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THE IDEA OF GETTING
A GENTLEMAN CALLER FOR LAURA
A MORE AND MORE IMPORTANT PART
IN MO.
IT BECAME AN OBSESSION.
HE EARLY SPRING,
REALIZING THAT EXTRA MONEY WOULD BE NEEDED
TO PROPERLY FEATHER THE NEST AND PLUME THE BIRD,
SHE BEGAN CONDUCTING
A VIGOROUS CAMPAIGN ON THE TELEPHONE,
ROPING IN SUBSCRIBERS
TO ONE OF THOSE MAGAZINES FOR MATRONS CALLED
THE HOMEMAKER'S COMPANION,
THE TYPE OF JOURNAL WHICH FEATURES
OF LADIES OF LETTERS
WHO THINK IN TERMS OF DELICATE CUPLIKE ***,
SLIM, TAPERING WAISTS,
RICH, CREAMY THIGHS,
EYES LIKE WOODSMOKE IN AUTUMUM,
FINGERS THAT SOOTHE AND CARESS LIKE STRAINS OF MUSIC,
BODIES AS POWERFUL AS ETRUSCAN SCULPTURE.
Amanda: IDA SCOTT?
OH!
THIS IS AMANDA WINGFIELD.
IDA,
, BG
AND I SEE WHERE YOUR SUBSCRIPTION TO THE COMPANION
IS JUST ABOUT TO RUN OUT,
AND IT'S JUST WHEN THAT WONDERFUL NEW SERIAL
BY BESSIE MAE HARPER IS STARTING.
HMM.
IT'S THE FIRST THING SHE'S WRITTEN
AND THAT WAS
WELL, IDA, THIS ONE IS EVEN LOVELIER.
IT'S ALL ABOUT THE HORSEY SET ON LONG ISLAND,
AND THIS DEBUTANTE IS THROWN FROM A HORSE
OVER THE JUMPS
IN THE, UH, UH,
REGATTA.
WELL, HER SPINE IS INJURED.
THAT'S WHAT THE HORSE DID.
HE STEPPED ON HER.
AND THE ONLY SURGEON IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD
WHO CAN KEEP HER FROM BEING PERMANENTLY PARALYZED
IS THE MAN SHE'S ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED TO.
AND HE'S TALL AND HE'S BLONDE AND HE'S--
WHAT?
O.
DON'T LET THEM BURN.
YOU JUST GO AND YOU TAKE A LOOK IN THE OVEN.
I'LL JUST SIT HERE AND HOLD ON.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WOMAN DID?
SHE HUNG UP ON ME.
(Man singing in foreign language on radio)
♪
SO?
Tom: SHH!
Amanda: SON, DO ME A FAVOUR.
Tom: WHAT?
(Clanging)
WELL, YOU LOOK SO PRETTY WHEN YOUR HAIR IS COMBED.
THERE'S ONLY ONE RESPECT
WHU
Tom:
Amanda: THE CARE HE TOOK OF HIS PERSON.
NEVER ALLOWED HIMSELF TO BE UNTIDY.
Tom: MOTHER, PLEASE GO BUSYNG ELSE.
I'M TRYING--
AT
SO YOUR SHOULDERS DON'T STICK OUT LIKE A SPARROW'S.
NOW, YOU KNOW, I HAVE SEEN A MEDICAL CHART,
HE
IF YOU SIT UP, I'LL SHOW YOU.
YOU SEE?
AND THEN YOUR LUNGS PRESS IN ON YOUR HEART.
AND THEN YOUR POOR LITTLE HEART GETS DISCOURAGED
BECAUSE IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY ROOM LEFT
TO GO ON BEATING FOR YOU.
Tom: WHAT IN CHRIST'S NAME AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
Amanda: DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO ME LIKE THAT.
AT IS?
HAVE YOU GONE OUT OF YOUR SENSES?
Tom: YES, I HAVE.
THAT'S TRUE.
YOU'VE DRIVEN ME OUT OF THEM.
WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU LATELY,
LOOK.
MOTHER, I HAVE GOT NO THING,
NO SINGLE THING IN THIS HOUSE THAT I CAN CALL MY OWN.
Amanda: LOWER YOUR VOICE.
Tom: YESTERDAY YOU CONFISCATED MY BOOKS.
I CERTAINLY DID.
I TOOK THAT AWFUL NOVEL BACK TO THE LIBRARY,
THAT HORRIBLE BOOK BY THAT INSANE MR. LAWRENCE.
OR THE PEOPLE THAT CATER TO THEM,
BUT I WON'T HAVE THAT FILTH IN MY HOUSE.
NO, NO, NO.
HOUSE? HOUSE?
WHO PAYS THE RENT ON THE HOUSE? WHO MAKES A SLAVE OF HIMSELF?
Amanda: DON'T YOU DARE
Tom: NO, THAT'S TRUE, MOTHER. I MUSTN'T SAY THINGS.
I'VE JUST GOT TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT.
Amanda: LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING--
Tom: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE.
Amanda: YOU ARE GOING TO HEAR MORE.
.
E!
Tom: OUT, OUT, OUT!
Amanda: YOU ARE GOING TO LISTEN TO ME!
I HAVE HAD ENOUG
AND ANOTHER THING.
I AM JUST AT THE END OF MY PATIENCE.
Tom: AND WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M AT, MOTHER?
AREN'T I SUPPOSED TO HAVE ANY PATIENCE
TO REACH THE END OF?
I KNOW IT SEEMS UNIMPORTANT TO YOU, MOTHER,
WHAT I'M DOING, WHAT I WANT TO DO,
HAVING LITTLE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEM.
YOU DON'T THINK THAT.
AND THAT'S WHY YOU ACTED LIKE THIS.
WELL, I DON'T BELIEVE
NOBODY GOES TO THE MOVIES NIGHT AFTER NIGHT.
NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND
AND PEOPLE DO NOT GO TO MOVIES AT ALMOST MIDNIGHT,
AND MOVIES DO NOT LET OUT AT 2:00 a.m.
STUMBLING AND MUTTERING TO YOURSELF LIKE A MANIAC,
AND YOU GET THREE HOURS SLEEP
AND THEN YOU GO TO WORK.
WHA,
MOPING AND DOPING, BECAUSE YOU ARE IN NO CONDITION.
Tom: NO. THAT IS TRUE, MOTHER.
I AM IN NO CONDITION.
TOM.
HOW DARE YOU JEOPARDIZE YOUR JOB AND JEOPARDIZE OUR SECURITY?
IF ANYTHING HAPPENED--
Tom: LISTEN, MOTHER.
DO YOU THINK I'M CRAZY ABOUT THE WAREHOUSE?
DO YOU THINK I AM IN LOVE WITH THE CONTINENTAL SHOEMAKERS?
I WA
DOWN IN THAT CELOTEX INTES?
LOOK, MOTHER.
I WOULD JUST RATHER SOMEBODY PICK UP A CROWBAR
AND BATTER OUT MY BRAINS THAN GO BACK MORNINGS,
BUT I GO.
EVERY MORNING THAT YOU COME IN YELLING
THAT ***, "RISE AND SHINE.
RISE AND SHINE."
W LUCKY DEAD PEOPLE ARE.
BUT I GET UP.
I GO.
FOR $65 A MONTH,
AND BEING EVER,
AND YET YOU SAY THAT SELF,
SELF IS ALL I THINK OF?
LISTEN TO ME, MOTHER.
IF SELF ULD BE WHERE HE IS:
GONE,
AS FAR AS THE SYSTEMHES.
Amanda: I'M NOT GRABBING AT YOU.
WHERE YOU'RE GOING.
I DON'T BELIEVE THAT LIE!
NO?
WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, MOTHER.
I'M GOING TO *** DENS.
YES, MOTHER. *** DENS.
DENS OF VICE AND CRIMINALS' HANGOUTS.
MOTHER, I AM A HIRED ASSASSIN.
I JOINED THE HOGAN GANG.
I CARRY A TOMMY GUN IN A VIOLIN CASE
AND I RUN A STREAM OF CATHOUSES IN THE VALLEY.
THEY CALL ME KILLER.
KILLER WINGFIELD.
SEE, I'M LEADING A DOUBLE LIFE, REALLY.
A SIMPLE, HONEST WAREHOUSE WORKER BY DAY,
BUT BY NIGHT A DYNAMIC CZAR OF THE UNDERWORLD, MOTHER.
I GO TO GAMBLING CASINOS.
I JUST SPIN AWAY A FORTUNE ON THE ROULETTE TABLE, MOTHER.
I WEAR A PATCH OVER ONE EYE
AND A FALSE MOUSTACHE
AND SOMETIMES I PUT ON GREEN WHISKERS.
I COULD TELL YOU MANY THINGS TO MAKE YOU SLEEPLESS,S, MOTHE.
MY ENEMIES PLAN
SOME NIGHT.
THEY ARE GOING TO BLOW US ALL SKY-HIGH!
AND WILL I BE GLAD?
I'LL BE VERY HAPPY.
AND SO WILL YOU BE.
YOU WILL GO UP, UP, UP
MOUNTAN
WITH 17 GENTLEMEN CALLERS!
YOU UGLY, BABBLING OLD WITCH!
(Sobbing)
AS LONG AS I LIVE
UNLESS YOU APOLOGIZE TO ME.
(Clattering)
TOM?
(Rattling)
TOM?
TOM?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
LOOKING FOR A DOOR KEY.
ALL THIS TIME?
I HAVE BEEN TO THE MOVIES.
ALL THIS TIME AT THE MOVIES?
THIS WAS A VERY Y LONG PROGRAM.
THERE WAS A GARBO PICTURE AND A NEWSREEL
AND A MICKEY MOUSE AND A TRAVELOGUE
AND A PREVIEW OF COMING ATTRACTIONS.
THERE WAS AN ORGAN SOLO
AND A COLLECTION FOR THE MILK FUND,
SIMULTANEOUSLY,
IN A TT
BETWEEN A FAT LADY
AND AN USHER.
DID YOU HAVE TO STAY THROUGH EVERYTHING?
Tom: OF COURSE.
OT.
THE HEADLINER ON THIS STAGE SHOW
WAS MALVOLIO THE MAGICIAN.
HE PERFORMED WONDERFUL TRICKS, MANY OF THEM,
SUCH AS POURING WATER BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN TWO PITCHERS.
FIRST IT TURNED INTONTO BEER,
THEN IT TURNED INTO WHISKY.
NOW, I KNOW THAT IT WAS WHISKY THAT IT FINALLY TURNED INTO,
BECAUSE HE NEEDED SOMEONE
TO COME UP OUT OF THE AUDIENCE TO HELP HIM,
SO I CAME UP.
KENTUCKY STRAIGHT BOURBON.
VERY GENEROUS FELLOW.
HE GAVE SOUVENIRS.
THIS
IS HIS MAGIC SCARF.
YOU CAN HAVE IT, LAURA.
U WAVE IT OVER
A CANARY CAGE.
THEY TURN INTO A BOWL OF GOLDFISH.
AND YOU WAVE IT OVER A GOLDFISH BOWL
BUT THE WONDERFULLEST TRICK OF ALL
WAS THE COFFIN TRICK.
WE NAILED HIM
INTO A COFFIN,
ANTHOUT REMOVING ONE NAIL.
NOW, THERE IS A TRICK THAT WOULD COME IN HANDY FOR ME.
GET ME OUT OF THIS 2x4 SITUATION.
SHH! TOM.
Laura: SHH. YOU'LL WAKE UP MOTHER.
GOODY, GOODY.
PAY HER BACK FOR ALL THOSE
RISE AND SHINES, RISE AND SHINES.
, LA
TO GET YOURSELFINTO A N.
BUT WHO EVER GOT HIMSELF OUT OF ONE
WITHOUT REMOVING AT LEAST ONE NAIL?
RISE AND SHINE.
RISE AND SHINE.
Tom: I WILL RISE,
BUT I WON'T SHINE.
GO TELL YOUR BROTHER HIS COFFEE'S READY.
Laura: TOM?
(Knocking)
IT'S NEARLY 7:00.
TOM.
SPEAK TO MOTHER THIS MORNING.
MAKE UP WITH HER.
APOLOGIZE.
SPEAK TO HER.
Tom: SHE WON'T TO ME.
IT'S HER THAT STARTED NOT SPEAKING.
Laura: IF YOU WOULD ONLY SAY THAT YOU'RE SORRY,
SHE'D START SPEAKING.
Tom: MY NOT SPEAKING,
IS THAT SUCH A TRAGEDY?
Laura: PLEASE, TOM.
Amanda: LAURA,
OR DO I HAVE TO GET DRESSED
AND GO OUT MYSELF?
Laura: GOING, GOING.
JUST HAVE TO GET ON MY COAT.
Amanda: JUST BUTTER. AND TELL THEM TO CHARGE IT.
MOTHER, THEY MAKE SUCH FACES WHEN I DO THAT.
Amanda: STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK OUR BONES,
FACETHE N
WON'T HARM US.
TELL YOUR BROTHER HIS COFFEE'S GETTING COLD.
TOM, DO WHAT I ASK, WILL YOU?
Amanda: LAURA!
Laura: WILL YOU, TOM?
.
GOING, GOING.
(Panting)
AHH!
LAURA!