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Gary, are you working on the night
of our eighth month-iversary?
Please don't tell me
you're doing that face.
- I am doing that face.
- Come on.
You know
Hold on.
Hey, Gary, honeymoons rule.
"The Dirty Dozen" is on
and we're eating chips
from bowls perched
on each other's bellies.
Sounds great, Mike.
We put a penny in a jar
every time we have sex.
We've already got like 15 in there.
Did you call me to talk
dirty about your honeymoon?
- I can talk dirty.
- That's okay.
Wendy got the heads up
POTUS's bodyman is quitting.
Marty? What, did he get
sick or something?
Hm-mm.
Law school.
You gonna go for it?
I don't wanna be a guy in
his 40s carrying a bag.
I've got ideas.
I could advise Selina on stuff.
I've got plenty of things
I can tell her.
Hey, gotta go.
Telly Savalas
is gonna kill some Nazis.
When did you get your dad's face?
The world only just heard
POTUS isn't running again
so obviously we're not here
and this doesn't exist.
Your campaign office.
What are these?
These are the stables?
Well, it's gonna get spruced up.
Hello, hello, this is it, this is it.
It is.
How are you?
- Hi.
- I'm afraid I don't know who you are.
- I'm Kelly.
- Hi, Kelly.
- I'm working on your campaign.
- Great.
And I'll be taking photographs today.
Amy Brookheimer.
You've been in touch with my
The men's toilet is busted, so
Here we are.
Wow, here you are.
See, now, I thought
that I had left you 750 miles ago.
Ma'am, I'm going to follow
you wherever you go.
I'm going to be like a Disney animal.
Is there a space set aside
for the campaign manager?
- Not yet.
- Could I have two seconds of your time?
Sure thing.
I don't know why Richard is here.
You said he was really
good on the book tour.
No, I was trying to keep you
from worrying about me.
- Oh.
- You're welcome.
- I'll ditch him.
- Yeah, right.
Are you going on
the coast guard boat?
I'll learn to swim especially.
No, I meant
Oh, my God.
What is your name?
I'm so sorry.
- It starts with a K.
- No, could you just tell me?
- It's Kelly.
- Kelly, right.
So, you're coming on the boat,
that's why you have the camera.
So, then, Richard, you're
gonna need to stay here.
Okay, well, you're in good hands.
Kelly and I go way back.
She's like another me.
This doesn't work.
Good.
This is a night patrol
with the coast guard,
so it's great
pre-campaign campaigning.
- I need a wipe.
- No, no.
Hey.
- Ma'am, I've actually got a few ideas
- You know, ma'am, I was thinking
- I might skip the boat.
- What?
Yeah, and just hang back
here, do a little pre-prep.
Why would that be, Dan? Is that
a pre-stabbing in my pre-back?
I think I'm gonna need you
just in case we make a drug bust or
something and I need some sort of
snappy one-liners.
Uh, "The only laundering"
you're gonna be doing from now
on is gonna be prison blankets.
"
That's kind of clever.
"The only crack you're going to see"
belongs to some guy in a shower.
"
- Don't don't be cute.
- Oh, my God.
So, here it begins here,
"in this Polish dungeon.
"
Hey, ma'am, about the
campaign, I had an idea.
- Here you go.
- Instead of doing this pre-campaigning,
sometime in the next 24
hours, you grab a mic,
you say, "I'm Selina Meyer and I'm running
for President of the United States.
"
I'm just gonna use the
bathroom really quick.
It's way too early.
You don't
announce your candidacy
while the incumbent is still warm.
The basic thing
That's like trying to ***
the widow at the funeral.
There's a little trick to it.
- The trick would be to move it.
- You're right, and I sure will.
You would have her
start her campaign
with no strategy,
no money, no staff
except for "Superman" and
"Wonder Woman" over there
just "I wanna be president.
"
Ma'am, I don't know if you
heard what he was saying
No, I didn't hear
what he was saying.
But I agree with Dan, okay?
And I completely appreciate
your ideas, Gary.
No matter how dumb they are.
Let's go.
The coasts
won't guard themselves.
Let me tell you what we need to do.
They intercepted an
individual untracked vessel,
suspicious cargo.
They're requesting backup.
- Is it a drug boat?
- We're looking into it, ma'am.
- That's a stroke of luck.
- I'm gonna do a short, little video thing.
- Okay.
- The drugs stop here.
- Oh!
- No, no, don't say anything right after,
- 'cause it ruins it.
- Got it.
- The drugs stop here.
- We need to go, ma'am.
- Yes, yes.
Just one second.
- "They stop here" firm.
- The drugs stop here.
- Nice.
- Thank you.
- This definitely does not do video.
- I'm sorry?
- Then what were you doing?
Perfect.
Use your common sense next time.
You just gonna sit
there, "SpongeBob"?
Just got to take a seat
for a second, okay?
- We haven't even shoved off.
- I know, I know.
I'm not great on boats, okay?
Are you getting "pre-sick"?
Get downstairs.
- It's "below deck.
"
- Come on, Egan, God damn it.
Oh!
Mikey, honey,
look who I found in a
basket at our front door.
Jonah, what are you doing here?
What's up, Mike?
You gonna introduce me?
Uh, yeah.
Walt, Randall,
this is Sasquatch.
The edible garbage
is out back in the alley.
What's up, y'all punk-*** ***?
I'm Jonah Ryan.
Wow, "***.
" All right,
we're gonna have dinner soon.
And then I taped
"The Great Escape" for later.
- Oh, 17?
- 17.
So wrap it up soon.
So, you're probably
bumming you can't be
out on that boat in Baltimore
Harbor with the Veep, huh?
- Honeymoon.
- Yeah.
Hey, is she going to her campaign
headquarters in Maryland after?
Yeah but it's not a campaign office.
It's a real estate acquisition.
Oh, yeah.
Of course, right.
- Keep it quiet.
- A PAC-quisition, huh?
Big man, up top.
For the win.
Hey, Mike, serious talk.
The reason I'm here is because
I'm opening up a consulting firm
- and I want you on board.
- Consulting on what?
How to delete
your Internet search history?
So, Jonah,
- heard you got canned.
- Yeah.
But you know what?
It was for the best.
I was telling Mike about it.
It's gonna be called "Ryantology.
"
DC insider turns DC outlaw,
energizing democracy,
taking from the powerful
and giving to the pitiful.
- Know what I'm saying?
- Why are you at our house, then?
Maybe he needs a start-up.
Remember that random dude who
used to hang out on our street
- asking Mom for money?
- That was Mike.
Very funny.
Good one, guys.
You know what, honey?
I am gonna replace
your lemonade with an ice-cold beer.
Grazie.
You've got her
well trained already, Mike.
Your business model sucks.
I'm out.
Hey, Wendy, if you're grabbing
beers, would you mind grabbing
Okay, that's fine.
Remain still, sir.
Hands where we can see them.
Wow.
We need to get a photo of me
with him surrendering.
Is that wrong to do that?
No, it's just a shame they couldn't
arrest someone a little more photogenic.
We can just pixelate
him the face.
- That's fine.
- I have no idea how to do that.
Hey, I voted for you!
Thank you very much, sir,
but I'm afraid you have
to go to prison!
Ma'am, we need to get back.
POTUS has made a statement.
What? What now?
Sir, can you explain this?
- Gary.
- You gotta get a shot of this.
- Ma'am
- Swords.
He's got swords.
*** the swords.
POTUS just
announced that he's now pro-life.
- What?
- Our POTUS? The POTUS?
Institute of Medical Ethics
after-dinner speech
He's pro-choice! Now all of
a sudden, he's pro-life?
They're already
calling him "PRO-TUS,"
which is stupid because both
sides have "pro" at the start.
- Gary!
- Yeah.
- Go get Dan!
- He's downstairs.
"Below deck," Amy.
You gotta say, "below deck.
"
He says,
"Maybe it's time we give back"
a little freedom to
those who cannot choose.
"
Okay, Amy, I do not
mean to sound paranoid,
but he is trying to kill me.
We need to turn this boat around.
Right, exactly.
We gotta
figure out what I'm gonna say.
Yeah, I just gotta
We are pro-choice,
but we're not controversial, right?
Yeah, they got first
trimester, second trimester,
third trimester
You're listing trimesters.
Stop it!
Let's go downstairs and figure
out what we're gonna say.
It's below deck!
We gotta go below deck!
We've got to figure this out.
Come on.
Hi, Sue.
Is the vice president around?
She is not, sir.
She's on a coast guard boat
meeting and greeting fish.
Ah, the salty sea.
Sue, forgive me, but have you
altered your hair, perhaps?
I got it chemically relaxed.
It was enormously painful.
Well, it seems to be working for you.
Thank you.
Damn it.
The president's gone rogue.
Sue, apologies.
We will continue
our pleasant chat at a later date.
Abortion calls.
Ma'am, I swear to God,
we all thought he was
gonna just eat some shrimp,
rattle off a few platitudes, go home,
watch "Full Metal Jacket"
for the millionth time and fall asleep.
Kelly, tell Mike to climb off his wife
and get on the speakerphone, now.
Do you know what this is?
Let me explain something to you.
This is POTUS trying
to screw me, okay?
This is the unflushable ***
that is left in the can
for the next person
e.
g.
, me.
- The toilet's still broken, FYI.
- Has POTUS gone nuts?
We can't have a crazy president.
In Italy they do.
We have to get all of the
special interest groups in.
Right, we have to bring them all in,
and I'll listen the *** out
of every one of those morons.
This issue is toxic.
So keep the groups apart
pro-choice in the morning,
pro-life in the afternoon
so nobody shoots any doctors.
Ma'am, listen, you're going to
end up *** somebody off.
It's better to just take a stand now.
Putting through Mike.
Hi, guys.
How was
that coast guard boat, huh?
- That's my bad.
- Just put it through on this one.
- Incompatibility issues.
- Just bring it over here, please.
- Hang on, Mike.
- Hello?
- It doesn't reach.
- Would you please move?
- Yes.
- You hold this here.
Were you on
an RB-M or an RB-S II?
We really can't talk
about the boat right now,
because, Mike, we're trying
to figure out how I think
- about this issue.
- Okay.
The "Post" wants to know if you've
changed your stance on abortion
- Re: POTUS.
- Yeah.
So you could say,
"As a woman I believe"
No, no, no! No, no, no!
I can't identify myself as a woman.
People can't know that.
Men hate that.
And women who hate women
hate that
which I believe is most women,
don't you agree with that?
Yes, and, ma'am, we should bag
this up and take it back to DC.
- Good idea.
- Yeah.
Right.
Oh, Jonah knows we opened
a campaign office.
He came by my house
Wendy's house.
You let that unstable
piece of human scaffolding
into your house?
And you didn't shoot him?
Oh, hey, Ben, I didn't
know you were on the phone.
I swear to God, I felt
better on the *** boat.
Ma'am, didn't you write something
about abortion in your book?
- Good point.
Good point.
- Oh! Yeah.
Good, Gary.
Where's the book? Does anybody
have a copy of the book here?
- Guys, who has a copy?
- What did she write?
You know what? I have a bunch
of unsold ones in my car.
Honey,
is Selina's book in the bathroom?
Okay, here we go "Abbey Road
Abolition Aboriginal mask"
- Page 135.
- Oh, this is it.
"Freedom is what this nation is
built on" blah, blah, blah
"and freedom means
the freedom to choose
how to use that freedom to
protect the freedom of others.
"
Sorry, that's just pastel-colored ***.
It's gotta be more clear than that.
You make it very clear
you're pro-choice.
Okay, I got it
"Freedom is what this nation"
Done it, Mike.
It's gonna
come down to the cutoff week.
- It always does.
- There's two doors, okay?
- Pro-choice, pro-life.
- Yeah.
There's no point in rattling the
handles on either one of them.
You just gotta pick a door
and walk through it.
Ma'am, Kent Davison called.
There was an issue with the
patch-through It doesn't matter.
Message "Urgent, have booked you
to appear on 'GMA' at 7:00.
"
I'm sorry, what did you just say?
Give me this, God damn it.
- He said 7:00 a.
m.
?
- It's "Good Morning America," Amy.
- The clue is in the title.
- Ame, can we?
- We can't unbook you.
- No, no.
That would look bad.
Jesus.
*** Kent.
I can't listen to that "Joan Crawford"
*** about "Bette Davis" any longer.
Well, this is POTUS, you know?
This is the president trying
to tell me what to do.
He can't do that.
I'm Vice President of the United States.
That's right.
That's right.
And as vice president,
here's your choice two doors,
pro-choice, pro-life.
That's it.
Is there a third door?
- What, like a woman's door?
- A back door? No.
A trapdoor?
This is Jonah Ryan
and you are witnessing
the birth of "Ryantology.
"
Old media like
"The Washington Toast"
better go run and hide in the bathroom
and join "The Poo York Times.
"
Because we are cutting in.
I'm going to be updating
more than I'm actually dating,
which is a shitload.
First up, abortion.
And now that the president's given
his "State of the Uterus" address,
where will the others fall in?
We have Maddox.
He's conservative.
Chung, he's liberal.
But where does Selina Meyer stand?
The first call could rule them all.
- How do I turn this off?
- Just hit the red button.
- There are two.
There's one on the side.
- Just the one in the middle.
Why do I gotta deal with this pile
of *** in the middle of the night?
Because we need to get
first dibs on a statement.
Well, you know what I think.
I'm a Christian.
- I'm not going to deny that.
- Please, do not go religious.
- Go ambiguous.
- By saying what?
"Blah, blah, blah, blah
abortion, blah, blah blah blah"?
- Sounds good to me.
- Well, you fill in the "blahs.
"
I'm going back to bed.
Okay, ma'am,
you have the AMA/ACOG,
West Wing, 1:30 a.
m.
Planned Parenthood at 2:30 a.
m.
in the EEOB to avoid a clash.
Unflabby precision.
Excellent.
Okay, how about this
"A woman has autonomy"
over her own body.
"But the rights of an unborn ch"
uh, I thought I had it there.
Maybe I should just say,
"Get the government out of my
***' ***," you know?
How many pressure groups
do we have in all, Sue?
Pro-life, 45.
Pro-choice, about the same.
Is there
a "pro-I don't give a ***" lobby?
Yeah.
You're looking at him.
I got posters, buttons
not really, 'cause I don't give a ***.
If men got pregnant, you could
get an abortion at an ATM.
Let's state the obvious.
If I say that I am pro-life,
then I'm a traitor to my sex.
If I say that I'm pro-choice,
then I'm a traitor to the president.
Which makes me an actual
traitor, by the way.
- You know that?
- Yeah, but it already happened, okay?
I can't get POTUS to wave
his transvaginal wand
and make it all go away.
Ma'am, your gender is worth at
least double on this issue.
Data's right.
As a woman,
you can really kick ***.
As a woman,
I am not gonna put in a ***'
sentence, "as a woman.
"
I'm not putting my eggs
in that basket.
All right, I'll start polling
Nice dress.
- It's a skirt and top.
- Even better.
Okay, so are we gonna say screw
polling and just pick a number
or both, or what?
- God, it's not that simple, Dan.
- Yes, Gary, it is.
- Have you seen the graph?
- Yeah.
How could we get it all on the graph,
Gary, if it wasn't that simple?
It isn't that simple, all right?
This is about access to safe abortions
for vulnerable women.
- It is a serious issue.
- Yeah.
- I've laid out a line of fruit for you.
- What is this?
It's the size of the baby
in different stages during pregnancy.
It would take a brain about this size
to think that's this ***'s useful.
This is not helpful at all.
And you need to stop calling
these things babies.
Okay, I was thinking we need
to get the number of weeks
and the interest groups up on a
Oh, good.
Nice job.
Holy ***.
Maddox is about to
issue a statement in five.
At 1:00 in the morning?
What's his statement gonna be?
"I have to go to the bathroom"?
Rachel Hordenthal
from Planned Parenthood
is heading to EEOB at 2:30 a.
Boom, boom, shake-shake the womb!
Selina's calling in the contraceptistas!
We're gonna blog this *** to ***.
Mark, get a screen grab of that fetus
from the end of 2001, all right?
Send it to me.
- Maddox has just made a statement.
- What is it?
"Science may give us the map, but we
are lost without morality's compass.
"
"The right to free speech includes
the right to free thought.
"
"I can't in all conscience
politicize this as an issue.
"
- Ah.
- Jesus, what a talking gas giant.
It's like listening to Jupiter.
Well, he *** fudged it.
So now we know he's running for president.
That stupid ***.
Ma'am, Maddox said nothing, but
at least he said something.
We've literally said nothing.
Meanwhile, that ***
shovel-faced ***' Jonah
is telling people you're feeling
out options.
We need to pick a number.
No, I know,
but I need to get clarity here.
- I'm not feeling it.
- I was clear.
I was clear.
We just need
to pick a *** number,
any *** number.
Give that ***
number to the *** press,
and go to *** bed! How
much more clarity do you need?
You want to put it on a T-shirt?
Come on!
I'm so sorry.
I did not
mean to blow up like that.
Well, um
I accept your apology
while retaining the right
to fire the *** out of you.
Shall I print that up on a T-shirt
that I could give to you?
This whole thing has got me on edge.
I was puking my brains out
on that boat for hours.
Jonah's got me absolutely homicidal.
- I'm sorry.
- Uh-huh.
- You need to apologize.
- He did apologize.
You need it in writing!
Look, I love abortion, okay?
I am an abortionado.
But I would go pro-life
in a fetal *** heartbeat
if it meant winning.
You're suggesting that you would like
me to be a hypocrite like Maddox?
Okay, so you need to go home.
Yes, ma'am.
Moving on
and Dan may be quite soon
someone needs to go get
Cardinal Branzini.
Oh, my God.
The Catholics next.
Madam Vice President,
Cardinal Branzini.
- Madam Vice President.
- Oh, Cardinal.
- Am I in the right room?
- Oh, yes.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Oop, excuse you.
- Sorry.
Excuse me.
I'd love to take you
into the inner sanctum.
How very Dan Brown.
This way, Cardinal, thank you.
Come on in.
Here's something else to sew into
your giant *** crazy quilt.
Jonah is now telling people that Selina's
meeting with Planned Parenthood.
Go home.
Take an Ambien.
Take 50.
She's talking to everyone.
I think
the Amish are coming in next.
I'm going home.
And if anybody needs me,
- I don't care.
- 'Night.
We need to get in Rachel what's-her-face
from Planned Parenthood.
Gary, could you finesse that for me?
Yes, yes.
Whoo! I thought
you were going to say Sue.
I don't need an enhanced
role to know my worth, Gary.
Mike, I need you
to steer in Cunningham.
He's pro-life, so keep him away
from Rachel or he'll kill her.
- Copy.
- Sue, help Kent finish polling now.
Okay, but if he touches my
hair, I'm calling the police.
- Okay.
- I don't need my bag.
I don't need my bag.
I don't need my bag.
I really did want to see you
first, Your Excellency,
because I wanted to get
a little extra time with you.
Let me just do
one quick thing, excuse me.
Make sure you cancel
everything, please,
so I can get plenty of time
with the cardinal.
Okay? Yeah.
Okay, so now the phones have
taken a vow of silence.
Okay, we're right this way.
That is a gorgeous color
on you, by the way.
Thank you.
So where is the
VP's thinking on this?
Thinking There's a lot of
numbers being thrown out.
Speaking of numbers,
there's over 30,000 tiles
That's not really the kind of
numbers I'm talking about.
Okay, you know what?
It's actually this way.
- Did you find the place okay?
- Are you lost?
No.
This is what we call
the "grub hub.
"
I'll see you at St.
Stephen's
on Sunday.
- Excellent.
- Great.
Oh, my God.
Uh, thank you for your service.
Oh, of course, yes.
I have the
vice president right here.
Ma'am, I have the ACCDP
on the line for you.
I'm gonna put you on speaker.
- Hello?
- Hello.
- Who are they?
- The Anti
no, the Anti-Abortion
no, the Association of
it's in my phone.
- Can you hear me?
- Yes, I can.
I can.
Madam Vice President.
It's such an honor.
Thank you so, so much.
You know, I really did want
to speak with you first
because I wanted to make sure
that we got a little extra
time to talk together.
Frankly, ma'am, our
position hasn't changed one inch.
Uh, well, you know what?
It's a matter of conviction for me, too.
- Pro-life.
- They're pro-choice.
I think our position's pretty clear
from the title of our organization.
Oh, yeah, of course.
- ACCDP.
- Oh, my God.
God, the lighting is so unflattering.
Can I ask you a question?
Are you hiding from someone?
Aren't we all hiding
from somebody?
I'm gonna make a quick call.
Really quick, just really quick.
One second.
So sorry.
God!
Get your *** together, Gary.
You can do this.
You can do this.
- Um
- Excuse me for just a minute.
I realize that life is precious.
"And so are the
hard-won freed freedoms"
- Oh, thank God.
- Thank you, ma'am.
- Thank you.
Bye-bye.
- Good-bye.
She was from the A-D-CCP.
Sorry.
- And who are they?
- I'm not quite sure.
- Oh.
- It's in my phone.
See that, ma'am?
I've got Cunningham.
I know, he's pro-choice.
- Life!
- Got it.
- Okay, we're good.
Yeah.
- Good?
- Okay, that's good.
I don't need any help.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You like music?
- I suppose.
Why?
The new McCartney
is worth checking out.
- Right now, or can it wait?
- It can wait.
You're in here.
The vice president
will see you now
It's probably better if
we go in separately,
- wouldn't you think?
- Your right to choose, Amy.
The vice president will
see you now, Mr.
Cunningham.
Pleasure to meet you.
I've got some free lunch
passes if you'd like
Listen.
I've worked in DC for 10 years,
and I've never been treated like this.
- Bundled around like a refugee?
- I'm sorry.
I'm gonna back your boss,
I always have.
- But you need to quit this job
- I know.
and find something
you're halfway decent at.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Thank you so much.
If this footage looks
kinda like "Cloverfield,"
it's not because my hand's shaking,
it's because a ***
earthquake just hit DC!
You feeling the heat, Old Media?
Because it's three strikes and
you're out.
Tell them I'm coming in for 50.
- They hung up.
- You know what? *** HuffPo.
They should be called "Puff Ho"
'cause Arianna Huffington
is a straight-up ho
and all they do is puff pieces.
Wait Request from MSNBC.
They want you on at 7:00 a.
m.
They're gonna send a car.
Got it!
Ma'am, Chung's statement.
Pulled a few strings
from my buddies down at
Please tell us about the strings,
Mike, don't tell us what's in it.
Oh, sarcasm.
That's an interesting strategy
for a potential campaign manager, Amy.
Apologies.
Rewind.
Get the *** on with it, Mike.
She's got a point.
Oh, sorry.
Just printed it.
Haven't read it.
Literally was trying to read it when I
was running, so I couldn't do either.
Okay, here we go.
"First let me say I
commend the president's clarity"
Skip that part.
"Advances in science have brought
us to a moral conundrum"
"I believe a 22-week
cutoff is appropriate.
"
Has anyone ever come up
with that number before?
Never.
We're going to need a bigger melon.
Dan was right.
I've got to pick a number.
Okay, well, obviously we
can just go anywhere now
without going over 40.
Half weeks? 22 and a half weeks.
"22 and a half weeks" sounds
like an *** thriller
- What about days?
- Yes, like 140 days.
- Which is in weeks?
- Divide by seven, Mike.
- Two 20.
- Yeah.
I can't stick to 24 weeks now
because that's gonna
make me the most liberal
and the most female.
"Chung the Merciless"
did this, right?
Why don't we double bluff him?
Just choose the same number.
It's not like sharing a toothbrush.
Mm-mm.
"Copycat Selina.
"
That's what they'll say.
"Me-Too Meyer," "*** for Brains"
No, I'm sorry, they won't say that.
I'm just really tired.
Should we all quit and go home
and go to bed 'cause you're so tired?
Oh, no, we can't.
Because I have to go do
"Good Morning America"
thanks to you, Kent.
I know, I'm sorry, ma'am.
I thought you could be first on air.
I didn't realize that Chung and Maddox
would attack at night.
Must be the military training.
Let me see this.
What is this spike right here?
The "I Don't Knows.
"
Okay, so I am looking at a page
and I am seeing most of America
standing up proudly
and saying, "I don't know.
"
We were shocked ourselves.
I wonder who should be
my campaign strategist
in the next election.
"I don't know.
"
I will redouble my efforts
to win your support.
The man's obsessed with me.
Issue a version of what
you said in the book
just better than what Dan wrote.
Okay, Mike, you draft
me a new version
of my existing position, okay?
- Love it.
- And I'm gonna need something to wear,
'cause I'm going on
"Good Morning America.
"
Pink.
I got you pink.
Let's do pink.
I believe that life is precious.
And so are the hard-won freedoms
that women throughout
America enjoy today.
As a woman myself,
I know that freedom
means the freedom
Thank you, sir.
Did you get all the free
water from the car?
- Oh, yeah.
- Nice.
See, I told you, man.
Two days
up and we're already big.
This is what happens when
talent meets opportunity.
Let's blow this thing wide open.
- Hey, Jo-***.
- Dan, what the *** are you doing here?
You shouldn't tweet your location
to someone who wants to kill you.
Oh, so you do follow me.
You know what? I swear to God,
I'm gonna rip your guts out
through your tiny, shriveled,
little chihuahua ***.
What, nothing? You're gonna
let your boss get pasted?
You're not my boss.
We're copartners.
I don't give a ***.
You're looking kinda hungry, Jonah.
You want some of that burrito?
No? Hey, you, "Ugly Betty,"
give me that burrito.
Don't just give it to him, dude.
You see this, Jonah?
This is what happens
when you *** with my office.
If you say anything
on-air about the Veep,
I will break your legs so severely,
you'll end up normal height.
Joke's on you, Dan,
because I *** love burritos.
Yeah? Good luck with your
interview, handsome.
- That's right, walk away, ***.
- What did you say?
- Nothing, nothing.
- What? Yeah.
Joining us in studio is Jonah Ryan.
He was the former White House
liaison to the vice president.
- Hi, Jonah.
Nice to see you.
- Hello.
What do you think
is gonna happen here?
Will the Veep go with POTUS,
or could this really be
a defining moment for her?
Well, at "Ryantology.
net,"
we have a saying
which is that these
issues are like a prism.
They have many sides.
Would you care to pick one?
Of course.
This is an issue that has
plagued politics for far too long.
And
- Thanks for coming in, Jonah.
- Yeah, great.
Planned Parenthood's
Rachel Hordenthal is on the line.
Hi, Rachel.
Thanks so much for being here.
Okay, you heard the Veep's statement.
What do you at Planned
Parenthood have to say about it?
Unlike your previous guest,
we have a very clear take on this.
Well, I said nothing.
A big, fat, morbidly obese nothing.
At least you mentioned
the book, ma'am.
Your publisher is gonna be stoked.
And I'm not wearing a flag pin.
Whose fault is that, by the way?
Look what I got.
Look what I got.
I got a special treat for you.
Mmm!
Gary, you are my
angel of baked goods.
Well, every angel needs an archangel.
- Hey, Gary.
Come here.
- Oh, okay.
Yes, ma'am.
Yeah?
You are always gonna be my bodyman.
Yeah.
Especially when I'm president.
And I've got eight years
of treats planned for you.
Yes, I do.
I value you so much.
- Go clear up the fruit out there.
- Yeah, okay.
I can put this in balls.
Little watermelon balls in a bowl?
- Definitely not.
- No? Okay.
I can't watch myself anymore.
I can't watch myself anymore.
Oh, um
Don't put "Oprah" on.
You don't like that.
- Mm-mm.
- You wanna watch "Top Chef"?
- No.
- How about "Project Runway"?
- No.
- "Survivor"?
- Yeah.
- Okay.