and spiritual meaning of The Prisoner with some spork who sits around
massaging his gentlemen's gentlemen to slash fiction featuring Hannibal Smith
and Face from the A Team. I'll bet you love it
when a palm comes together. >>GARTH
Hey, that hurt. >>ROGER
Yes. Yes, words can hurt. >>GARTH
Not as bad as finding out that C. J. from the West Wing was Jacob's mother.
>>ROGER What the hell was that?
>>GARTH I know, right? It's like when Wesley Crusher
turned in to some kind of magical invisible Indian.
>>ROGER Don't even get me started on Wesley Crusher.
>>GARTH Space Urkel. He's Space Urkel.
>>ROGER At least Urkel was funny.
>>GARTH And surprisingly muscular. I wonder what Jaleel
White can bench. >>ROGER
I don't know. How much does your mom weigh?
>>GARTH What's that on your head?
ROGER >>I lost a bet.